Update on your situation/affair

[fooled once]

Not sure I can wait the Oct 1 deadline. Think I'm gonna bail very soon.

 

Shoot, I just took the bait, didn't I?

 

yes you did

 

So, spill.....

 

Why did you decide to allow him back in? Why do you think you can't wait until October 1. What will you do if October 1 looks the same as May 1?

[Lizzie60]

I'm still currently seeing all my MMs... It's been so long with them all.. I feel like we're old couples..

 

I see them on a regular basis.. it's awesome..

[MizzBlue72]

Well, I am still in A with STBDMM.

I have been divorced for almost 1.5 yrs now.

 

We've almost been seeing each other for 2 yrs.

 

He is older than me. He is not sure what he wants. I wonder sometimes - whether to keep it together or just go. He says he loves me, wants a committed relationship but not a commitment.

 

So - for today - that means I am in a committed relationship which he can bail out of anytime. hmm.

 

Today's not such a good day .....

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, I am still in A with STBDMM.

I have been divorced for almost 1.5 yrs now.

 

We've almost been seeing each other for 2 yrs.

 

He is older than me. He is not sure what he wants. I wonder sometimes - whether to keep it together or just go. He says he loves me, wants a committed relationship but not a commitment.

 

So - for today - that means I am in a committed relationship which he can bail out of anytime. hmm.

 

Today's not such a good day .....

 

MizzBlue,

 

I know that I don't fall on the seemingly OW side anymore.

 

Honestly, don't put too much worry on him. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

If you are going to have a successful R with him, do it based on it's merits. On what you want and need. Don't place too much on what he says and does. Make it about YOU. If he wants to be part of your life, believe me, he will find a way. Don't make it too easy on him. You deserve the world and he should feel that way too.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

[Just a stone's throw]

Been too much of a coward to post as I know this will generate a good deal of anger in some but not posting seems dishonest to the one group of people I have tried my best to be honest with.

 

Married 20+ years, had FWB with MM affair lasting 1 1/2 years, ended by his request March 1. Have worked on my M a great deal but without revealing my A to my H and our R is going quite well for both of our standards and we are doing a lot together making the most of our time together.

 

However..... cake eater that I am, exMM has reentered the picture. Mostly just emails but with intent that if there were an opportunity, we both would take advantage of it. Neither of us are wanting to end the marriages (he has kids, I do not). We are not looking for love from each other. Luckily, there have been no opportunities nor do I see any in the future and have told him that I will not take chances like I had before.

 

I am on the fence. I love my husband dearly. I love that we have reconnected and have strengthened our relationship and know that this will whittle away at it bit by bit. It's that ego thing that says that I can handle it but.....

 

Oh, I also have a major professional connection with him which will not likely end any time soon. So that keeps us in each other's world a bit.

 

I am not posting this to get ridiculed for my actions but in response to the OPs request for updates. There are many others out there who may be in a similar situation and are not posting because they too are ashamed of their situation and afraid to update b/c some on LS have become the judge and jury and it's unfortunate as I would like to be able to get support from other's on my situation and give support where others may need it too but I don't feel safe.

 

Not sure this is what you were hoping for OP.

 

JAST

[silverplanets]

Been too much of a coward to post as I know this will generate a good deal of anger in some but not posting seems dishonest to the one group of people I have tried my best to be honest with.

 

Married 20+ years, had FWB with MM affair lasting 1 1/2 years, ended by his request March 1. Have worked on my M a great deal but without revealing my A to my H and our R is going quite well for both of our standards and we are doing a lot together making the most of our time together.

 

However..... cake eater that I am, exMM has reentered the picture. Mostly just emails but with intent that if there were an opportunity, we both would take advantage of it. Neither of us are wanting to end the marriages (he has kids, I do not). We are not looking for love from each other. Luckily, there have been no opportunities nor do I see any in the future and have told him that I will not take chances like I had before.

 

I am on the fence. I love my husband dearly. I love that we have reconnected and have strengthened our relationship and know that this will whittle away at it bit by bit. It's that ego thing that says that I can handle it but.....

 

Oh, I also have a major professional connection with him which will not likely end any time soon. So that keeps us in each other's world a bit.

 

I am not posting this to get ridiculed for my actions but in response to the OPs request for updates. There are many others out there who may be in a similar situation and are not posting because they too are ashamed of their situation and afraid to update b/c some on LS have become the judge and jury and it's unfortunate as I would like to be able to get support from other's on my situation and give support where others may need it too but I don't feel safe.

 

Not sure this is what you were hoping for OP.

 

JAST

 

I hope you don't get ridiculed ... you're posting the honest situation .. and I admire that.

