I'm not supposed to talk about it...

[LisaUk]

Hi all,

 

It's been a while since I last started a thread. I finished my law finals a few weeks ago and just got back from my first vacation in 7 years. Thing is, my friend who I went on vacation with got a bit annoyed with me for talking about my ex and asked that I didn't anymore. This upset me hugely. I realise that it has been 16 months since he left me, but whilst it is not as raw andI don't talk about what happened frequently anymore, I do still suffer and I do still need people to listen and understand that 18 years is a long time to be with someone.

 

What he has done has affected me and has left me with a lot of unanwered questions, not just about why he left, but about me and life in general. Why am I expected to just be over it? I realise I have to get on with my life and I have to let go, I don't even want my ex back anymore, but I still need someone to listen.

 

This was componded by spending a few days with her, her husband and daughter, plus some of her friends and their children. More questions were raised in my mind and yet I am not allowed to talk about my feelings. I understand that perhaps she is sick of hearing it, I do, but there are things she talks about that I don't enjoy listening to, that is what friends do. It's not just her either, my other friends all seem sick of listening, expect me to be over it and happy, whilst I am sure some will reply that I should be and it's a choice, oh how I only wish it were that easy.

[trippi1432]

Hi all,

 

It's been a while since I last started a thread. I finished my law finals a few weeks ago and just got back from my first vacation in 7 years. Thing is, my friend who I went on vacation with got a bit annoyed with me for talking about my ex and asked that I didn't anymore. This upset me hugely. I realise that it has been 16 months since he left me, but whilst it is not as raw andI don't talk about what happened frequently anymore, I do still suffer and I do still need people to listen and understand that 18 years is a long time to be with someone.

 

What he has done has affected me and has left me with a lot of unanwered questions, not just about why he left, but about me and life in general. Why am I expected to just be over it? I realise I have to get on with my life and I have to let go, I don't even want my ex back anymore, but I still need someone to listen.

 

This was componded by spending a few days with her, her husband and daughter, plus some of her friends and their children. More questions were raised in my mind and yet I am not allowed to talk about my feelings. I understand that perhaps she is sick of hearing it, I do, but there are things she talks about that I don't enjoy listening to, that is what friends do. It's not just her either, my other friends all seem sick of listening, expect me to be over it and happy, whilst I am sure some will reply that I should be and it's a choice, oh how I only wish it were that easy.

 

Hi Lisa - welcome back, congrats on the finishing up your finals...I bet you are glad that is over.

 

Don't be too upset with your friends, I think that they all get to that point that they are tired of hearing it....family as well. It's not a lack of empathy, it's that they just aren't going through the same thing at the time. While they think that, "Good grief, it's been forever ago, you should be over it"....no one really gets over trauma...it hangs there with us in some way.

 

I know you have been on the waiting list for a while, but how is it going getting in to see a therapist? They get paid to listen to you talk about it, so you don't have to worry so much about that. But it would be great if you had someone to genuinely listen that could also offer some guidance and insight....while people in similar situations try, we all have our different ways of handling things.

 

Hugs!

Trippi

[LittleTiger]

Hi Lisa. Well done on getting through your law finals. After what you've been through that must have been tough. You should be very proud of yourself. I hope you enjoyed your holiday, despite the problems with your friend.

 

It is absolutely impossible for another human being to understand the pain that you, as an individual, have endured. All your friends in RL and on LS can keep saying 'there, there' forever and a day and we will never know what it is really like to experience your personal pain. That doesn't make it any less real or any less painful.

 

Everybody seems to assume that the best way to move on from an old love is to 'get over them'. I disagree. I have loved my stbxh since I was a child (38 years) and I will never stop loving him. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world believes is right or tells me what I should do, that is how it is. The therapist I saw at the time of my marriage break up actually told me it was an exceptional circumstance and my emotions weren't likely to follow the usual patterns. I believe all of our individual cirumstances are exceptional in their own way and we will all follow different paths to recovery. I have no need or desire to 'get over' my stbxh. I have no need or desire to be with him any more either. I will continue to love him, always, and yet I have moved on with my life.

