Update on your situation/affair

[ladydesigner]

Why don't you posters do what I'm doing? My STBexMW and I are starting a real, live, relationship, that might possibly lead to marriage. The sex is just as hot (hotter) than during the A, and she has matured wonderfully, as a person, so affairs don't always end badly. How many of you , who are obsessing about your MM/OM"s, are still married? And how many Husband's know about your continued obsession?

 

I agree with this JJ. How can you have a healthy M with an A going on. That is not a healthy M unless both have agreed to an open M. Personally it was too much for me to separate the two. I could not be nice to both the OM and my H one had to suffer unfortunately. The craziness of being M and having an A is too much drama as well. I am so happy I am not involved in a mess like that anymore. I see clearly what I should have done and will never do again.

 

I feel so clearheaded nowadays and it really is a better place for me to be. Although my M is going through another bout of suspicions I will not stray again.

[LostMe]

IDK. Couple weeks ago we had a major opportunity and didn't take it (my decision). I don't see any in the near or distant future as I'm out of town a lot. I think it will fizzle out to nothing if I'm lucky. I keep trying to focus on my H. Not sure I can do the NC that FA suggested. We have business and social reasons to be in LC.

 

I did honestly think too he would never put himself back in this situation, he's very strong willed so that's why I'm saying, don't necessarily go by that. The more aloof and distant I become, the more he seems to want to be with me. So it's kind of backfiring.

 

JAST

 

Something wrong with my quotes today! But yeah, this is what's happening with me too. NC isn't possible for social and business reasons and the more i pull back the more he tries to test the water by flirting etc. just to see if he still 'could' i think. It's kinda putting me off him in way as i have more 'power'. awful ego talking. I just have to let it play out/go away, he would never talk about any of it anyway. Kinda pointless thinking about it all.

[Just a stone's throw]

Agreed. Because as soon as you turn around and show an interest, they just pull back and make you look like a fool. Not worth it. Focus on the M and H. It's where our energy should be good luck!

 

IDK. Couple weeks ago we had a major opportunity and didn't take it (my decision). I don't see any in the near or distant future as I'm out of town a lot. I think it will fizzle out to nothing if I'm lucky. I keep trying to focus on my H. Not sure I can do the NC that FA suggested. We have business and social reasons to be in LC.

 

I did honestly think too he would never put himself back in this situation, he's very strong willed so that's why I'm saying, don't necessarily go by that. The more aloof and distant I become, the more he seems to want to be with me. So it's kind of backfiring.

 

JAST

 

Something wrong with my quotes today! But yeah, this is what's happening with me too. NC isn't possible for social and business reasons and the more i pull back the more he tries to test the water by flirting etc. just to see if he still 'could' i think. It's kinda putting me off him in way as i have more 'power'. awful ego talking. I just have to let it play out/go away, he would never talk about any of it anyway. Kinda pointless thinking about it all.

[LostMe]

Agreed. Because as soon as you turn around and show an interest, they just pull back and make you look like a fool. Not worth it. Focus on the M and H. It's where our energy should be good luck!

 

 

You too honey x

[fooled once]

 

Thanks FO, it's what worries me too but I am quite confident that he will not let it go there. Whatever i feel, it takes the decision out of my hands and i am relieved about that. I really am less broken about it all and i'm learning to live quite happily without him so i'm hoping this longing will pass too.

 

Lost ((hug)) <Man, every time I see your name, it reminds me of the TV show Lost and I am so sad it is over >

 

If you are okay, then I am okay. Being a mom makes me worry

 

Why don't you posters do what I'm doing? My STBexMW and I are starting a real, live, relationship, that might possibly lead to marriage. The sex is just as hot (hotter) than during the A, and she has matured wonderfully, as a person, so affairs don't always end badly. How many of you , who are obsessing about your MM/OM"s, are still married? And how many Husband's know about your continued obsession?

 

Ya know JustJoe, that's not fair. You sat around moping for the MW for how long? You engaged in an affair. Were you married? I don't remember your story.

 

Before you blow your chest up about how you were the man who helped break up the marriage and now you get the prize, check back in here in a few years and let us know if things are as peachy as you are anticipating. Seems you didn't wait that long before having sex with her again, since her divorce isn't final. You talk about how much she has grown up....maybe that isn't true and she is just looking for the next man to support her? Going from one house to the next isn't called maturing, it is called being supported. Best thing she could do is work on herself, while NOT married or involved with anyone.

 

Many people who get together after an affair have trust issues with that person. But I guess since you have all the answers now, that trust won't be an issue for you and her, since she has matured so much.

