Update on your situation/affair

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, need to add that I do not think you should even be his lifeline to begin with. That's what got you to this place. A place you don't want to be in.

 

Don't be his lifeline. End the A and you end most of this inequity of support.

 

Interesting that he told you that she shredded the pictures.

 

Be strong,WF. I see you have stopped taking his calls. Eventually you will get to the point where you delete messages without hearing them first. Baby steps, but important ones.

[califnan]

Um, that's why I already did what I did instead of what like you suggested.

 

But thanks, I get the sentiment.

 

---------------------------

 

And to add WF .. That the A doesn't end out of anger, frustration, hurt .. It ends because if is Best for You .. for Your survival.

[Diamante]

Hello Everyone,

 

My situation is lot like Lost Me and JAST.

 

I feel like I know a lot of you already; I am a first time poster and 3-month long lurker. I found LS as I searched online for any kind of answer into what I was going through. I am engaged and living with my wonderful SO but just ended an EA with MOM on Sunday.

 

In a nutshell, MOM and I met at a sporting event where I was a volunteer and he was head of security (Police). We chatted casually every day and just loved to talk to each other. After the event ended, we kept in touch via daily texts and after a few nights out together, we both revealed we were taken. He is M 15 years, 2 kids and I am engaged 5 years, 0 kids. Neither of us have ever had an A before, of any kind. It was a strange place for us to find ourselves in. Neither of us were looking for this, it just happened.

 

A few months later and I can't deal with it anymore. I have never had an A before, but from what I have learned on LS, I had an EA. There were few intimate moments between us, but we did not have sex. I feel horribly guilty for betraying my Fiance (F) and daydreaming about spending time with another man. I love my F and we are great together, just lacking romance and excitement after 5 years together. My MM is missing affection/sex and chemistry with his W and we found an incredibly natural romance and neither of us were expecting it.

 

I could see where the path was leading (especially after reading so many posts here. Thank you for that!) and I decided to walk away before it was too late and both of our lives were ruined. I respect his situation and role as the sole provider for his family. I knew I didn't belong in the equation. I emailed him a "dear John" and he responded by telling me he loved me and would respect my wishes and figure out his M. We never used the L word at any point before that email.

 

6 days later: I am OK, but today was a rough one. I miss him something fierce and I feel like I have lost an amazing friend. However, I recognize this is for the best me, my fiance, for him, and his family. I do not want to be the catalyst that break sup his family, and I don't want to leave my F anyway.

 

Life and the choices can be so complicated sometimes. As one poster wrote, "the best choicest are often the hardest".

 

As Aristotle so wisely said: "I count a person braver who overcomes their desires than the person who conquers their enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self."

 

Dia

[Circular]

Hello Everyone,

 

My situation is lot like Lost Me and JAST.

 

I feel like I know a lot of you already; I am a first time poster and 3-month long lurker. I found LS as I searched online for any kind of answer into what I was going through. I am engaged and living with my wonderful SO but just ended an EA with MOM on Sunday.

 

In a nutshell, MOM and I met at a sporting event where I was a volunteer and he was head of security (Police). We chatted casually every day and just loved to talk to each other. After the event ended, we kept in touch via daily texts and after a few nights out together, we both revealed we were taken. He is M 15 years, 2 kids and I am engaged 5 years, 0 kids. Neither of us have ever had an A before, of any kind. It was a strange place for us to find ourselves in. Neither of us were looking for this, it just happened.

 

A few months later and I can't deal with it anymore. I have never had an A before, but from what I have learned on LS, I had an EA. There were few intimate moments between us, but we did not have sex. I feel horribly guilty for betraying my Fiance (F) and daydreaming about spending time with another man. I love my F and we are great together, just lacking romance and excitement after 5 years together. My MM is missing affection/sex and chemistry with his W and we found an incredibly natural romance and neither of us were expecting it.

 

I could see where the path was leading (especially after reading so many posts here. Thank you for that!) and I decided to walk away before it was too late and both of our lives were ruined. I respect his situation and role as the sole provider for his family. I knew I didn't belong in the equation. I emailed him a "dear John" and he responded by telling me he loved me and would respect my wishes and figure out his M. We never used the L word at any point before that email.

 

6 days later: I am OK, but today was a rough one. I miss him something fierce and I feel like I have lost an amazing friend. However, I recognize this is for the best me, my fiance, for him, and his family. I do not want to be the catalyst that break sup his family, and I don't want to leave my F anyway.

 

Life and the choices can be so complicated sometimes. As one poster wrote, "the best choicest are often the hardest".

