does (body) size really matter?

[esdn84]

ok so about a week ago I randomly started talking to a guy that messaged me online. it started off two bored people talking, new friends, whatever. we ended up having a lot in common so after iming back and forth and then texting, he asked if he could call for a little bit before I went to sleep. 9 and a half hours later my daughter woke up and we got off the phone. we've been texting and spending a lot of time on the phone.

 

as such things do, it turned into a hey hey thing instead of a hey buddy thing lol. he says he's amazed to find a girl that cleans, cooks, and actually likes to sit down and play video games. we like the same movies and music, we both have kids his are a bit older then mine and I love how much he talks about his and how much he sounds just like me talking about my daughter.

 

heres my self confidence issue...we've done the compare horrible relationships thing. he says he likes a girl with something to hold on and thicker isn't bad at all. but I'm almost positive that ima bigger girl then he's used to. I'm pretty sure he's seen some pics where you can tell that I'm not a little girl, and I've been completely upfront about it, but I'm afraid we're gonna hang out and he's gonna loose interest. and for the record, im not huge or anything ive just never been a small girl.

 

so the question is, if someone has pretty much all the other qualities you look for in a person, you have great conversations and enjoy a lot of the same things, but body or looks wise they're just not what you typically go for, do you still try and see where it could go or is it friends only from there out?

[Rabican]

ok so about a week ago I randomly started talking to a guy that messaged me online. it started off two bored people talking, new friends, whatever. we ended up having a lot in common so after iming back and forth and then texting, he asked if he could call for a little bit before I went to sleep. 9 and a half hours later my daughter woke up and we got off the phone. we've been texting and spending a lot of time on the phone.

 

as such things do, it turned into a hey hey thing instead of a hey buddy thing lol. he says he's amazed to find a girl that cleans, cooks, and actually likes to sit down and play video games. we like the same movies and music, we both have kids his are a bit older then mine and I love how much he talks about his and how much he sounds just like me talking about my daughter.

 

heres my self confidence issue...we've done the compare horrible relationships thing. he says he likes a girl with something to hold on and thicker isn't bad at all. but I'm almost positive that ima bigger girl then he's used to. I'm pretty sure he's seen some pics where you can tell that I'm not a little girl, and I've been completely upfront about it, but I'm afraid we're gonna hang out and he's gonna loose interest. and for the record, im not huge or anything ive just never been a small girl.

 

so the question is, if someone has pretty much all the other qualities you look for in a person, you have great conversations and enjoy a lot of the same things, but body or looks wise they're just not what you typically go for, do you still try and see where it could go or is it friends only from there out?

 

It is such a cold reality, but physical appearence very much matters! To say anything else is a LIE. But at this point don't "catrastrophize" the situation and talk yourself out of the deal. Run with it! Meet him and see what happens.

 

I know it sounds like a Hallmark greeting card, but you can only be yourself and see how it goes.

[Arabella]

I used to be a very big girl... so I've been in your situation before, and all I can say is that it's entirely possible that you will hang out and he won't like you. That's a fact.

 

However, look at it this way. If this guy really likes you for who you are, and his intent is to pursue a relationship, he might not care at all.

 

I have met many people from the Internet over the years, and more often than not, it's been their personality that put me off and I chose not to see them again.

 

So, meet him, be yourself, and have fun.

 

Arabella

[txsilkysmoothe]

But he's seen photos, right? If they are truly representative, then he already knows, right? If the photos don't represent what you look like today, take new photo's and send them to him.

 

The other suggestion would be to delay meeting him until he really gets to know who you are - if he likes you, he'll be less likely to judge you based on size only.

 

Best of luck.

[esdn84]

he has seen pictures. actually he's on my myspace now and theres a ton of horrible pictures of me from my daughters birthday party. I don't know for sure he's seen them but I know he's seen a couple not so great ones lol.

