Financial Support to OW

[2sure]

Personally, I couldn’t take money from someone else to cover my own responsibilities. I’m much more interested in non-financial support. Maybe it all boils down to the motive’s of the OW, what’s most important to her?

 

Like I said, its all relative. Money is not that important to me so if my H were to offer an OW emotional support, I would feel much more robbed.

[Mimolicious]

OK, maybe I should start a new thread. I take issue when people say kids are more important than anyone else in the family and I absolutely LOVE and FIERCELY protect my children.

 

I once took a Bible child-rearing class. It's a popular 18 week course for parents who want to raise their children with harmonious goals in mind. You need not be a Christian to take the class but most students are Christians. Anyway, the focus on the family was that a couple makes a complete family and the children are welcomed guests. I liked the idea because it makes perfect sense. Your kids come into your life sometimes years after you M and leave long before you die. Your M, the original family, is (usually) still intact and complete when they leave. The original family, the couple, was beautifully embellished with children who fly the coup one day. (All concepts came from the Bible, backed by Scripture).

 

When they do fly, and they will, many couples face the Empty Nesters Syndrome which can make or break a M. Oftentimes, the M breaks BECAUSE they put their kids AHEAD of each other, rendering each other null and void because of this overly used statement that kids come first.

 

To challenge the idea, do you consult with your kids as to when you and your H want to make love? Do you consult with your kids as to what kind of car you're going to purchase? As to whether you should put up a patio awning or repair the roof? No, kids to not come first in the M, the couple comes first. But that does not take away from the fact that our children are deeply loved, carefully guided, and fiercely protected in order to help them grow into successful individuals who will one day M and become a complete family with their spouse before they welcome children into their already complete family.

 

 

But that is with regard to original parents. I think when it comes to discipline, especially physical discipline, only the natural parent should handle that part of child-rearing with their own children. Other than that, the newly M couple is still a complete family.

 

ps

MM often says kids come first. He often uses his kids as an excuse that he can't leave his unhappy M. Had he not put them 'first' he wouldn't be so concerned about their happiness over his own. Unfortunately, he found cheating to be a better alternative to making himself truly happy.

 

 

WF- I heart you. Once upon a time I felt this way. After I was betrayed by my exH, I can honestly say all I have is my kids. This is why I said that my kids are far more important to me than their father. He didn't give a rats ass about leaving us in the dust to go with OW. He provides a very hefty substantial amount of financial support. I don't need but I built it, and also I guess it was his way of paying for his guilt. His OW wanted him so bad she could have him dead broke. Just like I met him.

(sorry to jack the thread but really, how are we sometimes supposed to respond to someone?! PM!?!??!)

[jennie-jennie]

Ive avoided this thread because I was not up to the shyte storm my opinions on the subject usually bring forth. But I guess I am now.

 

As a former (and reformed) OW:

 

I cannot for the life of me figure out, understand, comprehend or justify:

Why a single OW would not insist on MM showing his affection, support, and commitment to the relationship in the only way he tangibly can and in the same ways he shows the same to others in his life whom he also cares for....

 

By making her life easier financially, by adding luxuries to her life via gifts, by making sure she has all the things she would have if she were the main woman in his life. The things she would enjoy if she had not given up having a partner that was exclusively hers.

 

Thats the deal. When you are single OW, when you are not joining incomes with a partner, when you are available on MM limited basis, when you do not have the same securities and privilege he offers his wife...

You are offering him a large piece of yourself and in turn he should offer what he can.

 

I received: Many vacations both with and without MM. An Amex Black with no monthly bill, a sports car, new boobs, my rent paid, my student loans paid off, lots of jewelry and some art. A job.

 

And I am not unique. And I am not a prostitute. The value of the gifts is all relative. If I were a struggling single mother and my MM helped me out with health insurance payments, my cell phone bill, and took me out to dinner...if that was what was within his means...its the same thing.

 

Why single OW should make the sacrifices of a committed partner , without receiving the benefits of being with a committed partner is ...nuts.

 

Thanks for putting words on my thoughts and emotions! :bunny:

[OWoman]

If the BS makes more money than the MM, would that in any way change the OW's opinion in regards to accepting money from him?

 

No. Perhaps she did, IDK. Their finances were completely separate, and what was hers was hers, and what was his was his. If she had more than him, that was her bonus. It wouldn't have altered my views in the slightest.

[pureinheart]

I have a question that this thread has provoked, as it does remain on topic for the mostpart.

 

To me, it says a lot when a man spends his money on me, much more than what is seen. I didn't appreciate this in the past, although in witnessing exDM's "love" for money, I saw that his heart is where he spends his money.

 

Could this be the most hurtful/irritating factor concerning the BS? Not so much the monetary, but the emotional aspect of this matter?

