Emotionally Unavailable Husband

[AVR1962]

Husband and I have been married 18 years, he's 50 and I am 47. Both married previously, both mates cheated so committment and honesty has been very important to us both. Both come from Christian homes. Right from the start I just felt the relationship was one-sided, my parents even meantioned it to me, I was always persuing him. He claimed that his first love hurt him real bad and that he swore he would never let that happen again and he siad he just wasn't the ideas type person. Even as far as sex it was 90% of the time me going to him. Thru our marriage he has become obviously infatuated with a few women.....when he tells of his teen years he talks about being infatuated with this girl and that but never feeling confident to talk to them.

 

Our marriage really has been rough, one that I would never want to do again.....stepfamily dealing with exes who tried to alienate us from our children (we had custody of all 4 children), the oldest boy set fires in our house and screamed how much he hated me. Husband was military and gone alot, had a huge drinking prblem which has caused us lots of conflict. He was an admitted porn addict. Because of his career we moved around which was always an adjustment for everyone. Once the kids were raised stories then surfaced about incest among our kids which totally and completely devestated me but I am a strong person and I pulled thru. The oldest boy no longer has contact with us at all and hasn't for years. Everything thing is well with the rest of the kids. But until they started leaving home I never had the chance to full address any issue between us (me and my husband), I was just trying to keep the family going and providing for everyone.

 

A very close girlfriend of mine had an emotional affair on her husband and I realized then just how involved these situations become and realized my husband had probably been caught up in the same. After all these years of denying what I felt, he admitted that these were emotional affairs, said he had no intentions to leave me for them, that they were nothing. I asked him if he had thought about what it would be like to have sex with these women and he laughed (the same way his son laughed when he admitted to incest with my daughter) and said, "Of course, I'm a man." That was it for it, it was the final straw.....I had been going to him, I had been trying to work thru all the garbage, keeping the marriage together for the sake of the child we later had together. I seperated myself from him emotionally, I have not talked to him and don't care to, I no longer seek him and well, we have not had sex for 6 months. We co-exist as friends.

 

I had to vent, last night we went to dinner and in his fortune cookie it said, "You need to stop being so negative," and he tells me this one for me. I didn't react as I think that's what he likes, the idiot broke my finger in an argument a few years back when he was drunk and then tried to tell the police that I attacked him, ha!

 

I'm questioning why I have stayed, I know I don't want my daughter to see her parents divorced as I have already lived that nightmare. We have 4 more years before our daughter graduates highschool and I am trying to hold on. There are times I just hate him though.

[Rabican]

Wow, what a story.

 

"I'm questioning why I have stayed, I know I don't want my daughter to see her parents divorced as I have already lived that nightmare. We have 4 more years before our daughter graduates highschool and I am trying to hold on. There are times I just hate him though."

 

The question is which do you feel will be harder on your daughter? Living with two people who cant stand each other or dealing with your divorce?

[TaraMaiden]

My astonishment is more along the lines of why the hell have you allowed yourself to waste 18 years?

 

As someone with two daughters who has been through a divorce herself, let me tell you - there IS no 'good' time to divorce a partner, as far as the children are concerned.

But trust me - waiting to make the move until *such a time* is a foolish, reckless waste of time.

And yes - it is far better to make a break and have a stable pair of parents, rather than one home with two parents who are patently and obviously at odds with one another.

 

Your home situation, with the issue of incest, should be further reason for you to protect yourself and your daughter from the bitter and twisted mentality your husband is so obviously graced with.

 

Tell your daughter you intend to leave your husband.

Explain to her how unhappy you are, and that life has more promise and fulfilment without him than with him.

 

Discuss everything with her.

I have a feeling she will back you up.

 

Then get out, keep yourself well, and throw the divorce book at him.

It's been done before, this is nothing new.

But your life will be.

[blair08]

In another thread you have, you said your husband admitted to emotional affairs. So yes I suppose that's why he is emotionally unavaiable.

 

With all of the other things that has happened as well, you need to sit down and make a list of WHY it is you feel the need to stay. Do you feel staying for your daughter far outweighs that of leaving and getting some sanity in your life for you and her? Ask yourself, would you rather come from a broken home or continue stay in a broken home?

