LisaUk Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Hi all, I was searching the web today looking for more info on SPousal abandonment syndrome (the term coined by Vicki Stark and her book Runaway Husabands), which affects men as well as women, when I came across a very old entry written my someone who has been there. I found it explains some of the feelings and complexities very well and it was a help to me so I thought I would post it here as the link does not seem to want to work. Here it is - But, to the person above who said "anger and resentment = waste of time", you have no clue what you are talking about. If you don't go through these phases the negative emotions will come out later in an undesired fashion. The emotions of loss must be processed. People who short cut or suppress these feelings often end up having the pent up emotions come out against others they should care about. For all of us who have experienced SAS (Spouse Abandonment Syndrome) recognize that "abandonment" is actually classified as one of the most emotionally abusive actions a person can inflict against another. Studies have shown that the amount of emotional trauma that comes from it can actually exceed the emotional trauma of verbal abuse, and is comparable to the emotional trauma of extended physical abuse. Remember, that your partner made a choice to treat you this way. Just like a spouse who chooses to verbally lash out, strike, or otherwise abuse their spouse, they made a choice to find some misgotten inner peace at your expense. There is a really good saying: "It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to break it." Walking out of marriage is saying you don't want to even try to make it work. And, the person who makes that decision is the one who is responsible for the end of the marriage. All reasons aside. Problem is that the person who walks out (aka. the "leaver") usually does not want to have the stigma of being the one who left/cheated/etc. So, they have to find and put blame on the other party. (the "left") In mine I watched as she started off by trying to accuse me of verbal abuse, and as that fell through, she started to accuse me of other things. In the end she was trying to state that I had cheated on her, and that was why she was leaving. She could not accept that the reason she was leaving was because her needs were being met more by another man than by me. And, she refused to communicate that to me. You have choices. And, choices have consequences for more than yourself. You can choose to communicate your unhappiness in a marriage in a way that your spouse understands. Or, you can complain that they don't get you, claim that you are trying, and eventually file for a divorce. One is the moral high road, the other is the path of least resistance. Working on marriage is not easy. And, some people just don't get it. So, when the going gets tough, they make a choice to walk. Remember, you (and you alone) are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy in marriage, it is rarely your spouse’s fault. It is rarely the marriages fault. It is most likely your fault. I would guess that in 999 of 1000 marriages, the unhappiness is the fault of the individual. If you are unhappy, it is your responsibility to fix the marriage. Studies have shown... Children of divorce account for over 80% of future divorces. Marriages where neither parents ever divorced have less than 20% divorce rates. Divorce seeds future divorce. (even if the children are bore in the subsequent marriage.) 2/3rds of all divorces are filed by woman (most whose reason is they claim to be "unhappy" in their marriage). Over 90% of people who choose not to divorce are happier less than 5 years later. Judge enforced counselling reduced the divorce rate by 1/2. And, the person who files for divorce (the "leaver") has a 70-80% chance of a 2nd divorce, while the left has a 20-30% chance of suffering from a second divorce. If you were left, find solace in the fact that you are being forced to examine yourself. The odds are not in favour of the person who left you. The reason, they don't "get it". They don't realize that the way to have a happy successful marriage is as simple as making the marriage they are in that marriage. People who divorce are often the people who see greener grass in far off pastures. Let them go, and find someone who can commit to a long term relationship. anyway... too long.
LittleTiger Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Thanks for that Lisa. It certainly rings true for me. I completely agree that being abandoned by the person you love and trust most in the world is extremely traumatic. My stbxh didn't actually blame me for the break up, at least not to my face and I don't know if he had another woman, but he certainly put his 'inner peace' before me when he walked out on our marriage. He said that he really 'tried' to make things work. Actually he did nothing. He even refused marriage counselling. In my case it was me who initiated the divorce because I needed to take back control of my life and when I saw him to discuss it he described himself as a 'serial monogamist'! (I'm his second wife). I guess that says it all really!!! Fortunately for me, I've now met someone who really believes in life time commitment!
