Financial Support to OW

[OWoman]

Golf clubs and the memberships to a course, boats, cars, etc. have cash value and are community property.

 

Membership of a golf club won't help the W if it's one of those "traditional" ones that doesn't accept women (or anyone who isn't white and christian).

[donnamaybe]

Membership of a golf club won't help the W if it's one of those "traditional" ones that doesn't accept women (or anyone who isn't white and christian).

 

She could get it in the D and give it as a gift to her new lover!

[jthorne]

Well, now that the tequila has worn off and I've had some time to catch up on this thread, I think it's quite disgusting. I was taught to be independent, have my own money. I wouldn't take money from a single man, much less one married to someone else. You need money, that's what family and charity is for.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, now that the tequila has worn off and I've had some time to catch up on this thread, I think it's quite disgusting. I was taught to be independent, have my own money. I wouldn't take money from a single man, much less one married to someone else. You need money, that's what family and charity is for.

 

Exactly, and since MM now is family, we're good.

[Lizzie60]

Thing is .. I have a very good, well-paid job for the gov't.. I also have a very lucrative evening job (massages)... although I don't have 1/100 of the clients I used to have.. but it's always nice to have more money.. right?

 

Why wouldn't I accept money/gifts from most of my MMs (some have nooo idea).. I'm doing them a HUGE favour.. PLUS they're saving tons of cash on counselling.. they don't have to 'split' half what they've worked for all their life.. I don't want them to divorce.. plus I provide MY place.. (savings on hotel rooms)..

[donnamaybe]

Exactly, and since MM now is family, we're good.

 

Ooooh, congratulations! He left his W and proposed?!

[donnamaybe]

Thing is .. I have a very good, well-paid job for the gov't.. I also have a very lucrative evening job (massages)... although I don't have 1/100 of the clients I used to have.. but it's always nice to have more money.. right?

 

Why wouldn't I accept money/gifts from most of my MMs (some have nooo idea).. I'm doing them a HUGE favour.. PLUS they're saving tons of cash on counselling.. they don't have to 'split' half what they've worked for all their life.. I don't want them to divorce.. plus I provide MY place.. (savings on hotel rooms)..

 

No one said some gals don't have a problem accepting cash - that's not the topic. The topic is whether it is "right." And there really IS such a thing as "right and wrong."

[sugarbritches]

Exactly, and since MM now is family, we're good.

 

MM is not family to you, and why would you talk to your 17 year old daughter about taking money from somebody else husband. As a parent you should teach your daughter the value of marriage, the value of hard work or even smart work.

Telling her its okay to take money from a man that you are not married to, or not living with isn't right.

[lovinmylife]

I am still feeling that I would be better off if my head were to just explode and kill me quickly.. but it is an improvement over the past several days where i was certain that WOULD be the outcome...

 

perhaps if you passed the booze this direction we would both be a little better off?

 

Honestly though, to get back on thread, my sweetheart earns much more than his wife. MUCH MORE.

 

The amounts he gives to me in no way take away from what she has, or how much of his money pays the bills. The way I understand it, they have "her money", and "their money"... and all the bills are paid with "their money" (the money he earns); her money is hers to do with as she pleases.

 

The money he gives to me, or uses to pay my cell bill etc, is money that he would normally spend on himself when he is out of town. *shrug* I do not accept large sums from him, my pride won't allow it. And it is my pride that has him leave money in a drawer or in my purse rather than placing it in my hand.

 

But, he has more than once offered me a bank card for an account that he had for when he was deployed that he hasn't used in some time. I have turned that down.

 

He has offered to open up a joint account with me. I have turned him down.

 

He has handed me his wallet and told me to "take what you want/need". I have turned that down.

 

There may come a time when those types of behaviours are acceptable for our relationship, this is not that time. Just as it would not be acceptable for me in a relationship with a single man with whom I was not sharing a home full-time. *shrug*

 

But for someone to insinuate that accepting normal, loving, monetary gestures makes me akin to a prostitute is out of line... is it not??

