Spousal abandonment syndrome

[trippi1432]

Hang in there LittleLisa - he has a laundry list now of things against you....but you will see that when things aren't working out with his new found interest, you are suddenly the best thing that ever happened in his life.

 

My STBXH was going back and forth between everything being my fault to praising me and telling me he still loved me for almost four months (and he moved in with his love interest 2 weeks after she kicked her husband out). Of course he still maintains no affair while we were together. Very suspicious behavior indeed. Your situation could be very much like mine in which an EA led to a PA after he left, but the EA was what drove him to leave while pinning all the blame on you.

 

Don't take his insults, there is a lot to work out on your feelings from your side, but only take what you know is true for you. He needs to own some responsibility which he is too blind to see right now, if ever.

 

I've looked at some of your other posts in the other forums, please feel free to post over here in the S&D forums as well....there is a lot of info and examples here of pretty much what you are going through.

 

Hugs

 

Trippi

Edited June 18, 2010 by trippi1432
spelling

[LisaUk]

Hi all,

 

Dgirl is correct the term spousal abandonment refers to a complete walk away with no indication of any unhappiness, discontent, no change in behaviour (perhaps mildly "off" a few days before in some cases), in hindsight, no red flags. There is a difference between this type of leaver and one where the left is aware that the relationship is in difficulty.

 

An example may help for those who have no experienced spousal abandomnment syndrome. My ex literally walked me round a wedding venue telling me how much he loved me and how our wedding would be lovely etc etc, just a few weeks before he left, he also told me how much he valued me b/c I made him feel safe and secure, happy etc. Then a couple of weeks after we set the date (no fights, no problems, no emotional detachment) he started to act a bit odd, apparently the wedding "felt a bit real"! (Clearly commitment phobic, but rather than admit this to himself and me he choose to hurt me so much my hair literally fell out!)

 

He got up one Saturday morning and whilst I was still half asleep in bed turned to me and said "I don't want to be with you anymore, we aren't compatible (18 years we had been together), I'm leaving" he then added "have your parents come get you" (like I was a disposable dish rag to be removed).

 

I'm not trying to minimise anyone elses pain or feelings of abandonment, those that were aware of problems within the relationship and feel abandoned, this is just a different kind of abandonment. The importance, I beleive, in defing it, labelling it, is not to make sense of why they left but to help those of us that were left to cope with what was done to us. It was done to us! I would have done all that was necessary to try and make my ex happy, but I was not given the opportunity, I was not aware he was unhappy.

 

The importance of understanding or labelling is that for those of us left in this way we cannot see or understand our part in the breakdown, b/c to us there was no breakdown. The relationship was good, happy, strong. How can we make sense of what happened, when all we have is a load of gaslighting abuse thrown at us from nowhere? Being left like this IS abusive.

 

Justsomeguy, I know your story. If your wife was screaming at you, then she knew something was wrong! However, I remeber reading in one of your threads that you were only doing the MC to help her come to terms with the marriage ending and you had no intention of even trying to make it work?

 

In answer to whether my ex not setting the date to marry was a red flag? NO. Not at the time. See, we got together at 15, not practical too young. We got engaged and his grandmother died that weekend, we wanted to move house, he (supposedly) thought we deserved a big family wedding (I wasn't fussed, he convinced me to wait until we could afford it), we moved, we renovated a house, big project, more years passed, time came, he was facing possible redundancy, that passed, I was unwell for a time, then we moved again etc etc. My point, I trusted him implicitly and there was always a plausible excuse. Clearly in hindsight it was all BS. But like my friends and family have said, he had us all fooled, not just me.

[LisaUk]

LittleLisa, just wanted to add that there are many here who know the pain you are in right now. LS users have helped me so much, we will try and help you as much as we can. Right now this is very fresh for you. My best advice at the moment is to take one hour at a time, try to eat, try to sleep (both very difficult, I know) and come here to talk and for support. Don't turn to your H for support, he is not the person you beleive him to be, you need to go NC, imediately, trust me on this, I know it fights evry natural instinct you have, but there is no reasoning with him now, IF he realises his mistakes, he will do so on his own, anything and everything you say or do right now he will only twist to serve his own interests.