trippi1432 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Hi Lisa, I google'd it and found the whole thread.....interesting, I think it goes without saying that a lot of that is true from that post. The WAS (be it the husband or the wife) leave a significant trail of destruction behind emotionally and mentally to the left behind spouse. No matter who files for the divorce (sometime the left behind have to), the left behind is still the one to have to bear the brunt of what went wrong. The person who left, in almost every occasion, has already grieved the end of the relationship and moves on rather quickly sometimes. In my first marriage, I had no idea and was completely blindsided by a note on the kitchen table (didn't even know where our 3 year old daughter was). On the statistics, I find it interesting and disturbing. Children of divorce run a higher case of getting divorced, but then add to that the rate of 2nd marriage divorce rates as well..........and being left behind twice....wow!! I think I am running somewhere up in the 200% range now that anything else will fail. I think all of this has probably been laid out somewhere as well by Gunny, on the stats for divorce rates. In addition, the OP in what you found also notes the same things that we have noted on our forums here, the WAS will lay the blame solely on the LBS, change the story and do anything to make it look like it was not their fault. I can still feel the anger at my current WAS when he stood in the living room, gave me the I love you, but not in love with you speech and then spouted off that he could do without the material goods and comforts that were provided to him. It's still disturbing, and it still hurts, but having gone through it once almost 20 years ago...not sure if it makes it worse or easier. Something I guess I do find interesting in the case of a second marriage is that the person who was originally left behind already knows how it feels, the pain....the hurt...sometimes I wonder if it makes them feel obligated to see the next relationship through even when they know it's doomed.....what are the stats if the relationship is with a couple who one has been left behind and the other has never had a serious relationship....I can tell you the difference....15 years of my life....BUT, I didn't have the help I have today, I didn't have the self-help knowledge or the Internet to find out why....now I do. So maybe....hopefully...the stats for a 3rd go down ...I guess it depends on the other party and what they have learned as well, because one person does not make a marriage....it still takes two.
habs53 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Thank you so much for posting this. Every word of that is how i feel. My wife kept telling me i dont get it and would put things back on me. Shes nothing but a quiter. Ruined our whole family for her own selfishness. Now my son will think its ok to separate and divorce. Shame on her. I actually copyed the thead and sent it to her email.
Steadfast Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Quoted: "For all of us who have experienced SAS (Spouse Abandonment Syndrome) recognize that "abandonment" is actually classified as one of the most emotionally abusive actions a person can inflict against another. Studies have shown that the amount of emotional trauma that comes from it can actually exceed the emotional trauma of verbal abuse, and is comparable to the emotional trauma of extended physical abuse.... Remember, that your partner made a choice to treat you this way. Just like a spouse who chooses to verbally lash out, strike, or otherwise abuse their spouse, they made a choice to find some misgotten inner peace at your expense." This is extremely valid and the pain -or the memory of it- is vivid. It hurt more than the cheating. The lying. Compounded by two teenagers who were going through the same thing. I _had to_ pull myself out of the mire...I had to! I thank God for this now, because it forced me to look beyond my own pain and suffering. This I've learned, in the key. The more you self-absorb the deeper in you sink. Hard as it is, one must learn to not take themselves so seriously. Get on with it. There is no other option.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I agree 'steadfast'..I hope to reach that point someday..I actually hate my wife so much right now, and the resentment is huge,..17 yrs is a lot of history good and bad but still history..I hate her for me doing a 180 in my attitude of being a great father and I can't understand why I feel that way..I never imagined I could feel so unfather like to my girls..it is something I am trying to deal with.
just_some_guy Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Cool. Something else for me to feel guilt over. I'm the "leaver". It got to where I was overwhelmed, taken for granted, made to watch a slow-motion suicide, consumed. I tried to work on it, but my words were ignored in fits of denial. Counseling consisted of utterly waste of time sessions where she got defense and tried to fight with the counselor. Abusive is not the right word. It is painful. But how is it abusive, when one is at the end of his rope and seeks relief by leaving where he sees little or no chance for it to work?
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 abuse is different to me..that is a good reason..I thought the 'leaver' never feels guilty?
habs53 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well, i personally know two couples that have separated. Both were the wife leaving. Somehow these couples did work things out and are both happy married years later. Both women told me they felt extremly quilty for what they had done. If they were in an abusive marriage, i cannot blame them for leaving. Well anyways, i did sent my wife a copy of the first thread. Told her i was completly ready to move on without her. Told her to use her brain instead of her emotions. Told her to give up her internet friend and come back to reality for the sake of her family. Told her i was truly sorry for neglecting her and made huge changes for self. This probably wont do any good but i wanna say at the end i did everything i could.
dgiirl Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I'm the "leaver". This isnt about all "leavers". It's about Spouse Abandonment Syndrome. To me, abandonment means when the "leaver" wakes up one day and decides to leave. But without _ever_ communicating their unhappiness, without _ever_ trying to work on the marriage, without _ever_ going to marriage counseling first. If you actually vocalized your unhappiness and you tried working on the marriage, then kudos to you! You are a much better man than my exh. He, literally, was here today, gone tomorrow. And he admits that he NEVER vocalized his unhappiness because he was "afraid to hurt me"?! I was abandoned. There was no forewarning. There was no "rough patch". It was literally come home at 10pm one night, say for the very first time he wants a divorce, and then packs his stuff and moves out the very next day, to _never_ return. And on top of that, the words he uttered to me, was extremely abusive, something I would NEVER say to my worst enemy. I felt like he was trying to kill me with the amount of verbal pain and abandonment he inflicted. It made me VERY suicidal.