 

I think the difficulty other people have in accepting your long term grief is that they believe it is going on for too long. Too long for them that is. Too long for what they consider an acceptable length of time to continue consoling you. We all have a level of tolerance for any behaviour. Most people find other people's grief uncomfortable to deal with. Your friends may have reached the end of what they have to offer you. You have to continue to deal with your pain, they don't, and if you know they can't deal with it any more then you should seek help elsewhere.

 

The best thing I can suggest for you Lisa, is that you accept your love for your ex and accept that it isn't going to disappear in a hurry, if ever. Then decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. What is important to you, besides your new career? Start looking towards the future instead of focusing on the past. What would you be doing right now, if your ex was no longer in your head? Pretend that he isn't and go out and do it. Just for a day, or even just for an hour, or 15 minutes if that's all you can manage. Practise a bit of 'ex free' time every day until it becomes a habit, then extend it a little bit at a time. It's your life, take it at your own pace.

 

I remember, when LSers suggested counselling or therapy some time ago, you said that you needed to focus on your exams. Now the exams are over, maybe it's time to focus on healing whatever part of you needs to heal so that you can move on. I don't know whereabouts you are in the UK, but some form of counselling or therapy is usually available within 6 months on the NHS. If you can't wait for help then private therapy, with the right therapist, is worth every penny of your own money. I'd recommend a solution focused therapy such as NLP, which will help you to put the past behind you and get on with living in the here and now.

 

Of course, you can also continue to post on LS to your hearts content. Just as you found with your other friends, some LSers may not want to hear any more, and others will continue to listen. Your friends inability to listen is not about you, it's about them. It's not that they are unsympathetic, they just have limits, we all have limits. Respect your friends inability to deal with your continuing pain. All they can do is listen to your ongoing pain and suffering. They can't help you and they know that because listening to you hasn't healed your pain so far.

 

You say you have a lot of unanswered questions. Your friends can't answer your questions, only you can do that. Find a good professional therapist and get yourself some answers before you find another 18 years have passed you by.

 

Hugs {{{Lisa}}}. You will be fine.

 

LT (ex LonelyTiger)

[tojaz]

Lis, echoing everyone else. It is hard for people who haven't gone through what you have to understand and it makes most uncomfortable to see someone in pain and know there is nothing you can do for them. It wasn't the nicest thing your friend could have said, but I wouldn't be to hard on her.

 

Big American style hug for you Lis, and you know i'm always ready to listen.

 

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Thanks for the replies guys. I agree with all of you, I do need some counselling, unfortunately where I am in the UK there is just no funding and I am still on the wait list, it's been 14 months! Now we have a Conservative government who always cut public spending I have no chance of getting any. I can't afford to go private.

 

I agree that everyone has their limits, whilst I agree with this, the friend does not hear about my feelings on a regular basis, I talk with her about once every two weeks on the phone and long ago stopped mentioning the ex or any related feelings I am having.

 

It was said by her in a much more selfish way, she wanted to have a fun holiday. OK fair enough, so I am just expected to "act" fun and happy then? Deny whatever I am feeling and please others. Has been the same all my life, hence my low SE.

 

It was particularly difficult b/c she lives 10 mins away from my ex, so driving around with her, all these memories and emotions were coming to me but I wasn't allowed to make any coments. More than that though, she expectes me to never mention him. I brought up a happy memory and got shot down for that to! I tried to explain, that as much I would love to be able to do as she asked, that actually that would involve me wiping out 18 years worth of my life! This seems very unfair and very unrealistic.

 

I do understand that perhaps people are sick of hearing it, so I guess I will just have to pretend to be happy and OK and please others, be fun Lisa, happy Lisa, be what they want me to be, something I have always had to do with my mother, only feel the emotions they want me to feel.