 

As Aristotle so wisely said: "I count a person braver who overcomes their desires than the person who conquers their enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self."

 

Dia

 

Dia, welcome to the forum. Sorry for you having to grieve your loss, regardless of what it was it still is a loss and it will take some time.

 

Life can offer some complicated situations, especially these where you wander down a path and suddenly realize you've gone farther than you should have. That's the dual edged blade of the EA you can get lulled into a false sense of everything being ok and above board and thinking 'wow ive found a great friend' only to later realize your in an EA and this person you are falling for.

 

The only thing I'd advise is you seriously look at your relationship. You say you want to be with your F and there are a lot of reasons for that but I'd say there's something missing for you to get lulled into an EA. You mention lack of romance and excitement? what type of excitement? and at 5 years? what about 10, 15, 20, 30??? I really think you need to dig deeper into this and really understand your motivations? As someone who's been through the full process I can say that my xAP had many things that were missing from my relationship that I felt were unfulfilled and it opened my eyes to that. Now I'm finding I need to change and repair a lot of things if I'm going to make my M work and its all on me now.

[2sunny]

WF - have you ever done an exercise where you two have a conversation... and during said convo - you pay attention to how much he talks about himself... then listen closely (the whole time without much from your end) to see how much he asks or talks/asks directly about you and your life, interests and daily happenings?

 

how balanced is he about what YOUR life has going on - how you are doing - what you are doing? how many conversations sway to HIS agenda?

 

is it all about him?

 

i'm just wondering...

[White Flower]

I agree that what I said appears to be a contradiction. But that's the point. The A IS the contradiction. You SHOULD NOT be there for him was my point. But you have and then make unreasonable demands on him (the cruise deal).

 

It was what you accepted when you entered the R. It is what must end. I know the thread has moved on from that point, but wanted to answer a little.

 

If you are going to withdraw, don't do it on the other side of an ultimatum ("If you go on the cruise, its over). Withdraw, period ("I need you to make a firm decision regarding your M or us. I will not be contacting you and don't expect you to contact me if your intention is to stay married.").

 

Ending it with your sanity is the best thing right now, regardless of the cruise or whatever other family obligation (that shouldn't even be your consideration) may be going on on his part.

I see, and thanks for clarifying.

 

But I respectfully disagree.

 

Yes, I knew what I was getting in to. It was an affair and it served its purpose for many years. Perfect for everyone.

 

Then one day, specifically last summer, I realized I wanted more, needed more, and gues what? People evolve and renegotiate their Rs including ARs every day. Either he accepts the new terms or he doesn't. That's where all this began. Call it a long break up, the Geneva Convention, or the beginning of a new R for us but whatever it is it is evolving. It will improve or it will end.

 

Certain events cause us to see things, show us things that we cannot live with and seeing him pretend so much for everyone became unacceptable to me. I hadn't seen it before until last summer (cruise pics, actually) and it was pretty disgusting. Who knows, maybe the whole A was disgusting but I didn't see it that way before last summer. So, with that, we either progress into a different R or end the AR.

 

And FTR, ending it last week sure helped me end some of the insanity I was feeling. For anyone considering it, I highly recommend it!

[White Flower]

Oh, need to add that I do not think you should even be his lifeline to begin with. That's what got you to this place. A place you don't want to be in.

 

Don't be his lifeline. End the A and you end most of this inequity of support.

 

Interesting that he told you that she shredded the pictures.

 

Be strong,WF. I see you have stopped taking his calls. Eventually you will get to the point where you delete messages without hearing them first. Baby steps, but important ones.

I'm only answering to defend the idea that 'marriage is a sacrament' is not shared by all. I only believe that M is sacred as long as the two MPs are in love and are mutually respectful of each other. And when you're in love, you are the lifeline to your lover, M or not. I don't feel that any kind of support should be labeled iniquitous.

 

But you are right on one thing, and that is the idea that ending the R with him ends the strain and stress that giving support to another often brings.

[Fallen Angel]

I see, and thanks for clarifying.

 

But I respectfully disagree.

 

Yes, I knew what I was getting in to. It was an affair and it served its purpose for many years. Perfect for everyone.

 

Then one day, specifically last summer, I realized I wanted more, needed more, and gues what? People evolve and renegotiate their Rs including ARs every day. Either he accepts the new terms or he doesn't. That's where all this began. Call it a long break up, the Geneva Convention, or the beginning of a new R for us but whatever it is it is evolving. It will improve or it will end.

 

Certain events cause us to see things, show us things that we cannot live with and seeing him pretend so much for everyone became unacceptable to me. I hadn't seen it before until last summer (cruise pics, actually) and it was pretty disgusting. Who knows, maybe the whole A was disgusting but I didn't see it that way before last summer. So, with that, we either progress into a different R or end the AR.

