I Told (Again) Why do I feel guilty?

[jj33]

THose of you who have seen my prior threads will know the A ended more than 2 years ago. He refuses to stick to any sort of NC even limited contact as necessary for work (we work in separate companies that work closely together).

 

I had reported him to his company on several occasions and got no joy. I recently did so again but on much stronger terms.

 

I know I had no other choice but why do I feel so guilty?

 

Despite everything despite the fact that someone who truly cared about me would talk to me rather than pulling my pigtails in 555 different ways. He would say I miss you my own tangled emotions are driving me crazy. He wouldnt provoke me and play mind games with me.

 

Still a part of me feels really guilty. He must have been so upset, his feelings must be so hurt that I would go to such lengths not to speak to him etc etc etc.

 

I know that objectively I should not feel guilty. I also know (knowing him as I do) that he is probably thinking what is wrong with her, I was just being friendly why is she doing this to me. Its all ancient history. What is wrong with her.

 

I dont know what to do with myself. If he would only have talked to me instead of pretending it was OK to just contact me when I asked him not to or that he would have been honest with me rather than playing games with me.

 

I just dont know anymore.

[jwi71]

THose of you who have seen my prior threads will know the A ended more than 2 years ago. He refuses to stick to any sort of NC even limited contact as necessary for work (we work in separate companies that work closely together).

 

I had reported him to his company on several occasions and got no joy. I recently did so again but on much stronger terms.

 

I know I had no other choice but why do I feel so guilty?

 

Despite everything despite the fact that someone who truly cared about me would talk to me rather than pulling my pigtails in 555 different ways. He would say I miss you my own tangled emotions are driving me crazy. He wouldnt provoke me and play mind games with me.

 

Still a part of me feels really guilty. He must have been so upset, his feelings must be so hurt that I would go to such lengths not to speak to him etc etc etc.

 

I know that objectively I should not feel guilty. I also know (knowing him as I do) that he is probably thinking what is wrong with her, I was just being friendly why is she doing this to me. Its all ancient history. What is wrong with her.

 

I dont know what to do with myself. If he would only have talked to me instead of pretending it was OK to just contact me when I asked him not to or that he would have been honest with me rather than playing games with me.

 

I just dont know anymore.

 

You feel guilty for "hurting" one you care about.

But you didn't do this. He did. I know your brain hears it, but your heart isn't paying any attention. The bond is still there.

 

You know, a radical change in venue...you know my story and the impossible choice I made. IT CAN BE DONE.

 

Just sayin'

[jj33]

Thanks JW. For the first time ever I am now open to the idea of a radical change of location but i have to figure out how and when etc.

 

Im not ready to give him that much power especially when he is so close to retirement. And cant think of where I would go or how I would start over. I hate the idea that he would drive me to this.

 

I have to believe that I will find a way to get past this so that his provocations will be like water off a ducks back.

[fooled once]

THose of you who have seen my prior threads will know the A ended more than 2 years ago. He refuses to stick to any sort of NC even limited contact as necessary for work (we work in separate companies that work closely together).

 

I had reported him to his company on several occasions and got no joy. I recently did so again but on much stronger terms.

 

I know I had no other choice but why do I feel so guilty?

 

Despite everything despite the fact that someone who truly cared about me would talk to me rather than pulling my pigtails in 555 different ways. He would say I miss you my own tangled emotions are driving me crazy. He wouldnt provoke me and play mind games with me.

 

Still a part of me feels really guilty. He must have been so upset, his feelings must be so hurt that I would go to such lengths not to speak to him etc etc etc.

 

I know that objectively I should not feel guilty. I also know (knowing him as I do) that he is probably thinking what is wrong with her, I was just being friendly why is she doing this to me. Its all ancient history. What is wrong with her.

 

I dont know what to do with myself. If he would only have talked to me instead of pretending it was OK to just contact me when I asked him not to or that he would have been honest with me rather than playing games with me.

 

I just dont know anymore.

 

jj ((hugs))

 

help me out here - what is he doing? Contacting you after you asked him to ONLY contact you in regards to business?

[califnan]

JJ, I really feel for you that you must work closely with him - as your profession and livelihood depend on it ..

 

When someone has wronged you and you ask for NC, you have every right to expect it .. If he cannot handle continuing to work with you on a Professional basis - what are you to do ..

 

In a prev thread, it was noticeable that to him, the world revolves around him - and anything goes ... With all the warnings and his continuance to bug you - what would Any businessman expect..

[jj33]

Thanks Califnan. Fooled I asked him to limit contact to business. So he started sending me a stream of questions relating to my business.... now my business is MY business. Limiting contact to business means you contact me when you must not you can contact me so long as the topic is business related in some way or another.

 

I dont want to say too much on a public forum but the questions were intrusive and designed to provoke and are things that are issues for me and none of his business.

