Update on your situation/affair

[Just a stone's throw]

It's funny that all 3 of you mentioned the need to find what is missing in my R to get to the root of the problem. I actually thought my R was near perfect before I met xMM. I never felt like anything was really missing in my R that I hadn’t already supplemented somehow. My situation is an example of 2 unsuspecting people who found themselves enjoying each other’s company just a little too much. Funny thing is, no one would put xMM and I together as we quite different on the outside, yet very similar on the inside.

 

Over the past few months, I have thought long and hard about why I was developing feelings for another man. I have some answers now, but not all of them. Indeed, I have a lot of work to do.

 

My F and I are not yet married b/c we live together and haven’t felt the push to get to the alter right away. We both have professional careers in management and don’t plan on having kids. We are both agnostics, so religion is not a part of the equation. In our eyes, we were already M and would eventually have a piece of paper to prove it. I never really cared about a big wedding anyway, never “dreamed of my wedding”. All I wanted was a good, handsome man who adored me for who I really am. I found that, and yet I somehow, years later, here I am.

 

 

DIA, sounds like you're moving to a much healthier place though the happier part will lag behind. Just exploring the "what's missing" part with you as I do that myself. I too felt I had the near perfect marriage with my H and have only come up with small snippits of things that even when all lumped together made me realize well "that's no reason to cheat".

 

So I've looked at myself to see what it is about my personality and have chatted with others to see what they thought caused them to want something more than "nearly perfect".

 

Sure there is excitement and for me the physical part was great, but you were not to that point yet and so there was something before the physical part for you that pulled you in.

 

What I've discovered about myself is that I very much need validation from outside sources. And exMM is someone who stepped beyond a boundary (that i btw let him) and gave me a great deal of validation, appreciation and made me feel really good about myself physically at a time when (?MLC?) I was not necessarily feeling it from my H. Not that my H wouldn't have done all that but I never told him I was lacking it, just expected him to realize it. This is in no way meant to say what I did was okay, it wasn't and I know it. But I don't consider myself a loser or a bad person. I was just wayward and let my thoughts and feelings overstep a boundary and go where they shouldn't have.

 

I think a number of us have also discovered that we have pretty strong ego's too when it comes to the A (whether EA or PA) and letting go. You made the decision to end it and go NC. Kudos to you because that is very hard and something I for one had difficulty doing. You seem to have your exAP's best interest at heart as well as that of your future relationship with your H.

 

Again, good luck to you in healing yourself and your relationship with your fiance.

 

JAST

[White Flower]

WF, you said you would be completely through if he went on that trip. Are you still allowing him an "in" in the future? He is going on a cruise to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary, regardless of how you feel about it! Do you believe that they will not be having sex on that trip? Or worse yet, "making love"?! Believe me, I know how you must feel, but where will you draw the line? I thought the trip WAS the line! If I were you, I would not even accept him even if divorce papers are drawn. Why would you even want to do that, if he is so wimpy that he would agree to go on an anniversary cruise with his wife, when he professes to love you??! Does he want to be with you or not?? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to be with you?? It doesn't look like it. And as a former OW who would have loved nothing more than my MM to move mountains for me, I recognize that he didn't. Despite his declarations of love, he is still there, as I suspect yours will be, well, forever.. Please look out for yourself. I could never be with someone who felt so little for our relationship that he could perpetuate a sham of an anniversary trip just because he was too cowardly to do the right thing and get out. Is this the guy you really want??

Twinsmom,

 

Everything you typed is everything I have felt. No, I do not want a coward nor do I want someone who would perpetuate this kind of madness.

 

He knows I am disgusted by the whole thing, he sees what it has done to me...and to us.

 

If it were me, I would have cancelled the whole thing and came up with an excuse to my family and friends and yes, I would have taken a loss on the tickets. He and his W will not be happy on this trip and will not be 'celebrating', I know this for a fact; they are going to save face because nobody could get their money back if they cancelled. Still, it is sad and degrading for the 'anniversary couple'.

