Wondering why

[mikeymad]

So I am 2 months post divorce decree, and my life has been changing quite a bit. Moved, started a new job, and have been dating, one woman more than others. We've been spending quite a bit of time together, although no talk about my past or my D has been brought up. We met on an online dating site, and my "marital status" is up there, so I'm pretty sure she knows, but neither of us has brought it up.

 

A few days ago, she was over, and I was laying down almost asleep when she started rubbing my head. In my half sleep, I imagined it was my XW, which was something the last year I would've killed for her to do during our deteriorating battle. Upon waking up, I was surprised to see her there instead of my XW. Aside from feeling guilty for thinking that, it also dredged up all the old pain and almost reopened the wounds that were starting to heal (or maybe just so I thought).

 

It also put me into a real catch 22. I want to tell her about my past and what's going on so she'll understand where I'm at and that I don't want to get serious with anyone. In fact I have almost freaked myself out at the thought of putting myself out there to be burned again because of how powerful those feelings were from that small gesture. On the other hand, I enjoy spending time with her, and am afraid that if I tell her what's going on and explain my situation, she'll bolt. It's nice actually having someone think you're worthwhile enough to spend time with.

 

I know I need to tell her, because I respect her and she needs to be able to make a decision on whether she can be in a holding pattern or not, but I just can't get around to making myself do it. I don't feel it will be a pleasant conversation, and frankly I don't like talking about it, because it still brings up a lot of emotion for me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 15, 2010 by mikeymad

[trippi1432]

So I am 2 months post divorce decree, and my life has been changing quite a bit. Moved, started a new job, and have been dating, one woman more than others. We've been spending quite a bit of time together, although no talk about my past or my D has been brought up. We met on an online dating site, and my "marital status" is up there, so I'm pretty sure she knows, but neither of us has brought it up.

 

A few days ago, she was over, and I was laying down almost asleep when she started rubbing my head. In my half sleep, I imagined it was my XW, which was something the last year I would've killed for her to do during our deteriorating battle. Upon waking up, I was suprised to see her there. Aside from feeling guilty for thinking that, tt also dredged up all the old pain and almost reopened the wounds that were starting to heal (or maybe just so I thought).

 

It also put me into a real catch 22. I want to tell her about my past and what's going on so she'll understand where I'm at and that I don't want to get serious with anyone. In fact I have almost freaked myself out at the thought of putting myself out there to be burned again because of how powerful those feelings were from that small gesture. On the other hand, I enjoy spending time with her, and am afraid that if I tell her what's going on and explain my situation, she'll bolt. It's nice actually having someone think you're worthwhile enough to spend time with.

 

I know I need to tell her, because I respect her and she needs to be able to make a decision on whether she can be in a holding pattern or not, but I just can't get around to making myself do it. I don't feel it will be a pleasant conversation, and frankly I don't like talking about it, because it still brings up a lot of emotion for me.

 

Thoughts?

 

Yes, I would say this is a Catch 22 for both of you....her without a clue. If you can't see HER for who SHE is and appreciate her for that....you are cheating her on finding happiness. Respecting her would be not holding onto her if your ex-wife is the only person you think about. No woman wants to be in that situation, because the feelings you are returning are not genuine.

 

Maybe the men have something different to say here, but from a woman's perspective....you need to be up-front with her so she can decide to run or stay....and if she chooses to run.....you have nothing to be upset about...it just means you need more time to heal before you can really think about getting serious with anyone.

[tojaz]

I agree that you need to be upfront. Only thing thats fair. 2 months really isn't that long in the scheme of things, even though I know the draw to have someone around is powerful, you have to get yourself figured out before you add anything else that will complicate things.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tell her and tell her now. It won't be easy. If there is anything there at all she'll understand and come to terms with it. The longer it goes the more potential it has to become a problem. I know I'd want to know if I was involved with someone.

[mikeymad]

the XW isn't the only one I think about. In fact now that all this is over, I have gotten pretty good at not thinking about her, and in fact when it does happen it hasn't bothered me too terribly much, but the pain isn't completely gone, who knows when/if that will happen. Things were going well, but i think it's the recent turn of me thinking she wants it to turn into something more that is making me think about it more.

[hopesndreams]

I don't want to get serious with anyone

 

What are you waiting for? Tell her now! Otherwise, you're just using her for your own selfish purposes. You're better than that.

