I'm never going to let this happen again.

[Star Gazer]

I still have to work through this, and will do so tomorrow in therapy.

 

But maybe I lost myself because I was so unhappy, not the other way around.

 

He says I had blinders on - but HE PUT THEM ON ME!! I wasn't making up our future in my head, or coming up with promises of forever on my own! He NEVER let on that he was unhappy, and he continued to make promises and lead me on for MONTHS after he'd already decided to check out. He just went along with everything so that he could "get through" our trip and his brother's wedding. Like, he led me on so he could have a date to the wedding?!?

 

I cannot believe how badly he led me on for his own benefit and ease for HIS life, without any regard for the consequences and how those lies would completely destroy me.

 

I mean, HOW do you do that to someone you used to love and care about, or have any respect for?

 

How will I ever trust again?

[girlygirl25]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

 

Maybe he tried, but because you were in love you didn't see it. I experienced that with an ex boyfriend. He tried to tell me I was being needy but I didn't see it and/or didn't want to. Finally he had enough and broke up with me. He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me. I think he just decided that it was too much and I didn't listen to his concerns so he started to fall out of love with me and didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I was angry but I got over it and found someone better. So it worked out best in the end.

[Ariadne]

I've officially reached the anger stage. I'm not sure what stage is next, but I hope it's peace.

 

Yeah, I mean, he made you feel all comfy at home, made you feel like his long term partner with all these plans... and then pulled the plug on you.

 

But then, it wasn't "that" long either. Too bad it didn't work.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe he tried, but because you were in love you didn't see it.

 

No, he didn't. It just doesn't vibe.

 

The day before the breakup, we ripped out and planted a new garden together.

2 days before the breakup, he purchased my plane ticket for an upcoming trip this month (which was last weekend).

3 days before the breakup, we picked out a new bed together, and I bought new bedding for it.

1 week before the breakup, he drove me to turn in my 30-day notice on my apartment, and had me book a mover.

2 weeks before the breakup, he teased that if he were to ask me to marry him the next day, that I could have the wedding planned quickly.

3 weeks before the breakip, he talked about how he'd go about finding the ring I wanted.

A month before the wedding, we were in Kauai, having what was for ME, the best trip of my life.

6 weeks before the breakup, he told me he thinks I'm "The One" and asked me to officially move in, and said I could expect a proposal within 6 months.

6 weeks and 1 day before the breakup, he talked about how he was going to get me a "big rock," and how he wanted our wedding to be (who'd be there, where it would be), and how he'd pay for all of it.

In the months before this, he repeatedly said how he was so happy with me, that we'd "won the lottery," that he was so thankful tha he'd found me, etc., etc., etc. We'd both say things like, "When we live happily ever after we should _____." We named our future children. We picked out the dog we wanted, and named it, and started looking for the breeder.

 

Now, during this same time period (above), he says he had "tried" to tell me that he was unhappy... SO UNHAPPY that he wanted to end the relationship.

 

How, exactly, does that compute? How, exactly, did I have blinders on to his level of unhappiness?

 

Nope. He led me on.

 

If he was unhappy since February, he had every opportunity to let me know... not to lead me down the path of the fantasy relationship that he did.

[girlygirl25]

Yeah, I mean, he made you feel all comfy at home, made you feel like his long term partner with all these plans... and then pulled the plug on you.

 

But then, it wasn't "that" long either. Too bad it didn't work.

 

Yeah, men do that though. It's mean and rude but that just means that it wasn't the right relationship.

 

In my opinion, when it's the RIGHT man, he won't leave.

[girlygirl25]

No, he didn't. It just doesn't vibe.

 

The day before the breakup, we ripped out and planted a new garden together.

2 days before the breakup, he purchased my plane ticket for an upcoming trip this month (which was last weekend).

3 days before the breakup, we picked out a new bed together, and I bought new bedding for it.

1 week before the breakup, he drove me to turn in my 30-day notice on my apartment, and had me book a mover.

2 weeks before the breakup, he teased that if he were to ask me to marry him the next day, that I could have the wedding planned quickly.