[2sunny]

Not sure I can wait the Oct 1 deadline. Think I'm gonna bail very soon.

 

Shoot, I just took the bait, didn't I?

 

WF - i didn't know you were back with your MM. how is that going?

[whichwayisup]

My STBexMW and I are starting a real, live, relationship, that might possibly lead to marriage.

 

My 2 cents..Take things slowly. Give her time and some space to grieve and go through the motions of losing her marriage. Reguardless of the fact she had an affair and wanted her marriage to end, it's still a loss. Loss of the life she once had, as well as her inlaws, neighbours, possibly friends. There will be some fallout of some kind here and it isn't going to be easy on her.

 

It's not healthy for her (or for you) to end her marriage and pick up with you RIGHT after the ink has dried off the D papers, making it official. If you want a healthier relationship with her, then the affair dynamic has to end.

[White Flower]

WF - i didn't know you were back with your MM. how is that going?

Well, after I told him his IC was taking too long and making me crazy I ended it which I think I posted on my very peaceful thread of 27 pages and was torn down.

 

He said he understood that he was making me crazy and to please hang in there until his IC was finished, that he needed my support in order to leave so he sucked me back in. It feels like the biggest catch22 though because as I wait patiently they are living their lives having more fun than ever. It just doesn't make sense. He claims this is just the distraction he needs to get through all this but I call BS on that.

 

And now with the big anniversary cruise (please don't say the number if you already know) I just can't see how he can fake it in front of her, her family, and their friends. I don't see how he can tell me he wants me to be Mrs. MM and disrespect me by going on it and faking it to them. I don't see how he can be so duplicitous even to himself. He is hurting 3 people here and after 6 months of IC he still seems to lack the agency needed to pull all this off.

 

There is a huge childhood issue that he has finally decided to tackle this week. It is huge but I can't talk about it. He wants to make the call in front of me and with my support to confront this demon. (I don't mean to say the receiver of the call is the demon).

 

That's about it for now. Thanks for asking sunny.

[jennie-jennie]

Ya know JustJoe, that's not fair. You sat around moping for the MW for how long? You engaged in an affair. Were you married? I don't remember your story.

 

Before you blow your chest up about how you were the man who helped break up the marriage and now you get the prize, check back in here in a few years and let us know if things are as peachy as you are anticipating. Seems you didn't wait that long before having sex with her again, since her divorce isn't final. You talk about how much she has grown up....maybe that isn't true and she is just looking for the next man to support her? Going from one house to the next isn't called maturing, it is called being supported. Best thing she could do is work on herself, while NOT married or involved with anyone.

 

Many people who get together after an affair have trust issues with that person. But I guess since you have all the answers now, that trust won't be an issue for you and her, since she has matured so much.

 

Joe, I don't agree with FO's approach above to your relationship. Your MW has made incredible changes and improvements in her life style. I am certain you are supportive of her just like you should be.

 

Love is in a way always a gamble. But it is so much better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

 

For love to prosper we need to dare to trust our loved ones, and I trust that you will do just that with your STBexMW.

 

Don't let any negative thoughts grumble your happiness. So what if something happens that makes you disappointed in the future? It is better to have missed out on worrying about that than to worry about something that never happens.

Edited June 18, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[fooled once]

Well, after I told him his IC was taking too long and making me crazy I ended it which I think I posted on my very peaceful thread of 27 pages and was torn down.

 

He said he understood that he was making me crazy and to please hang in there until his IC was finished, that he needed my support in order to leave so he sucked me back in. It feels like the biggest catch22 though because as I wait patiently they are living their lives having more fun than ever. It just doesn't make sense. He claims this is just the distraction he needs to get through all this but I call BS on that.

 

And now with the big anniversary cruise (please don't say the number if you already know) I just can't see how he can fake it in front of her, her family, and their friends. I don't see how he can tell me he wants me to be Mrs. MM and disrespect me by going on it and faking it to them. I don't see how he can be so duplicitous even to himself. He is hurting 3 people here and after 6 months of IC he still seems to lack the agency needed to pull all this off.

 

There is a huge childhood issue that he has finally decided to tackle this week. It is huge but I can't talk about it. He wants to make the call in front of me and with my support to confront this demon. (I don't mean to say the receiver of the call is the demon).

 

That's about it for now. Thanks for asking sunny.

 

I agree with you WF on him disrespecting you by going on this cruise -- especially an anniversary cruise -- playing happily married guy in front of everyone.

 

It IS better to have loved and lost; it is also so much better to be loved out in the open than to be hidden and a secret. It is better to be honorable in a person's actions and views, than to be dishonorable and a liar. Our word is all we have in this life, and if a person can't be honest, well.......

