DK how to deal with this

[reservoirdog1]

I moved out of the marital home on November 1. On August 3, W had come to me and told me she’d been up-and-down unhappy since shortly before our wedding seven years earlier. She’d had one affair during the engagement, another within weeks of the wedding, and another in 2000. (That’s what I know of; though she says that’s all, for all I know there could be more.) We have 2 kids.

 

After she told me, we tried for 2 months to fix things. Ultimately decided we couldn’t. Since I moved out, she’s begged me 3 times to come back. After the second time, she and I talked reconciliation for about a week and she finally told me that, to be happy, she needed somebody who’s Y (I’m X). That was OK – I finally knew it could never have worked, and could never work. In a weird way, that was closure for me.

 

Anyway, at the beginning of January she made attempt #3. This time, her stated reason was that she doesn’t like being a single parent, and she thought we could try again, have a good marriage, she’s found she’s much happier when she communicates her feelings, she never really valued me or the marriage but would like to, I never really knew her before and wouldn’t I like to, etc. I declined – I can’t reconcile all of that with what she told me in November about needing to be with a totally different kind of person. I haven’t changed, and presumably she hasn’t either.

 

The other thing is that I was totally oblivious to all the cheating and unhappiness for the whole marriage. I thought we were fundamentally solid. She’d married me, she says, because she saw in me a set of characteristics that she SHOULD be happy with, and hoped that marriage would bring that happiness. Needless to say, it didn’t. I thought she was happy (not to mention honest and faithful) until this past August, when I learned the truth.

 

She’s a very convincing liar. She had me fooled for years. So, I have no idea when the things she’s telling me now are the truth or not – I basically have to take everything she says with a grain of salt. If we were back together, I’d be constantly worried: that I was breaking my back to be what she wanted only to have it not be enough, that any one or more of her male “friends” was secretly more than that, that I never had the real truth from her, etc.

 

I’m living in my own apartment, and I’ve been dating somebody for the last month. We’re taking it pretty slow, emotionally and physically, but it’s going pretty well so far. I know that W has also been seeing somebody; she’s told me repeatedly since November that he’s “just a friend”, though I never swallowed that. The guy she’s seeing is about 25 years older than her (she’s nearly 30), rich, a fellow philanderer going through a divorce, etc. W is very materialistic and he’ll be able to meet a bunch of her wants and needs.

 

Anyway, I found out this morning that they’re talking about moving in together in a few months. This really bugs me (I was in tears this morning), and I don’t know why. I’ve known for a few months (despite her denials) that she was dating him, that they were more than friends. It bugged me initially but not really anymore -- up till this morning.

 

I think what bugs me is twofold. Firstly, there’s an element of residual possessiveness, which is weird because I simply have to remind myself that, despite the fact we were married, she was never really “with me” in the sense of being exclusive, except when she was pregnant and the children were babies. I was faithful the whole time. It really irks me that I still feel a bit “possessive” because it seems illogical to me.

 

Secondly, I feel as though she was trying to use me and manipulate me through her attempts to get me back. She wasn’t coping well with the single parent thing, and I think she just wanted me back so she’d have somebody to lean on. I also feel as though she was keeping this new guy on the back burner, meaning they’d probably continue bonking each other even we did get back together. During all her attempts, she never said “you’re the only person for me, I want to do whatever I have to do and work as long and as hard as necessary to make this work.” Also, between August and my move-out, she kind of resisted working very hard at fixing it, in some small ways.

 

Anyway, this is rambly. I think I mostly resent that she was still trying to manipulate me, even though she came across as very contrite and apologetic in a lengthy letter to my parents last month, about how she had been shallow and dishonest, and how she wanted to rebuild her life and her reputation. All this suggests to me that she hasn’t changed and doesn’t really plan to.

 

I’m 99% sure that this isn’t me just wanting her back, for the reasons outlined above. Leaving the children aside for a moment, frankly I wish she’d let me go eight years ago, before we got married (as I said, she had huge doubts back then and she knew she might be making a huge mistake).

 

And, I guess the third thing that bugs me is that she’s continuing to display this behaviour and these tendencies around my children! What lessons will they pick up from this?

 

If anybody has any thoughts on this whole mess, I’d be grateful.

[cdn]

The first thing that strikes me is that even though you may realise intellectually that W is manipulative and dishonest, you may be experiencing emotional upheaval over the fact that in spite of all she's already put you through, she is willing to yet again use your feelings to her gain. I suspect that you are hoping that she would care about you enough not to continue to disregard your feelings, i.e., the conversation in November appeared to at least be honest (she wants Y and you are X), whereas January's episode brought home that she isn't concerned about you at all. Painful stuff.

[reservoirdog1]

I think there's some truth to that. At the end of the November discussion, I told her that this had to be the end of it -- I couldn't keep revisiting this issue over and over, and I had to move on. That was after she'd told me that I was X and she needed Y. She seemed fine with that.

 

Then came the Christmas season, during which her car broke down, the heater in her (rented) house died, our son smeared enamel paint all over the carpet and wall, and a snowfall hit with nobody to shovel the walk but her. That prompted attempt #3 in January, in which she started off with a fight about dumb things, and then when I told her that she hadn't really phoned about that and asked what was going on, she told me she wanted me to come back.

 

I think, as I said, that it was just because she was having a hard time at that point, and not having a lot of fun being a single parent (which, I suppose, explains her willingness to consider moving in with somebody so quickly). To her credit, I suppose, when she made the request, and I mentioned that she hadn't said "you're the only one for me, I'll do anything, I love you, etc.", she didn't then immediately turn around and say those things. I suppose that would have been far too transparent if she had done so.

 

That being said, she was willing to have me come back and throw the kids' lives into upheaval and false hopes, just to give her the temporary presence of another adult in the house, when she'd already told me in November that it basically couldn't work.

 

I guess the really tough thing is that, every week or two, something happens that just drags me back into this emotionally. Sort of two steps forward, one step back. As I said, I'm almost sure it's not longing to get back with her (other than a small amount of longing for my memories of a happy marriage that was really just an illusion). I don't really know how to explain it; my previous posting is the best I could do.