Update on your situation/affair

[Silly_Girl]

OK, back to updates.

 

I told MM today that I just can't be here if he goes on that cruise. Just thought I'd let you know since I keep getting PMs. He acts like he didn't see it coming but he knows it was.

 

I'm sure he will be fine as he's always had his backup plan. I know I will be fine--I am my own backup plan.

 

Well done WF. Sometimes a decision, ANY decision, is better than the wilderness

 

Good luck to you!

[White Flower]

Well done WF. Sometimes a decision, ANY decision, is better than the wilderness

 

Good luck to you!

Thank you SG.

[fooled once]

OK, back to updates.

 

I told MM today that I just can't be here if he goes on that cruise. Just thought I'd let you know since I keep getting PMs. He acts like he didn't see it coming but he knows it was.

 

I'm sure he will be fine as he's always had his backup plan. I know I will be fine--I am my own backup plan.

 

WF, I am glad you threw it out there and that you hold true on that boundary. I hope you don't accept any BullSh*t excuses from him when he returns about how he just had to go, blah blah.

 

You will be alright Good for you!!

[White Flower]

WF, I am glad you threw it out there and that you hold true on that boundary. I hope you don't accept any BullSh*t excuses from him when he returns about how he just had to go, blah blah.

 

You will be alright Good for you!!

Thanks FO.

 

Another update. I offered my exH an olive branch and we're going to be friends now. He agreed to begin repaying an asset allocation that he quit paying for a while. Life is good.

[White Dove]

OK, back to updates.

 

I told MM today that I just can't be here if he goes on that cruise. Just thought I'd let you know since I keep getting PMs. He acts like he didn't see it coming but he knows it was.

 

I'm sure he will be fine as he's always had his backup plan. I know I will be fine--I am my own backup plan.

 

Thanks FO.

 

Another update. I offered my exH an olive branch and we're going to be friends now. He agreed to begin repaying an asset allocation that he quit paying for a while. Life is good.

 

Good for you, WF! It takes a strong woman to do all this in a short time (although I don't really know your back story) but I admire you nonetheless!

[White Flower]

Good for you, WF! It takes a strong woman to do all this in a short time (although I don't really know your back story) but I admire you nonetheless!

 

Thanks White Dove! I've been blessed with a big heart and good communication skills.

 

Yet another update, but it may be premature.

 

MM called today and it seems his W has sensed he is not all that into the cruise. She threatened (which doesn't mean much) to call the trip off and send him to the guest bedroom. She also dragged out of him that he'd cheated before. Not fun in that house tonight.

 

This could go either way and I'm aware of that.

[2sunny]

His W is "sensing"? Why wouldn't he just be a grown up and tell her straight up he's not into it and doesn't want to go? This is his sneaky, manipulative way. He's not willing to be honest, but he will make her have to guess at his emotions? Sheez, why does life have to be a guessing game? Where's his honesty? It just looks more manipulative. Makes me also wonder what truth he's not willing to put out there to you too, WF. I hate those games.

[Silly_Girl]

His W is "sensing"? Why wouldn't he just be a grown up and tell her straight up he's not into it and doesn't want to go? This is his sneaky, manipulative way. He's not willing to be honest, but he will make her have to guess at his emotions? Sheez, why does life have to be a guessing game? Where's his honesty? It just looks more manipulative. Makes me also wonder what truth he's not willing to put out there to you too, WF. I hate those games.

 

Great post. It's an awful way to live, and an awful way to treat people.

 

How are you, WF?

[White Flower]

His W is "sensing"? Why wouldn't he just be a grown up and tell her straight up he's not into it and doesn't want to go? This is his sneaky, manipulative way. He's not willing to be honest, but he will make her have to guess at his emotions? Sheez, why does life have to be a guessing game? Where's his honesty? It just looks more manipulative. Makes me also wonder what truth he's not willing to put out there to you too, WF. I hate those games.

 

Great post. It's an awful way to live, and an awful way to treat people.

 

How are you, WF?

 

I suppose I made my post short to prevent TMI. He did tell her he didn't want to go and he admitted he should have told her that in the beginning but she made such a big deal out of it and it snowballed from there. He knows he can't blame her though as he should have made it clear from the beginning that he didn't want to go.