 

I did send him one that was like brand new that someone had taken where u could see like belly button up. we'd made plans to hang out sunday but because of a bad situation he's in he asked if we could put it off.

 

now he's just got me all confused. he wants to reschedual, but doesn't have any idea of when. then he says he doesn't know he might just change his mind and wanna hang sunday. we had this deep talk about our pasts and he straight up said he's about to give up on females. then he tells me when i do come over it should be a night off so I don't have to take off at like 5 pm. It was storming bad enough to freak me out and he said if he was here he'd cuddle with me.

 

we had this whole long talk about how he has trust issues and doesn't wanna go through the whole hurt thing again. and i was honest, I told him I think he's awesome and if we hung out and clicked right the trust issues wouldn't bother me because I have nothing to hide and no reason to be dishonest. I even told him that I'd be happy even if we just hung out and realized we'd be better off friends. He just kinda blew that off.

[Cracker Jack]

Well, I won't say he isn't interested, because it's a bit early for that--but if he continues to talk his way out of hanging out due to being busy, then it's likely that he doesn't want anything to go further. I don't think your size or anything is the issue, though. I mean, he did see your photos, so it isn't that.

 

To me, he sounds more like a scorned man who's had issues with women instead of someone who's not interested in you. I think he's probably just confused about women and love at this point. Sometimes when you meet a great person where there's potential, all sorts of positive/negative things go off in your mind. I think you just need to make it clear to him that you're nothing like the women in his past--and also make it clear that he'll never advance and be happy if he's willing to give up.

 

You're not the problem at all.

[SarahRose]

Why does he just want you to come over?

 

What ever happened to a man planning a date with a woman he is interested in?

 

It sounds to me like he wants you to come over and deliver yourself up like a pizza and he is hoping he gets lucky.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

ok so about a week ago I randomly started talking to a guy that messaged me online. it started off two bored people talking, new friends, whatever. we ended up having a lot in common so after iming back and forth and then texting, he asked if he could call for a little bit before I went to sleep. 9 and a half hours later my daughter woke up and we got off the phone. we've been texting and spending a lot of time on the phone.

 

as such things do, it turned into a hey hey thing instead of a hey buddy thing lol. he says he's amazed to find a girl that cleans, cooks, and actually likes to sit down and play video games. we like the same movies and music, we both have kids his are a bit older then mine and I love how much he talks about his and how much he sounds just like me talking about my daughter.

 

heres my self confidence issue...we've done the compare horrible relationships thing. he says he likes a girl with something to hold on and thicker isn't bad at all. but I'm almost positive that ima bigger girl then he's used to. I'm pretty sure he's seen some pics where you can tell that I'm not a little girl, and I've been completely upfront about it, but I'm afraid we're gonna hang out and he's gonna loose interest. and for the record, im not huge or anything ive just never been a small girl.

 

so the question is, if someone has pretty much all the other qualities you look for in a person, you have great conversations and enjoy a lot of the same things, but body or looks wise they're just not what you typically go for, do you still try and see where it could go or is it friends only from there out?

 

If you have been 100% honest and sent him a full recent body pic then ide say you prob have nothing to worry about have you done that? I agree with another poster in saying that sadly looks do play a huge part in todays sociality.

 

But there are the exceptions the guys who are confident enough not to care what size a women is. The key on line is honestly total brutal honestly!

 

IMO if you want to really know if he will be ok with your size then tell him exactly how much you weigh before hand. And also send those pics as I had said before.

 

Its the only way to make sure your not waisting bouth of your time and to keep yourself from getting overly attached and hurt if things go south! best of luck..

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Why does he just want you to come over?

 

What ever happened to a man planning a date with a woman he is interested in?

 

It sounds to me like he wants you to come over and deliver yourself up like a pizza and he is hoping he gets lucky.

 

Oh I diden't see this before is he doing this op just asking you to go to his place? If so then its most likely nothing but a booty call hun. Trust me been there done that fallen for it before IMO he prob is either..