[porkinsjehosaphat]

AVR, your post is devastating and dumbfounding.

 

Leave this man as soon as possible with as little drama as possible.

 

You're only 47, you still have time to find someone to share a true loving relationship with.

[Corporate]

After all these years of denying what I felt, he admitted that these were emotional affairs, said he had no intentions to leave me for them, that they were nothing. I asked him if he had thought about what it would be like to have sex with these women and he laughed (the same way his son laughed when he admitted to incest with my daughter) and said, "Of course, I'm a man."

 

And you believe him when he said there were emotional affairs only and not physical affairs?

[AVR1962]

I have no idea whether he is telling the truth about the affairs being only emotional. I know he and his drinking buddies (military TDY) wanted to get into a brathel in Holland "just to have a beer" but didn't go in when they found out it was going to cost them $20 a person at the door to get in.

 

Funny thing about all of this is our friends think we have the perfect marriage and think my husband is a great guy. The ones I am close enough to, to tell my story can' believe these actions would ome out of my husband. My mom and my Gma were the first epople I called after my husband broke my finger.......both encouraged me to stay for my daughter's sake.

 

Divorce.....wow, I wish that solved everything but have learned from a previous divorce that it does not. So yeah, I have ben caught in a delemia for a long time and just wonder sometimes if life can really be better and what am I doing wrong? Why am I picking these losers?

 

My first husband not only cheated but he didn't work to support the family, lied about everything and anything, ran up bills all over the place which I ended up payig for after our divorce and skipped out on child support. I then dated a man that came on like a knight in shining armour only to become a stolker.....I threatened that my house would be burned down if I dated anyone else, he tried to run me off the road at 55 mph, I ad 2 restraining orders on him and still he managed to get thru one of my house windows and attempted to rape me.

 

I either don't know what to look for in men or they find me coming but I am tired of being burned.

[Corporate]

I have no idea whether he is telling the truth about the affairs being only emotional. I know he and his drinking buddies (military TDY) wanted to get into a brathel in Holland "just to have a beer" but didn't go in when they found out it was going to cost them $20 a person at the door to get in.

 

Funny thing about all of this is our friends think we have the perfect marriage and think my husband is a great guy. The ones I am close enough to, to tell my story can' believe these actions would ome out of my husband. My mom and my Gma were the first epople I called after my husband broke my finger.......both encouraged me to stay for my daughter's sake.

 

Divorce.....wow, I wish that solved everything but have learned from a previous divorce that it does not. So yeah, I have ben caught in a delemia for a long time and just wonder sometimes if life can really be better and what am I doing wrong? Why am I picking these losers?

 

My first husband not only cheated but he didn't work to support the family, lied about everything and anything, ran up bills all over the place which I ended up payig for after our divorce and skipped out on child support. I then dated a man that came on like a knight in shining armour only to become a stolker.....I threatened that my house would be burned down if I dated anyone else, he tried to run me off the road at 55 mph, I ad 2 restraining orders on him and still he managed to get thru one of my house windows and attempted to rape me.

 

I either don't know what to look for in men or they find me coming but I am tired of being burned.

 

Which city do you live in? Have you tried to date educated men? Try lawyers, doctors, and engineers. They are usually good citizens.

[PandorasBox]

Divorce may not solve everything like you stated, BUT neither does staying in situation that isn't working or no longer productive.

 

If he has checked out emotionally and you feel he will not check back in even with some marriage counseling, or you feel its probably just a lost cause, then at some point someone is going to need to make a choice on what to do. Personally, IMO if he has checked out emotionally then I would say he has made the choice, or at least until he or you decides what you want to continue to do.

[Rabican]

My astonishment is more along the lines of why the hell have you allowed yourself to waste 18 years?

 

As someone with two daughters who has been through a divorce herself, let me tell you - there IS no 'good' time to divorce a partner, as far as the children are concerned.

But trust me - waiting to make the move until *such a time* is a foolish, reckless waste of time.

And yes - it is far better to make a break and have a stable pair of parents, rather than one home with two parents who are patently and obviously at odds with one another.