 

And FTR, ending it last week sure helped me end some of the insanity I was feeling. For anyone considering it, I highly recommend it!

 

I am glad that you evaluated your relationship and decided you need to renegotiate the terms. That, in my opinion is the best way to deal with ANY relationship.

 

I am sure I have said this until I am blue in the face, but people should evaluate their relationships regularly, and if you find it lacking, then renegotiate the terms to get what you want/need or move on. There is no point in continuing in any relationship be it friendship, dating or even marriage if you are unhappy. And any relationship worth having always has room for renegotiation. If there is no room for that, the relationship is not salvageable and should be disposed of.

 

Get what you need, or get out.

 

Good for you WF for demanding that you get what you need!

 

((WF))

[OWoman]

I am glad that you evaluated your relationship and decided you need to renegotiate the terms. That, in my opinion is the best way to deal with ANY relationship.

 

I am sure I have said this until I am blue in the face, but people should evaluate their relationships regularly, and if you find it lacking, then renegotiate the terms to get what you want/need or move on. There is no point in continuing in any relationship be it friendship, dating or even marriage if you are unhappy. And any relationship worth having always has room for renegotiation. If there is no room for that, the relationship is not salvageable and should be disposed of.

 

Get what you need, or get out.

 

Good for you WF for demanding that you get what you need!

 

((WF))

 

I agree with every word here completely!

[PlanetJanet]

fooled once, I know that I need to block him from my email.... I was psychotic in the way I was checking it daily (usually more). I was doing so well, I hadn't checked that email account in over a week and there it was. My heart stopped when I saw his name. Please do sent the update you spoke about earlier.

 

I was honestly beginning to think that I'd never hear from him again. I've worked really hard at maintaining NC for the last 6 weeks. This is the longest I've ever gone. This has been a minor set back. It hurts, but I plan on continuing to move forward.

 

I am so glad to know I am not the only one who is obsessively checking an email account! I have been about 3 months NC with the MM. Although he phrased it as a "break" but now I wonder if he was just saying that because he didn't have the cajones to just tell me he wanted NC, and wanted it forever.

 

I broke down and texted him a few times (3) but he ignored them. During our A we set up an email account for him to use because he and his BS shared the "family" email account. He saved months and months of our conversations in the account, and I admit - I have been checking his account to see if he was reading it still. He hasn't been there for 3 months. Sometimes I check it every 8-12 hours. I have gone as long as three days.

 

Oh man do I feel pathetic.

 

3 months of NC has been a mixed bag. I noticed immediately that the level of drama and angst in my life dropped. It's very quiet around here now. For weeks I was a mess, crying and rehashing the same stuff. Boring my friends to death, I am sure. Some days I am angry and bitter at him. Other times I am wistful and miss him, wonder how he could walk away from someone he claimed to "love" so much. Wonder what he is feeling and how it is going, why did he ignore my texts, etc.

 

It's a longer road than I thought it would be and I keep wondering when he is going to move to the back of my mind, and stop getting any space up front. It's amazing to me that I cannot get past this, how someone who LEFT ME still has a hold on me. It's not like I really expect him to come back, or even want him back. But there is that little part of me that wishes he would.

 

Sigh...

[Pink_orchid]

Janet, I don't know if this is helpful or not. I hope it is a little bit. I got dropped abruptly by a MM two years ago (this is NOT the married guy I got involved with that I have written about this year/recently... I know, I know, involved with two married guys, well NEVER again... but I loved them both) but back to what I was going to tell you. I got this guy cut me off dead basically and he wouldn't answer my texts and e-mails, except for one where he said 'Please don't contact me again, thank you'.

 

Up until about 9 months ago, I sent regular e-mails asking if he was ok, probably once every two months or so. I sent e-mails saying how in pain I was. I sent cheerful e-mails telling him bits of news. I sent e-mails asking why won't you reply to me?? I got nothing back, whatever I said. I couldn't believe it, I was devastated. I would say I felt everything you're feeling: Why has he done this? How has he done this? Doesn't he care what I am feeling?

 

I recently had a bit of a trip down memory lane and it brought it all back, and I was thinking about him. It made me sad and angry. I decided to e-mail him and get it all off my chest. All the pain I'd felt. I'd never really let rip. Well I did this time! Told him what I thought of him in no uncertain terms (didn't mince my words either), how much he'd hurt me and let me down and how I thought he was disgusting etc. I didn't even know if he was still using the same e-mail address or whether he would read my message. Well he did read it cos he wrote back. Which goes to show he was there all along, reading my e-mails and he didn't delete/change his e-mail account. He said he was sorry that I felt like that. He told me he hoped I understood he had to concentrate on his wife and kids, he'd had family bereavement and unexpected redundancy, and everything had gone wrong for him, and he hoped I wasn't too pissed with him. (All about HIM you notice?)