3 weeks before the breakip, he talked about how he'd go about finding the ring I wanted.

A month before the wedding, we were in Kauai, having what was for ME, the best trip of my life.

6 weeks before the breakup, he told me he thinks I'm "The One" and asked me to officially move in, and said I could expect a proposal within 6 months.

6 weeks and 1 day before the breakup, he talked about how he was going to get me a "big rock," and how he wanted our wedding to be (who'd be there, where it would be), and how he'd pay for all of it.

In the months before this, he repeatedly said how he was so happy with me, that we'd "won the lottery," that he was so thankful tha he'd found me, etc., etc., etc. We'd both say things like, "When we live happily ever after we should _____." We named our future children. We picked out the dog we wanted, and named it, and started looking for the breeder.

 

Now, during this same time period (above), he says he had "tried" to tell me that he was unhappy... SO UNHAPPY that he wanted to end the relationship.

 

How, exactly, does that compute? How, exactly, did I have blinders on to his level of unhappiness?

 

Nope. He led me on.

 

If he was unhappy since February, he had every opportunity to let me know... not to lead me down the path of the fantasy relationship that he did.

 

Yeah, that doesn't make sense. I had something similar happen to me with my ex. He said he wanted to marry me, ect. He said something made him snap and he realized that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He did lead me on I believe, but in the end it worked out for the best. I don't want to be with someone like that, and I found the love of my life who is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I'm SO glad he broke up with me, he wasn't half the man that I have now. I think it's normal to feel anger but you also need to realize that it wasn't the right relationship for you and let go of that resentment. It will eat you up inside, believe me.

 

Like I said, when it's the right man and he really truly loves you, then he won't leave even for a second.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

It really doesn't compute at all. I don't understand why someone would lead another on in such an extreme way. I think it's so terrible that someone who was unhappy would lead another on and talk about MARRIAGE to them of all things. It must be awful to try and wrap your mind around that. If he is being HONEST about the whole not being happy for months thing (which, I really don't know if he is. It seems as if he would have tried to pull away more or shown you some sign. The fact that he didn't is so odd.), then he basically has no balls whatsoever. He should have manned up and told you what he was feeling. His lack of communication skills is disconcerting and makes me doubt that even if you ended up together, he would have been able to make it for the long haul.

[Green]

It really doesn't compute at all. I don't understand why someone would lead another on in such an extreme way. I think it's so terrible that someone who was unhappy would lead another on and talk about MARRIAGE to them of all things. It must be awful to try and wrap your mind around that. If he is being HONEST about the whole not being happy for months thing (which, I really don't know if he is. It seems as if he would have tried to pull away more or shown you some sign. The fact that he didn't is so odd.), then he basically has no balls whatsoever. He should have manned up and told you what he was feeling. His lack of communication skills is disconcerting and makes me doubt that even if you ended up together, he would have been able to make it for the long haul.

 

I wonder how many PEOPLE can make it to the long haul. NOT MANY

[Star Gazer]

In my opinion, when it's the RIGHT man, he won't leave.

 

But how do you know if he's RIGHT, just because he's still there?

 

Do you never know if he's RIGHT, only if he's WRONG and leaves?

 

Because up until he uttered the words to explain he wanted out, I thought he WAS that RIGHT man who would never ever ever leave me.

 

I just don't know how I'll ever trust again. I really don't.

[girlygirl25]

His lack of communication skills is disconcerting and makes me doubt that even if you ended up together, he would have been able to make it for the long haul.

 

I was thinking the same thing..at least he did it now when you were dating, and not when you were engaged and planning a wedding or married!

 

Some guys just aren't marriage material and play games. It's unfortunate, but there are some good guys out there too. It stinks when you get involved with the wrong ones though. Getting away from the blame game will help a lot, I know it did for me.

[whichwayisup]

I've decided it's not all my fault.

 

If he was unhappy for so long, he should have effing said something. He didn't He says he tried, but he didn't.

 

And now, he's made a fool out of me, and our relationship. He led me on.

 

How I'll ever recover from that, I don't know. But I'm going to look damn good and have a hell of a good time getting there!

