I'm never going to let this happen again.

[sb129]

SG-

 

I remember AGES ago you making threads about Skimans drinking and wondering what was normal.

 

There is NO WAY "you made him drink".... that personality characteristic was there long before you.

 

If it hadn't have been, others would have noticed. And they didn't- your breakup was as much of a surprise to his family and friends as it was to you.

 

But right now, my heart and my head aren't speaking the same language

Aw. Thats such a lovely way to put it. And they will, eventually.

 

Remember his ugly polyester shirt? And Fox TV? Don't forget all the annoying things that he did....

[Star Gazer]

SG-

 

I remember AGES ago you making threads about Skimans drinking and wondering what was normal.

 

I didn't actually start threads about HIS drinking. Although he was definitely what caused me to start the thread, it was actually just about drinking in general. I wasn't ready to publicly acknowledge that his drinking might be causing us a problem. You remember me talking about his drinking, because I asked you about it personally. Remember?

 

And they didn't- your breakup was as much of a surprise to his family and friends as it was to you.

 

No kidding. It's getting old having to explain a delicate version to everyone who asks. It sucks to repeat, "He fell out of love with me, and that hurts. So now I'm working on myself," knowing that there's more to the story than meets the eye.

 

But I keep it private. I don't want to betray his trust.

 

Remember his ugly polyester shirt? Don't forget all the annoying things that he did....

 

Funny how feelings change. The things that annoyed me, actually endeared him to me. They made him who he was. I loved every bit of him, even the annoying parts.

 

And I saw that damn shirt in the closet when I was moving out, and I almost took it with me... I wanted a piece of him.

[Star Gazer]

Another thing, SB... and you know this.

 

I never would have left him. Ever. He would have never cheated on me, or abused me, or stolen from me. Everything else we could have worked on, together, as a team... IF ONLY he'd allowed it. IF ONLY he'd tried. IF ONLY our relationship mattered enough to him.

 

It didn't. THAT is what's killing me. He thinks he chose the harder route (ending a relationship that wasn't working for him), but in reality, he chose the path of least resistance.

 

The harder, but more rewarding route, would have been to work as a team, and work through any conflicts or issues either one of us had. I believed there was enough love there to fuel that effort. I still do.

[Hot Carl]

And I saw that damn shirt in the closet when I was moving out, and I almost took it with me... I wanted a piece of him.

 

The last thing you need is another felony on your record, Star.

[Star Gazer]

The last thing you need is another felony on your record, Star.

 

Thanks for the laugh.

[D-Lish]

Thank you so much for your post, D. I'll definitely be referring to it as time passes.

 

 

Thing is, he told me that he's been unhappy for a long time (since around after New Year's), and that he was drinking to excess to push me away, because he was too much of a coward to break up with me. He wanted me to do it. That's code for, "You made me drink." This makes me feel like everytime I came home to find him intoxicated, he was intoxicated because he was self-medicating at the very thought of me coming home to him (despite meeting me at the door with a hug and kiss every single day). That kills me.

 

Also, last week, he made a point of telling me that he's spending his time in his "big quiet" house "running, eating healthy, and not drinking." I went over to his house recently to get more stuff (knowing he wouldn't be there), and there was virtually no wine/beer/gin in the house - it was noticeably absent. It's like he literally stopped drinking and wants me to know this. Now that I'm gone, he has no urge to drink? This adds to my feelings of, "It's all my fault."

 

 

That's super crappy of him, and yet another example of him not taking responsibility! That's all on him.

 

He was drinking long before you came along. I still stick to the notion that after meeting you, being faced with the big "C', he thought he could overcome the struggle of his drinking because he was so head over heels for you. I actually believe he might have relied on your love to "cure" him. When that didn't happen naturally, he saw the relationship as deficient, instead of blaming HIMSELF. Why? Because it's easier to blame someone else (anything else) when you're an alcoholic.

 

He didn't get intoxicated because your relationship stressed him out, he got intoxicated because that was/is his vice and he wanted to do it. Had he been single the past couple of years, he'd still be loaded every Saturday afternoon for a "different" reason ; any reason.

 

I imagine he's hammered right now- his justification is probably the break up!

 

Shame on him for insinuating you had something to do with his increased drinking in the final stages of the relationship.

 

I think he started to see that being with you meant a choice between being a responsible partner or being an alcoholic. That's the choice that caused him to resent the relationship. All of a sudden it's "your" fault- when in reality, he's got a major problem HE needs to face.

Edited June 24, 2010 by D-Lish

[Star Gazer]

Thanks again, D.

 

I imagine he's hammered right now- his justification is probably the break up!