[TaraMaiden]

Look up a local Marriage Care centre to you. They work on donations. They should be able to help.

I used to work with them, and even began a training course as a Counsellor.

They're pretty good.

There are quite a few voluntary organisations in the UK, and you could do a lot worse than call up the Samaritans.

They're absolutely wonderful, and helped a friend of mine when her husband of 24 years left her, at Christmas, the year before last. (2008/2009)

She now has a new partner and is moving to Canada with him for a new life, so not all is lost for you.

here are some links for you for organisations and Charities that can help.

 

One of these - if not more - will definitely help you.

You don't need a referral, and you may well not need to pay anything.

 

British Association for Counselling and Therapy

Marriage Care

Relate

NCDSW PHoenix ( a UK organisation, inspite of the name. It implies 'Rising from the Ashes')

 

And of course, The Samaritans

 

Good Luck.

[sumdude]

Hi Lisa, Congrats on finishing up your finals. Way to go getting through that under such emotional duress!

 

As far as friends not wanting to hear it anymore? It happens, most of my friends expected me to be done and over it in a couple months somehow. I think because most of them didn't like my ex in the first place. Luckily I do have one or two who had open ears and minds so I leaned on them, they also lean on me.. and of course there is LS! Post away, we're here for ya!

[2sure]

Your friends should be there to support you. There is no time limit on how long it takes to heal.

 

However. In my experience, after all the steps have been taken...the verbal part of your pain needs to change before your thoughts can and then your feelings. To keep talking about it is a way of continuing to make it tangible, to make sure the pain is an active part of your life.

 

Sometimes, it comes to a point when you have to say to yourself OK, I'm still hurting..but I have to put this hurt in a compartment and deal with it for only part of the time. A set time. Like an appointment with a counselor.

[habs53]

Hi from Canada Lisa. My family and friends are tired of my situation and its only been a few months. They really dont know what to say or how to make things better. There advice is to find someone else which im not ready to do yet.I feel your pain as well and i truly know how you feel.

[hopesndreams]

she expectes me to never mention him

 

Some friend.

 

so I guess I will just have to pretend to be happy and OK and please others, be fun Lisa, happy Lisa, be what they want me to be

 

 

Just be you. The warm, unselfish, compassionate person you are.

 

I've missed you on these boards Lisa, but I do know you've been busy. Your future is a bright one.

 

You have invaluable advice to give others that are in pain. What you can do to help them, will help you.

[quankanne]

sounds like you're experiencing a delayed response to events surrounding the break-up of the marriage, and to someone who doesn't understand it could appear that you've not resolved the issue. The thing is, grief moves at its' own pace, and losing a long-term marriage is one of the biggest causes of grief ...

 

I'm so very, very sorry that your friends don't get that, or that they even try to get that, but that's what we're here for Lisa, so come here and vent or cry or just be really sad with us. I know the 'Shack made a huge difference in how I dealt with losing my mother, to whom I was very close – friends were great, too, but somehow, reading the off the wall posts and anonymous jokes help me keep my bearings when I thought I was literally losing my mind.

 

if any of your friends say anything that is uncaring or hurtful, gently remind them that they are blessed to not be walking in your shoes .... sometimes, they've got to be told that it's different for every person, you know?

 

hugs and more hugs,

q

[sumdude]

You know Lisa there's another reason some people don't want to hear about it. Perhaps they know of the fissures and weak spots in their own relationships. Things those on the outside don't see. Some may be or have been on the brink of divorce. Some may have been cheated on or are cheating. The truth is they're afraid... as if somehow divorce is catching and simply hearing about it brings up their own fears. So they don't want to hear about it or talk about it.

[Steadfast]

Another possibility to consider is that your friend is simply out of answers. Frustration has set in because she's tried and it hasn't helped. Are friends really friends under condition? Must they say and do what we want them to in order for the friendship to continue?

