Wife had an affair - have questions

[Darth Vader]

yes, JNJ makes some very good points kaysun.

 

The same would apply to any woman with a 14 month affair.

 

Forget about the legalities of being married/divorced for a bit:

 

You need to understand that in your wife's mind, psychologically, she had already "divorced" you and was "married" to her affair partner.

 

This wasn't just an affair, it was a "love affair," at least from your w's perspective.

 

And now, in the process of trying to break up with her psychological "husband" (the affair partner), you're the enemy. Remember in her mind you're not really her husband anymore. You were replaced by the affair partner.

 

Think of all the stuff she had to do, the inconvenience, in order to pull off a 14 month affair. Married women generally don't do this kind of long term affair stuff unless they are actually in love with the affair partner, and psychologically have already left the marriage.

 

So unfortunately you need to understand that just because/even if you are physically able to end the actual affair, in your wife's mind, your marriage is still over, and she'll always be yearning for that affair partner that you took away from her.

 

And most likely looking for another opportunity to do it again, as "vengeance" against you from keeping her from her "true love."

 

It sucks, I know it, but this is how women like your wife think.

 

Just look at all the threads at Love Shack by unfaithful married women and how they think. They justify their affairs by convincing themselves it's true love.

 

Think how screwed up, psychologically, a married woman has to be to do something like your wife did. Not only an affair, not only a 14 month affair, but an affair with another married person!

 

Crazy, right?

 

 

That's who you're married to.

 

How could you EVER trust someone like that again?

 

 

Not to mention the fact that she and OM willingly destroyed two families! know the consequences before they screwed each other! That says right there by her actions that she didn't love you by doing this and putting you through HELL! Plus putting her families health at risk!

[Darth Vader]

Not to mention the fact that she and OM willingly destroyed two families! know the consequences before they screwed each other! That says right there by her actions that she didn't love you by doing this and putting you through HELL! Plus putting her families health at risk!

 

 

Oh and another thing, your wife said that she was "lonely" That's a cop out to me! That falls right under Blameshifting and possible Damage control! Your wife's not telling you everything! Count on it!

[Joe Normal]

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

 

Your wife is lying. More likely, she saw this man, fancied him, and went with him for some hot passionate no-strings sex. Of course she says it was bland, she's trying to fool you into forgiving her, so she can do it again later with another guy. What do you think she would say? "Honey, sorry but he was very well endowed and gave me the best sex of my life, much better than with you"? Get real.

 

If she wanted a friend and just to talk, she'd have found a woman to talk to, or just had a platonic friendship with a guy. Nothing about talking requires disrobing then riding another man's genitals repeatedly for hours.

[sarkandlauren]

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him. She wasn't looking for it or wanting it to happen, but once she got in, she felt she couldn't get out of it. She has said she wanted it to end but didn't feel she was strong enough to end it. She said that when it ended in Jan. she knew it had to end because she was feeling miserable and sick about it. She says she was getting physically ill about it. She said she just didn't get the chance to end it. She said she cried multiple times, while being with him or coming back home, because of what she was doing. She says she now realizes that I was telling her the same things he was but she wasn't truly listening to me. She heard me but didn't listen to what I was saying.
   
2. She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.
   
3. She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it. She just wanted the talking. She'll also say that there were times that she wanted to feel close to him because of the talking and feelings so sex was the obvious thing to do.
   
4. She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me. She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.
   
5. She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.
   

 

Well, speaking from the OW, cheating W's persective, I know I will get lots of harsh comments, but I have to say, most of her points are speaking exactly of what is on my mind.

I haven't ended mine and I just couldn't do it yet, and I can't even tell you why I'm clearly miserable, I'm guilty, I'm sick of myself, I ride the world's worse emotional roller coaster, but yet, I'm not pulling a brake on what could really help end this pain. I really did not have sex with him. Well, we're definately intimate, without going into details, we engaged in s activities, but no HJ/BJ or intercourse was involved. It really is being close to him, for him to hold me, hug me, touch me, that intimate feeling that I'm looking for. I do love him, otherwise, I would not long for any of this from him. Why did I fall in love with another man while I'm married? I don't know, and I really wish this has never happened.