 

Your home situation, with the issue of incest, should be further reason for you to protect yourself and your daughter from the bitter and twisted mentality your husband is so obviously graced with.

 

Tell your daughter you intend to leave your husband.

Explain to her how unhappy you are, and that life has more promise and fulfilment without him than with him.

 

Discuss everything with her.

I have a feeling she will back you up.

 

Then get out, keep yourself well, and throw the divorce book at him.

It's been done before, this is nothing new.

But your life will be.

 

I agree with this. Trust me your daughter sees how your living. She is aware of your unhappiness and will equate that to how she is suppose to approach her relationships. Make her a stronger women and show her that you have a right to be treated correctly and as result so should she.

 

Haul ass women...

[TaraMaiden]

Which city do you live in? Have you tried to date educated men? Try lawyers, doctors, and engineers. They are usually good citizens.

 

What a ludicrous and naive statement.

These people also work in highly stressful jobs, and exert power. if you think this is the type of man who couldn't possibly 'mistreat' a woman - think again.

[Corporate]

What a ludicrous and naive statement.

These people also work in highly stressful jobs, and exert power. if you think this is the type of man who couldn't possibly 'mistreat' a woman - think again.

 

Don't you dare try to put words in my mouth. I said they are usually good citizens. That does not translate to "couldn't possibly."

[JackJack]

What a person does for living has nothing to do with how they might or might not treat another person.

Edited June 15, 2010 by JackJack

[TaraMaiden]

Don't you dare try to put words in my mouth. I said they are usually good citizens. That does not translate to "couldn't possibly."

I'm not putting words into your mouth. I'm actually making the point JackJack made.

And even the Op's last post speaks of those in her close circle being unable to believe her H is capable of such actions... so it cuts all ways...

 

You you can't judge a book by the cover.

 

And I know several educated citizens who are plumbers, bakers and mailmen.

Your post seems to imply that such people are NOT educated.

If anyone is making sweeping statements, I think you're in the ball-park.

That's all.

[JackJack]

As far as what to do...you're gonna have to do some soul searching and figure out what you need to do. The answer isn't here, (not that you can't seek advice here, because you can) I'm just meaning, no one can tell you for sure what you can do. Its gonna have to be up to you. If you feel divorce isn't the answer and staying isn't either, well, there's not much left I don't suppose.

 

Never stay for the kids is my only advice right now. Children learn what they see and hear, so its all in what you feel your daughter might be learning by you staying in a not so good situation. I think its up to you.

[AVR1962]

Just want to make a comment about finding a good citizen (lawyer, etc), my husband was Air Force for 27 years and served our country for the freedom of all Americans. This has nothing to do with career connected to "good citizens."

 

Yes, I am going to have to do alot of soul searching and I guess that's why I am here. I think more than anything it is me who has 'checked-out.' I feel I have given it all I could and feel encreibly sad that I have not been heard. Counseling over specific issues such as the porn addiction has worked but it has seemed like a continual battle. He loves to over-indulge, whether it be drinking or eating. Counselor said that he had trouble with limitations. I claims he likes to eat, likes to drink and can't turn off what he likes and I think that same thinking was probably the problem with his porn habit, that and the fact he has always been a guy that love fantacies. He is a passive-aggressive who wanted his boys to run and do whatever they wished and I ended up being the disaplinarian (parent) which brought hard feeling between me and my husband, and me and his sons. He likes to do anything that requires sitting eventhough he sits infront of a computer all day long......more computer time playing games at home, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles. It is still me to this day that has the ideas.....go to dinner, to a movie, for a walk. He doesn't attempt to cook (used to help me). It is like he sees me as the one responsible for the home and everything connected to it and thinks I should wait on him, like my life should revolve around him. Maybe our differences are just too great. I talk to my lady friends who ahve been married for the approx time we have and I hear all kinds of issues, mostly the lack of interest in sharing time together and the man's self interests that seem to dominate his actions, the husband's temper and his desire for control, inability to communicate, kid issues and the differences we share on that subject, all the things I am saying here. Yet, if so many are dealing with the same issues and the differences between men and women seem so typical, how is divorce going to solve any of that? My husband and I are not at each other's throats fighting so my daughter is not exposed to a continual threat of violence. She thinks her dad is the greatest so how is it going to help her to take her away from the very person she loves most in this world? My daughter loves that her dad plays computer games and watches TV, she coudl care less who does the cooking and I think she too assumes it's me who shoudl do it. She sees the distance but is that unrealistic? I saw the same in my parent's marrriage and in my aunts and uncles, my grandparents. It seems more unrelaistic to me to think that couples will be forever embracing one another like newlyweds and feeling the same feelings they did when they first met. So you see my conflicting thoughts?