 

However because our companies do business together I have to read each email because one of them MIGHT be business related and necessitate a response.

[jj33]

And the thing I simply dont understnad is WHY

 

Is he that much of a child that knowing I dont want any contact with him he would continue to do this just to upset me? Who does that?

 

It would be one thing if he said Im so very sorry etc but he doesnt. He doesnt even realize what he has done that is so wrong. If he did he would leave me alone

[fooled once]

Thanks Califnan. Fooled I asked him to limit contact to business. So he started sending me a stream of questions relating to my business.... now my business is MY business. Limiting contact to business means you contact me when you must not you can contact me so long as the topic is business related in some way or another.

 

I dont want to say too much on a public forum but the questions were intrusive and designed to provoke and are things that are issues for me and none of his business.

 

However because our companies do business together I have to read each email because one of them MIGHT be business related and necessitate a response.

 

I understand not wanting to say too much .. and I appreciate that. Never know what kinds of NUT jobs are on here

 

I guess you have to be more specific as in "Douche face, do not contact me unless you have any business questions relating to us doing professional business together...if you can't understand that, go to your boss and ask him what that means".

 

Idiot.

And the thing I simply dont understnad is WHY

 

Is he that much of a child that knowing I dont want any contact with him he would continue to do this just to upset me? Who does that?

 

It would be one thing if he said Im so very sorry etc but he doesnt. He doesnt even realize what he has done that is so wrong. If he did he would leave me alone

 

He is pissed you have taken away his toy (you) and won't play with him. Plus, he has a God complex and feels he can do whatever he wants.

[jj33]

Thanks Fooled. I have I spelled it out for him in a polite manner and when that was met with more contact I even went so far as to say why please just leave me alone.

 

It really bugs me that his colleagues have not been concerned enough to tell him look this could impact OUR wallets. She called us in tears. What the h*ll are you doing man?

[jwi71]

Thanks JW. For the first time ever I am now open to the idea of a radical change of location but i have to figure out how and when etc.

 

Its an option. And, believe me, not an easy one.

Hard. As. Hell.

And now, I'm glad I did.

 

Im not ready to give him that much power especially when he is so close to retirement.

 

He already has it.

And wields it to great affect I might add.

The thing is JJ, you can't control him. You've been reasonable, you've been bitchy, you've outed him, you've contacted his partners...you've done everything you could to dissuade him. I'd say "sue him" but you can't sue him for being a childish dick with wounded pride.

Or maybe you can...wth, we've seen crazier get to court.

 

I do NOT see him changing in regards to you. I don;t think there is ANYTHING that ends this. I bet it gets WORSE in retirement (you'll be his hobby).

 

And cant think of where I would go or how I would start over. I hate the idea that he would drive me to this.

 

I have to believe that I will find a way to get past this so that his provocations will be like water off a ducks back.

 

Maybe, but I have my doubts. Not about you but rather your ability to affect change in someone you can't hurt or dissuade from continuing this.

 

I'm running out of ideas that are legal.

Or that don't involve the nuclear option.

What are you passionate about? Maybe start there....

[califnan]

And the thing I simply dont understnad is WHY

 

Is he that much of a child that knowing I dont want any contact with him he would continue to do this just to upset me? Who does that?

 

It would be one thing if he said Im so very sorry etc but he doesnt. He doesnt even realize what he has done that is so wrong. If he did he would leave me alone

 

------------------

 

It sounds as if he is frustrated and needles you because he knows he can .. A selfish man who does't know wrong?

 

Have you thought of answering his comments, responses with adding info about your bus service/product .. So what if it isn't related.

 

Seems like JJ, you can either ignore his unbusiness related communication or divert the discussion?

[jj33]

JW Riddle me this - why are his business partners not concerned about the potential fall out.

 

Why arent they saying Yo! You obviously cant contorl your women clean up your act!

[jj33]

You would think I would be a dangerous commodity to be upsetting

 

I send a lot of moolah their way (or did in the past)

 

I was upset enough to tell them

 

I was upset enough to cry on the phone

 

Whos to say I wont be upset enough to look at other options? Like a harrassment suit of some sort. I wouldnt but they dont know that. Its clear that my patience for his antics has worn very very thin.

[califnan]

JJ, In ref to the bus partners .. Easier said than done, but if you could try to not include them in this .. Ignore his anti-business comments, don't include them in your personal..

 

They may see more than you know, let them form their own conclusions ... While you show your strength..

[jwi71]

JW Riddle me this - why are his business partners not concerned about the potential fall out.

 

Why arent they saying Yo! You obviously cant contorl your women clean up your act!

 

My first and instinctual reaction: you are not a threat to them.

 

If they perceived you as such, they would take action to contain this. But they haven't.

 

And I bet its for all the reasons discussed in the past...the fallout affects YOU more than they. So you have a fine line to walk. And they know it.

