I'm never going to let this happen again.

[Star Gazer]

I'm embarrassed and mad at myself. I really, really lost myself in the past, oh, 6 months (maybe longer). Like I said in my other thread, I made one decision after another (which somehow I thought was helpful to my relationship - foolish thought!), which just snowballed into me completely losing sight of what makes me me, and what makes me happy. As a result, I was relying on Skiman to make me happy, and getting frustrated at him when he couldn't be my "everything."

 

Sigh. I know this is a common problem for many women, who get all wrapped up in their relationships... but I never thought it would happen to me, Ms. Stubbornly Independent. But it did. Well, never again!

 

Here's a short list of some of the things I did when I first started dating Skiman, that made me happy and made me me:

 

* Daily exercise (particularly running [i LOVE short races, like 5Ks and 10Ks], weight training, and group exercise classes)

* Weekly skiing

* Weekly tennis lessons/games/rallies

* Bi-weekly charity meetings, or social charity events

* Regular dinners and "girlie date nights" with my girlfriends, particularly a group called "The Cosmo Club"... and tons of IMs, phone calls, emails, etc., in between to share news with one another

* Other activities with friends - shopping, brunching, traveling

* Bookclub

* Painting

* Baking

* Time to myself, to do whatever the eff I wanted: bubble baths, reading, pedicures...

 

There's one thing, just one, that I really kept up with during my relationship with Skiman. And it involves part of his name, SKIman.

 

Everything else? Out the window. I just let go of it. But luckily, since the breakup I have found that it wasn't all that far gone. I know, because I'm taking hardcore steps to recover everything that I let go of. I'm taking hardcore steps to recover ME.

 

My local girlfriends, who I basically ignored and abandoned as soon as I settled into a comfortable relationship, had every reason to ignore me in return. I mean, I really deserved it. I've had friends disappear on me when they got in a relationship, only to reappear as soon as it ended. That always irked me. But did my girlfriends turn their back on me? No. Farthest thing from it. They literally picked me up off the floor - constant communication/checking in on me, extending invitations, keeping me busy. I think they're just as excited to have me back in their lives, as I am thankful to still have them. And my long-distance girlfriends, such as two of my closest BFFs who live 2 and 8 hours away, spend countless time with me on the phone, or emailing, or texting me. (And a couple very special LSers were incredibly supportive too. )

 

In the 11 days since the breakup, I've gone to a brewfest, helped a friend put together her nursery, met a friend for happy hour, had dinner with 3 girlfriends, and another night of girly time watching reality TV with margaritas... not to mention tons of phone calls. It has felt SO good reconnecting with these wonderful women. Thankfully, there's enough of them that I can spread myself out and not drive any of them crazy!

 

But really, I literally don't know what I would have done without each of my friends. I'm literally the luckiest girl in the world.

 

But then there's my body. Ugh. What was once muscle turned into soft jiggle...and then some. I literally gained 18 pounds since entering this relationship, and my body composition totally changed. Even my face changed! How did this happen to me?? I let it happen. I ate the same size portions as my fit, big boyfriend, and ate really heavy foods, and became completely inactive.

 

My clothes all still fit (although not nearly as well), so the weight/flab snuck on without me realizing it, until I bought a scale. I remember getting on it close to the beginning of the year, and crying my eyes out in the shower. I felt like sh*t. I was totally out of shape. I was sluggish. I felt lazy. I needed 7.5 hours of sleep. I felt sloppy. I felt incapable of keeping up with Skiman, his brother, and his wife, on the slopes, on a hike, or on a run. I felt unattractive, and undesirable. I was comfortable being naked having sex, or in the glass shower, but other than that, I wouldn't walk around naked, strut my stuff, like I used to. I HATED being in a bathing suit, particularly in Kauai, or next to his brother's new wife (who is still enjoying the results of her wedding diet). I tried to start exercising, but I'd just fall off the wagon, content to snuggle with Skiman on the couch watching the Biggest Loser contestants run marathons while I sat there eating his ice cream.

 

In short, I felt like a physical loser.

