Wife had an affair - have questions

[2sunny]

I've been where you're at. I can tell you from experience you are not getting the full story.

 

14 months, and she says she wanted to end it, but couldn't? I really hope you don't believe this.

The sex was bland and average? Then when did she continue with it? Not buying this one either.

She thought she loved him, but really didn't? I sorry friend, she did love him, but probably doesn't anymore.

 

I have to agree with the other posters, if the OM's W hadn't found out, your W would still be knee deep in her A. The fact that after this ended, and I know she knew the OM's W knew, but still didn't admit this to you. Big problem here my friend.

 

If you W's remorse and sorrow is genuine, I feel as long as you're willing to work very, very hard, there is hope that your M will recover.

Just my .02

 

Peace and Good Luck

 

seems she's only remorseful about getting caught. she can say anything she wants - mostly what she thinks you need to hear... that still doesn't set things straight if she's not willing to be honest with herself - and then with you as well... it only means the cover up is still solid as long as you don't find out what her true feelings were/are - and what she's willing to do/not do to insure that SHE never considers this as HER option again.

 

i honestly don't think she's had enough consequences from you.

 

what are her actions that show she's willing to never do this again. how much transparency is she willing to give you? has she quit her job? changed her number? closed her facebook page etc? given passwords to EVERYTHING she has, including work, and secret email accounts etc? if she's unwilling to do ANYTHING you require - she's still wondering in the back of her mind IF she can leave some small trail for her OM to contact her sometime in her future...

[2sunny]

I've ran into a couple of "trickle truths" already. She say's she's already hurt me in ways she never thought she could and doesn't want to hurt me more. She says that she's already stabbed me in the chest with the knife and giving the details is like twisting it further. She says she never could imagine the pain I would be feeling and can't stand the thought of hurting me more.

 

this is such a bunch of BS!!!!!! she doesn't want to tell because it only makes her look worse. kick her out until she TOTALLY shows with her actions and words that she's no longer hiding anything from you/holding onto to secrets that keep the M from healing.

 

IF she wanted to heal the M - she would be willing to share anything with you in order to restore YOUR comfort level - she's really only STILL considering how it affects her comfort level - that is TOTALLY backwards to restoring the M... so she is PROVING that she's still as selfish and self centered as she was when she was cheating.

 

nothing has changed, my friend, she is still as sneaky as she ever was and just intends for YOU not to find out. THAT is why i'd throw her out and make her damn uncomfortable - enough to pay a price for bringing this all on you. see then. IF she starts to change her selfish, lying, cheating ways.

 

she cheated you out of YOUR peace of mind! SHE should be willing to restore that for YOU - and she's not.

[Bryanp]

The fact that she has constantly trickle truth you indicates that you really should consider a polygraph. Your wife is too good of a storyteller. Think about your anniversaries xmas, valentine's day etc. during this period and what a complete farce they became. I do not think you can ever be sure this has not happened previously. I know this sounds harsh but maybe a paternity test is in order. It is amazing statically how many married men are not the biological father. Ask yourself if you knew then what you know now would you still have married her? I wish you luck.

[U2RockZz]

I've ran into a couple of "trickle truths" already. She say's she's already hurt me in ways she never thought she could and doesn't want to hurt me more. She says that she's already stabbed me in the chest with the knife and giving the details is like twisting it further. She says she never could imagine the pain I would be feeling and can't stand the thought of hurting me more.

 

 

did you believe that s*** ...she perfectly knows how to manipulate you....anyways why you are so desperately wanted to believe a cheater...you are trying make sense out of nonsense.....

 

so when are you going to know the actual truth...if she doesn't open up you will go insane....i totally agree with above poster about polygraph and DNA....

 

 

you better get the evidence...install a key logger ...and flexi-spy on her mobile, get some truths then decide what you wanted to do....but you are setting yourself for another one......