 

They decided to have dinner that night elsewhere and not with the group because they want to avoid questions as to why they are not renewing their vows. As for them having sex, who the hell knows. One last go...or sealing the deal on a forever plan...at this point, I don't even care.

 

I could get in to all the 'things that I know' but I won't. Bottom line is IF he leaves her I would consider taking him back, but I will need hard core evidence at that point. The cruise pushed me over the edge. The world is not round after all.

 

On a lighter note, I go on my own vacation tomorrow. I vow to have a good time and forget all about him. Swimming pool and cabana here I come!

[2sunny]

even if he returned and SAID he has filed for D - i wouldn't believe him or interact with him until it's FINAL.

 

this is a man that doesn't DO what he says. or says nothing and does what he wants. makes him unbelievable, at best.

 

i doubt his wife knows anything and they will have a happy time. life is full of pretending... that is his life... as he knows it - yet he continues to save face - at his expense of happiness - according to him. even he doesn't know where the truth lies.

[jj33]

Well said Sunny. Indeed he continues to "save face" at WF's expense.

 

Sweetie the cost is too high.

 

He hasnt told his W yet. He will tell her and then he will need to do other things that go along with telling her, it could be this time next year before he files and even then, who knows if he will ever really go through with it.

 

Hes a very very confused man.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[JustJoe]

I've known about WF'S situation from her past posts and other sources, and can only add to those other posters and PAST FRIENDS, who tell her to run don't walk to the nearest exit. She may not like to hear it, but unless all of this drama and anxiety satifies some unspoken need in her, she is being very weak and dependent.

[White Flower]

Not weak and dependent, not by any means. It took a lot of guts to tell him goodbye and stand by it. He knows what I've done, and I know what I've done.

 

2sunny you're right. No talks unless I see evidence, as I stated earlier.

 

Now I need support, please no name calling as it just won't help.

[JustJoe]

But WF, you keep going back. If you were strong, your posts wouldn't be all about him, they would be about you and a new man/ new situation. How many times do you go through this, with it's associated mental issues, before you REALLY put an end to it, unless you are somehow getting something from this? Whatever it is that you are receiving, is it worth what you're paying? And for what? The remote possibility that you and him will be together, in the future? And frankly , he doesn't seem to be much of a man, anyways.

[complicatedlife]

Not weak and dependent, not by any means. It took a lot of guts to tell him goodbye and stand by it. He knows what I've done, and I know what I've done.

 

2sunny you're right. No talks unless I see evidence, as I stated earlier.

 

Now I need support, please no name calling as it just won't help.

-

I hate seeing (or in this case, reading!) someone in pain.

 

Hiya, WF, long time!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this; I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care about. I hope he sees a therapist - sounds like it could help him. Maybe.

 

Keep your head up, go on your vacation, and do your absolute best to have a great time.

 

CL

[White Dove]

Not weak and dependent, not by any means. It took a lot of guts to tell him goodbye and stand by it. He knows what I've done, and I know what I've done.

 

2sunny you're right. No talks unless I see evidence, as I stated earlier.

 

Now I need support, please no name calling as it just won't help.

 

It's best to live your life right now -- as fully as you can and not to contact him UNTIL he has his D papers in hand. Like 2sunny said -- let it be final and only then, talk to him.

 

Have you done something for yourself lately? To keep your mind off things? I believe that would definitely help and you do deserve a lot of time alone or surround yourself with good, positive people.

 

It isn't easy to let someone go so easily, it will take sometime for you to digest it so I do not blame you for talking about him -- for now. Slowly, you will talk less about him because you are, after all, in no contact with him, am I right?

[2sure]

Crap WF. The writing is on the wall. I dont know you but...or do I? I only know what I have read in all of your heartfelt, sincere, and intelligent posts. I only know what you have written to be your innermost thoughts.

Yet, like everyone else here I am a stranger. What you write has of course, your own perception and slant on what you see and feel.

 

Still, why is that I know, for sure, that you are better than this, deserve more than this...and you don't? Either way, I care about you and want to support you in wherever this particular lesson takes you.