[bikes4u]

WoW! lots of similarities here. My wife left after 2.5yrs of marriage. She waited for me to go to work and sent me a text that she had moved out. When I got home the walls were bare and she had taken everything she thought was hers. No kitchen table, no bed, etc, etc. She ran to her parents house and moved in. If my kids ever come back to me after marriage I will tell them "get your ars back there and work things out" not "welcome home".

 

At first she said she was fighting depression and it was all her fault and she didn't understand why she was doing what she was.

 

I have 2 children that we keep every other week for the week (Sunday to Sunday) and they thought as much of her as their own biological Mother and I thought she thought of them as her own. My family/friends were amazed at how well she treated the kids. Everyone thought she was an absolute Queen including me.

 

Slowly she began to blame me for everything. Saying I should have know something was wrong and corrected it. She never once said anything was wrong or gave me any choice of "do this or else".

 

The first counseling apt we went to she took most of the blame and said I was the nicest man she's every knows. Within a month it had all changed to I was argumentative, stubborn, angry, etc. I attribute this to having to come up with some kind of reason for leaving to tell friends/family. She couldn't possibly tell them ----he's a great guy so I left him.

 

We now see each other about once a week for a couple hours. According to her her schedule is always filled with things to do.

 

I am sure she is not cheating. This is very hard for me and she has abandoned the kids also---she never talks to or sees them anymore at all.

 

At first my family took it very hard. My Dad told me "you can't do this, you have 2 children" "she was a queen". All I could say is you need to accept it.

 

Its been about 3 months since she's left and it doesn't get any easier. I have now accepted it and I try not to dwell and am starting to spend more time with friends/family.

 

I wish the best for everyone on this board, these stories are just heart breaking.

[LittleTiger]

Lisa, I'm sure I remember you talking about your exes behaviour in previous posts, especially the ones where you started to get angry at him. You said that he didn't treat you right, and deep down you know that's true, you just chose to ignore it at the time. He did put off the wedding many times over the years - that's a red flag whether you saw it or not. If a friend of yours was engaged for all that time, wouldn't you start to wonder?

 

I think what you're missing here is that abandonment is abandonment, whatever happened before the event. None of us has the same feelings as anyone else but trauma is trauma, however we experience it.

 

Yes, my husband and I had problems in our marriage but as far as I was aware we were working it out. He was working abroad and he sent me texts telling me that 'losing me would be too horrible to contemplate' and 'we would work it out and live happily ever after'. We booked a very expensive holiday for when he finished his contract, we talked about renewing our marriage vows - all this after a lifetime, and I mean a lifetime (38 years!) of declaring his undying love for me. That I was the love of his life, his whole life, he would never love anybody the way he loved me. All my friends and family could see how he adored me, practically worshiped the ground I walked on.

 

The time before his 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' trip home, he clung on to me like he never wanted to let me go. We had a phone conversation the day before he got home last year, when we talked about our future. Then he walked through the door, virtually ignored me for hours and eventually blurted out that he didn't want to be married any more.

 

The shock was so huge, it was like my father (who I have a very close relationship with) telling me that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I felt like my insides had been torn out of me. I honestly thought he had lost his mind. My husband had disappeared and was replaced by this unfeeling 'robot'. Then he left. Left me to deal with our house, our business - everything! All 'our' responsibilities were dumped on me. My sister in law said he was like a child who'd got fed up with playing the game and walked off in a sulk!

 

I have no idea what happened between those two trips home, another woman maybe! But I can tell you that I felt just as shocked by what he did as anybody could possibly feel. I was suicidal for a very long time because my whole world as I knew it no longer existed. I had no idea how to carry on without the person who had been my best friend my whole life.

 

My point is that whether your story fits the spousal abandonment syndrome exactly or not, there are similarities in all of our stories. Abandonment is abandonment - period! You just can't pigeonhole people or situations. Even where the abandonment follows the syndrome to the letter, it still tells you nothing about what happened in that relationship, so it isn't really a useful label.

