Financial Support to OW

[donnamaybe]

Sometimes, I should put down the tequila.

 

GIVE IT TO ME!!!!

[jthorne]

Tony would just LOVE a bunch of drunk chicks posting at the same time!

[Fallen Angel]

Hi! Hope you're feeling better.

I'm late to the party. The comment was a general comment, not specifically addressed to you.

It was already addressed in a post I missed.

Sometimes, I should put down the tequila.

 

I am still feeling that I would be better off if my head were to just explode and kill me quickly.. but it is an improvement over the past several days where i was certain that WOULD be the outcome...

 

perhaps if you passed the booze this direction we would both be a little better off?

 

Honestly though, to get back on thread, my sweetheart earns much more than his wife. MUCH MORE.

 

The amounts he gives to me in no way take away from what she has, or how much of his money pays the bills. The way I understand it, they have "her money", and "their money"... and all the bills are paid with "their money" (the money he earns); her money is hers to do with as she pleases.

 

The money he gives to me, or uses to pay my cell bill etc, is money that he would normally spend on himself when he is out of town. *shrug* I do not accept large sums from him, my pride won't allow it. And it is my pride that has him leave money in a drawer or in my purse rather than placing it in my hand.

 

But, he has more than once offered me a bank card for an account that he had for when he was deployed that he hasn't used in some time. I have turned that down.

 

He has offered to open up a joint account with me. I have turned him down.

 

He has handed me his wallet and told me to "take what you want/need". I have turned that down.

 

There may come a time when those types of behaviours are acceptable for our relationship, this is not that time. Just as it would not be acceptable for me in a relationship with a single man with whom I was not sharing a home full-time. *shrug*

 

But for someone to insinuate that accepting normal, loving, monetary gestures makes me akin to a prostitute is out of line... is it not??

[califnan]

Oh boy... My exH paid for his OW's rent. In her own words, paid for all her nick-nacks, dates, coke habit and probably her car blah, blah, blah...

real FACKEN CUTE!

 

I got up every morning to work, even when I felt sick to my stomach. Missed my son's childhood because I had to work, to pay for half my mortgage, utilities, my own car, cc's, cell phone, etc.

 

Trust me, I had my day in court. It didn't go too well for exH. Now he lives at his mother's, no luxury car and no business. I warned him!

 

I think it is despicable that another women could really rejoice with the money of a man that his W pays for half. Unless you are in an A with Big Poppa, I am sure his W is a working one. Sorry to be judgemental but this happens very often.

 

It's sad...

 

-----------------

 

My warstory:

 

H and OW were determined that that I was to loose my house... after he used community assets to put a down payment on her house..

 

I did cleanup in a civil suit 6 yrs later..

[Hazyhead]

Tony would just LOVE a bunch of drunk chicks posting at the same time!

 

Reckon this happens more than he realises!

[bananalaffytaffy]

-----------------

 

My warstory:

 

H and OW were determined that that I was to loose my house... after he used community assets to put a down payment on her house..

 

I did cleanup in a civil suit 6 yrs later..

Did you get paid back? Your H's OW sounds similar to my friend, but I'm not sure she's quite as devious about it.

 

She remarried because her H told her she wouldn't have to work. I don't know if he's cheating on her again, but she has two MM that she sees on the side. One of them, she specifically went after because he looked like he had money.

 

She's not really looking for a future with these guys, unless they could possibly provide her with a better living than her H (who's first marriage broke up because she broke it up.)

I've told her I think what she's doing is wrong, but she doesn't share my view obviously.

[donnamaybe]

Tony would just LOVE a bunch of drunk chicks posting at the same time!

That hasn't happened yet?

[sugarbritches]

It is not appropriate. It isn't appropriate for a man to be providing money to a woman at all (or vice versa), when dating regardless of whether one is married or both are single. It changes the relationship dynamic and puts one of them into a state of control.

 

I would consider financial support to be giving money. A gift is OK, if it isn't too expensive (too expensive IMO being something in excess of 1 days wages)

 

Not to get to far of topic but first I have worked my whole life, I pay my own bills, always have, always will. But your statement about one being married, bothers me.

If I was married and had young children and my husband worked while I stayed home and took care of the kids, would that be wrong in your book?

[Fallen Angel]

Not to get to far of topic but first I have worked my whole life, I pay my own bills, always have, always will. But your statement about one being married, bothers me.

If I was married and had young children and my husband worked while I stayed home and took care of the kids, would that be wrong in your book?

 

Silk indicated that she did not think it was appropriate in a DATING relationship, not in a marriage.

[donnamaybe]

Not to get to far of topic but first I have worked my whole life, I pay my own bills, always have, always will. But your statement about one being married, bothers me.

