Wife had an affair - have questions

[Darth Vader]

I've always said that if she cheated on me, we would be done, no questions asked. I can honestly say it's easier to say than actually do.

 

She very well could of thought that I wouldn't leave her. I've always said I value the sanctuary of marriage, and that it means something to me. I've also said it would be very hard to leave because of the kids.

 

I asked her if she would of stayed in the roles were reversed. She said she would stay to try to make our marriage better because she loves me. She said she knows how terrible a mistake she made but the reality of losing me makes her want to try to make this work. Remember, I'm saying what she has said, not that I do or don't believe it.

 

 

Her straddling another man and riding him like a bucking bronco is NO mistake, it was intensionable!

 

And to think, all those lovey dovey days in the last month have been nothing but a LIE!

Edited June 19, 2010 by Darth Vader

[jnj express]

This was never a mistake----every one of their get-togethers WERE PLANNED---with cunning and deciet.

 

Do not let her tell you she doesn't know why!!----She surely knows what she was thinking each and every time----she surely knew her thought processes, about everything----including that she could probably lose her mge., her husband., and cause great pain to her kids----Knowing all of this did she stop-----NO

 

She is lying to you about everything----maybe some of it to make you hurt less----but most of it to cover for what she has done

 

His wife doesn't intercept that text----THIS AFFAIR WOULD STILL BE GOING ON-----she says she tried to end it------Tell me was she ever able to say NO to you about various things-----Yet she couldn't say NO to a stranger who she knew was helping her wreck the lives of everyone around her.

 

The other thing I find really mindblowing is that she was willing to do all this and the sex was unprotected------For a period of time there , you probably thought you were gonna have HIV----HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?????

 

I am sad to say, kids or not, this mge., should come to an end---she can grovel all she wants-----Nobody in your family will ever be the same.

 

Do you for one minute think you are not gonna trigger again, and again, and again-----Do you think the visions of her with another man inside her, are just gonna go away. Do you think you will ever trust her again---knowing she is a master of deciet.

 

Do you really believe her when she says only 8 times in close to a year and a half.

 

You do what you need to do----but can you continue to live in a home with her knowing what has transpired for 14 months. that you were 2nd best----that she thought 1st of him, and how to be with him. He was always just a phone call away---didn't she say so.

 

If you want to R----you have a long hard 2 to 5 year road ahead of you, and by the way----she NEVER is allowed to get irritated, or unhappy at any reaction you have to her love affair with another man.

[2sunny]

i have to agree - i'd kick her out so fast her head would swim... but then again i did do that to my xH after 23 years. yes, he had a first chance at the ten year mark... back then, his reaction and demeanor looked much as your W is acting now.

 

he wasn't sad he did it - he was only sad he got caught. he had no intention of telling either time.

 

your W wouldn't have told you either - if he hadn't called about getting tested... doesn't THAT alone piss you off? sheeez, she would have kept it under wraps forever at your expense of wondering why she seemed "off" for all those months.

 

kick her out - making her see what she's actually done to you, the family etc. file for D if you need to. this isn't a remorseful woman - this is a woman that wants you to pretend like she never did it. IF you go along with that - you are supporting her cheating - by pretending, don't do that to yourself. you deserve your own self respect - her's? not so much... she hasn't earned ANY respect by her behaving badly - even AFTER the fact.

 

some spouses are willing to do ANYTHING to set things right within the M, family and friends. anything. yours isn't showing that willingness at all.

[tiffyb]

I'm looking for some help,

 

 

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for six. We have two young children, ages 5 and 3. I found out about five weeks ago that my wife had a 14 month affair. This affair was with a MM that also has two young kids. My wife and the OM don't work together but both their companies work closely together, (vendor / supplier). They started out talking about work and then it escalated. My W and the OM both travel for work and would be with each other at trade shows around the country.

 

 

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time. We both tested negative and his was actually a “false positive”.

 

 

I could tell for the 14 months that something was amiss but I trusted my W and didn't think she would do this. I will also say that Jan. thru the first part of April was really bad (fighting) but the month before I found out we were really doing good.