 

We can't compare our own suffering with each others any more than we can compare our relationships. The important thing is to look at yourself and how you can heal from whatever dark place you've fallen into it. You can analyse it and label it forever and a day and it won't change a thing.

 

Most of us on here know how it feels to hurt to the core. The important difference is not how or why it happened, but how we can each recover as quickly as possible and start living again.

[dgiirl]

You can analyse it and label it forever and a day and it won't change a thing.

 

Yes, it is true that it won't change a thing. However, it does help some people come to terms with what is happening when they can define what it is.

 

A HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders once I knew I suffered from "anxiety". For years, I suffered the symptoms to the point that I thought I was a crazy mean evil person. When I went to counseling, I asked her how come when I get angry, I reiterate the scenario ad nauseum in my head? How come I cannot fall asleep at night because my thoughts drive me crazy? And a whole slew of other questions. Once she told me that it is anxiety, I read up everything I could, including ways to manage it! And that helped tremendously. I now can usually spot when I suffer an anxiety attack and can definitely manage it a LOT better than I ever did in the past. Without knowing what I was suffering from I would never have known how to manage it!

 

In regards to my ex's abandonment. It also helped to define it. The way he verbally attacked me the night he left. The way he never mentioned his unhappiness and then all of a sudden tell me he hated me, he never wanted to marry me, he always wanted children, just NOT with me, and that all I ever did was take and take from him, and that I hurt people tremendously, without ever realizing it because I'm an evil person, and then simply walking out. All the while putting my life on hold for 11 years believing we were both working towards building a family together. That's ABUSE.

 

When he left, all I did was take blame. I over analyzed my own role to death and I blamed myself harshly. I know exactly what my part in the marriage was and that is ALL I saw for many months after our separation. And I even took on his faults and blamed myself for it. Once I started to distance myself from that night, and I was able to start to label what part I had to blame and what part he had to blame, I was able to start to heal. For too long, I was carrying around his baggage trying to make sense of it. And it did NOT make any sense (and with my anxiety, I had to over analyze everything ad nauseum). Once I was able to acknowledge that what he said to me was EXTREMELY abusive and that he abandoned me, I was able to blame him for THAT part and I was able to let it go, because I finally had something that made sense.

 

So yes, labels might not change the past, and I agree that you cannot blame them for EVERYTHING. But when you blame _yourself_ for everything, then it's good to analyze their faults. You don't want to put them on a pedestal and you don't want to carry around their baggage. Take what is yours and leave the rest behind.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, I'm sure I remember you talking about your exes behaviour in previous posts, especially the ones where you started to get angry at him. You said that he didn't treat you right, and deep down you know that's true, you just chose to ignore it at the time. He did put off the wedding many times over the years - that's a red flag whether you saw it or not. If a friend of yours was engaged for all that time, wouldn't you start to wonder?Absolutly, but I would wonder if he had committment issues not if they were having problems, having been there myself, see if he was unhappy he would not have stuck around so long, eight years engaged is way too long for the problem to be me or our relationship, I don't care what anyone else may say, I lived it, I trusted him implitly and no, truely, if I was concerned I would talk to him about it and he would reassure me. That is why you too are suffering from SPS in my opinion, although you were aware there were problems, he reassured you, time and time again that they were not serious enough that there was a possibility that you could not work them out. You were abandoned.

 

What I find interesting is that not every relationship ends this way. There is indeed a way in which a marriage breaks down where both parties are expecting and prepared for it, they have both been honest and given it their all, that is the difference, your xh was not honest with you.

 

I think what you're missing here is that abandonment is abandonment, whatever happened before the event. None of us has the same feelings as anyone else but trauma is trauma, however we experience it. I never meant to imply anything else.

 

Yes, my husband and I had problems in our marriage but as far as I was aware we were working it out. He was working abroad and he sent me texts telling me that 'losing me would be too horrible to contemplate' and 'we would work it out and live happily ever after'. We booked a very expensive holiday for when he finished his contract, we talked about renewing our marriage vows - all this after a lifetime, and I mean a lifetime (38 years!) of declaring his undying love for me. That I was the love of his life, his whole life, he would never love anybody the way he loved me. All my friends and family could see how he adored me, practically worshiped the ground I walked on.