 

So what I am trying to say, is, underneath their coldness is some guilt, and some sadness. They just aren't man enough to tell you that. It's easier to shut the whole thing down and run away. And ignore what they've done to you (or try to at least). I see this man in a different light now. It's taken me two years. But all I see is a selfish, cold, coward and believe me I was besotted with him. But when someone treats you like that it kills the love and the respect you have for them in the end. It's a horrible thing to have to go through though. But I am sure he (and your man) must be going through some pain and guilt, most people would if they behaved like that surely.

 

I think you should tell your exMM exactly how he's made you feel. Get angry! I am glad I did it anyway.

[White Flower]

I am glad that you evaluated your relationship and decided you need to renegotiate the terms. That, in my opinion is the best way to deal with ANY relationship.

 

I am sure I have said this until I am blue in the face, but people should evaluate their relationships regularly, and if you find it lacking, then renegotiate the terms to get what you want/need or move on. There is no point in continuing in any relationship be it friendship, dating or even marriage if you are unhappy. And any relationship worth having always has room for renegotiation. If there is no room for that, the relationship is not salvageable and should be disposed of.

 

Get what you need, or get out.

 

Good for you WF for demanding that you get what you need!

 

((WF))

 

I agree with every word here completely!

Me too.

 

If we don't renegotiate our Rs, they often become stagnant.

[Fieldsofgold]

Well done. This "mean Mommy" thing is a big issue.

 

I used to wonder, if he was so used to living with mean Mommy for so many years (and I dont to mean Mommy no interest whatsoever), then how would he cope with being in a relatoinship without mean Mommy on a full time basis?

 

he relies on mean mommy to tell him what to do, what not to do, he gets the thrill of being a bad boy, can exercise his autonomy within limits by having As etc knowing that mean mommy is there holding down the fort.

 

Its like what they say with children, they like limits. These men who stay married to mean Mommy are the same in my book. There is something that keeps them there and I have come to believe that on a certain level the dynamic works for them.

 

I mean you wouldnt be mean, he wouldnt have to go elsewhere for affection, love support understanding. But you also wouldnt turn a blind eye to any of his nonsense.

 

I have also come to beleive that they stay because they like the freedom. The freedom of disobeying mean mommy knowing that shes always there, no matter what they do.

 

The question I had just before I gave up any hope whatsoever was, just how much therapy would it take to "undo" the years of living that dynamic and just how much therapy would it take for him to learn to deal with a relationship that didnt involve a mean mommy. It would be like teaching a ballerina how to walk again. Youd be starting from scratch.

 

The fact that they can "do" normal interaction in an affair is not the same (I dont think) as being able to do it full time. The safety net of mean mommy is then gone.

 

I do hope things work out differently for you but I am concerned that he hasnt taken the bull by the horns when the opportunity is staring him in the face.

 

Big hugs

 

jjxx

 

WOW! JJ, you are a wise woman! This may be the best explanation I have ever read, for this sort of guy. I can think of two men right off the top of my head that I had similar thoughts about, one of them being xBF/MM, but I couldn't see it this clearly. Interestingly, in xBF/MM's case, the OW is the "mean mommy," and she gets te bulk of his time and attention, as far as I could tell. I really don't think he could exist in a "normal" love relationship full-time without "mean mommy."

Edited July 5, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[jj33]

Thanks Field. It didnt hit me so clearly until a few months ago when I heard him waxing poetic about how he wanted to be able to do xyz that his "long suffering wife" (in his words) wanted him to do for her. There was a childlike pride in being able to do this thing for her after all she had put up with (not in As but another context). I sat there stunned that he would bring it up in front of me, and out of context to the situation we were in,

 

Afterwards it seemed much clearer to me Im not sure how an OW could

be the mean mommy, she is not a constant in the marriage but I will take your word for it in your situation. I think this is a very particular dynamic that seems to show itself with serial cheaters.

 

I may have the dubious honor of having dinner with them (xMM and his W) tonite and potentially another night this week. Ugh... I could not ask who else was going to be there (client dinners) because that would have been rude and called attention to the fact that I have a problem with him because if I knew in advance he would be there, I wouldnt go. Crossing my fingers and hoping that they have not been invited in either case.

