Confused Individual seeks advice - Why is she playing with my mind?

[twistedheaven]

It all started when i moved into my place at university, i met cool people, i like all my room mates, but one especially, she is called Rachel. We used to get along great, infact best of friends. We'd hang out, talk for hours on end, go out together, constantly together, i never had feelings for her, but as time progressed, things started to change.

 

I always saw her as attractive, but never bothered because i would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. But it got too much before christmas, i just couldnt handle it. She became very flirtatious, we would hang out together even more, and my feelings kept on building up.

 

I confessed my feelings to her, to which we both ignored each other for 3 days, then i confronted her, asked how she felt, she said... "you've put me in an uncomfortable position". I was kinda hurt, and never talked to her for 2 weeks (she was away for 1 week of this), when she returned, her BF came (yep, this is where it gets complicated). So we went out that night (all my friends, room mates etc...) and the BF comes to talk to me. He asks: "whats up with you and rachel, how come you are ignoring her? I know you like her, she told me all about me, im cool with that". I reply, "i dont know, im confused about the whole thing, i dont think she likes me as a friend anymore, i wish i never said anything".

 

The guy tells me, "dont say that, she likes you, she really does, if she wasnt with me, she would be with you. Im jealous that you are with her all the time, im scared that you could easily take her from me"

 

I found this to be very confusing, why in the hell would this guy say this to me? I mean, he is 10 years older than her (shes 18) so i guess he is understanding, but i wouldnt be so upfront? Id want to knock my head in.

 

We started to hang out again, and whilst considering what the dude told me (i thought it was some kind of trap to make a fool of me) i decided to make another attempt. I got her some gifts for christmas. I got her 2 pink roses (she adores pink), a fluffy teddy bear (she loves teddies) and some chocolates, all placed in a nice bag. With the note... "Roses for a beautiful flower, chocolates for a sweet like you, a teddy bear to cuddle as i would you".

 

I gave her the gifts and she was, "that is so sweet", and we hugged each other. She returned to her room, threw them on her bed and went out. I felt as though, they meant nothing, wasted my time.

 

I asked her once again, i felt a bond between us, thats why i took it further. I asked, can she honestly say that she feels nothing towards me? I think we would be truly great together.

 

She isnt happy with her boyfriend, infact, she despises him, but she craves intimacy and is only with him because she doesnt want to be alone (she told me all this). She doesnt even like him touching her, but yet, she finds it difficult to end the relationship as they have been together for 2 years (i didnt understand this at all).

 

I ignored her for a further week and came to be with her for a week during christmas, at our apartement, to talk and hang out. Each day when she came back from work, she would come to my room and we would talk for hours on end.

 

Eventually i went home for christmas and new year, we never spoke for 3 weeks, i sent her messages wishing her a good christmas and new year, but she sent none, this devastated me.

 

When i returned to our flat (a week later than everyone else), she never came to talk to me, she never even said hello.

 

And so we come to the present... we go out again last week (all friends, room mates etc) and she talked to me, privately, how she wants to end things with her BF, how she cant stand him, how she doesnt want to be with him but that she says he is the only one who cares about her. I told her, "i care about you". Whilst we were out, she was crying, i went to console her, i couldnt stand to see her sad, she doesnt deserve to, she deserves someone who loves her truly, who would do anything to see her be happy. I took the BF away for a chat and buy him a drink, i didnt want him around rachel, he was talking to me, how he loves her, but he isnt a bad guy, i was trying to give advice as if i was a mutual friend. I explained, that "you both want different things, she is too young".

 

I said, "who am i to give advice though, i feel like im wasting my time, we dont talk anymore, we are barely friends, she doesnt like me".

The guy tells me, "that isnt true, she likes you, she loves you, she is always talking about you to me. I feel like i know more about you than about her".

 

So the other night, i go to her room to see if she is ok, she tells me "isnt pedro in?" (one of my room mates) i say, "why do you say that?" so she tells me "because you've been socialising with him alot lately, ive missed you. So i give her a hug and this made me happy in a way, because i felt like i was important in her life.

 

Since then, she is so playful, she is always pinching me, smiling, trying to be around me, looking at me when i think i dont notice. We went out again the other night, i was with my friends, talking, drinking and she kept trying to get my attention, it got tiresome after a while. I tried to ignore her, she kept prodding me. I walked away to go get another drink, i saw her looking at me from a far, so i went to the toilets. When i returned, everyone asked where i was, i asked "why?", they said, "because rachel was wondering where you went".

 

I dont know what else to say, am i being played like a fool? Does she want to be friends or not? Does she want to be more?

 

At current, we are both ignoring each other again, i struggle to control my feelings when im around her so id rather not be.

 

Please, i need advice.

[SoleMate]

Am i being played like a fool?

