Wife abandoned me!

[Sonny45]

I'll try to keep my story short as possible but it's likely to be quite long, and I really hope to get some advice from the experienced members here. Any suggestions that could help would be greatly appreciated!

 

My Situation:

 

I've been with my wife for 8 years...only 1 married. She is 27 and I'm 28. Pretty much our whole relationship has seemed fantastic. We really didn't fight or argue very much, but when we did, I guess we weren't the best at coming to a solid resolution and would just kind of move on. We both have great relationships with each others family, share all the same friends, and have had a lot of fun together as we like to do many of the same things.

 

All seemed to be just fine until about 4 months ago when she began acting very distant from me. I thought she was just stressed out from her new job that was taking up more and more of her time so I really tried to do nice things for her, support her, and be there for her. After about three months of this and it not getting better, I asked her what was going on. She then told me she didn't feel like she did a less than a year ago when we got married...that she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore, and that she loved me but was not "In Love" with me. Now my world was rocked. I told her I wanted to get counseling with her but she refused for about two weeks. I started going by myself, and she finally went one time by herself but nothing since.

 

Soon after, I checked some of her work emails and discovered that she had been having an emotional affair with a guy in Chicago for the last 3 months that she met through work...we live in Kansas. In her emails she was professing her undying love for him, that he was her soul mate, and that she wanted to be married to him and be with him for the rest of her life. After 3 months of internet chatting and talking on the phone?!?! Now my world was upside down. I confronted her about it and she just cried, apologized profusely and said she didn't know what she was doing or how she felt about anything anymore. I love my wife more than I've ever loved anything, and despite this horrible betrayal, I told her I still wanted to try and save our marriage. Since then she has moved out of our house into her own apartment to try and "find herself" and see if relief from all the emotional pain would help her think more clearly and show her what she really wants. Throughout this whole thing I've done my best to remain calm and caring towards her. I haven't even fought with her about any of this and even helped her and her parents move her out. She has promised me that she would stop communicating with the other guy and that she just wanted to be alone for a while...but I can only hope she keeps this promise. She did tell me that he called her the other day to just check on her, so that's at least a good sign that she's being open and honest even if she does make a mistake and talks to him.

 

She's been on her own for about 3 weeks now but still maintains that it is too late for us, and that she does not think it possible to regain her love for me. I'm so confused because there never seemed to be anything that bad about our relationship. Her biggest issues that she tells me are that I didn't take her out on enough dates, that I didn't go to bed with her enough (although I did tuck her in every single night and tell her I loved her), that I didn't consider her enough when making decisions or plans, and that she never felt like my wife...but just a friend. So she felt neglected in certain ways. I can admit my own mistakes and I wish I had been more mindful of her feelings...but I've done my best to apologize for any pain I've caused her...and I don't see these things as something that cannot be dealt with or that should destroy an 8 year relationship and marriage.

 

So now finally to my quest for advice. What should I do and how should I act during this separation? We still talk/text/email every couple days...but not really much to do about our relationship. Just stuff about sharing time with our puppy, her checking to see how I'm doing, etc. Should I try to talk with her more/less? Should I still tell her I love her? Should I try to discuss our relationship issues? Should I try to meet with her in person every week or two? I just don't know how to act and I even asked her what she wanted of me and she told me that she just didn't know.

 

I'm completely crushed by this and don't know how much space is healthy to give her. I don't want to smother her obviously, but I don't want it to seem like I'm neglecting her and create even more of a divide between us.

 

If you have any advice for me I would love to hear it. I'll do anything in my power to get our life back and make her happy!

 

Please help if you can and thank you!

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your pain.

 

Yes, put some distance..Alot of distance between you and her. No more daily small chat. She chose to leave (and probably pursue this OM, try to see if something is 'real' between them) and the consquence is, she loses you.

 

Right now what she felt/feels for the OM can't be compared. All that she feels is based on fantasy. Her feelings have been fed by the online thing, even phone calls too. Until she meets this guy face to face, right now HE is more or less perfect for her. Reality hasn't hit her..At all. She's suffered NO consquences, and until she suffers abit, cut her out of your life.

