I'm never going to let this happen again.

[D-Lish]

"Never" is a bit of an absolute. You know... "never say never". But you let it happen because it's in your personality to be that way. It's great that you can go back and rebuild the independent you now that you have no one to depend on. But what happens when the complacency of a secure relationship sets in again? How are you going to hang onto yourself then? You'll be tempted to settle in and let the relationship control your life again.

 

Maybe "never" is what you want to happen, but making the changes you're talking about right now is not enough to ensure it.

 

I think you can learn from it.

 

I've been in relationships where I have felt that I loved someone so much that I lost myself in their life and ignored my own. It never felt right, but I know I went along with it and justified it at the time.

 

It's a common mistake many of us make. We all have the capacity to live and learn.

 

If it's a pattern of losing yourself in someone else over and over, it's a problem. If it's a pattern of never learning from your mistakes, it's a problem. If it's a matter of recognizing what went wrong and making the adjustments to derail a negative pattern- it's a step in the right direction.

 

It's all about moving forward in the most positive way possible. Star is more than capable of doing that, and she's demonstrating as much by how she is framing the break up, and by how she is dealing with it.

[Hot Carl]

I think the smart thing would be for Star to be a little skeptical of herself. She has a pattern she has yet to prove she can break. She could slip back into it, or she could also become too independent and unreachable. While what she's working on is a problem, I think it could easily not be the problem she really needs to work on. In other words she could easily be throwing treatments at the symptom, and not at the disease.

 

It's important to learn the right lesson, and the most interesting part is not the changes she's making now. The most interesting part is why did it go down that way in the first place?

 

This revelation was made in the midst of a storm of self-blame for the breakup. It's the only thing she seems to be working on. It wouldn't hurt to step back and look at the bigger picture. I think the claim that she has it all figured out once and for all should be challenged as much as she should be encouraged for making positive changes.

Edited June 20, 2010 by Hot Carl

[florence of suburbia]

Before getting too caught up in thinking and analyzing lessons learned, don't forget to let yourself feel sad and grieve the loss.

[D-Lish]

I think the smart thing would be for Star to be a little skeptical of herself. She has a pattern she has yet to prove she can break. She could slip back into it, or she could also become too independent and unreachable. While what she's working on is a problem, I think it could easily not be the problem she really needs to work on. In other words she could easily be throwing treatments at the symptom, and not at the disease.

 

It's important to learn the right lesson, and the most interesting part is not the changes she's making now. The most interesting part is why did it go down that way in the first place?

 

This revelation was made in the midst of a storm of self-blame for the breakup. It's the only thing she seems to be working on. It wouldn't hurt to step back and look at the bigger picture. I think the claim that she has it all figured out once and for all should be challenged as much as she should be encouraged for making positive changes.

 

I agree HC. But Star has been pretty introspective...

 

I might be missing some puzzle pieces, as I don't know much about former break ups, so as to discern a pattern.

 

The changes she is wanting to make now are important though- and shouldn't be disregarded. It's all about the now.

 

During a break up you need a balance of tough love, reality, and compassion. Some people smashed her when she was down in her last thread, and that made me angry.

 

We never really have it all figured out- none of us do. It's about working it out however we can.

[Star Gazer]

I think the smart thing would be for Star to be a little skeptical of herself. She has a pattern she has yet to prove she can break. She could slip back into it, or she could also become too independent and unreachable. While what she's working on is a problem, I think it could easily not be the problem she really needs to work on. In other words she could easily be throwing treatments at the symptom, and not at the disease.

 

I have a pattern of losing myself in my relationships? Or of stopping exercising and gaining weight? Can you explain what you mean?

 

Because I know what my patterns have been in the past (at least those where I wound up hurt anyway): Star picks not-so-nice/emotionally unavailable guy, Star really likes guy, guy proves himself to be not-so-nice and/or emotionally unavailable, Star senses withdrawal by guy, Star gets anxious, Star gets clingy, guy disappears, Star's left wondering why.

 

None of that existed here. That's why I was so... shocked. I had not one tiny itty bitty sense of any of my relationship history. It was all... so easy. Easy breezy. I was SO CONFIDENT of our future, whereas with all others, all I had was hope.