A little, maybe.

 

Does she want to be friends or not?

Yes.

 

Does she want to be more?

Probably. But she wants to do it without taking any big risks like breaking up with boyfriend. Like many women (and men), she'd love to have multiple members of the opposite sex dancing to her tune. I don't recommend you let her do this to you. This is where we need amerikajn or jmargel to step in.

 

My only other advice is...don't ever give purchased gifts again as a START to a relationship. They should only be given as an acknowledgment of what has already happened between you, or as a token of existing two-way love. Otherwise, they can be embarrassing, and they will never produce the reaction you're hoping for. (Unless the gift is a Jaguar convertible, which is always acceptable and produces extreme gratitude, but that's another thread.) You can maybe give a tiny gift to someone you are hoping to know better, like a small bouquet of flowers you picked yourself or a single chocolate truffle, but no more than that. Ever.

 

Good luck!

[twistedheaven]

thanks for that.

 

We havent talked for a week and barely seen each other anyway. But she is still a friend, and as a friend, she hasnt come to talk to me or see if im alive... her BF is up here again, ive spoken to him but not to rachel.

 

Ah well...

[BlockHead]

twistedheaven

She isnt happy with her boyfriend, infact, she despises him, but she craves intimacy and is only with him because she doesnt want to be alone (she told me all this).

Why would she want it from her boyfriend if she is getting it from you?

twistedheaven

I gave her the gifts and she was, "that is so sweet", and we hugged each other. She returned to her room, threw them on her bed and went out.

Wow! She really took you seriously.

twistedheaven

The guy tells me, "that isnt true, she likes you, she loves you, she is always talking about you to me. I feel like i know more about you than about her".

Something is seriously wrong here, and I don’t think it is you. To me, this is a big [color=red]RED FLAG[/color]!!!

twistedheaven

So the other night, i go to her room to see if she is ok, she tells me "isnt pedro in?" (one of my room mates) i say, "why do you say that?" so she tells me "because you've been socialising with him alot lately, ive missed you.

I don’t buy it.

twistedheaven

I dont know what else to say, am i being played like a fool? Does she want to be friends or not? Does she want to be more?

 

At current, we are both ignoring each other again, i struggle to control my feelings when im around her so id rather not be.

I think these people have such pitiful and boring lives that they nothing better to do than play these stupid games.

 

I recommend that you avoid having a very close friendship with a woman because it isn’t good for your self-esteem.

[twistedheaven]

Thanks i guess, doesnt really explain much or give advice, but i sort of understand what you are getting at.

[BlockHead]

twistedheaven

If she really cared, she wouldn’t try to confuse you.

 

What on this earth makes you think that a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend would be honest or helpful? Why would he give up his sex kitten?

 

I don’t think you can have a real relationship with her. To most, if not all women, the friend and boyfriend roles are mutually exclusive. If you are a potential boyfriend, you have a chance for a real relationship, and if you are a friend, you are screwed. I believe that most women decide within the first five minutes after meeting a guy for the first time. You could work you way up from friend to potential boyfriend, but that takes a lot of work if it is possible.

 

Why is having a girl for a friend usually a bad idea? Being around a girl you find attractive, but cannot have is bad for your self-esteem. In your case, you are also serving as her therapist. She is the only person benefiting from the relationship.

 

I think you will live a longer and happier life without her.

[monkey00]

when u want something you cant have it

 

when u dont want something you can have it

 

i think this was what happened...you became needy, confessed your feelings and started giving her gifts and such

 

then when you acted like a normal guy again she wanted you becuae you became a challenge.

if i were you, i'd cont on acting the way you are until she confesses that she likes you...

 

that's all i gotta say for now

[twistedheaven]

Well, ive continued how i am. All of my friends continue to go out together, and she always looks for me and prodding me, i just ignore it and find someone else to talk to, then i see her moping in a corner.

 

I feel bad for doing that, but i dont have the time or the effort to keep playing games.

 

We havent really talked to each other or seen each other over the past few days, but when we do, i see her staring at me constantly. I just ignore it and go about my business.

 

Last night, we went out for a drink with some friends, rachel and her BF came as well.

 

We were having a drink together, talking, watching soccer and whilst in the conversation, i saw her looking at me, constantly, i know its ok to look at someone talking within the conversation, but even after i finished, she kept looking at me.

 

I never looked at her once, and when she did try to talk to me, i just nodded in a 'i dont care' kind of way. I was busy watching the soccer! lol

 

Anyway, it seemed like she got annoyed that i kept ignoring her all night as she had this angry look on her face, her BF kept trying to kiss her and she kept sitting further and further and pushing him away, eventually she flicked him on the face and said, 'leave it'. Then she looked at me. He saw her looking at me and got pissed off.