 

the point is... legally the wife still has rights over that money no matter who makes it unless there is a legal document and even then it's questionable. no matter what the husband says, the wife still has a right to sue you for her half. and the husband wouldn't be able to pay you that bc it's still coming out of the money in the marriage. so she could come after you for that too... a lawyer will catch that. i've seen it happen plenty of times. he may make more than her, but it's still community property between them two. she could sue without them divorcing.

[herenow]

I agree that the law does read as you both describe. I just think she would be hard pressed to get a jury to agree with that rationale. I think that any lawyer worth his salt would be able to argue MY case sucessfully if it were to come down to it.

 

By the same token, then he should be able to sue her church for all of the funds which she donated over the years that he did not agree with, after all half of that money was his, and she gave it away to someone else (the church entity) without his permission, and without the authority to do so as 100 percent of the maritial pie would mean that every penny spent should be discussed and agreed to prior to being spent.

 

And what exactly would your case be? They have a legal contract that you (I assume knowingly) are helping to break. I 100% believe that a BS should blame their spouse for the choice to have an affair. But, a lawyer will argue the law and you really don't have much of a say when the law comes into play here.

 

Like I said, in most cases money spent on an affair is deducted off the top and given to the BS before the 50/50 split. But, if a BS should choose to go after the OW or OM, that would be their choice. Again something you would have no control over.

 

As far as charity. Good luck on that one. Something tells me a judge may not have as much of an issue with charitable donations as he or she would with money spent on an affair. But, I guess a lawyer could try to argue that the money was given to the church without the MM"s approval. It may make the lawyer and the MM look kinda bad, but worth a try. JMO.

[herenow]

lol.. no you can not write off funds spent on an EMR.

 

And if they were both contributing equal shares of their income to the household then i would agree that he shouldn't spend a dime on me, but as that is not the case, then I refuse to be made to feel as a prostitute for accepting his assitance in making my life more comfortable. (as some here would like to have me feel.)

 

Note* I said equal shares, not equal monies. If both were contirbuting the same percentage of what they earned then I would agree that 100 percent of the "pie" belongs to the marriage. But one can not rightfully expect for one partner to contribute 95 percent and another only five percent and call it fair that 100 percent of that pie is equally shared between the two.

 

What is fair and what is the law are two different things. I would love to keep more that the 50% of my income that I make, but the law says that I need to pay the IRS, the state, property tax, payroll tax etc, etc, etc. Because I like my freedom, I pay what the law demands. Is it fair that I pay so much? Not really IMO, but it's the law.

 

You may not think community property laws are fair, but that is the way it s in some places. Move or run for office and make changes if you don't like it. But as long as you live in one of those places, it the law of the land.

[Mimolicious]

I'm actually baffled at the "charitable contribution" comparison. SMH. Anything to justify the means...

 

Calif- You said you have Jesus. Remember, "God don't like ugly"!!!!!!

You can run but can't hide! Your exH's W, she will pay for her wicked ways. Another comment that didn't suit me well was that maybe your sons were left out of the will because they didn't treat his new W accordingly. Whoa... I must have missed the memo that said that your own flesh and blood is not as important as a spouse. Unreal!

[Spark1111]

You can sue civilly for 50 percent of any marital asset, no matter how or where it was spent, or on whom.

 

You may not win, but you surely can embarrass, and for many a BS, that may be enough.

[Spark1111]

Even if you have been a SAHM for thirty years, you are entitled to half of all marital assests.

 

There is no provision for he makes more than me, so he is entitled to spen more than me. Or, she's allowed to spend her salary however she sees fit, but I am more important because I make more money and pay all the bills.

 

The courts conclude that is by mutual agreement in the marriage.

[jennie-jennie]

MM is not family to you, and why would you talk to your 17 year old daughter about taking money from somebody else husband. As a parent you should teach your daughter the value of marriage, the value of hard work or even smart work.

Telling her its okay to take money from a man that you are not married to, or not living with isn't right.

 

Because I am from a different culture than you. We do things differently here.

