I resent my husband and I'm hurting - how do I cope?

[TineeTam]

I keep seeing all these posts about having affairs, or about being strong and leaving a bad situation, and how no one should feel that they have to stay in a marriage when they are not happy or fulfilled. It all sounds so easy, and most of the advice is good – but sometimes it is impossible to do. This is difficult for me to post because by stating it, it means I have to acknowledge it - and I've been avoiding that for years.

 

I am 44. My husband is 46. We’ve been married 18 years. We had both dated before so we were not that naive when we met, and neither of us were virgins – although he had been with 7 or 8 women and I had been with one man before & it was only a few times.

 

We were both a little overweight when we met. I have been big my whole life. Even as a child I wore “pudgy” sizes. Without going into a lot of family history lets just say that my mother fed us well and made sure we ate everything on our plates. I dieted constantly and always ended up larger than when I started. I dieted my way from a size 10 to a size 20. At one point (after high school) I lost 80 pounds and was able to keep it off for about 6 years. It was when the weight was off that I met my husband.

 

I never dated in school because no one ever asked me. My husband didn’t start gaining weight until he was 18 and had broken his leg and was in a cast for six months. He has battled his weight ever since.

 

We met, liked each other and started dating. Within a few months we both said “I love you” and made a commitment to each other. A year later we got married.

 

Because of my weight I’ve always had some self-esteem issues – fat people are treated differently in this world and that is a plain fact. I was never depressed about my weight until I had to start working and was 18 years old before I ever had a date and that was only after I lost some weight.

 

Anyway, I guess part of me figured that if I didn’t marry him I probably would never meet anyone and get married. I did and do care about him, and I do love him. But I’m not in love with him anymore – if I ever was. And the anger/bitterness/resentment/pain is overshadowing the love - maybe overpowering it as well.

 

After we became engaged we began sleeping together. He initiated it and I loved the chase! He never turned me down when I would initiate sex either. We moved in with each other before we were married and I think that is when the problem started. We didn’t have a lot of money and he doesn’t like to do outside activities, so we did everything indoors. Movies, TV – all passive entertainment. Once in a while we would play putt-putt golf or go bowling, but not very often. We would visit friends (or they us) and we would sit around talking or playing cards. We started gaining weight.

 

By the time we got married we had both gained 50 pounds. We were not having sex as often, but I figured that was par for the course. But it kept getting worse and he stopped initiating sex. I was almost always the one to initiate it. We tried to talk about it and he told me that it was boring and we discussed some fantasies and did some role-play sex games, but reality seldom, if ever, lives up to fantasy.

 

I got the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech over and over again. I cried a LOT! I know it was me – I was too fat. We both were and we didn’t fit together very well anymore -- some things just didn’t reach as well or as easy.

 

It got to where we were having sex maybe once a month or so and each time it left me wanting more and not satisfied. He had been turning me down for quite a while when I walked in on him masturbating one time. He didn’t hear me and we were both mortified. It hurt to know that my husband would rather do that then be with me.

 

We got counseling, but that didn’t help. We went for a couple of years – as we could afford it. During this time we kept gaining weight – we were so inactive and we used our sexual energies to stuff our faces – at least this was something we could do together.

 

We managed to stay friends and even tell each other “I love you” but there is no intimacy. The last time we tried to have sex (9 years ago) we couldn’t. We were out of breath after a couple of minutes and we don’t bend very well because we are so big and so out of shape and getting older too. Even the last dozen times we did have sex in it was not fulfilling – at least for me. It was uncomfortable and I just wanted to get it over with.

 

I thought about having an affair, but really---if my own husband didn’t want me then no one would! (I read that in someone else’s post and I knew exactly what that person was talking about. Sadly, that is the only thing I’ve read so far on this board that has made me feel any better - knowing that at least one person out there might understand my feelings)

 

Anyway, I have realized that I married him out of fear more than love and I stay with him for the same reasons. I don’t want to not have someone, we do enjoy each other’s company for the most part, and financially we are dependent on each other.

 

But now I am resenting him more and more. We did not have any children because he didn’t want them. He was afraid he would be abusive and he just plain hates kids. I didn’t want kids at first, but after a few years I did want to be a mom. I still do, but now its too late. I miss not having children. I keep thinking that I will be all-alone when my husband dies – without even any children to call or write to me. I gave up having children for this man! I gave up a sex life for this man! And I have never even had an orgasm.

