Wife had an affair - have questions

[kaysun]

I'm looking for some help,

 

 

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for six. We have two young children, ages 5 and 3. I found out about five weeks ago that my wife had a 14 month affair. This affair was with a MM that also has two young kids. My wife and the OM don't work together but both their companies work closely together, (vendor / supplier). They started out talking about work and then it escalated. My W and the OM both travel for work and would be with each other at trade shows around the country.

 

 

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time. We both tested negative and his was actually a “false positive”.

 

 

I could tell for the 14 months that something was amiss but I trusted my W and didn't think she would do this. I will also say that Jan. thru the first part of April was really bad (fighting) but the month before I found out we were really doing good.

 

 

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

[PrettyinInk]

I have zero experience in this area, but from reading posts on here like yours, i can tell you that at least your wife seems remorseful. some spouses wont even admit they did anything wrong, or get angry that the betrayed spouse is upset and wont "get over it."

 

so i think you have a really good start. it will take time. i can't imagine what you are going through or what i would do in your situation.

 

maybe take some time for yourself. a mini vacation? then possibly couples therapy.

 

good luck.

[Church Bells]

kaysun,

 

You have both good and bad factors working both for and against a successful R (Recovery). The good is that you now seem to have a remourseful WW (wayward wife) and the A seems to be over ... the bad is that it was a LTA (Long Term Affair) that involved feelings of love, and that you have a WW with a travelling job.

 

1st things first ... you must insure NC (No Contact) with OM (Other Man) for life, so your WW is going to have to leave her job or at least transfer to a non-travelling job within the same company where there will not be the opportunity for them to bump into each other on the road, nor have normal business conversations while not travelling.

 

I also had to deal with a travelling spouse, so I have numerous other "extraordinary precautions" to help you with should your WW agree to a career change as outlined above, but I won't go into them at this point, until we know if YOU are willing to establish and enforce appropriate boundaries and your WW agrees to abide by those boundaries.

[Bryanp]

I hope I am wrong but it sounds like your wife is in total damage control mode.

 

1. She had no intention of stopping the sexual affair (of course she is going to tell you the sex was bland) and it only ended because they got caught. She clearly had no intention of telling you or stopping it.

2. It lasted for 14 months which is a very long time for her to be constantly lying and cheating on you.

3. She said she always loved you but clearly did not have problems continuing to cheat on you for her love of conversation?

4. She loved you so much (sic) that she had no problem engaging in sex without any sort of protection putting your health at risk for STD's. She never thought about using a condom? What does this say about her total disrespect and humiliation of you.

5. Her love for you has now put you life at risk for HIV. You will have to continue to be tested because it stays dormant for a period of time.

 

If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be so accepting as you. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She said she never wanted to lose you or divorce you but engaged in these activities nevertheless for 14 months. Maybe she meant she never wanted to lose her lifestyle and status while sleeping with her lover and playing you for a fool. I am sorry but her actions do not match her words.

 

I am sorry my friend but she is clearly in damage control mode. Apparently it was quite easy for her to continue to lie to you for 14 months. How can you possibly believe anything she says now or in the future since she is such a superb liar and has an ability to put such a spin on her activities to minimize her actions.. Her actions indicated that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[JustJoe]

Dude, everything she has told you could have come out of a cheaters manual, if there was such a thing. Read some of the other cheating spouses posts if you don't believe me. She was lonely, in a fog, it wasn't her, but someone else , who did the cheating , now she knows what she's got and of course will NEVER cheat again. If you believe this crap and stay with her, it will happen again, and you will have nobody to blame , but yourself. She does NOT love you, and she does NOT respect you, what more do you need to know?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Being on LS for a few months has kinda given me a prespective on things. Men have a harder time forgiving their WS for the affair as opposed to the women! Why is that? I myself am a BS and for the record am having a very difficult time in forgiving my WH. I don't think I can get past it at this point..and D-Day was 2 months ago now. I have been trying..and he has really done a 180 but not enough so to get me to want a reconciliation at this point. I wish I knew the answer to what your looking for...but like many others have said...actions really do speak louder than words. At least in my case. I don't want to know the details of their A and I don't ask. Every so often I blow up...and the trust issue is the worse.

[jmargel]

I have to agree with Bryan, what do you expect her to say? That she loved him and that if it wasn't for the OM's wife finding the text that they would still be together? That it wasn't HER that ended it, it was the OM that did (the OM's wife found out, he stopped it then).