I don't know if it is infactuaton or not, perhaps. If you ask me would I leave my H/M for him? Absolutely not. But I can say that I do care about him, and I do have an emotional connection with him.

I don't have comments on point 3, but i really would not mind to be with him without S at all. I just want to be with him, be intimate with him as in holding hands, and cuddling.

 

What I'm trying to say here is there is a chance that your wife is not lying. I know I'm not lying here, these are my true feelings. It pains me that I'm being so selfish but I'm such a selfish person right now that I am unable or do not have the courage to pull myself out of this knee deep mess.

[Dexter Morgan]

The A ended in January, the OM's wife intercepted a text message, but I didn't find out about it until May. The only reason I found out was my W was at a show and the OM called to tell her he tested positive for HIV. My W felt she had to come home and tell me at that time. We both tested negative and his was actually a “false positive”.

 

this is why I think people having affairs should be able to be tried for attempted murder. how disgusting. I bet your wife was sweating that one out.

 

 

This is what my W has said about it (I ask questions like crazy, I can't stop):

 

 

1. My W said she was lonely and she enjoyed talking with him.

did you tell her to join the club? Obviously you were lonely too, yet didn't feel the need to go out and stick your wick in another woman.

 

 

She said she loved him but now says it wasn't love. She can see now that it was more of an infatuation about the way he made her feel about herself.

 

well guess what, she is married. she is going to feel that way the next time a guy gives her attention. Some people can handle being married, some can't...whats going to happen the next time a guy shows her just a bit of attention?

 

She said the sex was bland and awkward, average at best, and could of done without it.

 

she's lying to you. the reason to continue a 14 month affair is that she enjoyed it. Otherwise she'd have lost interest long ago.

 

 

She said she never wanted to lose me or divorce me.

 

she should have thought about that before cheating and putting you at risk of death.

 

 

She told the OM that she would never leave me. She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak.

 

ok, thats it. hearing this should make you think about getting an attorney. because if you stay with her, this is what you'll have to think about whenever things aren't absolutely perfect between you two.

 

you have an argument, then you have to wonder where she is and who she is doing because she wants to do this when things aren't good at home. That line of thinking on her part isn't going to change.

 

She says she can't believe it was her that did it. She said she looks back on it and feels it was a different person doing those things. She also can't believe it lasted as long as it did, especially since she wanted it to end. She says she can't believe what she was going to lose, me and our family, by having the A.

My W has answered all my questions, and I ask a lot, and has apologized over and over. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes to make us good again. She says the only doubts she has about us making it is if I can forgive her and she can forgive herself.

 

 

Can anyone relate to this? Can the things she's saying be the truth or is she lying to me? I'll admit that there are days she can tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't believe her. Please help.

 

Yup, can relate all too well.

 

question is, is she saying all these things because she doesn't want to lose her family life and comfortable surroundings....or is it because she wants you? I think too many times its only the former.

 

So she wants to do whatever it takes eh? First off, if she still works with other man, she needs to start looking for another job.

 

She becomes an open book and you have access to all her forms of communication.

 

If she ever went out and partied with her girlfriends, sorry to say, that should be over. She has proven she can't be trusted.

 

Any other behaviors or activities she engages in that would help her cheat?

[sarkandlauren]

Why did I fall in love with another man while I'm married?

 

 

Because deep down you do not really believe you are entitled to be happy.

 

Sad truth.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hope I am wrong but it sounds like your wife is in total damage control mode.

 

1. She had no intention of stopping the sexual affair (of course she is going to tell you the sex was bland) and it only ended because they got caught. She clearly had no intention of telling you or stopping it.

 

I agree. In addition to feeding Kaysun a big sh#t sandwich, the only reason she came clean is that she was afraid she had given him a death sentence with her unprotected sex. with OM.

