am I being silly

[maybebaby]

I am really struggling right now and I need some amount of feedback or support. I met the love of my life and my perfect match 9 months ago. He asked me to marry him on our 6 month anniversary. We are very much in love and it's going wonderfully. We bought a house together a few month ago and almost everything is perfect.

 

The problem is that since we got engaged we have had maybe one conversation of any substance on when to get married. The rest of the time if I try to bring it up he avoids talking about it or promises to talk about it "this weekend" or whatever else and then we never do. I'm not pushing to get married tomorrow by any means but even a year or 18 months in the future means I should be able to start planning now. I don't know why we can't just have this one conversation. Why did he ask me to marry him if he doesn't actually want to plan to get married!? It's exhausting me emotionally and I try not to bring it up but about every 3 weeks I try and ever three weeks he adeptly slips out of talking about it.

What's wrong with me, why would he ask me to marry him but then refuse to talk about when.

 

This morning I had, had enough so I asked my mom what she thought. Her opinion was that I should give him a break from talking about it but with a deadline to really talk about it. I sent him an email this morning telling him that, as he knows, this is really beginning to get stressful for me because he won't even talk about it. So I told him that for 3 months I won't bring it up but that on a particular date in September we need to sit down and either set a date or he needs to have a really good reason as to why and we'll go from there. He wrote back that he knows it's stressful for me but that he just hasn't had the time to think about talk about it, which I feel isn't true, and that the break sounds like a great idea.

 

Now I know I offered him the break, and I'm willing to respect that. But he was just seemed to be like "no big deal" even though we've talked about this twice before, VERY briefly, and I expressed that his unwillingness to talk was a big deal for me because we talk about literally everything else. He also made no mention of the date I set when I said we needed to talk about it. His email was very light even though I had expressed that this was all very stressful for me and it struck me as very unfeeling that he didn't express that he really understood this was hard for me, he didn't apologize that it's so hard on me.

 

I'm sure that I'm being too sensitive about his response but my feelings are hurt that now I really want to break my promise of a three month break from the conversation because I want to tell him that he's hurting my feelings by not even seeming to notice, even though I am very clear about it, that this is hurting my feelings. Obviously though I can't do that because I was the one to offer him the break.

 

I guess I just need some sort of moral support here because keeping my mouth shut for three months is going to suck since I already spent 3 months trying to talk about this. I'm feeling insecure and a tiny bit, unfairly, angry too because I feel like he's being insensitive about this and I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings about it.

 

Has anyone else had a fiance put off talking about when they should get married but eventually had a good outcome?

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to dive in with a simple brief question...How old are you guys?

[maybebaby]

I'm 29 he's 33

[PrettyinInk]

give him a break, and during that time consider whether you would really want to marry someone who you believe is insensitive to your feelings. this wont be the last time you encounter a problem like this.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

The way I see this, is that he's reached - or is reaching - the age many guys do when they see the liberty of being single becoming a memory, and maybe they're not ready for that yet.

This is not to say that he wants to stray, or have flings and affairs, but marriage... well...ya know...? I mean....It's so....FINAL!!

But it's the commitment.

 

I'm

ll be honest with you - your first couple of lines scared the bejeesus out of me - and I'm a 50+ female!

 

You've barely known each other a year, and it has been a whirlwind romance by the sound of it. And I know this may be hard to hear - but there's no way a couple can truly know each other well, only after a 9-month relationship.

I would give it at least 2 years before you set a date.

 

And you may see him as the love of your life and a perfect match - but this is idealistic thinking, and you simply cannot be sure of such a profound statement.

Yes, I know you truly believe that, but I've been with three main guys in my life, one for 23 years - and I still wouldn't call any of them "the love of my life".

I frankly would do myself a disservice, setting myself such limitations.

 

Too fast, too soon, Honey.

You need to back off and not mention it for like - a year.

 

Seriously.

[maybebaby]

The reason that this one issue is so hard on me is that he isn't generally unfeeling. He's very sweet, thoughtful, and supportive partner. The problem is that there isn't anything else in the world that we can't have a conversation about. We've talked about it all the embarrassing things, the hard things, the silly things so I just feel so shut out by his unwillingness to talk about this one thing. He must understand that it's a big deal because if I say "I don't want to talk about it" or anything of that nature about anything he gets upset and reminds me we always need to keep talking even when it's hard. So his unwillingness to talk about this one thing is obvious and it stands out. I am not in anyway doubting his love or whether he will be a wonderful and caring husband just as he is a wonderful and caring partner now. I'm just feeling hurt that this one issue is being pushed so far under the rug.