 

The one blessing in all of this, is that the breakup kick-started my weight loss (6.5 pounds in about week!). Seeing a sudden change like that really inspired me to take it further. Plus, luckily for me, the racquet club/gym is still there. It's brick and mortar, so it couldn't abandon me even if it tried. Over the past week or so, I've been working out daily in my apartment complex's fitness center, but today I re-joined my racquet club/gym so I can have access to more equipment and the tennis courts/pros. It felt a little weird to be there, as though the gym also knew that I had abandoned it, and it was going to spitefully deny me access. But they, just like my friends, welcomed me back with open arms.

 

Now, physical progress is obviously going to be slow... but I literally already feel it and see it...as do other people! The "are you losing weight?" and "your face looks healthier" comments are starting to flow! I'm feeling SO much better just from exercising and feeling my old body creep to the surface. I'm feeling confident, and strong, and not as unfit as I thought! I've signed up for a couple races, and feel motivated! I look in the mirror and think to myself, "Hey there, hot stuff!" (and get excited to think about how I KNOW I'll be even fitter and looking even better a week, a month, a couple months from now). A month ago, I wasn't feeling that way. I felt...stuck, and in a rut. I didn't know how to get myself back.

 

But now, I do. You just do it. You just reclaim yourself.

 

I am vowing to myself and anyone who will listen to me, to never have to recapture or rediscover or recapture myself ever again. Why? Because I will never let myself go again - ever. I see how much I lost (my best friend and the best boyfriend I've ever had), and I'm not willing to ever put myself through this pain again based on my own choices - ever.

 

I love the me that is happy, and does all of the things on my list. That awesome, real me has existed both inside and outside of a relationship, so I know she can be a permanent fixture in my life.

 

Skiman dumped the old me. He was right to do that. I'm dumping the old me too. The real me, the one he fell in love with, and the one I love too, is back - with a vengeance! And I love myself way too much to ever let myself go again.

 

Take that, heartache!

[whichwayisup]

You're in a healthy place, even with a broken heart. Be proud of yourself SG! Not too many people can decipher through stuff like this so quickly and be so positive about it. You're very strong!

[Tony T]

A relationship that causes you to give up so much of yourself for its sake IS NOT a relationship. Of course, doing so was your fault. Did your ex require you to give up those things or did you just do so because of the intensity of the relationship and your desire to devote all that energy to it?

 

So many people give up their friends for a lover and that's pretty standard, although your friends are forever while lovers come and go generally.

 

This relationship was a tremendous learning experience for you, no matter how much pain you are experiencing now. However, lest you forget those lessons in the heat of passion when you meet somebody special in the future, I urge you to make index cards and refer to them often at the beginning. When the sparks are flying passionately, it's very difficult to remember just how much we are sacrificing who we are and how we really want to spend our lives for the sake of chemicals that will neutralize in time.

 

God bless your dear friends who came back and are there for you. They understand the process, although I'm sure your slighting them was painful back when.

 

Don't feel bad about having gone through this in this manner. It happens thousands of times a day.

[marlena]

A relationship that causes you to give up so much of yourself for its sake IS NOT a relationship

 

Absolutely. This should be embroidered, framed and put up in a conspicuous place to be seen constantly.

[sb129]

Yay you!

 

I needed to lose about the same amount after using the "eating for two" excuse" a few too many times.

 

I am about halfway there, I will be your buddy partner for making sure you do that exercise.

[Star Gazer]

You're in a healthy place, even with a broken heart. Be proud of yourself SG! Not too many people can decipher through stuff like this so quickly and be so positive about it. You're very strong!

 

Oh trust me, I'm still having moments of weakness. The spontaneous crying isn fun...

[Star Gazer]

Yay you!

 

I needed to lose about the same amount after using the "eating for two" excuse" a few too many times.

 

I am about halfway there, I will be your buddy partner for making sure you do that exercise.

 

At least you have something to show for it!! Wonderbaby was all worth it!

 

All I was left with was a muffin top.