[Dexter Morgan]

We're both in therapy now. My W went in March before I knew any of this. She said it was to work on our marriage. She now says it was to find out how she could do this. .

 

sorry, that's a load of s##t on her part. she knows how she could do this, she is just going through the motions to help make you think that she is just this innocent little thing that got caught up in something and it "wasn't her, but someone else" that did those things.

 

The reason she could do this is because she has cheater as part of her character.

 

don't let her downplay anything. you keep calling her on that bulls### and don't let her play the "poor me" thing.

[lkjh]

sarkandlauren,

I know everyone is going to get mad at me for saying this but comments like yours make me angry, disgusted, and sad. You have a great thing( a family ) and you are about to destroy it for nothing other than your own selfishness. Get out of your A now, come clean and hope your H wants to work out your problems. Otherwise everything will come crashing down on you

 

Oh and when he does find out(and he will, one way or another), dont try an justify it. Plenty of things may contribute to your martial problems but only you contributed to your decision to have an affair

[Dexter Morgan]

The original poster hasn't posted ANYTHING since June 24th...he is long gone.

 

my guess is he is in hell with her and is probably in too much grief to even touch the computer.

 

I feel bad for him, really bad.

 

He is being lied to some more, probably gaslighted, and he doesn't know what to do. He is probably in the desperation stage.

 

He needs to find a good woman. Then he can see how ridiculous keeping her really is.

[kaysun]

my guess is he is in hell with her and is probably in too much grief to even touch the computer.

 

I feel bad for him, really bad.

 

He is being lied to some more, probably gaslighted, and he doesn't know what to do. He is probably in the desperation stage.

 

He needs to find a good woman. Then he can see how ridiculous keeping her really is.[/QUOTE]

 

 

I believe you're right.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I believe you're right.

 

 

Do you know how good it feels to be with a quality woman?

 

When my marriage failed... I was just dying inside trying to make it work. Once I was out... at first it was hard, but then I started dating again. I had so much fun... and I found that there were women who would not play mindf*** games all day.

 

Make it work guy! Sitting around all sad and depressed does nothing for anyone.

[kaysun]

Do you know how good it feels to be with a quality woman?

 

When my marriage failed... I was just dying inside trying to make it work. Once I was out... at first it was hard, but then I started dating again. I had so much fun... and I found that there were women who would not play mindf*** games all day.

 

Make it work guy! Sitting around all sad and depressed does nothing for anyone.

 

I thought I did but slowly realizing I don't. I believe the only thing keeping me there now are my two young kids.

 

My wife seems remorseful. She apologizes daily, answers all my questions and does everything I've asked. I'm not having any issues there. I just don't think I can get over it. I go to sleep with it on my mind and wake up with it. It's there 24/7. She even apologizes for that.

 

I do wonder if it's possible to get thru this and have a better marriage. I believe that is wishful thinking though.

[turnera]

I have seen lots of families use this as a wakeup call and have much better marriages, where they no longer take anything for granted. As long as both of you are vigilant and willing to do the work, you can have an amazing marriage.

 

Will you have pain? Yes. But so do people who lose a child or a sibling or an appendage. It isn't what they would have chosen, but they deal with it and make life as good as they can with it. I think it's more a matter of acceptance that your life took a different path; but now that your're ON that path, what will you do with it?

 

Use the marriagebuilders.com plan for Love Busters and Emotional Needs, and spending 15 hours a week together and communicating for an hour a week about your relationship...you'll do great.

[confusedinkansas]

I do wonder if it's possible to get thru this and have a better marriage. I believe that is wishful thinking though.

 

Ok - So you've gotten the opinions from those that have been cheated on & they basically say your wife is a lying whore! (not specifically, but in so many words)

 

My opinion - From the wife that did cheat on her husband.

 

Everything she said is more likely than not TRUE. I understand why you would doubt her. She lied to you for 14 months. BUT....you posted that she started counseling PRIOR to your finding out. Which to me screams...I'M TRYING!!!!

