Wife had an affair - have questions

[Binster]

Juust wonderd what advice the lawyer gave you in the event of a divorce regarding kids and house etc.

Has she tried to change jobs yet, you said she was looking for a knew one.

[turnera]

They never worked together in the sense that they are under the same building working for the same company. The OM works for a vendor of my wife's company. All correspondence has been shifted over to another person within the company.

I don't see why you'd want to notify her work then, unless he's still harassing her.

[Steadfast]

Some might say it boils down to trust. I'll ask this, do you even want to try? Are you prepared to go through all of what's needed to regain it? Questions:

 

-Do you really LOVE HER? Do you feel the pull when you look at her?

-Does she love you, or is she just afraid of the unknown?

-What's changed (besides infidelity) in your marriage to prevent a repeat?

-Are you more angry than sad? Or more sad than angry?

-What kind of life do you want?

-Most important: What is your gut telling you?

 

I firmly believe that marriage can survive this, but its rare. It takes a total transformation of the cheater and incredible love/patience from the betrayed.

 

Some have what it takes. Do you and your wife?

[dprtman09]

You're right "2"! It took my W over a year to open up completely after the A. But, now that she has, we only discuss it on rare occasion and only in the light of not ending up where we could have. She had a friend who recently left her husband and her OM for another OM. If it weren't for that "friend", we would have never known how bad off we could have been. Her exposure to that person really brought everything out into the open. Since then, we know the value of our M.

[dprtman09]

seems she's only remorseful about getting caught. she can say anything she wants - mostly what she thinks you need to hear... that still doesn't set things straight if she's not willing to be honest with herself - and then with you as well... it only means the cover up is still solid as long as you don't find out what her true feelings were/are - and what she's willing to do/not do to insure that SHE never considers this as HER option again.

 

i honestly don't think she's had enough consequences from you.

 

what are her actions that show she's willing to never do this again. how much transparency is she willing to give you? has she quit her job? changed her number? closed her facebook page etc? given passwords to EVERYTHING she has, including work, and secret email accounts etc? if she's unwilling to do ANYTHING you require - she's still wondering in the back of her mind IF she can leave some small trail for her OM to contact her sometime in her future...

 

Please look on page 11 for my reply. I posted it wrong.

[dprtman09]

I guess I never thought of it that way. She also say's she couldn't do it to me again but she does say she couldn't do it to herself. I thought that answer made sense to me but now I'm not sure. I know I wouldn't do something that would hurt me and I do believe my wife has been hurt by her affair. You've given me another thing to think about.

 

My W said she couldn't go through it any more. She also said that the pain she caused me was the reason why. She regretted putting me and the OM through it. She realized that she had all the power and we had none. That's when she had to make the decision to drop the OM and save our marriage. Does this perhaps pull things together?

[dprtman09]

Look, you want to know if she actually loves you right?

 

Get a lawyer and draft up the most 1 sided divorce possible... Take everything, the house, all cars, full custody, don't even leave her clothes. Then tell her to sign it and you will stay to work things out... and she will have to TRUST YOU. If things work out... remarry her.

 

Just tossing that out as an idea.

 

I would tell her that if she really loves you and wants you to stay.

 

 

 

I kind of agree with you... kind of not.

 

Fact is that the ball is in HER court. It was HER affair SHE needs to get off her a$$ and fix it. If he is struggling it's because she isn't putting in the work.

 

And... I officially object to you using your marriage as a success story just because your still together.

 

WHAT THE H*** OTHER SUCCESS STORY IS THERE? IT'S JUST REALITY THAT AN M CAN SURVIVE AND THAT SEEMS TO BE WHAT SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU.

[dprtman09]

I'm looking for some help,

 

 

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for six. We have two young children, ages 5 and 3. I found out about five weeks ago that my wife had a 14 month affair. This affair was with a MM that also has two young kids. My wife and the OM don't work together but both their companies work closely together, (vendor / supplier). They started out talking about work and then it escalated. My W and the OM both travel for work and would be with each other at trade shows around the country.

 

 

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time. We both tested negative and his was actually a “false positive”.

 

 

I could tell for the 14 months that something was amiss but I trusted my W and didn't think she would do this. I will also say that Jan. thru the first part of April was really bad (fighting) but the month before I found out we were really doing good.

 

 

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

 

After browsing this thread I think it's safe to say, yes. Been there, done that. Many of the posters are familiar to me. Many make perfect sense in their own contexts. This is a great way to endlessly discuss what bothers you without fear of reprisal, so it is therapy. Therefore, keep being here until you don't need to be any more. I did and it helped. Ultimately, you will have to break away and think for yourself. When that happens, all of your questions will be answered in YOUR context. Then you will be able to make decisions for the M again and not just for yourself. Hopefully, she will reach the same plateau. If not, then you're in for a long haul.