 

I feel like im a piggy in the middle and no one knows what the hell they want to do in this twisted circle.

[BlockHead]

twistedheaven

All of my friends continue to go out together, and she always looks for me and prodding me, i just ignore it and find someone else to talk to, then i see her moping in a corner.

Sounds like this girl is use to getting what she wants. Maybe she will learn something from the experience.

twistedheaven

I feel bad for doing that, but i dont have the time or the effort to keep playing games.

If she really wanted you, she would dump her boyfriend, and stop playing those stupid games. She brought it on herself.

twistedheaven

He saw her looking at me and got pissed off.

I can understand this reaction.

[monkey00]

HAHA man!

 

how i wish i would be you right now, if i could see the expression on her face and her bf's it would make my day!!

 

also i dont think you should wait for her to make a move or dump her bf...

 

if i were you i would just move on, forget about her, and live my life and find someone who'll appreciate you for you

 

i think what happened is when you get annoyed by having someone around you constantly, then all of a sudden take that away from you instantly...you start feeling lonely and start to miss what once used to be there...

 

u know kinda like your bitching mom at home, then u go away for college, you sorta miss her bitching/caring voice.

[twistedheaven]

i havent seen or talked to her for the past few days... its easy to say, ignore her and get on with life.

 

I have to live with her for another 5 months, and then for another year there-after. We are going to be living in the same house with friends, i still want to live with all my friends, im just worried about the situation with rachel.

 

Life is very confusing!

[monkey00]

life is confusing!

 

and this is how god plays us throughout life

[twistedheaven]

She has now broken up with her boyfriend, they broke up on wedsday, she told me today, she doesnt seem AT ALL bothered... this could be an opportunity but i dont plan on making a move, she knows where i am, how i feel, its down to her.

 

I dont want to put myself out again only to be rejected.

 

What do you think?

[monkey00]

KEWL.

 

all i gotta say that usually when girls have their eyes on someone else, or flirt with them...there usually is a problem in the relationship and a breakup is bound to happen.

 

anyway, just play it cool like u're already doing, regardless which woman it is...dont ever revert to your old self again.

yea you could say i used to be like you, but w/o the confessing or gift giving...but yea that attention whore taught me a good lesson, how to be a man!

 

so answer me this, u still feel for her?

or are your eyes on someone new?

[twistedheaven]

I still feel everything for her, she is the only person i want to be with. We talked for hours yesterday after i returned home after a weekend away. We havent really talked for a week or 2 and yesterday was like we were the best of friends again.

 

Playful, touchy feely, sitting side by side watching tv, at one point she point her hand on my leg (i didnt say anything to her )

 

I dont know if its because she feels lonely now and is desperate for attention but, im going to carry on how i am, ill show her some attention, i wont ignore her completely (it does get rude after a while), ill just play cool right? She is going home this weekend, the only thing i worry about is that, when is with her friends, they tend to flirt a lot and... she is attractive and does make out with a lot of people (this annoys me most of the time) and could end up returning with another 'partner' to her name.

 

Well, im here if she wants me, im not going to chase, i dont plan on doing anything for valentines (or should i? nah.) but if one day she realises what she could have had, i dont plan on being her backup.

[monkey00]

if she asks you what you're doing on vday just say you're busy, it'll make her jealous and wonder.

 

also another bad thing about being in your positiion now is that it's possible she's using you for rebound. you know, filling in that empty space that her bf used to fill.

 

you better be careful with this girl....

 

limit your hangouts w/her to once/twice a week if you have to

 

talked for hrs??

still no good man.

 

sounds to me like she's already put you into the friend category....

 

usually which category you're gonna be in is what you make out of it and your actions....

 

if i were you, i'd move on to find another girl, sounds to me like she's rebounding you, considers you a friend, plus she doesnt seem like a stable gf to have in the future...hence you say she makes out a lot w/others, look at how she treated you wehn u got her gifts!!

[julieg]

if she has broken off with her bf:

1. after 2 years there is a lot of history and a good chance she may get back with him.

2. speaking from experience she has got to be using you to fill a void. she is not using you intentionally but is just thinking of herself. having your undivided attention does wonders for her ego too. you have heard that rebound relationships hardly every pan out. it is definately true.

[twistedheaven]

Well, he lives 4 hours away, and she got fed up of him because she didnt really want to be with him in the first place (supposedly), she just wanted to be with someone. (for 2 years though?)

 

Im suspicious and curious is she broke up with him for me, i doubt that but i suppose we can hope.

 

I dont really want to be her rebound guy, i know these things dont work most of the time, but possible?

 

I dont know, im confused enough as it is, i have spoken to her today though, im not going to chase her, ill wait, and if she comes, ill be here with open but suspicious arms.