 

Unfortunately there were problems in your marriage, it's a shame she didn't speak up before she turned to someone else (online). She could be magnifying things to justify why she cheated on you emotionally, but the bottomline is, she feels different about you now. Time will tell if she does a 180 and comes back, or if she wants to push for a divorce.

 

Question is, if she comes home are you two willing to do marriage counselling and work together to fix the marriage, learn how to appreciate one another and communicate/listen to one another?

[Sonny45]

Thank you for your response whichway...To answer your question, If she comes home, I am 100% committed to seek counseling, work on every aspect of our marriage, and do absolutely whatever it takes to make her happy and improve our relationship...and I've told her this as well.

 

Side note...she actually has met the other man twice on business trips. I read through a ton of her emails to him, and there was nothing that indicated that she had been physical with him yet...but I realize it's still a possibility. She told me the most that happened was that he gave her a kiss while leaving a business dinner. =O/ But who knows. I've debated whether or not to tell her parents and sister about this to try and help break apart their fantasy world a bit by bringing some reality to things...but so far I've been afraid to do this because it might really set her off against me.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your response whichway...To answer your question, If she comes home, I am 100% committed to seek counseling, work on every aspect of our marriage, and do absolutely whatever it takes to make her happy and improve our relationship...and I've told her this as well.

 

Side note...she actually has met the other man twice on business trips. I read through a ton of her emails to him, and there was nothing that indicated that she had been physical with him yet...but I realize it's still a possibility. She told me the most that happened was that he gave her a kiss while leaving a business dinner. =O/ But who knows. I've debated whether or not to tell her parents and sister about this to try and help break apart their fantasy world a bit by bringing some reality to things...but so far I've been afraid to do this because it might really set her off against me.

 

Is the OM married? Have a girlfriend? Have she ended it with him?

 

Just because you haven't read anything that implies nothing has happened physically doesn't mean 100% that it hasn't. You don't know what was said during phone calls or how often they speak.

 

You may be ready to put in that effort..But she has to as well, otherwise it's a waste of time. This is why (as hard as it will be) you need to distance yourself and focus on you only. Let her figure things out on her own, let her get used to NOT having you to rely on, to talk to. Someone she has known for a long time.

 

Do they know you two are separated? If yes, then there's no reason NOT to tell them that she let herself fall for someone else (online) and go from there.

 

Tell your parents so you can have support.

[Sonny45]

Thank you again for your advice. I'll do my best to distance myself from her and hope that she misses me somehow.

 

The other guy is 25 and just graduated college...So I'm pretty sure he isn't God's gift to women...but of course, she only knows the perfect side of him which is all he's going to let her see anyway. He is single unfortunately...and why a single 25 year old in Chicago needs to find a relationship with a married women in Kansas is beyond me.

 

She promised me that she wasn't going to talk to him anymore and that their relationship was a big mistake. She says she wants to be alone without any influences from him or me...but it's very hard to trust her now. She's really one of the most honest people I've ever met and I really think she has lost herself in a big way...and I think she feels that to some extent as well.

 

Her parents know we are separated...I helped them move her out of our house. I'm just worried that if I tell them about the affair and she has in fact stopped talking with the OM, that it will really make her resent me.

 

Thank you again so much for your help!

Edited June 16, 2010 by Sonny45

[whichwayisup]

Thank you again for your advice. I'll do my best to distance myself from her and hope that she misses me somehow.

 

The other guy is 25 and just graduated college...So I'm pretty sure he isn't God's gift to women...but of course, she only knows the perfect side of him which is all he's going to let her see anyway. He is single unfortunately.

 

She promised me that she wasn't going to talk to him anymore and that their relationship was a big mistake. She says she wants to be alone without any influences from him or me...but it's very hard to trust her now. She's really one of the most honest people I've ever met and I really think she has lost herself in a big way...and I think she feels that to some extent as well.

 

Her parents know we are separated...I helped them move her out of our house. I'm just worried that if I tell them about the affair and she has in fact stopped talking with the OM, that it will really make her resent me.

 

Thank you again so much for your help!

 

You're welcome.

 

Is she willing to go to counseling on her own? Atleast for now?