[TaraMaiden]

That's because it's too much for him to handle. And the more you push it, the more he will dig his heels in.

You should make an announcement one day:

 

"Ok darling" (or whatever petname you have for him) "I realise talking about marriage and the wedding is not on your agenda right now, and I can't for the life of me understand why, given that we discuss absolutely everything. So, I'm not going to mention it, bring it up, hint at it or say anything connected to it in any way whatsoever - Until June first, 2011.

Then - I expect to be able to discuss this with you.

It's the least I can do, and I hope it's the least you can do too. Now - d'you wanna coffee?"

 

If he then pursues the discussion, be led by him. If he says, "Gee yeah, I'd love one!" then you know he's relieved the pressure's off.

 

For now.

 

but really?

I'd give it at least a year.

[quankanne]

my guess is that in typical man-mind, he's done his part by proposing ... he doesn't have to do anything else. Marriage is something that's a definite possibility, but doesn't need to be nailed down for a good long while because you're agreeable to it.

 

maybe it's time to tell yourself to stop worrying about it and just enjoy being engaged the next 9-12 months. That gives y'all time to actually get to know each other better – because despite what you say about having an open communication with your guy, no one but NO ONE "knows" someone else in the space of nine months. Hell, DH & I got married 18 years ago today, and there are still surprises that pop up because we *thought* we knew each other!!!

 

relax, enjoy the engagement and don't start worrying about it until the end of the year. Otherwise you're going to make the both of you miserable by fretting over setting a date. I get the feeling that if you allow yourself to do just this, he'll feel less pressured about setting a date and will prolly initiate conversation.

[TaraMaiden]

Happy anniversary, Quank. I hope you have a little celebration lined up, but whatever, good on you!

[Crazy Magnet]

Ok.

You've barely known each other a year, and it has been a whirlwind romance by the sound of it. And I know this may be hard to hear - but there's no way a couple can truly know each other well, only after a 9-month relationship.

I would give it at least 2 years before you set a date.

 

Another LS misconception that continually boggles my mind. We cannot say that you have to know someone for some arbitrary amount of time before considering marriage. My biological parents dated for 7 years before they got married and that ended in divorce. My Mom and Stepdad were married within 10 months of their first date and their marriage lasted 25 years, until she died. I personally have friends who dated for 3 to 7 years prior to marriage and are now divorced and I have friends who got married within the year and are still married. Time dating prior to marriage is a moot point in my book. I don't see any more or less happy or miserable marriages based on time together prior to marriage. In my social circle it's common to get engaged at one year and married at 2. (And for what it's worth my grandparents got married within 3 months.)

 

You do not need to shelve this for some odd length of time because some people who are not you can't make up their minds about commitment.

 

Off my soap box about that one.

 

I see why you would be frustrated. It's hard to be so gung ho over getting married when the guy doesn't seem so gung ho. Did you ever try approaching him with a specific date in mind? Did you talk about when you wanted to get married PRIOR to the engagement? Has he ever mentioned the time line he has in his head?

 

You can talk about how you don't feel like he's listening to you without talking about planning the actual wedding.

[TaraMaiden]

Another LS misconception that continually boggles my mind. We cannot say that you have to know someone for some arbitrary amount of time before considering marriage. My biological parents dated for 7 years before they got married and that ended in divorce.

I dated my ex husband for 5 years before marrying him and we divorced after 23 years.

 

My Mom and Stepdad were married within 10 months of their first date and their marriage lasted 25 years, until she died.

Yes. Difference being that they both wanted that. I get the impression this guy isn't as jkeen on a whirlwind courtship....

 

I personally have friends who dated for 3 to 7 years prior to marriage and are now divorced and I have friends who got married within the year and are still married. Time dating prior to marriage is a moot point in my book.

I do take your point on this, however, but my point is that it helps if people are on the same page. Otherwise the length of the courtship is immaterial....

 

I don't see any more or less happy or miserable marriages based on time together prior to marriage. In my social circle it's common to get engaged at one year and married at 2. (And for what it's worth my grandparents got married within 3 months.)

I know, I know... everyone is different. but it's the imbalance of desire here, that is the fly in the ointment....

[quankanne]

art might have a good solution there ... though don't bring it up until after your initial offer to cease and desist all talk is overwith!

 

whirlwind romances aren't always successful, and it's foolish to try to make people believe they are. There's no guarantee a marriage is going to succeed, but the longer you "get to know each other," the more likely you'll be able to iron out any problems

 

Happy anniversary, Quank. I hope you have a little celebration lined up, but whatever, good on you! thanks, TaraM! *ahem* I'm just hoping to get some tonight

[Crazy Magnet]

I dated my ex husband for 5 years before marrying him and we divorced after 23 years.