[White Flower]

But WF, you keep going back. If you were strong, your posts wouldn't be all about him, they would be about you and a new man/ new situation. How many times do you go through this, with it's associated mental issues, before you REALLY put an end to it, unless you are somehow getting something from this? Whatever it is that you are receiving, is it worth what you're paying? And for what? The remote possibility that you and him will be together, in the future? And frankly , he doesn't seem to be much of a man, anyways.

I don't know if I agree with that; when you're in love your whole focus is on yourself and your partner. Of course it is about both of us, not just him. I wouldn't have made my decision otherwise. I also don't know about 'keep going back'. I've only stated in the past 11 months that I wanted something more than an A and I actually didn't keep my end of the deal as I was supposed to wait until October, if you remember. So ending this early WAS all about me and my needs. He is dumbfounded.

 

As for a new man I could write about that, but I won't. It won't serve any purpose.

[White Flower]

-

I hate seeing (or in this case, reading!) someone in pain.

 

Hiya, WF, long time!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this; I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care about. I hope he sees a therapist - sounds like it could help him. Maybe.

 

Keep your head up, go on your vacation, and do your absolute best to have a great time.

 

CL

My goodness, it has been a long time! How are you?

 

He is seeing and IC and he claims he is getting closer to telling his W he wants a D. IF he does so immediately after the cruise I will still need hard evidence. I just can't back out now. You have no idea how tired I am of all of this.

 

I WILL definitely take a much needed break and who knows, maybe I will have a great time also.

 

OK, I have to post this. My cat intuitively knows when I'm down or stressed. He always comes into my room or office and gets in my way, literally forcing himself in front of me and MAKES me pet him. I guess it is his way of loving me when I need it. Isn't he wonderful? He he, he just put his paws up on my magazine rack to get close to me but usually he just steps all over my keyboard. Only when I upset though. Smart kitty.

[White Flower]

It's best to live your life right now -- as fully as you can and not to contact him UNTIL he has his D papers in hand. Like 2sunny said -- let it be final and only then, talk to him.

 

Have you done something for yourself lately? To keep your mind off things? I believe that would definitely help and you do deserve a lot of time alone or surround yourself with good, positive people.

 

It isn't easy to let someone go so easily, it will take sometime for you to digest it so I do not blame you for talking about him -- for now. Slowly, you will talk less about him because you are, after all, in no contact with him, am I right?

Yes, NC. I don't want to hear from him unless he proves himself.

[White Flower]

Crap WF. The writing is on the wall. I dont know you but...or do I? I only know what I have read in all of your heartfelt, sincere, and intelligent posts. I only know what you have written to be your innermost thoughts.

Yet, like everyone else here I am a stranger. What you write has of course, your own perception and slant on what you see and feel.

 

Still, why is that I know, for sure, that you are better than this, deserve more than this...and you don't? Either way, I care about you and want to support you in wherever this particular lesson takes you.

Your posts are always intelligent as well 2sure. It is particularly interesting that you notice perception and slants in people's posts rather than take each word as literally as it is written. I can appreciate that.

 

I do know I'm better than this. That is why I told him the cruise was too much for me. I'm done.

 

Thank you 2sure. I hope life has gotten better for you.

[JustJoe]

IDK, WF. I can only go by what you say in your posts, but I mentioned your situation to a MUTUAL friend, and he said that you two had several chats about you dumping the MM , well over a year ago. Hey, If I didn't like you so much, I wouldn't be concerned, would I? You deserve better than this guy, and you know it.

[Fieldsofgold]

Thank you Circular, JAST, and Lost; I really appreciate the warm and candid feedback. Looks like I’ll be hanging out here for a while!

 

It's funny that all 3 of you mentioned the need to find what is missing in my R to get to the root of the problem. I actually thought my R was near perfect before I met xMM. I never felt like anything was really missing in my R that I hadn’t already supplemented somehow. My situation is an example of 2 unsuspecting people who found themselves enjoying each other’s company just a little too much. Funny thing is, no one would put xMM and I together as we quite different on the outside, yet very similar on the inside.

 

Over the past few months, I have thought long and hard about why I was developing feelings for another man. I have some answers now, but not all of them. Indeed, I have a lot of work to do.