Edited June 19, 2010 by U2RockZz

[Bryanp]

One more follow- up question for you Kaysun. Your wife engaged in a very long 14 month sexual affair behind your back with no intention of ever telling you the truth. Do you feel that one of the reasons for the length of the affair was her belief that if she did get caught, she knew that you would never divorce her so she really had nothing to lose. Is it possible that she knew your love for the kids would never allow you to divorce her so she could therefore engage in this long term humiliating to you affair without any fear of serious consequences from you?

 

I am just wondering if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her if she ever engaged in cheating, do you think she would have gone through with this sexual affair? My guess is that you are a really nice guy and she knew how to manipulate you if she ever got caught. In short, she never worried about the consequences of her actions because down deep she knew that there would not be any. Do you think if the roles had been reversed she would have been so accepting as you have been? She is irritated at you for the constant questioning? You have got to be kidding.

[kaysun]

did you believe that s*** ...she perfectly knows how to manipulate you....anyways why you are so desperately wanted to believe a cheater...you are trying make sense out of nonsense.....

 

so when are you going to know the actual truth...if she doesn't open up you will go insane....i totally agree with above poster about polygraph and DNA....

 

 

you better get the evidence...install a key logger ...and flexi-spy on her mobile, get some truths then decide what you wanted to do....but you are setting yourself for another one......

 

I am trying to make sense of it. I can't believe anyone can do this to someone they say they love.

 

I didn't believe her answers to the (2) trickle truths at all. I knew she was lying so I kept asking questions and more questions until she finally told me the truth. I'm just stating what she said when I asked her why she wouldn't tell me the truth.

 

She has given me the password to her Blackberry and leaves it where I can see it. We have an open account on our home email. She doesn't have a Facebook account and I've had a number of people look into that for me. The only thing I don't have access to is her work email account but I can check her work email on her Blackberry.

[2sunny]

I am trying to make sense of it. I can't believe anyone can do this to someone they say they love.

 

I didn't believe her answers to the (2) trickle truths at all. I knew she was lying so I kept asking questions and more questions until she finally told me the truth. I'm just stating what she said when I asked her why she wouldn't tell me the truth.

 

She has given me the password to her Blackberry and leaves it where I can see it. We have an open account on our home email. She doesn't have a Facebook account and I've had a number of people look into that for me. The only thing I don't have access to is her work email account but I can check her work email on her Blackberry.

 

you aren't being proactive enough to rest easy.

 

what are YOU planning to do about all of this mess SHE continues to create - just keep reacting to her trickle truths and keep looking for more evidence of her cheating or not?

 

it's not enough... YOU have to get stronger - for YOU - set some boundaries and stick to them - letting her pay the penalty (whatever that is that she earns) according to your boundary and what she does or doesn't do.

 

man up dude! man up! the approach you are using isn't nearly enough to set her straight... she's banking on YOU not being strong and showing her that you aren't gonna take her crap anymore! take a stand - and stick to it. she needs to be damn uncomfortable and she's not. that is why you get trickle truths and half truths and her lying by omission - because she thinks that is enough for you - and that's all she gonna give to keep the heat off of her. it's simply not enough - unless you are wimpy boy, put your head in the sand, and pretend like this all goes away without any recourse or resolve. that is what she wants from you.

 

IF she's not willing to do all the hard work to start changing everything about your life together - it's never gonna work. right now, she's too comfortable to make an effort for you to be comfortable - she's still, only thinking about how this affects her. it's YOUR job to make sure she's uncomfortable - can you do that?

[kaysun]

One more follow- up question for you Kaysun. Your wife engaged in a very long 14 month sexual affair behind your back with no intention of ever telling you the truth. Do you feel that one of the reasons for the length of the affair was her belief that if she did get caught, she knew that you would never divorce her so she really had nothing to lose. Is it possible that she knew your love for the kids would never allow you to divorce her so she could therefore engage in this long term humiliating to you affair without any fear of serious consequences from you?

 

I am just wondering if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her if she ever engaged in cheating, do you think she would have gone through with this sexual affair? My guess is that you are a really nice guy and she knew how to manipulate you if she ever got caught. In short, she never worried about the consequences of her actions because down deep she knew that there would not be any. Do you think if the roles had been reversed she would have been so accepting as you have been? She is irritated at you for the constant questioning? You have got to be kidding.

