Ex finally replied, should I respond?

[Marty_McFly]

My girlfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me about a month and a half ago. My story is elsewhere here, but basically we were about to get engaged and she decided that she didn't love me anymore and broke it off. The break-up conversation was relatively civil, and in the few weeks following I sent her two letters to tell her the way I felt about her, and then three weeks ago a final email to apologize for not giving her the things that she needed from me in our relationship. We have not spoken and I had gotten no reply from her since the break-up.

 

A few days ago, she replied to the email from three weeks ago. I had not asked any questions or requested any immediate response from her, the email had been kind of a final goodbye for me to get closure for myself. This is the first communication with me initiated by her since we broke up. Basically, the email:

 

- Apologized for not replying sooner (I wasn't expecting a reply at all)

- Apologized for completely ignoring me at an event we were both at a while back with mutual friends

- Told me that she is seeing someone else, and that she was telling me because she didn't want me to hear it elsewhere (of course, I already heard it, but it only confirmed what I pretty much knew even before then). She also pointed out that she is happy.

- Said she would understand if I chose not to reply

 

So now I'm left wondering what to do. Did her last comment about replying reflect a subliminal desire on her part to get some kind of reply from me, or was it her way of basically telling me not to reply?

 

I believe the email was mostly intended to tell me about her seeing someone else, since I think maybe she actually thought I didn't know. However, I also think that she possibly believes that I am completely in anguish (I was for a while) and unable to function in my life without her. But I have started moving on, as much as I don't want to, even been on a few dates, and I'm trying to adjust to the vision of a much different future than I expected a short time ago. We live in different cities, and the only occasions when we might see each other are significant events involving our mutual friends, so maybe twice a year or so, if that.

 

So I'm thinking of sending a response telling her that it's OK, that I understand how she feels, and that I'm glad she is finding some happiness I couldn't give her. Then, to lighten it up a little, tell her some of the non-relationship things that have gone on in my life, like work, news about our friends, etc. I want to leave her with the impression that I am a strong, mature, honorable man with a good head on his shoulders. I've accepted that our relationship is completely over for any foreseeable future, but I want her to be able to respect me, so that maybe one day down the road, if we both decide that we have not found anything else as fulfilling as what we had, she will want to give it another go. Since I will rarely see her, if ever, again, I don't think I'll have any other chance to leave a good impression. And if she doesn't respect me because she incorrectly thinks I'm falling apart, she may never have a desire to initiate contact again.

 

Would sending such a letter be bad? Would it make things worse? Or should I just totally ignore it? Her comment about not replying almost made it sound as if she expects me to hate her or be angry and upset with her, and it also just seems like a light reply would make her realize that's not true.

[Jiggly 2K3]

I was in your shoes about 5 months ago, however I replied...Trust me on this, that was the biggest mistake I made since she broke up with me. The email was similar to the one you got, and I responded similar to how you said you would respond...In the end, by keeping in touch with the ex, I dragged on with the whole getting over and moving on process. Now, six months later, if she sends me an email, I am cordial, but very brief and too the point. I don't go into any detail about what I have been up to, or who I am dating. Infact, for the most part, my emails consist of a "Its good to hear things are good with you. Things here are going pretty good as well, thanks for asking!"

 

The fact of the matter is, this girl showed you disrespect by ignoring your emails and letters, as well as ignoring you on that night out. I mean, yes, she can ignore you because she dumped you and wants to move on, I am not saying she can't. But after a 6 year relationship, I would consider that to be very disrespectful.

 

If you send the email, make it short and to the point. No details, no long winded paragraphs, nothing that seems like you are trying hard. Infact, the shorter you make it, the more she will wonder why you've been able to move on after you were so heartbroken. She'll be wondering, trust me! By sending a short email, you come across as being strong and confident, showing that you dont need her as much as you though, and that her not being in your life isn't the end of civilization as you thought it was when the break up initially happened.

 

In not emailing her, you might come acorss like she got to you, and you are mad/sad/depressed and what not. But, by sending her a long email outlining your non-personal life, you are showing you still want her included in your life (which you shoudnt at THIS point, because she dumped you, and after a 6 year relationship, it will take a long time for feelings to die and a true "friendship" to begin). You are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak is you keep her in the loop about yourlife.

 

Remember, I went through this, and am only now realizing my mistakes. Dont do the same! If you are gonna send her an email, KISS! KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID! Then begin to move on with your life and find a lady who won't drop you like a bag of rocks after such a long journey together!