 

I’m too fat and embarrassed by myself to find somebody. I would be terrified to have sex now anyway. I don’t know that I could feel anything – although there are times when I still crave it. Well, I crave an idea of it—it was never that great with my husband. After that first role-play “adventure” of ours he never wanted to try anything new. It was missionary position or nothing. He did want anal sex and I did that for him a few times in the shower and it was painful and horrid. He stopped wanting that when he knew it hurt me.

 

The only things that are important to me now are my dogs (I have 2) and my house. I cannot afford the house on my own. We also only have one car. We’ve had some major financial problems in the last 5 years. My husband is now on a fixed income (he became crippled in a car accident) and I had to take a big cut in pay recently in order to keep my job. At one point we had to file bankruptcy or lose everything. Even one of those credit counseling agencies told us that was our best bet because we couldn’t pay off the debts on our new income, and even if we sold everything it would not be enough. I hate to admit that, but its true and it’s the thing I’m most ashamed of. We panicked when the police came to the door because an attorney for a credit card company had sent them to verify where we were living. If it were not for that I may be able to find a smaller house that I could afford on my own - but with that bankruptcy on the books my credit is ruined and no one will finance me -- unless its at an incredible interest rate.

 

Anyway, I can’t leave him to fend on his little bit of income and I can’t move into an apartment with two big dogs and leave my home. My dogs and my home are my only joy now.

 

I guess what I need is to see if anyone can give me some specific suggestions on how I can continue to live with this man and ways in which I might be able to live with less anger and bitterness, and any tricks I might use to keep from crying so much?

 

I want to be loved and love someone in return, but I know that is not possible for everyone. I have accepted that. How do I keep from crying and being so bitter?

 

If I can muster up enough courage to not be so ashamed and embarrassed by myself, how do I go about finding someone who may want me? The personals all seem to want people who are “height/weight proportionate” which leaves me out. I won’t have sex with someone I just met – I would want to find someone that I could establish a relationship with. I will tell my husband that I have found someone and that I plan on having an affair with and ask him to just deal with it or leave, after I found someone. I know that sounds clingy and selfish – but I think after all I’ve been through I deserve to be a little selfish. He does know how I feel and he's even said he wouldn't blame me if I did have an affair. He does want me to be happy -- or at least he says he does, but I don't trust him -- or anyone -- anymore. I know about condoms and precautions – but I seriously doubt that I’ll ever get to that point. I mean, no one wants an lumpy, obese, middle-aged woman who droops, sags, and has stretch marks over her entire body. I thought about just paying for sex, but that really scares me and I can’t just have sex – I need an emotional attachment. Part of me hopes that if I can meet someone and they really like me and want me, I will have the strength to leave my husband and be on my own. I don’t want to go into another live-in relationship – I want to be on my own.

 

Do you think its possible that having another person desire me and/or care about me, may help my own self-esteem and self-confidence? One counselor I went to seemed to think so, but she was talking about making some friends and using them as a support group. I don’t have any friends either. The only person I talk with (outside of work) is my husband. I’ve never had many friends, and those I did have, have moved away and moved on.

 

I’m just miserable and I am not in love with my husband and I want a life of my own. But I don’t know how to achieve those things. I’m not very smart and will never make a lot of money. I didn’t go to college. I’m ugly. I’m tired of dieting – that’s how I got to be this size! (I’m over 300 pounds now, but I’ve been able to maintain that weight for the last 10 years, when I gain a little around the holidays I’m able to lose it again in the spring and it’s only about 20 pounds)

 

I’ve tried the volunteer route and I always seem to be the outcast. People my age are talking about their kids and even grand kids. I have nothing in common with any of them, and believe me – women can be crueler to a fat woman then the men can be. I tried some craft things, but I’m not into that and it costs a lot of money.

 

A friend at work told me about your website and I’ve been reading it for a while. Is there anyone out there who can offer some suggestions on dumping the bitterness and resentment I feel? Any suggestions on how I can cope? Any honest opinions about my chances of meeting a man who might accept me for who I am and not what I look like?

 

And please, don’t tell me to diet, or how to diet, or what diets worked for you. I’ve been to doctors and I’ve tried every diet on the planet. I will always be big and I have to accept that. I have started exercising so that I’m not so out of shape, but I started that six months ago and while I feel better – I have not lost any weight and whatever toning might have occurred is hidden under the fat. If you think that dieting is the only answer - then maybe if I hear that enough I'll get it through my head and accept things as they are. If dieting were easy then everyone on the planet would be slender.

[Benedict]

I cannot address your entire post - there is a lot there.

 

Do you think its possible that having another person desire me and/or care about me, may help my own self-esteem and self-confidence?

 

No, I don't. At least not totally; I believe that your self-esteem comes from inside.