[sumdude]

Yeah it's pretty common for those sort of things to happen so close to the divorce. You may find yourself comparing new women to your ex.. often when it comes to physical and sexual things. Takes a while to get over it all. Give yourself a break and yes at some point soon you should talk about it at least a little with the woman you're seeing. You don't have to go into gory details but at least let her know where you stand. It's only fair.

[mikeymad]

Did the deed. She said she knew about the D, but didn't want to push the issue to talk until I was ready. She's on the fence now (because it's soon after finalizing), but I told her I respected her enough that I wanted her to know what was going on so she could decide what she wanted to do.

Really tough to put your head in the gauntlet again, but i can now have a clear conscious going forward.

[whichwayisup]

So I am 2 months post divorce decree,

 

It's obvious (time and the realization that the exw waasn't the one stroking your hair) that you're nowhere ready to be serious and be in a relationship.

 

The sooner you tell this woman, the better.

 

BE honest and nice about it. She's done nothing wrong.. The timing isn't right and you're not ready.

[Gunny376]

Frist and foremost ~ AVOID AND FEAR the rebound ~ and that can come a good two or three years ( or even longer dependeing upon the indivudaul) after the nuclear "D" bomb has been dropped.

 

And make no mistake about it! What your currently going through is most definately the personal equivalent of a nuclear bomb going off in your life! Or a Hurricane Katrina.

 

It wrecks you mentally, emotionally, pyschologically, financially etc. For some it can take years upon years to recover.

 

Per your latest post? Your not ready to get seriously involved with anyone. Per Men's Health magazine interview with Bruce Willis ~ "Nothing serious is going to come of this ~ so lets just go out and have a good time!"

[cavedweller]

You are dealing with a great loss..(life is all about loss)..Just go easy..You are still trying to get over your broken heart..

 

cavedweller

[habs53]

Frist and foremost ~ AVOID AND FEAR the rebound ~ and that can come a good two or three years ( or even longer dependeing upon the indivudaul) after the nuclear "D" bomb has been dropped.

 

And make no mistake about it! What your currently going through is most definately the personal equivalent of a nuclear bomb going off in your life! Or a Hurricane Katrina.

 

It wrecks you mentally, emotionally, pyschologically, financially etc. For some it can take years upon years to recover.

 

Per your latest post? Your not ready to get seriously involved with anyone. Per Men's Health magazine interview with Bruce Willis ~ "Nothing serious is going to come of this ~ so lets just go out and have a good time!"

 

Funny how one person can do this. Now im getting depressed again. lol

[trippi1432]

I think that the scariest thing about all of this is how do you know when it is a rebound? Can you go from rebound to rebound to rebound?? Is that why the rate of 2nd or 3rd marriages end in divorce? Is it because it really is a rebound relationship?

 

My soon-to-be ex FIL left his wife just like my ex left me...immediately started shacking up with his affair and they have been together for over 20 years now. My soon-to-be ex MIL, met one man she loved after her husband "train-wrecked" her with 5 kids....the poor guy got into a car wreck and was in a coma for 8 years before he died. She diligently stayed by his side the entire time he was in the coma....and has never been involved with anyone again. She's 67 now, and has technically been alone all this time.

 

Both of my parents went directly from their 2nd marriages to their 3rd marriages and have track records of 17 and 15 years together....Did I spend 15 years in a rebound relationship with my STBXH?

 

In all these cases, the hurt from the previous marriages were still there....it doesn't just "go away" one day....we carry it with us. But if the ex haunts you, controls your feelings and your future relationships and your behavior in those relationships.....then that may be the rebound? Perhaps the key being in my in-laws and parent's cases is that they can talk about their previous loves and acknowledge the hurt, but they see the person they are currently with as the person they are supposed to be with.

 

Just going by my parent's history, I have heard so many times from both of them that if they could change anything, they wouldn't have gotten married.....but they wouldn't have me. Then to change that later on to say, "I loved your dad/mom, we just got to where we couldn't make it work anymore and made each other miserable".

 

Here's a "tickler" for some laughs or OMG moments.....the day my father got to my house for the wedding rehearsal, he went around introducing himself to everyone....he got to my mother (his ex-wife of over 20 years) and introduced himself as if he didn't know her....and he truly didn't. (Yes, he was the leaver in their marriage :eek:.)