Financial Support to OW

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread so maybe this was said before..

 

I don't see anything different when a man who is sex starved.. end up getting an expensive hobby/passion... for example, erotic massages, golfing, boating, cars... etc..

 

Do the W sue the Golf courses... etc..

[BB07]

This is my view on it....and of course it's just my view. I don't think a MM/MW should be spending marital assets on the OW/OM. I also think if the MM/MW leaves the marriage, then they should be fair minded and honorable in matters relating to the STBX and children, but as we know......it can go either way as to fairness. There are some MM/MW who are selfish and completely disregard what is fair and then of course there are those BS's who are angry and vengeful and vow to destroy the stbx, and don't give a crap how much the lawyers get of it in the process. It's a crap-shoot!

[califnan]

Please do not get me wrong.

 

I do not agree with what happened to nan or to her children.

 

I just see Nan always villianizing the new wife in the situation as though her exhusband had no hand in it.

 

I want to see her angry at the man who made the decision.

 

I see her holding on to some belief that her exhusband wanted to be remarried to her and all the evil that was done her was caused by the new wife.

 

I see nan not getting over the loss of this man and carrying bitterness in her heart. I see it eating up her soul.

 

I want her to see what so many of the posters here say to OW who want to believe that they would be the chosen one if only that awful wife wasn't forcing him to stay!! If he wanted to be with her, he would have moved mountains to do so. rather than listening to his supposed words she needs to look at his actions!

 

I want to see her heal, and carrying a torch for this man that she can never get the closure she wants with is only breaking her.

 

I am sorry if I am coming of harsh, but that is what I see.

 

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No. Believe it or not I don't think I'm angry .. Well maybe angry at their audacity - that their love wasn't great enough to leave me alone.. and not cheat me in the divorce..

 

Bitterness can't eat my soul .. I have Jesus..

 

I don't know if it is because he died - but I do only remember the good part about him during our marriage.. Unlike my father, my H was extremely happy, easy going, generous, and sweet..

 

And I am aware that it takes two to break up a marriage most of the time, the H and the W.

 

I googled and found LS because of briefly being on the other side.. All of this stuff about the marriage, is just surfacing again through reading other threads - and contributing ..

 

And trust me about Hurricane Aliede, I Am again seeing her in action - with another family .. hearing it all over again from others - just reinterates ..

 

FA, I do have an idea that when men leave their wives for another woman - that many times they do have misgivings and happy reflections of the past .. It doesn't have anything to do with my situation - because he has been gone for 15 years..

 

Maybe it also goes back to what I have heard that marriages built on adultery are not blessed..

[califnan]

This is my view on it....and of course it's just my view. I don't think a MM/MW should be spending marital assets on the OW/OM. I also think if the MM/MW leaves the marriage, then they should be fair minded and honorable in matters relating to the STBX and children, but as we know......it can go either way as to fairness. There are some MM/MW who are selfish and completely disregard what is fair and then of course there are those BS's who are angry and vengeful and vow to destroy the stbx, and don't give a crap how much the lawyers get of it in the process. It's a crap-shoot!

 

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Yes divorces are bad news.. All should be able to settle to avoid additional expense..

[aerogurl87]

I haven't read the whole thread, but this is what I think. If he buys her little gifts every once in awhile it makes sense since he has to keep her happy as his piece of a$$ on the side. Now if he's paying for her rent, cell phone, car, giving her a monthly allowance, etc. well she's not a mistress or other woman. She's a sugar baby.

[Hazyhead]

I have not read the whole thread so maybe this was said before..

 

I don't see anything different when a man who is sex starved.. end up getting an expensive hobby/passion... for example, erotic massages, golfing, boating, cars... etc..

 

Do the W sue the Golf courses... etc..

 

if it is their money and he is spending it on something that occupies him then that's one thing, and I understand that it takes time away from the family, but it's a whole other thing altogether when he is spending their shared finances on something that will hurt his wife more than anything else imaginable.

[White Flower]

Sorry but legally (in most states) the money is community property. The BW can claim that 50% of money spent on the affair is hers and the OW owes it to her. The A is his choice, but the money is theirs. It's the BW's choice to try and get what is hers no matter what the OW or MM think about it.

 

Then it becomes up to the court who will decide who gets what. All I'm asking is why add to the fallout of a possible d-day by accepting gifts and/or money from a MM?

You're only half right. The BW can sue her H for the community property that he took without her knowledge and consent. She'll get 50% back as long as she can prove it. OW took nothing as she has no access to bank accounts nor piggy banks...she only received a gift.