 

 

Yes. Difference being that they both wanted that. I get the impression this guy isn't as jkeen on a whirlwind courtship....

 

 

I do take your point on this, however, but my point is that it helps if people are on the same page. Otherwise the length of the courtship is immaterial....

 

 

I know, I know... everyone is different. but it's the imbalance of desire here, that is the fly in the ointment....

 

Yep yep yep. Hope my post didn't come off as a rant to you, that's not what I meant.

 

It seems like the OP should have assessed those expectations and desires PRIOR to putting the ring on her finger. Nothing spells relationship disaster like expecting your partner to meet expectations that you never expressed in the first place. How people expect that to work is beyond me.

[TaraMaiden]

... thanks, TaraM! *ahem* I'm just hoping to get some tonight

 

Oh Lord, I hope to goodness this isn't your once-a-year treat.. there are threads about lack of sex in relationships going....

 

Just kidding!

 

have a good one!

 

Back on topic:

Art's suggestion is very good - barring the guarantee that your BF would even turn up, that is....

[aerogurl87]

So OP you two have been dating 9 months and 3 months ago he proposed but doesn't wanna talk about a wedding? Does he want to elope maybe, is he scared of being married, did his parents divorce? All these things and more can have a bearing on why he doesn't want to talk about getting married. Maybe he got caught up in your whirlwind romance and now reality's sunk in. Doesn't mean he loves you any less, but maybe he now wants to take things a bit more slow.

[make me believe]

maybe it's time to tell yourself to stop worrying about it and just enjoy being engaged the next 9-12 months.

 

How is she supposed to enjoy being engaged when she isn't allowed to talk about marriage or start planning the wedding? What kind of man proposes to his girlfriend and then refuses to actually discuss the marriage or wedding with her?

 

maybebaby, I'm sorry, but I don't think this guy has any intention of marrying you. I think he got caught up in the excitement and newness of your relationship, but now that the reality of settling down & getting married has hit him, he's backing away. It's RIDICULOUS to propose to a woman and then forbid her from talking about the wedding or marriage. I think you made a huge mistake by buying a house with a man you'd only known for a few months. Now what will you do if something goes wrong?

 

IMO you need to put your foot down. Tell him that being engaged means PLANNING A WEDDING AND A LIFE TOGETHER, and if he isn't willing to do that then you can hardly call yourself "engaged." He has made promises to you that he's not keeping. But at the same time, he has you "locked down" without marrying you because you live together & bought a house together. If he wants to slow down, that is ok. But he needs to be upfront about it, and even if he wants to put the wedding off for a year or so, you should still be discussing it & your expectations for marriage.

 

All this stuff about hinting around, agreeing not to talk about it, not "pressuring" him... give me a break! He's already proposed!! A propsal means "I want to marry you," so refusing to talk about it afterwards is clearly contradictory.

[maybebaby]

So I just want to respond to a few things and say a few things, including an update on the situation.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments, even though I don't agree with all of them I appreciate the time and thought you guys all put into your responses.

 

First of all I don't think that there is any reason to table the discussion for a long time and I refuse to do so. If he asked or really felt that unprepared I would be happy, ok not at all happy but willing to, give his ring back and have him give it to me again when he is actually ready. It's just that I agree with several people here and I think that there isn't a big space between the commitment of an engagement and that of marriage and I really feel that you shouldn't ask unless you are ready.

 

I know that the first long response to my original post talked about the concept of someone being the love of a life as being a scary thing to say. I have to say that he was always the first one to bring these things up and say these things. I understand that they are very dramatic statements but I have to tell you that we are both dramatic and intense people. I read a lot online about both our personality types and bother are intense, idealists, who are very prone to lifetime commitments, and very passionate. I think that's a very fitting thing to say about both of us. We are both in social services and spend almost all of our energy on giving to "our causes." I understand that not everyone is so intense or whatever but I simply don't believe that it's wrong to be this way. We often say that while we are both sensitive and tend to have or feelings hurt too easily in arguments when we're happy, which we almost always are, we are the happiest people you've ever seen so it's worth it to us.

 

He isn't scared of a big wedding or of the ceremony. In our original discussions he talked about how important it was to him that his friends and family were there to see us get married and celebrate with us. We aren't going to have a large wedding but it's his preference that we at the least have a ceremony with our close friends and our families.