[Taramere]

In the 11 days since the breakup, I've gone to a brewfest, helped a friend put together her nursery, met a friend for happy hour, had dinner with 3 girlfriends, and another night of girly time watching reality TV with margaritas... not to mention tons of phone calls. It has felt SO good reconnecting with these wonderful women. Thankfully, there's enough of them that I can spread myself out and not drive any of them crazy!

 

That's fantastic news. It's never easy, and you get up days as well as down...but to recognise the importance of reconnecting with who you were and what your life was before Skiman, and to do it so quickly, can only serve you well in this. I love this part:

 

Skiman dumped the old me. He was right to do that. I'm dumping the old me too. The real me, the one he fell in love with, and the one I love too, is back - with a vengeance!

 

I love it except for one thing. I don't believe Skiman was right. I think he could have fought for the relationship and he could have put in effort to make changes instead of hemming and hawing vaguely and then suddenly throwing it all away.

 

You're not really dumping yourself, Star. You're not running away from problems in the way that he did. You're confronting things about yourself that need improvement, you're making those improvements and you're working to get back the positives in your life. It's great to hear you being so positive, and I hope it's an inspiration to anyone else who's going through something similar just now.

[Art_Critic]

That's fantastic news. It's never easy, and you get up days as well as down...but to recognise the importance of reconnecting with who you were and what your life was before Skiman, and to do it so quickly, can only serve you well in this. I love this part:

 

 

 

I love it except for one thing. I don't believe Skiman was right. I think he could have fought for the relationship and he could have put in effort to make changes instead of hemming and hawing vaguely and then suddenly throwing it all away.

 

You're not really dumping yourself, Star. You're not running away from problems in the way that he did. You're confronting things about yourself that need improvement, you're making those improvements and you're working to get back the positives in your life. It's great to hear you being so positive, and I hope it's an inspiration to anyone else who's going through something similar just now.

 

 

I love this post

 

^5 SG...

[allina]

Congratulations SG, I love it! Your post offers a lot of great advice, I hope people take it to heart. I'm glad that your friends have been amazing, you're a lucky girl.

[Star Gazer]

I don't believe Skiman was right. I think he could have fought for the relationship and he could have put in effort to make changes instead of hemming and hawing vaguely and then suddenly throwing it all away.

 

You're not really dumping yourself, Star. You're not running away from problems in the way that he did. You're confronting things about yourself that need improvement, you're making those improvements and you're working to get back the positives in your life.

 

You're so right, Tara.

 

He and I have such different responses: fight vs. flight.

 

When issues arise, I want to know what they are and work through them ("fight"). He chose to claim he 'tried' by throwing the towel ("flight").

 

I remember two different instances where I wanted to talk about something he was doing that was bothering me, and the response I got was, "Okay, Star." He stonewalled me and shut me out. He really doesn't know how to handle and resolve conflict.

 

And I am so hypersensitive to withdrawal or a sense of unease in a man, it usually causes me to become needy and nervous. I had NONE of those worries with him... I really was blindsided.

[hotgurl]

Congrats SG.

 

I am so happy you are getting you back. NA dlie SB I'll be your weight loss buddy too. I gained 15lb and after getting married and I need to lose it.

 

I know Skiman didn't ask you to give up you. But it happend in the relationship. So obviously it wasn't right for you.

 

You hav e uch a healthy attitude.

[anne1707]

Star

 

I am so glad you are feeling so much better and stronger. It can be hard at times in a serious, as good as live-in relationship, to maintain your true self and it must feel really good to be re-discovering the things you have missed. Having your friends around you plus doing things you enjoy will go a long way to help you in getting over this break-up.

[norajane]

My local girlfriends, who I basically ignored and abandoned as soon as I settled into a comfortable relationship, had every reason to ignore me in return. I mean, I really deserved it. I've had friends disappear on me when they got in a relationship, only to reappear as soon as it ended. That always irked me. But did my girlfriends turn their back on me? No. Farthest thing from it. They literally picked me up off the floor - constant communication/checking in on me, extending invitations, keeping me busy. I think they're just as excited to have me back in their lives, as I am thankful to still have them. And my long-distance girlfriends, such as two of my closest BFFs who live 2 and 8 hours away, spend countless time with me on the phone, or emailing, or texting me.