[Untouchable_Fire]

No, not yet. She's scared to notify them. She has 15 years in and knows she'll lose her job. The OM will also lose his job. The OM's W is a SAHM so they'll really take a hit.

I've threatened to send emails to all her co-workers outlining what happened but I'm concerned of the consequences of that action. I'm concerned it will come back on me in a bad way thru the courts.

 

So long as she is willing to give you 110% access to everything in order to prove no more contact between her and the OM.... also to show she isn't working on another guy... don't tell the company.

 

Not just for her, but for your children. The loss of income would hurt them too.

 

But, if she refuses to give you access... you may not have choices.

 

It'll be 3 years in September.

 

Congratulations! Your doing better than I thought.

 

You still have a long way to go, and your attitude will be a great detriment.

 

It's not sticking up FOR her. It's just making the point that it can be done. People have changed & have made decisions to Never Again be in a situation like that. I know that after such an "event" in one's marriage - after the devistation & the dust has settled........She can (just like me) say NEVER AGAIN & mean it & stick to it.

He can either give her the benefit of the doubt & see if the marriage works. Or he can chuck the whole thing & be gone! 2 choices. The same 2 choices everyone has when this happens.

 

For what it's worth... I think your POV is very valuable in this particular thread.

 

I will never understand why an affair (or the aftermath) has to be as drama filled as this. Tell everybody that will listen........For what purpose?

Anyway, it sounds as if you've already made your mind up. Guess that beats sitting on the fence.

 

Don't be silly. I didn't ask that question to stir drama.

 

You've run across my posts for years... you should know that my top concern in these situations is consequences.

 

Nobody respects a doormat. You of all people should know this.

[confusedinkansas]

Don't be silly. I didn't ask that question to stir drama.

Oh, that wasn't directed specifically at you - It was more of an across the board statement. Many posters here believe that you must tell every single person that will listen to your story. I just think it's pointless to do that. I don't think it's necessary to put your personal Marital burden on others - & I don't get involved in other peoples drama filled lives/marriages either.

 

For what it's worth... I think your POV is very valuable in this particular thread.

Thank You

 

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself. Forgiving yourself (her) after something like this is very difficult!!! (my husband has helped me immensely with this one)

This to me SCREAMS.........."I'M TRYING! I don't want to make this mistake again. I don't want to hurt YOU again. I don't want to lose the marriage."

 

The ball really is in your court. She can try all she can. And, in reality, that's all she can do. But if you decide you're not going to move forward with the marriage, then what's the point in her trying? Many here have said - "If you're in love with your OM then leave your marriage & give your spouse the opportunity to move on with their life" - Well the other side of that coin, as I see it, If you have made the decision not to stay, then just leave now. Fence Sitting SUCKS!

[kaysun]

Oh, that wasn't directed specifically at you - It was more of an across the board statement. Many posters here believe that you must tell every single person that will listen to your story. I just think it's pointless to do that. I don't think it's necessary to put your personal Marital burden on others - & I don't get involved in other peoples drama filled lives/marriages either.

 

 

Thank You

 

 

This to me SCREAMS.........."I'M TRYING! I don't want to make this mistake again. I don't want to hurt YOU again. I don't want to lose the marriage."

 

The ball really is in your court. She can try all she can. And, in reality, that's all she can do. But if you decide you're not going to move forward with the marriage, then what's the point in her trying? Many here have said - "If you're in love with your OM then leave your marriage & give your spouse the opportunity to move on with their life" - Well the other side of that coin, as I see it, If you have made the decision not to stay, then just leave now. Fence Sitting SUCKS!

 

Fence sitting does suck. I wished she would of made a decision during the A also, him or me, not both. Everything I thought or knew about my M was flipped upside down 11 weeks ago. I don't know what to think or do.

 

May I ask what your husband did to help you forgive yourself?

[confusedinkansas]

May I ask what your husband did to help you forgive yourself?

 

Well, dispite all of our many issues spanning 7 or so years, he was just understanding. Deep down he's a gentle soul. Whenever I mentioned the affair, he'd not harp on anything. I needed to talk about it more than he did. He asked his few questions & we've pretty much just gotten on with our lives.

Even now - as my OM is still trying to contact me randomly - I tell my husband & he just rolls his eyes, says the guy is an idiot & tells me to continue to ignore him. Which is what I've done. He responds the way he does - I know - Because he trusts me. He believes me when I say NEVER AGAIN. We are 2 totally diffrerent personalities. I let things like this brew. He doesn't.