 

Ofcourse it's not all your fault. Not even close. He could have spoken up months ago, when he noticed that you were changing..Not doing the stuff you used to do. As a boyfriend who was saying he wanted to marry you, he should have been encouraging you to go out and visit your friends, do the things that you love, hobbies etc.. Instead, he chose to do nothing. Stay silent and be passive. Allowed resentments to build up until he finally exploded hense broke up with you.

 

I've officially reached the anger stage. I'm not sure what stage is next, but I hope it's peace.

 

high five!!

 

No, he didn't. It just doesn't vibe.

 

The day before the breakup, we ripped out and planted a new garden together.

2 days before the breakup, he purchased my plane ticket for an upcoming trip this month (which was last weekend).

3 days before the breakup, we picked out a new bed together, and I bought new bedding for it.

1 week before the breakup, he drove me to turn in my 30-day notice on my apartment, and had me book a mover.

2 weeks before the breakup, he teased that if he were to ask me to marry him the next day, that I could have the wedding planned quickly.

3 weeks before the breakip, he talked about how he'd go about finding the ring I wanted.

A month before the wedding, we were in Kauai, having what was for ME, the best trip of my life.

6 weeks before the breakup, he told me he thinks I'm "The One" and asked me to officially move in, and said I could expect a proposal within 6 months.

6 weeks and 1 day before the breakup, he talked about how he was going to get me a "big rock," and how he wanted our wedding to be (who'd be there, where it would be), and how he'd pay for all of it.

In the months before this, he repeatedly said how he was so happy with me, that we'd "won the lottery," that he was so thankful tha he'd found me, etc., etc., etc. We'd both say things like, "When we live happily ever after we should _____." We named our future children. We picked out the dog we wanted, and named it, and started looking for the breeder.

 

Now, during this same time period (above), he says he had "tried" to tell me that he was unhappy... SO UNHAPPY that he wanted to end the relationship.

 

How, exactly, does that compute? How, exactly, did I have blinders on to his level of unhappiness?

 

Nope. He led me on.

 

If he was unhappy since February, he had every opportunity to let me know... not to lead me down the path of the fantasy relationship that he did.

Don't try to figure him out. He isn't who YOU thought he was. It is possible he changed too, wasn't the guy you fell for at the beginning... you two weren't a great match afterall, and all this is just proof of it. Still painful and I'm sure on some level you do love him and care for him but he SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP A LONG TIME AGO. He's an idiot.

 

How will I ever trust again?

 

Make yourself a promise that you won't him or what happened ruin YOU or any future relationships. Learn from this, and accept that noone is perfect, we all make mistakes but you can work through stuff by talking and listening, (I'm talking in the future when you're ready) and do your best to leave the pain that he caused you in the past and know the next guy isn't him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That's the problem with "nice guys".

 

They avoid conflict and don't have the balls to speak up, so they just go with the flow and mentally/emotionally check out, while externally doing all the right things to avoid direct confrontation.

[sunshinegirl]

But how do you know if he's RIGHT, just because he's still there?

 

Do you never know if he's RIGHT, only if he's WRONG and leaves?

 

Because up until he uttered the words to explain he wanted out, I thought he WAS that RIGHT man who would never ever ever leave me.

 

I just don't know how I'll ever trust again. I really don't.

 

Hey Star,

 

They're good, and really understandable questions. I know you feel like there were no signs, but to me it is a flag that he wouldn't engage with you on things *you* needed to talk about, and it sounds like he never ever raised any concerns *he* had. Those are big flags...even if someone is singing to the high heavens that they love you and want to be with you, if they are incapable of verbalizing or receiving the tough stuff as well, then I'd say you should think hard about whether they're a good candidate for "life partner".

 

I've come to this conclusions through some hard experience of my own; namely, my ex from a couple of years ago who was an absolute CLAM. I never knew what he was thinking or feeling and he would never discuss serious or hard issues. Of course at the time I thought I was happy and with a good guy, but in retrospect he would have been a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE life partner. Like you, I also never knew he was unhappy until the day he dumped me, having cheated on me in the meantime.