[AVR1962]

Struck out on the Internet to read about emotional unavailable people. One of the things I read today was that there is a reason within us that we seek out a partner who is unavailable, it serves something we need in our lives. So I thought about it, thought back to the time my husband and I met.....I had been divorced 3 years and was trying to be the asservtive one, something my counselor encouraged because she felt I needed to be more in control of my life and seek what I wanted for myself and that is exactly what I did with this relationship. My 7 year marriage to my first husband was basically him threatening he'd go look for someone else if I didn't have sex with him. 3 days would go by and he'd be having tantrums. He wanted me to go to him but I had no desire as not enough time ever passed. He was very demanding and very intimidating. I basically had sex just to keep him from having his fits, thinking at the time that if I just endured it woudl keep him from running around. My thinking was about as far off as it could possibly be. No matter how much and sometimes we'd do it 10 times in one day, it ws never enough and he cheated regardless. So my thoughts when I was dating was that I wanted someone "safe," someone that was willing to get to know me which my 2nd husband allowed that freedom and we did form a friendship first. I didn't want our focus to be on sex and it never has but what I have lacked and felt it evern then was the intamacy, just the nicities....the complements and his interst for me. I think that really worked for me as I would have run fast had I dated another man like my ex. I have ordered a book, "Emotionally Unavailable" which sounds very interesting. I am hoping to find out a little more about myself and maybe make a little more sense of the situation.

[PandorasBox]

Just want to make a comment about finding a good citizen (lawyer, etc), my husband was Air Force for 27 years and served our country for the freedom of all Americans. This has nothing to do with career connected to "good citizens."

 

Yes, I am going to have to do alot of soul searching and I guess that's why I am here. I think more than anything it is me who has 'checked-out.' I feel I have given it all I could and feel encreibly sad that I have not been heard. Counseling over specific issues such as the porn addiction has worked but it has seemed like a continual battle. He loves to over-indulge, whether it be drinking or eating. Counselor said that he had trouble with limitations. I claims he likes to eat, likes to drink and can't turn off what he likes and I think that same thinking was probably the problem with his porn habit, that and the fact he has always been a guy that love fantacies. He is a passive-aggressive who wanted his boys to run and do whatever they wished and I ended up being the disaplinarian (parent) which brought hard feeling between me and my husband, and me and his sons. He likes to do anything that requires sitting eventhough he sits infront of a computer all day long......more computer time playing games at home, watching TV, doing crossword puzzles. It is still me to this day that has the ideas.....go to dinner, to a movie, for a walk. He doesn't attempt to cook (used to help me). It is like he sees me as the one responsible for the home and everything connected to it and thinks I should wait on him, like my life should revolve around him. Maybe our differences are just too great. I talk to my lady friends who ahve been married for the approx time we have and I hear all kinds of issues, mostly the lack of interest in sharing time together and the man's self interests that seem to dominate his actions, the husband's temper and his desire for control, inability to communicate, kid issues and the differences we share on that subject, all the things I am saying here. Yet, if so many are dealing with the same issues and the differences between men and women seem so typical, how is divorce going to solve any of that? My husband and I are not at each other's throats fighting so my daughter is not exposed to a continual threat of violence. She thinks her dad is the greatest so how is it going to help her to take her away from the very person she loves most in this world? My daughter loves that her dad plays computer games and watches TV, she coudl care less who does the cooking and I think she too assumes it's me who shoudl do it. She sees the distance but is that unrealistic? I saw the same in my parent's marrriage and in my aunts and uncles, my grandparents. It seems more unrelaistic to me to think that couples will be forever embracing one another like newlyweds and feeling the same feelings they did when they first met. So you see my conflicting thoughts?

