PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Hey, I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. He's 20 and I'm 19. He's also my first boyfriend. Okay, so we met at college and started dating. Here he was so affectionate and nice, always fun and smiling and wanting to do things. When we weren't together for a long period of time, he and I would communicate via texting and facebook and occasionally skype if the time away was long enough (a month). Summer came, and he moved back up to his hometown (2 hours away). We talked about plans to visit each other but then he told me they wouldn't work out. Now we do talk every day to every other day but our conversations consist of about three sentences: "Hey. How are you?" "Good, you?" "Good." In the beginning, I tried to hold a conversation with him but he'd always answer with one-word sentences and long pauses and sometimes not at all. I got really upset over this but lived with it for a while until recently. I finally talked with him and confronted him about this. He said (in a nutshell) "I am terrible in long distance relationships and I do not do good with them. I do not like talking online, that's why I do not say much." We talked for a little bit (the most I've talked to him all summer, even if you put all our little talks together) and he said "I'm sorry, but I cannot change this. If this is something you think will cause you more grief than anything else and you dont want it then you can always break up with me I guess..." And then later he added "I'm suggesting you do what's right for you." I kept asking him if he cared about me as his girlfriend because if he did, I would suck it up, but if he didn't care, then it would be better to not be in a relationship where my partner didn't care that much about me, but he always avoided the answer and then logged off because he had to go to work. I do know he cares about me to some extent, but I'm so confused as to what's going on. I didn't know where else to turn to. Should I just stop being whiny and just deal with not having contact for the next two months or should I do something else? I care for this boy a great deal, but I just don't know what to do. Anything you can say about this would be really, really helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Hate to say it plumpudding, but it sounds like "he's just not enough into you." Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 I think it might be better if I went into detail, too. He said, copying and pasting: "Im suggesting you do whats right for you If you think we'd be better off as friends right now, Im ok with being your friend but Im not ok with you being all mad at me and there being nothing I can do to help and I would not be ok if you just ignored me forever but if you think me being a friend would be more helpful in you life right now I fully understand Less stress, it doesn't matter what happens between us and I can still help you with anything you want and you can talk to me about anything whenever but also, no dating" so I'm confused if he really cares about me, or he just doesn't care. My eyes are clouded by all this emotion so I can't judge that well so would like to hear what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 Hate to say it plumpudding, but it sounds like "he's just not enough into you." Thanks for your input. (despite the sad face I am grateful) Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 It almost sounds like he's trying to convince you to break up with him so he can avoid the dirty work. Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 It almost sounds like he's trying to convince you to break up with him so he can avoid the dirty work. agreed, It's just 2 hours honestly. It's not like 2 continents apart. How lazy can a guy get if he loves the girl? So, he's sadly not that into you. All of whatever he said are excuses to be honest. If you truly love the girl, you will try to adapt and improve. He seems like a kid who is trying to shirk off responsibility by letting you do the hard decisions and suffer the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 He's just trying to shift the guilt PlumPudding. He doesn't want to feel bad about breaking up with you, so he's trying to get you to do it. It's an old trick, and I'm guilty of attempting to use it in the past. But honestly, if he doesn't think your relationship is worth working for, why stay in it? Obviously, he doesn't like you enough to even really try to make things work. My boyfriend hates talking on the phone, but puts in effort because he wants to be with me and he knows it makes me happy. This guy isn't trying, and you know what? If he doesn't think your worth it, then why should you waste your time on him when you can have someone who does think you and your relationship is worth fighting for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 agreed, It's just 2 hours honestly. It's not like 2 continents apart. How lazy can a guy get if he loves the girl? So, he's sadly not that into you. All of whatever he said are excuses to be honest. If you truly love the girl, you will try to adapt and improve. He seems like a kid who is trying to shirk off responsibility by letting you do the hard decisions and suffer the consequences. He is really busy, too, though. He's got work (2 jobs) and a band he gigs with. And the one thing I don't understand is that he told me specifically before that if he was bored with me or didn't care for me, he would dump me right away. I'm his longest relationship besides one really unhealthy one. The other relationships have lasted 1 month only because he wasn't interested in them. So I'm confused as to why he'll put this on me instead of just cutting it clean like his past relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 He is really busy, too, though. He's got work (2 jobs) and a band he gigs with. And the one thing I don't understand is that he told me specifically before that if he was bored with me or didn't care for me, he would dump me right away. I'm his longest relationship besides one really unhealthy one. The other relationships have lasted 1 month only because he wasn't interested in them. So I'm confused as to why he'll put this on me instead of just cutting it clean like his past relationships. So what he has two jobs and a band (which by the way is just a hobby unless it's paying some serious cash). My boyfriend is graduating and has two jobs and in between those two jobs he always, and I mean ALWAYS finds time to talk to me. Even when he's dead tired from work, he'll come home and get on the phone with me for at least 10 minutes to just check in and see how my day was and how I'm doing. It's because he prioritizes me and our relationship. Now I'm not saying