 

A. ashamed to be seen out in public with a larger women.

 

B. Thinks your easy cause you are a little on a heavy side so lets get her over here and be done with it. It will be a bonus if I don't have to spend any cash on her before hand!

 

Ether way def not a good sign op not at all be careful..

[esdn84]

long story short he doesnt have a car, nor does he live far. he's payin for gas. and he said something one day about goin with us when we go to the zoo. theres one there, but not here.

 

i think im just demonstrating a lack of confidence. i talked to him a lil bit ago and he was really flirty and called me sexy and all that fun stuff. lol i'm just a spineless dweeb sometimes

[SpanksTheMonkey]

he has seen pictures. actually he's on my myspace now and theres a ton of horrible pictures of me from my daughters birthday party. I don't know for sure he's seen them but I know he's seen a couple not so great ones lol.

 

I did send him one that was like brand new that someone had taken where u could see like belly button up. .

 

Thats not a full body shot have you sent him a recent one of those? is there a recent one in those Myspace pics your talking about?

[hopesndreams]

we had this whole long talk about how he has trust issues and doesn't wanna go through the whole hurt thing again.

 

If your looking for a LTR, this man isn't for you. He is already setting himself up for letting you down gently.

 

and i was honest, I told him I think he's awesome and if we hung out and clicked right the trust issues wouldn't bother me because I have nothing to hide and no reason to be dishonest. I even told him that I'd be happy even if we just hung out and realized we'd be better off friends. He just kinda blew that off.

 

You haven't even met him in real life yet. It sounds like your offering yourself on a silver platter and you'd be happy with whatever you could get.

[Major]

Honestly, I have a lot of male friends who really are mature men. Some are married (I am friends with their wives as well-respect, respect, respect) and some are not. All of them say that size matters. The only thing is, they all have different taste. None of them like the stick thin, anorexic girl, and none of them like the girl who is so obese that the only sure thing in her life is food. They also agree that confidence and femininity is a huge plus.

 

Also, I am someone who met someone, for the first time on line a few months ago. Couldn't believe I had done it! Problem is...his pictures were nothing like he was in person. I wasn't attracted to him physically. We had awesome, conversations before the date, however, if you can't get pass the physical to build intimacy, it's forcing something that's not there. We talked a couple of more times and we are still friends, however, I couldn't see myself romantically, involved with him. It sounds shallow, however, if you hear this coming from a girl, think of what guys think.

 

Again, I don't think it's really whether a girl is thick or small, I think it's that guys preference and his honesty with himself and the girl he is communicating with. In my description, I said, I like guys who take care of their bodies like I take care of mine. Not that a gym rat is what I was searching for, however, in person, I have tried to date heavy guys before and honestly, I just couldn't get into them romantically. However, we remained friends because they are cool guys.

 

If you said he has pictures (up to date pictures), face and full body shots, there is no reason to be concerned. I think the more honest you are with him, and him with you, it gives you more reality to build from vs. fantasy. That's easy to do when you are on a phone or text messaging. Intimacy in person is usually a bit different unless both people have been totally honest from the beginning. Then, there is a pleasant energy that happens during the date because everything is confirmed as opposed to discovered. For example, he loved my hair in the photos. I told him right out that I wear extensions. Why? Because that's apart of my look and there are some guys who cannot stand women with fake hair. I didn't want to waste my time or his with a meeting. There are plenty of other guys who could care less. The bottom line is, there are no emotional ties or investment yet, so don't start compromising what you want and who you are for a fantasy or someone you don't know. You really "don't" know this person. Think about it...there are sex lines and all that jazz that guys call. It's a fantasy. Anyone can be any person on the phone. It takes time, like 6 months to a year to really know who you are with. Just enjoy it as a date and let it be. Just be honest.

Edited June 19, 2010 by Major

[ADF]

I understand your anxiety.

 

Unfortunately, men are socialized to value women's physical appearance almost to the exclusion of everything else. No, not all men are like that. But an awful lot are.