 

Trying not to think about it, if they are, they are and I will have to deal with it. If they arent so much the better. In the meantime its Monday morning and time to do so work!

[Fieldsofgold]

Thanks Field. It didnt hit me so clearly until a few months ago when I heard him waxing poetic about how he wanted to be able to do xyz that his "long suffering wife" (in his words) wanted him to do for her. There was a childlike pride in being able to do this thing for her after all she had put up with (not in As but another context). I sat there stunned that he would bring it up in front of me, and out of context to the situation we were in,

 

Afterwards it seemed much clearer to me Im not sure how an OW could

be the mean mommy, she is not a constant in the marriage but I will take your word for it in your situation. I think this is a very particular dynamic that seems to show itself with serial cheaters.

 

I may have the dubious honor of having dinner with them (xMM and his W) tonite and potentially another night this week. Ugh... I could not ask who else was going to be there (client dinners) because that would have been rude and called attention to the fact that I have a problem with him because if I knew in advance he would be there, I wouldnt go. Crossing my fingers and hoping that they have not been invited in either case.

 

Trying not to think about it, if they are, they are and I will have to deal with it. If they arent so much the better. In the meantime its Monday morning and time to do so work!

 

In the case of my xBF/MM, he doesn't actually live with either woman full time - he provides houses, in separate towns, for each one, supports both, and "visits" back and forth. The W of 20 years has known about the OW for years, and has sort of accepted that this is the way it is. She really almost doesn't care what he does, as long as Her bills get paid and she has hot sex with him when she wants it. The OW of 10 years wants to be the only one, wants MM to divorce and marry her, and so she is far more jealous/possessive. But instead of D the W and marrying the OW, he actively looked for and found me. Once I found him out, it was obvious he was much more concerned about sneaking around the OW, and worried about being caught by the OW, than the W. I think the idea that he was being a "bad boy" by seeing me, made it all the more exciting for him. He also would do things occasionally to get caught by her. Like leaving text messages to me undeleted overnight. She would get up during the night and check his phone. (He knew this.) I actually think it was sexually exciting for him to be caught and scolded/punished. They had a strange, twisted relationship, and I am just thankful I found out and got out!

 

As for your dinner invitations, all I can say is I am so sorry. You have suffered waaaaay to much at this guy's whim, already. I just pray they are not guests. But you are a strong and smart woman. IF they are there, I have every confidence that you will handle it will skill and poise.

 

(Truthfully, this guy just makes me want to hurt him to the point he never wants to cross your path!)

[White Flower]

Thanks Field. It didnt hit me so clearly until a few months ago when I heard him waxing poetic about how he wanted to be able to do xyz that his "long suffering wife" (in his words) wanted him to do for her. There was a childlike pride in being able to do this thing for her after all she had put up with (not in As but another context). I sat there stunned that he would bring it up in front of me, and out of context to the situation we were in,

 

Afterwards it seemed much clearer to me Im not sure how an OW could

be the mean mommy, she is not a constant in the marriage but I will take your word for it in your situation. I think this is a very particular dynamic that seems to show itself with serial cheaters.

 

I may have the dubious honor of having dinner with them (xMM and his W) tonite and potentially another night this week. Ugh... I could not ask who else was going to be there (client dinners) because that would have been rude and called attention to the fact that I have a problem with him because if I knew in advance he would be there, I wouldnt go. Crossing my fingers and hoping that they have not been invited in either case.

 

Trying not to think about it, if they are, they are and I will have to deal with it. If they arent so much the better. In the meantime its Monday morning and time to do so work!

Agree on all counts.

 

JJ, good luck at dinner and keep your chin up!

[LostMe]

Quick update from me - i'm angry. My blood is boiling. I had a bad trigger yesterday and now I feel suffocated by it all again. And i was doing so well at burying the feelings and now they're all at the surface and i'm wanting to burst into tears every five minutes with longing and frustration.

 

I'm angry at myself for getting into this mess and i'm tired of feeling so conflicted and wanting and missing him still. And i'm angry at him for minimising it when i'm struggling so much, because I know he is too. It makes me feel so stupid and silly and delusional. And guilty. I don't want to feel like this when things are so good with my H. I feel like i'm betraying him all over again. He's worth more than a million xMMs.

 

Sorry for the rant! I'm just so shocked and cross that i still feel like this about something so pointless. I really thought i was getting to the indifference stage and now i feel totally dragged down by it again.