[JustJoe]

Donna's post was right on the money (so to speak). If you are an OW, and if you receive luxury items or expensive "presents", then you are already into the sh*t anyway, as I see it. If you are poor and your MM is willing to help, with his OWN money, OK I'll buy that. I have too much respect for 2sure to call her a prostitute, but considering the nature of the "gifts", which is way over top of "helping out a poor single MOM, etc", you have to admit that you're not your garden variety OW. But something along the lines of a mistress. So.... call a spade, a spade. This whole idea of "I love my MM, I'm there for him, I sacrifice myself for him,etc", Oh, BTW, he pays for my life. What kind of double-talk is this? If you don't want to be labeled, don't do the deed. Give me an honest mistress any day, over a "companion". This is just my opinion, so be gentle.

[lolapalooza]

Thanks for putting words on my thoughts and emotions! :bunny:

Really? I'm curious, because 2sure's post doesn't really jive with your signature...

[Mimolicious]

 

You seem to not understand that in the mind of the OW their relationship is like any other relationship she has had.

 

You said it "in the mind", not exactly in "reality".

 

I don't see him as a married man. I see him as my SO. And as I said to Ann, there is a distinction between "expect" and "wish for".

 

The thing is, which I have also stated before, that I so enjoy my MM taking care of me. I have struggled for decades keeping the family together, taking care of the children, being the only one who provided security, both emotionally and financially. You can't understand the wonderful sensation of being cared for after decades with a compulsive gambler as an SO

 

You see him as whatever your mind wants to see him and not as who he really is because in reality, he is a MM and with a W and kids. You don't have a place in his real family, society or in the "check the box that applies" even though you may have a place where it matters. Perhaps you live in his heart and mind but what would happen if something tragic happened to your MM? Would you even be of significance then?

And I dont mean to be all about the dollar but you are investing years of your life, would you be included in his will?

 

Things that you "expect" are more than likely to be received than the things that one can "wish" for. There is an air of entitlement attached to "expecting". Wishing is for dreamers. LOL!

 

JJ I am really amazed at how you defend your MM and how invested you are, yet he is still with his W and you justify it because he has 6 kids, etc... I hope you are not wasting your life and the little moments that he can offer you are really worth it.

[lolapalooza]

I have a question that this thread has provoked, as it does remain on topic for the mostpart.

 

To me, it says a lot when a man spends his money on me, much more than what is seen. I didn't appreciate this in the past, although in witnessing exDM's "love" for money, I saw that his heart is where he spends his money.

 

Could this be the most hurtful/irritating factor concerning the BS? Not so much the monetary, but the emotional aspect of this matter?

That he loves money more than his spouse?

I feel quite sure that if a BS had the choice between her H loving money too much and her H betraying her, she'd choose the love of money every time.

[2sure]

I keep saying : Its all realtive.

 

Think of it this way : When I am dating, marrying , or being OW I am attracted to specific characteristics is men. I like guys with brown hair. I also admit that I generally like men who make more money or have more power professionally than I do. I make kind of a lot of money. So, for a man - a boyfriend, a husband, or a MM to have bought me some items that you consider over the top...another person just calls incidentals.

 

I wasnt a prostitute when I married my Husband and he gave me bigger gifts than anyone.

[JustJoe]

Oh, BTW, 2Sure, I admire the sh*t out of you. You are either really, really, really, really, really hot or the best marketting person in New York..........or both!! And I hope that my FMW is just like you. Your honesty is refreshing.

[2sure]

Money is something I will admit having settled for more than once. But the fact has never changed that I was always willing to toss it for love.

 

Its been my own experience, with the men that Ive known - that they just arent as happy unless they are the main breadwinner. The men Ive known have been way more unhappy doing without than I ever was.

 

I didnt wake up one Tuesday and say I'm only dating powerful men...it was a conclusion I came to.

 

LOL. For whatever THATS worth!

[silktricks]

No. Perhaps she did, IDK. Their finances were completely separate, and what was hers was hers, and what was his was his. If she had more than him, that was her bonus. It wouldn't have altered my views in the slightest.

 

What about all the other MM you have been with - no consideration of their finances?

[JustJoe]

I love my Baby, a lot. But sometimes 2sure, I wish you were my girl.

[2sure]

I have to go but...you want disgusting??

My H. One of his OW was a struggling single mother. I mean, I ended up probably knowing more about her than he did ...she didnt know his real name or anything.

 

He impressed her, charmed her, and won her over by:

Taking her to a chain restaraunt. For dinner. She thought he was "classy". A good guy for once . She wondered why he didnt eat much.

 

I am more insulted by the fact that he could not bother to take her somewhere he would personally eat the food.