 

I don't think that he got caught up in the whirlwind and is backing off, he recently brought up several times conversations about the timing, in the next couple of years, for a baby. I firmly said I wouldn't even consider having a baby with him unless we were married and he agreed saying that he also wouldn't want to try for a baby until after a wedding. My tubes are tied (which I did a few years ago because I have 2 kids that I have 50% custody of) and so we talked about the expense of having a baby after that and he recently opened a savings account in both our names, labeled it baby, and set up direct deposits from our checking account monthly. He showed me the statement with his initial deposit and the auto deposit feature. He said that he felt like it was going to be enough money that we should start saving now just in case and if we decide not to have a baby we will take a hell of a vacation instead. I don't see him backing out because to me he seems committed and I don't see him pulling away from commitment.

 

So here is the update portion. I had originally given him until September 10th to talk about a wedding and said that in the meantime I will not bring it up. The deal is that I've tried and now it's his turn to put in the effort to having that conversation. He agreed quickly to that suggestion and then the next day when he asked if I was feeling better about it, and I wasn't, was upset because he thought he was doing what I wanted to take the break from discussion. We then talked about how what I want is to talk about it and I've given him just short of 3 month to bring it up. We didn't talk about or what because I don't really have an or what, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But he seemed to understand my limits and I told him that I need him to meet my needs by having this conversation and I wont let us ignore my needs to meet his but I will give him a little bit of time and space to meet my needs in a way that's least stressful for him.

 

He wrote me a very long love filled email about how I am the love of his life, his princess, and how he knows that I do my best to deal with my insecurities and take care of his needs and he always feels so loved and wants to better find ways to meet my needs. After the email I reiterated that evening that I was still respecting the original offer to not bring it up but that means that he needs to do so by September 10th and that on that date we need to talk about it and set a date so that we can begin some sort of planning. He said he understood that and that loves me more than life itself. So I guess now it's just a matter of a couple of months for him to think about it but I don't get the feeling that he will be putting it off past the 10th.

 

I won't lie it's still stressful to have to wait that long, it feels unfair to me to have to wait and it doesn't make any sense in my mind to be engaged without being able to talk about and enjoy it. That being said at least I have an end date to my waiting and I know that in truth if I gave him an ultimatum today that he would give me anything I want, though I don't actually want or plan to do that, it helps to know that he isn't willing to loose me and makes it easier to be patient with him.

[BlackLovely]

OP, you barely know this guy! If he is "the love of your life" what's the rush?

 

I think that if a man won't set a date, he only proposed because he felt that he had to for some reason. He doesn't want to get married.

 

Quakanne, happy anniversary sweetie. Your response to one of my past posts was very supportive. I hope you "get some" too!

[torranceshipman]

I do think this is a bit of a worry. My fiance proposed after roughly the same time period together and we set a date within a week - he even wanted to get married a lot earlier than I suggested!

 

This man is avoidant of any discussion about actually getting M, and instead references 'your insecurities' and 'his needs'. That just sounds weird to me, as it a purely logical expectation of a person to speak about their wedding a lot when they have just got engaged. His actions suggest he loves the romance attached to proposing, etc, but doesn't want to deal with the reality that it ends in M! And this must be a big stress for you, as traditionally the families of the bride and groom will ask about the date, about the wedding planning, etc. And all the while you say 'he won't talk about it'. Why did he ask in the first place if he isn't into that kind of thing?

 

Plus planning a M in those heady stages of early engagement are exciting! It strikes me as odd that he is not engaging in these discussions at all, and that even at this early stage he is creating problems in your R by this type of behavior. Are there any red flags or things you've noticed in his character that slightly concern you?-such as has he been engaged before, is he super intense then backs off about certain issues, is he a mega charmer and is good at making you feel special while at the same time you don't feel as secure as you feel charmed, etc?

[Pink_orchid]

My ex-boyfriend did this a few years ago, sadly we didn't end up married, he did exactly what your guy is doing, went cold when I wanted to plan and talk about it. We broke up in the end. I am not sad now. I am glad I didn't marry him actually. But at the time I was hurt and embarrassed as I'd been so happy that he proposed and I'd told my friends and family.

 

We were madly in love, had been together for about a year, he was 37 and I was 26, he asked me to marry him, it was after a great night out and after a few drinks, but the next morning we discussed it and I joked that he probably didn't mean it, he said of course he did. I said 'It's official then, can I tell people?'. He said of course, tell everyone.

 

I expected an engagement shortly after, or at least a ring. It was Christmas and on Christmas Day I thought he must be getting me an engagement ring as a surprise. I got... nothing! Well - he bought other presents but no ring.

 

As the months went by, despite him telling me he loved me so much and of course he wanted to marry me, he kept stalling and making excuses whenever I wanted to talk about it.

 

He said he felt pressurised into marrying me! Yet he'd proposed and said it was fine to tell everyone!