 

I did contact my college/law school ex, who I hadn't spoken to in 8 years, because I saw some similarities between the way our relationships ended. I asked him to give it to me straight. I fully expected him to say a lot of the things Skiman did (i.e., all my fault)... but alas, when he wrote back to me, I saw that they were very different. Great thing about that though, was that I finally got closure from a relationship that ended horribly 8+ years ago. It took a lot of weight off my shoulders.

 

It's important to learn the right lesson, and the most interesting part is not the changes she's making now. The most interesting part is why did it go down that way in the first place?

 

You don't think the changes I'm making are important?

 

As for the "why," we already know why. Because I let it. Because at the beginning, in the true honeymoon stage, I chose him over my friends and hobbies and my exercise routine, and never got back to those things once things settled down, and it just snowballed from there. Because I was content to be swallowed by his perfect, easy breezy world. Because I felt like if I focused on myself, that would be selfish, and I felt guilty. Because I put him first, before myself.

 

This revelation was made in the midst of a storm of self-blame for the breakup. It's the only thing she seems to be working on. It wouldn't hurt to step back and look at the bigger picture. I think the claim that she has it all figured out once and for all should be challenged as much as she should be encouraged for making positive changes.

 

This revelation was made because I really had no choice but to take a serious look at myself, and why I was unhappy and behaving the way I was - to his detriment. He was basically telling me it was all on me, so I had no choice but to take a step back and question, "What did I do?" and figure it out. Why did I take on that task and responsibility? Because for one, I can't change or control anything he did or didn't do, only my own actions. And more importantly, because this has been, by far, the most important, significant, life changing relationship and breakup of my entire life, and he has been, by far, the most important man in my life. If I effed it up, then g-d dammit I better figure out the how and why, to make sure it never happens again - either with him, or anyone else. Because honestly, I don't think I can handle the pain I've been going through again, particularly knowing it was largely my fault.

 

In essence, I'm learning from my mistakes in this relationship. I'm disappointed that you don't think that's possible. But I don't have to prove you wrong. I only have to prove ME right, and only to myself.

 

But I'm really confused by the bolded statement above... The only thing I seem to me working on? As in reconnecting with friends, getting back into my hobbies, exercising every day? In short, getting the ME back that was the happy, confident, exuberant, active, thriving ME?

 

What other things do you think I should be working on? I realize I'm not the only person in the relationship, and that it takes two to tango. But beyond accepting that I lost myself in the relationship, gained weight to the point I felt unattractive, made him responsible for my happiness, became unhappy as a result of all of this, and took out all of my frustration with myself on him... what else should I be working on? Isn't that a lot to work on as it is??

 

Seems like you've done a complete 180 on me since the last thread, HC. I really hope this thread doesn't unravel the way the last one did. Please.

[sb129]

AND alot of it is working things out as we go along.

 

Star isn't about to jump into another R any time soon- working on herself is entirely within her control, and its going to make her healthier for when the next one does come along. (and it will).

 

IF similar things start to happen, the benefit of all this introspection is that she should be able to catch it earlier, OR be gently reminded by all the people she has discussed her situation with.

 

She will be in a much better space to both recognise and deal with potential problems in the next R.

[Star Gazer]

Before getting too caught up in thinking and analyzing lessons learned, don't forget to let yourself feel sad and grieve the loss.

 

Trust me, I'm spending plenty of time doing that too.

[anne1707]

This revelation was made in the midst of a storm of self-blame for the breakup. It's the only thing she seems to be working on. It wouldn't hurt to step back and look at the bigger picture. I think the claim that she has it all figured out once and for all should be challenged as much as she should be encouraged for making positive changes.

 

The self-blame is a natural part of the break-up - I am sure we have all done it to varying extents. Star has recognised things that went wrong in the relationship and quite righly does not want to make the same mistakes again. Yes, this is what she is working on right now but what is wrong with that? She temporarily lost sight of her "me time" with friends and activities she likes and she should be recapturing that - it will also give her the strength she needs to get through the bad days she still has to come.

 

I have never seen in any of Star's posts the suggestion that she has it all figured out - the fact that she has contacted an ex from years ago shows that she is still very much trying to understand what has happened. Of course nobody will never fully understand - after all, part of the equation is Skiman and how he acted and why (e.g. was he trying to "guilt" her into finishing her workouts sooner or was he just simply planning dinner).

 

None of us are perfect and each relationship will be different depending on the personalities but it just seems to me that Star has learnt something important here about where she is and is not prepared to compromise in the future. A tough lesson but one I think she is handling well.