 

If she's having sex with him for 14 months, then it must be somewhat good, she lied, deceived you. She blamed YOU for this affair. "Oh, I didn't get enough attention so I hooked up w/ someone for over a year". When is that going to happen again? She not only disrespected you but also the children you have together.

 

The fighting, the tension, the anger.. Your kids went through all of that with you. They are scared and upset. They don't feel the love. Doesn't matter if you fight only with them not around, they know.

 

To actually be continuing this for that long tells me she has no respect for you.

 

"She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things."

 

That is a red flag, she is not taking responsibility. She is trying to push off the blame. She needs to get counseling otherwise you are going to have more cheating in the future.

[ladydesigner]

I have to agree with Bryan, what do you expect her to say? That she loved him and that if it wasn't for the OM's wife finding the text that they would still be together? That it wasn't HER that ended it, it was the OM that did (the OM's wife found out, he stopped it then).

 

If she's having sex with him for 14 months, then it must be somewhat good, she lied, deceived you. She blamed YOU for this affair. "Oh, I didn't get enough attention so I hooked up w/ someone for over a year". When is that going to happen again? She not only disrespected you but also the children you have together.

 

The fighting, the tension, the anger.. Your kids went through all of that with you. They are scared and upset. They don't feel the love. Doesn't matter if you fight only with them not around, they know.

 

To actually be continuing this for that long tells me she has no respect for you.

 

"She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things."

 

That is a red flag, she is not taking responsibility. She is trying to push off the blame. She needs to get counseling otherwise you are going to have more cheating in the future.

 

No it is not always good. Sometimes IT IS THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. I know in my own A, which happened to be a RA (revenge affair), the sex with XOM was a HUGE disappointment. The emotional part is was what I craved since it was boosting my blown ego from my H's A.

 

The sex is not always good.

 

At any rate I hope you and your wife are able to reconcile successfully.

[Mimolicious]

my suggestion- go to therapy.

[kaysun]

I hope I am wrong but it sounds like your wife is in total damage control mode.

 

1. She had no intention of stopping the sexual affair (of course she is going to tell you the sex was bland) and it only ended because they got caught. She clearly had no intention of telling you or stopping it.

2. It lasted for 14 months which is a very long time for her to be constantly lying and cheating on you.

3. She said she always loved you but clearly did not have problems continuing to cheat on you for her love of conversation?

4. She loved you so much (sic) that she had no problem engaging in sex without any sort of protection putting your health at risk for STD's. She never thought about using a condom? What does this say about her total disrespect and humiliation of you.

5. Her love for you has now put you life at risk for HIV. You will have to continue to be tested because it stays dormant for a period of time.

 

If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be so accepting as you. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She said she never wanted to lose you or divorce you but engaged in these activities nevertheless for 14 months. Maybe she meant she never wanted to lose her lifestyle and status while sleeping with her lover and playing you for a fool. I am sorry but her actions do not match her words.

 

I am sorry my friend but she is clearly in damage control mode. Apparently it was quite easy for her to continue to lie to you for 14 months. How can you possibly believe anything she says now or in the future since she is such a superb liar and has an ability to put such a spin on her activities to minimize her actions.. Her actions indicated that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I can't disagree with anything you have written. I've said all those things back to her.

 

1.) She said it was going to end after the last time. She couldn't physically do it anymore because of what it was doing to her.

2.) She can't explain the 14 months. She said they tried to stop it a couple of times but there would always be a phone call to start it back up again.

3.) I thought the same.

4.) She said they didn't think about the condoms. He has been married for 15 years so they both thought they'd be fine.

 

She has said she would never do this again, regardless if we're together or not. She said she couldn't do it to herself again. We told her parents and her mom collapsed. No one could believe it. I think the HIV scare shook everybody up.

 

Their jobs definately made this convienant for them as their hook-ups were always when they traveled. They live in different states, but work in the same state, hours apart.

 

I don't know. I'm lost, confused, heartbroken and don't know what to do.

[kaysun]

my suggestion- go to therapy.

 

We're both in therapy now. My W went in March before I knew any of this. She said it was to work on our marriage. She now says it was to find out how she could do this. She's also going to therapy now.

 

I've been to a few sessions already.

[Church Bells]

Their jobs definately made this convienant for them as their hook-ups were always when they traveled. They live in different states, but work in the same state, hours apart.

 

Is she willing to either quit her job or transfer to a non-travelling position within the same company?

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you Kaysun.

