Update on your situation/affair

[MorningCoffee]

So recently he has been inundating me with emails about how he has ended it with the OW, vacated her house, ended contact with the W, working on D, to win me back. Sends flowers almost daily. I have not responded. Now he has planned a romantic get-away for us to Hawaii. Really turning the B*llSh*t up.

 

I thought it would be funny to make a random generic accusation and see what his response was. So finally, I was just full of devilment and succumbed to the temptation. (Keep in mind, I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what he is actually doing, and couldn't care less) I answered his e-mail. I wrote: "I found out! How can you lie to me this way, and expect me to believe you love me!" or something to that effect.

 

Now here's the screamer - he wrote back . . . "Honestly, Darling, things are not what they appear." And then a long explanation denying whatever it is that he has been doing on the DOWN LOW - without ever saying exactly what that is -I guess in case I found him out about lie B or C instead of lie A.

 

With these guys, you can take the shotgun approach. You don't have to actually catch them. Just throw some accusations out there, and something will stick!

 

I laughed til I cried. MM are so predictable.

 

Priceless! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[2sunny]

I don't know if I agree with that; when you're in love your whole focus is on yourself and your partner. Of course it is about both of us, not just him. I wouldn't have made my decision otherwise. I also don't know about 'keep going back'. I've only stated in the past 11 months that I wanted something more than an A and I actually didn't keep my end of the deal as I was supposed to wait until October, if you remember. So ending this early WAS all about me and my needs. He is dumbfounded.

 

As for a new man I could write about that, but I won't. It won't serve any purpose.

 

how could it be about the TWO of you WF? HE is married! it is ACTUALLY about the three of you! this is where you get tripped up every time... be honest with yourself... he isn't an available man. never has been - YET!

 

the ONLY decision you can make is about YOU! you and YOU only! remember that. he makes decisions for HIMSELF. this is where things get twisted for you... you are waiting for the decisions for HIM to make... that will affect YOUR life.

 

stop waiting. MAKE decisions for YOUR happy days ahead. he's looking out for HIS best interest - it's time for YOU to look out for YOUR best interest.

 

YOUR life is dependent upon what YOU are or aren't willing to put up with. expect more for YOURSELF! you will get it if you let it be very well known that half and effort is the same as none.

[TinaniT]

Both divorces are final!

 

Still playing the waiting game on meeting the kids.

I get all the updates on them and pictures and all and I think I'm going to have a heart attack by the time comes... They are older than my little boy and I'm not so sure a little chocolate and toys will suffice to make them like me and start a relationship between us. And they've had enough anyways, with the divorce and their mom's immediate engagement, I think. My DM thought maybe that would be reasonable to push up our schedule since he wants to marry me right away, but I'm more inclined to believe that it's more reason to push it off a bit. Kids are adjustable, but they can't be expected to take everything at once.

 

My ex has, as expected, not been good on giving any financial support. He has proven expert on canceling visitation he has because my son cries. Maybe that says something? Ugh. I'd just as soon he disappear off the face of the planet at this point. It would be easier on my son than this I think... and would save my constant worry that he might decide (not so far, don't get me wrong) that child abuse is just as okay as what he did to me.

[Fieldsofgold]

Priceless! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

All the fun of busting a MM, without the bother of actually catching him

[Fieldsofgold]

Thanks FoG, and know that there won't be a next time, it WOULD be just too painful.

 

Yes, cats are (and other fine critters:D) are the most wonderful pets. They're so much smarter than we give them credit for.

 

Wow! You sure called MM on it! He must think you have eyes in the back of your head! Love it. I wonder if there is any way this man can prove anything to you at this point. Probably not.

 

Hugs.

