meanon Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 I sometimes find it hard to keep my emotions in check at work when someone I care about is upset. When this happens I also find it hard to switch off when I get home. Has anyone encountered this problem and if so how did you deal with it? A bit of background might help: It only happens in certain situations. I have dealt with difficult situations (some where people are extremely upset) routinely as part of my job. But because they are part of my job I expect them and have no problem remaining sympathetic but uninvolved. The situations I have difficulty with are unexpected. They involve people who I perceive as being isolated (usually because of seniority) and do not express emotion readily (classic inarticulate Englishman type). I've been so specific here I'm not sure anyone will have encountered this problem but any views would be most welcome. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Sorry meanon, but it has taken a great deal of thought on a Friday PM after happy hour to digest your post *classic inarticulate Englishman type*. Anyway, it seems to me that you need to install a circuit breaker into the emotional lines of communication. In essence, you're bringing the baggage from your work home. The theory, as I've been told, is to weigh the emotional reaction against whatever the worst case scenerio would be. I mean DEATH and Destruction, 'cause let's face it, this is BAD. So, compared to your own demise, how bad is someone you care about being upset? This seems to really put things in perspective quickly and efficiently. By the way, what do you mean "classic inarticulate Englishman." You want to find inarticulate, try customer service in the southern USA! Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 LOL Samson - that did the trick. Why didn't I think of that? Thanks *classic inarticulate Englishman type*. Easiest way to illustrate this is that Hugh Grant always plays one in films: Four Weddings and a Funeral, Love Actually etc. Oh No Wait - those are Chick flicks, can't see you sitting through them. I can't readily find a description but basically all emotion is kept strictly under lock and key then on the very rare occasions when they try and articulate it - it's very tortured and suggestive of deep emotional turmoil. Women usually find it endearing as the fact that only they see it makes them feel special and I guess because it's so intense. I don't find it endearing at work but now I think of it - that's why it bothers me so much. I feel responsible for helping them feel better because I know how upset they are and that they will not be talking to anyone else about it. In this case I knew unless I could find a way to switch off I would worry about this person until Monday when I can phone to check they are OK. Wow. LS works Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 i just read about this thread in the other thread, and i think i know what you mean. is it a kind of 'remains of the day' empathy - everything silenced is exponentiated. i guess you'll know how best to deal with this - you could also indulge the grief, and your capacity for it, by renting movies that portray those kind of silent figures and work through it. have you ethan frome? pride and prejudice? er...mystic pizza? all those have figures that endure quietly. it's a beautiful motif, in my opinion. i think empathy is a gift of sorts, and sensitivity to unspoken grief a greater gift still. you seem like an unusually caring sort; that's so admirable, even if it comes with occasional consequences. you have a broader spectrum than most, i think, and it's ok to feel and celebrate that. i had a friend once whose sense of tragedy was superbly well-developed; and she kept trying to get us to see the beauty in it - it's a bit how i feel about irony. this is not a great comparison, i'm floundering, but i do think your appreciation and sharing of their pain is the sign that you are living, and living attentively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 That was lovely Jenny and really moving - thank you. you could also indulge the grief No really I feel it needs to be controlled!!!! LOL is it a kind of 'remains of the day' empathy - everything silenced is exponentiated. That's it exactly Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 You want to find inarticulate, try customer service in the southern USA! I got a hearty belly laugh out of this! I had mentioned briefly a telemarketing position in the "How do you find people you lost touch with?" thread (in Friendship forum) - that company is located in the South. Most of the people I had to call knew where we were located. Now I understand some of their reactions when I would give my pitch - stuff like: "Are you live or are you Memorex?" "Do you also do radio commercials?" Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Hugh Grant???????? OH Yeah, Now I remember: You should have just said, Elizabeth Hurley's ex-boyfriend I do know who she is!! And, you're quite right: the closest thing to a "chick flix" I've seen recently might have been "Finding Nemo." Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 ROFL Samson!!!! Finding Nemo is NOT a Chick Flick. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 meanon, you are what you are: fiercely empathic, hotly compassionate and extremely caring. You're not going to change anytime soon. You're missing filters most of us have to keep the outside pain and grief away while we pleasure ourselves. You're right though: too much empathy, compassion and caring can overload your circuits and weigh you down. One becomes careworn. Who knows, empathy fatigue might set in. If the care overload becomes too much, it might interfere with what you have to offer your immediate family. Your melancholia may make you appear distracted and sad. Unfortunately, humans do not come equipped with empathy switches (except maybe Samson )What you can do is exit yourself by throwing yourself into the business of everyday family life. Do all those mindless things we have to do to reproduce the next day. Sure the quotidian is banal and trite. But by immersing yourself in it you just might recharge your psychic batteries, help your family and have alot of juice when the new work week rolls around. By the way, I loved "Love Actually" and "Four Weddings..." Great flicks about semi-real people. Maybe I'll do a screenplay and call it "LoveShack Actually." Just imagine all the posssible story lines... Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 Thanks Jester, great advice as always. Maybe I'll do a screenplay and call it "LoveShack Actually." Just imagine all the posssible story lines Imagining it now Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Meanon, Even though empathy can be carried like a ball and chain, it is also an outstanding heart quality. It shows you care about people as individuals. Their sorrows are your sorrows. SO FEW people actually have that characteristic. I consider it more of a gift than a nuisance. I know it's hard to come home though and carry your own responsibilities along with the burdens of others. There IS a point where you have to lay them down and find the joy in your own life. I would think each person would have to find a balance which works for them. I don't think you will ever be able to quiet down your loving heart though.....it's what makes you - well, YOU! I HAVE found a nice glass of wine or my favorite 'Doctor' Icehouse.....works quite well. LOL! Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 Cheers Arabess! Toasting you now Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 HI meanon...just back and read your post. I agree with the advice you've already been given. I can also relate, because I have a habit of sometimes "taking on" other people's problems. I do this with those closest to me. A lady who used to take my meditation classes reminded me, it's OK to feel for others, but you need to remember THEIR problem is not YOUR problem..and worrying will not fix their problems. I still struggle with this one, but it makes good sense. IN the end, being caring and compassionate as you are, are lovely traits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted February 2, 2004 Author Share Posted February 2, 2004 Thanks Thinkalot. it's OK to feel for others, but you need to remember THEIR problem is not YOUR problem..and worrying will not fix their problems That's the conclusion I came to as well. Actually there is a horrid work thing going on so it IS sort of my problem too. I can switch off work though - less so people. But yes I realised his distress was not my responsibility to alleviate simply because I had witnessed it. I still struggle with this one Me too!!! I'm glad you're back - we missed you. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Thanks meanon. It's good to care about people, just try and draw that boundary around your own personal space, and "you" time, especially when you get home. You can resume worrying when you get back to work! Link to post Share on other sites
s.elizabeth Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 I feel I've discovered the best people in this forum! How kind you are to think about the problems of your workmates. I remember when I was going through a bad time in my life and worked on a graveyard shift and just was keeping everything completely bottled up and a workmate once said to me I just looked sad, I seemed sad. There was no way I was going to go into what was going on with me, but I still remember that comment and feel grateful that at least someone noticed. Not fun to be a powerless witness to an injustice though. I dont' know if that is what you are empathizing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanon Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Thanks s.elizabeth! That's so kind You are very perceptive, it was an injustice - not intended but in terms of the effect it had. I wasn't powerless but it felt like it at the time. We've had to take on the big guns but it looks like we've sorted it out at last. I hope you are happier at work now. Your own personal earthquake is quite enough to have on your plate Link to post Share on other sites
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