 

It is a sad fact that people react differently to overwieght people - you have experienced it yourself. You can't change the world; you can only change yourself. And that is only if you want to. If you feel that what you are ultimately after is worth changing for, you will.

 

You have already begun to exercise; that is good. It is only part of the equation. When I was 34 or so, I was up to 190. At 5'8", that is pretty thick. I learned a lot about fitness from a great friend at the time. I don't think I leaned on food as a crutch, but didn't look too closely at that. What I did do was to eliminate the "bad" things I ate that I was not all that fond of. Pizza, potato chips, saucy pasta stuff, and doughnuts were in that group. Just poof! away! The stuff that I really like - and I mean really really like I ate just tiny bits of, here and there. It does no good to completely deny yourself things. Those things for me are chocolate chip cookies and french fries. Yum. Then I started running and lifting. A very little at a time. 15 months later, I weighed in at 157. But I never considered myself "on a diet" - that is the way to lose in the end, because you eventually come off of a diet. Plain and simple, it was a lifestyle change. And honey, that is exactly what you need right now.

 

My case is obviously very different from yours. I was never that overweight. But I really believe the principles to be the same. Weight is purely a function of input (what you eat) vs output (how much energy you burn). I don't give a sh*t what some (few) doctors say. Any nutritionist or dietitian or most doctors will agree to that. Now there are a lot of factors that figure in, like how used you are to sitting watching TV, how used you are to having a lot of butter on your toast - you get the picture. It is truly a matter of a major lifestyle change. You say you want someone to value you as you are, but you don't! How can you expect them to?

 

Here is what I say: F*ck everyone else and F*ck what anyone thinks. Modify your life for YOU. Start moving around more. Walk more. Plenty of people come around from where you are. It is not a matter of whether it is easy or not. You said everyone would do it if it were easy, but it is more like people do not want to change.

 

Put on a sweat suit and knock it out. Not to be mean or anything, but what else you got going on to keep you from that? Like everything else in life, it is an inertial process. Very hard to get started. A little easier once you are started. But babe, once you see the first appreciable weight come off, it is like a DRUG! And you will be off and running. I remember what it was like.

 

Don't say anything about being 44 and too set in your ways. Sorry, honey, this is 2004 and 44 is YOUNG. It is about you deciding what you want - independent of ANYONE - and gertting it. Yeah, it will be tough. but YOU CAN DO IT. The self esteem you grab for yourself is worth 100 times as much as you might think you are getting from someone else. Your bod is all you really got in this life...

 

And yes, I can hear people saying as they read my post "See a doctor!" and I agree. You are pretty large at 300 lbs. It is not like shedding "only forty" pounds. Talk to one. It isn't too late for you. It really isn't.

 

Now I will await the barrage of thrown stones...

[doniker]

wow.

 

I am a married man age 40. My wife is also 40 and we have been together for over 9 years.

 

My wife is over 300 pounds, 5'8"....I am 260 pounds, 6'3".

 

My wife is a very upbeat person. She has low self esteem because of her looks but she just stays busy and stays positive.

 

------

 

You say that you are not very smart but I can tell by your letter you are no dummy. It was very well written.

 

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My sexlife is in the toilet too and the only reason I am with my wife is because I got her pregnant with our daughter 8 years ago and I feel I have an obligation to stay.

 

I am not "in love" with my wife and am alittle bitter as well but I really don't think there is anything much better out there.

 

-------

 

I don't have alot of advice. Just don't give up, try to stay positive.....nothing good and worthwhile comes easy.

[Girlie]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

If you have self-esteem issues, finding a man will not help that, as someone else mentioned. And losing weight won't necessarily either. I'm thin, blonde, young and often told I'm pretty, and that doesn't do me a damn bit of good as far as self-esteem goes. I was in counseling for years and that's the only thing that helped. Because honestly, it does not matter what other people think of you. If you don't like yourself, people can love you until the cows come home and it really doesn't do a lot to fill that void. I really would suggest looking into some sort of therapy. I know it can be expensive, however, it doesn't have to be. I'm a law student and a single mother, so I don't have the money for private counseling, but when I really started looking into it, I found all sorts of support groups and other therapy programs that were available to me. Self-help has been a saving grace for me also, when I just don't have the time or resources to find anything else. I would have never gotten over my eating disorder or other issues without it.