 

His IC and I have both been showing him that he doesn't have to go with the flow because that only aids in his duplicity. In order to be authentic, you have to speak what you actually feel. For him, this has always been risky but with recent events (losing me being one of them) he's realizing that being honest is the key to getting what he really wants.

 

I haven't heard anything since last night so I don't know if they went back to what they know (blame and guilt and status quo) or if he slept in the spare bedroom.

 

I'm OK. I made my resolve on Wednesday when I told him I can't stand by and watch him pretend anymore. If he stays, he's a pretender and I am not losing anything but sweet memories. If he leaves, I'm in for quite a ride but I can handle anything as long as he's chosen authenticity.

[jj33]

Wow good for you WF. Now you will know for sure if he is just hiding behind his Ws coattails.

 

Its reasonable after a long marriage to say we are going to go and then divorce when we get back. One last hurrah wiht the family, the cruise she wanted etc.

 

But only if he has a place rented and he has told her he is leaving. No more gasslighting.

[jj33]

I thought i was doing really well and now I am not. I hate him. I hate being around him. I hate the fact that he acts like an expert on what I do and who is the best choice to do what I do and promotes other people right in front of my face and in that discourse says oh JJ is really good if you need (name one tiny little portion of what I do) and then promotes other people for everything else.

 

I hate him so much that I left a client function early because the mere sound of his voice was grating on me so much my head was spinning and i thought i was going to be sick.

 

I dont know how to get past this. I am worried that I am going insane. And what can a counsellor say to me? You need to get over this? You need to focus on other things? You need to see him for who he is? I knwo that and I do. But being around him makes my head spin.

 

At one point we were alone waiting for others to return. We sat in silence. There is nothing to say to him and the thought that he would even ATTEMPT something like an apology? not him.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. I wish he would drop off the face of the earth.

[BB07]

Hugs.....JJ, and I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

 

He IS an ass!

[White Flower]

JJ, I'm sorry you still have to do business with him. Is there any way you can alter that situation without hurting your business?

[jj33]

I have altered it to the extent I can. The thing is now I know that he is actively promoting my competition to my clients. THere is nothing I can do about that. he is free to speak well of whoever he wants to.

[White Flower]

Wow good for you WF. Now you will know for sure if he is just hiding behind his Ws coattails.

 

Its reasonable after a long marriage to say we are going to go and then divorce when we get back. One last hurrah wiht the family, the cruise she wanted etc.

 

But only if he has a place rented and he has told her he is leaving. No more gasslighting.

 

I suppose it would be reasonable as long as she was in on his true feelings and decided to go along with the pretenses. If she thought he was going because he wanted to genuinely be there but found out he didn't, it is not reasonable. That is why she is so angry at the moment and I can't blame her.

 

But that has always been their dynamic. He withholds the truth due to fear, and she feeds the fear by speaking badly about others who cheat and what she would do if she discovered he was cheating. Vicious cycle.

 

For their sake, I hope the cycle ends. It can only end by being honest.

[jj33]

Absolutely. Its my understanding that its not unusual for couples to go on these trips that have been planned for so long with lots of other people, come home and then announce to hte world that the marriage is over.

 

They dont want to upset the apple cart when so many others have booked hte trip with them. It gives everyone one last memory of the good things about their mariage and since they are about to embark on a big heap of trouble and anguish (the divorce) its one last little moment for them to have some normalcy.

 

But that ONLY works if both people know about it.

 

If he had ANY backbone, he would have said something to her in May or sooner and said look I have known your family for years, if you want to go, and they want to go, we can go for the sake of the family.

 

Or he would go knowing htat he had a place lined up for when he got back and he would tell her after.

 

But to be in this position where she knows there are problems in teh marriage, she knows he is unhappy, he is gaslighting her, giving her false hopes, not allowing her to move on and accept the reality of the situatoin, that is simply cruel and cowardly. Sorry WF but it is.

 

Its cruel and cowardly to you and to his W. And my suspicion is that if he doesnt step up to the plate now, he may never do it. Or you could be sitting here in a year still waiting for him to find his balls. No I take that back. Its not his balls its his integrity.