LittleTiger Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) To me, abandonment means when the "leaver" wakes up one day and decides to leave. But without _ever_ communicating their unhappiness, without _ever_ trying to work on the marriage, without _ever_ going to marriage counseling first. I think abandonment means 'being abandoned' as in being left or being deserted. Whether you are forewarned or not, the consequences for the person left behind are still traumatic. I think TaraMaiden makes a very valid point here. You can't and shouldn't try to label events or people so specifically because we are all so different. As I said before, my stbxh didn't entirely lay the blame at my feet. Does that mean I wasn't abandoned, just because he didn't exactly follow the prescribed behaviour patterns? The outcome was the same - I was devastated. My marriage was 'difficult' for a good two years before the end but, hand on heart, I never believed my husband would want out, not EVER. I was in it for the long haul and I thought he was too. It's 12 months since he ended it and, if I think about it, I still can't get my head around it - I'm still shocked by what he did! Despite having 'pulled myself together' and moved on with my life, there is a part of me that still struggles to come to terms with being abandoned by a man who had professed his undying love for me since we were children. It has undoubtedly left some serious emotional scars. However, once I had recovered from the initial 'punch in the gut', I didn't feel any need to analyse things too much. The marriage was clearly flawed at some deep level. Choosing not to over analyse things certainly made it easier for me to carry on with the rest of my life. I reached a point where it was 'do or die'. I had enough trouble holding myself in one piece, without worrying about what was going on in my husbands head. I grieved of course, because grief and loss shouldn't be ignored, but I didn't dwell on it. I focused on the future and I got through it. The difficulty with labelling in this way is that we have a tendancy to then act accordingly. So, if your husband/wife does X, Y is how you should respond. This means we can become tied up in the emotions and not seek recovery. If there's a 'Spousal Abandonment Syndrome', and I agree there is a pattern of behaviours that could be labelled in this way, does that mean that all abandoned spouses will behave in a prescribed manner? Surely not. It is not the fact that we are abandoned, or even how we are abandoned, that matters. Yes, 99% of us will be traumatised by such an event, to varying degrees, but it is how we choose to respond to that event which makes the difference in how we recover and how long it takes. We are all different. I say that all the time in my posts, because I believe it is important to remember it. Just_some_guy, if you believe you left your wife for good reason then you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you agreed to counselling that, to me, shows a willingness at least to make it work. We all have a breaking point though. If you know you made a genuine effort that's all that matters. We can label everything to our hearts content if it makes things easier for us to deal with or understand, but what really makes the difference is what we actually do to get our lives back on track. Edited June 18, 2010 by LittleTiger
wrencn Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 This isnt about all "leavers". It's about Spouse Abandonment Syndrome. To me, abandonment means when the "leaver" wakes up one day and decides to leave. But without _ever_ communicating their unhappiness, without _ever_ trying to work on the marriage, without _ever_ going to marriage counseling first. If you actually vocalized your unhappiness and you tried working on the marriage, then kudos to you! You are a much better man than my exh. He, literally, was here today, gone tomorrow. And he admits that he NEVER vocalized his unhappiness because he was "afraid to hurt me"?! I was abandoned. There was no forewarning. There was no "rough patch". It was literally come home at 10pm one night, say for the very first time he wants a divorce, and then packs his stuff and moves out the very next day, to _never_ return. And on top of that, the words he uttered to me, was extremely abusive, something I would NEVER say to my worst enemy. I felt like he was trying to kill me with the amount of verbal pain and abandonment he inflicted. It made me VERY suicidal. This is my husband- he started to have an EA with a coworker while I was busting my butt in gradschool and one day just says he can't do it anymore- he can't forgive me for things done in the past even though he said he could. Won't go to counseling, wouldn't talk to me to let me know there was a problem. He's just using me as an excuse to make himself feel better. He said he was a good guy once but I made him an ***hole.
