I think I'm a loner; I just can't keep friends

[Ninia]

I know most ppl have the impression that loners are people who are shy, reserved, and odd. Well I don't consider myself shy and most ppl who know me would agree, I am also extremely outgoing I don't care who you are what you do if I'm bored enough I'll start a random conversation. I just want to have good friends I like people, and I am most definitely not afraid of people. But for some reason I have a problem with friends I don't make they easy, and when I do they usually disappear. All my life I don't ever recall having a close friend for more then a few months the longest friendship I had was about eight month I believe.

 

So I ask a few ppl I knew what they thought of me, and the majority of them said they thought I was mean and stuck up when they first saw me (i get that a lot). But even after knowing me they still act like strangers it is as though they'll talk to me while there's nobody else around, but once someone else come they start sucking up to them. I had a few girls in the past who upon meeting them they would blow up my phone with text and phone calls through out the day, and after a few wk sometimes months they just somewhat disappear. I am not the kind of person whose going to call someone everyday or even ask them why they don't calling because I have this (I don't care attitude). It's like I'm just not ment to fit in with other's no matter how nice I play (see this is why I can't stand the human race sometimes).

 

 

For example, there was this girl who I met in class and she seem so eager to be my friend and stuff we exchange numbers and stuff. This girl would call me three to four times a day we started going shopping and we even attend church together a few times, and then out the blues she just stop calling me. I called her once to chat and notice that she didnt call me the next day or the day after that, so I just simply left her alone I don't want to be a weight on anyone's shoulders. And then there's this other girl who I use to do everything with everyone thought her and I were bff others even thought we were sister's or cousin. We went shopping and even got a job at the same place, but then it seems like she was just using me because all her other friends ditch her. This girl would flirt with the other guys at work and ask them to tell her who was prettier between here and I. I soon figure she wasn't my cup of tea so I distance myself from her.

 

 

I can't seem to make good friends they either see me as a threat and drop me or they try to compete with me. A lot of girls are intimidate by me because I am pretty, but it's like they don't want me to think I'm pretty so I dont fluent it. And also I have a nice car, I dress nice, and I have expensive brand name cloths and purses. What wrong with me people if you need more detail's please ask and I'll be more specific, but I don't know why I can't make and keep friends

[Ninia]

Nice how I have 14 veiws and no reply I guess I'm a loner online too it must be a cursed.

[whichwayisup]

What about what's on the inside? Do you let people in? Get close to you?

 

It is possible you're giving off a certain type of energy. The "I don't care, I can't be bothered" thing.

[hpblah]

Hey,

 

I'm not too sure as to what i should say, perhaps, your trying a bit hard? Do you get all tense when around others? You could try extra curricular classes, or youth clubs?

 

I kinda have had a similar problem to you, i met this guy a few years ago and hes forced me to change everything, and made me cut half my friends out, now i have a problem with keeping friends,

 

you could also try speaking to a few more boys? Personally, i get along more with boys than girls, you wont have the problem of being too pretty either, just make it clear your intention is only of a friendship!

Edited June 16, 2010 by hpblah

[green_tea]

Hey don't worry about getting loads of views and few replies - that is very normal.

 

I've also been really close to female friends, and then fall out with them for whatever reason. I've had this a lot in my life - sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, just like you are questioning, but I think about how I've treated these people, and I feel like I've treated them really well. So I put it down to just bad luck - that I've just met people who have issues. I have a feeling these people think I am the one with issues - it's hard for people to see things from another point of view. I could have kept these friendships, but I didn't see the point. I would rather be alone than have difficult friends.

 

Sorry this probably wasn't very helpful.

[Peter Attis]

There's nothing wrong with being a loner. People suck.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I know most ppl have the impression that loners are people who are shy, reserved, and odd. Well I don't consider myself shy and most ppl who know me would agree, I am also extremely outgoing I don't care who you are what you do if I'm bored enough I'll start a random conversation. I just want to have good friends I like people, and I am most definitely not afraid of people. But for some reason I have a problem with friends I don't make they easy, and when I do they usually disappear. All my life I don't ever recall having a close friend for more then a few months the longest friendship I had was about eight month I believe.