[Heather1]

FO, the LC is not really affecting me & I don't know why. Would I dive back in if he wanted? On my conditions only, otherwise no. My conditions being we both stay married & enjoy each other for as long as it lasts & he needs to treat me like he truly cares about me. This drop kick after sex version is too much for me. I'm full speed ahead with the A & he pulls the guilt card. Luckily he knows I'll leave on a dime. He has yet to prove he can handle sex, so I'm really not to worried about it. Based on his past behaviour, if we had sex again it would be over for good (maybe that's my answer?). As long as LC isn't hurting me, I'm ok with it. My mindset right now is this is his loss.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I guess my friend has become a serial OW. She's back with her ex-H, even though they both cheated on each other during the M. She's also seeing two other married men. She's still drinking and miserable with her life.

 

Trying to be a friend to her is a task- to say the least. It may finally be time for me to find a new friend...

Edited June 17, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[MizFit]

I guess my friend has become a serial OW. She's back with her ex-H, even though they both cheated on each other during the M. She's also seeing two other married men. She's still drinking and miserable with her life.

 

Trying to be a friend to her is a task- to say the least. It may finally be time for me to find a new friend...

 

That's so sad...it is so difficult to be a friend to someone who is constantly on self destruct mode. I'd hate for her to lose you because she will need you, but I'd hate you to end up hating her and not be there when she finally does admit she needs you.

[MizFit]

We've had 3 Ddays...he is clear he has no intention of ending things. I keep telling him that at some point she will either say goodbye or be so close to doing so that he'll have to decide to do things the right way. So, in that vein, I still date others and live my life quite happily. There's a lot of feeling and a lot of love, but it's built on sand. One day soon one of us will end it for what could be any of a string of reasons.

 

Having said that...I wouldn't give up a second with him right now. When it ends I want no regrets.

[Ellin]

 

I am not posting this to get ridiculed for my actions but in response to the OPs request for updates. There are many others out there who may be in a similar situation and are not posting because they too are ashamed of their situation and afraid to update b/c some on LS have become the judge and jury and it's unfortunate as I would like to be able to get support from other's on my situation and give support where others may need it too but I don't feel safe.

 

Not sure this is what you were hoping for OP.

 

JAST

 

I think you're right on the spot. You get more hassle than support on this forum if you are finding yourself in a certain situation. Not only some believe that for some reason they have right to judge others and tell them what to do, but also there are those, who, because of their past experiences that haven't been dealt with properly, cannot stand others being in an A, especially when things seem to be going well..

 

Like I said before, some attitudes do more damage than good for people seeking support.

 

But don't take it personally, just believe in your own judgement. Best of luck!

[Fallen Angel]

JAST,

 

Take the time to really evaluate what it is you are getting from your affair that you are not getting in your marriage. Whatever that is, you need to focus on fixing it..because the end result may be that you end up losing them both if you go on like this.

 

I think that you do love your husband, I think there is more to it than simply you being a "cake eater". have you been to MC? IC? perhaps now is the time to start? before it is too late again...

 

((HUGS))

[LostMe]

Hi guys, I too haven't posted because I have been having 'bad thoughts' about xMM. (JAST this is getting spooky ) and I've stayed off here because I can't really explain it...

 

We've been in LC for a while but it's getting more frequent, more flirtatious etc. He popped by my office as he does a couple of weeks ago. We went for a coffee, got on like old times, held hands. I know. I think it scared the both of us as we've now gone back to being distant and polite. I know we should be NC but I am wanting what we had again. I wont act on it though.

 

The worse thing is that things between my H and I are better than ever. I know I couldn't do it to him now. I am happy with him and my M and I really feel like I am moving on and not missing xMM so much anymore. But it doesn't stop me wanting him and I don't really understand any if it. I feel like I'm two different people.

[fooled once]

I think you're right on the spot. You get more hassle than support on this forum if you are finding yourself in a certain situation. Not only some believe that for some reason they have right to judge others and tell them what to do, but also there are those, who, because of their past experiences that haven't been dealt with properly, cannot stand others being in an A, especially when things seem to be going well..

 

Like I said before, some attitudes do more damage than good for people seeking support.

 

But don't take it personally, just believe in your own judgement. Best of luck!

 

Hmm...... so you are judging others, which is what you are complaining about others doing..... why is it okay for you to do, but not others?

 

Some of us are more vocal than others, some of us are more experienced than others, some of us are more mature than others, some of us are more content to be in an A than others, some are more inclined to believe more than others, etc.....

 

Instead of coming on and getting on your soapbox about the lack of support you feel everyone should be providing, why not just skip the post?