 

When he dated me for months, under the pretense of being divorced - to me that is just such a total disrespect toward me. I thought about this; if I was in his shoes - If I were married and dated someone without them knowing, and if I fell in love with them, I would be worried sick about how hurt they would be when they learned the truth. I would be worried sick how they would react toward me. I would be worried sick that they would never want to see me again. I would just be worried sick about the whole situation. This *dickwad* never appeared to have a care in the world - he would often be just giddy "in love." No, if it ever crossed his mind to be concerned about how I would feel when I learned the truth, he never showed an inkling. To me, that demonstrated a total disrespect for me and disregard for my feelings too big to ever move past. But that's not all.

 

He knew I was totally, morally opposed to dating a married person. He knew I have high moral standards of conduct. He was not at all concerned about deviously causing me to violate my own personal standards. Again, HUGE disrespect, and lack of concern for my feelings when these things would come to light !

 

He knew I am a leader in my church and in my community. I took this guy home to meet my family; he was at church with me every service and help me with every program. He was seen all over town with me. (W, OW and I all live in different but nearby towns.) He did not care that he might humiliate me in front of my friends and family when the truth came out. I have lived a straight-up life, and I value the good name I have earned. People trust me with their money, and with their children. He had no concern about damage to my reputation or public image.

 

And when caught and confronted, he just kept lying. Tried to deny everything to the bitter end, even when he was soooo busted, until he knew all three women knew. Then he "shifted" his lies to "it is only you I love." How could I ever believe someone like that? Just a total violation of trust.

 

So no, I don't see any way he could ever redeem himself with me. I think he is fundamentally incapable of being honest, or having genuine empathy for anyone else. He never thinks he does anything wrong. He never sees anything as his fault. He always has a "justification." You just can't have a loving, trusting relationship with someone like that.

 

Oh, and did I mention that I lost all respect for this guy?

Edited July 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Diamante]

Wow! For what it is worth, I am very proud of you. It takes a big person, a very strong person, to do what you did. I wish you great happiness with your F, joy and peace in your life.

 

Thank you for much for that Fields, I appreciate the support in knowing I have done the right thing.

 

Today was rough, Fridays seem to be the trend b/c we often spent our Fridays together and blow off work and go for picnics or long lunches (very uncommon for executives like us, which made it all the more fun and "daring"). Today I felt the pain stinging at random moments throughout the day. I miss him and it pangs me sometimes. However, now, at the end of the day with my F at home and happy, I am so glad I made this choice. It was REALLY hard today, it's hard most days, but I am sticking to my decision because I know it's best for everyone involved. It's only been 2 weeks of NC, so, my future without drama, lies, and BS looks so bright that I gotta wear shades

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my crazy story

 

PS - Your MM story made me laugh out loud in my office today. I am SO glad to hear you are WAY smarter than that idiot. I also applaud and respect your principles; I too have integrity and strong moral values. All the best to you and thanks for your insightful posts!

[White Flower]

how could it be about the TWO of you WF? HE is married! it is ACTUALLY about the three of you! this is where you get tripped up every time... be honest with yourself... he isn't an available man. never has been - YET!

 

the ONLY decision you can make is about YOU! you and YOU only! remember that. he makes decisions for HIMSELF. this is where things get twisted for you... you are waiting for the decisions for HIM to make... that will affect YOUR life.

 

stop waiting. MAKE decisions for YOUR happy days ahead. he's looking out for HIS best interest - it's time for YOU to look out for YOUR best interest.

 

YOUR life is dependent upon what YOU are or aren't willing to put up with. expect more for YOURSELF! you will get it if you let it be very well known that half and effort is the same as none.

It appears that you wrote this post after the fact even though I know you didn't. All advice was taken prior to the post and that is why I am here today in NC and doing pretty well. I thought I'd be a wreck but I'm not. This decision was made by ME for ME because he was obviously making decisions that suited himself that didn't concern me.

 

As for the part about IT being about the two of us; I was speaking about love, not the triangle. Ever so slightly off the subject. While I am aware of triangles, I was not referring to them.

 

My vacation was nice and I was very entertained. Wish I could post pics:cool:

[Fieldsofgold]

It appears that you wrote this post after the fact even though I know you didn't. All advice was taken prior to the post and that is why I am here today in NC and doing pretty well. I thought I'd be a wreck but I'm not. This decision was made by ME for ME because he was obviously making decisions that suited himself that didn't concern me.

