Unhappy [need to vent more than anything??]

[Venéa]

Well it's me again. Regulars have prolly read that I have a jealousy problem; particularly with one of my boyfriend's ex's (the most recent). Things have been getting better, especially thanks to reading posts of people going through simalar situations, and I understand that set-backs have to occur. Hense, when last weekend we met up with her (not just myself and my boyfriend, the entire group - she is in our circle of friends, her boyfriend is my boyfriend's best friend...confused yet? Yeah you will be...)

 

I posted about this briefly, and I understand that setbacks do happen - you don't have to go back to square one, you just need to continue what you've been working on etcetc and it'll all turn out ok. So, this happened last Friday. I kept myself busy all weekend, with friends and family - and my boyfriend of course - so comes Sunday evening, and my boyfriend tells me about his day. Later on, however, when she was mentioned, he said he'd been for a drink with her (and her boyfriend obviously). I didn't find it weird, because I know how good friends these guys are. And it's not that I don't trust him, because I KNOW he'd never go back there, it's just the thoughts of their past and how much they went through together...to me, it's just strange having her part of his life still, despite this part being so little (I mean, they don't even talk - it's only a casual "hi" when they pass).

 

Yes, I know I over-react when she is involved. I'm not worried or hurt or pissed off with my guy. Just a little...frustrated I guess, that the past isn't really the past (how can it be when it's in your face constantly - she is still always around, and thus it's hard for me to forget about the past if it's the present...I'm making no sense lmao).

 

Anyway, the week came and I was fine. It's easier in the week because she works away and is only back at the weekends. But last night, when we were going out for a drink, I got this really nervous-sicky feeling that if I saw her, I'd feel just as jealous and unhappy. And yeah, we did see her. Completely threw me off (long story but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be seeing her last night and she came down anyway)...I dunno. I just got all the old feelings, feeling very unhappy and unloved (despite my boyfriend doing nothing but making me feel special and being extra-sweet, knowing how I react when I have to see her). It's eating me up inside, because now - every time we go out, every weekend, I'll be worried that I'll see her. It's not about my boyfriend anymore, it's about me and my terrible insecurites with this woman - as I've said before, she is just beautiful. I'm scared of bumping into her because seeing her triggers (without fail) me feeling upset and jealous and frustrated. And there's genuinely nothing I can do about it - we live in a rather small town, where everyone hangs out at the same bars, pubs etc. We have the same friends who we get on with brilliantly. Hell, her boyfriend and my boyfriend are best friends who live opposite each other! It's very hard for me to get over the past when it's staring me in the face day-in-day-out.

 

I'm not sure if this is asking for advice, or more me just venting. But I feel like these setbacks are never going to quit. It's one thing telling yourself "the past is the past, get over it" and I can do that with other people. I seem to be unhappy, all the time now, and I don't think there's any way of it going away.......

[moimeme]

The parents of the person to whom I was married were divorced. His father remarried. The woman he married had also been divorced. Even though she divorced, she remained friends with her ex-husband and befriended his new wife. Yes, hard to keep the players straight but the upshot was that the two former spouses and their new partners became best friends and even travelled together. Both of the exes decided they ought not be married (as opposed to a case where someone gets dumped and the other is the reluctant dumpee) and so their new spouses were able to manage well.

 

I greatly admired their ability to be so reasonable about everything. I met all four and that the two exes were clearly devoted to their new partners was evident. I resolved that if I ever ended up in such a situation (at the time, the plan was for us to remain married for 60 years, mind you), I would try mightily to achieve that sort of balance, myself. I imagine it is much harder to do in a 'dumper-dumpee' situation than it would be when a marriage dissolves by mutual consent, though.

 

The jealousy all has to do with you fearing she is or was 'better' than you somehow or that he prefers her to you for some reason. If you are able to persuade yourself that neither of these ideas is true, your jealousy will vanish. In the case of my in-laws, everyone was quite sure that their new partners were their partners of choice, so nobody was jealous or insecure - rather they were happy that they had all found happiness! Did your bf's ex dump him, did he dump her, or did they break up by mutual agreement?

[Venéa]

It was a mutual thing. Despite them being very much in love, they both realised that it was not working between them, however hard they tried - their backgrounds, opinions, religion, likes and dislikes, everything was completly 180 from the other and they had nothing in common. They families didn't really like them being together, and it all seemed for the best to break up (despite they both knowing this, it was very hard to let go and both took out their frustration on the other - by trying to hurt them.) Also, despite this, they did stay together for a long time, but being obviously unhappy.

 

I personally disagree that it would be easier from a mutual agreement. This does NOT mean that they are amicable and have stayed friends. They both cannot stand each other now, and if it wasn't for his ex now being with his best friend, we probably would have all seen the last of her a long time ago. Comparing this situation to another my boyfriend has been in (where he was hurt ALOT more by someone he loved - and yet they overcame their problems eventually and became civil at least) it doesn't add up that he can be so angry at one ex-partner for not really doing anything. But the other ex, whom who completely out of order in their relationship, he can forgive and forget. Is this because he still has unresolved feelings for the more recent one?