 

I've always said that if she cheated on me, we would be done, no questions asked. I can honestly say it's easier to say than actually do.

 

She very well could of thought that I wouldn't leave her. I've always said I value the sanctuary of marriage, and that it means something to me. I've also said it would be very hard to leave because of the kids.

 

I asked her if she would of stayed in the roles were reversed. She said she would stay to try to make our marriage better because she loves me. She said she knows how terrible a mistake she made but the reality of losing me makes her want to try to make this work. Remember, I'm saying what she has said, not that I do or don't believe it.

[kaysun]

you aren't being proactive enough to rest easy.

 

what are YOU planning to do about all of this mess SHE continues to create - just keep reacting to her trickle truths and keep looking for more evidence of her cheating or not?

 

it's not enough... YOU have to get stronger - for YOU - set some boundaries and stick to them - letting her pay the penalty (whatever that is that she earns) according to your boundary and what she does or doesn't do.

 

man up dude! man up! the approach you are using isn't nearly enough to set her straight... she's banking on YOU not being strong and showing her that you aren't gonna take her crap anymore! take a stand - and stick to it. she needs to be damn uncomfortable and she's not. that is why you get trickle truths and half truths and her lying by omission - because she thinks that is enough for you - and that's all she gonna give to keep the heat off of her. it's simply not enough - unless you are wimpy boy, put your head in the sand, and pretend like this all goes away without any recourse or resolve. that is what she wants from you.

 

IF she's not willing to do all the hard work to start changing everything about your life together - it's never gonna work. right now, she's too comfortable to make an effort for you to be comfortable - she's still, only thinking about how this affects her. it's YOUR job to make sure she's uncomfortable - can you do that?

 

I've told her, in no uncertain terms, that I will divorce her and tell people of this, if she doesn't start being honest. We live in a small town (less than 4,000 people) and my wife works in a smaller town (less than 2,000 people). My wife knows that if this comes out, she will lose her job of 15 years, her image and reputation, along with our marriage and family.

 

She has said that she is "throwing herself at my feet" and that she'll abide by any boundaries that I throw at her. I've told her no traveling for business. She's already canceled going to (2) shows in the month of June and doesn't have another one scheduled until Nov. She knows that is out of the question already as I've told her already.

[kaysun]

One more follow- up question for you Kaysun. Your wife engaged in a very long 14 month sexual affair behind your back with no intention of ever telling you the truth. Do you feel that one of the reasons for the length of the affair was her belief that if she did get caught, she knew that you would never divorce her so she really had nothing to lose. Is it possible that she knew your love for the kids would never allow you to divorce her so she could therefore engage in this long term humiliating to you affair without any fear of serious consequences from you?

 

I am just wondering if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her if she ever engaged in cheating, do you think she would have gone through with this sexual affair? My guess is that you are a really nice guy and she knew how to manipulate you if she ever got caught. In short, she never worried about the consequences of her actions because down deep she knew that there would not be any. Do you think if the roles had been reversed she would have been so accepting as you have been? She is irritated at you for the constant questioning? You have got to be kidding.

 

I'll also say this about her being irritated at the constant questioning. My counselor has said that I'm able to process information very fast. That right now my mind in going 1,000 mph with all this information or lack there-of. My counselor has said that when I ask a question, when my W answers it, that I already have 4 more questions to ask, and usually do right away. My counselor says I'm probably not absorbing the answers and the constant questioning is starting to feel like an interrogation to my wife. My W then starts to push back and gets irritated.

[Bryanp]

I am curious about your wife's mindset. What did she think would happen when she gave herself the green light to engage in this affair? What did she think would happen when you eventually found out? Why was she willing to risk her marriage, her family, her job and her lifestyle for this affair? She is begging you now to forgive her now but seriously what did she expect to happen?

[U2RockZz]

"get the evidence"...doesn't mean keeping the tabs on her from here on...i want you know the complete truth /evidence of her 14 months affair...so that you can make use of it....even if it is in working on your M(which is insane),or getting a D....