 

The time before his 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' trip home, he clung on to me like he never wanted to let me go. We had a phone conversation the day before he got home last year, when we talked about our future. Then he walked through the door, virtually ignored me for hours and eventually blurted out that he didn't want to be married any more.

 

The shock was so huge, it was like my father (who I have a very close relationship with) telling me that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I felt like my insides had been torn out of me. I honestly thought he had lost his mind. My husband had disappeared and was replaced by this unfeeling 'robot'. Then he left. Left me to deal with our house, our business - everything! All 'our' responsibilities were dumped on me. My sister in law said he was like a child who'd got fed up with playing the game and walked off in a sulk!

 

I have no idea what happened between those two trips home, another woman maybe! But I can tell you that I felt just as shocked by what he did as anybody could possibly feel. I was suicidal for a very long time because my whole world as I knew it no longer existed. I had no idea how to carry on without the person who had been my best friend my whole life.

 

My point is that whether your story fits the spousal abandonment syndrome exactly or not, there are similarities in all of our stories. Abandonment is abandonment - period! You just can't pigeonhole people or situations. Even where the abandonment follows the syndrome to the letter, it still tells you nothing about what happened in that relationship, so it isn't really a useful label.

 

We can't compare our own suffering with each others any more than we can compare our relationships. The important thing is to look at yourself and how you can heal from whatever dark place you've fallen into it. You can analyse it and label it forever and a day and it won't change a thing.

 

Most of us on here know how it feels to hurt to the core. The important difference is not how or why it happened, but how we can each recover as quickly as possible and start living again.

 

I agree, the most important thing is how can we recover from what happened, I however agree with Dgirl, sometimes part of the recovery is being able to accept that YOU did not cause this. When someone leaves without warning (as you know), the shock is huge. Personally I took on all his words, internalised them and blamed myself for over a year, still do sometimes.

 

Having this "label" on what he did to me helps me to understand that I did not do this. I loved this man more than my own life, I would have died to save him if it had ever been necessary, so why on Earth would I not do everything I could to make him happy? Well, b/c I wasn't told he was unhappy. How can I possibly be to blame for the end of a relationship that I had no idea was in trouble? The label helps me to see that his behaviour is a result of something that is faulty within him, not me and I think that perhaps this is the first step closer to my recovery. Whilst I was not perfect in the relationship I did the best I knew how at the time and I had no idea anything was wrong, like I have said before, probably b/c nothing was, given the CP.

[trippi1432]

I was looking through my devotionals and trying to catch them up on FB when I came across this one....I felt that it applies somewhat here...at least it did for me in a way....depends on the circumstances I guess....

 

Daily Devotional: Melodie Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

 

"Master the lessons of your present circumstances.

 

We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.

 

Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.

 

Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.

 

Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know that it is good.

 

Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.

 

Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient." (Beattie, 1990)

 

Beattie, M. (1990). Surrender. In M. Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency (pgs. 168-169). Center City: Hazelden.

[LisaUk]

 

Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.

 

Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know that it is good.

 

Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient."

 

Sorry Trippi, but I don't beleive in this. Sometimes s**t happens and sometimes people s**t on you for no good reason, to say everything happens for a reason is to say that bad things happen to good people for a reason, no, I don't buy that. There are famines, wars, sick people, not everything happens for a reason, sometimes it is just s**t dished out for no reason or by selfish, self centred people and there are plenty of them in the world, not everyone is good, kind and thoughtful. I see it every day when studying law, what some people do to others, some criminal law reports are VERY hard reading. Be grateful for being treated like s**t, no.

[trippi1432]

Sorry Trippi, but I don't beleive in this. Sometimes s**t happens and sometimes people s**t on you for no good reason, to say everything happens for a reason is to say that bad things happen to good people for a reason, no, I don't buy that. There are famines, wars, sick people, not everything happens for a reason, sometimes it is just s**t dished out for no reason or by selfish, self centred people and there are plenty of them in the world, not everyone is good, kind and thoughtful. I see it every day when studying law, what some people do to others, some criminal law reports are VERY hard reading. Be grateful for being treated like s**t, no.