I'm not sure at this point that I have completely forgiven myself. But I do feel better about things between he & I. Maybe those of us who have cheated never forgive ourselves for putting our loved ones thru this. We just learn to live with it & move on with our lives. If we'd have both crawled under rocks when it happened, who's to say we wouldn't both be living in padded rooms now. We've moved on!! :) .....I'm happy to say!

[Snowflower]

Fence sitting does suck. I wished she would of made a decision during the A also, him or me, not both. Everything I thought or knew about my M was flipped upside down 11 weeks ago. I don't know what to think or do.

 

 

 

kaysun, I know this was directed to CIK...

 

It's only been 11 weeks...of course your marriage and life are flipped upside down. Please give yourself time...I think you're expecting too much from yourself too soon.

 

I've read advice that says the BS "should" wait 6 months to a year before making a decision about the future of the marriage. While I don't believe in one-size-fits-all approaches to emotional matters, it does make sense to wait until emotions settle before making a big decision. OTOH, sometimes people know immediately that they will never be able to live with what happened (infidelity by their spouse).

 

From your posts, it appears to me that you are unsure of what you should do. One part of you is crushed and wants to walk right now and yet there is another part that really wants to make your marriage work. IMHO, I think you need to give this some more time.

[Dexter Morgan]

Fence sitting does suck. I wished she would of made a decision during the A also, him or me, not both. Everything I thought or knew about my M was flipped upside down 11 weeks ago. I don't know what to think or do.

 

May I ask what your husband did to help you forgive yourself?

 

because this was a reply to CIC, let me ask you this.

 

What would you do if your wife told you she was not remorseful or that she doesn't regret her affair?

[kaysun]

kaysun, I know this was directed to CIK...

 

It's only been 11 weeks...of course your marriage and life are flipped upside down. Please give yourself time...I think you're expecting too much from yourself too soon.

 

I've read advice that says the BS "should" wait 6 months to a year before making a decision about the future of the marriage. While I don't believe in one-size-fits-all approaches to emotional matters, it does make sense to wait until emotions settle before making a big decision. OTOH, sometimes people know immediately that they will never be able to live with what happened (infidelity by their spouse).

 

From your posts, it appears to me that you are unsure of what you should do. One part of you is crushed and wants to walk right now and yet there is another part that really wants to make your marriage work. IMHO, I think you need to give this some more time.

 

You're right. I'm split very much between walking and staying. I want to know what to do NOW!! I feel stuck.

 

I keep hammering my wife with questions and asking why and she's getting frustrated with it. She wants to move forward and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She says it hurts her more and more to hear the things that she did. I hate doing it but it's like I can't stop.

[kaysun]

because this was a reply to CIC, let me ask you this.

 

What would you do if your wife told you she was not remorseful or that she doesn't regret her affair?

 

I'd walk, no question about it. My wife has said all the right things, apologized and has been an open book. She says whatever I need, she'll do. I've seen her break down and cry for what she has done to me and our family. If she didn't do those things, I wouldn't be able to stay.

[kaysun]

When do you get to a point that you don't need to ask questions? I've asked my wife every question I can think of. Hundreds of questions and she's answered them all. There are some I wished she would of lied about, after she answered, because I didn't want to hear the truth. I wished I wouldn't of even asked the question now but that's too late. I wish I could stop making every night a verbal assault of questions.

[turnera]

Have you gone to therapy yet?

[Snowflower]

You're right. I'm split very much between walking and staying. I want to know what to do NOW!! I feel stuck.

 

I keep hammering my wife with questions and asking why and she's getting frustrated with it. She wants to move forward and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She says it hurts her more and more to hear the things that she did. I hate doing it but it's like I can't stop.

 

Trust me, everything that you're feeling and doing is completely normal!

 

When you say that you want to know what to do NOW, could it be that you are thinking that if you knew what you wanted to do, that it would help ease the pain? In other words, if you could just make a decision, then the pain would start to fade? I don't think it works that way.

 

Just some food for thought: Even if you decide to divorce your wife tomorrow, you will still need to deal with your immense pain in a way that works for YOU. Sometimes people assume that by cutting their CS out of their life, that it will cut out the pain. But it doesn't work that way especially since you have children together. You will still have to see your ex?wife when you deal with child-rearing matters.

 

 

As for your hammering your wife with questions, you are trying to make sense of what she did (it will never make sense). Perfectly understandable. I can understand her frustration, but that's too bad for her.