 

Lisa, I've followed your situation and read most of your posts. While your advice to others is delivered with care, respect and deep understanding, you've painted yourself into a corner. While I have no doubt that you are sincerely explaining the way you feel, the advice, counsel, ideas and suggestions offered to you have dried up; like a plant trying to take root on barren soil. The 'ideas' jar in not bottomless Lisa, but true love is limitless.

 

Recently, I saw the signature of an LS member that touched me. Memory fails, but it read something like: "Contentment comes when we release the life we planned and embrace the one we have". There is no magic Lisa, no one person, place, or thing that will save you or pull you into the light. It is up to you.

 

I'll close with this thought. We are not held accountable for the actions of others. When trust is broken the ties, conditions and responsibilities of that relationship die with it. The key from this point forward (not just you Lisa, but everyone) is to make the right decisions for the right reasons. Anyone can be happy and content when everything is going their way. True greatness and strength comes when we achieve this regardless of our situation; selflessly. You are loved Lisa. That's something to build on.

Edited June 18, 2010 by Steadfast

[just_some_guy]

You know, I think your friend might be trying to help you.

 

Indeed, this was a big, life-altering event. No doubt, you have a lot of feelings that need to be sorted out.

 

I have been around friends who have been through similar life events. Sometimes, they get stuck and it sounds like a broken record (I'm aging myself here) "She did blah-blah-blah, can you believe it? She had the nerve to even think I would want to have her back, afterall who's fault was it?....."

 

Usually, this goes on, sort of on autopilot without the speaker even realizing how utterly wrapped up and focused they are on the external events involving the other person.

 

It isn't healthy. It prevents one from feeling their own feelings, from working on themselves, from healing, growing and getting better.

 

We can make that step forward only after being able to frame our statements of feelings in sentences that start with "I feel..." and that are more about the present, rather than the past and all about ourselves, rather than others.

[LisaUk]

sounds like you're experiencing a delayed response to events surrounding the break-up of the marriage, and to someone who doesn't understand it could appear that you've not resolved the issue. The thing is, grief moves at its' own pace, and losing a long-term marriage is one of the biggest causes of grief ...

 

I'm so very, very sorry that your friends don't get that, or that they even try to get that, but that's what we're here for Lisa, so come here and vent or cry or just be really sad with us. I know the 'Shack made a huge difference in how I dealt with losing my mother, to whom I was very close – friends were great, too, but somehow, reading the off the wall posts and anonymous jokes help me keep my bearings when I thought I was literally losing my mind.

 

if any of your friends say anything that is uncaring or hurtful, gently remind them that they are blessed to not be walking in your shoes .... sometimes, they've got to be told that it's different for every person, you know?

 

hugs and more hugs,

q

 

Hi, I think there may be an element to this, I have been so engrossed in my law degree that I have had little time to think about the ex or deal with things. Thank you for your support.

 

You know Lisa there's another reason some people don't want to hear about it. Perhaps they know of the fissures and weak spots in their own relationships. Things those on the outside don't see. Some may be or have been on the brink of divorce. Some may have been cheated on or are cheating. The truth is they're afraid... as if somehow divorce is catching and simply hearing about it brings up their own fears. So they don't want to hear about it or talk about it.

 

Yep, Sumdude you could well be on to something here! Interesting...

 

Another possibility to consider is that your friend is simply out of answers. Frustration has set in because she's tried and it hasn't helped.Well, first off I haven't abused my friend by constantly going on and on about it, in fact I hadn't spoken to her about it in about 8 months, it was a difficult and unique time for me as I was visiting her and where I used to live, lost of emotions suffaced which I feel I should have been allowed to express, I should not have to prtend that I am OK just so someone else can feel alright. Are friends really friends under condition? Must they say and do what we want them to in order for the friendship to continue? NO, and that is exactly the point I was making, why should I have to act and say or not say things, so that she can have what she wants? I lisen to her CONSTANTLY going on and on about her daughter and her potty training etc etc, whilst I love her daughter very much and I am there as a freind, do I really wnat to hear for over an hour about how her daughter will not do a poo on the toliet? See, it works both ways.