Also, as someone else said, 44 is not old. My mother went back to night school, got a degree and pretty much started her life over at around that age. I know it sounds cheesy, but if you really want something, you will find a way to make it happen. When I found out I was pregnant and my child's father left me, I thought I would never get to go to law school. How could I with no support? But I wanted it so bad that nothing was going to stop me. I have loans coming out of my ears, but I'm going to have a career when I'm finished that I'll be happy with and I know it will be worth it. Don't give up on your life and don't think you have to stay in a certain situation or mind set just because it's been that way for a while. We only go around this crazy world once. Don't think it's too late.

[moimeme]

You have a TV and you have a computer. I suggest you sign up for Dr. Phil's weight loss challenge. Plenty of people who have 'tried everything' are succeeding, I understand, with his plan. Once you start succeeding in that area, your self-esteem will rise. These things affect each other; as your self-esteem rises, you'll be more encouraged to continue taking care of yourself.

 

You can do this - however you have to actually want it. Otherwise, you'll stay in your rut.

[FolderWife]

No stones from me, benedict:

 

TineeTam, forget finding another man. Just forget it.

 

Now, here's what you focus on: Do exactly what benedict said, because that's exactly what I'm doing.

 

NOOOOO SWEEEETS.

 

Like benedict, I had a sweet addiction (chocolate ) I cut out the stuff I just ate for fun (ice cream, coffe, donuts) and I allow myself chocolate (or a desert) once in a while.

 

EAT BREAKFAST: I cannot stress breakfast enough...it's the one meal that if I skip, leaves me wanting to eat all day.

 

You excersise, and that's good; keep that up.

 

Change your hair do. Go to your local stylist, and ask her to recommend something; I've seen 300lb women with good hair and makeup, and they're NOT ugly. Buy some pretty clothes (I know it might not be easy, but shopping is good for anyone)

 

When my self image gets low, I just focus on looking better: doing my nails, fixing my hair, wearing makeup, etc. Once I started looking in the mirror, and hating my body, I joined a gym. I felt better about myself, because I was proud of myself for going to the gym....even though I didn't look any different.

 

If you need sex, buy a porno and a dildo. It's just a good, honey. Not as intimate as sex, but you're not going to get any intimacy out of your husband, and in your current state of mind, you're not going to be able to have a relationship with someone else either.

 

Maybe after a year of working out, no sweets, and a dildo, you might have built your self esteem up enough to realize you don't need a man to be happy. You're obviously not happy, so just accept that your not in a "marriage" you're in a roomate situation.

 

I hope none of this sounded harsh or mean. I have never been over weight, but I HAVE been insecure. Having a husband turn you down doesn't help either. I'm so sorry you are where you are. I can't imagine feeling as unhappy and unloved as you must feel.

 

I'll tell you something else that works for me, is going to church. It's not for everyone, but I sure feel happier when I go

[silk_sword]

I want to be loved and love someone in return, but I know that is not possible for everyone.

 

first of all it is possible. try loving yourself. u r someone worth loving. so y not love yourself and give yourself all that u need.

 

 

Do you think its possible that having another person desire me and/or care about me, may help my own self-esteem and self-confidence?

 

it could give u an instant boost, but it would be superficial. u need to give yourself the confidence and esteem u deserve. others can't provide u with something that u must provide for yourself.

 

 

perhaps that may seem harsh, but it's not my intention to be cruel. if u feel bad about yourself, then it isn't fair to yourself or to your husband that u blame and resent him. u r the only one who can make the decisions in your life. u r the only who can change your life. in truth, u need to change yourself, if u r unhappy with yourself. it's no one's fault but your own, if u don't make the changes that u know u need to make. unfortunately, it's the hardest thing to do (change yourself/pull yourself out of the rut). yes - it's lonely. yes - u feel worthless. yes - u feel like there is no point or that life has nothing right now. but, u r the only one who can give yourself worth. u r the only one who can give your own life meaning. i don't suggest u leave u'r husband. y not try first to get u both in shape. try working out together. if he declines, then make a promise to yourself to work out on your own. set your own goals. they r easy to make and hard to stick with. but, oh the feeling of accomplishing them. it's one of the best feelings in the world. y? because, u know that u deserve. and in knowing u deserve, u establish your own worth. and, achieving a level of worth for yourself creates self-confidence. this is how u gain the motivation to go on. this is how u learn what u r worth and what u deserve. and after this, u understand that any man would be lucky to have u, and that u r irresitably desirable. i can't tell u what to do about your husband. i hope u both try though. marriage is something sacred and shouldn't be thrown away. however, if it doesn't work and your happiness is on the line, then don't let him destroy u (take u down). u deserve to soar and don't let any man or any peron tell u or make u believe otherwise!! i wish u all the luck in the world. i hope everything falls into place for u. take care and believe that u r precious, because u r!

[TineeTam]

Thanks for the replies. Diet and weight loss is not the issue. I don't care if I lose weight -- I'm not even going to try to anymore. What did it get me? A husband. So what. I got attention when I was smaller but size is not who I am. Anyone who knows about genetics, knows that it plays a large part (no pun intended) in how each of us carries our weight and how big or small each of us is meant to be, as well as nutrition and exercise.

 

I knew that some folks would reply with "how-to's" or "you can do its'" about weight loss because they probably see that as the main roadblock to happiness and/or success for some people. As someone else said -- thin people can be just as unhappy and have the same emotional problems and successes as fat people. But I guess you are right -- in today's society if you're fat you can't expect or even hope for the same kinds of happiness that thin people have or can realistically hope for. I am healthy -- I'm just fat and I'm going to stay that way because I see nothing wrong with it. I have had doctors tell me that being overweight CAN be unhealthy - but the most unhealthy part is the constant up and down of the weight. Even being big it is better to maintain that weight and not have the constant fluctuation, and it also depends on how a person carries their weight. Some people are just meant to be bigger than others. Sadly, so many people who have never been really overweight in their life look at large people and think that they are undisciplined, or lazy, or ignorant, or don't care about themselves -- which is generally not true--but there are those who will see it that way no matter what.

 

I have been to doctors. I have been to counseling. I am not a depressed person by nature - if I were I would not be able to handle my situation as well as I have. I don't need a man to validate my life -- but can anyone understand how having attention paid by new guy can make a person feel? That's not wrong. How do any of you feel if you are paid a compliment? Or when a person of the opposit sex shows an interest in you? Doesn't it make any of you feel nice? Or am I the only one?

 

Oh well, thanks--I'll just accept things as they are and continue to do what I have to do.

 

And thanks for saying something nice about my writing. I do appreciate that. I'm not book smart and barely made it through school. My memory isn't worth much and I have to write everything down. I tried to take some college classes once and I flunked out because I just didn't understand what they were teaching and I couldn't remember anything long enough to pass a test. I've never really had any career ambitions -- there has never been anything that I wanted to be or do. I worked in factories, in stores, in a warehouse and now I work as a secretary. I've been to career counselors and taken some tests to find out what I would be suited for - but nothing really interested me--or motivated me. Because I have so much trouble learning and remembering is why I say I'm not real smart. I can read and write, but I dont' always use the right grammar or punctuation and I'm not good at finding my own mistakes -- I really, really have to work at it and it seems like I always miss some little thing. I'm a secretary because the thing I'm best at is typing and word processing. I can do that and even be creative about it a little. I don't like it especially, but it pays the bills and it beats being a receptionist -- I'm not good with a lot of phone lines ringing and I can't seem to get off one call and pick up the next without sounding flustered or rude. That is a real talent!

 

Well, I do thank you all for your replies. I guess I am where I need to be and I better just be glad to have a home and companionship. Sex is overrated anyway. I think I was just reading too many posts about sex and started questioning my own marriage!

[CaterpillarGirl]

Tinee,

 

You aren't alone in this. Read this post. I thought it was very similar to yours.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t25279/

 

 

Dieting and losing weight won't make your self-esteem issues go away, and I hear you when you say that's not the issue. I don't have any advice to offer, but feel free to PM me if you need an ear.

 

-CatGirl

[Benedict]

Let me clarify something that I said...

 

I did not mean to imply that only by being thin will you achieve any self-esteem. No, what I mean is that by seeing a goal, focussing on it and accomplishing it you will. That is a fact. Tried and true.

 

You say at 300 pounds you are healthy? Sorry, don't buy it. Fact is: your heart was not meant to push blood through all that weight. Another simple fact. Any doctor that tells you you are healthy is lying and not doing you any favors. Unless he qualifies it with "well, for weighing 300 pounds, you are healthy..."

 

You got yourself a husband, not your size . So which is it? Do you want attention or not want attention? You've said both.

 

Well, I do thank you all for your replies. I guess I am where I need to be and I better just be glad to have a home and companionship. Sex is overrated anyway. I think I was just reading too many posts about sex and started questioning my own marriage!

 

You spent as long long time composing this thread. Now you decide you were wrong? To me, it sounds like you want everything to magically, effortlessly change.

 

Would that it were so easy...

