I think I'm trying to destroy myself.

[Jordo]

Heyya,

 

I have posed here once before, but my post was rather vague, and linked to my blog, instead of me typing up my feelings. Unfortunately I didn't receive any responses, so I'm going to attempt to sum it up here.

 

Ultimately, what I am looking to achieve here is not a miracle cure to all my problems, but rather other people's take on my issues, and your views and opinions, so, here it goes...

 

My name is Jordan, I'm single, 23 and live in Australia. I've never had a real relationship, or a girlfriend and believe me, its not for that lack of trying. When I say "trying" I don't mean that I try and jump the bones of any attractive female who walks past, no. I'm very particular with the kind of girl whom takes my fancy. I don't go for super-model type girls, looks aren't everything, their personality must make them shine.

 

For the last five years, there has really only been 4 girls who have really made me feel butterflies in my stomach, and without a doubt, I have managed to **** it up with each one.

 

I feel I'm a kind person, but I'm not happy with a lot in my life right now. I don't like my job, my physical appearance or where I'm heading in life. I just want someone to dote over, someone who might be able to pull me out of this rut that I feel I'm stuck in, and feeling this leads me to think I'm putting too much faith in finding love, and thus why it hurts so bad to stuff it up.

 

Why do I manage to successfully **** up relationships before they even start? I become infatuated with a person, and can't seem to see others around her, almost as if I put her on a pedestal. I also over think, over analyze and see signs that aren't even there.

 

I am working on my confidence, which I know is something I lack, but every time I try to approach a woman, I feel myself going back into my shell, I can't seem to break free, and this feeling brings bad memories and feelings flooding back.

 

As an example, recently (Saturday night) I was out with some friends, including one of the 4 people I had mentioned above. Some innocent flirting occurred, but nothing more. Now I have already had the relationship conversation with this person, and she has knocked me back, yet, after Saturday night, I feel i could have done more, yet I am right back where I started, obsessing over someone I can't be with.

 

My apologies for the poorly written piece, but I'm having a hard time cobbling all my feelings together at 1:00am.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

Jordan.

[tman666]

I become infatuated with a person, and can't seem to see others around her, almost as if I put her on a pedestal.

 

I would think that this could be a big problem. This tends to scare most girls away. You might be coming on too strong, too quickly, which can be interpreted as a sign of desperation.

 

You need to try and develop a very laid back attitude. You can't panic and start thinking "I have to let her know exactly how I'm feeling NOW, or she'll get snatched up by someone else!". Part of this will come with more confidence.

 

You'll still need to make the moves, but do so with a more "hey, I was thinking this could be fun" attitude instead of a "wow, you're just the most perfect snowflake I've ever seen and I want to gaze into your soul!" vibe. Those early dates/encounters/flirtations need to be more casual. This doesn't mean that you treat her like a piece of meat or that you don't care. Think about being "fun" instead of trying to romance her or say things that you think will make her swoon.

 

Just don't make the mistake of being only "fun". At some point, you need to start dropping hints that you're serious about her or she'll think you're not interested...

 

The bottom line is that eventually, you'll have to just be yourself anyway, so don't try and put together some sort of elaborate master plan to get a girl to like you.

[Jordo]

Thanks so much for your reply tman,

 

I completely get what you're saying, however I haven't actively been telling the girl i'm obsessed, just in my mind, however, I have no way of telling if she has picked up on this, which she may have. At the same time, I have a bad habit of being too nice, and falling into the friend zone, I guess I've just gotta learn when to pull up and head for a relationship.

 

I've been to see my doctor who has prescribed me a mild antidepressant, so this should hopefully clear my head and put things in persecutive.

 

Cheers,

 

Jordan.

[tman666]

It's been my experience that most girls have the uncanny ability tell when you're into them, even if you do your best not to let on.

 

What I was saying has to do with changing your mindset when it comes to women.

 

Regarding being too nice and getting friend zoned: it's good that you are aware of this phenomena, but don't let it get you down. Some girls just aren't going to be attracted to you in that way. I would say that most girls make a subconscious decision whether or not they would ever want to sleep with you within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. Unfortunately, this is mostly a superficial reaction, but if you're fightin' biology, you're going to get the short end of the stick more often than not.

 

Some of this is physical looks, but a good majority of it is how you carry yourself, and how you project yourself.

 

I know I sound like a d-bag saying all this, but it's what I've seen to be mostly true.

 

I've also seen time and time again guys (my own little brother seems to be the ****in' master of this) who treat girls a little more "spitefully" get much better responses. He's not an outright dick to the girl, but he does tease and poke fun at her a little bit, all the while keeping it fun. Is this an obnoxious "game"? Perhaps... but it's effective, and it works well with his personality.

 

I think the key is finding your own groove that works with your own personality instead of trying to overthink what the girl wants.