[julieg]

it sounds like she is looking for control. the girl is definately not material to get involved with stay friends but my advice to you to seek out and date other women. she may be taking you for granted just a bit, dont you agree?

[monkey00]

taking you for granted as in, doormat!

 

just be careful dude

[twistedheaven]

We were in the kitchen tonight, i was having dinner with some friends. She was quite playful but i didnt stick around and then later when i returned, i went to say hello and it was like she wasnt paying attention to anything i said.

 

She was working and is quite stressed over how much she has to do, i saw that she wasnt interested and i thought to myself, this is how she is most of the time and said to myself, '**** it' i walked out and left.

 

She seems fine and playful but whenever i go to talk to her, she becomes very distant and speaks in a very low toned voice, every sentence i say, 'what?' and i have to keep repeating myself.

 

Sigh.

 

Valentines day is nearly upon is, she wont be around for the weekend, not that i planned to do anything special, i guess ill go out and hopefully ill find someone, i do hope i find someone, im fed up of being alone and trying without reward with rachel, it seriously annoys me, and like most have said, its destroying my self-esteem.

[twistedheaven]

Quick i need help.

 

We were talking for hours yesterday, i went to see her in her room. We talked about previous relationships, what she would like in a new boyfriend, that she wants a relationship with someone up here, where we live.

 

What was this? was this an invitation to ask her out?

 

I was watching tv with her, she then went to take a shower (shower is right infront of me), she was singing, whistling and then she came out with this ever so tight hotpants & short cut top PJ's. OMG i melted. She is beautiful.

 

She is going away for the weekend so she was packing, kept asking me 'is this ok?' 'should i wear this?' etc... and she kept bending over infront of me, i was going crazy, i wanted to grab her and kiss her.

 

I wont see her now until monday but... what is this?! Should i make a move? I know i should wait for her, but she isnt the kind of person to make a move, she waits in the distance.

 

Should i ring her up on valentines and ask her out?

[BlockHead]

Play with fire and you will get burnt. In your case, I think you were burnt more than once from the get-go.

twistedheaven

I was watching tv with her, she then went to take a shower (shower is right infront of me), she was singing, whistling and then she came out with this ever so tight hotpants & short cut top PJ's. OMG i melted. She is beautiful.

 

She is going away for the weekend so she was packing, kept asking me 'is this ok?' 'should i wear this?' etc... and she kept bending over infront of me, i was going crazy, i wanted to grab her and kiss her.

Wow! More games. I can’t say I’m surprised.

twistedheaven

What was this? was this an invitation to ask her out?

Maybe it is an invitation, or maybe she is setting you up for rejection.

 

I think this girl is incredibly selfish and arrogant. Maybe she would trade you in for a newer model once she gets bored.

 

I don’t think you can have a real relationship with her because I don’t think she has the capacity for real love. She only seems to be concerned about her own needs and wants.

 

If you absolutely must have sex with her, then limit your relationship with her to just sex. Make sure you always use a CONDEM. If she says that she is using birth control pills (could be another game), use a CONDEM anyways. The last thing you need is to have a child with a lunatic. Doesn’t matter how pretty she is because she will take years if not decades off your lifespan.

[twistedheaven]

grrr im so confused, im going to do it. Ive already prepared what i want to say to her, so when saturday comes, thats it. Now or never.

 

If all else fails, ill move on(or try to)

 

I dont understand this thing between us, people have said they can see the sexual tension between us, its driving me crazy.

 

Wish me luck.

[monkey00]

more games again!! most of the time girls dont realize what they're doing to guys...it's just natural for them to act like bitches most of the time.

 

she's told you what she seeks in a boyfriend....DONT LISTEN TO HER. 99% of the time what girls say is not what they want...they even dont know what they want. attraction is illogical it happens subconsciously. YOU MUST NOT FALL FOR HER TRICKS.

 

this is once again another test, she's going to try to see how desperate you are. BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING WAY OVER YOUR HEAD HERE. once she knows how you feel about her, the challenge is over, the mystery also. the trick is to keep 'em guessing....which in turn will raise her interest level.

 

 

believe me, i know your sitatuion...i used to be the "mr. nice guy" last year.

but i've changed, i know the game and the tests they throw at me. how you react to certain tests is a way of filtering you from the chumps and the champs, and testing your masculinity. what's worse is that you're doing this on vday!! it makes it EVEN MORE obvious that you're desperate to get a valentine

 

e.g. you're at a bar and a girl asks if you can buy her a drink, you agree to....GAME OVER this was a filter to see how easily she can control you or step on you like a doormat. if you said "no, you buy me a drink." the challenge will exist, and she'll be attracted to you, before you know it.

 

OK, ive said enough...if you dont take my advice then dont come crying like a baby.

i already know the outcome, but you're being to irrational here, you just gotta control your emotions.