 

I didn't start this post to take a shot at anyone and I resent the implication of that. I was actually curious about a couple people but have been told before that singling out one person for a thread is against the rules, which is why I started THIS thread.

[fooled once]

Been too much of a coward to post as I know this will generate a good deal of anger in some but not posting seems dishonest to the one group of people I have tried my best to be honest with.

 

Married 20+ years, had FWB with MM affair lasting 1 1/2 years, ended by his request March 1. Have worked on my M a great deal but without revealing my A to my H and our R is going quite well for both of our standards and we are doing a lot together making the most of our time together.

 

However..... cake eater that I am, exMM has reentered the picture. Mostly just emails but with intent that if there were an opportunity, we both would take advantage of it. Neither of us are wanting to end the marriages (he has kids, I do not). We are not looking for love from each other. Luckily, there have been no opportunities nor do I see any in the future and have told him that I will not take chances like I had before.

 

I am on the fence. I love my husband dearly. I love that we have reconnected and have strengthened our relationship and know that this will whittle away at it bit by bit. It's that ego thing that says that I can handle it but.....

 

Oh, I also have a major professional connection with him which will not likely end any time soon. So that keeps us in each other's world a bit.

 

I am not posting this to get ridiculed for my actions but in response to the OPs request for updates. There are many others out there who may be in a similar situation and are not posting because they too are ashamed of their situation and afraid to update b/c some on LS have become the judge and jury and it's unfortunate as I would like to be able to get support from other's on my situation and give support where others may need it too but I don't feel safe.

 

Not sure this is what you were hoping for OP.

 

JAST

 

JAST, I wasn't intending for anyone who was uncomfortable posting about their situation to post. If you felt you would get ridiculed, then there was no requirement to post.

 

And you, like the other poster, are also judging others, which is exactly what you claim you had an issue with. What is so hard about ignoring a thread if you feel you are going to be uncomfortable about responses or ridiculed???

 

I think you feel very guilty for being in touch with the MM behind your H's back, especially after both of you working hard to reconcile.

 

I am not going to cheer you on and say "Yeah - you are headed right back to where you were!!!" and congratulate you on possibly destroying your marriage, destroying your H or destroying yourself.

 

You say you aren't looking for love from him, so why are you back in touch with him?

 

You say you aren't looking to start up again, but yet you claim if you had the chance, you would.

 

You say you love your H, but how can you when you are back in an EA with the MM?

 

You say it is an ego thing..what do you mean by that?

 

I am just curious as to why you are back in touch and if given the opportunity RIGHT NOW to have sex with him again, would you? Be honest -- I have no plans to ridicule you, I am just asking. If you don't want to answer, that's cool!

 

What are you hoping for? To be FWB? To just flirt and know that you still turn him on? What happens if your H finds out? What is not fullfilled in your marriage that makes you go backwards to the MM?

[DadofTwoGirls]

The ego thing is a big role in affairs, especially the PA which I ended a little over a year ago, it was nothing more than sex and the excitement that someone liked it and wanted it all the time, other than that, no emotion on my end other than the extreme guilt I had for my family:o, when she said those 3 bad words, that was it.

[fooled once]

Hi guys, I too haven't posted because I have been having 'bad thoughts' about xMM. (JAST this is getting spooky ) and I've stayed off here because I can't really explain it...

 

We've been in LC for a while but it's getting more frequent, more flirtatious etc. He popped by my office as he does a couple of weeks ago. We went for a coffee, got on like old times, held hands. I know. I think it scared the both of us as we've now gone back to being distant and polite. I know we should be NC but I am wanting what we had again. I wont act on it though.

 

The worse thing is that things between my H and I are better than ever. I know I couldn't do it to him now. I am happy with him and my M and I really feel like I am moving on and not missing xMM so much anymore. But it doesn't stop me wanting him and I don't really understand any if it. I feel like I'm two different people.

 

 

Lost, aren't you already doing it to him because you met with the MM and held hands? You are already invested emotionally, and you are on the brink of becoming physical. What are you going to do to ensure it doesn't get physical?

[DadofTwoGirls]

They will do it:bunny:

[LostMe]

Lost, aren't you already doing it to him because you met with the MM and held hands? You are already invested emotionally, and you are on the brink of becoming physical. What are you going to do to ensure it doesn't get physical?

 

He won't want it to get physical so it's not an option. I dont know what I'd do if it was...nothing we ever did was premeditated. I would hope it would be the catalyst for us to go NC but I don't believe it even as I type it. We don't discuss 'us' anymore.

