Fast moving relationship. Should I take a calculated risk?

[wildestkabs]

Hello everyone! I am new here and was heartbroken a few days back. Here is my story.

 

So me and my ex were madly in love with each other but the problem was that we lived in different states, thousands of miles away. Initially everything started great but then the long distance problem started to kick in and we had less and less to talk about since we were leading independent lives and togetherness was not there. 6 months later, she told me that she was no longer interested and wanted to date locally. Two days later, she met this guy with whom she had an unbelievable chemistry and since then, they have been inseparable. A week and a half down the line, they are spending hours together talking on the phone, meeting up with each other whenever they get a chance. She can't stop raving about him (we are still friends and I try to gather information from her). Today she told me that he has started leaving his clothes and his shoes over at her place and they joked about him moving in with her (remember, it has been less than 2 weeks since they first met). He has talked about getting a puppy for her, they are spending tomorrow on a cruise all day and will be meeting her parents soon. To me, this is a relationship that is moving way too quickly and I am able to recognize this, since I have been in similar situations in the past where a lot happened way too soon and the relationship died its own death shortly afterward.

 

Here comes the twist - this woman lives on the East Coast and I have plans of moving there by the end of the year. So long distance would no longer be an issue. I currently don't have the time or interest in meeting anyone new locally, since I am going to be leaving my state within the next few months.. Should I take a calculated risk and wait for her to come back to me because this super fast moving relationship could get over quickly and she might realise that she loves me and may be more willing for a relationship with me, since we will be closer to each other soon? I speak with her frequently and I know that she cares for me still.

 

She is 35, the guy is 38 and I am 33.

 

I am hoping that one day when we are happily married, I would be able to show her this post and laugh about it!

[LittleTiger]

Hello wildestkabs and welcome to LS.

 

The simple answer is 'no' you shouldn't take a risk on this woman. She's told you she's no longer interested and she's met somebody else.

 

Whatever your experiences of relationships in the past you have no way of knowing if her relationship is moving too fast, or in fact even when it actually started. It seems quite a coincidence to me that she met this guy 'with whom she has an unbelievable chemistry' only two days after splitting up with you - very convenient!

 

Even if she did meet him when she said, it could work out. Some whirlwind romances do stand the test of time. Sometimes people just 'click' and that's it for life.

 

Don't put your life on hold for this woman and certainly don't move to her state just to be near her. You will get hurt. If your feelings for her are still strong you'd be better off cutting contact for a while, at least until your feelings are at the same level as hers ie you care about her and you're no longer in love with her. Move on and find somebody new. Somebody who really wants you.

 

If you believe this is a calculated risk and that one day you'll be happily married to this woman, then you must be working our your sums on a set of numbers I've never heard of. I'm sorry wildestkabs but she's not your girl anymore and, by my calculations, based on what you've said, she never will be again.

[wildestkabs]

Thanks for your response LT. We do talk with each other and our conversations are still long over the phone. I am going to have to ask her again when they met, I am sure she will tell me.

 

No, I am not counting on her breaking up and I am prepared if it does not happen. And I am moving to the East Coast to be closer to friends and for better job prospects, not for her..

 

However, don't you think this is a rebound relationship, though? From what I understand, these generally don't last long..time will tell..

[LittleTiger]

I don't want to sound harsh wildestkabs but, no, I don't think it's a rebound relationship and, even it was, it might still work out for her. I think she got tired of being in a LDR and met somebody close by who turned her head. Her feelings for you aren't strong enough to sustain the LDR.

 

There's no way of knowing how serious her new relationship is. Does he know about you? Does he know you're still in contact and how much? If she's being open with him about your continuing friendship that suggests her new relationship is more serious that you might like to think.

 

Whether it stands the test of time is anybody's guess. If you're prepared to wait it out for a while just to see what happens, I suppose you could do that. I just wouldn't wait for too long. My gut feeling is that she likes you a lot, but not enough to wait for you to move back home. Do you want to pin your hopes on a future with a woman who doesn't think you're worth waiting for?

 

On the other hand, if she becomes available at some point in the future when you're living a bit closer, there's no harm in giving it another go - if that's you both want. I hope it works out for you.

[wildestkabs]

I don't want to sound harsh wildestkabs but, no, I don't think it's a rebound relationship and, even it was, it might still work out for her. I think she got tired of being in a LDR and met somebody close by who turned her head. Her feelings for you aren't strong enough to sustain the LDR.

 

There's no way of knowing how serious her new relationship is. Does he know about you? Does he know you're still in contact and how much? If she's being open with him about your continuing friendship that suggests her new relationship is more serious that you might like to think.