 

Yes, she shook your world and now you don't trust her. How can you take her at her word?

 

You could contact the OM, ask him questions about the affair. Just an option to think about it.

 

Remember too, even though he knew she was married (let's assume she didn't try to hide that from him) she probably did a good job on turning things to make it seem like things were worse than they really were. Bending truths and exaggerating so they could connect and he could feel good rescuing her. Some men have the White Knight Syndrome..

 

Keep posting and I hope others jump in and give their 2 cents! All the support you can get right now is going to help you get through this.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just worried that if I tell them about the affair and she has in fact stopped talking with the OM, that it will really make her resent me.

You have no control on how she reacts. If she resents you, then it means that she truly isn't remorseful enough, or ready to OWN up to her choosing to cheat on you.

 

She can't blame the status of your marriage for her choices in finding another man to get close to. Noone held a gun to her head on that! Plus, she COULD have opened up to you way before this. It's a shame she waited so long and NOW she tells you how she feels inside, after being busted.

 

She is the one broken inside, and she needs to fix herself. Let's just hope she's being truthful when she told you the A is over and she's not in contact with the OM.

[Gunny376]

This is going to come off as bad and hard ~ tough love even? But it comes from hard learned and earned experience.

 

Drop her like a hot rock, kick her to the curb, forget about her. Go complete no contact. No e-mails, no texting, no phone calls, no nothing!

 

Go silent and go deep like a nuclear submarine under the Polar ice cap. In so far as she's concerned? You just fell off of the face of the Earth.

 

She has problem making the rent, paying the utilities ~ car breaks down?

 

"Tough titty said the kitty!" This is her new reality without you. This is the her new life without you being there are her every beck and call. This is your 'manning up" sucking it up and being a man.

 

Give her the gift of "missing you" and making do without you in her life. Hell let her go and date the OM, and others. Let her come to the realization of what she had with you and what she's lost. A good 7 to 9 out of any guy she goes out with is out for a POA, and once they've got it ~ they're history. All the more? They're losers anyway.

 

That aside anything she's got to offer you? You can find just a good if not better, just as much if not more with someone else.

 

What one would abuse and take for granted? Another can certainly use.

 

Hate to be the one to break it to you? But there are only about 3 and half billion other women in the World.

 

The one that cares the least? Is the one that controls the relationship! BTW ~ that wouldn't be you!

 

Gunny Rule # 1 when it comes to some woman pulling this crap on me?

 

"That's fine and well! But understand this and understand it well! As soon as I hear the closing of that door as you walk out? There's no coming back ~ I don't care if you immediately do a 180 as soon as the door closes! You and I are nothing more than history and old "us to be's"

 

A woman walks out on you ~ along with all of their drama and BS excuses about "finding themselves" and "needing time" ~ all that means to me?

 

Is that I need to get off my dead @zz and go and find myself some new and fresh! That has more to offer me, give to me, appreciate me for me being me and what I've got to offer and bring to the table.

 

Damn the bad luck!

 

The XHEX left me for some red neck joker ~ they were living high off of the hog back when I was paying child support, gave the her everything from a twelve year marriage worth stealing (And she wanted the rest), filing married and claiming four while I was filing single and one.

 

Trading for new cars every two or three years. While I was driving used car junk, dealing with the IRS (The X threw me under the bus with advice from her sister who prepared tax returns) dealing with bill collectors (bills I made based upon two incomes) filing bankruptcy ~ Yada-yada!

 

Flash forward twenty years later? I've got a sweet, low-stress, no-stress job ~ with low stress and no stress bosses (OK I got forced into "treatment with a psychologist by my boss because of PTSD and self medicating with Johnny Walker Red and Canadian Whiskey)

 

Now I'm medicating with antidepressants and anxiety drugs? So be it, but much better than drinking a fifth each night.

 

I guess some would judge me as being mental or such? But the nightmares, the tossing and tumbling are gone. The hypertension and hyper attentiveness are gone.

 

I still get "startled" and go into defensive mode when caught off guard.

 

My co-workers have learned not to just walk in on me without knocking, Not that I'm that bad, it just sends me into defensive mode.