 

Lisa, I've followed your situation and read most of your posts. While your advice to others is delivered with care, respect and deep understanding, you've painted yourself into a corner. While I have no doubt that you are sincerely explaining the way you feel, the advice, counsel, ideas and suggestions offered to you have dried up; like a plant trying to take root on barren soil. The 'ideas' jar in not bottomless Lisa,This is extremely hurtful, once again I am made to feel by you saying this that as I am not performing the way you would like, I am not worth it. I'm sorry of it seems that I do not take on board peoples support, you are, howver VERY wrong about this. LS is a true source of support to me and listen and take on board everything that everyine says, including the hurt caused when things like this are said. but true love is limitless.

 

Recently, I saw the signature of an LS member that touched me. Memory fails, but it read something like: "Contentment comes when we release the life we planned and embrace the one we have". There is no magic Lisa, no one person, place, or thing that will save you or pull you into the light. It is up to you.

 

I'll close with this thought. We are not held accountable for the actions of others. When trust is broken the ties, conditions and responsibilities of that relationship die with it. The key from this point forward (not just you Lisa, but everyone) is to make the right decisions for the right reasons. Anyone can be happy and content when everything is going their way. True greatness and strength comes when we achieve this regardless of our situation; selflessly. You are loved Lisa. That's something to build on.

 

she expectes me to never mention him

 

Some friend.

 

so I guess I will just have to pretend to be happy and OK and please others, be fun Lisa, happy Lisa, be what they want me to be

 

 

 

Just be you. The warm, unselfish, compassionate person you are.

 

I've missed you on these boards Lisa, but I do know you've been busy. Your future is a bright one.

 

You have invaluable advice to give others that are in pain. What you can do to help them, will help you.

 

Thanks H&D that means an awful lot.

 

You know, I think your friend might be trying to help you.

 

Indeed, this was a big, life-altering event. No doubt, you have a lot of feelings that need to be sorted out.

 

I have been around friends who have been through similar life events. Sometimes, they get stuck and it sounds like a broken record (I'm aging myself here) "She did blah-blah-blah, can you believe it? She had the nerve to even think I would want to have her back, afterall who's fault was it?....."

 

Usually, this goes on, sort of on autopilot without the speaker even realizing how utterly wrapped up and focused they are on the external events involving the other person.

 

It isn't healthy. It prevents one from feeling their own feelings, from working on themselves, from healing, growing and getting better.

 

We can make that step forward only after being able to frame our statements of feelings in sentences that start with "I feel..." and that are more about the present, rather than the past and all about ourselves, rather than others.

 

This is was I was doing, I was expressing how I felt.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I am starting to realise some things about how the majority of people work, not all but most, perhaps this is all I need to know to answer my questions. I am sick and tired of being used and abused and taken for granted, from now on people are going to be very surpised by my responses to their bad treatment of me. I NEVER treat someone without care, I always have good intention in my heart, h**l I just spent an entire vacation pretending to be the life and soul b/c it was what my friend wanted, yet not for one second did she think about how that would make me feel. WTF!!!

[LittleTiger]

I am sick and tired of being used and abused and taken for granted, from now on people are going to be very surpised by my responses to their bad treatment of me. I NEVER treat someone without care, I always have good intention in my heart, h**l I just spent an entire vacation pretending to be the life and soul b/c it was what my friend wanted, yet not for one second did she think about how that would make me feel. WTF!!!

 

Lisa, this is one of the best posts I think you have ever written!

 

Just remember assertiveness is more productive than aggression (I should listen to my own advice sometimes )

 

I hope these sentiments also extend to your immediate family members?

[Steadfast]

Lisa, please reconsider my position. Read my post again...it was not meant to the hurtful. If I didn't care or was not touched by your situation I would not have responded. Deep in your heart I hope you know that.