I could counter all of her points but for now I will just stick with just one of her counterpoints. She said they never thought about using condoms because he had been married 15 years. My friend is she brain dead or again is this a desperate attempt to come up with an excuse? This is a married man who has no problems screwing a married woman for 14 months until he is caught. What would make her think he is a paragon of virtue?

 

She is screwing and having sex with a married man. How would she even know if he never cheated before? In addition, people have all types of other illness that can be given to other people. Many times individuals are carriers who may not know it themselves. And now the OM has tested positive for HIV. She deliberately put your heath and life at risk because she was so selfish and apparently too lazy to bother to use a condom. I guess she never wanted to ruin the bland sex (sic). Her actions clearly show how unimportant any type of health risk was toward you. The bottom line is that she didn't even bother to take minimal precautions and now you both had to be tested for HIV because he tested positive. I would strongly suggest that you at least look into legal counsel to understand your options. I wish you luck.

[hopesndreams]

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time.

 

The A would still be going on if this didn't happen. She didn't end the A on her own and then come clean with you.

 

My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it.

 

What's going to happen the next time she gets lonely? She would once again have no control over it.

 

She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.

 

A 14 months infatuation. Interesting. Hmmmm.

 

She said the sex was bland and awkward,

 

14 months of bland and awkward sex. If she really wanted someone to just "talk to" did she not have friends or family? Did she try and try to talk to you about her loss of control and that she was ripe for an A and found someone of interest to, ahem, "talk" to?

 

She says she can't believe it was her that did it.

 

Who else was it then? Does she have multiple personality disorder?

 

She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

Why would she feel the need to forgive herself? According to her, it was out of her control.

 

Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me?

 

It is her truth. She is no where near taking the blame for her actions.

 

I see no remorse here.

[U2RockZz]

see your wife said what all other cheating wives said to their spouses when they got caught....

 

 

think logically...what would you do if she said sex was awesome/gruesome whatever....??

what would you do if she said she loves him....????

 

she just saying the things exactly what you wanted to hear...if you are falling for that crap....god save you

 

logically she doesn't respect/care enough to put on a condom....that itself pretty much says everything about her.....get out while you still can breathe....

 

cheater or killer will never change....they want that rush...when the opportunity arises they will do it again...at least find some facts about affair...is it really over...????...and finally secure yourself financially....

Edited June 18, 2010 by U2RockZz

[silktricks]

I unfortunately don't have a lot of time to post right now.

 

But.... I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Betrayal is horrible and can completely destroy you.

 

The good news is that she truly does seem repentant.

 

I do know that it's much more difficult for men to forgive than it is for women - I think women are taught more often that we are supposed to be more forgiving or something - anyway, it's really really difficult.

 

14 months is a long time, but from what you say it doesn't sound like the sex really happened all that often - only when they were at the same location when traveling - which probably wasn't all that terribly often.

 

If the 2 of you decide to try to fix your marriage there are a couple things:

1. this was a problem in your marriage - which means that you (together) also need to examine what was the problem in the marriage prior to the affair. If you want to reconcile, you need to rebuild it from the ground up.

2. it will take a lot of time to recover from this. time varies by people, but expect 2-3 years minimum.

3. some people simply cannot get past the pain or the visions of their most trusted partner having cheated on them. That doesn't mean anything other than some people can't get by it - some people can.

4. don't assume that everything she says is a lie - and equally don't assume that everything she says is the truth. It will take time and questioning and therapy to determine what is truth, what is untruth and what eventually you don't care is true or not.

5. get therapy.

 

Gotta run - I'll get back to post further whenever I can.

 

Best of luck.

 

(P.S. My hubby (who cheated) and I are 6 years post affair and doing very well. It can be done if the will is there for both.)

[U2RockZz]

i just read a post where the H got so tired of her lies he tried shoot himself ,of course the gun was empty....does it really worth...not a dime...???

 

if you are still wanted to be married to the person who deliberately cheated on you over a year(i.e insane)...

 

then forget about what your W is doing...don't give a flying f*** about what she does or not....have a life for yourself which should not include your wife....do things which makes you happier...keep an eye on your finances

[whichwayisup]

1)She needs to do counselling on her own, as well as the two of you go to marriage counselling. Make sure the counsellor is the same person for both sessions.

 

2)She quits her job immediately. She can't work with OM anymore. Or go on business trips. She has to earn your trust back. Her saying it's over and she's in NC mode means nothing without proof and actions. Her word isn't good enough.. Right now, anyway.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[seibert253]

I've been where you're at. I can tell you from experience you are not getting the full story.