 

Anyway the best thing you can do is just let her and "it" (aka the relationship) go. Get busy working on yourself, learning, growing, reading, ~ get yourself a library card and read, read, read! Study.

 

Read and study here on LS. There's a Lifetime of experiences and knowledge available here to learn and grow from!

[Sonny45]

She went to the counselor only once so far. I asked her if she would go back and she said she didn't know, and it seemed to me that she doesn't really have a lot of intention to. Said he didn't really give her any advice the first time...Well DUH...How's he going to hear her whole story and solve anything with the first 50 minute session.

 

I have thought about contacting the OM...and I agree with you about how she's probably made our relationship sound to him. I think more about doing that.

 

As far as the affair as a whole...she just said that she's not leaving me for the OM, but because of the problems in our relationship that have been bothering her for so long. She has brought up these same issues in the past so I can't deny her that. They just never seemed like things that were damaging our relationship. I just saw them as normal arguments that all couples go through...and that was obviously my mistake...but I really wish she had done more to express to me that things were really as serious as they were for her. All she would've had to say is that she thought our relationship was headed for real trouble unless we did something or got some help.

[whichwayisup]

After reading your lastest reply, go with Gunny's suggestion.

 

And, since she gave up on counselling, do the 180 and cut her out of your life.

 

Anything less will give you hope. Sadly, right now from what you've said, including the stuff about the OM, it doesn't look good.

 

Heal you. You go to counselling and sort this out so it doesn't kill you inside.

[Sonny45]

Also thanks for the additional response Lisa & Gunny. I know in my head that there are plenty of other great women out there and I have no doubt that I could find one worth a solid relationship. But in my heart right now this is very very difficult to do. My wife has been just absolutely amazing for our whole relationship. After 8 years, there isn't a single thing I would change about her and that's very damn hard to find...Except for the last 4 months that is. She has just been the absolute perfect match for me for so long...and it seems very daunting to find someone else that could give me everything I ever wanted as she did. I will do my best to focus on myself though and start to move on with things.

[Gunny376]

After reading your latest reply, go with Gunny's suggestion.

 

And, since she gave up on counselling, do the 180 and cut her out of your life.

 

Anything less will give you hope. Sadly, right now from what you've said, including the stuff about the OM, it doesn't look good.

 

Heal you. You go to counselling and sort this out so it doesn't kill you inside.

 

I got forced into counseling by my boss a retired Alabama National Guard Master Sergeant and Vietnam Vet.

 

I was self medicating with alcohol.

 

Either get help or get gone! I wasn't going into work drunk ~ I was going into work somewhat hung over.

 

When you work in a lab. There's a lot of difference between a .001 and a .0017

 

A little is a lot, and a lot is a little.

 

Not to mention in dealing with ppm (parts per million) ~ the EPA and ADEM fine per day per incident can reach as high as $10,000 per incident per day. Multiply that by ten incidents per day?

 

Anyway I got forced into "either get help or get gone!" And so I went to see a psychologist.

 

He had me take a test, that cost $600 that my insurance covered two-thirds of?

 

It came back that I was suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome)

 

In the report ~ it said that I had

been confronted with an event or events in which he was exposed to to a severe threat of life, a traumatic experience that precipitated intense fear or horror on his part. Currently the residuals of this event appear to persistently re-experience with recurrent distressing recollections such as in cues that resemble or symbolize an aspect of the traumatic event. Where possible he seeks to avoid such cues and recollections.

 

I share this with you in that ~ he and I had never discussed any of these events, (and yes there were more than just one or two) and still haven't. The test revealed the PTSD.

 

Indeed I've never discussed them with anyone. And probally never will in other than those that I shared those events with. There's simply no point of reference? That is to say there's no reference point of comparsion? It would be like a woman attempting to describe giving birth to a man?

 

I share this with you for you to seek counseling ~ trust me your not going to find the answer in the bottom of whisky bottle ~ not at the end of a crack pipe.

Edited June 16, 2010 by Gunny376

[hopesndreams]

that she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore, and that she loved me but was not "In Love" with me.