 

It is very difficult to live with a person who has entitlement issues, which is how he seems to me. People like that think its all about them. They want things when they want it, how they want etc. It doesn't matter about how someone else feels. Its all about what you can do for them. Yes,they also have boundary/limitation issues as well, most people who have addictions/impulse issues do. I know, my ex husband was like that. I found myself giving alot, while he did all of the taking and he truly believed he was owed whatever. That got old, and I became drained and resentful. I lost myself. That's why he is now an ex! Well, its not the only reason, we had other issues to. I agree its gonna have to come down to you making a choice. Whether its you that has checked out or him, the marriage is suffering. That's no way to live.

Edited June 16, 2010 by PandorasBox

[AVR1962]

PandorasBox.....can you explain a little more what you mean about entitlement issues? I looked it up and found lots pertaining to children but not on grown adults. I think I know what you're saying and maybe you're right. To me he just seems emotionally dead.

 

I show have seen the signs right from the start but I had been thru a bad marriage and I thought that I just didn't know the difference between "normal" and needy and my first husband was extrememly needy. I was in my 20's so I was clueless. I could feel something but only knew that I wasn't sure of what I was sensing.

 

Right from the start, and I didn't rush into this, I wanted to know him so it was 4 months into the relationship before we ever kissed, he enver tried, I basically gave him the okay and he was tickled and surprised. When I tried to hold his hand 21 years ago and he drops my hand. I kiss him in public and he woudl tell me military are not allowed to kiss in public eventhough he wasn't in uniform. I told him I loved him for the first time and he told me that he couldn't tell me that (also in the beinning). Thinking on my part that his feeling are NOT mutual which it seems to be the case but when I I asked I was told that he simply isn't the romantic type and becuase I am getting NO feedback from him that he wants a to be more than friends I tried to break up with him and he cried and pleaded and then got angry with me???? I was the one going to him for sex, not him coming to me. I was the one trying to be creative and fun and doing things to share time together. He seemed more content to watch TV and crossword puzzles. I was the one giving the gifts and cards, saying sweet things thinking that maybe he just needed to learn how to do this but NOTHING, nothing in the world has changed us. I have talked, I have asked him a million questions on how he feels as to me it feels like he married me for companionship, not love and then he will tell me he loves me but that's about the only time. I have slowly given up and little by little I have stopped going to him, I have stopped everything and I don't think he sees anything wrong with it. If I dare say anything about my feelings it's like talking to a brick wall, nothing ever changes. He's dead emotionally. I feel like a plant who has been watered with poison.....I'm not thriving. I would just love it to have one nice thing said to me. To have someone show me some attention, to feel wanted. I have lived like this for 21 years. Putting my efforts into everything around me to feed me and keep me busy so I don't think about the pain I have felt being my husband's roommate. So I hope you now ujnderstand how it hurts to have all this happen to you and then watch as your spouse shows interest in someone else. His actions contradict his words and eventhough he claims he loves me there nothing about his actions that show it.

[TaraMaiden]

You know, while I understand that for psychiatric and psychological factors, we should have different categories and definitions of mental behaviour - I really find it worrying that everything people think/say/do has to be hyper-analysed, labelled, categorised and put into its very own 'behaviour box'.

Quite frankly, whether he's narcissistic, passive-aggressive, has anger or control issues or had entitlement issues - the guy's a complete jerk-@sshole.

 

That's it.

 

That's all you need to know.

If he needs analysis, defining, therapy and professional help - let him seek it, find it and get it. And let his therapists say what is really "wrong" with him.

 

All too often we seek reason and justification for a person's behaviour, as if that will open a thousand doors for us.

This is actually how people end up adding to their own confusion, rather than clearing it.

 

The big question is never "what is he doing and why?"

 

The big question should always, but always be:

 

"How do I stay safe and well in this?"

 

So forget all the mental machination garbage, and answer me this:

 

How do you intend to look after yourself in this?