 

My F and I are not yet married b/c we live together and haven’t felt the push to get to the alter right away. We both have professional careers in management and don’t plan on having kids. We are both agnostics, so religion is not a part of the equation. In our eyes, we were already M and would eventually have a piece of paper to prove it. I never really cared about a big wedding anyway, never “dreamed of my wedding”. All I wanted was a good, handsome man who adored me for who I really am. I found that, and yet I somehow, years later, here I am.

 

It’s been a week and half now and the pain is lessening. I still think about xMM a lot, but am doing my best to work on me, my F, and our R. xMM has respected my request for NC, which I know is hard for him b/c he used to text me around 15 times a day just to say hi and ask how I am. I’m glad I decided to tell him it’s over and walk away, rather than drag it out with breaks and short periods of NC. I’ve never seen much point in delaying the inevitable in life.

 

I am very grateful for LS and everyone here who has been so open about their situations, and supportive of others who are in need of an empathetic ear. I also enjoyed reading this blog: http://hubpages.com/hub/Affairs_with_Married_Men . The comments are both eye-opening and heartbreaking.

 

This forum and blog enabled me to look into the abyss and see that a PA would only make my life worse, not better. I also realized that the guilt of hurting the man who trusts me implicitly would damage my soul and his whole world, not to mention the potential pain this could inflict on xMM’s family. I have thought about his BW and kids many times, and I knew that my xMM wouldn’t be cheating if I removed myself from his life. He’s not a serial cheater, he just happened to fall for another woman. I knew he wouldn’t extract himself from the situation unless forced to. Looks like I had to be the bigger person and force what is right, even though it broke my heart to do so. It’s a different kind of pain when you are the one who is forced to walk away, even though you don’t really want to, but understand that you need to.

 

This is why I ended my EA when I realized we were both falling in love and heading quickly into a full blown PA. I hope I dodged a big bullet and escaped with just some shrapnel wounds that will eventually heal.

 

Rich blessings and love to each and every one of you!

 

Wow! For what it is worth, I am very proud of you. It takes a big person, a very strong person, to do what you did. I wish you great happiness with your F, joy and peace in your life.

[Fieldsofgold]

My goodness, it has been a long time! How are you?

 

He is seeing and IC and he claims he is getting closer to telling his W he wants a D. IF he does so immediately after the cruise I will still need hard evidence. I just can't back out now. You have no idea how tired I am of all of this.

 

I WILL definitely take a much needed break and who knows, maybe I will have a great time also.

 

OK, I have to post this. My cat intuitively knows when I'm down or stressed. He always comes into my room or office and gets in my way, literally forcing himself in front of me and MAKES me pet him. I guess it is his way of loving me when I need it. Isn't he wonderful? He he, he just put his paws up on my magazine rack to get close to me but usually he just steps all over my keyboard. Only when I upset though. Smart kitty.

 

I really see nothing wrong with you writing about your relationship over and over. I think when there is a situation we can't understand, such as this one surely is, we take it out and look at it over and over, we examine it from every angle and facet, trying to make some sense out of it. Hopefully, others can help you examine it, bit by bit. Gradually, eventually, we begin to understand little bits of it, and/or we begin to accept little bits of it, make peace with little bits of it, until we are finally able to lay it to rest. Abused or traumatized children do this. They will role-play the trauma over and over in dozens of different ways and scenarios, until they don't need to any more. It is just part of the human healing process.

 

I do agree with others, though. I'd want to see a FINALIZED divorce paper at this point. I'd hate to see you get sucked back in - the pain would be so much worse next time.

 

I am glad you have your cat. Animals are incredible sometimes in their ability and willingness to help us heal. Angels in fur and feathers.

[Fieldsofgold]

I have to give an update on my "situation." Background: I dated a man who said he was divorced. He fell madly in love with me. I was the "woman he'd always hopes he'd meet." ad nauseum. Found out he had a W and OW. Living part-time with both. Dumped his sorry azz. Came here, attained enlightenment.