 

I went through this and I live in a community property state. My exH took thousands of dollars out of our joint bank account without my knowledge and consent and I got half of it back, ordered by the court, during our D. He told me two days after the fact that he withdrew it and put it into a new account with only his name on it. He was shocked that he had to pay it back, that is, my half back to me.

[White Flower]

I have not read the whole thread so maybe this was said before..

 

I don't see anything different when a man who is sex starved.. end up getting an expensive hobby/passion... for example, erotic massages, golfing, boating, cars... etc..

 

Do the W sue the Golf courses... etc..

Or the stockbrokers, casinos, or controlling mothers? What about the company that made the damn computer he was on all day and all night? Sometimes I thought the computer was his OW! And other times I thought it was his job. Was I to sue his company for letting him put in all those extra hours? Because it never benefitted our M, that's fer damn sure!

[White Flower]

This thread got me thinking. What if a SC spent X amount of money each month during the entire M on any given OW. What if THAT amount was when the W never noticed at all during the entire M? The amount she DID receive throughout the entire M is the amount she would claim to be the means she became accustomed to.

 

Either that, or she has a misguided view of how to stretch out what she knows to be the amount he claims on his taxes each year. Whatever the case, she isn't complaining whatsoever about their lifestyle. IOW, she isn't missing anything as far as I can tell.

 

One of the first questions BW asked MM on D-day was whether he'd spent any money on me. I can pretty much attest to the answer being no. Not much anyway. He always paid for meals and our way to an event but if I offered to pay he would allow it.

 

A very dear friend of mine, a wise sage, gets angry with me when I pay. She always says, when women make the same money as men do, that is when they can pay; until then, let them spread their peacock feathers and pay for you. This isn't necessarily advice for OW, but any woman who makes less than her date.

[jennie-jennie]

My 17-year old daughter has an interesting view on this. She thinks as long as the MM is married, he should pay for all the expenses. After all, if he wasn't married, the expenses would be way less, especially since we are in an LDR relationship.

 

I let my MM pay for anything and everything. After having spent decades with a constantly broke compulsive gambler, I so enjoy a man with assets. I enjoy being treated and taken care of, I enjoy being able to rely on my partner instead of being the one relied on.

[pureinheart]

This thread got me thinking. What if a SC spent X amount of money each month during the entire M on any given OW. What if THAT amount was when the W never noticed at all during the entire M? The amount she DID receive throughout the entire M is the amount she would claim to be the means she became accustomed to.

 

Either that, or she has a misguided view of how to stretch out what she knows to be the amount he claims on his taxes each year. Whatever the case, she isn't complaining whatsoever about their lifestyle. IOW, she isn't missing anything as far as I can tell.

 

One of the first questions BW asked MM on D-day was whether he'd spent any money on me. I can pretty much attest to the answer being no. Not much anyway. He always paid for meals and our way to an event but if I offered to pay he would allow it.

 

A very dear friend of mine, a wise sage, gets angry with me when I pay. She always says, when women make the same money as men do, that is when they can pay; until then, let them spread their peacock feathers and pay for you. This isn't necessarily advice for OW, but any woman who makes less than her date.

 

What a trip...until this thread, I never even thought about it concerning the BS side of my experiences.

[MizFit]

What a trip...until this thread, I never even thought about it concerning the BS side of my experiences.

 

I don't consider the BS in it at all...my thoughts are the same whether it's a married man or a single man.

[pureinheart]

My 17-year old daughter has an interesting view on this. She thinks as long as the MM is married, he should pay for all the expenses. After all, if he wasn't married, the expenses would be way less, especially since we are in an LDR relationship.

 

I let my MM pay for anything and everything. After having spent decades with a constantly broke compulsive gambler, I so enjoy a man with assets. I enjoy being treated and taken care of, I enjoy being able to rely on my partner instead of being the one relied on.

 

I had this one time (amazing in all the R's), he was the most generous man I'd ever seen...certainly men spent money, although he would have given me anything I wanted...Jennie...he took me out to dinner one night and afterwards felt the need to buy me an expensive "dinner" ring, this was only the third date.

 

During the time of our break up (he was my fiance') he was paying 2 really large bills...I didn't feel right about that and gave him the money back...he actually got mad. I should have made it work with him.

[pureinheart]

I don't consider the BS in it at all...my thoughts are the same whether it's a married man or a single man.

 

Maybe I'm just tired and possibly didn't read this right, just want to make sure I didn't mess up...when I was a BS I never thought of asking the WS if they had spent any money on their OW....back then the thought crossed my mind.