 

You are sensitive dear Lisa but this is no insult. We all are, to some extent. Now that you've defined the details I do see your point and agree that after so long, your friend should have opened her heart. Instead, you were forced to close yours. I'm lucky; my friends circle is still there for me.

 

I'm sorry for this and like a good friend, take your anger in stride.

 

Everyone here in heartbreak hotel has a story...we've all been hurt. I forget that people just might want to vent. For what it's worth, I don't have any expectations I'd like to see realized by you...but I do have a sincere hope that your new path brings all the good things you deserve. For now, we look inside and strive to believe again that love is returned.

 

My best to you sweet soul, and hugs-

 

Steadfast

[tojaz]

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I am starting to realise some things about how the majority of people work, not all but most, perhaps this is all I need to know to answer my questions. I am sick and tired of being used and abused and taken for granted, from now on people are going to be very surpised by my responses to their bad treatment of me. I NEVER treat someone without care, I always have good intention in my heart, h**l I just spent an entire vacation pretending to be the life and soul b/c it was what my friend wanted, yet not for one second did she think about how that would make me feel. WTF!!!

 

Lisa I love this post. Theres a bunch i would like to say, but I can sum it up with just this. I'm proud of you!

 

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lisa, please reconsider my position. Read my post again...it was not meant to the hurtful. If I didn't care or was not touched by your situation I would not have responded. Deep in your heart I hope you know that.

 

You are sensitive dear Lisa but this is no insult. We all are, to some extent. Now that you've defined the details I do see your point and agree that after so long, your friend should have opened her heart. Instead, you were forced to close yours. I'm lucky; my friends circle is still there for me.

 

I'm sorry for this and like a good friend, take your anger in stride.

 

Everyone here in heartbreak hotel has a story...we've all been hurt. I forget that people just might want to vent. For what it's worth, I don't have any expectations I'd like to see realized by you...but I do have a sincere hope that your new path brings all the good things you deserve. For now, we look inside and strive to believe again that love is returned.

 

My best to you sweet soul, and hugs-

 

Steadfast

 

My apologies Steadfast, I don't handle criticism well, it is a failing of mine, see I live with an extremely emotionally abusive mother, who my whole life, if I put one toe out of line, or rather what she considers to be out of line, I am punished serevely, love is withdrawn, I am chastised and screamed at. Consequently i am a pleaser, I hate to uepst people, yet i am slowing starting to realise that it does not matter what i do, it is nver right. Howver, when I heard you say "the ideas pot is not bottomless" to me it made me feel that i was not living up to the expectations of those that try to help me, does that make sense, i feel awful when i fail, i have to be perfect, all the time, to fail is to have love taken away. This is not your problem and it is not b/c of anything you did. I am truely sorry for my outburst.

[Steadfast]

Enough of that...I'll take like the good natured sparring partner over the apologist any day. Lisa will decide and should only answer for Lisa. Ever.

 

=)

 

That's my way of saying you have my permission to start kicking ass and taking names (not that you need it).

 

 

...I live with an extremely emotionally abusive mother...love is withdrawn...

 

 

Tell you mother (or whoever tries to run your life) that there isn't room in your shoes for two pairs of feet. You are responsible for you. No one else.

 

 

Howver, when I heard you say "the ideas pot is not bottomless" to me it made me feel that i was not living up to the expectations of those that try to help me

 

 

You can read, take suggestions, advice and direction until you're blue in the face but you won't achieve true happiness and peace until you make the decision to love yourself. The 'advice bag' does have its limits, and in case you haven't noticed, it isn't really helping. Those things; the counsel of a good friend, exercises that strengthen the mind, body and spirit only contribute positively when you've turned the corner emotionally. And while this may sound self-centered, the fact remains that we can't really help anyone until we've got our own kit in order. Fasten your oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs.

 

Only love...real love, exists without limits. You've proven you have a lot of it to share Lisa and obviously, so much more. If you allow it, your pain will turn into resolve, and the guilt placed upon you by others will be revealed to you as their weakness. I have no doubt you'll respond brilliantly.