I need to move on

[Ninia]

I'll be posting here a lot so get use to my username because I am a girl with a complicated life.

 

I have went through soooo much due to my family ever since I was little. I have been abused physically and verbally by my father since I was six years old, and that has impact me in the worst way possible. After all he's put us through I didnt want to be found in the same household with him again (I thought I've gotten past everything within those past two years he wasnt around) but I've realized that being back in the same household as him as made me angry I am now seeing how much I hate this man I hate everything about him I actually wish him harm secretly. We don't talk we havnt talked in years I ignore him it's like he doesnt exsist, but I know that he's here and that angers him. Worst of all my mother wants me to help him I refused to I've done enough for that self rightgious bastard.

 

I want to be free of this burden because if something else happen I don't want to be there to witness it OMG these people have ruined me it's so not funny. I feel like crying I've been through all the phases of a young adult whose been abused. I've been mean, agressive, lonely, depressed, thoughts of death, unbalanced, I can't even date because I hate commitment. I want a boyfriend, but I refuse to let them get to close to me so they dont hurt me. I usually push guys away by ignoring them, verbally abusing them, or just simply looking lost. My mother is to old fashion to understand my burdens my past haunts me daily sometimes I'll go weaks, but it will return. Please help me think of something?

[Ronni_W]

Hey Ninia.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, and the lack of understanding and support that you've received.

 

You certainly deserved much better from everybody.

 

I get that your defense mechanisms include anger, aggression, withdrawal, etc. I get that you are using those to protect yourself from further harm. But, if you'd like us to continue 'chatting' here, I'm still going to need to ask you to manage those feelings within yourself (when you're posting and if you want a response to your posts.)

 

First, will you mind turning off the bold font? As with using all-caps, it comes across as "yelling" -- and, like everyone else here and in real life, I don't appreciate being yelled at...not by strangers or my loved ones .

You've made yourself not very approachable in your initial posts, and that is contributing to people not wanting to "get involved" in your threads.

 

It's not that I'm afraid of anger, or fear, or any of the other so-called "negative" emotions; it's just that I'm not going to willingly subject myself to that so I won't form any type of relationship if that's the primary way the other person wants/intends to relate with me. (Hope that makes senses to you?)

 

Second. I understand that your current attitude, thoughts and feelings are directly related to your past experiences. But how do you feel about working towards holding yourself accountable for your own current-day feelings instead of blaming them on your past experiences?

 

Doing life one way, you're always going to feel like a helpless victim; doing life another way, you will at some point feel empowered and in charge of your own current and future.

 

You do get to choose how the rest of your life is going to look and feel for you. Let me know what you decide: If you are looking to find happiness and emotional freedom, I will hang in with you...so long as you are willing to take responsibility for your own happiness and emotional freedom.

 

Put another way, I'm going to be useless to you (as a resource or 'online buddy') if what you need/want is support to help you stay feeling angry and victimized. Not that that would necessarily be a "wrong" choice (but I'd consider at an unwise one), just that it would count me out.

 

In the meantime, sending BIG hugs and Angels of Comfort and Healing.

 

Take care of yourself, Ninia.