 

14 months, and she says she wanted to end it, but couldn't? I really hope you don't believe this.

The sex was bland and average? Then when did she continue with it? Not buying this one either.

She thought she loved him, but really didn't? I sorry friend, she did love him, but probably doesn't anymore.

 

I have to agree with the other posters, if the OM's W hadn't found out, your W would still be knee deep in her A. The fact that after this ended, and I know she knew the OM's W knew, but still didn't admit this to you. Big problem here my friend.

 

If you W's remorse and sorrow is genuine, I feel as long as you're willing to work very, very hard, there is hope that your M will recover.

Just my .02

 

Peace and Good Luck

[Steadfast]

When I was a child my father had an affair. I vaguely remember something being very wrong. My dad told me about it when I was in my 30s; twenty-five years later.

 

Pop told me after much thought and heartache (he loved the other woman, and she was very attractive; younger, sexy, no kids) he didn't want to lose mom and his family so he went to her, begged her forgiveness and said he would do anything/everything to make the marriage work. She took him back, then insisted we move to the across country and start over.

 

Without hesitation, he agreed. At the age of 40 he started a new career, made new friends, threw himself into a leadership role at the church and told her where he was every second of the day for the rest of his life. You know what? He didn't resent her one bit; told me it was the best decision they ever made. When he passed, they had been married for 65 years.

 

Do you want to know the long term effects of cheating and betrayal? Through most of my teenage years pop slept in a different room...mom was just so hurt and damaged. Later, long after I grew up, they seemed to resolve some of these issues but dad apologized again on his death bed.

 

It never completely left them. And it wasn't mom's anger that fueled the long-term problems and obstacles...it was my father's guilt. A life of guilt.

 

The other posters have advised you well, but -it's a big BUT- for whatever reason your wife is (at least) acting remorseful and (again, at least) has said she's willing to work on the marriage. Actions ultimately speak louder than words but you're getting far, far more than most men whose unhappy wives decide to bring someone else into the union. She could still be cheating, living with your kids and asking you to pay for the whole thing after kicking you out. Seems in most ways you are ahead of the curve.

 

It won't be easy but if you really love her and are willing to put in the work, it's worth trying to save. If the person you're dating cheats it's a short trip to the curb, but marriage is different. Can you rebuild the trust?

[jnj express]

Have you come to any decision as to what you wanna do----remember from now on this is your game, your rules, as long as you arn't abusive.

 

Have you set any boundaries for her to follow????? She is giving you words of damage control----everything she has said has been a "put down" of her affair, yet she stayed in the A., for 14 months that you know of. Other question is what else has gone on. She is a master liar, and a decietful manipulator-----She planned everyone of her escapades with her lover----and still conducted her normal life with you---as in coming home every night for almost a year and half, looked you right in the eyes, and said everything is fine----no problems.

 

Lets talk about problems----she blames the A. on marital problems, which caused her to need outside coddling---or so she said----WHY THE HE*L DIDN'T SHE COME TO YOU AND SAY THIS IS CAUSING ME A PROBLEM AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT----no her method of fixing her marital problems was to spread her legs for another guy, for 14 months-----and if the A., was so bad why didn't it end. She knew from Day #1, what she was doing was wrong----she knerw it would wreck the mge., she knew it would hurt you beyond belief, she knew it would wreck her kids life (if you have kids---that has never been mentioned)---She knew the repercussions of her A., yet she DIDN'T CARE ENUFF ABOUT YOU TO NOT PARTICIPATE/STOP the A. once it started.

 

Only reason you are here is cuz she is scared sh*tless of the HIV----her lover certainly wasn't gonna take care of her in a medical situation----that's your job---her good, loving, innocent dupe of a H.

 

You will do what you need to do for yourself---AND IT SHOULD BE FOR YOURSELF----If you decide your love is blind, and you R.---then be very wary, set extremely strong boundaries, with consequenses YOU CAN AND WILL IMPLEMENT---not just words, but actions----make her switch to a local only, work situation------and watch her very, very, very carefully.

 

There should be NO lovey--dovey--touchy--feely at this point for a long while---she has to know what she has done has been akin to murdering your heart, and the mge., and there must be some form of punishment!!!!

[kaysun]

Is she willing to either quit her job or transfer to a non-travelling position within the same company?

 

She says she is willing to transfer to a non-traveling position within the same company or find another job.