 

 

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

your situation is the same as mine but im a girl. my husband had a 14 month affair. he answers my ???s the same as your wife does. yes she sincere. u will hurt for a long time but shes telling u the truth.

[kaysun]

i agree - call the MM's wife directly. ask her what SHE knows. see if the info aligns with what your W has said. your W should have NO problem with this IF she has been honest about all timelines and details.

 

IF she roadblocks anything YOU need to know and how you will get the info - she is still lying!

 

IF she needs to delay you calling - when you ask to call NOW - it means she needs time to call her MM and cover up even more.

 

I called the MM's wife the same day I found out. I've talked to her numerous times over the last five weeks. The timelines she has given me matches what my wife has told me to a tee. My wife has been with me when I called the OM's wife a number of times and has also not been there. She has never delayed any phone calls or anything resembling that.

[kaysun]

if her A was ended in jan(as she put it)...thats when OM's W found about the affair....so these HIV tests took 6 months or what...when was he tested...??? do not tell what your told to you....do you know exactly what happened....why don't you just talk to his wife

 

 

The A was found out in Jan. The OM's W found the text that blew it open. She ended up kicking him out of the house and then when he came back to the house, she wouldn't be intimate with him until he took a test. The OM's wife took tests for STD and also HIV right away in Jan. when she found out She tested negative. He didn't get tested until May, didn't feel he needed to I guess. He tested positive (remember tests were switched at the hospital) for HIV. He then called my W to tell her what happened.

 

Everything I wrote above was told to me by my W and also the OM's W. Timelines match consistently.

[kaysun]

This was never a mistake----every one of their get-togethers WERE PLANNED---with cunning and deciet.

 

Do not let her tell you she doesn't know why!!----She surely knows what she was thinking each and every time----she surely knew her thought processes, about everything----including that she could probably lose her mge., her husband., and cause great pain to her kids----Knowing all of this did she stop-----NO

 

She is lying to you about everything----maybe some of it to make you hurt less----but most of it to cover for what she has done

 

His wife doesn't intercept that text----THIS AFFAIR WOULD STILL BE GOING ON-----she says she tried to end it------Tell me was she ever able to say NO to you about various things-----Yet she couldn't say NO to a stranger who she knew was helping her wreck the lives of everyone around her.

 

The other thing I find really mindblowing is that she was willing to do all this and the sex was unprotected------For a period of time there , you probably thought you were gonna have HIV----HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?????

 

I am sad to say, kids or not, this mge., should come to an end---she can grovel all she wants-----Nobody in your family will ever be the same.

 

Do you for one minute think you are not gonna trigger again, and again, and again-----Do you think the visions of her with another man inside her, are just gonna go away. Do you think you will ever trust her again---knowing she is a master of deciet.

 

Do you really believe her when she says only 8 times in close to a year and a half.

 

You do what you need to do----but can you continue to live in a home with her knowing what has transpired for 14 months. that you were 2nd best----that she thought 1st of him, and how to be with him. He was always just a phone call away---didn't she say so.

 

If you want to R----you have a long hard 2 to 5 year road ahead of you, and by the way----she NEVER is allowed to get irritated, or unhappy at any reaction you have to her love affair with another man.

 

I'm not disagreeing with what you've written. I've said and thought all the things you're saying to me.

 

They didn't have to plan to hard to be together. Their work took them to the same spots and the same hotels. I don't agree with it but you don't have to plan hard to see someone when you have to be there for work.

 

I don't know if I believe the only 8 times a year. It correspondes to all the trips she said it happened at. I get a list of shows each year and they match perfectly. They lived in other states so it wasn't exactly easy to see each other frequently. The thing is I can't recall a time that she was gone for anything other than the trips for work.

 

Of course I have triggers. Sometimes just her face is the trigger. I don't know if I can get thru this or not. I just don't know. I do have two young kids that I do need to consider. In all honesty, I don't want to see them only half the time.

 

My W can't explain the unprotected sex. I've seen her cry when I've asked her about it. She doesn't know how she could do it. She said she knew he was married for 15 years and he knew she was with me for 11 years. Little F'd up isn't it?