[AVR1962]

Good question and points Tara! I am clueless what I am going to do, I don't know where to begin really. I guess I keep trying to get at roots so that something makes sense but it does seem we're spinning our wheels here. We talked again today and I just asked my husband to go back to the beginning when he rejected holding my hand and all the one-sidedness I've seen as this was the foundation of our relationship. Basically what come out of it "I think" comes down to him not wanting to be 'tamed' and wanting to remain his own boss, I think sharing his life is too scary for him. We talked about our differences as far as movies and restuarants and I found out he didn't ask because he felt he was shot down a few times when I suggested something different when actually I just get sick of the same ole stuff and we each have different tastes. I am a busy person he likes to sit and while that attracted him at first with all my ideas I think he has grown to recent my busy ways. His lack of boundaries and seemingly wanting to live like a single man without any concern for me and how his actions may affect me has caused me to become angry and distant and so his attempts to be nice, like ask me how my day went, have not always been welcomed. I certianly don't attack him but I really don't think he cares. So there's hard feelings on both parts and blaming on both parts. I feel I can't really trust him as the past has proven that time and time again.

[PandorasBox]

AVR, entitlement issues, basically mean, being selfish. Its all about what they want etc, and no one else's feeling matters. Its basically a learned behavior from childhood, maybe thats why you found more info on it about children.

 

I also feel that if you have someone who it seems to be about them and what they want, then they may have a harder time connecting with another person on an emotional level, because they are to much into themselves.

[AVR1962]

PandorasBox and all those who replied, thank you! I have been putting things together and maybe not fully there yet but some things started clicking.

 

Husband and I talked this morn.... I told him that what I saw and what I felt he was saying yesterday when we talked sounded to me like control issues. He wants to be the one to make the decisions, we talk, we agree but he doesn't follow thru so I take action and then he blames me for my attempts and because I took action it throws his control and then comes resentment from him.....not in words but ratehr in withdrawal and bits of vindictive behavoir. I told him that what bothered me more than anything about his confession to the emotional affairs is his laugh when I asked him if thoughts of sex were included. That laugh told me he feels he has a sense of "entitlement." I told him that I just wonder what happened in his childhood to allow him to think that everything should be his way. I asked him if his mom doted on him and he said that it was quite the opposite, that his mom never allowed him to make a choice, that he always had to do what she said. And I do know she was quite demanding, I didn't care for her becuase she had to have everything a certian way and it was to a point of being anal. He said that once he was out of his parents' home he wanted to be his own boss and he vowed then that no one was going to tell him what to do.

 

So basically what I have been dealing with for the past 21 years is a man who "wants" control but does not want to make decisions, does not want to initiate and will not express an opinion which has lead me to guess and persue to try and make a relationship. When he has failed to come thru, I then take the lead and then he silently becomes angered and resentful and will not lend me the support, then comes the blame and vendictive actions. He said that in the last 6 months that I have not come to him (which is the norm)for sex he has become very resentful and that anger has kept him from coming to me, trying to communicate, and that is why he has gone to have beers with the guys without telling me where he was going.

 

I let him know that I finally got tired of trying. I am the ideas person but then he seems resentful of me being busy and having the ideas, says I ahve to have everything my way when actually I am just trying to find things to do together. 21 years of me being the initiator and getting nothing in return, not even a compliment at times gets REALLY old......I told him I basically started feeling like I was a prostitute seeking sex from him and that because of all the issues I found I was only pleasing him and I was getting nothing in return. I felt that he was waving me int to go to him for sex but beyond that he pretty much wanted nothing more to do with me and I no longer wanted to be his sperm receptical.

 

I told him that I would not longer be his ideas person but I also wasn't going to sit infront of the TV and let my butt gel into the couch, that I was going to continue to do things but I was no longer going to ask him if he wanted to be a part or come along. I told him that he was welcome to be a part of things but that he had to decide what he wanted for himself, that I was not longer going to try to keep finding ways for us to spend time together and do things together, he had to want to be a part of things.

 

I asked him how he planned to deal with his issues of wanting control and entitlement and he said he didn't know. So we'll see what happens from here.