umm help! Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Ok, heres my situation. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I am 20 years old and in college. My girlfriend has been living in my house with me and my mom and brother for the past two years(her parents are crazy, literally, so we offered her refuge). Things seemed to be going along great, then all of a sudden alot of our friends are getting engaged and married. I dont want to think that it is because of them, but she is dead set that thats what she wants now, to get married. I can see myself marrying her, but i just feel like i am too young and not ready( im 20, shes 21). The other night she told me that she is ready to get married and why have i not asked her yet? She even went so far as to say that shes not going to wait much longer( she has a problem with age, and that she says shes not going to be unmarried by the time shes 25, like age has anything to do with it.) I dont want to lose her, but i dont want to do something stupid like getting married when im too young and not ready (i dont mean to offend anybody younger than me that may be married and happy, good for you!) Ive tried to talk to her, but she cant figure out why im not ready, she thinks it has something to do with her and cant understand why she is so ready and im not and then she just cries until i tell her that im seriously thinking about it. I feel like its some kind of emotional blackmale. What should i do!!??? Any advice would be great!! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 If she's saying she doesn't want to be unmarried when she's 25...I think her friends getting married has A LOT more to do with it than she's letting on. The same damn thing happened to me, well kinda, one of my friends got engaged, and that just got the ball rolling, within months, two other friends got engaged. I think you're too young, personally. It almost sounds like she's trying to pressure you into it, and that is NOT cool at all, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 I got married when I was 20 years old. Divorced at 24. One of the biggest friggin mistakes I've ever made!!! I got married for all the wrong reasons, such as her constantly whining about getting married, so I did it to shut her ass up. Guess who got f**ked in the end? Dude, don't screw up like I did. If you do get married, you better make sure that you are sure, 'cause you could end up paying for it for the rest of your life!!! ~V Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 You need a lot of communication here and if she can't understand or respect your feelings she is not nearly ready for marriage herself. I think it's absurd for anybody to set an age and/or time when they feel they should be married. People get married with the time is mutually right. If she can't respect that you love her yet need more time to prepare financially and otherwise for the rigors...as well as the joys...of being married, then she may not be the right person for you. Love has a lot to do with timing. If she has some hard-nosed idea that she needs to be married soon, let her find somebody else. You could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain by taking that big step sooner than you wish. Talk about this together and get on the same page...if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 You should never EVER marry someone to make them happy. You should marry to make YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON happy. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 If you love her, why don't you meet her half way and get engaged to show committment. Most people I know are engaged for 2-4 years before getting married. This allows time to save for the future and the cost of a wedding and honeymoon. Communicate with her about this and you might both agree on meeting half way, after all a relationship is about sharing 50/50. Only an idea as you seem to love her. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 i like the engagement idea - kind of a happy middle. but still do try to communicate that you just don't feel ready for marriage, it's not that you don't love her, etc but you need to feel your feet firmly on the ground before you get married. also, you may wanna ask her 'why 25'? good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
silk_sword Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 DON'T DO IT!!! it's crazy of her to try and force u into this. u r way too young! if the feeling were mutual, then ok. but, it seems like she is pushing you because she enjoys the idea of getting married. this is red flag number one. it's indication that this is a mistake. if she doesn't want to wait, then oh well! it's not fair for her to push u into this. it's downright selfish. if u were both 25, 29, 32 then maybe i could understand. but no, u both have yet tasted life. and, u both have so much left to do before considering this step. have u both even talked about your future together (careers? locations? retirements? finances? children? goals?)? if u were ready, then i would be happy for u. however, obviously u aren't. u have displayed that in your message. i'm a woman, yet i can't understand y people (women in general) rush into this. this is a huge decision. marriage is sacred! many people don't understand this, and that is y there is so much divorce. my parents got married after 6 months, but they were ready. there was no rush. they were both mentally and emotionally ready. they r still married to this day (23 years of being married). some people are together 10 years and aren't married. and, they r still not really ready for marriage either. getting married for a couple like this would be too fast (unwise). the right timing all depends on the situation and the people. both people have to be ready. this is common sense. i don't feel u or she r ready for this commitment (although in truth i don't know the both of u well enough to jump to this assumption) the most important thing is that u also don't believe u both are ready. go with your gut on this! in addition, probe into her. see y she is feeling the way she is. y lately has she felt this craving? i agree with UCFKevin that there is a lot behind this sudden nagging. get to the bottom of it. solve it, because it's acting as a road block in the relationship. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 I agree with the others here...you need to really communicate about this. Marriage is not to be taken lightly at all, and needs to be for BOTH people. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 I have to agree with everyone else, don't do it if it doesn't feel right. You're gut instinct usually has a habit of telling you the truth, no matter how much it hurts. (I should listen to this bit of advice myself) Don't propse because SHE wants you to, propose because you BOTH want it. Doing so only for her may cause you to hold a grudge against her in the future, making you resent her. I like the idea of engagement ring, or even a "promise ring", set a date or even a year if anything. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, don't rush into anything as you are both still young. For some people it only takes a few months for them to realize that this is something they both want, on the other hand it can take people years. It's all about being at the same level with each other, understanding and growing together. Communication is key. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Honestly, if she would be willing to break up with you because you weren't ready to get married....I would question the whole relationship and motive involved. It's too big of a step to be accomplished by emotional blackmail.....tears and hurty feelings. Getting married doesn't prove you love her ANY MORE than if you didn't get married at this point. Getting married should signify you are making a major committment and are ready to take on the responsibilites of a family. This is a very big step.....especially for a guy. If it doesn't work out.....she gets the children....not you. So ofcourse, you want to really think it thru before going there. You need to be ready emotionally and financially. If she doesn't respect you for being that mature.....then again.....I'd question the motives for marriage involved here. I would never back down or compromise my gut feeling on something as big as marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 There's another dimension here, which is that she went from her own unfortunate home, to the protection of your family. She has never had an independent life, and in fact it would not even have been realistically possible for her to date around while living with you. So she hasn't really had time to make a free choice. I don't agree with getting engaged to plug her whine hole. That's sending the wrong message and would in fact just start a new series of requests. Why not set some goals? Like "I want to be done with college and have a job paying $X before we get married." Or even, "I would like you to have gotten a two year degree and be making $Y before we get married." And, "I would like to make sure we both know how to talk through issues and make decisions together, before we get married." Or, "I would like you to have a chance to live independently and consider seeing other guys." Then you can have some great discussions! Marriage is partly about love, but it's also about planning, thinking ahead, looking 10 and 25 and even 40 years down the road and having some idea of where you want to be. It is a HUGE step; nothing will affect your future life more than the type of person you choose to marry. It makes sense to be TOTALLY sure, and I agree, at 20 or 21, most people in our society really can't make a good decision. This is a very big step.....especially for a guy. Arabess...did you spend the night head down in the beer keg, hon? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate This is a very big step.....especially for a guy. Arabess...did you spend the night head down in the beer keg, hon? HAHA Sole! No, I was leading up to the fact that when a marriage doesn't work out....SHE gets the children...NOT the guy. Not only does he lose his marriage....but he loses his family. I think it's got to be harder to end up alone than getting a divorce and still having the luxury of waking up with your children in the house every morning....seeing them off to school...sharing the end of each day. If I was a guy....this would be my MAIN concern before entering into a marriage. (It's also the reason why most guys end up staying in an unhappy marriage.) So, in THAT context, was where I was coming from on my 'sexist' statement. Link to post Share on other sites
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