 

For some reason, that sticks with me.

[JustJoe]

I agree that's pretty low. If you wouldn't eat the food , yourself, and you take a woman there to be a cheap ass, you ought to have your melon tapped.

[Mimolicious]

I have to agree with what someone else said- it being a culture issue too.

 

My parents come from different island in the Caribbean and in our countries, OW are well known to be fully supported by MM. They are the ones that actually get all the perks, trips, cars, etc... while the W raises 8 kids and gets just living expenses. It's very very common.

 

The mentality is to be with a MM where you have no responsibilities yet get all the goodies. If it had to be the other way around, for that they have a H- NO thanks! This is part of culture in my countries at least.

[MizFit]

I have to agree with what someone else said- it being a culture issue too.

 

My parents come from different island in the Caribbean and in our countries, OW are well known to be fully supported by MM. They are the ones that actually get all the perks, trips, cars, etc... while the W raises 8 kids and gets just living expenses. It's very very common.

 

The mentality is to be with a MM where you have no responsibilities yet get all the goodies. If it had to be the other way around, for that they have a H- NO thanks! This is part of culture in my countries at least.

 

Oh no...don't say anything about cultural differences please.......................................................

 

Sorry...not a thing to do with your post Mimolicious...just a battle I've finally given up on that revolved around those 2 words!

 

Carry on...sorry for the disruption!

[fooled once]

The mentality is to be with a MM where you have no responsibilities yet get all the goodies. If it had to be the other way around, for that they have a H- NO thanks! This is part of culture in my countries at least.

 

many of the OW on here don't get all the goodies, they want HIM and they don't get him, the wife does He still goes home to the wife every night, plans a life with her, does things with her and in many cases, only sees the OW a couple times a year.

 

No thanks, I will take my full-time guy vs a guy who keeps me hidden, doesn't want anyone to know about me but will pay a few bills for me ANYWAY!

[SidLyon]

 

Donna, you know that I completely agree with you. Seeing MM in the first place is one of the ultimate wrongs. But accepting support, emotional or financial from him...doesnt make it better or worse on the part of OW. Its all still part of the same foul package.

 

An OW having an affair with a MM has already established that she is willing to be an intruder in someone else's life. If she can justify taking the H on a part time basis, its no stretch to take other benefits as well.

 

This has hit the nail on the head. It's like the opposite of the icing on the cake - perhaps the scum at the bottom of the barrel might be a better analogy. All part of the same foul mess.

 

Earlier in this thread people were going on about how it seemed that BWs were more upset about the financial contribution to the OW than about the A itself. As a BW I can say utter rubbish. I doubt you will find one single BW who feels that way, but certain OW still wanted to ram that viewpoint home. This thread never asked us to make comparisons about which was worse, the A or the fact that funds were directed to the OW.

 

I can categorically state my H's affair is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The fact that she happily accepted our funds is a nasty aspect of the affair. Yes my H willingly took the funds from our joint assets but she was a willing accomplice. She knowingly received stolen goods/funds IMO. This from a moral not a legal viewpoint.

[White Flower]

I have to go but...you want disgusting??

My H. One of his OW was a struggling single mother. I mean, I ended up probably knowing more about her than he did ...she didnt know his real name or anything.

 

He impressed her, charmed her, and won her over by:

Taking her to a chain restaraunt. For dinner. She thought he was "classy". A good guy for once . She wondered why he didnt eat much.

 

I am more insulted by the fact that he could not bother to take her somewhere he would personally eat the food.

 

For some reason, that sticks with me.

Bleh. It sticks with me too.

 

Thank goodness MM eats with so much zest and enthusiam when we go out together. This post has me thinking!

[silverfish]

2sure : The fact she didn't know his real name is pretty disgusting..it wouldn't have cost him a dime to tell her that, and eat a taco (or whatever) just out of politeness.

 

This whole debate centres on the idea that relationships are like communist russia - they aren't...no one gets treated fairly, it's supply and demand mostly - learn to be self sufficient and anything else is a perk

[Dexter Morgan]

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress

 

payment for services rendered:o

 

 

and when is it appropriate?

 

never

[OWoman]

What about all the other MM you have been with - no consideration of their finances?

 

There was no community of property there either. These were all men who M, and were attracted to, independent women who earned well and kept their finances separate - aside from one W who worked part-time only, because she had inherited from her parents, but in that case too finances were separate as it was second Ms for both of them and there were kids - and inheritance issues - involved.

[Woman In Blue]

What one person sees as an excuse is another person's morals.

LOL...your MM spits out a litter of 6 kids with his wife and then uses the MORALS 'clause' for staying married to raise them - while screwing around on the side? :laugh: :laugh:

 

Priceless.