 

Or maybe they did say that and he basically said "Silly girl with no real power to do anything". And how right are they in that assessment?

 

In any case, I still think they don't act because they perceive no real threat to them.

 

How do we change this perception?

[califnan]

You would think I would be a dangerous commodity to be upsetting

 

I send a lot of moolah their way (or did in the past)

 

I was upset enough to tell them

 

I was upset enough to cry on the phone

 

Whos to say I wont be upset enough to look at other options? Like a harrassment suit of some sort. I wouldnt but they dont know that. Its clear that my patience for his antics has worn very very thin.

 

-------------------

 

I'd be more inclined to replace the suit - with thoughts of How you can Replace him/them in your business ..

[jj33]

The problem is the same for them as it is for me. I would never say bad things about them in the market but they dont know what kinds of opportunities they may LOSE by not having me on side.

 

And my profile is rising and that is in part I think what has put him into action and what will annoy him more as my profile rises he is not "part of the inner circle".

 

If things go the way I hope they do, at a certain point he may feel compelled to come to me (Godfather forgive me) because he wont want to be out of the game. This is my hope. Its the only hope.

 

That being said I dont know what they will do or have done. Silence for an extended period of time will tell me that they did something.

[jj33]

Thanks Califnan. I have done that to the extent possible but the decision is often not up to me. I cant tell others who to do business with and cant badmouth them. And they do have some unique products that until others develop them I will have to work with them sometimes.

[awkward]

He misses interacting with you. Any response from you is still a response. He acts innocent and talks like it is innocent, but he knows that it is not innocent. He knows it's a game. Maybe he just can't stop. Maybe he doesn't have any self control.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't let him convince you that it is all ancient history. He would start up in a New York minute if you were willing.

[jj33]

Thanks awkward. the funny thing is a few months ago i said something about missing him (not about starting up again but just that i missed the way we used to get along so well) and he dismissed it like and said i shouldnt bring up the past it was over.

 

He has been scrupulous about never mentioning anything personal whatsoever. If anyone read his emails they would say what are you complaining about they are all related in some way to business.

 

The thing is they arent necessary. If he were still my close ally yes we would trade emails about what was going on workwise etc etc. But at this point I just dont want to deal with him at all unless we are doing something for a customer and must interact.

 

And if once just once he had said i miss you can we talk none of this would be an issue. The thing that gets me is he makes it all about work so if i dont respond he accuses me of being unprofessoinal. And that is juts nonsense.

[awkward]

And if once just once he had said i miss you can we talk none of this would be an issue. The thing that gets me is he makes it all about work so if i dont respond he accuses me of being unprofessoinal. And that is juts nonsense.

 

He isn't going to ask to talk b/c then it wouldn't look innocent. He knows what he is doing. He almost even has you convinced, but not quite. You are to smart for his game. He's good but not that good.

 

It really is just about maintaining contact with you. Even if it illicits a negative response.

[jj33]

So then what is he waiting for? For me to break down and say please please I love you I cant take this anymore its too painful to be in touch with you and not be your doormat? Please have me back on any terms?

[awkward]

So then what is he waiting for? For me to break down and say please please I love you I cant take this anymore its too painful to be in touch with you and not be your doormat? Please have me back on any terms?

 

As long as they are HIS terms.

 

If he didn't care then he would end contact to just necessary business contact. In order to play this game, he has to be invested.

 

You have the power here, not him. It probably pisses him off too.

Edited June 16, 2010 by awkward

[jj33]

Yes that is what I thought - he must still care on some level.

 

So the question is if he cares why is he being so mean and why isnt he simply saying look I know I shouldnt still care but I do or something normal instead of conjuring up reasons to contact me and waste my time and energy.

[califnan]

Thanks awkward. the funny thing is a few months ago i said something about missing him (not about starting up again but just that i missed the way we used to get along so well) and he dismissed it like and said i shouldnt bring up the past it was over.

 

He has been scrupulous about never mentioning anything personal whatsoever. If anyone read his emails they would say what are you complaining about they are all related in some way to business.

 

The thing is they arent necessary. If he were still my close ally yes we would trade emails about what was going on workwise etc etc. But at this point I just dont want to deal with him at all unless we are doing something for a customer and must interact.

 

And if once just once he had said i miss you can we talk none of this would be an issue. The thing that gets me is he makes it all about work so if i dont respond he accuses me of being unprofessoinal. And that is juts nonsense.

 

---------------------

 

You are having a hard time in responding to all of his 'business' emails, because many are unnecessary .. and actually he is just Using them to stay in contact with you? Do you think he is complaining to others that he isn't being answered by you, as he wishes?

 

So would it infuriate him if you told him you have been extremely busy, appologize, and only answer all of his impertinant emails at a specific time each day?