 

One thing that sets my fiance apart is that he has always been willing to call me on my crap, and verbalize when he's upset/hurt/anxious. He shares of himself, and I have never been worried that he might disengage or deflect conversation if I needed to raise a difficult issue. I don't know how to describe that other than an emotional intimacy that was simply absent with my ex....and perhaps absent with yours?

 

The road back to trust is a hard one and it will require you to actively work on staying open to someone new. But that's a ways off. For now I think it's good that you've gotten to anger (you got there a lot faster than I did with my breakup!) and I think it's perfectly okay to be wondering/worried about whether you'll be able to trust again. Being aware that you might shut down is a good starting point to make sure you don't. If that makes any sense.

 

(((hugs)))

[tanbark813]

Sorry to hear about your breakup, SG. Just saw this thread and haven't read it all but I can relate to your questions about future relationships. The best you can do is pop open a cold one and say "f**k it".

[sunshinegirl]

I meant to add one more thing: my fiance has also experienced the "surprise breakup" with no signs that it was coming. We talked about how painful that was for each of us, and promised each other early on that we would never break up with the other out of the blue like that -- that everything was discussable, and we promised to raise and try to work through whatever was wrong before throwing in the towel. Again, emotional intimacy -- something The Clam knew nothing about.

[donnamaybe]

But how do you know if he's RIGHT, just because he's still there?

 

Do you never know if he's RIGHT, only if he's WRONG and leaves?

 

Because up until he uttered the words to explain he wanted out, I thought he WAS that RIGHT man who would never ever ever leave me.

 

I just don't know how I'll ever trust again. I really don't.

 

But you did have reservations. You gave voice to them. You had issues with his drinking, and rightfully so. But you tried to put those fears in a certain perspective in your mind so that the R could continue. You overlooked YOUR needs and focused more on allowing the R to carry on, in spite of your misgivings.

 

You've made some great strides already, focusing back on YOU and YOUR needs. You will meet someone whose needs and wants will truly align with your own. That's when you'll feel like you can trust again.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Star Gazer]

I think I picked on him because of his drinking because I had no life of my own, no part of me that made ME happy. I'd come home from work or want to hang out with him on a Saturday afternoon/evening, because I had nothing else to keep me entertained. So if I he was intoxicated during those times, I got upset because I felt alone and bored and like "my everything" (him) wasn't really there.

 

He drank just as much when we started dating, but of course it didn't bother me back then because I had my own life and my own activities keeping me full and happy.

[mickleb]

It makes sense if it was a case of commitmentphobia. It sounds very much like one.

 

You strike me as a passive CP, too. Have you done any reading about that?

 

You're right to be angry.

 

x

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I am sorry Star. Are you feeling any better today? I know it's a slow process.

[Kamille]

Star, goodness, I haven't been on LS for a few weeks and I'm so sorry to hear about all this. I need to get caught up and would like to send you a pm but my messages bounce back...

 

From what little I have read, it sounds like you're shouldering way too much of the blame... Not that that's a bad thing... Shouldering blame is what strong people do and you definitely are a very strong person. But I agree with the many people who have told you he didn't hold up his end of the deal by not WORKING on the issues with you.

 

You're in my thoughts.

 

K

[D-Lish]

I think I picked on him because of his drinking because I had no life of my own, no part of me that made ME happy. I'd come home from work or want to hang out with him on a Saturday afternoon/evening, because I had nothing else to keep me entertained. So if I he was intoxicated during those times, I got upset because I felt alone and bored and like "my everything" (him) wasn't really there.

 

He drank just as much when we started dating, but of course it didn't bother me back then because I had my own life and my own activities keeping me full and happy.

 

I think people will make all the excuses available in the honeymoon stages of a relationship (normal). Many of us have. So he drank a little more than you might have been comfortable with- you can justify it as blowing off steam; or minimize it in a variety of ways. When you have a chance to reflect (as you have), you'll realize that the drinking would have become a major bone of contention down the road should the notion of marriage or children come up.