[JustJoe]

FA, "renegotiating", a R is only permissable if BOTH parties are in agreement that there is a necessity to do so. There is no such thing as one-sided negotiations, or if there are, then they would be pretty much universally unsuccessful. If WF wants to "renegotiate", and the MM doesn't, then the R is pretty much over, unless WF submits. Then where will her sense of self-worth be then?

[Fallen Angel]

FA, "renegotiating", a R is only permissable if BOTH parties are in agreement that there is a necessity to do so. There is no such thing as one-sided negotiations, or if there are, then they would be pretty much universally unsuccessful. If WF wants to "renegotiate", and the MM doesn't, then the R is pretty much over, unless WF submits. Then where will her sense of self-worth be then?

 

Well, that was kind of my point Joe.

 

If she is unhappy then she has to renegotiate the terms of her relationship to get what she needs to be satisfied, if not, then she needs to get out of the relationship. *shrug*

 

If her MM is unwilling to bend to give her what she needs then she needs to move on. But the first step in the right direction in any relationship that anyone is unhappy in, is to evaluate the value of the relationship as it stands and decide if it is worth keeping things at the status quo. If not, then it is time to sit down and discuss the options available to fix the relationship so both parties get what they need. If no agreement can be made that is satisfactory to both parties then the relationship is dissolved.

 

(Why is that so hard for people to understand? )

 

That is the way it should be in ANY and EVERY relationship you have in your life!

 

As to where her self worth would be; I never suggested that she "submit". I suggested that if he was not willing to reach an agreement that she is comfortable with that she should move on, at which point I would assume her self-worth would be right where it should be; Her viewing herself as a person of great value!

[Just a stone's throw]

Hello Everyone,

 

My situation is lot like Lost Me and JAST.

 

I feel like I know a lot of you already; I am a first time poster and 3-month long lurker. I found LS as I searched online for any kind of answer into what I was going through. I am engaged and living with my wonderful SO but just ended an EA with MOM on Sunday.

 

In a nutshell, MOM and I met at a sporting event where I was a volunteer and he was head of security (Police). We chatted casually every day and just loved to talk to each other. After the event ended, we kept in touch via daily texts and after a few nights out together, we both revealed we were taken. He is M 15 years, 2 kids and I am engaged 5 years, 0 kids. Neither of us have ever had an A before, of any kind. It was a strange place for us to find ourselves in. Neither of us were looking for this, it just happened.

 

A few months later and I can't deal with it anymore. I have never had an A before, but from what I have learned on LS, I had an EA. There were few intimate moments between us, but we did not have sex. I feel horribly guilty for betraying my Fiance (F) and daydreaming about spending time with another man. I love my F and we are great together, just lacking romance and excitement after 5 years together. My MM is missing affection/sex and chemistry with his W and we found an incredibly natural romance and neither of us were expecting it.

 

I could see where the path was leading (especially after reading so many posts here. Thank you for that!) and I decided to walk away before it was too late and both of our lives were ruined. I respect his situation and role as the sole provider for his family. I knew I didn't belong in the equation. I emailed him a "dear John" and he responded by telling me he loved me and would respect my wishes and figure out his M. We never used the L word at any point before that email.

 

6 days later: I am OK, but today was a rough one. I miss him something fierce and I feel like I have lost an amazing friend. However, I recognize this is for the best me, my fiance, for him, and his family. I do not want to be the catalyst that break sup his family, and I don't want to leave my F anyway.

 

Life and the choices can be so complicated sometimes. As one poster wrote, "the best choicest are often the hardest".

 

As Aristotle so wisely said: "I count a person braver who overcomes their desires than the person who conquers their enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self."

 

Dia

 

Welcome, Dia! Glad you were able to finally post! Also excellent that you were able to call it quits at an EA. I wish I had been that strong. I agree with Circular for you to really look at your F and your relationship to see what you think is missing there. I never knew what hit me with my A from the time it started it was a whirlwind and only now am piecing it back together trying to recall where I was in my M and what was happening in my life that made me think that was what I needed.

 

Good luck to you and keep posting!

 

JAST

[fooled once]

Quick update from me - i'm angry. My blood is boiling. I had a bad trigger yesterday and now I feel suffocated by it all again. And i was doing so well at burying the feelings and now they're all at the surface and i'm wanting to burst into tears every five minutes with longing and frustration.

 

I'm angry at myself for getting into this mess and i'm tired of feeling so conflicted and wanting and missing him still. And i'm angry at him for minimising it when i'm struggling so much, because I know he is too. It makes me feel so stupid and silly and delusional. And guilty. I don't want to feel like this when things are so good with my H. I feel like i'm betraying him all over again. He's worth more than a million xMMs.