 

She is in PA, not EA. She's gone Sonny. She's moved out and she's moved on, with somebody else.

 

You sound like a good guy, deeply in love with your W. It's not about what you can say or do to bring her back now. It's now about what you can do for you . Let go of all hope and do not prolong your suffering. Cut off all contact, file for D.

 

She is selfish, dishonest, dishonorable and not to be trusted which makes her unworthy and undeserving of your love.

[habs53]

Hi there, same thing happened here as well. My wife left because she is emotionaly attached to someone in Australia. Thats on the other side of the world. lol No counsiling, nothing. I dont talk to her or do nothing for her. If she comes home, i doubt it. Would you really want that to come home anyways.

 

I had to take medication to calm my nerves and they work fine. My head is clear and i see things for what they are. I still do have bad days however.

Hang in there, take it day by day. Thats what i do. Seems to work.

[imagine]

Sonny,

 

Please expose the affair. Her dream must touch reality.

 

Right now she is living in a fog. She truly does not want you right now. Kill her fire right now. I suspect that she is making plans to meet up with OM. The consequences for you are not good anyway.

 

The alternative is escape. This should not be the approach of a married man.

 

Please approach people that you are trying to save your marriage and ask their help in persuading your missus. Be prepared for ammunition to come flying back from her. Always be calm when speaking to her. Remain firm but do not get into an argument.

 

Read up on the Plan A at Marriage Builders. Come back with questions!

[lkjh]

Stop being so nice, she won't respect you as long as you act like a wuss. You are willing to let her do whatever she wants and still take her back

[Steadfast]

 

Please expose the affair. Her dream must touch reality.

 

Right now she is living in a fog. She truly does not want you right now. Kill her fire right now. I suspect that she is making plans to meet up with OM. The consequences for you are not good anyway.

 

The alternative is escape. This should not be the approach of a married man.

 

Please approach people that you are trying to save your marriage and ask their help in persuading your missus. Be prepared for ammunition to come flying back from her. Always be calm when speaking to her. Remain firm but do not get into an argument.

 

Read up on the Plan A at Marriage Builders. Come back with questions!

 

 

I respectfully disagree. You can't force her to do anything and neither can anyone else. I understand the good intentions, but if Sonny's wife flushed the love and respect she had for her husband on the way in, how is 'ganging up' on her with family and friends going to change anything? It'll only make her more defensive and turn her lover into a martyr.

 

You wife had followed the classic and well-traveled route of infidelity, fueled by selfishness and a sense of entitlement. It may be hard for you to understand, but the foe here isn't the other man; it's her. The battle isn't her feelings for him verses her feelings for you, it's her feelings for you verses her feelings for herself. If it wasn't him, it would just be someone else. Mark my words, when this affair crashes and burns (and it will) there will be another, and probably another after that. That is why attacking this relationship is a waste of time; you're fighting the wrong war.

 

I realize your instinct is to fight for the marriage; to somehow 'fix' it by proving the depth of your love and your commitment to change for the better but it won't work. Her 'reasons' only exist to justify her actions.

 

Want to hear a good example? I was visiting with a friend who is going through the exact same thing you are. He's a good looking guy; smart, loving, a great father and husband. His wife told him he was 'too perfect' and she could no longer stand the strain of trying to 'measure up'. Her affair partner was more like her; flawed. They were a 'better match.'

 

He was too perfect Sonny! Ever hear of a lose-lose? You're there.

 

Listen to Gunny and take his advice. Remove yourself from the equation and allow her to live her cheating life without your help. Remember, she can't hurt you by cheating if you're not in the triangle. NC is for YOU; not a scheme to win her back. There's a good chance she'll contact you at some point and try to renew interest, maybe even hint towards a recon. Deal with that when it happens. Do not tell her you love her. She knows.

 

For now, prove your love by giving her what she wants; her freedom. Set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If not, she never was.

 

Eat, sleep and exercise. Lean on friends and post your thoughts here.

[phineas]

Expose the affair to her family.

 

I didn't do that because she told me it was between us & not the world & let me believe things would work out while she solidified with OM.

She turned her family & friends against me after seperation because I didn't expose.