[Reckless]

There's a lot in your thread but it put me a little in mind of Hokeyreligions thread from a little while ago. I'm not saying you have to chose the same route as her just that you are not alone in your situation...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31207

 

Anyway, I would just like to say that while I sympathize with you it pains me that at only 44 you feel you have to resign yourself to a life of resentment and self loathing (and the things you said about yourself that you're quote: 'ugly' and undesirable lead me to think that's the way you really feel).

 

You asked for any practical advice that didn't include diet tips and so I'd say

 

* Continue and increase the exercise. Cheapest and best is walking - increasing by 5 mins at a go. This is NOT for you to necessarily loose a lot of weight but to lift your spirits, give you energy and help improve your self esteem.

 

* Net work. Make friends. This is not an option it's a necessity for a happy life; you're clearly intelligent, eloquent and have strength of character, when you meet like minded people invite them into your home and life, through work, through family, church, social clubs. Don't bury yourself in your home with your husband.

 

*You mentioned a whole lot of things you don't like doing but unless you're already dead there must be something that you DO like to do. Get a piece of paper and stare at it until you come up with something you would like to do that will bring some more joy into your life - anything from ballroom dancing to joining a chess group, just something that you will look forward to each week, to start the blood circulating again. Talking of which....

 

* Discover the big O. Order a vibrator (you can do it discretely over the internet) and if your husband has not interest in experimenting with you, experiment with yourself. You're 44, time to discover what all the fuss is about.

 

* Should you take a lover? I'd never advise that but if one day you want to leave your marriage take it from someone who has spent many years in singledome, you will need to be armed with a fair amount of self love and confidence to attract a lover of any worth, especially if you are not your classic size eight young beauty. You definitely need the relative security of your home for now and who knows what a change in direction will do for your marriage. Yes, flirting and complements feel great but insecure beauties are a dime a dozen, living on compliments them is like living on chocolate, sooner or later you'll want something solid. Still, compliments will come if you radiate joy so that's your goal for now and it is possible, you've just got to come up with a plan. Talking of which...

 

* Ditch the resentment. It's poison for the soul. You are angry at your husband for the life you are living but you are also responsible for it, the choices were also yours. I understand that you feel trapped but you don't get a second go when you're dead, so stop blaming him. You said he's at least a friend, ask for his help in the little projects of self discovery you undertake; ask for his cooperation and patience with the new friends you make and ask him to hold the damn vibrator.

 

There are no easy answers here and I humbly recognize that I cannot fully understand what you're going through but surely at only 44 it's not all over for you yet ...shift your attitude about what you deserve - you sound strong, so why have you decided that you have to live without goals, friends, love or sex. To hell with that I say!!!

[HokeyReligions]

We sound a lot alike. I know what you mean about the weight not being an issue -- it's not an issue to YOU because you wouldn't treat a heavy person any differently. But a lot of people do without even realizing it -- THAT is what you have to accept--that not everyone will 'get' what being really big is all about. It's not about the weight and it's not necessarily even about depression or low self-esteem. I don't think there is a word to describe it, it's not taught in any psych class unless size is considered abnormal.

 

 

I know what you mean about the doctors too. I was told the same thing. A body can function well and be healthy if it maintains a constant. A regular weight that does not fluctuate. Regular exercise. Routine is critical to maintain anything. There are a lot of thin people who have some health problems because of their constant yo-yo weight and diet and exercise routines. They gain, they lose, up and down and this puts more of a strain on the heart, kidneys, etc. than just being big and maintaining a high weight. If you have evened out now -- even at 300 pounds, then you are doing well. I'm always battling and I'm still on the yo-yo routine. I need to just maintain and not worry about it!

 

Is a person who maintains a lower weight healthier than an obese person who maintains at a higher level? Depends on the individual really - its not cut and dried. The heart is a muscle and can be made strong. One doctor told me about weight lifters. A weight lifter regularly lifts weight to build strong muscles. Those muscles can use more force and and lift more then those of a person who may work out, but doesn't lift weights. The heart in an obese person who does get regular exercise and maintains heart health (cholesterol plays a big part here) is like a weight lifters muscles -- it can handle more weight because its healthy and been made strong. Probably half of the people who are obese fall into this category and more than half of the people who are overweight but not obese fall into this category.

 

The health risks come in when the person slows down their exercise. Just as a weightlifters muscles turn to mush if they discontinue thier routines, or if they get sick, or as they get older - so does the heart of an obese person. Also, as exercise decreases people tend to put on more weight and that is when the health problems really start.

 

There are a lot of other factors. I have good cholesterol levels and I don't have a lot of fat in my diet. I eat healthy foods and stay away from sweets for the most part. I weigh a LOT too and can't lose unless I starve myself. Have you had your cholesterol levels checked? Make sure you are healthy and don't worry about the weight.