 

Someone who lies for so long just to protect himself seriuosly lacks integrity. You are such a wonderful woman. Are you sure you want to take on a man with so many issues who is so lacking in integrity?

 

I think sometimes we hold onto the dream for SO LONG that we cant seem when it has ceased to be the dream anymore and is now something that we have worked so hard to get that we simply must see it through because we have ceased to imagine any other future for ourselves.

 

Big hugs WF

 

jjxx

[jj33]

As for me, I dont know what to do with myself. I feel so sad and so alone and so blech. He is pinhead. A total pinhead. THe problem is he speaks as if he knows who is the best person to choose and he is not saying me.

 

So now he is the enemy.

[jj33]

WF Im really sorry but at this point, I fear your situation is going to end like Broken Ladys with you hanging on for so long to so many excuses and broken promises only to find it was for nothing.

 

This is his big chance. If he doesnt act now, I think you need to shut hte door. Let him find someone else to explore his issues with. you have emotional needs too and your first need will be to distance yourself from him so that you can move on and not be sucked in yet again.

[White Flower]

Absolutely. Its my understanding that its not unusual for couples to go on these trips that have been planned for so long with lots of other people, come home and then announce to hte world that the marriage is over.

 

They dont want to upset the apple cart when so many others have booked hte trip with them. It gives everyone one last memory of the good things about their mariage and since they are about to embark on a big heap of trouble and anguish (the divorce) its one last little moment for them to have some normalcy.

 

But that ONLY works if both people know about it.

 

If he had ANY backbone, he would have said something to her in May or sooner and said look I have known your family for years, if you want to go, and they want to go, we can go for the sake of the family.

 

Or he would go knowing htat he had a place lined up for when he got back and he would tell her after.

 

But to be in this position where she knows there are problems in teh marriage, she knows he is unhappy, he is gaslighting her, giving her false hopes, not allowing her to move on and accept the reality of the situatoin, that is simply cruel and cowardly. Sorry WF but it is.

 

Its cruel and cowardly to you and to his W. And my suspicion is that if he doesnt step up to the plate now, he may never do it. Or you could be sitting here in a year still waiting for him to find his balls. No I take that back. Its not his balls its his integrity.

 

Someone who lies for so long just to protect himself seriuosly lacks integrity. You are such a wonderful woman. Are you sure you want to take on a man with so many issues who is so lacking in integrity?

 

I think sometimes we hold onto the dream for SO LONG that we cant seem when it has ceased to be the dream anymore and is now something that we have worked so hard to get that we simply must see it through because we have ceased to imagine any other future for ourselves.

 

Big hugs WF

 

jjxx

You're absolutely right about lacking integrity. And perhaps you didn't read the prior updates, but that is exactly what all this has been about. I know he can do this if he wants, but it will take character, including the aspect of integrity, to pull it off. As I said earlier, I am at peace with losing him which is why I ended it on Wednesday. If he goes on the cruise after having an honest discussion with her about his future intentions of D I could maybe buy that. Still, I'd rather he didn't go and made it clear that if he does I won't be here when he gets back.

 

Trust me JJ, I am through with cruel and cowardly.

 

As for me, I dont know what to do with myself. I feel so sad and so alone and so blech. He is pinhead. A total pinhead. THe problem is he speaks as if he knows who is the best person to choose and he is not saying me.

 

So now he is the enemy.

He has lumped cruel on top of dispicable. It is almost as if he saying, 'OK, you dumped me (which hurts), so I'm going to ruin your business (which hurts).'

 

WF Im really sorry but at this point, I fear your situation is going to end like Broken Ladys with you hanging on for so long to so many excuses and broken promises only to find it was for nothing.

 

This is his big chance. If he doesnt act now, I think you need to shut hte door. Let him find someone else to explore his issues with. you have emotional needs too and your first need will be to distance yourself from him so that you can move on and not be sucked in yet again.

Never going to end up hanging on like that. I'm fixed and I'm at peace. I have even shared stories like that with MM and suggested he needs to do 'whatever' on his own because making ultimatums and forcing him to leave could very well make for a wishy-washy MM. The thing about the cruise was not an ultimatum. It was just the end of my limits and my rope. That is why I am at peace about it. It was not about making a risky demand, I mean what I say and must live with the consequences of it. For me, it was over that day. Yesterday's call from him was an utter surprise, I didn't expect it. I'm not even sure at this point that it means anything.