[LostMe]

Woah! By 'it' being a catalyst I mean any type of discussion about it getting physical. Not 'it' as in the beast with two backs

[Just a stone's throw]

Well, well, well, now I've opened the can-o-worms haven't I?

 

First off, FO - I posted on this thread not so much for your benefit but I felt pretty certain that there have been others lurking about, just like me, who have "slipped back" into unhealthy, "bad girl" ways and haven't been saying anything about it because honestly? What do you say? There aren't threads where you just throw that sort of thing in.

 

If you did, that would entirely Super-Jack a thread. (but I guess in a way, I kind of did that.... didn't mean to so very sorry).

 

I did want to be honest about where I'm at. I am struggling with the whole return of our mini-FWB, NSA thing. I, like Lost Me (yes LM, our situations continue to amaze me at their parallel paths) have hesitated to post and I could probably name more that I suspect are on the fence as well or have fallen back. It's the nature of the A game.

 

Honestly, to both FA and FO I can't find anything that is missing from my M that makes me want to do this and I don't know what it is about MM that has this weird hold on me that keeps drawing me back. Maybe it is what DOTG said, I need someone to find me irresistible? IDK? I don't know that I should do more introspection here since this isn't my thread.

 

This was a big step for me to post that this is my sitch. I am very worried, like I never was before that we'll be found out. We had a free-pass the first time and I keep looking to the what could be and what I could lose if we went through with this. IDK. I have to get my big girl panties out like JThorne will say and stop it before it starts.

 

I didn't mean to stir the pot so much as I did tonight. I'll post my thoughts on that on the other thread where more appropritate.

[jthorne]

Since I was mentioned...

JAST, I will not condemn you. As you can read from my story, I went back more than once.

I will, though, ask you to remember the pain and struggle you went through when the first round ended. The second and third times aren't easier, they are harder. Ask yourself what your endgame is. What's your exit strategy? Why do you think this time will be different?

 

Sometimes it's hard to think with your head, but it's usually best in the long run.

[JustJoe]

Actually, I think tha many of these posts are very insightful and would fit on my "Affair fog". thread. Now that I look back on it, there was never a time where I didn't know what I was doing and why.

[Just a stone's throw]

Thanks, JT. I truly don't expect ANYONE to agree with my actions, condone them or pat me on the back for them. My intention with what I originally stated in this thread was that I've seen so many newbies be run off with their tails between their legs after being crushed out of the gate.

 

I posted on Infidelity my first time and I received a great deal of responses on both sides of the debate. I took all comers. I processed everything and somethings that I thought would never come to fruition have. Naive, yes. For sure. But I was a big girl and what i learned there I can say helped to strengthen my marriage today.

 

I still explore this site because I think it is still helping me (not to get my work done sometimes) and again, I need to hear opinions on both sides I just would just prefer, if possible that it's done with the same type of demeanor that you and others have put forth thus far.

 

My end game. Once and done? I expect that's his..... I've proven I can't end it and he can so I continue to look to him to make that decision. Yuk.....

 

JAST

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks, JT. I truly don't expect ANYONE to agree with my actions, condone them or pat me on the back for them. My intention with what I originally stated in this thread was that I've seen so many newbies be run off with their tails between their legs after being crushed out of the gate.

 

I posted on Infidelity my first time and I received a great deal of responses on both sides of the debate. I took all comers. I processed everything and somethings that I thought would never come to fruition have. Naive, yes. For sure. But I was a big girl and what i learned there I can say helped to strengthen my marriage today.

 

I still explore this site because I think it is still helping me (not to get my work done sometimes) and again, I need to hear opinions on both sides I just would just prefer, if possible that it's done with the same type of demeanor that you and others have put forth thus far.

 

My end game. Once and done? I expect that's his..... I've proven I can't end it and he can so I continue to look to him to make that decision. Yuk.....

 

JAST

 

jast,

 

If I thought that being in this affair was at all healthy for you, I would be supportive of you finding your happiness in it!

 

But i see your hurt and confusion and even fear in your posts. You seem lost. Wandering. Looking for something and you don't have any clue what that something is, so even when you find it you will just keep looking.

 

I don't want to see you wandering aimlessly in the dark my friend.

 

I would suggest you tell your MOM that you are very conflicted, and ask him to give you a month of NC during which I would suggest you get into IC to figure out what it is that you need.

 

I feel that you will find it is not anything that the MOM has to offer you, but something inside of yourself that you must gift to yourself. (Yes, I said gift, not give... because when you figure it out, and can fill that viod, it will be the greatest gift ever!)

 

((hugs to you my lost friend, may you find yourself sooner rather than later.))