 

 

i don't know about your financial situation but try to get a post nuptial agreement....watch her reaction and fallowing events of it....yet you needed that evidence i guess....think and act with brain not with any other part

 

 

i didn't get your 4000 or 2000 part...if she is working in a close knitted group and her OM's W already knows about A she might have already told to at least 1000 of them (may be you are the last one to know)....i still have questions about the HIV....has he lied about the test....??? if so why he has to lie to that extreme...is your wife pressing him so much that he has get rid of her....again you need complete facts

Edited June 19, 2010 by U2RockZz

[kaysun]

I am curious about your wife's mindset. What did she think would happen when she gave herself the green light to engage in this affair? What did she think would happen when you eventually found out? Why was she willing to risk her marriage, her family, her job and her lifestyle for this affair? She is begging you now to forgive her now but seriously what did she expect to happen?

 

I've often wondered about the above too. I call them the, "what the hell was going thru your head" questions.

 

In all honesty (her words), she says she doesn't know what she was thinking. She says they both said that they would lose everything if it came out and both said they didn't want to lose everything over it. They both said the A wasn't worth it to lose everything they had or worked for. Those statements don't make sense to me, at all, but again, just repeating what she said.

 

I believe the affair was easy for the both of them. It was a 14 month affair yet they only saw each other 8 times, all at trade shows, during that time. They would get together late at night at the shows so no co-workers or customers saw them. Then it was back to being phone call buddies.

 

I've asked all those questions you've asked. That is where she says it was like two separate lives. She said she actually started to believe that they wouldn't get caught because of the circumstances. In 14 months my wife will swear up and down that the only $$ she spent on the A was on a tank of gas.

[kaysun]

"get the evidence"...doesn't mean keeping the tabs on her from here on...i want you know the complete truth /evidence of her 14 months affair...so that you can make use of it....even if it is in working on your M(which is insane),or getting a D....

 

 

i don't know about your financial situation but try to get a post nuptial agreement....watch her reaction and fallowing events of it....yet you needed that evidence i guess....think and act with brain not with any other part

 

 

i didn't get your 4000 or 2000 part...if she is working in a close knitted group and her OM's W already knows about A she might have already told to at least 1000 of them (may be you are the last one to know)....i still have questions about the HIV....has he lied about the test....??? if so why he has to lie to that extreme...is your wife pressing him so much that he has get rid of her....again you need complete facts

 

The 4,000 & 2,000 reference is that we live in small towns where you end up knowing lots of people. People that you don't want to know what you did. There is also very few jobs in small towns so to lose a good one is also hard.

 

I've talked to the OM's W numerous times. Once she caught the text, the A came to a screaching halt. She doesn't want people to know about the A because they are trying to reconcile their marriage and that would be even harder to do if other people knew. My wife has actually said that part of her is happy that it was found out because she couldn't keep doing it. It was in the open and she didn't have to keep living a lie.

 

The HIV test came about because the OM's W wouldn't be intimate with him until he was tested. He tested positive for HIV, called my W and told her she needed to get tested. My W came home and told me everything at that time because she felt she needed to. My W and I were doing very good for a month before I found out, kissing, holding hands, and talking a lot more. She knew I would know something was wrong if she came home, and we didn't make love, because of how good things were between us. She then told me about the A and the positive HIV. We both tested negative right away. The OM's W told me that her husband went thru full bloodwork and everything came back negative, no HIV. Doctors then figured out that tubes of blood were mixed up resulting in the positive.

[2sunny]

I've told her, in no uncertain terms, that I will divorce her and tell people of this, if she doesn't start being honest. We live in a small town (less than 4,000 people) and my wife works in a smaller town (less than 2,000 people). My wife knows that if this comes out, she will lose her job of 15 years, her image and reputation, along with our marriage and family.

 

She has said that she is "throwing herself at my feet" and that she'll abide by any boundaries that I throw at her. I've told her no traveling for business. She's already canceled going to (2) shows in the month of June and doesn't have another one scheduled until Nov. She knows that is out of the question already as I've told her already.