If I was married and had young children and my husband worked while I stayed home and took care of the kids, would that be wrong in your book?

 

If someone weren't there taking care of his kids, cleaning his house, doing his laundry, and cooking his meals, I wonder how much he would have to spend to have all that done FOR him? The WIFE does all those chores if she's a stay at home mom. NOT an AP.

[sugarbritches]

Silk indicated that she did not think it was appropriate in a DATING relationship, not in a marriage.

 

No read what I quoted, it said marriage.

[sugarbritches]

If someone weren't there taking care of his kids, cleaning his house, doing his laundry, and cooking his meals, I wonder how much he would have to spend to have all that done FOR him? The WIFE does all those chores if she's a stay at home mom. NOT an AP.

 

 

I agree Donna

I have a friend that use to work for me, that now takes care of her 2 kids and her H told her that since he makes the money, he makes the decisions in the house.

I would have said okay bye!!!

 

As far as the original questions, no way in hell would I take money from a man that I wasn't married too!

You are asking for trouble when you do.

[Fallen Angel]

It is not appropriate. It isn't appropriate for a man to be providing money to a woman at all (or vice versa), when dating regardless of whether one is married or both are single. It changes the relationship dynamic and puts one of them into a state of control.

 

I would consider financial support to be giving money. A gift is OK, if it isn't too expensive (too expensive IMO being something in excess of 1 days wages)

 

I think perhaps you are interpreting her post incorrectly as she clearly states WHEN DATING, regardless of whether one of them is married or if both of them are single.

 

She in no way says that this would apply to a stay at home mother in a marriage!!!

[herenow]

Honestly though, to get back on thread, my sweetheart earns much more than his wife. MUCH MORE.

 

The amounts he gives to me in no way take away from what she has, or how much of his money pays the bills. The way I understand it, they have "her money", and "their money"... and all the bills are paid with "their money" (the money he earns); her money is hers to do with as she pleases.

 

The money he gives to me, or uses to pay my cell bill etc, is money that he would normally spend on himself when he is out of town. *shrug* I do not accept large sums from him, my pride won't allow it. And it is my pride that has him leave money in a drawer or in my purse rather than placing it in my hand.

 

But, he has more than once offered me a bank card for an account that he had for when he was deployed that he hasn't used in some time. I have turned that down.

 

He has offered to open up a joint account with me. I have turned him down.

 

He has handed me his wallet and told me to "take what you want/need". I have turned that down.

 

There may come a time when those types of behaviours are acceptable for our relationship, this is not that time. Just as it would not be acceptable for me in a relationship with a single man with whom I was not sharing a home full-time. *shrug*

 

But for someone to insinuate that accepting normal, loving, monetary gestures makes me akin to a prostitute is out of line... is it not??

 

Do you think his wife would agree that the "normal, loving, monetary gestures" he makes with their community property are acceptable? Makes no difference that he earns more, as long as they are married, it is still just as much hers. He is not fulfilling his responsibility to his family when he is spending time and money on you. His idea of keeping his commitment is kind of messed up IMO.

[Ellin]

So if it was YOUR H screwing around with some other woman, you'd be just fine n' dandy with him spending all that money on his side piece? Doubt it.

 

My dear, if my H did the screwing, that would be the main problem for me, and the details such as this, wouldn't really change that much.

[Fallen Angel]

Do you think his wife would agree that the "normal, loving, monetary gestures" he makes with their community property are acceptable?.

 

Likely not, but as community property makes half of his income hers, and he spends much more than half of his income on maintaing the "family home" (with all that entails; utilities, car payments, kids' college tuitions etc etc) I would say she would be had pressed to prove that he paid out more than half of his income in supporting me or giving me gifts. (if only half is hers, then the other half is his to do with as he pleases, is it not? )

 

Makes no difference that he earns more, as long as they are married, it is still just as much hers. .

 

Yes, it is. Half of it. If he does not spend more than half of his income on me, then she has no complaint that will hold up in court.

 

He is not fulfilling his responsibility to his family when he is spending time and money on you. His idea of keeping his commitment is kind of messed up IMO.

 

That is your opinion, to which you are entitled. I do not happen to share that opinion. He is living up to the commitment to "his family". The family unit is is where he feels his commitment lies. And he is keeping that intact and is providing both finacially and emotionally for the well-being of the "family unit".

[fooled once]

Here we go again....

 

But to get back to the ORIGINAL question, which was for each person's opinion and not to make it all about just one person.....

 

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

 

Financial support = paying someone's bills, IMHO. And it isn't ever appropriate, IMHO, for a married man to be paying his mistresses bills.