 

As for your husband -- I've seen posters tell you to use a vibrator and I have to say -- that is something I simply could not do! I would be so inhibited by it that it would have the opposit effect and I wouldn't even be able to hold my head up to ask my husband to participate or to tell him to leave me alone in the bedroom! But I did see another post where you said you like porn--so maybe that will work for you and at least releive some tension. Although it might just make the situation worse -- only you can judge for yourself.

 

Before my husband and I stopped being intimate a friend of his developed a crush on me. I loved it! It made me feel good about myself, like I still 'had it' and was a great ego boost and I think everyone needs one of those sometimes. I had hoped my husband would be a little jealous but he wasn't at all. Some of the younger women might not think that is a big deal or might think that it means you tie your own personal value into what others think, but we know it ain't so and those youngsters will find out themselves someday! I had a guy 'card' me when I went to buy beer once. I was 38. I LOVED it! I smiled for a week!

 

I posted in another thread about smiling and making eye contact with people. That has nothing to do with weight--try it. Someone pasted a link to that other thread here.

 

Hun - I understand. Quite frankly I'm surprised at the number of people who have similar situations! I feel less alone now.

 

PM me and we can talk privately, maybe we can form our own support group.

[lepeep]

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies : Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession

 

 

by Jane R. Hirschmann

 

It should help with some of your emotional problems as well

[FreeMe]

Lots of people have said good things here.

 

Tinee and Hokey, I am an attractive, slender woman and it still gives me a boost to have someone flirt with me! There's nothing wrong with that. It's not going to solve all your self esteem issues, but it's encouraging and puts a smile on your face. We're social animals after all, and we can't help but care to some extent about what other people think. So if you find someone who wants to flirt, do it! It's always good to feel as though someone takes an interest in you.

 

I also agree that excercise and diet is not necessarily about losing weight, but about feeling like you've accomplished something. The happy glow I've seen in people who feel good that they've lost weight is more about feeling proud of the accomplishment than how they look. I'm slender, but I've fluctuated to 20 lbs over what I am and when I lost that weight I felt good - in control of myself and my body. Fitting into my older clothes was secondary.

 

I also agree that self esteem has nothing to do with being slender. I am and my self esteem is terrible. I am the jealous type. It really comes from inside. I have a good friend who has always had a weight problem but she exudes confidence. She impresses everyone she meets in a completely positive way.

 

I really feel for you with this. I struggled with lonliness for a long time and it's very hard. I hope some suggestions here help you. Stay strong.

[brashgal]

I don't want to appear that I am getting on the 'lose-weight bandwagon' because I agree with you, it doesn't solve all self-esteem problems but I did just read a book about someone who lost a tremendous amount of weight (180-something lbs). What struck me more than the fact that she actually did so (and no stomach-stapling or other extreme measures for her) was some of the feelings she expresses about being fat, observations about her own lack of self-esteem and what contributed to it and her observations about her thin friends and family, how they treated her before and after - how screwed up some of them were w/o being fat.

 

She also writes about what it was like to date after losing the weight - just great observations about people. If for some reason you did leave your husband and get back on 'the scene' at 40-something, you will find her experiences interesting (she was in her early 40s when she lost the weight, etc).

 

Passing for Thin by Frances Kuffel

 

You made a remark about writing and grammar and punctuation etc - I think it helps to read, read, read - observe others' writing styles. It also gives you something to do and talk about with others to form friendships - you might want to join a book club.

 

Good luck in your quest - let us know how you're doing.

[Midnight Magic]

I too have had weight problems my whole life and it was a disaster.

No friends in high school, not even a date, no one to go to the prom with.

That really hurt.

I moved to the city and worked at several jobs to buy the material things in life, the house the car, and things to make up for not having someone to love.

I finally turned to people the wrong people to find love and affection, these people were alcoholics, drug addicts, and gamblers,and men who would beat the living crap out of me on a daily basis, men who I trusted too much. I ended up losing my house and vehicle and credit to a bunch of deadbeats, what the hell was I thinking. I had a bank account that was awesome. But I lost it all, I was suicidal, I had so much and now it was all gone down the drain and I had nothing to show for it.

It was not until I got into trouble with the law that I turned my life around. I attempted to steal alcohol from the liquor store so that I could give it to the b/f so that he would pass out and not beat me up. The court threw out my case after I explained how I was living. After a very nice probation officer helped changed my life around.

 

Now the present is pretty good, I have a good job finally. I have another house, and I do have a boyfriend. He is 6"2 and weighs 185 and I am 5'5 and weigh about 270, yes I am overweight. I never thought that I would find anyone to love me.