 

Alcoholics will protect the sacred ritual of getting sauced over all else. I was a functioning alcoholic during a dark time in my life. I know now it was a reaction to my situation- but I know I never could have functioned in a healthy relationship while drinking. Why? The drinking comes first to an alcohilic. Any threat of giving that up causes major anxiety and the threat of self reflection, that' something most alcoholic's don't want to face.

 

If he's a drinker, the more he saw the drinking becoming an active problem in your relationship, the more he started to become conflicted about making a choice. This is all in his head- it's pressure he put on himself. An alcoholic has a relationship with the bottle- and no matter how awesome any competing relationship is- the bottle will win if the person in question isn't ready to do anything about his/her problem.

 

Maybe you gave up some of the things that made you the happiest as a single woman in the name of love. I concede, that's something to take responsibility for, something to work on in your next relationship, sure. But don't take on the burden of his drinking as something that was/is deficient in you. That's all him.

[Kamille]

I think people will make all the excuses available in the honeymoon stages of a relationship (normal). Many of us have. So he drank a little more than you might have been comfortable with- you can justify it as blowing off steam; or minimize it in a variety of ways. When you have a chance to reflect (as you have), you'll realize that the drinking would have become a major bone of contention down the road should the notion of marriage or children come up.

 

Alcoholics will protect the sacred ritual of getting sauced over all else. I was a functioning alcoholic during a dark time in my life. I know now it was a reaction to my situation- but I know I never could have functioned in a healthy relationship while drinking. Why? The drinking comes first to an alcohilic. Any threat of giving that up causes major anxiety and the threat of self reflection, that' something most alcoholic's don't want to face.

 

If he's a drinker, the more he saw the drinking becoming an active problem in your relationship, the more he started to become conflicted about making a choice. This is all in his head- it's pressure he put on himself. An alcoholic has a relationship with the bottle- and no matter how awesome any competing relationship is- the bottle will win if the person in question isn't ready to do anything about his/her problem.

 

Maybe you gave up some of the things that made you the happiest as a single woman in the name of love. I concede, that's something to take responsibility for, something to work on in your next relationship, sure. But don't take on the burden of his drinking as something that was/is deficient in you. That's all him.

 

Amen.

 

SG, you know my struggles with loving an alcoholic and how much it hurt me. In a few months, once the dust has settled, come back and reread what D-Lish says here. Right now you're still minimizing the effects of alcoholism on your relationship. But one day you will realize that he wasn't ready to confront his own "comfort zone". Art Critic wrote something similar to what D-Lish wrote here when ex and I broke up. A part of me struggled to believe and understand it. Now I do. I understood, intellectually, what AC meant but still saw and loved the person behind the alcoholic. Seeing and loving that person meant that I focused on what went wrong between us and minimized the role of alcoholism.

 

I saw the person I loved ahead of the alcoholic. See, in my relationship with ex, I constantly minimized the role of alcoholism in our relationship - this, in order to keep the relationship functional. A part of me knew that if I questioned it too much he would bail. In fact, once I questioned it, he bailed.

 

 

 

When I was with my ex, I gave up a lot of my own lifestyle to be with him. I now realize that a good part of that was part of my ex's alcoholism. My ex needed to set the pace, the schedule, the place. That way he could control situations to meet his need for alcohol. If I tried to take too much control of our relationship, he would feel unsettled. He needed me to adjust to him and not vice-versa. It was up to me to sacrifice my time and my activities for his. that way he remained in his (alcoholic) habits while I adjusted to his. That included "moving in" with him 3 weeks into the relationship.

 

I loved him and will even say that - to this day - I regret his alcoholism. I really think we had something otherwise and still resent him for how things ended. I still dream about him. He is the only one of my exes I still dream about. But he chose alcohol over me. That's clear to me now.

[sedgwick]

 

But really, I literally don't know what I would have done without each of my friends. I'm literally the luckiest girl in the world.

 

I literally gained 18 pounds since entering this relationship

 

I'm glad you let us know all these things were literal, otherwise I would have thought you, your friends, and those 18 pounds were just cyphers floating nebulously in the atmosphere.