 

But really, I literally don't know what I would have done without each of my friends. I'm literally the luckiest girl in the world.

 

This is awesome. You are a lucky girl!

 

Treasure your friends, Star. They will always be there to help pick you up.

[donnamaybe]

Oh, I am so happy to read your thread! I just now saw it for the first time for some reason.

 

Yes, it is easy to lose ourselves like this. Aren't friends wonderful? I'm so glad they are there for you.

 

ROCK ON STAR!!!!!

[Star Gazer]

I put on a pair of my favorite jeans today (that I didn't fit into around January), to see how far I have to go to fit into them.

 

I was shocked, that they actually fit! Now, I'm not wearing them with a tight top or anything, but the fact is... they fit! They should be looser in the legs, but that'll come with time.

 

Granted, I haven't tried them on in a LONG time, and I did start dieting before Kauai, so who knows when this particular change occurred. Or maybe when I was unhappy, I thought I looked terrible in them, even though they fit?

 

In any event, 'twas a good morning, zipping these babies up.

 

[softheart]

Amazing!

 

Work it out girl. Awesome that you can see the things that you did wrong in the relationsihp and fix it. You picked yourself up and continued on. No sob story there! Isn't it great to find yourself again? And than to think how could I have ever lost that person but we all do it. Its great to love yourself again!

 

Very inspirational!

[whichwayisup]

Oh trust me, I'm still having moments of weakness. The spontaneous crying isn fun...

 

Oh ofcourse, sorry I didn't mean to imply that you're fine and dandy now, raring to go.. I meant, you are handling this much better than I would. That's why I think you're strong! Also your thought process and healthy attitude..

[sunshinegirl]

Star, I have only just caught up on your threads -- WHOA -- I am so sorry at this turn of events!

 

While an unexpected breakup is a *horrible* thing to go through, you sound like you are doing AMAZING -- kudos for your strength and positive attitude!

 

(I have never handled a breakup so maturely...!)

 

(((hugs)))

 

SSG

[Star Gazer]

Star, I have only just caught up on your threads -- WHOA -- I am so sorry at this turn of events!

 

While an unexpected breakup is a *horrible* thing to go through, you sound like you are doing AMAZING -- kudos for your strength and positive attitude!

 

(I have never handled a breakup so maturely...!)

 

(((hugs)))

 

SSG

 

I went back and read some of your old threads. There are SO many similarities between our relationships (mine and the one you had before your now-fiance). I want to talk to you about it more, when we can.

 

I'm not sure I've handled this as well as I could have. I have definitely had moments of weakness... I just miss him so much. I miss what we had before I lost myself...

[Star Gazer]

So, I had dinner with a friend last night. It felt really good, as I've really missed this particular friend. As I mentioned before, I had pretty much stopped accepting invitations to spend time with BF, and inevitably just stopped getting those invitations because my friends knew what my response was going to be. As such, in the 6 months or so before the break-up, dinner and/or cocktails with a girlfriend or group of friends had become a rare occurrence.

 

When I reached out to her yesterday to see if she wanted to get together sometime over the weekend, she jumped at the chance. She was SO happy to see me, although under less than happy circumstances. I explained the very shortened version of our breakup, and how I was taking ownership of my "fault" in the relationship (allowing myself to become unhappy, and taking it out on him) and what steps I'm taking to reclaim and rediscover myself.

 

Now see, I have never done that before (lost myself/let myself go), and never in a million years thought I ever would. It shocked my friend as well, because our personalities are so similar, as are our SO's... and she's able to have "me time" without any trouble. She asked some questions to try to help me figure out why I had let everything go. Important to note was that she said that she had always felt (on the outside, looking in to my relationship) that Skiman had kept me from doing things that I loved - either on my own, or with friends. This was probably because every time she invited me to do something, whether for yoga or happy hour cocktails, my response was something lame, like, "Can't...Skiman is marinating chicken."