 

As for the part about IT being about the two of us; I was speaking about love, not the triangle. Ever so slightly off the subject. While I am aware of triangles, I was not referring to them.

 

My vacation was nice and I was very entertained. Wish I could post pics:cool:

 

Glad to see your post. I was just wondering about you earlier today. And I'm really glad you're doing pretty well!

[White Flower]

Glad to see your post. I was just wondering about you earlier today. And I'm really glad you're doing pretty well!

Thanks FoG!

 

Isn't it amazing that we can become intertwined in the lives of others anonymously? I think of you often too, and in fact I'm always impressed at how strong you sound.

[seren]

Hi Whiteflower, was wondering how you were doing. Hope all is well in your world and you make a decision that makes you happy, whatever that may be. I send a virtual bunch of gladiolis (such loud shrieking flowers) to brighten your day.

[Diamante]

Hey Whiteflower,

 

I am happy to hear that you are maintaining NC and the decision was made for YOU! Now you can finally start to heal and move on and cut the unnecessary bullsh*t and drama out of your life.

 

For me, NC and no delusions of a future are essential to heal. It's been 3 weeks of NC and I am finally starting to feel happy and relaxed again. The pain is almost gone. I still miss him a lot, think about him frequently, but it's lessening each day. Some days are really tough, but I recognize that I have to grieve the loss as a part of the healing process. I am comforted daily by the fact that it was MY decision and confident in the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. It sounds like you are doing what is right for you also; it can be the most empowering feeling in the world!

 

All the best to you in this journey. Remember, if you want to contact him, force yourself to wait 24hrs and then decide if it was really necessary. Rinse and repeat

[White Flower]

Hi Whiteflower, was wondering how you were doing. Hope all is well in your world and you make a decision that makes you happy, whatever that may be. I send a virtual bunch of gladiolis (such loud shrieking flowers) to brighten your day.

Seren, thank you. Glads happen to be one of my faves! In fact, there is a rather large empty vase sitting on my dining table...I think I will fill it with beautiful, perhaps white, gladiolas today.

 

Even more helpful, especially from you seren, is your regular posting of how wonderful your H is to you ever since D-day. I keep imagining that to be my MM with his BW and it really makes me sick (for me, not for you:)). It helps with the NC. I think you should keep posting in this manner because, speaking for myself, I think it helps with us OW who are affected by it. It reminds me of the nasty duplicity that I would allow to continue if I stayed in the R with him.

[White Flower]

Hey Whiteflower,

 

I am happy to hear that you are maintaining NC and the decision was made for YOU! Now you can finally start to heal and move on and cut the unnecessary bullsh*t and drama out of your life.

 

For me, NC and no delusions of a future are essential to heal. It's been 3 weeks of NC and I am finally starting to feel happy and relaxed again. The pain is almost gone. I still miss him a lot, think about him frequently, but it's lessening each day. Some days are really tough, but I recognize that I have to grieve the loss as a part of the healing process. I am comforted daily by the fact that it was MY decision and confident in the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. It sounds like you are doing what is right for you also; it can be the most empowering feeling in the world!

 

All the best to you in this journey. Remember, if you want to contact him, force yourself to wait 24hrs and then decide if it was really necessary. Rinse and repeat

Thank you Diamante. Holding back the calls are no problem, but will definitely practice the rinse and repeat:cool:.

[seren]

Seren, thank you. Glads happen to be one of my faves! In fact, there is a rather large empty vase sitting on my dining table...I think I will fill it with beautiful, perhaps white, gladiolas today.

 

Even more helpful, especially from you seren, is your regular posting of how wonderful your H is to you ever since D-day. I keep imagining that to be my MM with his BW and it really makes me sick (for me, not for you:)). It helps with the NC. I think you should keep posting in this manner because, speaking for myself, I think it helps with us OW who are affected by it. It reminds me of the nasty duplicity that I would allow to continue if I stayed in the R with him.