 

I can understand your side; however, I don't feel the original intent of this author is to state being grateful for being treated like s**t...I feel that she is saying take the individual lesson that is happening from that situation and apply it to your life learning.

 

There is absolutely nothing that any of us can do to change the past, we can only learn from it and move forward...as wiser individuals. This is not to say that bad things only happen to good people, I don't believe in that....that is only asking for the negative aspects and not seeing the positive side of anything.

 

I know....when hurt, no one wants to see the positive....it is easier to take every single hurtful word that was said and put it away as the core of our being.....there is the hole that you have to dig out of. I still have my days as well, and everyone's pain is different.

 

When my first ex abandoned our daughter and myself without a single indication that he was going to do this...I thought my life was over. 23 years old and abandoned with a 3 year child. Sometimes, out of the ashes, good things do happen....I became a stronger person, went to school and started my education. For that, I look at where I am as opposed to where I was years ago.

 

Your ex...yes, he did you a horrible turn....anyone can see that and agree to it. I waited 12 years with an engagement ring on my finger because of my own reasons. I finally gave in hoping that marriage would make things better....it didn't, and he left 3 years into the marriage. I (stupidly) would have clung to the marriage whether I was happy or not, just hoping that one day, things would get better.

 

I know you are not going to want to hear this....please forgive me if I offend you, but....would you have gone on to Law school had the two of you gotten married? What would have been the circumstances had the two of you gotten married and what if he left anyway just a few years later?

[TaraMaiden]

Lisa, with the kindest and best wish in the world....

maybe you need to re-evaluate your methods and points of view, because so far, everything you've done hasn't worked.

So maybe it would help you to explore new horizons, and look at things from a different angle......

 

I understand the study and pull of the legal system. I understand how law has to more often than not be unequivocal. I understand about test cases and precedents, and courts of appeal, and legislation....

And I understand that while in a legal frame of mind everything is largely black and white, this is a professional requirement....

 

Consider maybe that life outside legal parameters - life on a personal level - is far from cut-and-dried.

So therein lies the possibility of seeing things from new, different and unexplored perspectives.....

To consider something outside our own belief system, might bring hitherto unseen and unexpected adventures.....

 

Wishing you well....

 

TM

[LisaUk]

Lisa, with the kindest and best wish in the world....

maybe you need to re-evaluate your methods and points of view, because so far, everything you've done hasn't worked.

So maybe it would help you to explore new horizons, and look at things from a different angle......

 

I understand the study and pull of the legal system. I understand how law has to more often than not be unequivocal. I understand about test cases and precedents, and courts of appeal, and legislation....

And I understand that while in a legal frame of mind everything is largely black and white, this is a professional requirement....

 

Consider maybe that life outside legal parameters - life on a personal level - is far from cut-and-dried.

So therein lies the possibility of seeing things from new, different and unexplored perspectives.....

To consider something outside our own belief system, might bring hitherto unseen and unexpected adventures.....

 

Wishing you well....

 

TM

 

Hi Tara,

 

I'm sorry but I have read your post serveral times and honestly I have no idea what you are talking about. There is nothing wrong with me, I posted the link b/c I thought it would help others, it has helped me, as I said above, finally something has started to help me let go of this pain. For some reason, not sure why you seem to be taking this very negatively. That's fine, you are entiltled to your opinion and I am entiltled to mine, like I said also, on my other thread, there is a new attitude in town with me, what others think of me does not really matter to me anymore b/c no matter whether I am trying to help, be nice or put the other person first, it's never right, someone always interpets it differently to how it is intended. Like I said before, I always try to do things with the best of intentions. If people don't want to see that, if they want to judge me by how they live their lives that is their problem.

 

I'm not seeing things black and white and in fact you are incorrect about law being black and white, in fact far from it, law is the most fuzzy edged and varying shades of grey possible, it's finding those shades of grey and turning them to your advantage that makes the difference between an average lawyer and a good one. I used to think the same before I studied law, in fact it is quite scary that even criminal law is not black and white when you consider the reprocussions.