[Star Gazer]

Thank you so much for your post, D. I'll definitely be referring to it as time passes.

 

Maybe you gave up some of the things that made you the happiest as a single woman in the name of love. I concede, that's something to take responsibility for, something to work on in your next relationship, sure. But don't take on the burden of his drinking as something that was/is deficient in you. That's all him.

 

Thing is, he told me that he's been unhappy for a long time (since around after New Year's), and that he was drinking to excess to push me away, because he was too much of a coward to break up with me. He wanted me to do it. That's code for, "You made me drink." This makes me feel like everytime I came home to find him intoxicated, he was intoxicated because he was self-medicating at the very thought of me coming home to him (despite meeting me at the door with a hug and kiss every single day). That kills me.

 

Also, last week, he made a point of telling me that he's spending his time in his "big quiet" house "running, eating healthy, and not drinking." I went over to his house recently to get more stuff (knowing he wouldn't be there), and there was virtually no wine/beer/gin in the house - it was noticeably absent. It's like he literally stopped drinking and wants me to know this. Now that I'm gone, he has no urge to drink? This adds to my feelings of, "It's all my fault."

 

Intellectually, I know enough of about alcoholism to know that it's not my fault, that he made the choice to drink every time he brought the glass to his lips. I also know that he was quite the drinker before we even started dating. I remember seeing pictures of him sh*tfaced in the first few weeks of us dating, and noticed within the first 5 months or so (when we were blissfully happy) that the guy really, really, REALLY liked his wine. So I "know" I didn't cause his drinking. But right now, my heart and my head aren't speaking the same language and I feel somehow responsible for how bad it got over the past 5 or so months.

 

I saw the person I loved ahead of the alcoholic. See, in my relationship with ex, I constantly minimized the role of alcoholism in our relationship - this, in order to keep the relationship functional. A part of me knew that if I questioned it too much he would bail. In fact, once I questioned it, he bailed.

 

I too saw Skiman ahead of Skiman the alcoholic. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I denied the role his drinking was having in our relationship - to myself, to my friends, to my family. The only person I addressed it with was him. To everyone else, "we" were perfect. But unlike you, I didn't think that if I questioned it too much he would bail. If anything, I thought that he thought that I would bail. But I wouldn't have. Ever. But he did.

 

When I was with my ex, I gave up a lot of my own lifestyle to be with him. I now realize that a good part of that was part of my ex's alcoholism. My ex needed to set the pace, the schedule, the place. That way he could control situations to meet his need for alcohol. If I tried to take too much control of our relationship, he would feel unsettled. He needed me to adjust to him and not vice-versa. It was up to me to sacrifice my time and my activities for his. that way he remained in his (alcoholic) habits while I adjusted to his. That included "moving in" with him 3 weeks into the relationship.

 

I gave up a LOT of myself and my lifestyle for his convenience or the convenience of the relationship, and I don't think he even realizes that. At the time, I didn't realize it either. I see now that we were homebodies not only because we both enjoy peace and quiet and the ease of a Friday night with a bottle of Zin and the DVR, but also so that he could drink freely without concern. I also see now, that if I hadn't sacrificed my time and my things, I wouldn't have been able to be with him. So I adjusted, because I wanted to be with him. And yes, I suppose this includes me just "never leaving" (as opposed to moving in ) his house.

 

But he chose alcohol over me. That's clear to me now.

 

It's definitely possible here... but I'm not entirely sure. I mean, I know his drinking played a role, I'm just not sure how much.

 

So for now, I am just going to assume that I turned into a boring, pudgy, bitchy person - because I did! Haha! - and that's why he left. Because I can control all of those qualities of myself (unlike his drinking), and if I improve myself I'm only doing myself a favor, no matter what happens with this or any other relationship.

[Star Gazer]

It makes sense if it was a case of commitmentphobia. It sounds very much like one.

 

You strike me as a passive CP, too. Have you done any reading about that?

 

You're right to be angry.

 

x

 

I Googled "passive CP" and found an interesting thread/article on another forum, that does, admittedly, sound a lot like the dynamic in our relationship (him being "active" and me being "passive").