 

Thank you WF, and yes H is, has been not so much wonderful since D Day, but back to the man I always knew and thought him to be. His A was during a crappy time in our lives, my brush with cancer and him back from a hellish time in Iraq. Doesn't excuse what he has done, but sort of explains it and his changed personality. I just feel for the OW, who fell in love with him, not realising that the man she knew wasn't necessarily the person he was, or wanted to be.

 

I also know that if I had thought for one moment that the only reason he had the A was for sex, then his a*** would be dust. had he fallen in love, then I would have left as I couldn't share him with anyone else. I see his remorse and wish, with all my heart, that he would now stop beating himself up and just learn to forgive himself, but he hasn't yet. I don't think that OW intentionally set out to hurt me, in fact she has said, I never meant to hurt anyone. I don't think most OP really consider the BS and if they do, many choose to believe that we are only in it for the money, the house, don't have sex etc etc, and I understand why this is done and why it is believed.

 

In a weird way, our marriage is stronger, not because of, but despite the A. All mariages and all affairs are different, based on different things. I just know that they hurt everyone involved in some way. Reconciling is a dammed hard journey and the A will always hurt, but it sure doesn't define our marriage or relationship. I am just so glad we chose to work at it and yes H is still my lovely, lovely man, even had we divorced I would continue to wish him happiness. I just wish the OW peace and happiness in her life too. But I know lots of marriages where R doesn't work and where the A consumes them and becomes the main thing. Life is too dammed short to compromise or to settle for anything less than we would want for ourselves, I include anyone staying in an unhappy marriage, or to be waiting in the wings in an A.

[BB07]

Beautiful post Seren!

 

I'm glad things are going well for you and hubby.

[jj33]

I just need to vent about my situation such as it is. something tricky has come up in business (cant explain more on public forum) which directly impacts him and its an issue I have to push or I could get into hot water. I know I will have to be in contact with him over the course of the next few days unless his company does what I want them to do without any resistance.

 

For whatever reason, probably because this would be much easier to deal with if he and I were still close, or even on normal speaking terms , I have missed him terribly weekend. Not him as he is now (Im convinced hes been replaced by a pod) but the old him that he was when we were together.

 

Im sure its just that it would make this all easy. I no longer have the same ability to guide him to the right answer.

 

Very frustrating and all his fault because he no longer appreciates that I am always right... What I need to have happen is helpful to him as well although he hasnt grasped that concept yet.

 

I just hate missing him. I know there is nothing to miss. The man I knew no longer exists, hes like a turtle who has gone back into his shell. I keep telling myself that and hope tomorrow the missing business is behind me again.

[White Flower]

I just need to vent about my situation such as it is. something tricky has come up in business (cant explain more on public forum) which directly impacts him and its an issue I have to push or I could get into hot water. I know I will have to be in contact with him over the course of the next few days unless his company does what I want them to do without any resistance.

 

For whatever reason, probably because this would be much easier to deal with if he and I were still close, or even on normal speaking terms , I have missed him terribly weekend. Not him as he is now (Im convinced hes been replaced by a pod) but the old him that he was when we were together.

 

Im sure its just that it would make this all easy. I no longer have the same ability to guide him to the right answer.

 

Very frustrating and all his fault because he no longer appreciates that I am always right... What I need to have happen is helpful to him as well although he hasnt grasped that concept yet.

 

I just hate missing him. I know there is nothing to miss. The man I knew no longer exists, hes like a turtle who has gone back into his shell. I keep telling myself that and hope tomorrow the missing business is behind me again.

I'm sorry you miss the man he was. I totally understand.

 

(((jj33)))

[jj33]

Thanks WF. Hope you are doing OK too.

[BB07]

I'm sorry JJ.........sending hugs and strength to you.

 

Remember......he is NOT who you thought he was.

 

You will get through this.

 

Hugs.........

