Update on your situation/affair

[fooled once]

He won't want it to get physical so it's not an option. I dont know what I'd do if it was...nothing we ever did was premeditated. I would hope it would be the catalyst for us to go NC but I don't believe it even as I type it. We don't discuss 'us' anymore.

 

Help me out Lost -- and in case anyone is wondering or getting ready to accuse me -- I am honestly trying to HELP, not condemn or stone anyone

 

you said "HE" won't want it to get physical. I don't care about him, I am more concerned about you. Why are you even seeing him if this is a dead end because you want your marriage? So do you want to get 'caught' so that someone will make you stay away from him? I am not following you...

 

Well, well, well, now I've opened the can-o-worms haven't I?

 

First off, FO - I posted on this thread not so much for your benefit but I felt pretty certain that there have been others lurking about, just like me, who have "slipped back" into unhealthy, "bad girl" ways and haven't been saying anything about it because honestly? What do you say? There aren't threads where you just throw that sort of thing in.

 

If you did, that would entirely Super-Jack a thread. (but I guess in a way, I kind of did that.... didn't mean to so very sorry).

 

I did want to be honest about where I'm at. I am struggling with the whole return of our mini-FWB, NSA thing. I, like Lost Me (yes LM, our situations continue to amaze me at their parallel paths) have hesitated to post and I could probably name more that I suspect are on the fence as well or have fallen back. It's the nature of the A game.

 

Honestly, to both FA and FO I can't find anything that is missing from my M that makes me want to do this and I don't know what it is about MM that has this weird hold on me that keeps drawing me back. Maybe it is what DOTG said, I need someone to find me irresistible? IDK? I don't know that I should do more introspection here since this isn't my thread.

 

This was a big step for me to post that this is my sitch. I am very worried, like I never was before that we'll be found out. We had a free-pass the first time and I keep looking to the what could be and what I could lose if we went through with this. IDK. I have to get my big girl panties out like JThorne will say and stop it before it starts.

 

I didn't mean to stir the pot so much as I did tonight. I'll post my thoughts on that on the other thread where more appropritate.

 

JAST, THIS is exactly what I wanted this thread FOR - for people to discus their situations without t/j someone else's thread. I want you to - if you want - open up about what is going on, how you are feeling, etc.

 

So...if you want...introspect more If you had to choose RIGHT NOW which person you wanted - who would it be and why?

[lilagirl]

My update is that my MM decided this week that he would like to end his M. He told W, and has been focusing on making the transistion smooth for all involved. Regardless of how MM feels about me, it has been a tough decision for him.

 

THere has been no official Dday, although a few rumblings, so we have obviously decided to stay in hiding for a long time, with a slow transition to real life.

 

Even though he has expressed a great deal of conviction for his decision, I am a little hestitant and somewhat untrusting right now... this is all so fresh, and I want to ensure that he has his space to work through the million emotions that one goes through during a time like this.... I guess I am just not doing the OW happy dance just yet...

[White Flower]

My update is that my MM decided this week that he would like to end his M. He told W, and has been focusing on making the transistion smooth for all involved. Regardless of how MM feels about me, it has been a tough decision for him.

 

THere has been no official Dday, although a few rumblings, so we have obviously decided to stay in hiding for a long time, with a slow transition to real life.

 

Even though he has expressed a great deal of conviction for his decision, I am a little hestitant and somewhat untrusting right now... this is all so fresh, and I want to ensure that he has his space to work through the million emotions that one goes through during a time like this.... I guess I am just not doing the OW happy dance just yet...

That is because you are a cautious woman who's done a lot of research at LS and perhaps elsewhere. You know the score, the possible waffling, etc., so you're prepared and good for you. You know it could go either way and you're not wanting to toot your horn until the ink is dry and he's moved in.

 

I'd be the same way I'm sure.

[JustJoe]

5 days until MW'S D is final....... I really don't know what I think of that:confused:

[White Flower]

5 days until MW'S D is final....... I really don't know what I think of that:confused:

Aren't you happy? Isn't this what you wanted?

[JustJoe]

I never believed it would come.

[White Flower]

I never believed it would come.

And now that it has, is it still what you want?

 

I ask because I've seen this reaction from OM before. I think OW tend to be much more ecstatic at this point than OM do generally. Would you agree?

[Conservative Lass]

My update is that I am still in contact with the MM. Just text stuff. I had the opportunity to see him, but did not.

[JustJoe]

....Nope.... I don't agree....I AM happy, but with change, especially changes that are un-expected, there is a certain unreal quality. I never expected to get through the War(s), and so made few plans . When I was wounded, I didn't expect to survive, and so made peace with dying. I never expected her to turn out so fine, and be the woman I always wanted her to be, so my plans for us are very rudimentary. I'm gonna have to get my ass moving.