 

If I am tired, please disregard this post ...lol...better get some sleep:eek:

[seren]

Thing that would make me angry is that I earned almost double what H made. So any surplus, if we are saying (purely hypothetically) his money, my money, to spend on additional purchases other than those that would benefit both, was, in effect mine. If H's contribution to the marital pot was 50/50, then he would, at times, be in deficit. This is assuming everything is so black and white. Had I known that H was spending our money on OW, then I might have said, you know, I have worked 60 hours this week so that we can pay off the mortgage, buy things for the home etc, yet you have spent money on someone else and your fun, I am not happy with that as I want to spend the extra money on me. Because the A is hidden the BS is unknowingly working extra to enhance the marital pot, or if a SAHM, to look after the kids and home etc because she thinks WS is working late and is supporting him to do so.

 

Of course, if WS wants to work extra to make money to pay for OW then that is his choice, but even then BS is giving her time in the understanding that the additional work and money from said work is for the family benefit. Phew, it is all very complicated looking at this logically.

 

Of course if she knows about the A, then that's her choice. But when it is hidden (as most are) then she is working and supporting WS for an understood goal or purpose to which he has reneged. I think the fact that the decision for one to work, for one to SAH to look after the kids and home or to use their money for the family is usually discussed between the couple based upon a shared understanding that it is for the benefit of the family. When the ground rules change I don't think it is too much to expect that a discussion should take place about the changed situation. Of course this is not likely to happen as it then outs the A. Interesting.

[Susmay]

Thing that would make me angry is that I earned almost double what H made. So any surplus, if we are saying (purely hypothetically) his money, my money, to spend on additional purchases other than those that would benefit both, was, in effect mine. If H's contribution to the marital pot was 50/50, then he would, at times, be in deficit. This is assuming everything is so black and white. Had I known that H was spending our money on OW, then I might have said, you know, I have worked 60 hours this week so that we can pay off the mortgage, buy things for the home etc, yet you have spent money on someone else and your fun, I am not happy with that as I want to spend the extra money on me. Because the A is hidden the BS is unknowingly working extra to enhance the marital pot, or if a SAHM, to look after the kids and home etc because she thinks WS is working late and is supporting him to do so.

 

Of course, if WS wants to work extra to make money to pay for OW then that is his choice, but even then BS is giving her time in the understanding that the additional work and money from said work is for the family benefit. Phew, it is all very complicated looking at this logically.

 

Of course if she knows about the A, then that's her choice. But when it is hidden (as most are) then she is working and supporting WS for an understood goal or purpose to which he has reneged. I think the fact that the decision for one to work, for one to SAH to look after the kids and home or to use their money for the family is usually discussed between the couple based upon a shared understanding that it is for the benefit of the family. When the ground rules change I don't think it is too much to expect that a discussion should take place about the changed situation. Of course this is not likely to happen as it then outs the A. Interesting.

 

I absolutely agree with this. I contacted the OW after my H's affair came to light and made this point to her with the addition that to me it felt like she was stealing from me and my family (or at least the equivalent of knowingly receiving stolen funds). She at least had the grace to agree with me and apologise. Not that she ever paid any of it back though.

 

Subsequently (after d-day) she contacted my H apparently after some money, so I suppose her contrition didn't last very long.

[OWoman]

The way the courts may see it is you accepting gifts knowing that the money used to buy it is community property. Unless, he lied to you about being married, you are responsible for the actions you take and the law (in most cases) will see it that way. Don't think that a BW will walk away from what is rightly hers because you think she should. It is her choice and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

This may be the case in (parts of) the USA, but that's only (parts of) one country. Other countries have other laws, and it would depend on the laws of that country, the provisions under which the couple were married, and any other legal agreements (like antenuptial contracts, joint venture contracts, etc) which may have been in force.

 

In the specific case of my A, my H and his xWs finances were entirely separate. They had separated these during a prior separation, and although he had allowed her back and stopped D proceedings, he left their finances separate. She was a compulsive shopper and he did not want any legal liability for any of her costs or debts. They each earned, of the same order of magnitude, and each month they both paid an agreed amount into a joint account from which all shared expenses (relating to house and kids) were paid. Beyond that, each had their own account containing their own money, which was entirely their own business. She could buy herself what she wanted, and travel alone to exotic destinations, or drink it all if she wanted - it was hers to do with as she wished. And - mutatis mutandis - the same for his money.