Edited June 19, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TinaniT]

Well I posted some details of my emotional struggle elsewhere. However, I realized I forgot to post the new development we found out after he told her about me.

 

She has been in an emotional (online) affair for years. Since before the stopped having sex. And it was physical, granted only a handful of times. She did not think this was reason for divorce. She thought that his dalliance shouldn't be, either. He disagrees. (Both for hers, and his own.)

 

Also, he has told the executor of his estate to make sure I'm at the funeral, God forbid something should happen after the divorce is final but before we feel fit to be legally wed and I get a chance to meet everyone. Because I brought it up. Wonder where I got that idea??

[jennie-jennie]

Well I posted some details of my emotional struggle elsewhere. However, I realized I forgot to post the new development we found out after he told her about me.

 

She has been in an emotional (online) affair for years. Since before the stopped having sex. And it was physical, granted only a handful of times. She did not think this was reason for divorce. She thought that his dalliance shouldn't be, either. He disagrees. (Both for hers, and his own.)

 

Also, he has told the executor of his estate to make sure I'm at the funeral, God forbid something should happen after the divorce is final but before we feel fit to be legally wed and I get a chance to meet everyone. Because I brought it up. Wonder where I got that idea??

 

LOL Tinani, it is really late here. I will go check out your thread tomorrow. I glanced at it but it was too long for me to read this late.

[BB07]

Why don't you posters do what I'm doing? My STBexMW and I are starting a real, live, relationship, that might possibly lead to marriage. The sex is just as hot (hotter) than during the A, and she has matured wonderfully, as a person, so affairs don't always end badly. How many of you , who are obsessing about your MM/OM"s, are still married? And how many Husband's know about your continued obsession?

 

 

JJ........ Instead of being snarky as I was last time, I'm just going to come out with it OK. In reference to your comment above, it comes across to me as if you are taking a stab at those OW/OM who aren't in your position, because come on, the truth is, most of them would want to be in the position of having a relationship that isn't hidden or kept secret, if they had the choice, so I don't get the point you are trying to make here, unless you are bragging.

 

The other thing I'm trying to understand about you is how since you've came here, you've talked about your situation openly and been sympathetic to others in the same boat, but you've gave some of the posters who are in the position of being the MW.....HELL and that is putting it mildly. It's like you are talking out of both sides of your mouth and it confuses me and I'm probably not the only one. Care to explain?

 

Oh and I'm glad that you got what you wanted, (the MM), but right now you are in the OOOOO Wow, it's finally happened and I'm so happy phase. That stage passes and then comes the problems of having a real out in the open relationship, she has her divorce to deal with and the fall out from that and there will be fall out, even if it is something she positively wanted. Then there will be times when you'll think.......damn all this baggage, that comes from having the affair. I know I thought wow......everything is going to be wonderful, but some of it has.......some of it, has sucked really bad. Just be prepared for some of both, is all I'm saying.

[JustJoe]

Well, for all of you who question her sincerity. She had a pre-nup with her ex, which gave her a substantial monetary settlement, regardless of the Divorce Grounds. SHE REFUSED IT! She took NOTHING, out of the marriage, that she did not bring in, except for some small tokens from members of his family, that had sentimental value. She has gotten a real, paying JOB, working with victims of Controlled Substance Abuse. She has told me that she will be paying half of all bills, and is willing and even cheerful about verifying all of her actions, until I am fully able to trust her, or we BOTH decide that the relationship isn't what we want. How's that for maturity!!!!!!!! I'm really proud of her. She has gone from being a trophy wife to being a useful member of society. I have never seen her so loving and happy and motivated. BTW, shed no tears for her STBexH, he has purchased another trophy wife and will no doubt move her in, as soon as the ink dries. MY FMW was the latest in a long line of eye candy that he bought to show how rich and powerful he is. I don't think he loves anybody, except himself.

[JustJoe]

BBo7, I have no axe to grind vs BW'S,OP'S or WS'S Who are honestly trying to work through their problems, and who are up-front with all concerned. I NEVER lied to FMW'S husband, I never kept my love for her a secret, and I forced D-DAy to put everyone on the same page. I did all that an OM can do to bring the A out into the light. Why? Because I'm not a good liar. Deception makes me feel guilty and queasy. Who are, incidently, the Dwarves that are never mentioned in the Snow White story. I DO have a problem with posters who are continuing to deceive either of the other sides of the triangle. Or posters who will be passive -aggressive and will say that they accept the responsibility for their actions, but will then use every excuse and evasion in the book to avoid blame. Be straight with me, and I will be straight with you.