[White Flower]

....Nope.... I don't agree....I AM happy, but with change, especially changes that are un-expected, there is a certain unreal quality. I never expected to get through the War(s), and so made few plans . When I was wounded, I didn't expect to survive, and so made peace with dying. I never expected her to turn out so fine, and be the woman I always wanted her to be, so my plans for us are very rudimentary. I'm gonna have to get my ass moving.

Well at any rate I am happy for you. I'm glad it's not a case of cold feet.

[JustJoe]

Cold feet....warm heart.

[LostMe]

Help me out Lost -- and in case anyone is wondering or getting ready to accuse me -- I am honestly trying to HELP, not condemn or stone anyone

 

you said "HE" won't want it to get physical. I don't care about him, I am more concerned about you. Why are you even seeing him if this is a dead end because you want your marriage? So do you want to get 'caught' so that someone will make you stay away from him? I am not following you...

 

No worries FO, I know you're trying to help. I didn't have a choice to see him or not, he just turned up. We don't make plans as there is no 'we'. Nothing has really changed about our situation except we are more comfortable with each other and I am wanting him again. In a strange way I think it's because I am healing and feeling stronger and happier that I think I can handle it. But I know I really can't. First time round was just a physical thing, we're both emotionally invested now.

 

Like JAST's fella he ended it and I trust that he won't let it go there again so I don't have to be faced with any decisions. I don't trust myself. This is where I'm at.

[jennie-jennie]

I have decided I am not moving closer to my MM for the next four years. I have seen what separating teenagers in love can do , and both my teenage daughters have wonderful long term boyfriends.

 

So this takes the pressure off my MM when it comes to making a choice between me and his wife. He can keep us both for the next four years as far as I am concerned. Not saying that this is the ultimate choice for his wife though.

 

I do hope he uses this time wisely. Therapy is what I am hoping for.

[OWoman]

I have decided I am not moving closer to my MM for the next four years.

 

But what if he decides to move closer to you?

[jennie-jennie]

But what if he decides to move closer to you?

 

He can't because of his children. Mine are older, so I am going to get "freedom of mobility" earlier.

[OWoman]

He can't because of his children. Mine are older, so I am going to get "freedom of mobility" earlier.

 

Ah - moving the entire family would be out of the question for him, I'm assuming?

 

I was in a similar situation. We both have kids, and we were both constrained by their educational / social / other needs in what options were available to us. As mine were older, I was the one who was first able to make the move (and my career was more "portable", in many respects) which is why we are here, for now.

 

Knowing you can't move for the next 4 years gives you some perspective, and some freedoms. Your R can develop at its own pace, in its own way, without the pressure to make moves on either of you. It also means that, if you do decide to be together full-time at that point, you will know each other really well and have a good basis for moving forward together, because of the intimacy you will have built up over that time. Enjoy it

[jennie-jennie]

Ah - moving the entire family would be out of the question for him, I'm assuming?

 

I was in a similar situation. We both have kids, and we were both constrained by their educational / social / other needs in what options were available to us. As mine were older, I was the one who was first able to make the move (and my career was more "portable", in many respects) which is why we are here, for now.

 

Knowing you can't move for the next 4 years gives you some perspective, and some freedoms. Your R can develop at its own pace, in its own way, without the pressure to make moves on either of you. It also means that, if you do decide to be together full-time at that point, you will know each other really well and have a good basis for moving forward together, because of the intimacy you will have built up over that time. Enjoy it

 

Thank you, OWoman, that is just how I look at it. The power of hearing someone else say what you already are thinking really adds to it. Someone looking from the outside, not emotionally involved, and still thinking the same way. It makes me more confident that I am looking at things in a realistic way.

[fooled once]

Help me out Lost -- and in case anyone is wondering or getting ready to accuse me -- I am honestly trying to HELP, not condemn or stone anyone

 

you said "HE" won't want it to get physical. I don't care about him, I am more concerned about you. Why are you even seeing him if this is a dead end because you want your marriage? So do you want to get 'caught' so that someone will make you stay away from him? I am not following you...

 

No worries FO, I know you're trying to help. I didn't have a choice to see him or not, he just turned up. We don't make plans as there is no 'we'. Nothing has really changed about our situation except we are more comfortable with each other and I am wanting him again. In a strange way I think it's because I am healing and feeling stronger and happier that I think I can handle it. But I know I really can't. First time round was just a physical thing, we're both emotionally invested now.

 

Like JAST's fella he ended it and I trust that he won't let it go there again so I don't have to be faced with any decisions. I don't trust myself. This is where I'm at.

 

 

See, the bolded is what worries me for you. I just want you to be prepared should the MM decide to throw caution to the wind and want to start up again. Because you are wanting him again, I fear you won't be able to handle it and fall back into it.

