Helplessly in Need of Opinions

[Crazzee]

Ok, like many others in here, I am kind of new to this forum stuff. But it seemed like a nice place to talk and get others opinions without the ridicule of friends and family. So here goes...

 

I met the man of my dreams in 2001. We had the perfect fairy tail relationship, everything even to the last detail was great. He is in the military and we moved to a new place. He had actually arrived a few months ahead of me. When I had finally moved, I had more news than just that. I was pregnant too, he was completely happy and content. Well, I received strange vibes from the woman next door, I was 23 at the time, him 31...and she was around 45 or so. I thought it was weird so I asked. Maybe I shouldn't have but you know how us women are. Anyway, there were a couple of different talks about it. Well I believe that nothing happened. But I guess that is where the story begins.

 

Anyway, I have had quite a few of relationships with unfaithful people, and I admit that sometimes I get a little jealous or concerned about stuff. Even though I try my best to trust people. Well not longer after the move, probably a month or so, our relationship started to feel different. The little things he used to do seemed to have disappeared and so on. Sex was few and far between also, at that time he said it felt a little weird with me being pregnant. News Flash- the only thing weird in my eyes is the big belly... Anyway, he has another child so it is not the first time he ever experienced pregnant sex. not only that, even after I had our baby, our sex is still neglected. he got into porn on the internet and on the tv. He would rent PPVs and not tell me about them, only to find out when we got the bills for them. Got to looking at the dates, thinking maybe I was not at home or out of town. Sad thing is, I was right there asleep in our bed. Instead of waking me, he would go down and do that. That left such a big hole in my self esteem. I do not consider my self absolutely beautiful, but I know that I have been told many times from alot of people that I am. I am just not conceded upon myself. I felt bad anyway that I hadn't lost that extra 15 pounds from when I had the baby (but hey she was only a few months old at the time). Overall, after that it was a real mind game. Wondering why he would rather have a monitor or tv screen instead of the real stuff, and I even went as far as to wonder if he was thinking about them while we were having time together. Pretty lame probably, but it tore me down. Then came little feelings inside my head about his past relationships with other women, I know for a fact that he has cheated before, and I guess that plays a part on me too. I can't really say that I think he would or wouldn't but I always seem to have a little bit of the jealousness in me. I try to let it slide, but if I bring up anything about our relationship compared to what it used to be. Most of the time, his reply leads to my distrust and his work. He is required to work long days usually 5 to 6 days a week. Yeah, sure that can play a part on it but not that much to where I feel unloved and neglected. I have also noticed little things about the way he says he told me something and never has. Or how I found out about stuff at the last minute or short notice, or afterwards (about some girl telling him that he would rethink his marriage if he danced with her). There have been many little things but probably far too many to list. I let it slide and so on.

 

I am sorry if this makes no since, but it just seems to be pouring out of my head. We have been married for about a 1 1/2 years and together for 3 1/2. Things never have seemed to change back in any aspect of our relationship. Now don't get me wrong we are pretty content in it but it is not the same. I know he loves me, but I don't feel that he is in love with me. I just feel that he could put more effort into it. He used to send me things, notes, letters, flowers, etc. But now, he don't even do it unless it is a reply from one of mine. I have caught him in a few little lies but not major ones, mainly about gambling and stuff like that. But my belief is ONCE A LIAR ALWAYS A LIAR. It was just so easy for him to sit there and look me in the face while he did it. What would stop him from lying later on in life. I guess I look at that too.

 

So now we get to the present, his job requires him to meet and talk to people all the time. One such person, is this girl. I will say that she is a very pretty person, except something about her gives me a chill. To me, maybe it is the way she carries herself about, or the views I have heard. Who knows. He's mentioned her name a couple of times in our conversations and kind of defends her in a way when I say something about her. (I for one do not care for people giving up their children for any reason, so that would probably be the main thing) Anyway, we were in a conversation one night, and I asked him what he thought about her. His reply...not much just doing his job. I finally told him to be open with me and tell me more. He said that he agreed with a buddy that she was cute. On his own thoughts, he told me that he thought she had a nice body. Well that kind of hurt too, because for the last two years I have not really heard any nice things from him about myself. Hell, he didn't even notice that I had lost weight. So I got a little offensive about it. He told me later that I had nothing to worry about because he would not give up his life with me and our kids for anything. So maybe, that helped it feel a little better but I still wonder.

 

Am I crazy for worrying about it? Should I overlook all of these things because he does treat me good in other ways? Or should I be concerned because it is my esteem and feelings that are always wanting more and never getting it. Please any opinion is helpful....

 

Thanks

[dyermaker]

I hardly ever recommend this, and hardly ever think it's a good idea, but I think you should print this out, and show it to him. Say you wrote an open letter to Jesus, but found it more relevant to bring to HIS attention. Maybe he knows he's doing it, maybe he doesn't, but there is a definite lack of intimacy in the marriage, and it's not about whether or not he's cheating, it's about how his actions affect your marriage. Whatever he's doing, thinking, feeling--it's affected you negatively.

 

If he won't communicate, demand counseling.