[Ariadne]

Star has recognised things that went wrong in the relationship and quite righly does not want to make the same mistakes again....She temporarily lost sight of her "me time" with friends and activities she likes!

 

Ah, that's what it was..

 

I'd say that the guy realized that they just didn't love each other and didn't want to make it more serious.

 

I really don't think SG made any mistakes. She was just being herself and feeling comfortable settled down at home.

[anne1707]

I'd say that the guy realized that they just didn't love each other and didn't want to make it more serious.

.

 

How exactly did you come to that conclusion? :confused:

[Star Gazer]

The self-blame is a natural part of the break-up - I am sure we have all done it to varying extents. Star has recognised things that went wrong in the relationship and quite righly does not want to make the same mistakes again. Yes, this is what she is working on right now but what is wrong with that? She temporarily lost sight of her "me time" with friends and activities she likes and she should be recapturing that - it will also give her the strength she needs to get through the bad days she still has to come.

 

I have never seen in any of Star's posts the suggestion that she has it all figured out - the fact that she has contacted an ex from years ago shows that she is still very much trying to understand what has happened. Of course nobody will never fully understand - after all, part of the equation is Skiman and how he acted and why (e.g. was he trying to "guilt" her into finishing her workouts sooner or was he just simply planning dinner).

 

None of us are perfect and each relationship will be different depending on the personalities but it just seems to me that Star has learned something important here about where she is and is not prepared to compromise in the future. A tough lesson but one I think she is handling well.

 

Perhaps it's just semantics, but I'd prefer to think I'm accepting ownership of what I did/didn't do to hurt the relationship, rather than blaming myself.

 

I mean, he's not perfect, and had a major issue as well: a complete failure to communicate to resolve any level of conflict. He just went with the flow, building resentments, thinking THAT was easier than putting us both through this horrible time. Hopefully, he's really owning up to that too, and seeing how much damage he did to the relationship because of it.

 

I'd say that the guy realized that they just didn't love each other and didn't want to make it more serious.

 

I really don't think SG made any mistakes. She was just being herself and feeling comfortable settled down at home.

 

No, he definitely loved me. He may not have been ready for marriage (particularly with the me that was a shell of who I once was), but I know he loved me. You don't do and say the things he did if you don't love the person.

 

And I did make mistakes... plenty of them.

[norajane]

Because I know what my patterns have been in the past (at least those where I wound up hurt anyway): Star picks not-so-nice/emotionally unavailable guy, Star really likes guy, guy proves himself to be not-so-nice and/or emotionally unavailable, Star senses withdrawal by guy, Star gets anxious, Star gets clingy, guy disappears, Star's left wondering why.

 

None of that existed here. That's why I was so... shocked. I had not one tiny itty bitty sense of any of my relationship history. It was all... so easy. Easy breezy. I was SO CONFIDENT of our future, whereas with all others, all I had was hope.

 

Those might be two sides to the same coin.

 

Clingy based on fear of losing him, and wanting to hold on to him. And then the other side is allowing yourself to become consumed in his life once you do have him, another form of clingy.

 

As for the "why," we already know why. Because I let it. Because at the beginning, in the true honeymoon stage, I chose him over my friends and hobbies and my exercise routine, and never got back to those things once things settled down, and it just snowballed from there. Because I was content to be swallowed by his perfect, easy breezy world. Because I felt like if I focused on myself, that would be selfish, and I felt guilty. Because I put him first, before myself.

You're getting closer to the "why" in your last sentence - you put him first. In both cases - clinging because of the fear of losing him, and the clinging by becoming consumed in his life - you put him first, and yourself and your needs second.

 

WHY you do that is, I think, what HC is referring to as being the interesting question and answer. What leads you to put guys first, and yourself second? Figure that out and you'll probably learn someething important about yourself that will help you break that cycle. It will help you ask the questions, "am I getting what I need and want here? maybe I should leave him because I am not getting what I want, and I am not interested in keeping him because he's not meeting my needs" instead of focusing on him and keeping him and having him.

 

I often do this, too. I spend so much energy focused on him that I fail to reflect on whether he's really right for ME.

[Els]

Star, I've followed your past few threads, and there's something I'm really wondering.