 

Ever since, he has pursued me full-force. I will not talk to him on the phone or accept texts from him. He does e-mail me constantly "I love you" etc etc. I never answer, but I do sometimes read them. It just reinforces what a "dickwad" he is. (word of the day, re: BBo7's "story" post) It does give me insight into the mind-workings of these people. And occasionally he does update me on mutual interests.

 

So recently he has been inundating me with emails about how he has ended it with the OW, vacated her house, ended contact with the W, working on D, to win me back. Sends flowers almost daily. I have not responded. Now he has planned a romantic get-away for us to Hawaii. Really turning the B*llSh*t up.

 

I thought it would be funny to make a random generic accusation and see what his response was. So finally, I was just full of devilment and succumbed to the temptation. (Keep in mind, I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what he is actually doing, and couldn't care less) I answered his e-mail. I wrote: "I found out! How can you lie to me this way, and expect me to believe you love me!" or something to that effect.

 

Now here's the screamer - he wrote back . . . "Honestly, Darling, things are not what they appear." And then a long explanation denying whatever it is that he has been doing on the DOWN LOW - without ever saying exactly what that is -I guess in case I found him out about lie B or C instead of lie A.

 

With these guys, you can take the shotgun approach. You don't have to actually catch them. Just throw some accusations out there, and something will stick!

 

I laughed til I cried. MM are so predictable.

Edited July 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Silly_Girl]

OMG FoG!!! I just cackled out loud in my office - and today is a bad work day - THAT'S how funny I found that.

 

It's not right, on you etc etc. But I am glad you can see it with humour and what a total scumball. Still laughing. Sorry!!

[Fieldsofgold]

OMG FoG!!! I just cackled out loud in my office - and today is a bad work day - THAT'S how funny I found that.

 

It's not right, on you etc etc. But I am glad you can see it with humour and what a total scumball. Still laughing. Sorry!!

 

No, No! Don't apologize! I'm glad I could brighten your day! I still have a good laugh every time I think about it, too!

[White Dove]

No, No! Don't apologize! I'm glad I could brighten your day! I still have a good laugh every time I think about it, too!

 

Oh that was a good one!

 

As for me, one week to go until I get to my man and start our new life together! Very excited but nervous as well

[Fieldsofgold]

Oh that was a good one!

 

As for me, one week to go until I get to my man and start our new life together! Very excited but nervous as well

 

Best of luck to you!

[White Flower]

IDK, WF. I can only go by what you say in your posts, but I mentioned your situation to a MUTUAL friend, and he said that you two had several chats about you dumping the MM , well over a year ago. Hey, If I didn't like you so much, I wouldn't be concerned, would I? You deserve better than this guy, and you know it.

That particular dumping, lol, led to The Plan which is taking place now, or was, until I decided I couldn't wait until October. It served its purpose really, looking back on it. Who knows if it will ever come to full fruition now but it did get us on 'a plan'.

 

Thanks for caring. Tell our mutual friend hello.

[White Dove]

Best of luck to you!

 

Thank you

[White Flower]

I really see nothing wrong with you writing about your relationship over and over. I think when there is a situation we can't understand, such as this one surely is, we take it out and look at it over and over, we examine it from every angle and facet, trying to make some sense out of it. Hopefully, others can help you examine it, bit by bit. Gradually, eventually, we begin to understand little bits of it, and/or we begin to accept little bits of it, make peace with little bits of it, until we are finally able to lay it to rest. Abused or traumatized children do this. They will role-play the trauma over and over in dozens of different ways and scenarios, until they don't need to any more. It is just part of the human healing process.

 

I do agree with others, though. I'd want to see a FINALIZED divorce paper at this point. I'd hate to see you get sucked back in - the pain would be so much worse next time.

 

I am glad you have your cat. Animals are incredible sometimes in their ability and willingness to help us heal. Angels in fur and feathers.

Thanks FoG, and know that there won't be a next time, it WOULD be just too painful.

 

Yes, cats are (and other fine critters:D) are the most wonderful pets. They're so much smarter than we give them credit for.

 

Wow! You sure called MM on it! He must think you have eyes in the back of your head! Love it. I wonder if there is any way this man can prove anything to you at this point. Probably not.

 

Hugs.