 

Why would she need financial support? She should be able to take care of herself.

 

I would think that a MM footing his OW bills is pretty telling. The woman is not good partner material because she can't budget and take care of herself. Just because she is a female doesn't mean that she should expect someone else to pay her way. Plus, MM want a lateral move at the very least. They sure aren't wanting to have a worse life.

 

Now paying for dates and all that jazz, of course it's not right, but that's the way it is. And if you get a BS with a good attorney and is ready to wield the karma wand, well the money the BS can prove was spent on the OW gets taken out of his settlement. Plus, if he uses business funds, well he just might lose his job.

 

Then the OW can support him.

 

GEL

 

Excellent points and post GEL.

 

I support me.

 

If I can't afford it, I don't get it.

 

I was a single parent during the time I was in an A and I never would have let him pay for anything more than dinner/lunch/breakfast. I can't equate what a MM does vs a single man because .... the MM has a wife and he cannot DATE while he is actively married to someone else, IMHO. Just like a woman can't be engaged to an actively MM -- he already has a wife.

 

I personally would have been humiliated if someone else, besides me, paid my bills because that would have made me feel like a loser. WAY back when cell phones first came out and were huge and expensive, I didn't have one ... because I couldn't afford it. The MM I was in an A with wanted to get me one and I said no - I had no need for it nor did I want him buying me things.

 

When he took me away for the weekend, he paid, but I didn't like it. He said he did it because he wanted to go to wherever it was we went to spend time with me and make a memory. (All of this happened when he was living on his own and separated from his W). I can guarantee it wasn't for services rendered because no services were performed when we went away because he was almost 20 years older than me and he has some issues in that department.

[herenow]

Likely not, but as community property makes half of his income hers, and he spends much more than half of his income on maintaing the "family home" (with all that entails; utilities, car payments, kids' college tuitions etc etc) I would say she would be had pressed to prove that he paid out more than half of his income in supporting me or giving me gifts. (if only half is hers, then the other half is his to do with as he pleases, is it not? )

 

 

 

Yes, it is. Half of it. If he does not spend more than half of his income on me, then she has no complaint that will hold up in court.

 

 

 

That is your opinion, to which you are entitled. I do not happen to share that opinion. He is living up to the commitment to "his family". The family unit is is where he feels his commitment lies. And he is keeping that intact and is providing both finacially and emotionally for the well-being of the "family unit".

 

First, math is an exact science and half is half no matter how you slice it. Based on mathematical facts, half of the money he spends on you is hers.

 

And, as far as keeping a commitment, IMO a MM having an affair is not keeping a commitment to "his family". The times he spends with you is time that is taken away from the "family unit". I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this. Unless his wife knows (and approves) about you and the type of relationship you have with her H, the affair is detrimental to the "family unit".

[califnan]

Did you get paid back? Your H's OW sounds similar to my friend, but I'm not sure she's quite as devious about it.

 

She remarried because her H told her she wouldn't have to work. I don't know if he's cheating on her again, but she has two MM that she sees on the side. One of them, she specifically went after because he looked like he had money.

 

She's not really looking for a future with these guys, unless they could possibly provide her with a better living than her H (who's first marriage broke up because she broke it up.)

I've told her I think what she's doing is wrong, but she doesn't share my view obviously.

 

------------------

 

Let's put it this way: OW turned out to be not as well off as she would have hoped.. And secretary said after my judge/jury got done with him, he was afraid to go home and face her..

 

As for your friend - or opportunists.. Good thing I wasn't born a man .. as I would never be so Desparate to mate - as to allow a spouse to have what was not legally theirs - or to squat on a life estate - in depriving the rightful heirs: my sons..

[Fallen Angel]

First, math is an exact science and half is half no matter how you slice it. Based on mathematical facts, half of the money he spends on you is hers.

 

And, as far as keeping a commitment, IMO a MM having an affair is not keeping a commitment to "his family". The times he spends with you is time that is taken away from the "family unit". I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this. Unless his wife knows (and approves) about you and the type of relationship you have with her H, the affair is detrimental to the "family unit".

 

You are correct that math is an exact science, therefore I can not agree that half of all he spends on me belongs to her.

 

If for example he gets a paycheck for $2000 dollars...

 

(I am using totally hypothetical numbers here to make my point, and No, I will not discuss the actual wages which my sweetheart earns and what portion of that income he spends on me.. *and no herenow that is not aimed at YOU, but at a "general you" since there always seems to be some small faction of LSers that want to get deep into the minutae of the details of my relationship. *)

 

Okay, so back to this $2000.

 

Of that $2000, let's say $1500 gets spent on house payment, car payments, college tuition, food, medical expenses, whatever...