 

So I ask a few ppl I knew what they thought of me, and the majority of them said they thought I was mean and stuck up when they first saw me (i get that a lot). But even after knowing me they still act like strangers it is as though they'll talk to me while there's nobody else around, but once someone else come they start sucking up to them. I had a few girls in the past who upon meeting them they would blow up my phone with text and phone calls through out the day, and after a few wk sometimes months they just somewhat disappear. I am not the kind of person whose going to call someone everyday or even ask them why they don't calling because I have this (I don't care attitude). It's like I'm just not ment to fit in with other's no matter how nice I play (see this is why I can't stand the human race sometimes).

 

 

For example, there was this girl who I met in class and she seem so eager to be my friend and stuff we exchange numbers and stuff. This girl would call me three to four times a day we started going shopping and we even attend church together a few times, and then out the blues she just stop calling me. I called her once to chat and notice that she didnt call me the next day or the day after that, so I just simply left her alone I don't want to be a weight on anyone's shoulders. And then there's this other girl who I use to do everything with everyone thought her and I were bff others even thought we were sister's or cousin. We went shopping and even got a job at the same place, but then it seems like she was just using me because all her other friends ditch her. This girl would flirt with the other guys at work and ask them to tell her who was prettier between here and I. I soon figure she wasn't my cup of tea so I distance myself from her.

 

 

I can't seem to make good friends they either see me as a threat and drop me or they try to compete with me. A lot of girls are intimidate by me because I am pretty, but it's like they don't want me to think I'm pretty so I dont fluent it. And also I have a nice car, I dress nice, and I have expensive brand name cloths and purses. What wrong with me people if you need more detail's please ask and I'll be more specific, but I don't know why I can't make and keep friends

 

You do kind of come off as a bit materialistic no offence meant but maybe your attracting users because of this? im a very giving person I like to help others over myself.

 

As a result I have found that leaves me open to users big time! its like they have dam radar or something especially women!

 

Ive never had good luck with keeping women friends the only ones Ive kept for any length of time have been men less bs then women trust me.

 

Your not alone I have a few good old friends guys I keep in touch with from back home via phone now and then.

 

But other then that I have zero real life ones and I kind of like it that way least im no ones door mat and I don't get used anymore so its a win win for me.

[OldEurope]

It may be a couple of things, not at all unhealthy:

 

1. You are a work in progress, so to speak. You feel yourself constantly growing and changing from within and therefore certain friendships tend to grow "stale", to reach the limit of their shelf life. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I know that I am always trying to improve certain aspects of myself while others whom I've known for a while just become "stuck"--they do not grow in any way. You cannot be expected to feel a connection where there simply isn't one.

 

2. You are a less-is-more type. I am this as well. I have always been baffled/impressed/confused by people who claim to have "dozens" of friends. I myself just could not keep up. I haven't the time or the emotional energy to "take care" of so many. In my friendships I like profondity--not just shopping partners or friends to gossip with--but people with whom I can really talk about the nitty gritty of existence, history, politics, past, present, future. Not all people are so "intellectually" inclined and that can feel empty.

 

3. You've been burned in the past. It might have happened that you opened up to a friend and later had whatever you confessed thrown back at you in the form of a criticism/personal comment. These things sting and do not easily heal. When it happens a few times, then of course you will be wary about giving yourself emotionally to others.

 

4. You are truly an independent personality. You just do not want to be "categorized". I am like this. I do not belong to any "circles", groups or communities of any sort---I am sort of a lone electron seeking her charge from other individuals, regardless of affiliations and identities. I was never, in school, part of any clique, for example. This made me somewhat withdrawn then, but today, as an adult, it makes me feel that I can "transcend" any "clique". It has allowed me to make, for example, friends from different countries, cultures....what have you.