 

Best of luck amigo,

 

Jiggly

[Marty_McFly]

Jiggly,

 

Thanks for the very interesting insight. You're right, she doesn't deserve to share in anything that's going on in my life, and in fact she specifically chose not to be a part of it anymore, and I honestly think she doesn't really care what's going on anyway.

 

So you're agreeing I should send her a short acknowledgement? As you said, if I don't, she'll think she got to me and that I'm sad/mad/depressed (which I am to a certain degree), but I do want to at least give her the impression that that's not the case.

 

So how did it keep you from moving on? Did she try to remain in contact all the time and try to get you to do things with her? I don't foresee anymore contact with my ex other than perhaps the occasional email because we live in different cities, and she's dating someone else. As I said in my first post, I just want to make sure her final impression is a good one so that the door isn't closed if our paths cross in the future.

[sarah12]

Girls usually mean the opposite of what they say, so that comment about the replying bit, I'd take that as her wanting you to reply. Also, I don't believe she can truly be happy in this new relationship. I've read your previous posts on the situation, and it definitely seems like she is rebounding. I feel bad for the new guy.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Marty_McFly

I just want to make sure her final impression is a good one so that the door isn't closed if our paths cross in the future.

 

That's a great attitude when any relationship has ended. Therefore, unless you said something rude to her.....I don't think it would matter if you wrote a long response or a short one. Do whatever it takes to make YOU feel good about the response....and feel like you've expressed yourself.

 

Chances are you aren't going to be getting back together any time soon.....so focus more on what you need to say to feel better....than how she will receive it. I hope I said that right. I meant her feelings DO matter....but it's more important to find your own healing in your response.

 

Good Luck Marty.....I had an engagement go bad too. It's VERY hard on the heart.......

[Marty_McFly]

Sarah, you're reply is a little intriguing to me. What have you read about the situation that makes you think the new guy is a rebound and that she can't be happy with him? I'm wondering because it seems to me like he was a big part of the reason we broke up. Not that she didn't also have other reasons, but she also became good friends with this guy in the few months before she broke-up, and I think the big part of the reason she went through with it was because she wanted to take it further with him. Enough so that I think we could have worked out the other problems if he had not come along. Is that still a rebound, if the other person is part of the reason they want to break up with you?

 

Thanks for your replies too, Sarah. It appears from many of your other posts that I've read that you and she share a lot of common personality traits, so it seems you have even better insight on all this than many others on this board (who have also given me good insight). Thanks.

[Glors1116]

I found this interesting because I heard from my ex for the first time since he broke up with me. Of course, it was only a two weeks ago, but he obviously made it as guarded and platonic as he possibly could. It was almost like we hadn't ever shared what we had, that we hadn't even been datnig let alone engaged. My first thought was, how could he even have the nerve to ask me how I'm doing? I was supposed to marry him, so he knows that I must be miserable. I don't think I'll respond right away, just to let the feelings clear up first.

 

In light of that, I might not know what I'm talking about, but here goes. I don't know the circumstances of your break-up, and I don't know how you feel towards her. I would always prefer to maintain friendships and even if you still love her, you'd want her to be happy right? If I were you, I wouldn't respond right away, but I'd respond by however feels best for you. I am also a firm believer of not regretting your decisions. If you think at any point in the future you'd regret responding or not responding, then go for it. When you ask whether sending a letter will make things better or worse, only you can figure that out. Think about how you'd feel depending on the possible outcomes of doing one or the either and I think that might help you decide.

[mandrews1119]

Hey Marty,

There you are! I was wondering what happened to you. I agree with Sarah, and I feel sorry for the "new guy". After a LTR, most people cannot just jump right into a new relationship, unless it is a "rebound" to try and help them get over the last one. In any case, it would take him at least six years to replace you, and I doubt that will happen anyway. I think you need to have as much and as deep a contact/reply as you can feel comfortable with, especially since she has at least left the door to communicating open. The rules are a bit different in a LTR, so who contacts whom isn't a big a thing. If you have something to say, then say it, if not, only you know. the worst thing is to do or not do or say something and then be second guessing yourself. personally I think she will begin to contact or seek contact from you in a more determined fashion, but we shall see. Best of luck, my friend, I have faith in you, and hope it works out fine.

[monkey]

Sarah, If this is true, then my s/o wants me to email her lots, she loves me & wants to see me very soon. Mabe your right, it's a test to see my loyalty & seeing if my love is true!