 

You have choices here obviously. You can take the advice of those that say marriages NEVER survive these & bail...............OR

You can decide that YES INDEED THEY DO SURVIVE & they do thrive afterwords.

I am 2+ years out from the last face to face contact with my OM 3 years from the affair & I can tell you that

1) I rarely think about him. (if I do it's brief & passing)

2) my husband LOVED ME ENOUGH to stick this out & make it work

3) There was ALWAYS love between my husband & I (even if I thought I was in love with the other man) & my husband & I BOTH realized it. That is why we are together still.

 

Your situation completely depends on YOU. The ball is in YOUR court. Do YOU want a marriage? Can you forgive? If you do decide to stay you need to begin to forgive her & re-build the trust. If you don't it will eat at you & 5 years down the road you'll be right back here in LS bitching about the very same thing. Don't be a martyr. (Oh poor me, I decided to stick it out but I just can't forgive...look at all the wasted years.....yadda yadda yadda.....don't be that guy) Seems to me she's taking all the right steps (all the steps the LShackers say you're supposed to take) & you STILL are doubting & they are still saying the things they are saying.

(OH, keep in mind, these people weren't there, they don't know your household or your specific individual situation)

 

Many people do get past bumps in the road of marriage like this. You could be one too. Just depends on YOU.

Good Luck to you - Personally, I hope for your sake, your wife's sake & your kiddos that the two of you can work this out.

[kaysun]

I have seen lots of families use this as a wakeup call and have much better marriages, where they no longer take anything for granted. As long as both of you are vigilant and willing to do the work, you can have an amazing marriage.

 

Will you have pain? Yes. But so do people who lose a child or a sibling or an appendage. It isn't what they would have chosen, but they deal with it and make life as good as they can with it. I think it's more a matter of acceptance that your life took a different path; but now that your're ON that path, what will you do with it?

 

Use the marriagebuilders.com plan for Love Busters and Emotional Needs, and spending 15 hours a week together and communicating for an hour a week about your relationship...you'll do great.

 

My wife has said that it was a huge wake-up for her. She said that when he wasn't there to talk to she was able to get over him fairly quickly. She then said she realized everything she stood to lose and that reality hit her in the face like a 2x4. She has told me many times how much she hates herself for what she did. She also has said she needs / wants to make this better for us. That I / we deserve it.

[Snowflower]

I thought I did but slowly realizing I don't. I believe the only thing keeping me there now are my two young kids.

 

My wife seems remorseful. She apologizes daily, answers all my questions and does everything I've asked. I'm not having any issues there. I just don't think I can get over it. I go to sleep with it on my mind and wake up with it. It's there 24/7. She even apologizes for that.

 

I do wonder if it's possible to get thru this and have a better marriage. I believe that is wishful thinking though.

 

Hi kaysun, Geez, it seems like some of the naysayers on this thread are rooting for your marriage to fail. It kind of makes one wonder how "happy" they really are with their post-divorce life if they are so insistent that they are right.

 

I liked CIK's advice above--it was honest and while not all pretty, it was realistic and she has walked in your wife's shoes.

 

Like you said, your wife is doing everything she can--she is remorseful and is answering your questions. Does this help you in anyway?

 

I know how it is on your mind 24/7...I was like that too, for months. You see, I'm a BS too, in a marriage that is recovering very, very well. It has been 18+ months since d-day and it has been a lot of work for my husband and me. I am very much on the side that a marriage can thrive after an affair if the situation is right and both partners are willing to work really hard. Not just the WS, but both spouses.

 

kaysun, I would never advocate that you stay in a situation that is untenable for you just because my marriage is successfully recovering. I'm not you but neither is anyone else on this thread. There is some wonderful advice, but please don't get dragged down into the pit of negativity here to the point that it affects your own decisions.

 

It's almost expected that you (general you, not you-you) will divorce after infidelity...it's almost a societal norm these days...but that doesn't mean it is always the right thing to do.