 

5. You are a guy's girl. Always a bit of a problem. I have a small core group of women friends (about 4), whom I do not see all of the time. I adore them, and we click on all the right levels. However, what I am happy to have avoided with them--and what I will always want to avoid with lady friends--is to be tied to them like they are the source of my identity and support. Also, I just cannot stand the tendency of so many women to talk endlessly about "relationships" and to b*tch about men. It makes my skin crawl. Luckily, my friends and I don't sit in bars and share grievances, nor do we spend hours on the phone doing the same. I can't. I won't. Furthermore, in many ways I prefer the company of men because the range of topics they discuss is often "broader" than just the urgencies of the day, the hour. For example, I know that if I were the fifth character on the show "Sex and the City" and had to endure those gossipy, whiney, lunches of the other four, I would have long ago jumped off the Empire State Building. No, really.

 

6. You haven't met "The One" in terms of a true friend. Your "bored aloofness" might be for real. You just might not have yet found the right female friend with whom you share the right personality connection. This kind of thing takes time, but usually "Birds of a Feather" do tend to find each each other. A loner is someone on the search for his or her spiritual equal. That is all it is.

 

All in all, do not worry. That you see this as something you wish to change in your life is proof enough that you are eager to go out with and open heart and mind to find the friends you deserve.

 

OE

[beerman101]

It may be a couple of things, not at all unhealthy:

 

1. You are a work in progress, so to speak. You feel yourself constantly growing and changing from within and therefore certain friendships tend to grow "stale", to reach the limit of their shelf life. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I know that I am always trying to improve certain aspects of myself while others whom I've known for a while just become "stuck"--they do not grow in any way. You cannot be expected to feel a connection where there simply isn't one. ( I feel some people I know act like their 15 years old still or just always want to get drunk,stoned,etc) I will drink but im not trying to do it all the time).

 

2. You are a less-is-more type. I am this as well. I have always been baffled/impressed/confused by people who claim to have "dozens" of friends. I myself just could not keep up. I haven't the time or the emotional energy to "take care" of so many. In my friendships I like profondity--not just shopping partners or friends to gossip with--but people with whom I can really talk about the nitty gritty of existence, history, politics, past, present, future. Not all people are so "intellectually" inclined and that can feel empty. ( I agree it can be hard to keep up with so many people)

 

3. You've been burned in the past. It might have happened that you opened up to a friend and later had whatever you confessed thrown back at you in the form of a criticism/personal comment. These things sting and do not easily heal. When it happens a few times, then of course you will be wary about giving yourself emotionally to others. (Hugh Check)

 

4. You are truly an independent personality. You just do not want to be "categorized". I am like this. I do not belong to any "circles", groups or communities of any sort---I am sort of a lone electron seeking her charge from other individuals, regardless of affiliations and identities. I was never, in school, part of any clique, for example. This made me somewhat withdrawn then, but today, as an adult, it makes me feel that I can "transcend" any "clique". It has allowed me to make, for example, friends from different countries, cultures....what have you.

 

5. You are a guy's girl. Always a bit of a problem. I have a small core group of women friends (about 4), whom I do not see all of the time. I adore them, and we click on all the right levels. However, what I am happy to have avoided with them--and what I will always want to avoid with lady friends--is to be tied to them like they are the source of my identity and support. Also, I just cannot stand the tendency of so many women to talk endlessly about "relationships" and to b*tch about men. It makes my skin crawl. Luckily, my friends and I don't sit in bars and share grievances, nor do we spend hours on the phone doing the same. I can't. I won't. Furthermore, in many ways I prefer the company of men because the range of topics they discuss is often "broader" than just the urgencies of the day, the hour. For example, I know that if I were the fifth character on the show "Sex and the City" and had to endure those gossipy, whiney, lunches of the other four, I would have long ago jumped off the Empire State Building. No, really.