 

I am scum of the earth according to them. The A-hole that ruined her life.

she of course rolled out OM as the "I finally found a good one" NEW BF.

 

Now she's living with him & he's pretending to be my kids father.

Life is sooo much better with him.

 

Of course it is. He lived with mommy & daddy until he was 34 yrs old.

He has no debt to speak off considering he lived off his parents.

 

Think about that.

34 yrs old.

never married

lived with his parents.

then boom moves in with a married woman with two small kids?

 

Looks like my STBXW found another victim.

 

He can have her.

 

Had I exposed?

 

I don't know. At the time we seperated I didn't know how long the affair had been going on or the extreme level of deciet & manipulation she went to living a double life behind my back.

 

It still would of led to divorce once I learned truth.

But, it would of happened a whole lot sooner.

[Steadfast]

I 'gotta stick my neck out here and say sorry; two wrongs don't make a right. Family and friends would think badly of you regardless, if that's what she wanted them to think.

 

What's the old saying? Better to let people wonder than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

 

You're right; she's his problem now. Good you see that.

 

Time will tell. It always does. Continue doing the right things for the right reason phineas and when the truth is exposed, those against you now will have triple the respect for you. This is how honor is earned. It isn't an easy path, but like most things great sacrifice brings great reward.

[seibert253]

This is going to come off as bad and hard ~ tough love even? But it comes from hard learned and earned experience.

 

Drop her like a hot rock, kick her to the curb, forget about her. Go complete no contact. No e-mails, no texting, no phone calls, no nothing!

 

Go silent and go deep like a nuclear submarine under the Polar ice cap. In so far as she's concerned? You just fell off of the face of the Earth.

 

She has problem making the rent, paying the utilities ~ car breaks down?

 

"Tough titty said the kitty!" This is her new reality without you. This is the her new life without you being there are her every beck and call. This is your 'manning up" sucking it up and being a man.

 

Give her the gift of "missing you" and making do without you in her life. Hell let her go and date the OM, and others. Let her come to the realization of what she had with you and what she's lost. A good 7 to 9 out of any guy she goes out with is out for a POA, and once they've got it ~ they're history. All the more? They're losers anyway.

 

That aside anything she's got to offer you? You can find just a good if not better, just as much if not more with someone else.

 

What one would abuse and take for granted? Another can certainly use.

 

Hate to be the one to break it to you? But there are only about 3 and half billion other women in the World.

 

The one that cares the least? Is the one that controls the relationship! BTW ~ that wouldn't be you!

 

Gunny Rule # 1 when it comes to some woman pulling this crap on me?

 

"That's fine and well! But understand this and understand it well! As soon as I hear the closing of that door as you walk out? There's no coming back ~ I don't care if you immediately do a 180 as soon as the door closes! You and I are nothing more than history and old "us to be's"

 

A woman walks out on you ~ along with all of their drama and BS excuses about "finding themselves" and "needing time" ~ all that means to me?

 

Is that I need to get off my dead @zz and go and find myself some new and fresh! That has more to offer me, give to me, appreciate me for me being me and what I've got to offer and bring to the table.

 

Damn the bad luck!

 

The XHEX left me for some red neck joker ~ they were living high off of the hog back when I was paying child support, gave the her everything from a twelve year marriage worth stealing (And she wanted the rest), filing married and claiming four while I was filing single and one.

 

Trading for new cars every two or three years. While I was driving used car junk, dealing with the IRS (The X threw me under the bus with advice from her sister who prepared tax returns) dealing with bill collectors (bills I made based upon two incomes) filing bankruptcy ~ Yada-yada!

 

Flash forward twenty years later? I've got a sweet, low-stress, no-stress job ~ with low stress and no stress bosses (OK I got forced into "treatment with a psychologist by my boss because of PTSD and self medicating with Johnny Walker Red and Canadian Whiskey)

 

Now I'm medicating with antidepressants and anxiety drugs? So be it, but much better than drinking a fifth each night.

 

I guess some would judge me as being mental or such? But the nightmares, the tossing and tumbling are gone. The hypertension and hyper attentiveness are gone.

 

I still get "startled" and go into defensive mode when caught off guard.