 

Why is it always necessary to restrain oneself from getting too wrapped up in a relationship, when that is our natural tendency? Does that not go against the flow of love (as long as one party isn't pressuring the other into giving up activities he/she likes to be with them)?

[Ariadne]

What leads you to put guys first, and yourself second? Figure that out and you'll probably learn someething important about yourself that will help you break that cycle...I should leave him because I am not getting what I want

 

But she was getting what she wanted...

 

That's why she got settled and didn't care about the other stuff. She felt all was good in the world staying together, like most couples do.

 

I don't think "that's" why they broke up, maybe if SG was out of his face more and didn't have the lease problem it'd have lasted a little more.

[norajane]

But she was getting what she wanted...

 

That's why she got settled and didn't care about the other stuff. She felt all was good in the world staying together, like most couples do.

 

I don't think "that's" why they broke up, maybe if SG was out of his face more and didn't have the lease problem it'd have lasted a little more.

 

Star can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not convinced she was getting what she wanted, and definitely not what she needed. She may have felt she was more in this relationship than in past relationships. But, she didn't have a man who could or would limit his drinking, which she did want. And that's a huge issue. She gained weight, and that did make her uncomfortable and that's not what she wanted. Feeling guilty and selfish if she put herself first doesn't sound like something she would want or would be content with.

 

However, my point is, did she even take a breath and seriously think about what she wanted and whether her needs were being met? Or did she just focus on him and his needs? Why did it take her only until after the break-up to realize she hadn't seen her friends in ages, these people who are so warm and welcoming to her? Surely, if she had stopped to think about herself and her needs, she would have noticed she had no one except him left in her life.

[Ariadne]

Star can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not convinced she was getting what she wanted, and definitely not what she needed. She may have felt she was more in this relationship than in past relationships. But, she didn't have a man who could or would limit his drinking, which she did want. And that's a huge issue. She gained weight, and that did make her uncomfortable and that's not what she wanted. Feeling guilty and selfish if she put herself first doesn't sound like something she would want or would be content with.

 

However, my point is, did she even take a breath and seriously think about what she wanted and whether her needs were being met? Or did she just focus on him and his needs? Why did it take her only until after the break-up to realize she hadn't seen her friends in ages, these people who are so warm and welcoming to her? Surely, if she had stopped to think about herself and her needs, she would have noticed she had no one except him left in her life.

 

Well, the guy had a bit of a drinking problem, and in that sense she wasn't getting what she wanted.

 

But then, that is a problem that she had with his character. She did assert herself and that precipitated the breakup.

 

And yes, she may have felt a little overweight, but not enough to go to the gym and start doing something about it, at least it wasn't so bad I suppose or she would have gone.

 

I guess she felt she was still getting her exercise from skiing at some point.

[Green]

Want me to come in and warn you next time I spot you losing urself... I saw all of this comming.... sorta... well it could of only gone two ways.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I really respect the way you're handling this breakup, Star. I was out of town for the weekend and so am very happy to come back and see that you started a new thread. I know that obviously there will be a lot of crying and a lot of sadness, but it's awesome that you have the ability to exercise, meet with friends, etc after your breakup. I look at the way I have handled breakups in the past, and it's awful! I always left the other person alone, cut ties, etc but I was so hard on myself and became inconsolable. Always wanted to wallow in my own misery. So great to read that you are getting yourself back on the right track!!

[sunshinegirl]

I went back and read some of your old threads. There are SO many similarities between our relationships (mine and the one you had before your now-fiance). I want to talk to you about it more, when we can.

 

I'm not sure I've handled this as well as I could have. I have definitely had moments of weakness... I just miss him so much. I miss what we had before I lost myself...

 

Feel free to PM me.

[Star Gazer]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

[Star Gazer]

I've officially reached the anger stage. I'm not sure what stage is next, but I hope it's peace.

[anne1707]

He's also made a fool of himself by his inability to deal with issues in a mature and responsible way.

 

And you know you will recover in time but for now you have to deal with all this mess. If you just "bounced back" to normal life then that would be far more worrying.

 

Looking good and enjoying yourself? Go girl, go!

[sb129]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

 

He has made a fool out of HIMSELF.

 

Anyone that thinks YOU are a fool isn't going to be in your life from now on anyway.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

 

EXACTLY. You are thinking more clearly now.

[Art_Critic]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

 

......

 

Time is how you recover SG.. well.. and looking damn good while recovering.