My wife has lost all sense of intimacy and passion...I'm on the edge of cheating

[passionstarved66]

I don't know where to begin...so much to say, but I'll try to keep it brief. I met my beautiful wife in the summer of 2000. Our relationship started out in a whirlwind of passion and intimacy and fell madly in love. She was pregnant within two months and we were married by March of of 2001. We now have two beautiful kids and that part of my life is great and fullfilling. However, to be blunt, my sex life has become nearly non-existent over the past two years since our second child was born. My sex drive as remained high, but my wife's libido has dropped off dramaticaly and has shown no signs of returning. I first thought it was due to having two kids back to back, and that was the reason she would use for the first year or so, but it's been nearly two years since the birth of our youngest and she still turns me down about 70% of the time. She now says she's just stressed out from work and kids all the time and is depressed. I have often wondered if she might be having an affair. She is in the military and works with mostly men and has had a history of having affairs with married co-workers, one an ex boss and the other her current boss. Over the past holiday my brother told me that my wife told his wife that she was unhappy in our relationship and she didn't care if I cheated on her and that she was going to have sex with the first guy who showed her any attention/affection when she got deployed to the Iraq war theater. I was stunned. I asked my wife about it and she denied it and said simply that sister-in-law was a liar, but she didn't really get angry nor did she want to confront my sister-in-law, which I found to be out of the norm. My brother says it's all true, that his wife wouldn't lie about such a thing and he only told me because he's my brother and he's looking out for me.

 

Well, now my wife has been deployed. She's on the other side of the world and won't return until mid March. When she calls here, she doesn't really seem interested in speaking to me, but wants to talk to the kids mostly. Her email responses to me lack emotion. All I can think about is she is perhaps over there having an affair..."F--ing" some guy she has perhaps had a relationship with in the past. I continue to love her very much and have not cheated on her since we met. I have tried to talk to her about my concens and feelings, but she just gets all defensive and tries to make me out to be the bad guy. She doesn't want to go to marriage counciling. I don't know what to think and I am just starving for the kind of love making, intimacy and passion that we once shared together. Is there something wrong with me. My freinds say it's all her and I'm a guy that most women would consider a trophy husband.

 

I'm almost at the point where I want/need to cheat on her to get my sexual/sensual needs met.

 

If there's anyone out there who's has experienced the same dillema and wants to share any ideas or possible solutions to my problem, I would greatly appreciate your responses.

 

Thanks.

[doniker]

looks like you are on your way out of her life.

 

if she doesn't even want to try to make things better, odds are they won't get better.

 

I feel bad for your kids...they are the ones who will lose the most in the long run.

[SoleMate]

My condolences on your difficult situation. You came to the right place to get some support and help.

 

First of all, try PMing ArdeaCandidissima, because she has posted about a similar situation.

 

Secondly, even though your youngest is two, your wife still had a lot of demands on her, which leaves her tired and resentful, which is a libido killer.

 

Sounds like the two of you fell into an all-too-common trap of letting the arrival of children split you apart. You lose physical and emotional closeness and it's a destructive spiral. You actually can pull out though - I see several positive signs. You still love your wife, and she is craving attention and caring. I recommend you check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com, which will show you practical ways to make sure that YOU are the one who makes her feel good. This will bring her back to you, in all likelihood.

 

You will also benefit from learning to talk to her in ways that will not trigger defensiveness. Try books by John Gottman or Aaron Beck. Counselling would be even better if you can find someone who uses Gottman and Beck's research. Perhaps you can try some techniques that will make counselling feel more acceptable to her. It won't help if you blame or accuse, or say "I'm a great husband, everybody says so." Your wife would probably love to hear you say, "Honey, I wish I had given you so much more attention and love, the way you want it. You're gorgeous and you're the only woman I have eyes for. I'm kicking myself for not meeting your needs. I am doing everything I can right now to rebuild the closeness and love and fun we had, and I can't wait until you get home to show you the changes I'm making in the way I treat you. Can you tell me what you need from me?"

 

If possible, could you try not to think too much about the "cheating" issue (either yours or hers)? What I mean is, it sounds as if both of you are starved for the love and attention that you could and should be getting from each other. One of you may grab a bite of this attention, and that is not a good thing, but in the big picture of a valuable marriage and family that you are trying to save, it is not the first issue. A deployment fling would not fundamentally change issues between the two of you (unless she falls in love and keeps seeing him stateside.) The biggest issue is making sure that each of you gets your needs met within the marriage.

 

Good luck, I feel there is a lot of hope.

[Benedict]

My freinds say it's all her and I'm a guy that most women would consider a trophy husband.

 

Doesn't it make you just want to barf when you hear that? I heard it all the time, and while I felt to be fairly true, it didn't do me a tinker's damn worth of good in the situation. I was actually told I was too good by the wife...

 

Good luck to you. I fixed my marriage well enough, but it took a truckload of time, and as much patience... Maybe some time away might be what she needs to come back at it and fix it up.

[meanon]

It must be so hard dealing with such doubts and frustrations while your wife is engaged in dangerous work so far away. Give her the benefit of the doubt for now until you know for sure. She deserves your support. Having two kids back to back may well turn out to be a significant factor in what is happening - many couples encounter this and get over it to build stronger marriages.