 

My co-workers have learned not to just walk in on me without knocking, Not that I'm that bad, it just sends me into defensive mode.

 

Anyway the best thing you can do is just let her and "it" (aka the relationship) go. Get busy working on yourself, learning, growing, reading, ~ get yourself a library card and read, read, read! Study.

 

Read and study here on LS. There's a Lifetime of experiences and knowledge available here to learn and grow from!

 

There probably is no better advice than Gunny's

Read it, learn it, live it.

 

Peace and Good Luck

[sumdude]

There probably is no better advice than Gunny's

Read it, learn it, live it.

 

Peace and Good Luck

 

I second that!!

 

Sorry you're going through this Sonny. Been there, done that and have the Tee shirt. The hard truth is? It's 95%+ likely that it's over. It's a classic vine to vine affair. Meaning that she's been working on the new R in secret for a while. Still keeping you on line in case it didn't work out. Now she's ready to let go of one vine (you) and grab on to the new one.

 

Wondering and/or hoping her new relationship crashes and burns is really a waste of time. Whether or not it does has nothing to do with you. In almost all cases once a woman says the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you." line that's it, she done gone. Find herself?? LOL another classic BS line. She's finding herself having fun with the other man most likely.

 

Now you have to ride out the roller coaster of emotions, get busy working on your new life without her in it. Cut contact for anything that doesn't involve the legal part of divorce.

 

Trust me on this. One day in December '06 I was in Korea for business and on the phone with my ex and started feeling something was wrong. Came home wondering who was this woman who nonchalantly picked me up at the airport. Had an awful X-mas. The next couple weeks she kept disappearing. A week later I knew something was up.. then she dropped me off at work and secretly moved out.

 

Then I made all the mistakes. Talked almost every day. Tried to set up marriage counseling, she showed up once then found excuses to miss all the next appointments. Kept thinking maybe we can still work this out. The whole time she was just stringing me along. Now I know the affair started months before yet I was clueless. She was done and gone the moment she said "I love you but I'm not in love with you." She married the new guy probably the same day our divorce was final. Now I haven't seen or heard from her in close to two years.

 

If you don't have kids look at this as a blessing. You're still quite young and like Gunny says there are so many women out there.

 

Save yourself the weeks and months of limbo hell. Accept that it's over or at the very least start acting like it. It's all about you now man. It's a hard road but the sooner you come to this realization the better.

Edited June 16, 2010 by sumdude

[Sonny45]

Thanks again everyone for your advice.

 

I think for now I'm just going to spend time moving on in my own mind as if it's over. I'll only talk to her when I have to, will just act civil and friendly, but not lovey or sad.

 

I'm really not worried about friends and family being turned on me. Actually most people are on my side because everyone has seen that I've been trying so hard to get help and work things out with her, and they don't understand why she seems to be just giving up so easily. It has caused her a lot of stress that even her parents were getting on her back about not trying hard enough. In her mind, she's been trying for a long time to make things better, but that was never seen by me, friends, or family. In any case, blaming, **** talking, insulting, mud-slinging etc. has not been used by either of us what so ever during this process...with friends, family, or towards each other. Despite everything that has gone on...we have actually gotten along really well for the last 4 months...but it's just been weird.

 

As far as the other guy...I know she hasn't even had a chance to see him over the last month and a half at least. She doesn't have the time during the week to fly anywhere or drive over 500 miles to see him, and I know exactly what she's done every weekend for a while now. This doesn't mean that they aren't talking on the phone...but the logistics of this being an currently active PA are almost 0% based on logistics and finances alone. She did confess that he had called her last week to see how she's doing. She didn't have to tell me this so I guess that's a decent sign of honesty.

 

Throughout this she has remained very remorseful for her actions, told me it was a big mistake, and promised to not pursue any relationships with anyone while we are still married. She also has stayed very friendly with me, is supportive when I'm feeling down, and says she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but she just doesn't think her feelings could come back.

 

I know in my mind I need to just use my energy to cut myself lose from everything, but it's been very hard. I put a lot of energy into improving myself though. I'm down 17 pounds, I've been forcing myself to continue working out, run 3 miles a day, to eat, and sleep better. I try to keep busy maintaining and improving our home, and taking care of our new puppy.