your boyfriend isn't that into you, but I can tell you from his actions that neither you or the relationship is a top priority for him. Remember actions are like bullhorns, and words only like whispers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 So what he has two jobs and a band (which by the way is just a hobby unless it's paying some serious cash). My boyfriend is graduating and has two jobs and in between those two jobs he always, and I mean ALWAYS finds time to talk to me. Even when he's dead tired from work, he'll come home and get on the phone with me for at least 10 minutes to just check in and see how my day was and how I'm doing. It's because he prioritizes me and our relationship. Now I'm not saying your boyfriend isn't that into you, but I can tell you from his actions that neither you or the relationship is a top priority for him. Remember actions are like bullhorns, and words only like whispers. Yeah, but I do understand that his band is REALLY important to him. I'm also in a band and I compose a lot of music so I understand him prioritizing his band (although I can't say it's the same with my priorities; he's above a lot). And to be honest, I've known I'm very low on his priority list for a long while now, actually. At the time I was okay with it because he still showed me he cared but now that those signs have vanished, it's made me upset. I don't necessarily like being at the bottom of his priorities, but it's been all right up till recently. Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 He is really busy, too, though. He's got work (2 jobs) and a band he gigs with. And the one thing I don't understand is that he told me specifically before that if he was bored with me or didn't care for me, he would dump me right away. I'm his longest relationship besides one really unhealthy one. The other relationships have lasted 1 month only because he wasn't interested in them. So I'm confused as to why he'll put this on me instead of just cutting it clean like his past relationships. I will echo that no matter how much he loves you, a relationship, much less a somewhat LDR with no communication will never survive as he is no longer focusing on you. I will always say that it is an excuse for any guy to see that he has no time to spare for the entire day. I have days when I literally work from morning to night, and yet I can squeeze out 10-20 minutes just for my SO so that she knows what I am doing. I could care little about his talk (which is little and poor), and his actions as echoed by Aerogirl87, shows that you are not part of his life. As much as I want to encourage you, this relationship is over. You are not anywhere near his priorities, and he is not suited for a relationship if he puts a band (hobby) above his girlfriend. Seriously. He is 20, and you are 19. Both of you still have a long way ahead of you. Don't waste your time with someone who cannot even put you in his top three priorities. It is hard to let go because it is your first love, but it will make you stronger. Good luck ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 You know that is really key. Physics is really important to my boyfriend. I mean, REALLY. His idea of a good time is working on a physics problem. It is his passion and future career. But I come before that. And he has demonstrated that to me over and over. And you really like your bf, so he comes before your music... so why is his music more important than you? D: Okay . . . so really I'm being shortchanged in this? I thought this was more normal. Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Okay . . . so really I'm being shortchanged in this? I thought this was more normal. Hardly normal. I adore my statistics work, to the point that I can do statistics from morning to night. Yet, when my wife asks me for something absolutely redundant and silly (for her interests), I can still put down my work (unless it is really urgent). We are not telling him to forsake his music. He must love it a lot. However, as a singer, he should know better that he needs to connect with the audience and that is through communication and continual renewal of social exchanges between band and fans. He is not doing it right with your relationship, and you are seriously shortchanged. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Okay . . . so really I'm being shortchanged in this? I thought this was more normal. Yes you really are being shortchanged. This is not normal, and he's not prioritizing you (you even said so yourself) so why stick around? If he wasn't doing it when you two were always around each other, he's not going to magically start doing it when your farther apart. Now I'm not doubting that he likes you, I think he does, but the question is does he like you enough? I think his actions have answered that clearly with a big NO. So it's up to you now to decide if you want to continue to be a second thought to this guy or leave and find someone who will make you one of their top concerns in life. Link to post Share on other sites
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 PlumPudding, I know right now it feels like you care about him so much more than he does about you. However, you both are still young. You have your future and career to think of. At this moment, I'm sure your bf isn't thinking about settling down and getting married soon. Being so young, you guys are not done exploring your full potential yet. For your bf, right now, finding himself might be most important thing -- as he is going to have to live with it for the rest of his life too. It's not surprising that this relationship -- or any relationship for that matter -- isn't high on his priority list. So, I agree with the other posters that this relationship doesn't look too good at the moment. Even if you move to his hometown to be with him, he is still going to spend a large amount of time on his hobbies and you are going to very feel neglected sooner or later. Maybe it's not that he doesn't care about you. He probably does -- but right now he feels he is young and free in the world and there are just so much to explore -- so much to do, so little time to fit it all in -- and it's just so hard to concentrate. (Lots of guys are like that when they're younger) He doesn't understand why you get mad at him all the time, because in his opinion, you should be doing the same thing -- explore, have fun, enjoy life. If he wants a relationship, he simply wants someone who he can have fun and have a good time with, not someone who weighs him down with commitments. In short, he is just not ready for that kind of serious and committed relationship that you want. I think the conflict right now comes from the fact that you want different things from a relationship, and if it were me, it would be best to just either 'do it casually' or be friends. It will be very, very hard for you no matter what you choose, because you obviously care a lot about him, but I'm afraid there isn't any other way. Wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 PP, I understand that there are people who REALLY suck at verbal phone communication. One-word replies is a bit much, IMO, but okay, let's give him the benefit of doubt of him being one of the extremists. Even with that said, I don't understand how it could be impossible to not see others for 3 months if you're 2 hours apart?? If he's so very bad at LDR, he should at least be putting effort into removing the distance (through visits) some of the time, y'know? Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 PP, I understand that there are people who REALLY suck at verbal phone communication. One-word replies is a bit much, IMO, but okay, let's give him the benefit of doubt of him being one of the extremists. Even with that said, I don't understand how it could be impossible to not see others for 3 months if you're 2 hours apart?? If he's so very bad at LDR, he should at least be putting effort into removing the distance (through visits) some of the time, y'know? Agreed, It actually made me quite angry because I have to plan so much in advance in order to see my SO (we are 2 continents apart) previously, and he cannot bother to even visit once for a simple 2 hour ride? What the #@%@#! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 17, 2010 Author Share Posted June 17, 2010 Well I finally got the guts to talk to him more about this, despite his reluctance. He said he is terrible in long-distance relationships and that he does not do them well. He hates talking online and that he hasn't even talked to his other friends (that live far away) since classes ended either. I think he does care for me, but it's going to be no contact until school starts back up again, basically, besides the four-sentence conversation. I have a lot of things that are stressing me right now outside of the relationship--the death of my stepfather that has thrown my mother into a really strange way of coping--among other things so he said he hates to be adding stress. He said he still cares for me as a girlfriend but if I need a friend right now instead he could just be a friend. So I know he cares, but this no-contact thing is pretty harsh. Yeah, like you said, he could try and visit me once and a while, so I am still a bit lost, actually. I have visited him before and I plan on visiting him at least once more this summer but so far he's not making any plans to come see me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 Yeah, like you said, he could try and visit me once and a while, so I am still a bit lost, actually. I have visited him before and I plan on visiting him at least once more this summer but so far he's not making any plans to come see me. Did you talk to him about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PlumPudding Posted June 18, 2010 Author Share Posted June 18, 2010 Did you talk to him about this? No I didn't. So I guess my next question is: How do I cope with a long distance relationship with no contact? I think he's coming down here to see his friends on Saturday (he didn't even tell me he was coming down yet) but I'll be out of town. Should I ask him upfront about meeting up at some time? Or will that annoy him because he "doesn't do" long distance? Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 No I didn't. So I guess my next question is: How do I cope with a long distance relationship with no contact? I think he's coming down here to see his friends on Saturday (he didn't even tell me he was coming down yet) but I'll be out of town. Should I ask him upfront about meeting up at some time? Or will that annoy him because he "doesn't do" long distance? You can't cope because LDR is all about communication. I actually do not know why you are so attached to him, despite his weak excuses and horrendous "don't do long distance" crap even after attempting to clarify the situation with him. If he doesn't care enough to bother about it, then why should you even bother being the one initiating all the time. Trust me, it will eat into you eventually. I feel you don't really want to listen to this though, so I will keep mum. I suggest to change the relationship to one where you can go find other guys because there is no point having a relationship with no contact in a world that is so connected. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 You BF isn't telling you everything. I don't know what the whole truth is, but you can be sure you haven't heard it. Like a lot of young men, your BF is a bit of a coward. Sorry, but he is. For whatever reason, he does not want to continue the relationship. However, he wants to make breaking up as easy as possible ON HIMSELF. Believe me, this is not about your feelings. This about him tryinh to avoid having a difficult conversation with you. So, instead of being a man and telling you the truth, he is trying to gradually pull away, hoping you'll sort of take the hint and let him go. Good for you that you didn't do it. But, sadly, this relationship sounds over. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 No I didn't. So I guess my next question is: How do I cope with a long distance relationship with no contact? I think he's coming down here to see his friends on Saturday (he didn't even tell me he was coming down yet) but I'll be out of town. Should I ask him upfront about meeting up at some time? Or will that annoy him because he "doesn't do" long distance? This is nonsensical!! He's coming down to see his friends but he hadn't made any plans to see you??? Wait, when he said he 'doesn't do' long distance I assumed he was referring to long phone calls etc. Or does he mean that he doesn't actually consider the both of you in a relationship at ALL during these few months? Link to post Share on other sites
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 This is obviously a person who doesn't know how to be in a relationship, let alone a long distance one. In a relationship you have to set your priorities and understand that you have to take the time to make the relationship strong and wholesome. This person obviously doesn't know how to do that. Don't loose heart OP...protect yourself Link to post Share on other sites
nemi26 Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 he clearly wants you both to break up, he just doesnt want to be the bad guy and do it himself so he'll start to be more harsh to put you off him, get out and find someone that wants you chick! Link to post Share on other sites
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