[kaysun]

your situation is the same as mine but im a girl. my husband had a 14 month affair. he answers my ???s the same as your wife does. yes she sincere. u will hurt for a long time but shes telling u the truth.

 

May I ask what you're planning on doing? I'm sorry you're going thru this also.

[U2RockZz]

get the hard evidence and post nuptial....at least you do not have to loose every thing if it comes to that....14 months is awful long time to which doesn't really need any explanation....she took your comfort now you do the same to her...she would be in constant fear that you are going to leave her(considering you wanted to work out)....but it's really waste of time ....how long you are going to keep tabs on her....one month ,2 ...????

 

she already fooled you 14 months...so it's not really new to her...think and act

[Manofaction]

Kaysun,

 

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you are in this situation.

If you want to talk IRL let me know, I have a lot to say.

 

Steps

1. Make no major life decisions for 6 months

2. Get rest, if possible, eat and drink water....walks really help me

3. Your WW must write a NC letter to mOM and never have contact with him

4. You both need counseling. IC and MC

5. You are not responsible for her affair!!! You are responsible for 50% of

the problems in the M but SHE is responsible 100% for her affair

6. Order/get the book "Not just friends" by Dr Shirley Glass and you both read it

7. If you need ADs or other meds then get them soon.

 

You need to understand that she is protecting herself by trickle truthing you, blameshifting, and maybe gaslighting you. Cheaters have a lot in common

 

We'll talk soon!

[2sunny]

is she willing to quit her job tomorrow? if she's not - then you can bet she isn't 1000% sure she won't cheat again.

 

her willingness to make this work will be shown by her ability to do anything you request of her - in order or you to become comfortable again.

 

trust is earned. she must be willing to do what it takes to earn your trust back.

[kaysun]

is she willing to quit her job tomorrow? if she's not - then you can bet she isn't 1000% sure she won't cheat again.

 

her willingness to make this work will be shown by her ability to do anything you request of her - in order or you to become comfortable again.

 

trust is earned. she must be willing to do what it takes to earn your trust back.

 

She has said she would quit tomorrow is I wanted her to. Honestly, I haven't asked her to because I know what it would do to our family in financial ways.

 

I agree about the trust.

[kaysun]

Kaysun,

 

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you are in this situation.

If you want to talk IRL let me know, I have a lot to say.

 

Steps

1. Make no major life decisions for 6 months

2. Get rest, if possible, eat and drink water....walks really help me

3. Your WW must write a NC letter to mOM and never have contact with him

4. You both need counseling. IC and MC

5. You are not responsible for her affair!!! You are responsible for 50% of

the problems in the M but SHE is responsible 100% for her affair

6. Order/get the book "Not just friends" by Dr Shirley Glass and you both read it

7. If you need ADs or other meds then get them soon.

 

You need to understand that she is protecting herself by trickle truthing you, blameshifting, and maybe gaslighting you. Cheaters have a lot in common

 

We'll talk soon!

 

1. I've been told not to make any decisions for 6 months. Counselor told me if I made decisions now it would be out of anger only. Let time go by so I see things more clearly. Counselor said many marriages get thru this and are stronger as a result, not that she condones the affair. When we got tested for the HIV, our doctor told us that out of any of her patients and people she knew personally, it would be us that would make this work. She said the way we were with each other during my W's two pregnancies left a lasting impression on her in what love looks and acts like. It's actually kind of hard to write and say that.

 

2. Can't sleep or eat. I've lost 30 lbs in 5 weeks and wasn't trying to lose weight. I barely sleep. Funny thing is I don't feel tired or hungry at all. I can stay up all night long and feel I can run a marathon in the morning.

 

3. I agree.

 

4. We're both in counseling, IC & MC. My W went to a counselor in March, after the A, but before she told me about it. The counselor actually told her not to tell me about the A because it would do know good. Neither could of predicted the HIV scare.

 

5. I've already said I won't take any responsiblity for her A. I admit, that's hard to do as I feel I somehow failed. I did say I would take responsibility for 50% of our marriage.

 

6. I've read two books already and devour as much information on the internet that I can. I'll order the book and read it. I can't sleep so I'll have time.

 

7. Haven't been on or told to get any meds.

 

How can I tell if she's gaslighting or blameshifting me? Is there something she will say or do? Examples? My W has told me that the A was 100% her fault. I can also say that she's never once blamed me for the A by saying I did something to make her do it. She's only said that she was lonely when the A started and he built her up. The OM's wife has said he was going thru a mid-life crisis and was unhappy.

 

I would love to talk more.

 

I still don't understand how this could of happened. Her sister always told us our family looked like it should be on the cover of a JC Penney catalog. We loved our kids, had what I thought was a good marriage, good jobs, lots of family and friends. We don't have financial issues, no debt and very rarely fought about anything. I know we were a little disconnected but having two young kids that are 19 months apart will do that to a family. I'm lost and confused about it all.

[2sunny]

She has said she would quit tomorrow is I wanted her to. Honestly, I haven't asked her to because I know what it would do to our family in financial ways.

 

I agree about the trust.

 

so it looks like money is more important than your marriage. here's a hint, IF she keeps her job - you may not have a marriage to keep.

 

start setting some boundaries. she can get a new job. and if not, start cutting back - you can learn how to cut out anything that's not needed on a monthly basis. it's amazing the ways you can save money when you stop spending on things that aren't a necessity.

[Manofaction]

How old is your W? And you?

 

I would want to know the whole/complete truth

Have her write out a timeline and if you want/need it all the details

 

This is confession time. Two ways: little at a time or all at once

This is like pulling a bandage off. You have to make your wife knows this is to heal you. She has to feel this is her job to help you. It doesn't matter if you D or R. Does it matter if the sex was 8 times or 10??

This may or may not be her first A. Odds are there was an EA or two before this.

It is her job to help you heal and you have to help her heal too.

 

After the written confession, then polygraph. Non-negotiable

 

 

Trust is gone and only ACTIONS can bring it back.

It sounds like she is a cakeeater. You are heroine and mOM is like crack.

I believe she is lying about the affair sex. It is not real but it is like she is on drugs during the A. It takes time to come off the high.

 

She has got to be totally honest and I don't believe the sex comments

You are dealing with a liar in your home that plotted this out

 

It takes a lot of planning to pull off a A!!! She is not innocent.

 

Get the book, read it, then post.

 

Final advice, see an atty to know your rights. She may cange her mind.

Be strong, if not, fake it

Women don't respect a wuss

 

Praying for your family brother

[Bryanp]

Kaysun,

 

I do hope your wife is no longer going to a counselor that told her not to tell you the truth and keep lying to you. What kind of a counselor is this that condones lying to a spouse in a relationship? Unfortunately there are so many very poor counselors in this society.

[2sunny]

you said this to her:

 

I've told her, in no uncertain terms, that I will divorce her and tell people of this, if she doesn't start being honest.

 

so, you haven't kept your word either. and now she believes you won't keep your word because you haven't.

 

if you threatened to divorce her if she didn't give all her truth - and she with held, then you have to blame yourself at this point too.

 

she hasn't been honest. for example - did she say she SAW him 8 times or had intercourse 8 times? big difference... if i've waited a heck of a long time to see a man and finally have the opportunity to enjoy his company and we are planning to be intimate - each day can potentially be numerous times of sex. so i would want to know from her - which was it?

 

there's no penalty for her to with hold her truth... so she's unwilling to give more than she has to - all at the expense of your peace of mind. that still looks the same as when she was cheating - it's SELFISH!

 

i don't think she believes you will do anything - she knows it. you can't go at this in a wimpy manner or she's only likely to wait until the dust settles and do this again... i'd be willing to bet money.

 

i'd ask her for 100% of her truth. write it all down as she gives it to you so she can't deny what she stated later. you will have all her questions and answers on paper.

 

THEN i would demand a polygraph (not telling her ahead of time). find out if any discrepancies exist between what she told you and what the test gives you. i'd ask her if she's ever been intimate with any OTHER men as well... since she wasn't ever going to let you know when she did it this time, it's definitely possible that she's done this before.

 

i believe the test is 400.- 500. is it worth that money to find out IF you should be willing to trust your wife for the rest of your marriage? i would think so.

 

she can say anything - but until you know for sure - you will always wonder.

[jnj express]

I'm gonna start with this uncontravertable fact----THERE IS AN EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING THAT OCCURS ON THIS PLANET

 

Your wife is flat out lying to you if she claims she can't tell you why she did this. Her claim of lonely is pure bullcrap------

 

Do not give R. one second of thought until you get the truthful explanation about EVERYTHING that went on.

 

You do not need inept counselors to get what you need----Make your wife give you the following explanations----down deep she knows why she spent the last 14 months loving another man, putting you at risk for disease, and worst of all wrecking th future of her flesh and blood children.

 

Your wife has obtained a position of responsibility at her work, so she is not a weak minded woman----she knows right from wrong, and good from bad. Yet your wife began an affair with another man, that lasted 14 months that you know of----Make your wife tell you what she was thinking the 1st time she got into bed with the other guy to have unprotected sex----was she thinking of you, and the repercussions this will have on the mge., was she thinking of her own kids ---and how their lives will be changed forever, the minute she allows that stranger inside her-----was she thinking of the diseases she could pass on---from this stranger---and he was a stranger to her sexually---she knew nothing of the people he was with prior to knowing him.

 

Have your wife give you explanations for all of these things----believe you me she can----the WHY is inside her----make her tell you

 

She made a big deal of claiming she was torn apart, and wanted to stop----have her explain why she didn't stop----why sex was always just a phone call away.

 

As to your kids----their well-being is 1st ---it takes precedence over how much time you will get to see them, over everything-----Will they be better off in a tension filled house where there is no trust---where there may even be hate, where there are constant triggers ---or will they be better off in reasonably happy split homes----this needs to be considered

 

You don't need 6 months to know what to do----your gut will tell you-

 

-If you do, do a lie dtector----ask questions about her activities prior to the affair----your wife decieved you and lied to you for over a year---who knows what else has been hidden

 

Remember if it weren't for the false report you would not know to this day there was an affair going on----she only told you cuz she thought she had endangered your life----that's some kind of wife ain't it

[RobD70]

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I believe what your wife has told you and is being honest with you. Why? Because I went through this myself over a year ago (though my W had the decency to move out of the house before she started the PA, about 3 months after the EA stage). We’ve been back together now for a little over a year. My W had answers much like yours and we have talked many times about it. I also know her “tells” since she lies very poorly.

 

Your W had an A because she got addicted to the attention she was getting. She was in a rut and may had been desensitized if she is around other cheaters. She is probably not an evil person but she lost respect for you along the way. Had she not been caught, odds are you would do it again since she got away with it the first time.

 

Now, had my W did what yours did (sleep around while still living in my house, never breaking down and confessing out of guilt) I would kick her to the curb because I cannot handle that level of disrespect. Even if everything she said was true and I had a major role in her unhappiness there are certain boundaries that can’t be crossed for me. I can’t say if I would had done it immediately or after some time for it to sink in.

 

In 6 months you will be in a different state of mind. Don’t let her fear of losing her family which is making her desperate not to lose you cloud your judgment. If she was that much into the marriage she wouldn’t had done it to begin with. At least my W actually tried to end the marriage before the PA and had moved out and was ready for a D. If she had done it behind my back with no intentions of leaving I would had ended it out of principle. In 6 months you may do the same once the shock of it all fades. The resentment will start to grow some for the next couple of months and it takes a long time for it to fade. I don’t 100% forgive me wife but no longer dwell on it anymore.

 

Just watch her actions for now on. You already know what you need to know so let’s see if she follows through with her promises and how you feel about things in the next few weeks/months. Odds are she will be a saint at first but once the dust settles THEN you need to start really monitoring her, when she doesn’t think you are watching anymore.

[Windsurf66]

If I am in your shoes, there are three things that would still bother me.

 

1) "She knew I would know something was wrong if she came home, and we didn't make love, because of how good things were between us."

 

The way she used sex to manipulate you into thinking that your marriage was good. She had sex with you not as an expression of love, but to deflect your suspicions so that her affair can be hidden and continued. Personally, I find it very hard to accept that my wife used to have sex with me because she loves me, but now she had sex with me to cover up her affair.

 

2) "I threatened divorce right away when I found out. My W went to see a lawyer about her rights. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't be able to take the kids away from her."

 

She reacted quite fast in defending herself when she felt that a divorce might be coming. I would think that if she was sincerely remorseful and still wanted the marriage, she wouldn't see the lawyer that fast. She was too defensive and was getting ready for a legal battle.

 

3) "My counselor says I'm probably not absorbing the answers and the constant questioning is starting to feel like an interrogation to my wife. My W then starts to push back and gets irritated."

 

She has no rights at all to feel irritated. It shows a lack of real remorse in her for her to push back.

 

Overall, a lack of sincerity. There is still a chance that she would do it again next time. I would give myself some time, perhaps 1 or 2 years. If I cannot feel true remorse from her during this period, and still could not trust her, I would cut my losses early and divorce her. In the meantime, during this 1-2 years, you might want to start making more friends

[turnera]

I'm looking for some help,

 

 

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for six. We have two young children, ages 5 and 3. I found out about five weeks ago that my wife had a 14 month affair. This affair was with a MM that also has two young kids. My wife and the OM don't work together but both their companies work closely together, (vendor / supplier). They started out talking about work and then it escalated. My W and the OM both travel for work and would be with each other at trade shows around the country.

 

 

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time. We both tested negative and his was actually a “false positive”.

 

 

I could tell for the 14 months that something was amiss but I trusted my W and didn't think she would do this. I will also say that Jan. thru the first part of April was really bad (fighting) but the month before I found out we were really doing good.

 

 

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

That is exactly typical for a wayward wife, for how it happens, how it keeps going.

 

What are YOU doing to make it a better marriage, now that you know? She may own 100% of the affair, but you still own 50% of the marriage.

[Binster]

Have to agree with windsurf she was straight to a lawyer to find out her rights when she felt a genuine threat. If I was you i'd get on to a lawyer straight away for serious advice about a post nup, plus tell her you want the polygraph test (in Britain they cost 550 pounds). I think if you tell her all this you'll see her atitude change from pasive to agresive because she knows she's no longer just having you believe anything she says. Also cant believe the eight times and all the other points people have raised, and I have dificulty believing this is the only affair given the 14 months time span and the fact that she worked away from home voluntarily (as she soon managed to stop when you fond out about the affair).

[turnera]

Have to agree with windsurf she was straight to a lawyer to find out her rights when she felt a genuine threat. If I was you i'd get on to a lawyer straight away for serious advice about a post nup, plus tell her you want the polygraph test (in Britain they cost 550 pounds). I think if you tell her all this you'll see her atitude change from pasive to agresive because she knows she's no longer just having you believe anything she says. Also cant believe the eight times and all the other points people have raised, and I have dificulty believing this is the only affair given the 14 months time span and the fact that she worked away from home voluntarily (as she soon managed to stop when you fond out about the affair).

All good points.

[bestplayer]

1. I've been told not to make any decisions for 6 months. Counselor told me if I made decisions now it would be out of anger only. Let time go by so I see things more clearly. Counselor said many marriages get thru this and are stronger as a result, not that she condones the affair. When we got tested for the HIV, our doctor told us that out of any of her patients and people she knew personally, it would be us that would make this work. She said the way we were with each other during my W's two pregnancies left a lasting impression on her in what love looks and acts like. It's actually kind of hard to write and say that.

 

2. Can't sleep or eat. I've lost 30 lbs in 5 weeks and wasn't trying to lose weight. I barely sleep. Funny thing is I don't feel tired or hungry at all. I can stay up all night long and feel I can run a marathon in the morning.

 

3. I agree.

 

4. We're both in counseling, IC & MC. My W went to a counselor in March, after the A, but before she told me about it. The counselor actually told her not to tell me about the A because it would do know good. Neither could of predicted the HIV scare.

 

5. I've already said I won't take any responsiblity for her A. I admit, that's hard to do as I feel I somehow failed. I did say I would take responsibility for 50% of our marriage.

 

6. I've read two books already and devour as much information on the internet that I can. I'll order the book and read it. I can't sleep so I'll have time.

 

7. Haven't been on or told to get any meds.

 

How can I tell if she's gaslighting or blameshifting me? Is there something she will say or do? Examples? My W has told me that the A was 100% her fault. I can also say that she's never once blamed me for the A by saying I did something to make her do it. She's only said that she was lonely when the A started and he built her up. The OM's wife has said he was going thru a mid-life crisis and was unhappy.

 

I would love to talk more.

 

I still don't understand how this could of happened. Her sister always told us our family looked like it should be on the cover of a JC Penney catalog. We loved our kids, had what I thought was a good marriage, good jobs, lots of family and friends. We don't have financial issues, no debt and very rarely fought about anything. I know we were a little disconnected but having two young kids that are 19 months apart will do that to a family. I'm lost and confused about it all.

 

I think most of the posters would disagree with me but may I ask you what exactly is the need of extracting each every gory details of the affair ?

 

Ofcourse the important facts , whens & whys needs to discussed , but asking her to rationalise her actions seems futile to me .

 

can she ever give you an appropriate reason for ' having an affair' other than because she wanted to do this knowing fully well it was wrong ?

 

If she has shown true remorse & accepted complete responsibility then going over the same questionire is counter-productive .

 

Bets of luck

[bestplayer]

I'm gonna start with this uncontravertable fact----THERE IS AN EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING THAT OCCURS ON THIS PLANET

 

Your wife is flat out lying to you if she claims she can't tell you why she did this. Her claim of lonely is pure bullcrap------

 

Do not give R. one second of thought until you get the truthful explanation about EVERYTHING that went on.

 

You do not need inept counselors to get what you need----Make your wife give you the following explanations----down deep she knows why she spent the last 14 months loving another man, putting you at risk for disease, and worst of all wrecking th future of her flesh and blood children.

 

Your wife has obtained a position of responsibility at her work, so she is not a weak minded woman----she knows right from wrong, and good from bad. Yet your wife began an affair with another man, that lasted 14 months that you know of----Make your wife tell you what she was thinking the 1st time she got into bed with the other guy to have unprotected sex----was she thinking of you, and the repercussions this will have on the mge., was she thinking of her own kids ---and how their lives will be changed forever, the minute she allows that stranger inside her-----was she thinking of the diseases she could pass on---from this stranger---and he was a stranger to her sexually---she knew nothing of the people he was with prior to knowing him.

 

Have your wife give you explanations for all of these things----believe you me she can----the WHY is inside her----make her tell you

 

She made a big deal of claiming she was torn apart, and wanted to stop----have her explain why she didn't stop----why sex was always just a phone call away.

 

As to your kids----their well-being is 1st ---it takes precedence over how much time you will get to see them, over everything-----Will they be better off in a tension filled house where there is no trust---where there may even be hate, where there are constant triggers ---or will they be better off in reasonably happy split homes----this needs to be considered

 

You don't need 6 months to know what to do----your gut will tell you-

 

-If you do, do a lie dtector----ask questions about her activities prior to the affair----your wife decieved you and lied to you for over a year---who knows what else has been hidden

 

Remember if it weren't for the false report you would not know to this day there was an affair going on----she only told you cuz she thought she had endangered your life----that's some kind of wife ain't it

 

I think op's wife has accepted complete responsibility & is truly remorseful so there isn't any point in making her tell op answers to all the above things .

It would be much better for op to just divorce her if he can't get over it but deciding to stay & then continuing with these kind of confrontations & intereactions with her will only furstrate him & he will never be able to make his marriage better . But that is just my opinion.