 

Well we broke up six months later. The rows got too much. I hope this doesn't happen to you OP but it's not looking good in my opinion. I think you may have a wait on your hands if you decide to stick it out. Alternatively, would you be happy with just being 'engaged' for now, he obviously is, then at least you can call him your fiance, and perhaps discuss marriage in a year or so.?

Edited July 8, 2010 by Pink_orchid
Afterthought... and he's still a confirmed bachelor 15 years later...

[maybebaby]

I am feeling peace about all these things, at long last. Even though he has avoided the topic for so long and I have agreed not to press him to set a date for another 2 months I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore and the other night I sat down and told him we needed to talk about this without discussing a date.

 

We talked for about two hours and I finally got my answers and feel at peace about the whole thing. I would say that having the air clear has made me feel happier, more secure, and more calm in the last few days than I felt in the previous 3 months combined.

 

Here's the story... He proposed (in March), it was beautiful and romantic and we both were excited. We started just vaguely talking about when and I was talking about this fall. He wanted to wait another year until next summer or fall but he didn't say so because he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he kept his mouth shut when I asked his opinion and tried to decide what he should do. I began to get frustrated and asking him why he wouldn't set a date and started getting insecure. He was upset by my insecurities and felt that he does so many things to show his love on a daily basis that it was unfair to him that only this one issue was the one that he was being graded on. Then he started to feel guilty about how bad I was feeling. Soon I was feeling insecure because he wouldn't set a date and he was feeling hurt that I was questioning his level of commitment when he does so much everyday to express his love and feelings guilty that I was feeling insecure. He was very excited at first but once he had feelings of hurt and guilt mixed in he was having a hard time separating them out when thinking about the wedding.

 

In the end there was a huge failure of communication which is very abnormal for us but also something we can overcome. So he held my hands, told me how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with me, how much he loves me, and just said he wants to feel like all the things he does count and not just this one thing. I told him I understand that and as long as he is willing to set the date by the deadline I gave him in September that I would be fine being patient until then. We have both been happier in the last few days, less stressed, and I have been feeling much better. Knowing that his commitment is wavering and that he isn't reconsidering has helped me to relax and just enjoy being engaged for the next two months until we sit down in September and set a date.

 

I guess I realize now I should have separated the two issues out sooner for discussion and put aside talks of when and instead focused on what was going on instead of lumping them together into one conversation. The truth is there haven't been other warning signs and there haven't been issues that would make me question his commitment, aside from this one. So for the moment I'm feeling relaxed which makes him feel more relaxed too. We will set a date sometimes before mid September and it will probably be for next spring/summer. I finally feel really able to relax and enjoy the wedding ideas and planning phase of the process. I also feel secure that he is as committed as I am and that he is as excited to marry me as I am to marry him. Thank goodness this discussion took place and is out of the way! Now we can just relax, be in love, and enjoy talking about what kind of cake we want and what kind of honeymoon we want to take. In the end his final statement was, I want to marry you and I want us to have fun planning and thinking about it, I can live with that!

[torranceshipman]

Why do you have to wait until September to set a date? Why isn't this conversation just easily flowing? I mean, there is nothing stopping him just chatting to you now and saying 'I think we should wait an extra year'. It is strange that this isn't happening.

 

Sorry sweetie but I think something is still off here. This last post of yours sounds more like 'i've stopped asking and given in, and let him off the hook, so now we're both happier'. I'd bet that he will get all stressed again in September as he is off the hook until then - he has done a good job of delaying this.

Edited July 14, 2010 by torranceshipman

[aerogurl87]

He proposed to you back in March and it's now July. Why do you have to wait 6 months after he proposes to start thinking of setting the date? Are you happy with this idea? I don't think you are. And your not going to be able to enjoy planning your wedding in the months to come as a bride should because although you two decided to talk about setting the date in September, he's still not gonna wanna talk about any wedding plans till then probably.

[BellaBellaBella]

I met my DH in Jan, he asked in Feb. We had a formal wedding in May. 15 years later we are happy. Having some issues with a few things but basically happy.

 

He would agree.

[norajane]

I met the love of my life and my perfect match 9 months ago. He asked me to marry him on our 6 month anniversary. We are very much in love and it's going wonderfully. We bought a house together a few month ago

 

You bought a house after knowing each other for 6 months?

 

It took me that long to decide on what rug to buy for my living room.

 

 

It makes zero sense to me why he can't set a date now and has to wait until September, since you're obviously talk-talk-talking all the time about why he didn't want to talk about a wedding or setting a date.

 

Why does he need months to think about what date you should pick for the wedding? Did he explain that to you? Does he need months to pick up a calendar and look at it? What?