 

Best of luck to you. I know what you're going through--it hurts like h*ll but listen to what your gut is telling you and avoid the naysayers, both here and IRL. Do what is right for you.

[kaysun]

Ok - So you've gotten the opinions from those that have been cheated on & they basically say your wife is a lying whore! (not specifically, but in so many words)

 

My opinion - From the wife that did cheat on her husband.

 

Everything she said is more likely than not TRUE. I understand why you would doubt her. She lied to you for 14 months. BUT....you posted that she started counseling PRIOR to your finding out. Which to me screams...I'M TRYING!!!!

 

You have choices here obviously. You can take the advice of those that say marriages NEVER survive these & bail...............OR

You can decide that YES INDEED THEY DO SURVIVE & they do thrive afterwords.

I am 2+ years out from the last face to face contact with my OM 3 years from the affair & I can tell you that

1) I rarely think about him. (if I do it's brief & passing)

2) my husband LOVED ME ENOUGH to stick this out & make it work

3) There was ALWAYS love between my husband & I (even if I thought I was in love with the other man) & my husband & I BOTH realized it. That is why we are together still.

 

Your situation completely depends on YOU. The ball is in YOUR court. Do YOU want a marriage? Can you forgive? If you do decide to stay you need to begin to forgive her & re-build the trust. If you don't it will eat at you & 5 years down the road you'll be right back here in LS bitching about the very same thing. Don't be a martyr. (Oh poor me, I decided to stick it out but I just can't forgive...look at all the wasted years.....yadda yadda yadda.....don't be that guy) Seems to me she's taking all the right steps (all the steps the LShackers say you're supposed to take) & you STILL are doubting & they are still saying the things they are saying.

(OH, keep in mind, these people weren't there, they don't know your household or your specific individual situation)

 

Many people do get past bumps in the road of marriage like this. You could be one too. Just depends on YOU.

Good Luck to you - Personally, I hope for your sake, your wife's sake & your kiddos that the two of you can work this out.

 

I guess that's why I'm still there, going home to my family every night. I hope we can make it work for my family and for our marriage. I won't ever truely know unless I try, right? It's hard as hell at times but when I hear my 3 & 5 year old asking to do something as a family, it's hard to say, "I'm giving up on this".

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi kaysun, Geez, it seems like some of the naysayers on this thread are rooting for your marriage to fail. It kind of makes one wonder how "happy" they really are with their post-divorce life if they are so insistent that they are right.

 

very happy, which is the reason for my stance on the subject. If I had stayed with someone that cheated, I'd be in hell and would always have some level of suspicion. not a good life as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

Like you said, your wife is doing everything she can--she is remorseful and is answering your questions. Does this help you in anyway?

 

most of the "doing what she can" part seems to be telling him lies for damage control.

 

and then there is the following line that she told kaysun that would throw up a huge flag to me:

 

"She has also said that she thought about being with him but only when things weren't good at home or when she was feeling especially weak."

 

so basically she told kaysun that when things aren't just oh so perfect and she is depressed or things not going completely her way, this could happen again.

 

 

I know how it is on your mind 24/7...I was like that too, for months. You see, I'm a BS too, in a marriage that is recovering very, very well. It has been 18+ months since d-day and it has been a lot of work for my husband and me. I am very much on the side that a marriage can thrive after an affair if the situation is right and both partners are willing to work really hard. Not just the WS, but both spouses.

 

I would agree that IF he decides to keep this marriage, that they both have work to do, but the WS bears the greater responsibility and needs to put in more effort than the BS, IMHO. Afterall, its the BS that gets the dandy of a gem of remembering what the WS did to them for the rest of their life.

 

 

 

kaysun, I would never advocate that you stay in a situation that is untenable for you just because my marriage is successfully recovering. I'm not you but neither is anyone else on this thread. There is some wonderful advice, but please don't get dragged down into the pit of negativity here to the point that it affects your own decisions.

 

 

ah, so because we didn't do as you do, or think as you do, its negative?