 

And after working hard to reconcile your M, I fear this will hurt you and set you back even more. ((hug))

[Heather1]

I'm in the same situation as Lost & JAST. FO, I think you miss-understand that everyone wants & needs to get out of their A's. Speaking for myself, he wanted out, not me. I'm struggling more w/ the rejection than anything else. Oh, and this quote ..... I don't understand how someone pursues you, spends time w/ you, finally seduces you & turns it into sex & totally cold. Granted, when I think of OM I think mostly about him naked. Still, I like him & that's my struggle. I'm no victim & my eyes are wide open. Well, really open after reading this quote! I don't want him to ever think this about me! I don't want to be a free hooker, & that's why I stopped. A mutual arrangement? maybe.

 

The ego thing is a big role in affairs, especially the PA which I ended a little over a year ago, it was nothing more than sex and the excitement that someone liked it and wanted it all the time, other than that, no emotion on my end other than the extreme guilt I had for my family:o, when she said those 3 bad words, that was it.

[LostMe]

 

 

See, the bolded is what worries me for you. I just want you to be prepared should the MM decide to throw caution to the wind and want to start up again. Because you are wanting him again, I fear you won't be able to handle it and fall back into it.

 

And after working hard to reconcile your M, I fear this will hurt you and set you back even more. ((hug))

 

Thanks FO, it's what worries me too but I am quite confident that he will not let it go there. Whatever i feel, it takes the decision out of my hands and i am relieved about that. I really am less broken about it all and i'm learning to live quite happily without him so i'm hoping this longing will pass too.

[Just a stone's throw]

Lost me - I thought that would be the case too in my sych but don't be surprised if he surprises you and you do then have to make a decision which way to go. Deep down they're confused by their feelings too and they do change it up on you (it's called being horny). I even brought up to MOM what about that box on the shelf where all his feelings for me went?? He laughed and said well it may have gone on the shelf but never was forgotten. Is it so bad if he falls off the wagon every once in awhile, if I'm okay with it?

 

JAST

 

 

Thanks FO, it's what worries me too but I am quite confident that he will not let it go there. Whatever i feel, it takes the decision out of my hands and i am relieved about that. I really am less broken about it all and i'm learning to live quite happily without him so i'm hoping this longing will pass too.

[JustJoe]

Why don't you posters do what I'm doing? My STBexMW and I are starting a real, live, relationship, that might possibly lead to marriage. The sex is just as hot (hotter) than during the A, and she has matured wonderfully, as a person, so affairs don't always end badly. How many of you , who are obsessing about your MM/OM"s, are still married? And how many Husband's know about your continued obsession?

[LostMe]

Lost me - I thought that would be the case too in my sych but don't be surprised if he surprises you and you do then have to make a decision which way to go. Deep down they're confused by their feelings too and they do change it up on you (it's called being horny). I even brought up to MOM what about that box on the shelf where all his feelings for me went?? He laughed and said well it may have gone on the shelf but never was forgotten. Is it so bad if he falls off the wagon every once in awhile, if I'm okay with it?

 

JAST

 

I dunno JAST. In my sitch I see it all fading away without anyone acting on it. Which is obviously brilliant but I can't say that I don't want him to surprise me. I just know he has more resolve than that. It would take an opportunity to arise for anything to happen and after the whole hand-holding thing I don't see one happening anytime soon.

 

What do you see/want to happen with you two? Will it always go round in circles do you think?

[LostMe]

PS JustJoe, I am really happy for you after all you've been through. Your story is very touching.

[Just a stone's throw]

IDK. Couple weeks ago we had a major opportunity and didn't take it (my decision). I don't see any in the near or distant future as I'm out of town a lot. I think it will fizzle out to nothing if I'm lucky. I keep trying to focus on my H. Not sure I can do the NC that FA suggested. We have business and social reasons to be in LC.

 

I did honestly think too he would never put himself back in this situation, he's very strong willed so that's why I'm saying, don't necessarily go by that. The more aloof and distant I become, the more he seems to want to be with me. So it's kind of backfiring.

 

JAST

 

Lost me - I thought that would be the case too in my sych but don't be surprised if he surprises you and you do then have to make a decision which way to go. Deep down they're confused by their feelings too and they do change it up on you (it's called being horny). I even brought up to MOM what about that box on the shelf where all his feelings for me went?? He laughed and said well it may have gone on the shelf but never was forgotten. Is it so bad if he falls off the wagon every once in awhile, if I'm okay with it?

 

JAST

 

I dunno JAST. In my sitch I see it all fading away without anyone acting on it. Which is obviously brilliant but I can't say that I don't want him to surprise me. I just know he has more resolve than that. It would take an opportunity to arise for anything to happen and after the whole hand-holding thing I don't see one happening anytime soon.

 

What do you see/want to happen with you two? Will it always go round in circles do you think?