[2sunny]

Well, after I told him his IC was taking too long and making me crazy I ended it which I think I posted on my very peaceful thread of 27 pages and was torn down.

 

He said he understood that he was making me crazy and to please hang in there until his IC was finished, that he needed my support in order to leave so he sucked me back in. It feels like the biggest catch22 though because as I wait patiently they are living their lives having more fun than ever. It just doesn't make sense. He claims this is just the distraction he needs to get through all this but I call BS on that.

 

And now with the big anniversary cruise (please don't say the number if you already know) I just can't see how he can fake it in front of her, her family, and their friends. I don't see how he can tell me he wants me to be Mrs. MM and disrespect me by going on it and faking it to them. I don't see how he can be so duplicitous even to himself. He is hurting 3 people here and after 6 months of IC he still seems to lack the agency needed to pull all this off.

 

There is a huge childhood issue that he has finally decided to tackle this week. It is huge but I can't talk about it. He wants to make the call in front of me and with my support to confront this demon. (I don't mean to say the receiver of the call is the demon).

 

That's about it for now. Thanks for asking sunny.

 

oh man, WF - that is just tough. seems he uses you as a crutch to better his life. are you willing to continue on like this?

 

when is it your turn? it seems it's all about how comfortable he is. he should handle his tough stuff on his own. he's a big boy... he knows how to get through life - and he also has a paid counselor. maybe you should asked to be paid as well for being supportive to him.

 

i want more for you than this - you are sacrificing and he's taking from you. a relationship with better balance would look much healthier.

 

has he said exactly when he will divorce? is anything different than six months ago? what will be different in another six months? or does he expect you to continue to waste time waiting for him?

[Confused4Now]

BBo7, I have no axe to grind vs BW'S,OP'S or WS'S Who are honestly trying to work through their problems, and who are up-front with all concerned. I NEVER lied to FMW'S husband, I never kept my love for her a secret, and I forced D-DAy to put everyone on the same page. I did all that an OM can do to bring the A out into the light. Why? Because I'm not a good liar. Deception makes me feel guilty and queasy. Who are, incidently, the Dwarves that are never mentioned in the Snow White story. I DO have a problem with posters who are continuing to deceive either of the other sides of the triangle. Or posters who will be passive -aggressive and will say that they accept the responsibility for their actions, but will then use every excuse and evasion in the book to avoid blame. Be straight with me, and I will be straight with you.

Amen to this brother...you must be my long lost twin..WOW!!! In bold ...this is me and I totally AGREE!!!!

[White Flower]

oh man, WF - that is just tough. seems he uses you as a crutch to better his life. are you willing to continue on like this?

 

when is it your turn? it seems it's all about how comfortable he is. he should handle his tough stuff on his own. he's a big boy... he knows how to get through life - and he also has a paid counselor. maybe you should asked to be paid as well for being supportive to him.

 

i want more for you than this - you are sacrificing and he's taking from you. a relationship with better balance would look much healthier.

I actually brought this up with him today. I said we're so busy discussing all your 'stuff' that I don't get to talk about concerns I would have if we were both just single people dating. Like, how long do you expect me to work, how many trips would you want to take with and without the kids (he'd be a stepdad), and what church would you like to attend since you say the Catholic Church won't have you anymore after you D. We don't seem to get to discuss general issues because it's been all about him and his counseling journey. I have no problem supporting the man I love, but he needs to remember that most often it still feels like Dec. 29 to me. Not much progress on this end.

has he said exactly when he will divorce? is anything different than six months ago? what will be different in another six months? or does he expect you to continue to waste time waiting for him?

I told him just this week that for all his IC and our bonding nothing really has changed. He got his W thinking his IC has got them back on track and he's got our A pretty much the way it was only with more promises this time. And those promises are feeling a whole lot like words without action to me.

 

All this led me to say I won't be here if he goes on that cruise. I will support him with the childhood issue but I won't be made a fool of and I won't be involved in an A any longer. If he still needs my support with that, as I promised him, it will be as friends. Some women can enjoy an A for what it is. I did that, and am over it. I just need more now.

[JustJoe]

Thanks, Confused. I know that a lot of posters think I'm a ****-ass, but I really do try to tell people my own thoughts , instead of reading a couple of sound-bytes of Pycho-babble, then rehashing it as their own ideas. People say that I'm harsh, but sometimes the truth is harsh. Hey, I had a lot of pain , during my affair, too. I had all of the doubts, lonliness and self-esteem issues that others have had. What I didn't do , is mope, whine and cry about it. I handled the issues in the most honest way that I could. I know that I'm lucky and it has turned out far better than I ever dreamed it would, but it could just as easily turned out really, really, bad. If people don't like the way I am or the way I act, I'm sorry, but That's all I can do and all I can be.