 

Sorry for the rant! I'm just so shocked and cross that i still feel like this about something so pointless. I really thought i was getting to the indifference stage and now i feel totally dragged down by it again.

 

Lost ((hug)) rant away. Remember, you didn't fall in love/lust immediately, so those feelings don't just go away when you want them to.

 

And the 'worst' thing you can do is try to pretend it didn't happen, to not mourn it and to not allow yourself the sadness to grieve?

 

Worry about Lost. Don't worry about the xMM. Don't let it upset you that he is 'feeling bad/sad/lost/missing you, etc. Your focus is YOU and your marriage. Sorry, but I don't remember if your H knows about the affair?

 

You will get to the indifference stage, but you have to go through all the stages to get there (hug) You can't skip one

 

Welcome, Dia! Glad you were able to finally post! Also excellent that you were able to call it quits at an EA. I wish I had been that strong. I agree with Circular for you to really look at your F and your relationship to see what you think is missing there. I never knew what hit me with my A from the time it started it was a whirlwind and only now am piecing it back together trying to recall where I was in my M and what was happening in my life that made me think that was what I needed.

 

Good luck to you and keep posting!

 

JAST

 

Ditto JAST.

 

I am glad for you that you ended the EA and you recognize it for what it is. Shift your focus from missing the MOM to making the romance more for your fiance. When is the wedding? Can I ask why after 5 years you haven't married? Is something stopping you from taking that final step?

 

Relationships are WORK -- hard work sometimes. Affairs are easy. Many require nothing really but sneaking around and lying. The damage that is done is horrendous. Make sure your F knows how you feel - by actions and words. Keep him forefront in your mind. Many get butterflies and feel excitement when a new person is introduced, but those too can and do fade away when the every day monotony enters the picture. It is up to the committed couple to do their damn best to keep their relationship healthy and alive. Good luck and welcome!!

[LostMe]

Hello Everyone,

 

My situation is lot like Lost Me and JAST.

 

I feel like I know a lot of you already; I am a first time poster and 3-month long lurker. I found LS as I searched online for any kind of answer into what I was going through. I am engaged and living with my wonderful SO but just ended an EA with MOM on Sunday.

 

In a nutshell, MOM and I met at a sporting event where I was a volunteer and he was head of security (Police). We chatted casually every day and just loved to talk to each other. After the event ended, we kept in touch via daily texts and after a few nights out together, we both revealed we were taken. He is M 15 years, 2 kids and I am engaged 5 years, 0 kids. Neither of us have ever had an A before, of any kind. It was a strange place for us to find ourselves in. Neither of us were looking for this, it just happened.

 

A few months later and I can't deal with it anymore. I have never had an A before, but from what I have learned on LS, I had an EA. There were few intimate moments between us, but we did not have sex. I feel horribly guilty for betraying my Fiance (F) and daydreaming about spending time with another man. I love my F and we are great together, just lacking romance and excitement after 5 years together. My MM is missing affection/sex and chemistry with his W and we found an incredibly natural romance and neither of us were expecting it.

 

I could see where the path was leading (especially after reading so many posts here. Thank you for that!) and I decided to walk away before it was too late and both of our lives were ruined. I respect his situation and role as the sole provider for his family. I knew I didn't belong in the equation. I emailed him a "dear John" and he responded by telling me he loved me and would respect my wishes and figure out his M. We never used the L word at any point before that email.

 

6 days later: I am OK, but today was a rough one. I miss him something fierce and I feel like I have lost an amazing friend. However, I recognize this is for the best me, my fiance, for him, and his family. I do not want to be the catalyst that break sup his family, and I don't want to leave my F anyway.

 

Life and the choices can be so complicated sometimes. As one poster wrote, "the best choicest are often the hardest".

 

As Aristotle so wisely said: "I count a person braver who overcomes their desires than the person who conquers their enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self."

 

Dia

 

Hey Dia! I completely missed your post since I was quite busy being completely self-absorbed.

 

It's true that you've got a bit of work to do now to find what's missing with your F that you got from your xMM. One thing I've learned is that it's just as much the feelings you miss as it is the person. Sounds like you need to find a way to have those feelings with your F. It's working for me. It does get better with time. Sure, there's still the odd bad day (like yesterday when i had a jolly good rant!) but LS is here for that purpose too. All the best

[Diamante]

Thank you Circular, JAST, and Lost; I really appreciate the warm and candid feedback. Looks like I’ll be hanging out here for a while!

 

It's funny that all 3 of you mentioned the need to find what is missing in my R to get to the root of the problem. I actually thought my R was near perfect before I met xMM. I never felt like anything was really missing in my R that I hadn’t already supplemented somehow. My situation is an example of 2 unsuspecting people who found themselves enjoying each other’s company just a little too much. Funny thing is, no one would put xMM and I together as we quite different on the outside, yet very similar on the inside.