 

well hell, why don't we all just tell him that s##t smells like roses and that what will be going through his mind for a LONG time is something he just needs to get over with?

 

There are 2 sides of the aisle on how everyone perceives the truth and best course of action. And just because we want him to have a better life without the cheating wife doesn't mean its negative.

[Dexter Morgan]

I guess that's why I'm still there, going home to my family every night. I hope we can make it work for my family and for our marriage. I won't ever truely know unless I try, right? It's hard as hell at times but when I hear my 3 & 5 year old asking to do something as a family, it's hard to say, "I'm giving up on this".

 

trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too wanted to stay in the marriage for the kids. it tore me apart.

 

after a little over a month of trying to forget and bury it, I decided that I couldn't live with someone that would betray me in such a selfish and callous way. I couldn't live with someone I'd NEVER trust completely again. I knew if I stayed there'd come a day where her infidelity didn't consume my every thought, and for the most part I'd be ok, but I didn't want to live a life of painful triggers, suspicion here and there, and just looking at her wondering if she is cheating or thinking she'd really like to.

 

In the end, I knew that my kids deserved a happy father. And I couldn't be happy with a cheater. Because if you think she'd never do this again, or if the perfect opportunity arose, and, for example, she was 1,000 miles away and knew she could cheat and you'd never find out.....you are fooling yourself.....but thats just my opinion.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I thought I did but slowly realizing I don't. I believe the only thing keeping me there now are my two young kids.

My wife seems remorseful. She apologizes daily, answers all my questions and does everything I've asked. I'm not having any issues there. I just don't think I can get over it. I go to sleep with it on my mind and wake up with it. It's there 24/7. She even apologizes for that.

I do wonder if it's possible to get thru this and have a better marriage. I believe that is wishful thinking though.

 

Look, you want to know if she actually loves you right?

 

Get a lawyer and draft up the most 1 sided divorce possible... Take everything, the house, all cars, full custody, don't even leave her clothes. Then tell her to sign it and you will stay to work things out... and she will have to TRUST YOU. If things work out... remarry her.

 

Just tossing that out as an idea.

 

I would tell her that if she really loves you and wants you to stay.

 

Ok - So you've gotten the opinions from those that have been cheated on & they basically say your wife is a lying whore! (not specifically, but in so many words)

My opinion - From the wife that did cheat on her husband.

Everything she said is more likely than not TRUE. I understand why you would doubt her. She lied to you for 14 months. BUT....you posted that she started counseling PRIOR to your finding out. Which to me screams...I'M TRYING!!!!

You have choices here obviously. You can take the advice of those that say marriages NEVER survive these & bail...............OR

You can decide that YES INDEED THEY DO SURVIVE & they do thrive afterwords.

I am 2+ years out from the last face to face contact with my OM 3 years from the affair & I can tell you that

1) I rarely think about him. (if I do it's brief & passing)

2) my husband LOVED ME ENOUGH to stick this out & make it work

3) There was ALWAYS love between my husband & I (even if I thought I was in love with the other man) & my husband & I BOTH realized it. That is why we are together still.

Your situation completely depends on YOU. The ball is in YOUR court. Do YOU want a marriage? Can you forgive? If you do decide to stay you need to begin to forgive her & re-build the trust. If you don't it will eat at you & 5 years down the road you'll be right back here in LS bitching about the very same thing. Don't be a martyr. (Oh poor me, I decided to stick it out but I just can't forgive...look at all the wasted years.....yadda yadda yadda.....don't be that guy) Seems to me she's taking all the right steps (all the steps the LShackers say you're supposed to take) & you STILL are doubting & they are still saying the things they are saying.

(OH, keep in mind, these people weren't there, they don't know your household or your specific individual situation)

Many people do get past bumps in the road of marriage like this. You could be one too. Just depends on YOU.

Good Luck to you - Personally, I hope for your sake, your wife's sake & your kiddos that the two of you can work this out.

 

I kind of agree with you... kind of not.