 

I am definitely supportive but it has taken its toll on me. I have discovered that someone needs to be there for me once in a while too. I shared this with him on Wednesday, that it's been all about him lately and it needs to be a two way street.

[JustJoe]

I wonder if Neanderthal women also fell for the lies of a MM? (if they had such things). Most women in affairs with MM really have to be gullible, for believing, when there are so many examples to the contrary. JJ, I feel sorry for you, and you do deserve better, but this is the bill you pay. For your own peace of mind, try harder to find work elsewhere, anywhere that you don't have to face him. Make this your long-term plan, and focus all of your energies towards that goal, to the exclusion of anything else.

[jj33]

Thanks Joe Im trying to just ignore it. There are plenty of other people who know me and like me and if he leads some people to go elsewhere there is nothing i can do about that.

 

I have to believe that the rest of the people will remain on side and continue to use me. And I will do everything in my power not to send work to him ever again. When it is my choice (and often it isnt, if I am helping someone elses customer and they prefer to use him for that part of hte project there isnt much I can do about it) then I will have to deal with that.

 

And I didnt dump him. He dumped me again and again and again. I simply asked for NC except when communication is unavoidable.

[White Flower]

I wonder if Neanderthal women also fell for the lies of a MM? (if they had such things). Most women in affairs with MM really have to be gullible, for believing, when there are so many examples to the contrary. JJ, I feel sorry for you, and you do deserve better, but this is the bill you pay. For your own peace of mind, try harder to find work elsewhere, anywhere that you don't have to face him. Make this your long-term plan, and focus all of your energies towards that goal, to the exclusion of anything else.

 

 

 

Neanderthal women competed sexually for males who provided more. But as a history teacher you already know that.

 

Anyone who is in love has the potential to be gullible. We like to believe in the one we love. Eventually, we get what we need or we get out. It's all a learning experience, and one we would never chose to embark on unless there was something valuable in it for the individual, examples or not; because we often see bad examples as well as good ones.

[White Flower]

Thanks Joe Im trying to just ignore it. There are plenty of other people who know me and like me and if he leads some people to go elsewhere there is nothing i can do about that.

 

I have to believe that the rest of the people will remain on side and continue to use me. And I will do everything in my power not to send work to him ever again. When it is my choice (and often it isnt, if I am helping someone elses customer and they prefer to use him for that part of hte project there isnt much I can do about it) then I will have to deal with that.

 

And I didnt dump him. He dumped me again and again and again. I simply asked for NC except when communication is unavoidable.

 

JJ, I think this is all about choice, but the choice is how you want to view it and yourself in the circumstance. You are the victor, you don't have to deal with him on a daily basis anymore. Just say that to yourself everytime he is in the room and let him envy the freedom you have of being over it. Don't give him any energy to feed off of.

[jj33]

Amazingly he has already emailed me 2x today as if we were the best of friends. There was of course subtext letting me know that (at least in his mind) he still has power over me and how I am perceived in the market.

 

No I have not responded and will only respond to that portion that I must.

 

I really wish I could find him a new OW. Maybe it would divert his attention. Whoever is doing the job now is not working hard enough! (and no for those of you who dont know my story it is not his W she washed her hands of him years ago).

 

When he was with me he didnt have the time or inclination to bother other women. And I would have castrated him if he did. This new girl (if there is one) needs to be fired!

[White Flower]

Amazingly he has already emailed me 2x today as if we were the best of friends. There was of course subtext letting me know that (at least in his mind) he still has power over me and how I am perceived in the market.

 

No I have not responded and will only respond to that portion that I must.

 

I really wish I could find him a new OW. Maybe it would divert his attention. Whoever is doing the job now is not working hard enough! (and no for those of you who dont know my story it is not his W she washed her hands of him years ago).

 

When he was with me he didnt have the time or inclination to bother other women. And I would have castrated him if he did. This new girl (if there is one) needs to be fired!

Incredible that he emailed you!!

 

How about we find a single exOW here at LS? She could pretend to sign up for the job and do a number on him. Or at least distract him for a while.