But there are people out there that see people for who they really are. And you too will find some one who will.

My boyfriend even tho he loves me refuses to marry me or have kids with me and that is what I desperately want, but I guess I will sacrifice that, because he treats me well and is a good provider when he can.

 

I guess we all have to make the most of what we have. There are times when I feel hurt because I would make a great mother, and he knows that, but he is very careful not to get me pregnant and that really hurts. His family is on his case to get him to marry me and get me pregnant, but he is not budging at all, so I have to settle with that, as much as it hurts.

 

As I tell people I am not a fat person, I am a person that is fat. Get it right. I am a person before I am anything else.

 

I really and truly feel for you, we are both in a similar situation, and I know myself I will be questioning my decisions for the rest of my life.

You will be in my thoughts.

[lisapisa]

Hi,

I'm so sorry about what's happening in your marriage. You have waited it out for a long, long time. I'm not a professional but you have many issues to deal with. Start with some small steps. If you can, start seeing a counselor on your own. Many will charge a nominal fee or if your husband has health insurance, see if it offers an EAP component. Also, start preparing for a career. Try to find a job, any job, to get you out of the house, among other people and more financially independent. Anything is a start. You can't change it all at once, but if you have a job and are talking this over with a pro, maybe you can start making other changes along the way. You cannot worry about someone who is not willing to change. You have the power to change YOUR life. You are still young and anything is possible. I wish you happiness and courage.

[sumdude]

My husband is now on a fixed income (he became crippled in a car accident) and I had to take a big cut in pay recently in order to keep my job.

 

Sounds like both you and your huband have serious self image and self esteem issues. Don't think that men necessarily deal that much better with weight issues than women. Obviously it's him, and it's you and now he's not even a complete man after this accident. He must be in a lot of pain as well. I have no real advice I guess just observation. There are ways to deal with your wieght. There are a variety of medical procedures, some more intense than others. Some reversible, some not. From your post I can see that your weight is the ruling factor in your life, whether you deny it or not. Do something about it.

[lisapisa]

Hi Midnight Magic,

 

I want you to know that I was not fat in high school. I was beautiful and shy and I didn't go to one dance or have a boyfriend. Then in college and after, I dated the wrong guys and I think I've married one. I blame (but forgive) my parents for never sitting me down and saying, hey, this is what to avoid in men, these are the rules you set, etc. etc. I guess they thought I was smart and would know this stuff. I didn't. I've been told I'm ugly and beautiful by different men on the same night, so I don't understand men. I think some are insecure, so they put you down. Beauty has gotten me nowhere. Anyway, I wish you luck in dealing with your weight. You sound like a smart person. I think you are still settling with this boyfriend who won't marry you. Please do not get pregnant with him. That would be a huge mistake. If he can't commit to you, he can't commit to you and a child. I'm not saying break up with him, but take care of yourself. Deal with the weight issue and keep your eyes open for other opportunities, friends, and male friends. I hope that eventually, you will find the man you deserve and will be happy. Everyone needs someone to love them unconditionally. I wish that for us all!

[advice]

I would offer you a couple pieces of advice...

 

First, people are attracted to energy. They are attracted to self-confidence and positive attitudes. I know that it is difficult to feel those types of feelings when you are feeling down. So don't sit around and wait for those feelings to just come to you. They are not likely come on their own. I would recommend that you practice being a person that is happy, positive and excited about life regardless of whether you are really feeling that or not. I say that because feelings follow behavior. If we wait around to do something only after we get the right feeling, we will wait a lifetime because feelings come as a response to action. Stay positive, act happy, be enthusiastic and you will start to feel good about yourself again.

 

Secondly, sex alone doesn't bring happiness. So don't waist your time and thoughts with the idea of an affair or one night stands, etc. The happiness that comes from sex is a result of the deep emotional connections that bring you to event...not the sex itself. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can share it with someone else. Therefore, using someone else just for sex isn't going to make you feel better or bring any additional fulfillment to your life.

 

I hope I don't sound to harse. I understand your pain and I truly feel for you. But I really think you should try to work on your self-esteem by being actively positive and enthusiastic in your life. I truly believe that if you work on this over time, happiness will find you and your life will become more fulfilling. You may be amazed on how much this will rub off on other parts of your life...including your relationship with your husband and your current situation.

[lisapisa]

I think that the advice to be more positive is right on target. Not an easy fix, but one that will work over time. I always think of military people, when you ask them how they are they say "Outstanding!" That's a good way to think.