 

When they Dd she tried to get her hands on his inheritance but her lawyers told her that bequests, inheritance, gifts and donations were excluded from any assets that the court would consider as "marital assets", so she had to back off. I don't know if she tried any "did you spend anything on OW?" stunts or not, but I'm sure her lawyer would have similarly advised her to save her breath.

 

In FA's particular situation, I can't guess what the legal position would be - but I'm sure her MM has considered it, since he'd be the one who stood to lose out, and if he considers it a risk he's happy to take (or an investment he's happy to make) then that is his call. Some men are happy to pay off their xWs - even above the odds - rather than count the pennies; it's only money, after all, and some men prize love far higher than material goods.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup. I give my son money too when he earns it as a result of helping me extra hard around the house or yard, or by doing really well in school.

 

Most parents aren't having sex with their children while married to someone else either. Just sayin, comparing a child/parent relationship to an AP/WS relationship isn't the same or it wouldn't happen so much in a secret situation.

[bentnotbroken]

If they were going to continue in their marriage she would not be suing me, as he would not allow it. (and stay married) Just as he would never allow her to physically or verbally assault me, neither would he allow her to use the courts to assault me.

 

So if she were suing me, they would be divorced or divorcing. And were she to win, then he would still pay the bill. *shrug* That is his nature.

 

As she couldn't control his choice to be with you, I very much doubt that if she chooses to go after you, he won't be able to do a damn thing.

[califnan]

This woman stole from her right along with her exH. Surely you can see that. She was so complicit that she enjoyed the things provided from the fraud. Surely you can see that too.

 

 

(Dearest Nan, I truly apologize for discussing you in this post. I am not at all trying to speak for you. I've just felt what you felt for your children for my H. And even for yourself. There is nothing like it and some don't understand it and misinterpret it for whatever reasons.)

 

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NID, I appreciate your input.

 

And yes her last two marriages were most likely for the money. (I wasn't privy in the first three)..

 

I think the misinterpreting is that of self denial .. or of not wishing to take the responsibility in an affair.

[donnamaybe]

Most parents aren't having sex with their children while married to someone else either. Just sayin, comparing a child/parent relationship to an AP/WS relationship isn't the same or it wouldn't happen so much in a secret situation.

 

I know, huh?! When that attempted correlation came out, I was quite surprised.

[jennie-jennie]

In the beginning of our relationship my MM pointed out that legally all his income and assets were jointly owned by him and his wife. Now he makes a point that he considers his money my money, so I should never hesitate to accept them. Interesting attitude change. It seems like he cares more about matters of heart these days than technical legalities.

[donnamaybe]

I have not read the whole thread so maybe this was said before..

 

I don't see anything different when a man who is sex starved.. end up getting an expensive hobby/passion... for example, erotic massages, golfing, boating, cars... etc..

 

Do the W sue the Golf courses... etc..

 

Golf clubs and the memberships to a course, boats, cars, etc. have cash value and are community property.

[Lizzie60]

Well.. I still stand by my post.. the BW should sue the golf course, the casino.. and like WF said, the computer company... because those things COST money and take away the precious time with her husband..

Plus I think that there is a LOT MORE benefit to have an A than being addicted to gambling, golf.. etc.. I know guys who play golf once or twice a week.. they're gone for a whole day each time.. some spend HOURS on their computers or x-box.. playing stupid games or watching porn.. HA!

that takes away from the family.. money and time..

 

at least with their A with ME.. they get sexual relief.. go home, are happy, spend quality time with their family.. everyone's happy...

 

Think about it.. if you (general BW) have no libido.. let him have an A.. you'll only be happier because he'll stop arguing about sex.. it works really...

[donnamaybe]

Well.. I still stand by my post.. the BW should sue the golf course, the casino.. and like WF said, the computer company... because those things COST money and take away the precious time with her husband..

Plus I think that there is a LOT MORE benefit to have an A than being addicted to gambling, golf.. etc.. I know guys who play golf once or twice a week.. they're gone for a whole day each time.. some spend HOURS on their computers or x-box.. playing stupid games or watching porn.. HA!

that takes away from the family.. money and time..

 

at least with their A with ME.. they get sexual relief.. go home, are happy, spend quality time with their family.. everyone's happy...

 

Think about it.. if you (general BW) have no libido.. let him have an A.. you'll only be happier because he'll stop arguing about sex.. it works really...

 

If a guy isn't getting any at home, I have some sympathies, but I PERSONALLY know a couple men who have gorgeous wives who I just KNOW are more than willing. You can tell the uptight and frigid from the rest.

 

As for lunches out and golf games, well, the guy probably doesn't pay for his buddies to eat and play golf. Just himself.