 

OMG, how lame was I!?!?

 

Anyway, I had to make it clear to her that he never ever asked or suggested that I give anything up, that doing so was all of my own doing. But I have to admit that those choices were based on some weird form of guilt I built up. In my mind, I thought if I focused on myself, if I put myself first, that I was being selfish and taking away from the relationship. In retrospect, I see how wrong that train of thinking is.

 

But, as much as Skiman never discouraged me, I did feel guilty not spending ALL of my spare time with him in some capacity. For example, I'd have a bi-monthly charity meeting mid-week (which would go until around 9 or 9:30 p.m.), and when I'd remind him of my plans for the evening, he'd say, "Okay, hurry home!" Or if I was working out in our workout room upstairs after work, he'd come in during my workout, "Just to chat, to see how much longer it would be, so he could know when to start making our dinner."

 

These are just examples. I found his comments and actions like this endearing (a sort of, "Awwww, my babe misses me!! :love:"), but in time, these comments (and others) made me feel like I was abandoning him or making his life inconvenient or something. Skiman isn't the most social person in the world, and really is a homebody. It's actually something I like about him, that he's so laid back and easy going and can enjoy his own company and peace and quiet.

 

But deep down, I felt guilty for doing my things and leaving him alone on the couch. So over time, I wound up giving up up my stuff, to join him and sit with him on the couch. Literally, all of my free time was spent with him... 80% of the time on the couch (the other 20% spent skiing!). Even when I was here on LS at night, he was on the couch right next to me.

 

We were basically attached at the hip. In the days before our breakup, we got an evite to a BBQ, and he even responded with something like, "I'll have to check with my social coordinator." Now, I NEVER controlled his plans, but it spoke to the fact that we were never apart... and not in a good way.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, my friend didn't even bother telling her husband that she was meeting me for dinner/drinks, because they just do their own thing for the most part. Now, I can't imagine just going about my day and evening and not filling Skiman in on what I was up to/when I'd be home, but I certainly could have EASILY made time for myself, for my friends, etc.

 

And in retrospect, I am fairly certain Skiman would have been perfectly fine with the occasional lonely night on the couch, even enjoyed it perhaps. I would have been too, if he left the house without me. Our separate time would have made our together time that much more special.

 

So, that's another lesson learned. One I won't forget the next time around.

[2sunny]

So, I had dinner with a friend last night. It felt really good, as I've really missed this particular friend. As I mentioned before, I had pretty much stopped accepting invitations to spend time with BF, and inevitably just stopped getting those invitations because my friends knew what my response was going to be. As such, in the 6 months or so before the break-up, dinner and/or cocktails with a girlfriend or group of friends had become a rare occurrence.

 

When I reached out to her yesterday to see if she wanted to get together sometime over the weekend, she jumped at the chance. She was SO happy to see me, although under less than happy circumstances. I explained the very shortened version of our breakup, and how I was taking ownership of my "fault" in the relationship (allowing myself to become unhappy, and taking it out on him) and what steps I'm taking to reclaim and rediscover myself.

 

Now see, I have never done that before (lost myself/let myself go), and never in a million years thought I ever would. It shocked my friend as well, because our personalities are so similar, as are our SO's... and she's able to have "me time" without any trouble. She asked some questions to try to help me figure out why I had let everything go. Important to note was that she said that she had always felt (on the outside, looking in to my relationship) that Skiman had kept me from doing things that I loved - either on my own, or with friends. This was probably because every time she invited me to do something, whether for yoga or happy hour cocktails, my response was something lame, like, "Can't...Skiman is marinating chicken."

 

OMG, how lame was I!?!?

 

Anyway, I had to make it clear to her that he never ever asked or suggested that I give anything up, that doing so was all of my own doing. But I have to admit that those choices were based on some weird form of guilt I built up. In my mind, I thought if I focused on myself, if I put myself first, that I was being selfish and taking away from the relationship. In retrospect, I see how wrong that train of thinking is.