 

these are all words... your actions aren't in accordance with said words. she doesn't believe for a minute that you will divorce her.

 

make her quit her job! make her tell the company why! see IF she's willing to own her behavior and actions in front of anyone in order to set things right.

 

just because she's not going out of town doesn't mean she's not in contact with the MM. have you or your wife told the MM's wife? you both should. she deserves to know as much as you have learned. this will give some idea that your wife is willing to OWN HER part in this by calling his wife and being honest with her. it also gives the MM a reason to stay away from your wife.

 

tell your wife this is all part of YOUR boundary! see IF she's willing... that will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not she's willing to be uncomfortable enough to repair what she ruined. is she willing to go to any length? we shall see. ask her! tell her what YOU require and see IF she performs...

 

if she's unwilling to do any much less ALL of it - divorce her.

[kaysun]

"get the evidence"...doesn't mean keeping the tabs on her from here on...i want you know the complete truth /evidence of her 14 months affair...so that you can make use of it....even if it is in working on your M(which is insane),or getting a D....

 

 

i don't know about your financial situation but try to get a post nuptial agreement....watch her reaction and fallowing events of it....yet you needed that evidence i guess....think and act with brain not with any other part

 

 

i didn't get your 4000 or 2000 part...if she is working in a close knitted group and her OM's W already knows about A she might have already told to at least 1000 of them (may be you are the last one to know)....i still have questions about the HIV....has he lied about the test....??? if so why he has to lie to that extreme...is your wife pressing him so much that he has get rid of her....again you need complete facts

 

I'll also say I've talked to my W about a post nupital agreement. I asked if she would give me full custody of the kids if she had another A. She said she would. The only problem is that post nuptial agreements are only valid, and don't pertain to child custody, in that they're not done in a "time of duress". Doing a post-nupital after an A would make it "null and void" or so I'm told.

[kaysun]

these are all words... your actions aren't in accordance with said words. she doesn't believe for a minute that you will divorce her.

 

make her quit her job! make her tell the company why! see IF she's willing to own her behavior and actions in front of anyone in order to set things right.

 

just because she's not going out of town doesn't mean she's not in contact with the MM. have you or your wife told the MM's wife? you both should. she deserves to know as much as you have learned. this will give some idea that your wife is willing to OWN HER part in this by calling his wife and being honest with her. it also gives the MM a reason to stay away from your wife.

 

tell your wife this is all part of YOUR boundary! see IF she's willing... that will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not she's willing to be uncomfortable enough to repair what she ruined. is she willing to go to any length? we shall see. ask her! tell her what YOU require and see IF she performs...

 

if she's unwilling to do any much less ALL of it - divorce her.

 

The OM's W knows everything. She knew it before I did and she's keeping tabs on her H. I've written a couple of posts already about that.

 

I threatened divorce right away when I found out. My W went to see a lawyer about her rights. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't be able to take the kids away from her. Her lawyer has said that if I sent an email to all her co-workers telling of the A, it would look bad for me, in the eyes of the court. If she lost her job because I told her company, it would create a hardship for the kids because of lost income.

 

My wife has said that she'll tell anyone that I want her to tell and that includes work and family. I still haven't made a decision of what I want, but if I do decide to try to reconcile, I'd rather people not know.

[2sunny]

The OM's W knows everything. She knew it before I did and she's keeping tabs on her H. I've written a couple of posts already about that.

 

I threatened divorce right away when I found out. My W went to see a lawyer about her rights. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't be able to take the kids away from her. Her lawyer has said that if I sent an email to all her co-workers telling of the A, it would look bad for me, in the eyes of the court. If she lost her job because I told her company, it would create a hardship for the kids because of lost income.

 

My wife has said that she'll tell anyone that I want her to tell and that includes work and family. I still haven't made a decision of what I want, but if I do decide to try to reconcile, I'd rather people not know.

 

 

"threatening" is totally different than taking action. she still doesn't believe you because you haven't made her uncomfortable enough.

 

i understand now the MM W knows - so you have little bargaining power to make her uncomfortable.