just_some_guy Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 This isnt about all "leavers". It's about Spouse Abandonment Syndrome. To me, abandonment means when the "leaver" wakes up one day and decides to leave. But without _ever_ communicating their unhappiness, without _ever_ trying to work on the marriage, without _ever_ going to marriage counseling first. If you actually vocalized your unhappiness and you tried working on the marriage, then kudos to you! You are a much better man than my exh. He, literally, was here today, gone tomorrow. And he admits that he NEVER vocalized his unhappiness because he was "afraid to hurt me"?! I was abandoned. There was no forewarning. There was no "rough patch". It was literally come home at 10pm one night, say for the very first time he wants a divorce, and then packs his stuff and moves out the very next day, to _never_ return. And on top of that, the words he uttered to me, was extremely abusive, something I would NEVER say to my worst enemy. I felt like he was trying to kill me with the amount of verbal pain and abandonment he inflicted. It made me VERY suicidal. But if you ask her, that's what she says. "Everything was fine and bang, out of the blue you left me." "Why didn't you say anything? I had no idea." Truthfully, I'm not the best at expressing myself sometimes. But there was also a big element of "I don't want to hear what you're saying so I will shout over you, overwhelm you and refuse to hear what I don't want to hear."
habs53 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 But if you ask her, that's what she says. "Everything was fine and bang, out of the blue you left me." "Why didn't you say anything? I had no idea." Truthfully, I'm not the best at expressing myself sometimes. But there was also a big element of "I don't want to hear what you're saying so I will shout over you, overwhelm you and refuse to hear what I don't want to hear." Well at least you tryed going to councelling. Some uf us didnt even get that. We got nothing but bye bye. Dont feel to bad.
LittleTiger Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 But if you ask her, that's what she says. "Everything was fine and bang, out of the blue you left me." "Why didn't you say anything? I had no idea." Truthfully, I'm not the best at expressing myself sometimes. But there was also a big element of "I don't want to hear what you're saying so I will shout over you, overwhelm you and refuse to hear what I don't want to hear." I'm glad you're posting on this thread just_some_guy because you are showing that there are two sides to every story. I don't think my husband did one single thing to put our marriage right, he says different! As long as I know that I did everything I could (apart from denying who I am and turning into somebody else), that's all that matters to me. Once a realtionship is over, why beat yourself up about it - why beat them up? There's nothing to gain. It takes two to make any relationship work and until we all acknowledge that and stop trying to blame each other we're all doomed to a life of unsuccessful relationships. If you were in counselling then your wife knew there was probem, whatever she says.
LittleTiger Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Most spouses who leave point the finger at the person they're leaving. Even my husband did that. I did X or Y and that's why he wanted out. I still don't see that as blaming me. That was one of his reasons for leaving, his way of justifying his actions, it wasn't the whole cause of the marital breakdown and we both know that. I think sometimes people set too much store by whatever is said in anger or self defence. It's important to look at your own role in the breakdown of a relationship, so that you don't repeat past mistakes, but please don't take on board every word the leaving spouse throws at you. Just a thought here (and probably one I'm going to get a bashing for) but surely we all know deep down when something isn't right. Even those who's partners left without apparent warning. Using Lisa, the OP, as an example here (Lisa, I hope that's OK), her fiance was clearly a commitment-phobe. They were engaged for years and he kept avoiding the wedding. Can I ask you Lisa, wasn't that a red flag? Obviously, you chose to ignore it at the time, but in hindsight, surely he was telling you something - even though he didn't speak it out loud?
