Support vs Debate/Judgement?

[Circular]

Not to wander back on topic but one of the most useful things I've found is reading peoples posting history. It's unfortunate that new posters typically don't know they can and should do that. It definitely helps me weigh the credence I give to the poster.

 

For example, there are a few 'drive by' posters who say things that you know they never really read the thread but are just angry or uptight and want to rattle a few cages because they don't realize nor care that most new posters are emotionally vulnerable - and lets face it, most folks who post are trying to figure out wtf to do to resolve their situations. Anyway, I know who most of those people are now because I've read their post history and its rare that they actually ever give any constructive advice over hundreds of posts. Their advice is solely based on venting their own frustrations. Others, their advice I respect, even if its hard for me to hear it because I've read their histories, and maybe I don't agree with their point of view but it is a perspective I need to listen to.

[Silly_Girl]

Excellent point. Good post! You're right.

[NoIDidn't]

And even non-member, lurkers can go through posting history.

[bentnotbroken]

Would you still do it if the BS was not only a neglecting husband/wife but abusive too?

Who would then be too blame more here? The WS (who at the same time is trying to get out too) or the abusive BS?

 

I can answer this. I am an recovering abuser who abused Mr. Messy. I am responsible for the abuse. It was unnecessary, uncalled for and wrong. He did nothing to deserve it. I was out of control. His affair was his fault. I didn't do anything to make him choose that path of destruction. He felt his family deserved the lies, I deserved the exposure to STD's and the continued fallout of his affair. I hope that sheds some light on an abusive/cheating situation.

[GreenEyedLady]

Would you still do it if the BS was not only a neglecting husband/wife but abusive too?

Who would then be too blame more here? The WS (who at the same time is trying to get out too) or the abusive BS?

 

How many here have been neglectful in a R? Friendship, love etc.

 

Probably everyone at some point and sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.

 

Life happens. Things happen in people's lives that keep them from being the perfect spouse, friend, relative.

 

Why is blame assigned?

 

IME, most people try to do the best they can with the circumstances they are presented with. But no one's perfect. Everyone has their vices and their weaknesses.

 

In a M I think it's deplorable that people keep score and that's a key that the M is compromised. People who love each other, pick up the slack when they need to. There's no: I did this and you didn't do this. In a loving M, it should even out.

 

There should not be a scorekeeper in a healthy, loving M.

 

And why should "blame" be assigned anyway? Sometimes people are just incompatible. And M's can still thrive and be healthy if both agree that they just don't see eye to eye. When there is a fundamental incompatibility where both partners agree they will never agree on, blame does not have to be assigned. It's no one's fault that a couple can't agree on X it just "is." If they choose to split, that is their choice. It doesn't have to be someone's fault. It simply "is." Would have been great to find out before kids and M but not always the case. And two divorced people can still coparent successfully.

 

Abusive gets thrown around here alot. It seems the meaning has become when someone else doesn't like what they hear. Unless it's physical and been filed in a court, I'd question it.

 

GEL

[OWoman]

Abusive gets thrown around here alot. It seems the meaning has become when someone else doesn't like what they hear. Unless it's physical and been filed in a court, I'd question it.

 

Very little abuse gets reported - due to its nature. Statistics estimate that up to 1 in 3 Rs is abusive, yet the reported cases are nowhere near that figure. If someone is willing to accept abuse and remain in an abusive R, they're likely either not to recognise that they're being abused, and that they can report it / leave the R; or they feel they're somehow deserving of the abuse; or they feel completely powerless to do anything about their situation / etc. If someone's empowered enough to report the abuse, chances are they're already on their way out of the R, and not likely to be in the position of engaging in an A.

[Spark1111]

Hmmmm...for me personally, I did not come here to be agreed with; I do not view support as that.

 

I came here to learn; about the mindset of OW/OM, the dynamics of an affair, how to heal from the pain of infidelity.

 

Some people are judgemental, but hey, that's life and I expected that. Some people can only post from their perspective, their life experience and I respect that too.

 

We can agree to disagree and still be "friends:rolleyes:" on an anonymous public forum.

 

Maybe I am not as thin-skinned as others?

 

Because if all you want to hear is "you are doing the right thing," jeez....I can get that from my employees and maybe my mother, and a host of other web sites devoted to agreeing with me on any position I would take.