 

You seem unsure as to whether your situation is caused by your wife's lack of libido or her dissatisfaction with the marriage. The problem is not only the lack of sex but the fact that you do not trust your wife and think she may be cheating herself. Clearly the situation can not continue as it is indefinitely but you are so unsighted as to her basic feelings about you that you have no way of knowing how risky the course of action you are embarking on is. You have two young children, you are risking turning their worlds upside down too. You need to do what you can to cope with this situation a little longer until you see your wife again. Then you need to get to the bottom of what the problem is and seek a solution that you both can live with (be it divorce, a blind eye turned to an affair, seeking to improve the marriage, whatever). If you act now in ignorance you could be out of her life and (in large part) your kids' lives forever.

[passionstarved66]

Thanks for the responses. I could be totally off base with my hunch that she is having an affair, and I still can't understand the whole issue of why she would say those hurtful things about how she alledgedly feels about me to my sister-in-law. This whole situation has me very confused. I have tried to give her the affection and attention she deserves, but to no avail; however, there are days (albiet, far and few between), when she seems affectionate and wants to make love....I think she feels guilty about letting me go without for weeks at a time and turning me down so often. Basically, since the kids have come along, I have been put on the back burner. Prior to us meeting a several years ago when we were still single, she was buying a ton of lingerie and I even found a notebook of hers (by accident, I swear) where she recorded her thoughts and summary of past relationships. She wrote that she was "very hot for sex all the time" and "just could not seem to get enough", and that "she was having issues with men and could not stay with the same man for any length of time" because she had "commitment issues that stemmed from childhood". Oh, she also mentioned "what a mistake she had made in the failure of her first marriage" and that "she was still in love with her first husband". She wrote this about a year-and-a-half before we met. I never told her I stumbled upon her notebook.

 

I suppose there is nothing I can do but vent and talk about my problems on this board until she returns home. I would like to discuss it via email while she's away, but that's probably innappropriate since she's living in a tent and in survival mode right now.

 

Any thoughts on what I read in her notebook several years ago? Thanks.

[Benedict]

Yeah, a few thoughts...

 

There is a whole lot more going on here. More than you're letting on.

 

and I even found a notebook of hers (by accident, I swear)

 

You might have found it by accident, but you didn't read it by accident, did you? There are soem serious trust issues going on.

 

I would start off by saying that if I were to have read that (accidentally or otherwise) it would be a HUGE red flag to me. I would probably avoided that altogether. But you didn't, so...

 

It also occurs to me that maybe she detects this mistrust of her - earned or unearned - on your part. That can go a long long way in killing the relationship, my man. Maybe that's what she needs to get away from...

 

You are probably in the position of just having to wait it out. She - and I assume she is a combat trained soldier - probably is, like you say, in survival mode and does not think about it much. She may be in an affair.. and what could you do about it? Nothing at all.ay be in a position of having to work past it someday soon. It ain't easy, but it can be done.

[meanon]

You are judging your wife's current behaviour in the context of doubts you have about something she wrote one and a half years before you met - that's the most striking thing to me.

[passionstarved66]

"It also occurs to me that maybe she detects this mistrust of her - earned or unearned - on your part. That can go a long long way in killing the relationship, my man. Maybe that's what she needs to get away from..."

 

There is no doubt she detects that I have a sense of distrust in her. She sometimes makes comments (jokingly I think) that I have a girl friend and I simply tell her she's totally wrong and I'm deeply in love with her and I want her to be my "girl freind". I take it in jest and don't get all defensive for I have nothing to hide since I have been completely loyal to her. However, when I turn it on her and say something like "oh, that must be the guy you have a crush on or are secretly seeing" she gets all defensive and weird like she has something to hide. I don't understand why it's okay for her to "kid" with me, but she gets mad when I to it to her. Any clues?

[meanon]

In my experience people often joke about things they are bothered about but lack the courage to tackle. So she may have been doing what you were doing - asking if the other is having an affair by joking about it. Her different reaction to you could indicate that it is not so easy for her to laugh off as she feels you distrust her so it's more hurtful. Or she could be hiding something (less likely I think as she would be trying to deflect attention rather than draw it).

 

The more you say the more the lack of sex sounds like a symptom of a marriage in crisis in which there is a lack of trust and communication. Maybe she said what she did to your sister in law the knowledge it may be passed on as a sort of cry for help. I think to say something so close to home she must have known it was likely to be passed on. Maybe she was unable to find a way of broaching the subject herself and then bottled out when you confronted her. Hard to say without knowing how much you have tried to discuss your marital problems with her.

 

I agree these issues are better dealt with face to face than by email when she is at war.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Have you considered that she might just feel overwhelmed? Having two children and the responsibilities of a job can be too much for some people.

 

I have five boys myself and I find that I was getting resentful of my husband who would come after work and put his feet up or go hang out with friends when I was stuck with the kids all day.

 

She may be a bit more romantic if you planned one weekend every month for a just you and her get away. Talk to her and let her know that you are concerned that she has too much on her plate and offer the weekend suggestion.

 

Being that she is away right now you might tell her you have planned a special time for when she gets back for you and her... then wait and see how she responds.

 

Good luck

The Faithful wife

[passionstarved66]

Faithfulwife,

 

Thanks, that's probably what it is and I'm more than likely just overreacting. Thanks for the GREAT advice!!!!

[TMCM]

Don't be too sure about overreacting because the fact that she has flat out rejected your suggestion of marital counseling is definitely NOT a good sign. Consider your wife's history of affairs with married men and one failed marriage (which she takes responsibility for) as huge red flags that you mustn't ignore. And as far as having an affair of your own please don't because you'll only be making a bad situation worse than it already is.