trippi1432 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 This is my husband- he started to have an EA with a coworker while I was busting my butt in gradschool and one day just says he can't do it anymore- he can't forgive me for things done in the past even though he said he could. Won't go to counseling, wouldn't talk to me to let me know there was a problem. He's just using me as an excuse to make himself feel better. He said he was a good guy once but I made him an ***hole. Wow, you and I could talk for hours about ours....I was busting my butt finishing my MBA and working full-time, running the DS to his appointments for Dr, ortho, dentist....etc. Mine left after one marriage counseling session because I didn't change.....evidently, everything I voiced that I was unhappy about was not HIS fault or problem. Net/Net - Spousal Abandonment can be initiated by being blind-sided (which I would consider on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being the worst) a very high 9 or 10 for the left behind. That was how I felt about my first marriage. And it can also be the I love you, but not in love with you even with or without marriage counseling....that can be around a 5 to 10 on the scale depending on length of relationship and how good or bad the relationship was. (just my opinion and experience.) The biggest issue is when you don't work those feelings out....when you can't move out of that SAS and find yourself, you wind up bringing insecurities to the next relationship. I know that I did that with my current STBXH....but he had his own issues as well. As bad as our marriage was, we held on for 15 years....I just never figured him for a leaver, but to be honest, no matter how bad it was....I wouldn't leave and give up on it. It's never easy to move past abandonment....even children of divorce have a hard time with it when they feel abandoned by their parents...which leads to the other stat on children of divorce having a higher divorce rate. It's the issues of keeping your guard up, bringing your issues with you into the next relationship, and not working them out before you try a new relationship. It's a recipe for disaster from what I have learned. Essentially, the feelings that were not resolved are brought into the next relationship and taken out on the unsuspecting person. My ex and I both did this as we were both abandoned by our father's at young ages. My fears....all men abandon their spouses, his affirmation...my father did it, why shouldn't I? (Guess who didn't support him on his decision....yep, his father...they do not speak today.) My going back to my childhood (My Journey) has helped me to realize a lot of things about myself, my feelings and how I view things differently. It has also taught me a lot about what I want out of a relationship and is helping me work past the abandonment issues. Do I, or will I, ever trust that a man will not abandon me in the future.....no, I will probably never be comfortable in that regard....but I will be able to see the red flags to address the issues before the abandonment happens. That is my hope at least. Going back to my current STBXH....I thought we were in it for the long haul and that he would eventually settle down and change.....now I see that he did me a favor by leaving.....but that doesn't stop it from being painful.
sumdude Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) There's no one way a divorce happens or one way someone can react to it. The spouse left behind is usually surprised at some level. Some a lot more than others. I got the surprise no warning move out. Things may not have been going well for a little while in the marriage. I should have noticed more somehow I suppose? But one morning she dropped me off at work. Called me a few hours later to tell me she moved out. Figured out there was an affair, deceit, gaslighting etc... It all added up to feeling like the rug was pulled out from under my world. What I thought was true wasn't what I thought was real wasn't. It was almost like a mild case of PTSD. Depression, anxiety, mood swings et al It's never easy to move past abandonment....even children of divorce have a hard time with it when they feel abandoned by their parents...which leads to the other stat on children of divorce having a higher divorce rate. It's the issues of keeping your guard up, bringing your issues with you into the next relationship, and not working them out before you try a new relationship. It's a recipe for disaster from what I have learned. Essentially, the feelings that were not resolved are brought into the next relationship and taken out on the unsuspecting person. My ex and I both did this as we were both abandoned by our father's at young ages. My fears....all men abandon their spouses, his affirmation...my father did it, why shouldn't I? (Guess who didn't support him on his decision....yep, his father...they do not speak today.) Interesting, my ex wife's mother abandoned her, her father and her sister one day. Oddly enough she left her husband in much the same way my ex wife left me. Edited June 18, 2010 by sumdude
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 LittleTiger..you're right in that it doesn't matter what the reason (unless there is abuse) as to why someone leaves, it still leaves the one left behind with the most pain, resentment and wondering why, all those who left always look put it all on the other which sucks, because during the initial shock phase, you are believing it to be totally you're fault and have to go through that phase before realizing it takes two...to work through it but only one to destroy a marriage.
trippi1432 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Interesting, my ex wife's mother abandoned her, her father and her sister one day. Oddly enough she left her husband in much the same way my ex wife left me. Yep, something to be said about that.....my previous ex's mother abandoned him, his brother and father the exact same way he abandoned me and his daughter.....she left a note and just took off while her husband was out. To make it even worse, his brother was really his half-brother, so the father wound up with his only son and her son from a previous marriage to raise. Another note on my ex MIL (as I posted some things about her in another thread)....she passed away at 54 from brain cancer....but had managed to rack up 13 marriages in her lifetime in which she was the leaver in every one of them. My 1st ex had a great role model to go by.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I once stopped my mom from stabbing my dad when I was 11..I wish they would have abandoned each other.