 

Cheating spouses NEVER will understand just how bad it hurts, unless it was done to them. Unfortunately, that is just the way it is and perhaps this is why your wife is saying that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She knows she hurt you but she will never understand just how much. She probably doesn't know what else to do when you keep asking her questions. (not defending your wife at all, just explaining what her thoughts might be)

 

Again, unfortunately this is part of the process for you and your wife needs to understand this.

 

I can't remember...are you going to any type of counseling, either separately or as a couple or both?

[Snowflower]

When do you get to a point that you don't need to ask questions? I've asked my wife every question I can think of. Hundreds of questions and she's answered them all. There are some I wished she would of lied about, after she answered, because I didn't want to hear the truth. I wished I wouldn't of even asked the question now but that's too late. I wish I could stop making every night a verbal assault of questions.

 

You will likely do this for a long time to come. The repeated questions from you, the BS, are a way to establish if your wife is telling the truth and a way for you to try to make sense of the situation.

 

IMO, you need to ask questions as long as you feel it is necessary. Every BS goes through the endless questions phase and it is vital to your own recovery and healing. I would ask my H the same questions over and over. Sometimes I would ask the same question in different ways or in different contexts trying to trip him up--if he was lying. I did this for months.

 

Has your wife been consistent with her answers to your questions? Do you have a way to follow up on your own whether or not she is telling the truth?

[Dexter Morgan]

I'd walk, no question about it. .

 

if so, then there are certain bits of advice here that you can take with a grain of salt, if you are following me.

 

but sounds like walking is highly on your mind, and if its on your mind, I suggest that you do just that. life will be better without having to stay with a cheater.

 

but if you stay with a cheater, you just will never be at peace....might be status quo someday, but never truly at peace.

 

life is too short.........walk

[Dexter Morgan]

I keep hammering my wife with questions and asking why and she's getting frustrated with it.

 

then she obviously doesn't care about the hurt she has caused you.

 

 

She wants to move forward and doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

 

oh but of course....meanwhile you are the one that gets to carry the hurt and uncertainty around.

 

of course she wants to bury this and wants you to just deal with it.

[Snowflower]

if so, then there are certain bits of advice here that you can take with a grain of salt, if you are following me.

 

 

 

That's pretty rude, Dex, considering that my advice is the most recent advice to kaysun on the thread.

 

I'm a BS too, or did you forget that?

[confusedinkansas]

When do you get to a point that you don't need to ask questions? .

 

My guess would be when you start asking the same questions over & over - & maybe hoping for a different answer. If she's consistant in her answers, why ask the same questions? I'm just wondering. And as far as the 'hammering' goes - Not sure what you mean by that - but hammering her isn't going to make things better either. Just my opinion.

 

I suggest that you do just that. life will be better without having to stay with a cheater - life is too short.........walk

Just because it worked for you Dex does not mean that it works for everyone in every situation. Everyone's relationship is different.

 

then she obviously doesn't care about the hurt she has caused you.

He's already said that she does care a great deal that she hurt him as badly as she has.

 

Yes, Kaysun - I did say here that I do not feel remorseful for my affair. But I have also explained COUNTLESS times Why I don't. Just because someone is not remorseful for something like this, does not mean that they will do it again. - Besides that, your wife has not said she is not remorseful. - So, DEX....it's a moot point.

[kaysun]

Trust me, everything that you're feeling and doing is completely normal!

 

When you say that you want to know what to do NOW, could it be that you are thinking that if you knew what you wanted to do, that it would help ease the pain? In other words, if you could just make a decision, then the pain would start to fade? I don't think it works that way.

 

Just some food for thought: Even if you decide to divorce your wife tomorrow, you will still need to deal with your immense pain in a way that works for YOU. Sometimes people assume that by cutting their CS out of their life, that it will cut out the pain. But it doesn't work that way especially since you have children together. You will still have to see your ex?wife when you deal with child-rearing matters.

 

 

As for your hammering your wife with questions, you are trying to make sense of what she did (it will never make sense). Perfectly understandable. I can understand her frustration, but that's too bad for her.

 

Cheating spouses NEVER will understand just how bad it hurts, unless it was done to them. Unfortunately, that is just the way it is and perhaps this is why your wife is saying that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She knows she hurt you but she will never understand just how much. She probably doesn't know what else to do when you keep asking her questions. (not defending your wife at all, just explaining what her thoughts might be)

 

Again, unfortunately this is part of the process for you and your wife needs to understand this.

 

I can't remember...are you going to any type of counseling, either separately or as a couple or both?

 

There is part of me that feels if I made a decision, I could start healing, or at least feel something different.

 

We're both going to IC and MC. My wife actually started in March, a couple of months before I found out about the A. She said she went to find out what is wrong with her. To find out how she could do this.