 

I haven't worked since I was 27. That is half a lifetime ago.

I have been in two common-law marriages, but never married.

 

If MM considers me family, I am family.

[White Flower]

My 17-year old daughter has an interesting view on this. She thinks as long as the MM is married, he should pay for all the expenses. After all, if he wasn't married, the expenses would be way less, especially since we are in an LDR relationship.

 

I let my MM pay for anything and everything. After having spent decades with a constantly broke compulsive gambler, I so enjoy a man with assets. I enjoy being treated and taken care of, I enjoy being able to rely on my partner instead of being the one relied on.

Jennie-jennie, I didn't know that we had this in common. Not only did my ex gamble, but he gave large sums of money to his exOW.

 

That is why, when my friends say I should expect more money from MM and more gifts, my feathers don't get russled. I know what it feels like to have community property taken without knowledge and consent and I don't feel very comfortable with it. That is why I offer to pay as well at times. It minimizes any guilt I feel about him dipping into the CP pot. (Community Property). Funny, I never told him this.

 

I anticipate I'll hear that since I feel guilty about that then why not feel guilty about sharing his body, etc. That would be a t/j but I guess my answer would be I really don't believe she is missing out on any sex if she wants it at all. Like Lizzie said, I think sometimes I'm doing her a favor by taking him off her hands, so to speak. T/j over.

[sugarbritches]

Because I am from a different culture than you. We do things differently here.

 

I haven't worked since I was 27. That is half a lifetime ago.

I have been in two common-law marriages, but never married.

 

If MM considers me family, I am family.

 

You sure aren't setting a good example for your children.

 

I have more pride then that. I work and make my own money. I pay my own bills. My kids work, I help them if they need it but only because I see that they are working hard and trying.

 

Maybe if you got a job then your MM would be giving you money, then you wouldn't have to worry about his wife taking you to court. Trust me If my ex would have spent a dime on his tramp, I would have sued her for every cent and then gave it all to some useless charity.

 

I feel being a good roll model for your kids is more important that your married boy friend.

[califnan]

I'm actually baffled at the "charitable contribution" comparison. SMH. Anything to justify the means...

 

Calif- You said you have Jesus. Remember, "God don't like ugly"!!!!!!

You can run but can't hide! Your exH's W, she will pay for her wicked ways. Another comment that didn't suit me well was that maybe your sons were left out of the will because they didn't treat his new W accordingly. Whoa... I must have missed the memo that said that your own flesh and blood is not as important as a spouse. Unreal!

 

--------------------

 

You are sweet Mimo.

 

At the beginning years of the divorce I was Made to think this is how things are (by them) - and I was the one out of step.. Somehow I have to believe that much of my story is typical of other divorces because if the H will cheat on the W with the OW, surely he will cheat in other ways as well, such as hiding community assets..

 

And I'm with you in the belief that our own flesh and blood should always be considered as important as a new spouse.. Personally, I still feel the children are more important than a new spouse..

[jennie-jennie]

You sure aren't setting a good example for your children.

 

I have more pride then that. I work and make my own money. I pay my own bills. My kids work, I help them if they need it but only because I see that they are working hard and trying.

 

Maybe if you got a job then your MM would be giving you money, then you wouldn't have to worry about his wife taking you to court. Trust me If my ex would have spent a dime on his tramp, I would have sued her for every cent and then gave it all to some useless charity.

 

I feel being a good roll model for your kids is more important that your married boy friend.

 

The reason I do not work is because we have a good health care system here. I have a disability pension.

 

I am a good role model for my kids. I just don't agree with what you consider a good role model to be.

[NoIDidn't]

I couldn't fathom an affair with someone who was broke (unemployed, underemployed, bad credit, high debt, etc.).

[fooled once]

Let's get back to the ORIGINAL question instead once again it being all about someone's life, values, family, etc..

 

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

 

From reading the thread, I believe most people who responded believe paying the OW/Mistress's bills, expensive gifts and just out and out giving them money is not appropriate, considering it is coming out of the marital assets/property. Dinner/lunch isn't considered too inappropriate.