 

Whether it stands the test of time is anybody's guess. If you're prepared to wait it out for a while just to see what happens, I suppose you could do that. I just wouldn't wait for too long. My gut feeling is that she likes you a lot, but not enough to wait for you to move back home. Do you want to pin your hopes on a future with a woman who doesn't think you're worth waiting for?

 

On the other hand, if she becomes available at some point in the future when you're living a bit closer, there's no harm in giving it another go - if that's you both want. I hope it works out for you.

 

Thanks for your insightful post LT. I don't believe he knows about me but then I am just guessing. To be fair, I did go through my share of patches in the relationship, moments where there was just nothing to talk about and she felt unwanted. I tried to explain that this has nothing to do with her, it is just the consequence of a typical LDR where two people are not together.

 

That being said, I have been thinking about you saying that her meeting this new guy 2 days after breaking up with me was "convenient". Now that I think about it, I think you are probably right. The last few days of our relationship, she was trying her best to get back with me, I was the one who was running away. If this guy was not in her life when I called her and told her that I had realized she was the one I loved, then there was no reason for her to dump me and then have this great "chemistry" two days later. Logically speaking, she should have been ecstatic and over the moon, now that I had realized that she was the one I wanted to be with.

 

She had to have met this guy during the last few days of our relationship. She probably got a lot of attention and time from this guy and finally opened the door. By the time I tried to get back, she had realized what a great option having someone closer was and that is why she said no to me..this second scenario would make a lot of sense than meeting him as a random stranger at a public place and having a great connection when all month long she was trying to get back with me and I had told her two days back that I wanted to get back with her too.

 

Would you agree?

[wildestkabs]

Whether it stands the test of time is anybody's guess. If you're prepared to wait it out for a while just to see what happens, I suppose you could do that.

 

The only reason I would want to do that would be because a few months down the line, I would be closer to her..

 

That being said, I have no plans of letting her know that I have moved to the East Coast if she is still with him..

[LittleTiger]

Initially everything started great but then the long distance problem started to kick in and we had less and less to talk about since we were leading independent lives and togetherness was not there.

 

To be fair, I did go through my share of patches in the relationship, moments where there was just nothing to talk about and she felt unwanted. I tried to explain that this has nothing to do with her, it is just the consequence of a typical LDR where two people are not together.

 

Firstly, yes, I agree. I think she knew this guy before you split up and decided he was a better option, at least for now, so she made her choice.

 

Secondly, these two things you wrote that I have quoted just rang a big alarm bell with me. I initially missed it in your first post. It's another signal that the feelings between you may not be strong enough, possibly on either side, to sustain a long term relationship.

 

It's not clear from your posts how long you were together in an LDR but if you were struggling to find things to talk about that really isn't a good sign.

 

LDRs are difficult, no question!!! However, when two people are really sure that they've found somebody special, in my experience anyway, there are no awkward silences. My SO and I have been talking online for 8 months and we don't have enough time to say everything that we want to - despite talking on skype for several hours every day. I'm sure most people in good LDRs would back me up on this. Check out this thread about LDR communication and you'll understand what I mean.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234925/

 

Yes, a lot of people do struggle to maintain LDRs, but I think that says more about the strength of their relationship than it does about 'typical LDR's.

[LittleTiger]

The only reason I would want to do that would be because a few months down the line, I would be closer to her..

 

That being said, I have no plans of letting her know that I have moved to the East Coast if she is still with him..

 

Just curious, wildestkabs, but if you and she are still friends and still communicating on a regular basis, how could you not let her know that you have moved to where she lives?

[Major]

Widestkabs, why are you allowing this person to disrespect you like this? "You" were madly in love. So mad, that you are engaging, in detail, with her about her new relationship? If I was in love with someone, the last thing I want to hear about is how great his new, relationship with someone else is. Also, if she had respect for you, she wouldn't discuss such things. Ok, you are thinking of mover closer to where this person is, with the empty hope of rekindling an old flame, who has a new, flame, because although you are going to be in a new, city with beautiful women for the choosing, you just won't have the time to establish a new, relationship? Come on, you sound like a cool guy! The only way you will get over her is to love you and realize that you are a great, guy who is worthy of the sole, attention of one woman who is willing to go the distance with you. I can't know your heart and what you feel, but as a person on the outside looking in, based on your story, you are willing to give her more of you than she deserves.

[Major]

Also, don't be the fall back guy. It was convenient for her to have a relationship locally, and she was honest. Well, you don't want to develop a relationship locally because you will be relocating. Is that what you want? As soon as distance or even a necessary situation arises where you two will be apart, that she can't sustain herself because you aren't there? Why is it that you can do it and she cannot? Did you think about that? You truly are in love with her. That's why. She cares for you. But caring for someone and being in love with them are two different things.