 

6. You haven't met "The One" in terms of a true friend. Your "bored aloofness" might be for real. You just might not have yet found the right female friend with whom you share the right personality connection. This kind of thing takes time, but usually "Birds of a Feather" do tend to find each each other. A loner is someone on the search for his or her spiritual equal. That is all it is.

 

All in all, do not worry. That you see this as something you wish to change in your life is proof enough that you are eager to go out with and open heart and mind to find the friends you deserve.

 

OE

 

I agree with many of their points,maybe there also some small things the rub people the wrong way. It can be hard in general to get accepted in to a group and people do tend to lose touch. A lot of times it's chance. I think you have the qualities to have 1-3 very strong friendships if you click with the right person.

 

I keep to myself a lot,at times I really value alone time and enjoy doing stuff by myself. One of my friends really things I am fu_king odd and rude. I'm also very nice and I agree it's like people have radar,it makes me have to keep my distance with certain people. I value my friendship but many things I rather just do alone . If it I don't time to myself I'm gonna angry and might come of as an *******. It's like sometimes it just need to recharge my battery by having time to myself.

 

Girls can be very petty,jealous and emotional so they argue over nonsense Not all them but there definitely is a big amount like that. A friend mind said that females don't have close friends maybe 1 or 2,they have acquaintances but not that friend who like a brother or sister. I did notice a lot of females in fit in to that mold. One girl I know she has 2-3 close friends but one of them they are always have a love hate relationship.

[BeautifulTragedy]

I know most ppl have the impression that loners are people who are shy, reserved, and odd. Well I don't consider myself shy and most ppl who know me would agree, I am also extremely outgoing I don't care who you are what you do if I'm bored enough I'll start a random conversation. I just want to have good friends I like people, and I am most definitely not afraid of people. But for some reason I have a problem with friends I don't make they easy, and when I do they usually disappear. All my life I don't ever recall having a close friend for more then a few months the longest friendship I had was about eight month I believe.

 

So I ask a few ppl I knew what they thought of me, and the majority of them said they thought I was mean and stuck up when they first saw me (i get that a lot). But even after knowing me they still act like strangers it is as though they'll talk to me while there's nobody else around, but once someone else come they start sucking up to them. I had a few girls in the past who upon meeting them they would blow up my phone with text and phone calls through out the day, and after a few wk sometimes months they just somewhat disappear. I am not the kind of person whose going to call someone everyday or even ask them why they don't calling because I have this (I don't care attitude). It's like I'm just not ment to fit in with other's no matter how nice I play (see this is why I can't stand the human race sometimes).

 

 

For example, there was this girl who I met in class and she seem so eager to be my friend and stuff we exchange numbers and stuff. This girl would call me three to four times a day we started going shopping and we even attend church together a few times, and then out the blues she just stop calling me. I called her once to chat and notice that she didnt call me the next day or the day after that, so I just simply left her alone I don't want to be a weight on anyone's shoulders. And then there's this other girl who I use to do everything with everyone thought her and I were bff others even thought we were sister's or cousin. We went shopping and even got a job at the same place, but then it seems like she was just using me because all her other friends ditch her. This girl would flirt with the other guys at work and ask them to tell her who was prettier between here and I. I soon figure she wasn't my cup of tea so I distance myself from her.

 

 

I can't seem to make good friends they either see me as a threat and drop me or they try to compete with me. A lot of girls are intimidate by me because I am pretty, but it's like they don't want me to think I'm pretty so I dont fluent it. And also I have a nice car, I dress nice, and I have expensive brand name cloths and purses. What wrong with me people if you need more detail's please ask and I'll be more specific, but I don't know why I can't make and keep friends

 

I'm going through just about everything you're going through. I mean it seems to be hard for me to keep a single friend too. Well the only thing is I've been moving since the age of 8, and making friends is of course going to be hard for me from moving place to place all the time.