[fooled once]

When he dated me for months, under the pretense of being divorced - to me that is just such a total disrespect toward me. I thought about this; if I was in his shoes - If I were married and dated someone without them knowing, and if I fell in love with them, I would be worried sick about how hurt they would be when they learned the truth. I would be worried sick how they would react toward me. I would be worried sick that they would never want to see me again. I would just be worried sick about the whole situation. This *dickwad* never appeared to have a care in the world - he would often be just giddy "in love." No, if it ever crossed his mind to be concerned about how I would feel when I learned the truth, he never showed an inkling. To me, that demonstrated a total disrespect for me and disregard for my feelings too big to ever move past. But that's not all.

 

He knew I was totally, morally opposed to dating a married person. He knew I have high moral standards of conduct. He was not at all concerned about deviously causing me to violate my own personal standards. Again, HUGE disrespect, and lack of concern for my feelings when these things would come to light !

 

He knew I am a leader in my church and in my community. I took this guy home to meet my family; he was at church with me every service and help me with every program. He was seen all over town with me. (W, OW and I all live in different but nearby towns.) He did not care that he might humiliate me in front of my friends and family when the truth came out. I have lived a straight-up life, and I value the good name I have earned. People trust me with their money, and with their children. He had no concern about damage to my reputation or public image.

 

And when caught and confronted, he just kept lying. Tried to deny everything to the bitter end, even when he was soooo busted, until he knew all three women knew. Then he "shifted" his lies to "it is only you I love." How could I ever believe someone like that? Just a total violation of trust.

 

So no, I don't see any way he could ever redeem himself with me. I think he is fundamentally incapable of being honest, or having genuine empathy for anyone else. He never thinks he does anything wrong. He never sees anything as his fault. He always has a "justification." You just can't have a loving, trusting relationship with someone like that.

 

Oh, and did I mention that I lost all respect for this guy?

 

Excellent post! FoG, you are such a huge inspiration I think to so many women in your morals, views on respect and the support and advice you give. I think you are pretty dang terrific

 

It appears that you wrote this post after the fact even though I know you didn't. All advice was taken prior to the post and that is why I am here today in NC and doing pretty well. I thought I'd be a wreck but I'm not. This decision was made by ME for ME because he was obviously making decisions that suited himself that didn't concern me.

 

As for the part about IT being about the two of us; I was speaking about love, not the triangle. Ever so slightly off the subject. While I am aware of triangles, I was not referring to them.

 

My vacation was nice and I was very entertained. Wish I could post pics:cool:

 

WF, so glad you had a nice vacation and I know you have the strength and power to resist him when he starts calling. ((hug))

[Mombot]

Actually, things are going pretty all right. I was suffering through the lie (separated, not divorced was a surprise), thinking of contacting the BS, and have decided I will see him when I feel like it and keep all doors open. He will not be my primary thought- I will. I am stronger than I thought I was having agreat deal of fun in life until I let all this get to me- and now I will enjoy life again.

[Case O'Bier]

Affair is over... we are officially engaged. Both x's are either engaged or involved. Kids seem to be very happy, parents are happy, relatives are happy. Been a few challenges but it seems its best for everyone.

[White Flower]

Affair is over... we are officially engaged. Both x's are either engaged or involved. Kids seem to be very happy' date=' parents are happy, relatives are happy. Been a few challenges but it seems its best for everyone.[/quote']Are you the OP or the MP? How long was your A? How long after A started did you put the plan in motion?

 

Congrats, btw.

[Case O'Bier]

I was the MM/OM and fiance is MW/OW. 3.5 years in the affair. We started making plans about six months before we got caught. We took a few months to get our bearings and things have been great since. Not perfect, but better than we ever could have hoped for.

 

thanks!!

[2sunny]

I'm sorry you miss the man he was. I totally understand.

 

(((jj33)))

 

i'm sorry that he's not the man you THOUGHT he COULD be. that is more realistic.

 

hugs to all you gals who were fooled by these manless/heartless greedy men.