[imagine]

She says she is willing to transfer to a non-traveling position within the same company or find another job.

 

Good. There must be no contact forever. Keep tabs with the OMW.

 

Regaining trust will be slow. She will have to learn how to keep contact with you while she is away. The good news is that she sounds genuinely repentant.

 

She may be trying to protect you. Protection from the truth never works out. Let her take a polygraph in order to preclude further trickle truths.

[kaysun]

I've been where you're at. I can tell you from experience you are not getting the full story.

 

14 months, and she says she wanted to end it, but couldn't? I really hope you don't believe this.

 

I don't believe this either. She says it was like living two separate lives, one being reality and one being a fantasy, and she could separate the two. She said she wanted it to end but also felt, at the time, that she loved him. She says she cried everytime she was with him because she knew what she was doing was wrong but yet couldn't stop. What I don't understand is why she just didn't leave me? She had 14 months to do it, so why not? I've read that it's kind of like a drug, similar to what a drug addict goes thru. They know it's wrong, know they're hurting people, but yet can't stop it. I don't know what the hell to think about it.

 

 

The sex was bland and average? Then when did she continue with it? Not buying this one either.

 

I don't believe it either. She said it was average at best and could of done without it. She says at times she did it with him because that's what he wanted.

 

She thought she loved him, but really didn't? I sorry friend, she did love him, but probably doesn't anymore.

 

I think I agree with this. I've read where people in affairs "think" they love their AP but its shrouded in the secrecy, talking, etc. She said when he was no longer there she could look back and see that it wasn't love, just someone she shared a huge secret with.

 

I have to agree with the other posters, if the OM's W hadn't found out, your W would still be knee deep in her A. The fact that after this ended, and I know she knew the OM's W knew, but still didn't admit this to you. Big problem here my friend.

 

The OM's W knew because she intercepted the text. The OM's wife also let my wife have it a couple of times over the phone.

 

My wife has said that she still felt she cared for him but knew it was coming to an end because everything was catching up to her. The guilt and lying was making her feel miserable and the affair was running it's course. She said she knew it was going to be done. I sit and think, "what the hell else is she going to say"?

 

I'll also say, I've talked to the OM's wife a number of times. She also believes the A was coming to an end and she doesn't believe it was love either. For whatever that's worth, I don't know. The OM's wife says she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to go thru this pain. The OM's wife also has a short chain on her H.

 

If you W's remorse and sorrow is genuine, I feel as long as you're willing to work very, very hard, there is hope that your M will recover.

Just my .02

 

My wife has said she is truely sorry and never meant to cause me this much pain. She says she would take it all back and will do whatever it takes to make us better.

 

Peace and Good Luck

 

My wife says she can't explain why they kept the A going that long. My counselor has also said that my wife probably can't answer that question right now either. My wife said they tried to stop it a number of times but there would always be a phone call to start things back up. It didn't help that their jobs would allow them to see each other. My wife and the OM live in different states.

 

I don't know what I want at this time. I have two young kids that I know will be hurt by us divorcing. My wife seems, at face value, to be remorseful and wanting to make amends. Do I try to make this work, hoping that our future can be good, maybe even great? Can we work thru our marriage issues, that I wasn't aware of, and be better? I'd like to think it's worth it to try. I don't care to lose 11 years of my life for a 14 month mistake, albeit a huge one. Can one truely get past this?

 

I also don't know if I can get past it. My wife answers my questions but also gets upset because I ask them all day long, at home, at work, at home again. She says she feels like she's being grilled. She says she's humiliated at what she's done and hates herself for doing it. It's been six months for her since it's ended but only 5 weeks since I've found out.

 

I'll also say this about the HIV. Doctors have admitted that tubes of blood got mixed up at the hospital and he shouldn't of tested positive. Who would of thought that would of happened in this day and age?

[kaysun]

Good. There must be no contact forever. Keep tabs with the OMW.

 

Regaining trust will be slow. She will have to learn how to keep contact with you while she is away. The good news is that she sounds genuinely repentant.

 

She may be trying to protect you. Protection from the truth never works out. Let her take a polygraph in order to preclude further trickle truths.

 

I've ran into a couple of "trickle truths" already. She say's she's already hurt me in ways she never thought she could and doesn't want to hurt me more. She says that she's already stabbed me in the chest with the knife and giving the details is like twisting it further. She says she never could imagine the pain I would be feeling and can't stand the thought of hurting me more.