 

Anyway, I am going on and on, my point is this, the post helped me to figure some things out, if it helps others great, if not then it would be good if people could just let those of us that it has helped, myself and Dgirl for example just be, how is it helpful to us and to others reading to want to shoot that down? Sorry if that offends, but like I said I have learnt a few things recently and I'm not pussy footing about anymore. Not anger, I appreciate you posting, but I don't agree or appreciate what you said to me.

[LisaUk]

Hi Trippi

 

would i have gone to law school? It's not really relevant is it? Yes i have done things i would not have, does not mean that i am pleased it happened though. What if? Well how long is a piece of string? ACtually he wouldn't have left if we were married, knowing him as I did that is the whole problem, his CP stems from the fact that he would feel trapped b/c as a Christian he does not beleive in divorce under any circumstances. Laughable isn't it? That he sees leaving after 18 years like breaking up after 6 months dating, so long as he has not actually taken vows before God! Never mind he would tell me that he thought of me as his wife.

 

Anyway, all this aside, this was not the purpose of this thread, the purpose was b/c I thought I would share something that has really helped me, unfortunately, for whatever reason it does not seem to have had the effect I hoped it would and it seems to have upset some people.

 

WHilst I was away from LS, I was calm, happy etc, within two days of returning here to offer my support to others I am depressed and hurt, perhaps it is time for me to take another break. Maybe this thread should be left to float to the bottom now.

 

To all those who have helped and supported me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I could not have gotten here without you and for those of you just starting the rollarcoaster, please know that whilst I still hurt it does get better. A break I think, some time to think and maybe I will come back.....Take care all.

[TaraMaiden]

Gotcha, Lisa.

Now I understand.

[trippi1432]

Lisa,

 

Not sure if you will see this anytime soon, but my Beattie post was not meant to harm or give insignificance to the justification of what the content you have found that has helped you to start overcoming. We are all in search of that in our own way.

 

We each handle our pain in our own way....Beattie has been one that has helped me as well as her codependency books. I know that we all have different situations that sometimes it is hard to empathize with. It is just as hard to go from a two to a one as it is to go from four to a three to a two to a one. I say this because, for me, I have lost everything....my husband and my children and I know that this is not something that people without children identify with on some levels because they were looking at starting their lives. I DO understand that and that does not diminish what you are going through.

 

What we have to do to get by, it's what we HAVE to do....no matter how irrational it may seem at the time....today...it means one thing, but years from now it could very well mean something else. I had to do things to build a life for my family, which turned out to the the means to the end of my family.

 

I realize that this post may seem insignificant to the pain you are going through, because I understand...it's yours and no one can talk you out of it...just as mine is MINE and no one can empathize with mine either.

 

I apologize if my post irritated you in any way....please know that there is always someone on LS to listen to you, but I do understand the need to take a break for awhile....I have done that myself on numerous occasions.

 

Trippi

[soheartbroken]

Sorry Trippi, but I don't beleive in this. Sometimes s**t happens and sometimes people s**t on you for no good reason, to say everything happens for a reason is to say that bad things happen to good people for a reason, no, I don't buy that. There are famines, wars, sick people, not everything happens for a reason, sometimes it is just s**t dished out for no reason or by selfish, self centred people and there are plenty of them in the world, not everyone is good, kind and thoughtful. I see it every day when studying law, what some people do to others, some criminal law reports are VERY hard reading. Be grateful for being treated like s**t, no.

 

Lisa, if you're still following this thread, I think you're bang on. S*** happens, and I wish I could say it was for a special reason, but that's just not the case.

[tojaz]

Ok, I guess I will chime in now as my therapist has been discussing SAS with me, and it does make a lot of sense in relation to what i have been feeling going through this.

 

For others, this is from Vikki Starks website http://www.runawayhusbands.com/index.html

 

I believe I personaly can answer yes to every single one. The site is directed towards women, but applies to both husbands and wives. Worth a good long look for those of us finding ourselves stuck.

