ldymj23 Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 This is the first time I have tried something like this, but I am lost... Here it goes: Five years ago I became friends with a someone who I thought was a great person. We remained friends for three years. We were as close a sisters and shared everything (except for men I thought). Then her husband was killed by a car and everything changed. My ex-husband (husband at the time) and I tried to help her in many ways. She had two children and my husband would help her with taking them monster trucks as their dad had done along with many other things. Then I decided to leave my husband.. I had told this person who I thought was my best friend this and she then went into my husbands work and told him, "Don't worry your girlfried is here now." That night I was on the computer and she sent him an e-mail. So curious me decided to read it. Was I surprised to see what she had wrote about me. Telling him I was nothing and that if he needed anything she was there. This e-mail happened two years ago and I still remember her famous line... "It was an easy decision to make, I choose to remain friends with you not her." This needless to say ended our friendship immediatly. As word got out about the seperation with my husband, I had mutual friends telling my this person who I considered my best friend had really been after my husband all along. Though my husband and I got a divorce we remained the best of friends and as far as I knew he did not keep in contact with her. Then about one month ago, they started hanging out. I kept asking him if they were dating and he said no. Then the night came he told me they were dating and they would be moving in together. I did not know what to say, not only had I been betrayed by this woman who I thought was my best friend, but now the other person I considered to be my best friend as well. I tried to be understanding and asked if this woman and I could meet to talk things out. It had been two years since we had spoken and I felt if my ex and her were going to be an item and I was going to remain close with my ex and have our four year old daughter not sense the tension, I needed to release some of this anger I had. Well she decided she did not want to meet with me. It was like she was hurting me all over again. Because my old friend has two kids of her own, my ex is forgetting about his own child.. She actaully said today that she does not have a dad. He does not love her anymore. I am lost on what to do. I am not really jealous, I am more hurt that he is forgetting about his old life and she was suppose to be my best friend. He has admitted that two years ago when we split up, he would have never dated her. he hated the way she raised her children. (she has always been very mean to them and calls them names). But now because he is lonley and he does not want to go and find someone, he is settling for her. I am at a loss on what to do. He makes me feel like I am just trying to keep him from being with anyone else. Does this seem wrong anyone besides me?? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 I am assuming that your ex-husband and you separated for reasons other than this ex-best friend. if that is the case - SHAME ON YOU - you have no right to have any anger towrds him for getting on with his life. You decided to end it and now you expect him to remember his old life. well my wife left me and if she ever showed any resentment towords me trying to get on with my life i would not be too happy. his old life was torn apart by you and in doing so made the old life meaningless and dead. why should he remember it in any form. if he has choosen this lady to be with then wish him the best and leave him alone. you cannot leave someone and then still expect to control his life. the extent of your relationship now should be for you to ensure that your children are being cared for. when my ex left it took me 8 months to find a new lady and when this happened my ex (who left me) stood in my front yard abusing me for this, and that i was thinking with my d##k and not looking after the children. what right does she have to do this - she didnt want me and i found someone who did but it was like - what right do i have to be happy again, you are suppose to be alone and miserable forever. well forget it. your job is to ensure he cares for your daughter and if he is neglecting that then talk calmly with him as he may not be aware he is doing it. my new lady had a daughter and i have 2 sons and i had great difficulty in treating all 3 kids the same - so talk to him about - but never expect him to want to remember his old life - that is dead and it was killed by your decision to leave. now the ex-friend - i can only assume that the help you and your husband gave her made her see him as a substitute for her lose. sometimes we say and do things that are not right but we do them in an attempt to be happy. all you can do is try and talk with her, you may find the old friendship can still be there and it was just her being afraid of being alone that made her say the things she did. How do you know 'he is settling for her' - he may love her. why do ex-wives think they can rule the ex-husbands life after leaving. leave him alone to have his new life as you did not want the old life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldymj23 Posted February 2, 2004 Author Share Posted February 2, 2004 Well thank you for your reponse. I guess that is the chance you take when you do boards like this. People do not fuly understand. The problem is not with the ex husband but with the woman I thought was my best friend. Also to answer your question, yes I do know he does not love her. He told me he is with her only because he is lonely and her money. He is not attrative to her. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Are you sure it is not about the ex-husband ? Your original post stated "I am more hurt that he is forgetting about his old life ..." what do you mean by this if you are not trying to still control his life. As I stated your resposibility is only to ensure that his new relationship is a healthy one for your daughter. If he loves her or not is none of your business. He is a big boy and will make his own decisions on what he wants from life and whom he spends his time with. If his stated reasons for being with this woman are true then I would have serious concerns for the wellfare of your daughter and sit and talk to him about it. I may be bitter about what happened to me but when I see / hear of ex-wives who left their husbands getting pissed off because he has found someone new i get really suspicious of their true motives. It was fine for my ex to date men 10 years older and some 10 years younger and leave my children at peoples places for weekends whilst she had all night parties, but for me to take my kids to see Harry Potter with my new girlfiend I was thinking with my d##k - please give it a break and get on with your new life and let him do the same - after all that is what you wanted by leaving him wasnt it ? or maybe you fear the grass is greener for him on the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 I understand where you are coming from, I've been in a similar situation. Even though you chose to leave it is really hard to let go of your love for your husband, especially since you have remained friends. It sounds as if you have not moved on, maybe you thought you and your ex would reconcile? At this point you probably need some counselling to talk out your feelings and try to emotionally separate yourself from your husband. As far as the friend is concerned, you thought she was a friend but she wasn't really and you haven't spoken with her in two years. You'll need to be civil with her for the sake of your daughter, but neither of you really owe the other anything. Encourage your husband's interaction with your daughter, reassure your daughter that her Dad still loves her. If she continues to feel she doesn't have a Dad or seems very unhappy, you may want to get her counselling as well. The jealousy thing is tough. I still have twinges, even though I know I do not want to reconcile. Work on bettering yourself, get involved with your daughter and activities you enjoy together, keep up with friends or make new ones, work on hobbies or your work life. Stay busy and work on being a better 'you' for awhile. When you are feeling good about you then make an effort to date. Good luck to you - you are not alone. PS whoops - change all those references above from 'husband' to 'ex-husband'... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts