Wife had an affair - have questions

[kaysun]

My guess would be when you start asking the same questions over & over - & maybe hoping for a different answer. If she's consistant in her answers, why ask the same questions? I'm just wondering. And as far as the 'hammering' goes - Not sure what you mean by that - but hammering her isn't going to make things better either. Just my opinion.

 

 

Just because it worked for you Dex does not mean that it works for everyone in every situation. Everyone's relationship is different.

 

He's already said that she does care a great deal that she hurt him as badly as she has.

 

Yes, Kaysun - I did say here that I do not feel remorseful for my affair. But I have also explained COUNTLESS times Why I don't. Just because someone is not remorseful for something like this, does not mean that they will do it again. - Besides that, your wife has not said she is not remorseful. - So, DEX....it's a moot point.

 

I have asked the same questions over and over. I also ask the same question a little different way trying to catch her in a lie. It's like I want her to trip up so I can catch her. I also, more so, want all the answers to be the same, time and time again. No variation, no differences.

 

When I say "hammering" I just mean I ask a lot of questions over a long period of time. I've asked questions for hours on end. I just want to understand how you can tell someone you love them and still do this? How you couldn't stop it when you said you wanted it to stop? Why? Why? Why?

[confusedinkansas]

 

We're both going to IC and MC. My wife actually started in March, a couple of months before I found out about the A. She said she went to find out what is wrong with her. To find out how she could do this.

 

Doesn't that tell you anything about her & what her intentions are?

[Snowflower]

There is part of me that feels if I made a decision, I could start healing, or at least feel something different.

 

I understand completely. Just don't feel that you have to rush your decision in hopes that it will make you feel better. It will be on your own timeframe and you will eventually know what the right decision is for you.

 

We're both going to IC and MC. My wife actually started in March, a couple of months before I found out about the A. She said she went to find out what is wrong with her. To find out how she could do this.

 

This, to me, is huge. It shows that your wife was trying to figure out how to do the right thing. IMO, many WS have conflict-avoidance issues and lack self-awareness to some extent..it's what leads them to have an affair.

 

The fact that your W is trying to figure out her own issues and did this on her own speaks well of her. No matter what happens to the marriage the two of you have, she is taking the initiative to learn from her mistakes and become a better person.

 

I think both of you are taking the right approach for the time being.

[U2RockZz]

she knows how to deceive you....how to cover her tracks her tracks for 14 months ....how to lie and let you believe that you have gr8 R.....but she doesn't know why she did it....that's really a moot point....she did it cuz she can,will do it again if she can...it's as simple as that..

[confusedinkansas]

she knows how to deceive you....how to cover her tracks her tracks for 14 months ....how to lie and let you believe that you have gr8 R.....but she doesn't know why she did it....that's really a moot point....she did it cuz she can,will do it again if she can...it's as simple as that..

 

Yes, all of your statements are right - Right up to the point where you say "will do it again if she can" If life was as cut & dry as you make it out to be & every single relationship was the same.....well we'd all be doomed.

 

Kaysun - not everyone that has an affair does it over & over & over again.......'Because They Can' - More than we think NEVER go there again. Your wife could very well be that person. It's your decision - Do you give her a chance? Or - Do you throw away however many years you've been together?

[spriggig]

I wish I could stop making every night a verbal assault of questions.

 

I suggest you write the questions down that you have asked so far with her answers. Do this for yourself to see how it all fits together. Do this to find the questions you still need answers to.

 

Also, set a rule with her that you won't ask every night but maybe every third night, save the questions and think about them--make sure you need to know and refer to your list to make sure it's not a repeat or virtually a repeat of a previous question. Only ask the questions you have "scheduled" for that night and save the followup questions for the next session--again make sure you need to know and make sure she hasn't already answered the followup questions before.

 

She is working with you and you have time, you need to make progress but you could probably slow down a bit for both of your sakes.

[U2RockZz]

Yes, all of your statements are right - Right up to the point where you say "will do it again if she can" If life was as cut & dry as you make it out to be & every single relationship was the same.....well we'd all be doomed.

 

 

 

from your thread you cheated with the same man twice....strangely your H doesn't even know about second time.....if he knows he wouldn't be there i guess....is there any limit to your justification

[confusedinkansas]

from your thread you cheated with the same man twice....strangely your H doesn't even know about second time.....if he knows he wouldn't be there i guess....is there any limit to your justification

Your guess would be wrong.

If you were to read other posts - Yes, cheated, same guy - two times. With about an 8 or 9 month break. We still would email from time to time. It wasn't total NC. I also saw him during my separation. Not to continue the affair - just as friends. (which my husband is fully aware of)

I justify taking up for his wife - Or better yet - Giving him another point of view because I have been there - on a smaller level.

Most posters refuse to look at the other side of the coin. "They Cheated....Off With Their Heads" - I'm just here to give the other point of view. Hers & the fact that marriages DO survive this. Every single day!

[Dexter Morgan]

That's pretty rude, Dex, considering that my advice is the most recent advice to kaysun on the thread.

 

I'm a BS too, or did you forget that?

 

i wasn't referring to you

[U2RockZz]

"which my husband is fully aware of"

 

oh, then you might have lied in your previous threads.....but you wrote around 20 pages about how you can't leave , how much you were in love with him(om) , how your H is inconsiderate bastard , how you fooled your H while separation.and how you told him half truths....so you lied in all those posts....

Edited July 28, 2010 by U2RockZz

[Dexter Morgan]

Just because it worked for you Dex does not mean that it works for everyone in every situation. Everyone's relationship is different.

 

same could be said about your advice.

 

he already is saying he is leaning towards walking, I'm letting him know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and friends await.

 

 

He's already said that she does care a great deal that she hurt him as badly as she has.

 

if that were really true, she wouldn't be getting frustrated with him and understand that he is hurting because of her.

 

If I were to eff someone over, and they were having a hard time with it, I'd feel pretty damn dumb if I were to get mad over the reaction of the person is screwed over.

 

 

Yes, Kaysun - I did say here that I do not feel remorseful for my affair. But I have also explained COUNTLESS times Why I don't. Just because someone is not remorseful for something like this, does not mean that they will do it again. -

 

its irrelevant whether your think you'll do it again or not. if someone said, "I cheated on you, but don't regret it"....anyone would have to be out of their mind to keep that person. unless you didn't tell the person you effed over how you REALLY feel about the affair.

 

 

Besides that, your wife has not said she is not remorseful. - So, DEX....it's a moot point.

 

no, the point was is that the advice was coming from someone that has the view of non-regret, so of course you are going to go to bat for his betrayer.

[Dexter Morgan]

She said she went to find out what is wrong with her. To find out how she could do this.

 

Doesn't that tell you anything about her & what her intentions are?

 

 

it tells me how full of it she is. its a bulls##t answer. To find out how she could do this? oh puuulease. that answer smacks of "I'm so innocent and there had to be some outside force that made me cheat." get real.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm just here to give the other point of view. Hers & the fact that marriages DO survive this. Every single day!

 

what is surviving? is surviving coming to a point where the BS simply doesn't think about what the cheater did on a daily basis and can function? maybe even have some sort of relationship again with the cheating spouse.....but still have painful triggers now and then?

 

sorry, I don't call that surviving, I call it settling. You can say your marriage has survivied because you were the one betrayed with a physical affair, but the betrayer. And also your husband seems to have a could-give-a-crap attitude....about anything really.

Because the way you describe things, if he doesn't get at least the slightest bit concerned how you handle your OM with kid gloves, then I'd say he just doesn't really care what happens one way or the other.

[Untouchable_Fire]

.

I'm not sure at this point that I have completely forgiven myself. But I do feel better about things between he & I. Maybe those of us who have cheated never forgive ourselves for putting our loved ones thru this. We just learn to live with it & move on with our lives.

 

I didn't want my marriage... and I'm glad every day it's over. I still can't tell if I have forgiven myself for cheating. It goes against everything I believe I am.

 

You're right. I'm split very much between walking and staying. I want to know what to do NOW!! I feel stuck.

I keep hammering my wife with questions and asking why and she's getting frustrated with it. She wants to move forward and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She says it hurts her more and more to hear the things that she did. I hate doing it but it's like I can't stop.

 

Your trying to make her feel your pain. She can't... and it wont get you anywhere.

 

The only way would be to have an affair yourself, and unless your one of those guys that has to have everything 100% fair... that won't make you feel better. I promise you it won't.

 

When do you get to a point that you don't need to ask questions? I've asked my wife every question I can think of. Hundreds of questions and she's answered them all. There are some I wished she would of lied about, after she answered, because I didn't want to hear the truth. I wished I wouldn't of even asked the question now but that's too late. I wish I could stop making every night a verbal assault of questions.

 

I think if you really search yourself you will understand why you do this. I think in some way you want to share your pain... and you want to know how it could happen.

 

Kaysun - not everyone that has an affair does it over & over & over again.......'Because They Can' - More than we think NEVER go there again. Your wife could very well be that person. It's your decision - Do you give her a chance? Or - Do you throw away however many years you've been together?

 

Consequences.... he has to provide them somehow. It will make him feel better and her understand that he isn't Captain Doormat.

 

"which my husband is fully aware of"

oh, then you might have lied in your previous threads.....but you wrote around 20 pages about how you can't leave , how much you were in love with him(om) , how your H is inconsiderate bastard , how you fooled your H while separation.and how you told him half truths....so you lied in all those posts....

 

While I understand it's important for Kaysun do understand where CIK is coming from... I think he should have a good idea at this point.

 

Best to just leave this topic alone for the moment.

[turnera]

it tells me how full of it she is. its a bulls##t answer. To find out how she could do this? oh puuulease. that answer smacks of "I'm so innocent and there had to be some outside force that made me cheat." get real.

Lots of people make bad decisions, all the while KNOWING they are making bad decisions. Look at dieters who sneak food. Addicts who get one more fix. They hate themselves for doing something wrong, yet they do it. People are weak. Some people are weak.

[confusedinkansas]

There's no point here in my getting into arguements back & forth with posters here that continue to want to THREAD JACK & bash me. Apparently all of my previous posts will always come back to haunt me. (Even if they are taken out of context & mis-quoted - FREQUENTLY)

 

Kaysun - I'm just trying to point out that there are other sides of this scenario. The world is not black & white & those that think that every single relationship is the same, well, they are TOTALLY off base.

Taking your time to make your decision is probably the best thing you can do. Try to figure out what you want. If you can't stand to look at her another day, then get out. If you think that it just may work out - Then stick around & see if it does.

[kaysun]

Lots of people make bad decisions, all the while KNOWING they are making bad decisions. Look at dieters who sneak food. Addicts who get one more fix. They hate themselves for doing something wrong, yet they do it. People are weak. Some people are weak.

 

My wife has said this over and over. She said she was terribly weak and couldn't end it. She didn't want to be there, knew it was wrong, and yet still couldn't make it come to a stop. She has said she would cry, with him there, afterwards because of how bad she felt. I'll be honest, those are hard statements to believe.

[Snowflower]

My wife has said this over and over. She said she was terribly weak and couldn't end it. She didn't want to be there, knew it was wrong, and yet still couldn't make it come to a stop. She has said she would cry, with him there, afterwards because of how bad she felt. I'll be honest, those are hard statements to believe.

 

It sounds like she is being truthful but IMO, this is still hard for a BS to hear. I would be asking, "you knew it was wrong, you say you didn't like it (whatever "IT" is), so why didn't you take steps to stop it? Why did you keep going back?"

 

An "I don't know" wouldn't be a good enough response for me either.

 

This is something she probably needs to sort out alone, in therapy maybe, and then come back to you with an answer. It will then be up to you, kaysun, to decide if her answer is enough...

[kaysun]

It sounds like she is being truthful but IMO, this is still hard for a BS to hear. I would be asking, "you knew it was wrong, you say you didn't like it (whatever "IT" is), so why didn't you take steps to stop it? Why did you keep going back?"

 

An "I don't know" wouldn't be a good enough response for me either.

 

This is something she probably needs to sort out alone, in therapy maybe, and then come back to you with an answer. It will then be up to you, kaysun, to decide if her answer is enough...

 

She has said she thought she loved him when she was "wrapped up" in it. She didn't want to lose me but at the same time didn't want to lose him.

[jnj express]

Hey KS----you are getting opinion after opinion, and they hit the full range of everything

 

Bottom line----you and only you will decide your future----No one walks in your shoes except you

 

Can you live knowing what you know---can you have sex, with this woman again, knowing what she has done, can you talk to her on any level, not knowing whether she is really telling the truth or not, can you handle having her go away to shows again, knowing she can't control herself, can you continue to live in an atmosphere of distrust, looking over your shoulder, with haunting visions triggered by various things.

 

Can/Do you want to live like this---to make the R. work it basically is a 2 to 5 yr. process----nothing is gonna happen quickly----you will go thru all the stages a betrayed spouse goes thru

 

Your wife is now all of a sudden your loving wife, and wants this and that----You need to get to the bottom of why NOW your wife wants back into the family, when for 15 months she had nothing on her mind but wanting the other man----and believe me--no matter what she says--she wanted him---she was in love with him----you do not keep someone around for 15 months and NOT be in love with them.

 

Biggest problem I have with your wife's BS is that she loves her kids----what kind of love is it that takes away their carefree, feel good life, their peace of mind, is gone---now they live in a tension filled charged atmosphere, where their parents are unhappy, at each others throats, where their mother has to basically grovel, where her decisions are not now free of doubt, where they could end up pawns, in a custody game, and where they will be passed back and forth from place to place that is some kind of strande love she has shown her kids

 

Your wife cried time after time, about how guilty she felt---but it was in the other mans arms----he made her feel safe, she felt good with him----SHE DID NOT WANT HER AFFAIR TO END---

 

Can you continue to live with her knowing what you know, and under conditions that are always, charged and tension filled, with a wife that feels nothing but guilt and pity for herself, and is allegedly showing remorse----do you want to live like this for the rest of your life---for it is the rest of your life---and this is not gonna leave the dark recesses of your mind any time soon, if ever.

[Dexter Morgan]

Lots of people make bad decisions, all the while KNOWING they are making bad decisions. Look at dieters who sneak food. Addicts who get one more fix. They hate themselves for doing something wrong, yet they do it. People are weak. Some people are weak.

 

I understand that, but to say that she has to find out why she did this is plain bulls##t. She knows why she did it. She wants the appearance of being innocent while not telling kaysun the REAL reason, which she knows, why she did it......and the reason is..........she wanted it.

[Dexter Morgan]

There's no point here in my getting into arguements back & forth with posters here that continue to want to THREAD JACK & bash me. Apparently all of my previous posts will always come back to haunt me. (Even if they are taken out of context & mis-quoted - FREQUENTLY)

 

Kaysun - I'm just trying to point out that there are other sides of this scenario.

 

 

of course there are 2 sides to every scenario. but maybe it would be better received when told to him by a cheater who says they actually feel real remorse or regret over what they did.

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife has said this over and over. She said she was terribly weak and couldn't end it. She didn't want to be there, knew it was wrong, and yet still couldn't make it come to a stop.

 

this gets back to her comments of playing dumb when saying she needs to find out why she did this. She knows why.

 

She didn't want to be there, as in nobody probably really wants to be in an affair, they just like the benefits of it. She may not have wanted to be in an affair, but she liked the pleasure she got from it. Thats why it was hard to stop.

[bestplayer]

There's no point here in my getting into arguements back & forth with posters here that continue to want to THREAD JACK & bash me. Apparently all of my previous posts will always come back to haunt me. (Even if they are taken out of context & mis-quoted - FREQUENTLY)

 

Kaysun - I'm just trying to point out that there are other sides of this scenario. The world is not black & white & those that think that every single relationship is the same, well, they are TOTALLY off base.

Taking your time to make your decision is probably the best thing you can do. Try to figure out what you want. If you can't stand to look at her another day, then get out. If you think that it just may work out - Then stick around & see if it does.

There's no point here in my getting into arguements back & forth with posters here that continue to want to THREAD JACK & bash me

 

it is not your fault confusedinkansas , some people are full of negativity & bitterness . Dont worry about that .

 

 

Best of luck

[turnera]

I understand that, but to say that she has to find out why she did this is plain bulls##t. She knows why she did it. She wants the appearance of being innocent while not telling kaysun the REAL reason, which she knows, why she did it......and the reason is..........she wanted it.

How easy is it for you to admit when you screw up?