 

Ten Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.

4. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

5. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

6. The husband’s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.

8. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.

9. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

 

Lisa, if you're still following this thread, I think you're bang on. S*** happens, and I wish I could say it was for a special reason, but that's just not the case.

 

I look at it a little different and kind of see what Trippi is talking about. I'm not going to say that these traumas happen for a reason though, because all the hurt walk aways cause is completely senseless. We all know that if a relationship has to end, there is a right way and a wrong way to do that.

 

i will say though, that any negative trauma in our lives can become a catalyst for us to better ourselves and to learn. While not making the trauma worthwhile, it can be beneficial to us in the future, and therefore not just pain for the sake of pain.

 

Its all about working with what life has handed you and how you chose to do that.

 

TOJAZ

[just_some_guy]

It looks like a way to sell books.

[littlelisa30]

Hi all,

 

Dgirl is correct the term spousal abandonment refers to a complete walk away with no indication of any unhappiness, discontent, no change in behaviour (perhaps mildly "off" a few days before in some cases), in hindsight, no red flags. There is a difference between this type of leaver and one where the left is aware that the relationship is in difficulty.

 

An example may help for those who have no experienced spousal abandomnment syndrome. My ex literally walked me round a wedding venue telling me how much he loved me and how our wedding would be lovely etc etc, just a few weeks before he left, he also told me how much he valued me b/c I made him feel safe and secure, happy etc. Then a couple of weeks after we set the date (no fights, no problems, no emotional detachment) he started to act a bit odd, apparently the wedding "felt a bit real"! (Clearly commitment phobic, but rather than admit this to himself and me he choose to hurt me so much my hair literally fell out!)

 

He got up one Saturday morning and whilst I was still half asleep in bed turned to me and said "I don't want to be with you anymore, we aren't compatible (18 years we had been together), I'm leaving" he then added "have your parents come get you" (like I was a disposable dish rag to be removed).

 

I'm not trying to minimise anyone elses pain or feelings of abandonment, those that were aware of problems within the relationship and feel abandoned, this is just a different kind of abandonment. The importance, I beleive, in defing it, labelling it, is not to make sense of why they left but to help those of us that were left to cope with what was done to us. It was done to us! I would have done all that was necessary to try and make my ex happy, but I was not given the opportunity, I was not aware he was unhappy.

 

The importance of understanding or labelling is that for those of us left in this way we cannot see or understand our part in the breakdown, b/c to us there was no breakdown. The relationship was good, happy, strong. How can we make sense of what happened, when all we have is a load of gaslighting abuse thrown at us from nowhere? Being left like this IS abusive.

 

Justsomeguy, I know your story. If your wife was screaming at you, then she knew something was wrong! However, I remeber reading in one of your threads that you were only doing the MC to help her come to terms with the marriage ending and you had no intention of even trying to make it work?

 

In answer to whether my ex not setting the date to marry was a red flag? NO. Not at the time. See, we got together at 15, not practical too young. We got engaged and his grandmother died that weekend, we wanted to move house, he (supposedly) thought we deserved a big family wedding (I wasn't fussed, he convinced me to wait until we could afford it), we moved, we renovated a house, big project, more years passed, time came, he was facing possible redundancy, that passed, I was unwell for a time, then we moved again etc etc. My point, I trusted him implicitly and there was always a plausible excuse. Clearly in hindsight it was all BS. But like my friends and family have said, he had us all fooled, not just me.

 

 

From one Lisa to another- I'm so sorry what you went through. I literally feel your pain. I do believe there is a big difference between knowing you have problems and that your relationship is disintegrating and that you are fighting to hang on and then the relationhip deteriorates to an end, and when one partner thinks everything is fine, is happy and feeling secuire and the spouse is planning an exit but gives no indication, allows no work to be done to the relationship, but just abruptly leaves one day with no warning. Trauma is trauma that is true and the end of most relationships are traumatic but the complete shattering of your world that happens when your love just up and leaves with no warning and then is immediately so cold hearted and hateful toward you (and turns into a stranger you wish you'd never met) is unbelievably difficult. I wouldn't treat someone I despise the way my husband has been treating me since we separated. He has NO regard for my feelings, says the most horrible things to me and has totally devalued me. Honestly, I have ZERO value in his eyes. I'm basically a waste of skin to him. And to go from being #1 in his life, from being adored and loved and protected and cared for, and honored and from being his best friend to this nothingness. And to know that he is actually happier without me. That all just kills me.