littlelisa30 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 This isnt about all "leavers". It's about Spouse Abandonment Syndrome. To me, abandonment means when the "leaver" wakes up one day and decides to leave. But without _ever_ communicating their unhappiness, without _ever_ trying to work on the marriage, without _ever_ going to marriage counseling first. If you actually vocalized your unhappiness and you tried working on the marriage, then kudos to you! You are a much better man than my exh. He, literally, was here today, gone tomorrow. And he admits that he NEVER vocalized his unhappiness because he was "afraid to hurt me"?! I was abandoned. There was no forewarning. There was no "rough patch". It was literally come home at 10pm one night, say for the very first time he wants a divorce, and then packs his stuff and moves out the very next day, to _never_ return. And on top of that, the words he uttered to me, was extremely abusive, something I would NEVER say to my worst enemy. I felt like he was trying to kill me with the amount of verbal pain and abandonment he inflicted. It made me VERY suicidal. I can identify with this (except for the suicidal part). My husband was home one day- gone the next. Everything was great (or so I thought) until a week before he left. He started acting "off" and I asked him several times if everything was ok and he reasured me it was. That was the cruelest thing he's ever done to me. Told me everything was fine while he was planning his exit. To me, it was like he just woke up one day and had changed his mind about me. As though I was a pair of pants he could just return the store. I was totally blindsided, shocked. And still have no answers. It has only been a little over a week ago since he left. He's turned into an absolute stranger since he told me he wants a divorce. He's verbally abusive, manipulative, mean and angry. Blames EVERYTHING on me. Has a laundry list of my supposed faults that is a mile long. yet he never said anything to me before, Never had any complaints, never criticized me. He was always loving and good to me. That is why this is such a shock. I thought our life was great- we had our differences at times but we shared interests, could talk about anything, had sex about 5-10 times a week. At times it still felt like we were in the honeymoon stage. He was my best friend. and now he acts like I'm the worst thing to ever happen to him. He abandoned our life together like it meant nothing to him. He's run back to me saying he misses me etc a few times but only when the new object of his affection (I don't think he cheated but I could be wrong, I think he became infatuated with the thought of dating someone new or having a chance with her and truthfully she's no prize and doesn't even really seem interested in him. She throws him some bread crumbs here and there but she just got divorced and seems to not want to start something new.) I just can't believe he can replace me so easily. He is so over our relationship and I haven't even started to heal. Sometimes I wake up and feel like this isn't reality, its just a bad dream. I've barely come to grips with the fact that this chapter of my life is over and he's just so over me already. And I had no idea. Didn't see it coming. And he has no remorse. He's convinced I was so terrible and there is an endless list of bad things about me (he says I was too controlling, that I lied to him that he didn't ever trust me, that he's sure I cheated on him, that I wasn't interested in him, that I wanted out a long time ago and was just waiting for him to be the one to leave) that he feels he's justified in leaving so quickly. Yet he never told me any of this before and I know its all BS to make himself feel and look better. But this abandonement hurts. It is like a huge piece of my body was ripped off and there's just this gaping hole there and I don't know how to stop it from hurting. I tell myself I'm better off without him and who wants to be with someoen that doesn't want you? I don't want to be anyone's 2nd choice. And I feel better for awhile but there's still this huge gap in my life now.
Star Gazer Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 There is a really good saying: "It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to break it." Walking out of marriage is saying you don't want to even try to make it work. And, the person who makes that decision is the one who is responsible for the end of the marriage. All reasons aside. Problem is that the person who walks out (aka. the "leaver") usually does not want to have the stigma of being the one who left/cheated/etc. So, they have to find and put blame on the other party. (the "left") Funny, I think this applies to my breakup as well (not a marriage). I was left with all of the responsibility of our breakup, when he carried just as much fault and blame (if not more so). You have choices. And, choices have consequences for more than yourself. You can choose to communicate your unhappiness in a marriage in a way that your spouse understands. Or, you can complain that they don't get you, claim that you are trying, and eventually file for a divorce. One is the moral high road, the other is the path of least resistance. Working on marriage is not easy. And, some people just don't get it. So, when the going gets tough, they make a choice to walk. Yup. Yup. Remember, you (and you alone) are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy in marriage, it is rarely your spouse’s fault. It is rarely the marriages fault. It is most likely your fault. I would guess that in 999 of 1000 marriages, the unhappiness is the fault of the individual. If you are unhappy, it is your responsibility to fix the marriage. I own my unhappiness. The ex blames me for his. Hmmm.... If you were left, find solace in the fact that you are being forced to examine yourself. The odds are not in favour of the person who left you. The reason, they don't "get it". I'm doing a detailed autopsy of my relationship and the person I was in it. The examination is going quite well. I can only hope the ex is doing the same thing, for his own sake.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 LittleLisa..I'm sure you realize the sudden 180 by your husband means he is definitely infactuated with someone..how can someone just fall in 'love' with someone else when they are in a lengthy relationship?..it has to be infactuation that is the first step to affairs and abandonment..but not all affairs lead to abandonment..I can attest to that..I would have never left my girls or wife..
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