 

From when I divorced my ex, I found that many, if not most, states in the USA are 'community property' (I hadn't known my state was until my divorce).

 

When I divorced, I gave him half of our belongings, half the money in the accounts and I took all the debt (except his truck). He too our son's bed .

 

I know what it is like to be so broke it isn't funny. After my divorce, during the A, I didn't accept offers to pay my bills, expensive gifts, etc. I was too proud and refused to allow anyone to 'support me'. I cut back, got a higher paying job and did the best I could with what I had.

 

Everyone's pride level is different. For ME - I have pride in the knowledge that what I have, I have worked for, saved for and planned for. Now, I live a very good life, want for nothing and have shown my child what it means to work, plan and save. I am proud that he doesn't look for handouts, doesn't want anyone to buy for HIM.

 

I couldn't take money from the MM -- it just wasn't what I was about.

[Mimolicious]

--------------------

 

You are sweet Mimo.

 

At the beginning years of the divorce I was Made to think this is how things are (by them) - and I was the one out of step.. Somehow I have to believe that much of my story is typical of other divorces because if the H will cheat on the W with the OW, surely he will cheat in other ways as well, such as hiding community assets..

 

And I'm with you in the belief that our own flesh and blood should always be considered as important as a new spouse.. Personally, I still feel the children are more important than a new spouse..

 

 

SO do I. Even when that spouse is the other parent.

[jennie-jennie]

Let's get back to the ORIGINAL question instead once again it being all about someone's life, values, family, etc..

 

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

 

From reading the thread, I believe most people who responded believe paying the OW/Mistress's bills, expensive gifts and just out and out giving them money is not appropriate, considering it is coming out of the marital assets/property. Dinner/lunch isn't considered too inappropriate.

 

From when I divorced my ex, I found that many, if not most, states in the USA are 'community property' (I hadn't known my state was until my divorce).

 

When I divorced, I gave him half of our belongings, half the money in the accounts and I took all the debt (except his truck). He too our son's bed .

 

I know what it is like to be so broke it isn't funny. After my divorce, during the A, I didn't accept offers to pay my bills, expensive gifts, etc. I was too proud and refused to allow anyone to 'support me'. I cut back, got a higher paying job and did the best I could with what I had.

 

Everyone's pride level is different. For ME - I have pride in the knowledge that what I have, I have worked for, saved for and planned for. Now, I live a very good life, want for nothing and have shown my child what it means to work, plan and save. I am proud that he doesn't look for handouts, doesn't want anyone to buy for HIM.

 

I couldn't take money from the MM -- it just wasn't what I was about.

 

Any financial support is appropriate. Just like the MM cares and provides for his family, he cares and provides for his OW. That is the way it is between two lovers. When you are close enough, those monetary boundaries cease to exist. You share the money just like you share the love.

 

Pride in this context shows distance between the lovers in my opinion.

[SidLyon]

Any financial support is appropriate. Just like the MM cares and provides for his family, he cares and provides for his OW. That is the way it is between two lovers. When you are close enough, those monetary boundaries cease to exist. You share the money just like you share the love.

 

Pride in this context shows distance between the lovers in my opinion.

 

I disagree strongly with this philosophy when it comes to an OW. It means a 3-way share (ignoring the children) between the adults involved. One person's presence is unknown to another in the triangle.

 

Then again the whole thing is "off" and to me demonstrates the moral bankruptcy of the 2 APs, so I'm being unrealistic to expect an OW to see it as I do - which is as a form of theft from the BW.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I disagree strongly with this philosophy when it comes to an OW. It means a 3-way share (ignoring the children) between the adults involved. One person's presence is unknown to another in the triangle.

 

Then again the whole thing is "off" and to me demonstrates the moral bankruptcy of the 2 APs, so I'm being unrealistic to expect an OW to see it as I do - which is as a form of theft from the BW.

Sometimes I think she and her friend post stuff to stir things up on the board.