 

Ever meet a man who put up with horrible treatment from a woman just because she was "hot?" I have, too.

 

Ever meet a man who found a woman so warm, witty, smart, and charming that he couldn't help falling for her, despite her plain appearance? Neither have I.

 

There is simply no way to predict how a person will react when they meet you in person for the first time. There is simply no way to eliminate that element of risk from a first meeting.

Edited June 19, 2010 by ADF

[esdn84]

actually after another long talk last night he got ahold of me this morning and asked if I'd made plans yet. something that i said, he wouldn't say what, made him change his mind.

 

hopesndreams, I appreciate your input, however I don't see how telling someone you'd be happy to pursue things with them and equally happy just to hang out and be a friend to them is offering yourself on a silver platter. honestly with a first meeting things can go either way. and I would be completely happy either way.

 

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions

 

lol i'm a nervous girl. I haven't really been back in the dating scene for 3 or 4 years so its kinda intimidating.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

She never did bother to answer my question meh oh well best of luck anyways

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

Also, I am someone who met someone, for the first time on line a few months ago. Couldn't believe I had done it! Problem is...his pictures were nothing like he was in person. I wasn't attracted to him physically. We had awesome, conversations before the date, however, if you can't get pass the physical to build intimacy, it's forcing something that's not there. We talked a couple of more times and we are still friends, however, I couldn't see myself romantically, involved with him. It sounds shallow, however, if you hear this coming from a girl, think of what guys think.

 

 

Thats bang on! I think allot of people don't send current full body shots because their afraid of rejection this only causes hurt and rejection anyways in the end.

 

Thats prob why allot of guys doing on line dating are a bit jaded at times the female sends a pic of when she was 115 pounds and then shows up at like 200 and expects the guy to just look past it lmao.

 

Im not saying thats what your doing op but its just a sad fact of on line dating it seams I suppose guys do it as well to some extent.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Why don't you try to lose the weight? Are YOU happy with your weight? I am assuming that your weight is not due to a medical condition.

 

The sad truth is 99% of men do not like very overweight women. And those that do usually have few other options. I am just saying that by staying the size that you are, you are severly limiting your dating options.

 

BTW I have struggled with weight all my life so I know how hard it can be.

[Corporate]

ok so about a week ago I randomly started talking to a guy that messaged me online. it started off two bored people talking, new friends, whatever. we ended up having a lot in common so after iming back and forth and then texting, he asked if he could call for a little bit before I went to sleep. 9 and a half hours later my daughter woke up and we got off the phone. we've been texting and spending a lot of time on the phone.

 

What website are you on that have people randomly message you?

[Corporate]

actually after another long talk last night he got ahold of me this morning and asked if I'd made plans yet. something that i said, he wouldn't say what, made him change his mind.

 

hopesndreams, I appreciate your input, however I don't see how telling someone you'd be happy to pursue things with them and equally happy just to hang out and be a friend to them is offering yourself on a silver platter. honestly with a first meeting things can go either way. and I would be completely happy either way.

 

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions

 

lol i'm a nervous girl. I haven't really been back in the dating scene for 3 or 4 years so its kinda intimidating.

 

How much do you really know this guy? Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and looking for a mistress?

[esdn84]

ha so i just noticed there was a page two.

 

so yes, he had seen recent pics. in the full body ones I think he'd seen I'm actually heavier then I am now.

 

Like I said I'm not huge, I'm just....cushy lol. I've never been a small girl, after I had my daughter I was pretty big but its very slowly coming off.

 

We did hang out, had a great time. Went out to dinner, and then watched a couple movies at his house. he did tell me that right now he just doesn't want to get into a relationship with everything he's got going on, which i can understand. he had a couple friends that showed up while I was there. plus his brother stopped by for awhile. he did kiss me and we cuddled on the couch for awhile. it was a really nice time actually. and hes messaged me a coupla times since then, plus he called to make sure I got home all right......so I don't know

[SpanksTheMonkey]

ha so i just noticed there was a page two.