 

Fact is that the ball is in HER court. It was HER affair SHE needs to get off her a$$ and fix it. If he is struggling it's because she isn't putting in the work.

 

And... I officially object to you using your marriage as a success story just because your still together.

[kaysun]

trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too wanted to stay in the marriage for the kids. it tore me apart.

 

after a little over a month of trying to forget and bury it, I decided that I couldn't live with someone that would betray me in such a selfish and callous way. I couldn't live with someone I'd NEVER trust completely again. I knew if I stayed there'd come a day where her infidelity didn't consume my every thought, and for the most part I'd be ok, but I didn't want to live a life of painful triggers, suspicion here and there, and just looking at her wondering if she is cheating or thinking she'd really like to.

 

In the end, I knew that my kids deserved a happy father. And I couldn't be happy with a cheater. Because if you think she'd never do this again, or if the perfect opportunity arose, and, for example, she was 1,000 miles away and knew she could cheat and you'd never find out.....you are fooling yourself.....but thats just my opinion.

 

I completely understand what you're saying as I feel that way most of the time. The things I used to take for granted (trust) are now very hard to do. There seems to be a trigger around every corner for me, whether it's a road sign with a certain name or a movie with a certain theme. The things you never gave a passing thought to before now rip a hole in your heart.

 

In my darkest hours I want her to feel the pain that I'm going thru but the truth is I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I wonder to myself, and aloud, if this is worth the heartache.

 

My wife has said that she would never do this again. I ask, "how can you say that when you said you'd never do it at all?" She says, "I couldn't do it to myself again. The pain I see on you everyday if a reminder of what I did wrong. I live with the guilt and shame everyday and I hurt also. I'm going to lose everything I hold dear to me for something that wasn't real and for someone that doesn't compare to you. I'd give anything to take it back."

[2sunny]

kaysun

My wife has said that she would never do this again. I ask, "how can you say that when you said you'd never do it at all?" She says, "I couldn't do it to myself again. The pain I see on you everyday if a reminder of what I did wrong. I live with the guilt and shame everyday and I hurt also. I'm going to lose everything I hold dear to me for something that wasn't real and for someone that doesn't compare to you. I'd give anything to take it back."

 

the bolded part is a HUGE problem... she's still thinking mainly of HERSELF. a person who thinks of themselves FIRST will always be at risk to cheat again.

 

the person who considers their spouse and their feelings, position FIRST - is less likely to cause harm to them in the future.

 

cheating IS selfish. why would you think anything would change if her thoughts are still just selfish?

[kaysun]

the bolded part is a HUGE problem... she's still thinking mainly of HERSELF. a person who thinks of themselves FIRST will always be at risk to cheat again.

 

the person who considers their spouse and their feelings, position FIRST - is less likely to cause harm to them in the future.

 

cheating IS selfish. why would you think anything would change if her thoughts are still just selfish?

 

I guess I never thought of it that way. She also say's she couldn't do it to me again but she does say she couldn't do it to herself. I thought that answer made sense to me but now I'm not sure. I know I wouldn't do something that would hurt me and I do believe my wife has been hurt by her affair. You've given me another thing to think about.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess I never thought of it that way. She also say's she couldn't do it to me again but she does say she couldn't do it to herself. I thought that answer made sense to me but now I'm not sure. I know I wouldn't do something that would hurt me and I do believe my wife has been hurt by her affair. You've given me another thing to think about.

 

Quick explanation: She says that because she is trying to show you that it hurt her as well. Since her actions should seem extremely selfish to you... she is trying to show you that "not cheating again" is also in her own self interest.

 

Dunno what to say guy. In your situation... and I've just finished going through this crap with my GF... it wouldnt be the trust that gets me.

 

She never expected to leave you...? Does that make any sense at all?

 

It just makes me feel like she is either full of it.... or has so little respect for you as a man.... that she thinks you can't leave her, or that if you did it wouldn't be that big of a loss.

 

This might be just me, but I believe people need to have consequences to change. I think you should put some thought into what that might be.