 

Shame on him for insinuating you had something to do with his increased drinking in the final stages of the relationship.

 

He actually made a point of telling me he's spending his time "running, eating healthy, and not drinking." (Weird, because I'm not drinking, nor do I have a problem, and it wouldn't occur to me to point out that I'm NOT doing it.)

 

Then, when I went to his house last weekend to pick up the second bit of most of my stuff, I noticed there was NO wine/beer/gin in the house. (Well, there were some special occasion bottles, but his stock was noticeably absent.)

 

It seemed like he was trying to tell me, "See, I don't have a problem. You were why I drank."

 

I felt so loved in the relationship... and now it all feels like it was a lie. Every single thing. It's crushing me.

[Star Gazer]

I just remembered that I recently put him down as my "emergency contact person." THAT's how much I believed in us and our future.

 

Was I completely delusional? Or was I deceived?

[sb129]

I didn't actually start threads about HIS drinking. Although he was definitely what caused me to start the thread, it was actually just about drinking in general. I wasn't ready to publicly acknowledge that his drinking might be causing us a problem. You remember me talking about his drinking, because I asked you about it personally. Remember?

 

Oh, yes I do. I'm sorry- I got confused between PM and threads, because I knew we had discussed it before.

 

Sorry for bringing up something we had discussed privately.

 

No, you weren't delusional- you believed in something that ended up being a deception.

 

HE was the one who was creating the deception.

[Star Gazer]

No worries, SB. You and I talk a lot outside of LS so it's easy to get things confused. I was just clarifying.

[Star Gazer]

Did your ex require you to give up those things or did you just do so because of the intensity of the relationship and your desire to devote all that energy to it?

 

I've been thinking a lot about this.

 

I think he made it clear, in his own way, that if I didn't meld into his world, then we wouldn't be in a relationship. He showed no interest in my world.

 

For example, I remember when we first started dating, he said something like, "My exes have all had a problem with how much time I spend skiing, because I'm literally gone skiing pretty much every weekend."

 

To me, that translated into: "You either can't have a problem with it, or you need to join in." So I joined in. Joining in required me to go skiing literally every single weekend unless HE had something keeping him from skiing that weekend (like a road race). And by being gone every weekend, that left me no weekend time for things I liked/wanted to do.

 

There was no sense of compromising, or working that out. He was just...gone.

[Star Gazer]

Im never letting this bull**** happen again either

 

You seem very angry...

[Star Gazer]

Angry? What on Earth would I have to be angry about?

 

The fact that my fiancee of 4 years & friend of 12 years ****ING LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER MAN YET AGAIN???????????????????????????????????

 

ANGRY???????????????////////////////////////////////////

 

 

YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111

 

I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS ANGRY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111

 

 

WHY???????????????/////////////////////////////////////////

 

"Again"? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

 

That said, please start your own thread if you want to discuss your situation. I'm trying to keep my thread free of this sort of anger.

[D-Lish]

Thanks again, D.

 

He actually made a point of telling me he's spending his time "running, eating healthy, and not drinking." (Weird, because I'm not drinking, nor do I have a problem, and it wouldn't occur to me to point out that I'm NOT doing it.)

 

Then, when I went to his house last weekend to pick up the second bit of most of my stuff, I noticed there was NO wine/beer/gin in the house. (Well, there were some special occasion bottles, but his stock was noticeably absent.)

 

It seemed like he was trying to tell me, "See, I don't have a problem. You were why I drank."

 

I felt so loved in the relationship... and now it all feels like it was a lie. Every single thing. It's crushing me.

 

Did he know you were coming over???

 

When I was back at my parents place after selling my loft- my parents lived in the US, so they only came home once every couple months or so. Before they came home I would gather my empty beer bottles and take them to the beer store! It's all a part of the denial.

 

Remember, drinking is something an alcholic is ashamed of. I have no doubt he staged things for your benefit.

 

Very few of us quit cold turkey like he is trying to present to you.

 

I still think it's crappy that he blamed you for drinking- because you have to know that isn't true.

 

I think he staged his place for your visit, I really do.

[Ariadne]

He actually made a point of telling me he's spending his time "running, eating healthy, and not drinking."

 

He probably wants to start with a clean slate. The new and improved him.

 

Kind of like you when you started running and joined that club.

 

Don't take it personally.

[anne1707]

I think he staged his place for your visit, I really do.

 

I agree - this could well be possible. I also remember how my mother would always have a well hidden supply of alcohol - keeping the problem "out of sight" to avoid direct confrontation.

[Star Gazer]

Did he know you were coming over???

 

Yes, he did. He was gone on a business trip, and knew I'd be going there back-and-forth while he was gone.