[littlelisa30]

Ten Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy. YES DEFINATELY I thought we were happy. He never indicated otherwise.

2. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship. Exactly

3. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly. He moved out the same day he told me, there was NO discussion, no reasoning with him. Any attempt to repair our marriage angered him. He just wanted rid of me.

4. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

5. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent. EXACTLY! He had a laundry list of all my offenses that made no sense and ranged from I was too controlling, I cheated on him, he suspected I had an appartment somewhere to conduct flings, I treated his family badly, I caused tension with his friends, I was always arguing with him, I didn't spend enough time with him, I never wanted to marry him etc. NONE of which he can give any examples of why he feels this way. THey are just excuses.

6. The husband’s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger. 100% identify with this one. My husband has NEVEr said one cruel word to me even in anger (he may have called me lazy one time and that is the worst thing he's ever said) Now he is offering to "let" his friends have sex with him, telling me which of his friends I should "help out" by sleeping with them, treating me like a piece of meat, telling me everything about me is bad, calling me a slut, saying horrible things about my personality, telling me he was afraid of me, that he's so much happier without me, just picking me apart, deliberatly trying to hurt me. And having no remorse.

7. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim. Totally him. He acts like HE is the victim and is mad that I am not doing more to make HIS life easier. that he SUFFERED through our marriage and I was so cruel to him and man is he happy to be rid of me (the devil, apparently) He has NEVER said sorry for blindsiding me, hurting me, totally shattering life as I knew it.

8. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend. This isn't entirely true, but it wouldn't suprise me if he does start living with someone in the near future. I know he is obviously chasing someone right now and is infatuated with her. Whether it goes anywhere only time will tell.

9. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.

Definately feeling this one- if I look at myself through his eyes I am nothing more than a waste of skin. He could care less if I was homeless at this point. He has rewritten our history, erased every good memory of our time together and I am absolutely worthless in his eyes.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

 

Again, I can say yes to this one as well, My husband has erased, discarded any good thoughts he ever had about me. He has rewritten our history to one that is very unpleasant and allows him to move without any effort. Leaving me behind like his thrown-away trash.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Ten Hallmarks of wife Abandonment Syndrome

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1. Prior to the separation, the wife had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by her husband as honest and trustworthy.

Honest and trustworthy?..trustworthy anyway.

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2. The wife had never indicated that she was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the husband believed himself to be in a secure relationship.

Indicated unhappy a few times, yes..definitely thought the unhappy relationship was secure though.

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3. By the time she reveals her feelings to her husband, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the wife moves out quickly.

She already rented a place for her and my girls and changed bank accounts...2 weeks she was gone. The only thing I'm confused with is that she moved a block from my work and wanted me to rent a house 3 houses away from her.

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4. The wife typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

While we were putting the dishes away.

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5. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

I was the bad person, and I needed to change.

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6. The wife's behavior changes radically, feeling to her husband that she has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

I would have swore someone else took over her body.

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7. The wife exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward her husband and she may describe herself as the victim.

I was the reason, I drove her to feel unhappy..she accepted no responsibility what so ever.

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8. In most cases, the wife is having an affair and moves in directly with her girlfriend.

I'm sure she does, denies to this day, but all the signs are there.

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9. The wife makes no attempt to help her husband, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for him has been extinguished.

Just the fact she got her own bank account, and paid the rent in advance, set me back some..and her credit is very bad.

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10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

Said she may have never loved me.

 

Though this is different relationship wise and the fact we were unhappy and yes I did have a PA (she didn't know), but regret it horribly..it still doesn't make the fact that the pain is there and thought we could work through our problems.