[whichwayisup]

She also has stayed very friendly with me, is supportive when I'm feeling down, and says she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but she just doesn't think her feelings could come back.

 

Then it's her loss, not yours. If she regrets it one day, that's on her. To throw away a marriage without doing her best, without truly trying and going to marriage counselling isn't right.

 

She did confess that he had called her last week to see how she's doing. She didn't have to tell me this so I guess that's a decent sign of honesty.

 

She's controlling what she tells you. Just because they haven't seen eachother, doesn't mean it's completely over. Fact that he called to see how she was doing also shows that she didn't end it and isn't in NC mode with him. She's keeping that door open a crack, so she has someone to talk to, someone to feed her ego, someone to make her feel good.

 

Yes, focus on you, your life and recovery. you have a healthy attitude going!

[Sonny45]

As far as No Contact with my wife...it's proving very difficult even when I know it could be a mistake to talk to her. Everyone tells me to stop contact with her as much as possible because it will push her away even more, make me look unattractive, weak, and needy...but when I've gone a week or two with little to no contact...she seems to pull away even further than when I do talk to her more regularly. She's very good at hiding herself from the pain and problems that we are dealing with when I'm not around. I think she feels a relief from it, and she sees that relief as a sign to her that she's doing the right thing by leaving, even without addressing our issues with me or with our counselor. Hell, her hiding from our issues is a major contributor in getting us to this point. She never sought help to deal with our problems in an effective way, and never let me know how much she was struggling. Since I was blind to everything, she was left to deal with all our crap on her own in a way that led to this mess...and I think the more space I give her, the more she is just falling back into this same mindset. It just doesn't seem productive at all.

 

I broke down and asked her to meet with me to talk about some stuff that has been bothering me. I just have so many unanswered questions and confusions that I want explained otherwise I feel like I'd go insane. I just can't walk away not knowing certain things. She has maintained that she feels it's too late for our relationship to survive, but said she wants to help in any way possible to make this whole ordeal easier on me. It doesn't seem at all like she's trying to keep a foot in the door with me while she tries out something different...it really seems like she just cares about my well being and wants me to be ok with what happens. I know that sounds stupid in a way because she is the one causing it all, but maybe she just feels real bad about what she's doing even though she thinks it's still in our best interests.

 

We met for dinner and then had a talk afterwords at our house. It was pleasant and went well...and after the talk she seemed optimistic again about going back to our counselor...which I see as a very good thing because as I tell her, I think we both need to find peace for ourselves and our relationship whether it ends or not. I think that our counselor could help each of us with that. We hadn't talked much in a couple weeks the last time I brought up the counselor...and she didn't really think she would go back. This time, I've been in more regular contact with her about our situation...and after our last talk, she's going to go back to the counselor...although by herself again. I just don't know what the hell is going on. Our conversations are real nice and caring...we don't fight or argue...and they actually seem to help her snap out of her emotionless daze...So I don't know if I really should stop talking to her. She thanked me and said she is really impressed with how I've handled everything thus far, and that she wished she had half the strength I do for dealing with our situation...so it seems like my continued contact isn't making me look weak and unattractive...but I guess she could be saying that just to make me feel better.

 

I just don't really know what to do now. It just seems like the more space she is given...the easier it is for her to hide from everything and walk away. When we actually talk things out is really the only time I've seen slight improvements as far as getting her to continue professional help.

 

Basically she says that she doesn't think she could ever be "in love" with me again. She says that if she knew she could have those feelings again, she would do anything to get them back. I think it's absolutely possible for her to regain that "love" for me again, but we would have to put ourselves in the right situation to foster those feelings...and I think that more emotional space and time apart is just more of the same crap that got us to this point.

 

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I suck at this! LOL

[Chrome Barracuda]

Stop being needy.

 

She created this situation in the first damn place!!!

 

Good lord, it's a wrap! Let her go and stick with NC. if she moves away from you it isnt your problem, it's over right? then wtf is she complaining about. Go plan b. and stay dark. focus on you!