 

But right now I feel that I'm not connecting with anyone here. I've been here for a year, and it seems that even saying hi and starting a random conversation isn't going to get me far this time. Usually I can at least connect with the boys because I'm sort of tomboyish myself. But I can't even connect with them. It just seems that people suck these days, and really they are always judging. I mean I wish I could have just a friend to converse with every once in awhile, but besides that I normally keep to myself because that's how it's been for me all my life. Just it seems that people including friends come and go. So I guess in these days it's alright to be a loner.

[zengirl]

I used to have this problem when I was younger (end of college/beginning of post-college), before I moved abroad. I hope I won't have it again when I move back, but I definitely empathize with some of what you've said.

 

I had friends, and I still count 2 or so good, real, lasting friendships (girls I'll stay in touch with and know, wherever I go in the world and wherever they go) from then, and I hope I've found more of those abroad, here, even if those people won't be present in my life day-to-day. But so many of my friendships were shallow and terrible, and then the girls would say terrible things about me, ignore me, etc.

 

I am not so much a guy's girl. I have some male friends but more close female friends, and my only close male friends are/were the mates of my female friends. (I've had other close male friends, but both times, we wound up dating, and that's an issue all its own.) But I think some of these are just challenges a lot of women, who are insecure, bring to friendships. Most of my close female friends all claim to be guys' girls. So I'm a guys' girls' girl, I guess.

 

I think real, lasting friendships get easier as you get older, more assured of who you are, happier, and pursue your interests. I tend to try to join groups to explore my interests, which means I meet people who have similar passions, interests, and mindsets. We're interested in each other more.

 

Also, I note a tinge of rejection-fear in that "I'm not going to call them again, I don't care" statement of yours. I used to have rejection-fear. Someone would forget to phone me, and I'd take it personally, as some sort of rejection. Sometimes it's just life. Maybe something happened. I'm not saying call people over and over, but if someone really is a friend, and they just didn't call you back after you called once, maybe send an email too. Or maybe these people felt like they couldn't get through your outer shell. Or maybe they just really are after shallow friends. There's no knowing.

 

Be happy. Explore your interests. Be a good friend to people you meet. I hope things get better.

[harmfulsweetz]

The first thing I picked up on, was the fact that you talk about it like it's a game almost-"how nice I play" etc. It's not. You shouldn't play nice with people if that's not who you are.

 

Did you ask them why they thought you were stuck up and mean? People sometimes give off vibes which make others keep their distance, and are always on their guard. I know people I would say were rude and mean, but yet, they weren't necessarily nasty people, just not my cup of tea because of the way they said things, their mannerisms etc, made me uncomfortable and prevented me from seeing them as anything but an acquaintance. I think sometimes people don't always know how to take other people-while you may say something that to you, isn't offensive or anything, they may take that the way it wasn't intended.

 

We've all had girl friends who are very much part-time, and only stick around when it benefits them. I believe most people are also guilty of such an act, I know I have been in the past unintentionally.

 

Lasting friendships are built on trust, mutual respect, loyalty, common ground/interests, etc. These things are tough to build up. I have one friend I would classify as my best friend, and a friend for life because we have those things. It's tricky, but good, real, true friendships don't come overnight. I've been friends with this girl for ten years, it does take time. There's been times when we barely see each other, but it doesn't seem to faze our friendship.

 

You do come off quite stuck up, and materialistic, which may be why people avoid getting close to you, or you attract the wrong sort of friend. The best way to make friends is to join an activity group thing, and find people who share similar interests to you. And go from there. Start slow, don't play nice, be nice because you want to be, because it's genuine, not just a ploy to get others to like you. Fake people are so easy to spot it's unreal.

 

If you give off a vibe that you don't care, the other person will stop caring too. The most important thing in a friendship is knowing that you both care for each other, and value their friendship. Give off the vibe that you don't, they'll sharp delete you from their life.

[jean-luc sisko]

in adulthood, lonerdom (so to speak) is largely about choice or the inability to make friends.

 

No adult, to my mind (at least one that frankly is mentally healthy) would label others as to weird to hang out with.

 

Think positive. The key is to open up to people.