 

that leaves $500.

 

Of that $500, $250 is hers, right? And $250 his. If he does not spend more than the $250 on me, then would she not have a hard time proving in court that I somehow took monies that were rightfully hers?

[jthorne]

When I viewed the list, it said this thread had 666 views, and 69 responses.

I had to post to change those numbers.

I have very little to add to the convo.

I just wanted to say I love you guys.

[califnan]

It's my understanding that half of what he gives the OW belongs to the wife..

 

For instance, part of the fraud in the divorce was the $30,000 he put on her house.. I was entitled to 1/2 of that..

[herenow]

You are correct that math is an exact science, therefore I can not agree that half of all he spends on me belongs to her.

 

If for example he gets a paycheck for $2000 dollars...

 

(I am using totally hypothetical numbers here to make my point, and No, I will not discuss the actual wages which my sweetheart earns and what portion of that income he spends on me.. *and no herenow that is not aimed at YOU, but at a "general you" since there always seems to be some small faction of LSers that want to get deep into the minutae of the details of my relationship. *)

 

Okay, so back to this $2000.

 

Of that $2000, let's say $1500 gets spent on house payment, car payments, college tuition, food, medical expenses, whatever...

 

that leaves $500.

 

Of that $500, $250 is hers, right? And $250 his. If he does not spend more than the $250 on me, then would she not have a hard time proving in court that I somehow took monies that were rightfully hers?

 

OK, let's put it this way. 100% of the pie belongs to the marriage. It only becomes a 50/50 divide when the marriage is no longer a factor. Your math works only if he gets divorced. As long as they are married, any money he spends outside the marriage is "their" money and she has a right to 1/2 of it if they were to get divorced or she were to find out about you and decide she wants her piece of the pie back. She can choose to get it from him, or sue you for it. That is her choice. BTW, that is the way the court will see it. In most cases, the MM will just give more to his exW to make up for money spent on an affair (or gambling or whatever his vice may be). But, if the BW wants to sue the OW, that is an option she has.

Edited June 17, 2010 by herenow

[GreenEyedLady]

You are correct that math is an exact science, therefore I can not agree that half of all he spends on me belongs to her.

 

FA you won't win this one.

 

Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you like to be married to your sweetheart and find out he's paying another woman's cell phone etc?

 

If you are in a community property state and if you're not, then it's probably a fault state, any monies that were spent on the AP are going to become a part of the divorce settlement if the betrayed party has evidence. Marital monies are not to be spent outside the M, to the detriment of one of the persons under the contract. Your sweetheart and his W are under a legal contract and if she has proof of money spent on you, he will get it deducted from whatever settlement they agree to. Now maybe she doesn't know, doesn't care enough to collect evidence. I think that even less BS's care enough to sue the OW (I mean honestly, most BS's don't even acknowledge them as a player in their M).

 

But it doesn't matter if you agree that his half should not be spent on you. The rule of law agrees. And considering that that is law of the land (and honestly it should be that way anyway) that is what stands.

 

GEL

[seren]

If H had used any of our money to give XOW gifts, meals, hotels, bills, whatever then I would have been very, very peed off. We took the decision early on our marriage that I would support him in his career (military). I moved around the world with him, thus harming my employment status, our child attended different schools, I did so many crappy jobs to support us, our choice.

 

When we had the chance, I went back to university to get degrees, had a brilliant job, earned far more than H - not just for me, but for us, so I could support H when he left the military, pay for a better standard of living for us. We put off having more children because we couldn't afford them at the time, our choice, had I had a choice, I would've been a SAHM, but we decided otherwise, our choice.

 

The money coming into our home is ours, end of, there is no me and you stuff, we share our lives, financial commitments, etc etc. If H wanted to spend our money on XOW then I would flip my lid as any non essential money belongs to us, is used for our enjoyment, we discuss purchases not because we have to, but it is our way. If he wanted to pay for hotels, then pay for us to enjoy the hotel, don't expect me to work my butt off so the family coffers are enhanced by my hard work to pay for someone else. Hell, tell me you are doing this and I might take a lesser paid job so I can go off and have some different, fun time without responsibility.

I would hate it so much if anyone thought I needed them to pay for anything.

 

As an aside, H told me that OW used to pay for the hotel they used, he said he felt cheap and like a whore (yes there were loads of comments I made about this, directed at him).

 

I recently was medically retired following a car accident. the first time in 40 years I haven't worked and earned. I still have some money, but rather than not contribute, I am starting my own business. I would hate to be dependent on another, even my lovely H.

 

Were I OW, then no, I don't think I would expect the MM to contribute to anything and would feel very uncomfortable knowing I was taking from the marital funds. But, each to their own.