 

Over the past few months, I have thought long and hard about why I was developing feelings for another man. I have some answers now, but not all of them. Indeed, I have a lot of work to do.

 

My F and I are not yet married b/c we live together and haven’t felt the push to get to the alter right away. We both have professional careers in management and don’t plan on having kids. We are both agnostics, so religion is not a part of the equation. In our eyes, we were already M and would eventually have a piece of paper to prove it. I never really cared about a big wedding anyway, never “dreamed of my wedding”. All I wanted was a good, handsome man who adored me for who I really am. I found that, and yet I somehow, years later, here I am.

 

It’s been a week and half now and the pain is lessening. I still think about xMM a lot, but am doing my best to work on me, my F, and our R. xMM has respected my request for NC, which I know is hard for him b/c he used to text me around 15 times a day just to say hi and ask how I am. I’m glad I decided to tell him it’s over and walk away, rather than drag it out with breaks and short periods of NC. I’ve never seen much point in delaying the inevitable in life.

 

I am very grateful for LS and everyone here who has been so open about their situations, and supportive of others who are in need of an empathetic ear. I also enjoyed reading this blog: http://hubpages.com/hub/Affairs_with_Married_Men . The comments are both eye-opening and heartbreaking.

 

This forum and blog enabled me to look into the abyss and see that a PA would only make my life worse, not better. I also realized that the guilt of hurting the man who trusts me implicitly would damage my soul and his whole world, not to mention the potential pain this could inflict on xMM’s family. I have thought about his BW and kids many times, and I knew that my xMM wouldn’t be cheating if I removed myself from his life. He’s not a serial cheater, he just happened to fall for another woman. I knew he wouldn’t extract himself from the situation unless forced to. Looks like I had to be the bigger person and force what is right, even though it broke my heart to do so. It’s a different kind of pain when you are the one who is forced to walk away, even though you don’t really want to, but understand that you need to.

 

This is why I ended my EA when I realized we were both falling in love and heading quickly into a full blown PA. I hope I dodged a big bullet and escaped with just some shrapnel wounds that will eventually heal.

 

Rich blessings and love to each and every one of you!

[White Flower]

WF - have you ever done an exercise where you two have a conversation... and during said convo - you pay attention to how much he talks about himself... then listen closely (the whole time without much from your end) to see how much he asks or talks/asks directly about you and your life, interests and daily happenings?

 

how balanced is he about what YOUR life has going on - how you are doing - what you are doing? how many conversations sway to HIS agenda?

 

is it all about him?

 

i'm just wondering...

Sorry, I missed this one 2sunny.

 

MM always has a story and I could be really mean and say yes he does talk about himself a lot. But he usually notices, then brings the conversation back around to me. I'm sure he was a jerk when he was younger but he's more refined now. He remembers every word I say which is more than I can say for myself.

 

But balanced with regard to my life? I must say no. He wants to be my rock but he isn't my rock, not yet anyway. Sad, but true.

 

He leaves tomorrow on that trip I don't even want to mention and says they are going just to save face since so many people are invited. He claims he will tell her he's leaving when he gets back. It may be too late. I really don't even know if I'll pick up the phone unless he's said he's filed for D and moved out.

 

Of course I have a hard time believing him. Just this week he had time to change his political party, so did his W, but he didn't have time to go see his lawyer or to have The Talk with his daughter, etc., etc.

 

She's been pretty much in tears daily since he admitted he didn't want to go on the trip. I can't blame her.

[twinsmom]

WF, you said you would be completely through if he went on that trip. Are you still allowing him an "in" in the future? He is going on a cruise to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary, regardless of how you feel about it! Do you believe that they will not be having sex on that trip? Or worse yet, "making love"?! Believe me, I know how you must feel, but where will you draw the line? I thought the trip WAS the line! If I were you, I would not even accept him even if divorce papers are drawn. Why would you even want to do that, if he is so wimpy that he would agree to go on an anniversary cruise with his wife, when he professes to love you??! Does he want to be with you or not?? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to be with you?? It doesn't look like it. And as a former OW who would have loved nothing more than my MM to move mountains for me, I recognize that he didn't. Despite his declarations of love, he is still there, as I suspect yours will be, well, forever.. Please look out for yourself. I could never be with someone who felt so little for our relationship that he could perpetuate a sham of an anniversary trip just because he was too cowardly to do the right thing and get out. Is this the guy you really want??