 

she's looking for her comfort zone t every turn - and you are helping her find it - so you can expect very little to change.

[kaysun]

"threatening" is totally different than taking action. she still doesn't believe you because you haven't made her uncomfortable enough.

 

i understand now the MM W knows - so you have little bargaining power to make her uncomfortable.

 

she's looking for her comfort zone t every turn - and you are helping her find it - so you can expect very little to change.

 

 

I'll take any advice you have to offer. What do you think I should do?

[U2RockZz]

i would like to have expert advise on that....get a lawyer advise see how it works....here in my country i can have a post nuptial agreement at any point of time during the M(which covers only financial aspect)...

 

"Doing a post-nupital after an A would make it "null and void""

is there any evidence that proves that you knew about the affair...come on man you can do better than that

[U2RockZz]

if her A was ended in jan(as she put it)...thats when OM's W found about the affair....so these HIV tests took 6 months or what...when was he tested...??? do not tell what your told to you....do you know exactly what happened....why don't you just talk to his wife

[2sunny]

if her A was ended in jan(as she put it)...thats when OM's W found about the affair....so these HIV tests took 6 months or what...when was he tested...??? do not tell what your told to you....do you know exactly what happened....why don't you just talk to his wife

 

i agree - call the MM's wife directly. ask her what SHE knows. see if the info aligns with what your W has said. your W should have NO problem with this IF she has been honest about all timelines and details.

 

IF she roadblocks anything YOU need to know and how you will get the info - she is still lying!

 

IF she needs to delay you calling - when you ask to call NOW - it means she needs time to call her MM and cover up even more.

[imagine]

I advise that you begin an e-mail letter with your wife.

 

Give her a list of the questions that you would like her to answer. Let her answer in writing. This method removes pressure on her to see your expressions. Keep your personal interactions to a limited period -say twenty minutes a day. Do not vent. This will not help your cause.

 

It would be well that she diaries her affair. Decide now if you want to hear all the gory details or the censored version.

 

Vent your anger here or on a boxing bag. Know this, if the anger phase has not struck now -it will later. Do not release it in front of her or your family. You are traumatized -don't traumatize them!

[jnj express]

Post---Nup is valid---if you have her sign a duress clause----then take it to a notary----child support will not figure in ---but you can set up a property split, where she takes little or nothing----also alimony doesn't figure in here, as she already works

 

I guess the Karma Bus got her after all----You are getting excellent advise----just stay with a very hard line approach---remember no matter how she is acting she murdered your mge., and family--, no matter what no one in your family will ever be the same----carefree days are gone forever-----there has to be some form of punishment for this---as long as it is not abusive

 

Set very STRONG boundaries, with consequences you WILL/CAN act on---stay strong

[Darth Vader]

I hope I am wrong but it sounds like your wife is in total damage control mode.

 

1. She had no intention of stopping the sexual affair (of course she is going to tell you the sex was bland) and it only ended because they got caught. She clearly had no intention of telling you or stopping it.

2. It lasted for 14 months which is a very long time for her to be constantly lying and cheating on you.

3. She said she always loved you but clearly did not have problems continuing to cheat on you for her love of conversation?

4. She loved you so much (sic) that she had no problem engaging in sex without any sort of protection putting your health at risk for STD's. She never thought about using a condom? What does this say about her total disrespect and humiliation of you.

5. Her love for you has now put you life at risk for HIV. You will have to continue to be tested because it stays dormant for a period of time.

 

If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be so accepting as you. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She said she never wanted to lose you or divorce you but engaged in these activities nevertheless for 14 months. Maybe she meant she never wanted to lose her lifestyle and status while sleeping with her lover and playing you for a fool. I am sorry but her actions do not match her words.

 

I am sorry my friend but she is clearly in damage control mode. Apparently it was quite easy for her to continue to lie to you for 14 months. How can you possibly believe anything she says now or in the future since she is such a superb liar and has an ability to put such a spin on her activities to minimize her actions.. Her actions indicated that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

 

I agree, Listen to this man! If she cheated once and put your health at risk, she'll do it again!