[White Flower]

Thanks, Confused. I know that a lot of posters think I'm a ****-ass, but I really do try to tell people my own thoughts , instead of reading a couple of sound-bytes of Pycho-babble, then rehashing it as their own ideas. People say that I'm harsh, but sometimes the truth is harsh. Hey, I had a lot of pain , during my affair, too. I had all of the doubts, lonliness and self-esteem issues that others have had. What I didn't do , is mope, whine and cry about it. I handled the issues in the most honest way that I could. I know that I'm lucky and it has turned out far better than I ever dreamed it would, but it could just as easily turned out really, really, bad. If people don't like the way I am or the way I act, I'm sorry, but That's all I can do and all I can be.

What is the difference between having pain and moping and whining?

 

That's not 'all you can be' Joe, you can be more. I defended you many times over when you couldn't understand why you were being bashed. This post is an example of why you didn't get along even with your own peers. You act like you're better than them, or at least give off that impression.

 

I liked you a lot and still find some of your posts charming. But when you come off like you think you're better (and maybe that's not your intention, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt) you lose the attention of those who want to take you seriously. And I really want to.

[JustJoe]

WF, You lecture me, in a very patronizing manner, and then say that I'M the one who thinks that they are superior? You say that you like me, then trash my character? Oh, thank you so much for "giving me the benefit of the doubt, Your Highness. Jeezus.

[White Flower]

WF, You lecture me, in a very patronizing manner, and then say that I'M the one who thinks that they are superior? You say that you like me, then trash my character? Oh, thank you so much for "giving me the benefit of the doubt, Your Highness. Jeezus.

A perfect example of what I'm talking about. I did not lecture you, did not patronize you and never behaved in a superior manner. Oh, and I didn't trash you either.

 

You see what you want to see Joe.

 

And still, you try to come off like you're better. I don't because I will admit right here and right now that I know I'm not. How can you relate to anyone when you come off that way?

 

Just sayin, and sayin it with as friendly a voice that I can. I hope you read it that way.

 

Cheers.

[lolapalooza]

WF, You lecture me, in a very patronizing manner, and then say that I'M the one who thinks that they are superior? You say that you like me, then trash my character? Oh, thank you so much for "giving me the benefit of the doubt, Your Highness. Jeezus.

Joe,

As someone who has mostly lurked here, and hasn't posted much until recently, I must note that you do tend to come off as a little smug. And perhaps take a little too much pleasure in the tough love that you dish out to MW's, such as November Rain (hope it's ok to mention her by name). I am not bashing you, just noting my observation. Perhaps it is just a part of your personality that is different in person, but seems another way on the Internet. Again, just an observation, FWIW.

 

And thank you very much for your Service to our country.

[BB07]

BBo7, I have no axe to grind vs BW'S,OP'S or WS'S Who are honestly trying to work through their problems, and who are up-front with all concerned. I NEVER lied to FMW'S husband, I never kept my love for her a secret, and I forced D-DAy to put everyone on the same page. I did all that an OM can do to bring the A out into the light. Why? Because I'm not a good liar. Deception makes me feel guilty and queasy. Who are, incidently, the Dwarves that are never mentioned in the Snow White story. I DO have a problem with posters who are continuing to deceive either of the other sides of the triangle. Or posters who will be passive -aggressive and will say that they accept the responsibility for their actions, but will then use every excuse and evasion in the book to avoid blame. Be straight with me, and I will be straight with you.

 

Thanks for the reply, I understand a little bit more of where you are coming from. However......I still think you are too harsh sometimes and the harshness tends to be dished out to the WS more than the OM/OW.

 

 

 

Just my 2 cents........

[fooled once]

JustJoe, I am all for calling a spade a spade, an affair an affair, a liar, a liar, etc.... but your response to WF above is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier.

 

 

Now, back on topic

 

JustJoe, I am glad if you feel as if the MW you have been having an affair is doing what you need her to do. Personally, I think it is not wise to have her move in with you when in my view, she needs time on her own. But hey, I guess you will find out down the road if that was the smartest idea. I think you two need to date, not become live-in lovers.

 

WF, I hope that you stand by what you told the MM....this time I hate that he sucked you back in and now he is going on an anniversary cruise with friends/family to celebrate their marriage. To me, that is a huge slap in the face to you, especially after all his talk about change, etc. I hope he doesn't use you again while you 'support' him through this childhood experience. Sometimes, people need to go through the healing process on their own, without having someone who loves them and has sacrificed so much for them (and not gotten that same in return). I wish you peace and happiness.