 

But, as much as Skiman never discouraged me, I did feel guilty not spending ALL of my spare time with him in some capacity. For example, I'd have a bi-monthly charity meeting mid-week (which would go until around 9 or 9:30 p.m.), and when I'd remind him of my plans for the evening, he'd say, "Okay, hurry home!" Or if I was working out in our workout room upstairs after work, he'd come in during my workout, "Just to chat, to see how much longer it would be, so he could know when to start making our dinner."

 

These are just examples. I found his comments and actions like this endearing (a sort of, "Awwww, my babe misses me!! :love:"), but in time, these comments (and others) made me feel like I was abandoning him or making his life inconvenient or something. Skiman isn't the most social person in the world, and really is a homebody. It's actually something I like about him, that he's so laid back and easy going and can enjoy his own company and peace and quiet.

 

But deep down, I felt guilty for doing my things and leaving him alone on the couch. So over time, I wound up giving up up my stuff, to join him and sit with him on the couch. Literally, all of my free time was spent with him... 80% of the time on the couch (the other 20% spent skiing!). Even when I was here on LS at night, he was on the couch right next to me.

 

We were basically attached at the hip. In the days before our breakup, we got an evite to a BBQ, and he even responded with something like, "I'll have to check with my social coordinator." Now, I NEVER controlled his plans, but it spoke to the fact that we were never apart... and not in a good way.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, my friend didn't even bother telling her husband that she was meeting me for dinner/drinks, because they just do their own thing for the most part. Now, I can't imagine just going about my day and evening and not filling Skiman in on what I was up to/when I'd be home, but I certainly could have EASILY made time for myself, for my friends, etc.

 

And in retrospect, I am fairly certain Skiman would have been perfectly fine with the occasional lonely night on the couch, even enjoyed it perhaps. I would have been too, if he left the house without me. Our separate time would have made our together time that much more special.

 

So, that's another lesson learned. One I won't forget the next time around.

 

good balance is very healthy SG... balance between work, friends, working out, boyfriend, hobbies... a healthy man would be out there doing the same thing... living his life and then getting together when you are both free to enjoy each other.

 

sitting on the sofa every night letting the time pass is NOT living.

[Star Gazer]

good balance is very healthy SG... balance between work, friends, working out, boyfriend, hobbies... a healthy man would be out there doing the same thing... living his life and then getting together when you are both free to enjoy each other.

 

sitting on the sofa every night letting the time pass is NOT living.

 

I can see your point, but from my eyes, he does have his own life. The couch was just during the work-week. He basically lives for the weekends - to ski (December through May), or hike (June through September), or garden (year round), or BBQ (year round) with friends. Thing is, I did all of those things with him. Then again, during the week he also took time to exercise (run) every day, or spend time with family...it wasn't ALL couch time.

 

Even as much of a homebody as he is, he still maintained "his" things. I just gave mine up to take on his... if that makes sense.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

There is this guru, Geshe Michael Roach, who found a girlfriend whom he thought it was his soulmate and decided to be with her no more than 15 feet apart:

 

"She came to him as a student, but their relationship quickly blossomed into much more. The two became spiritual partners, vowing never to be more than 15 feet apart. They spent three years, from 2000 to 2003, living together in an Arizona yurt on a silent retreat..."

 

I thought that was so cool and romantic. She said he'd get up in the night and she had to get up and follow him.

 

(But she broke up with him ).

 

I think that what you did is pretty normal.. When people are single is when they want to go to painting classes on the weekends or tennis to socialize and have a life, or get in shape to be attractive.

 

But I'm glad to hear that you are in good spirits and enthusiastic about the change. It's a good season to do it too coming Summer.

[Hot Carl]

I'm never going to let this happen again.

"Never" is a bit of an absolute. You know... "never say never". But you let it happen because it's in your personality to be that way. It's great that you can go back and rebuild the independent you now that you have no one to depend on. But what happens when the complacency of a secure relationship sets in again? How are you going to hang onto yourself then? You'll be tempted to settle in and let the relationship control your life again.

 

Maybe "never" is what you want to happen, but making the changes you're talking about right now is not enough to ensure it.