 

so yes, he had seen recent pics. in the full body ones I think he'd seen I'm actually heavier then I am now.

 

Like I said I'm not huge, I'm just....cushy lol. I've never been a small girl, after I had my daughter I was pretty big but its very slowly coming off.

 

We did hang out, had a great time. Went out to dinner, and then watched a couple movies at his house. he did tell me that right now he just doesn't want to get into a relationship with everything he's got going on, which i can understand. he had a couple friends that showed up while I was there. plus his brother stopped by for awhile. he did kiss me and we cuddled on the couch for awhile. it was a really nice time actually. and hes messaged me a coupla times since then, plus he called to make sure I got home all right......so I don't know

 

Oh good to hear it all kind of worked out for you just take things slow I don't get the hes not looking for a relationship but yet hes cuddling and kissing you part? just watch out he doesn't try for a fwb type deal I mean unless thats what you want as well.

[esdn84]

that parts kinda confusing me too. i don't remember if i put this before or not, but before we hung out he told me he was thinking of just giving up on females all together and that he wanted to hang out but didn't want to drag me into anything.

 

the situation with his ex is that she's pregnant and it happened right around the time they broke up. he told her he wants a dna test since they'd only had sex like one time the month she got pregnant and they broke up right after. she flipped out and threatend to move away so he couldn't see it. she'll text him how much she misses him or wants to talk to him but then if he doesn't answer will ask if he's with some skank and tell him he can't ever see his kid. he had a hell of a time with his sons mother, she refused to let him see them for years and he finally got custody of the oldest and gets to see the youngest regularly, he talks about his sons all the time and his living room is plastered with kid pictures. you can tell how much he loves his kids, so the one that might be pregnant doing that is tearing him up.

 

so on the one hand i can understand not wanting to get into a relationship. on the other hand I just don't know.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

that parts kinda confusing me too. i don't remember if i put this before or not, but before we hung out he told me he was thinking of just giving up on females all together and that he wanted to hang out but didn't want to drag me into anything.

 

the situation with his ex is that she's pregnant and it happened right around the time they broke up. he told her he wants a dna test since they'd only had sex like one time the month she got pregnant and they broke up right after. she flipped out and threatend to move away so he couldn't see it. she'll text him how much she misses him or wants to talk to him but then if he doesn't answer will ask if he's with some skank and tell him he can't ever see his kid. he had a hell of a time with his sons mother, she refused to let him see them for years and he finally got custody of the oldest and gets to see the youngest regularly, he talks about his sons all the time and his living room is plastered with kid pictures. you can tell how much he loves his kids, so the one that might be pregnant doing that is tearing him up.

 

so on the one hand i can understand not wanting to get into a relationship. on the other hand I just don't know.

 

Sounds like this guys got allot on his plate he needs to see a attorney about that crazy ex of his. If shes pulling that kind of crap about taking a paternity test ide have serious doubts its not just a mad ploy to keep him in her life for a while longer.

 

He just sounds mixed up at the moment my advice keep your distance be friends talk to him but don't jump into anything just yet. He needs to get his life in order a bit more before he offer anyone a chance at a happy stable relationship.

 

Even just being a bed buddy with this guy would have drama attached at this point in his life im sure. Think about yourself 1st here op I just don't think hes a good catch even prospect at the moment for you sorry.

[marsle85]

 

as such things do, it turned into a hey hey thing instead of a hey buddy thing lol.

 

For one, you're hilarious lol.

 

Two... there's simply nothing you can do. Just wait it out, be yourself and don't go out of your way to make up for your insecurity. Don't chase him, don't ditch friends, don't do ANYTHING different. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't like you (hey hey) but it certainly isn't the end of the world if he DOES.

 

Be natural, cool and sexy.

Goodluck!