Wife had an affair - have questions

[spriggig]

She says, "I couldn't do it to myself again. The pain I see on you everyday if a reminder of what I did wrong. I live with the guilt and shame everyday and I hurt also. I'm going to lose everything I hold dear to me for something that wasn't real and for someone that doesn't compare to you. I'd give anything to take it back."

 

First, don't take this out of context. The rest of the statement shows her empathy.

 

Second, when she said "I couldn't do that to myself again" she's saying nothing could make her do that again because she was personally hurt by it. That, maybe you don't trust her not to hurt you--because she's already done that--but that you should trust her not to hurt herself.

 

Remember, she must love herself before she can truly love you.

[Binster]

No advice to give, all I can say is I dont think I could or would cope with what your going through. Having said that your doing what you think is best for everyone involved. Whatever happens you,ll know you've given it a better shot than most would have done.

Good luck.

[confusedinkansas]

Look, you want to know if she actually loves you right?

Get a lawyer and draft up the most 1 sided divorce possible... Take everything, the house, all cars, full custody, don't even leave her clothes. Then tell her to sign it and you will stay to work things out... and she will have to TRUST YOU. If things work out... remarry her.

 

This seems like throwing good money after bad & EXTREMELY unnecessary. Unless of course you are sure you want a divorce.

Playing russian roulette with life is a scary game.

 

most of the "doing what she can" part seems to be telling him lies for damage control.

 

Why is everyone so positive she's lying. Is it because she lied about the affair......Well DUH! But sounds to me like she's pulled herself up by her big girl panties & is taking responsibility for what happened. We're all human. We all have made mistakes. Many of us have lost our way in life.

 

Kayson - the bottom line is that you need to decide what's best for you.

Not what posters here tell you is going on or what you MUST DO!!

 

Please don't stay JUST for the sake of your children. Every marriage that I know where the couples stayed together for their kids - ended up in divorce court when the graduation ceremonies were over.

FYI - It is no easier telling a child that is 18 or 25 that you're splitting up. They may understand a little more than a 6 year old - but it's NOT easier.

 

Decide if you love your wife - First & foremost. Do you want to give her the benefit of the doubt right now & decide maybe she is telling the truth.....Maybe this really could work. (Yes, maybies - but right now that's about all you can go on - it's all too new) If you choose to give it time & then it doesn't work - well, at least you tried. Personally I'm not one that gives up on anything unless I've tried my best - That's all we can do.

 

It sounds to me like she's doing everything you're asking. NO It's NOT just Damage Control. How about this spin on things....SHE MEANS EVERY WORD & IS PLANNING TO FOLLOW THRU.....(I'm a 100% Never Again Gal myself!!!!) Posters here that only pick out one sentance & decide she's being selfish

She says, "I couldn't do it to myself again. The pain I see on you everyday if a reminder of what I did wrong.

That to me is not a selfish statement. It's killing her that she hurt you. She's hurt - You're hurt.

Edited July 23, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[Dexter Morgan]

kaysun...sounds like we are like minded. And with your description of how you feel, I don't think you are going to be happy staying with someone with the knowledge of what she did to you behind your back.

 

All i can tell you is, I know the idea of divorce is very scary. I wasn't looking forward to it. But for my own long term sanity, I knew I had to do it.

 

I braved through one year of the main parts of the divorce, getting agreement finalized. the next year was getting the house sold.

 

So I had 2 years of uncertainty and bulls##t to deal with.

 

But you have to tough out a couple years to save all the rest you have in your life.

[U2RockZz]

"We're all human. We all have made mistakes. Many of us have lost our way in life. "

 

can you stop writing this meaningless stuff....if i have one bottle of vodka i will give you 100 of those lines which actually do not have any meaning attached to it......

 

OP, you are too scared to do any thing cuz you feel your W might leave if you do any thing....that is no life.....living in fear is as good as dead...your wife is on damage control mode she is telling the things just to keep you from asking more questions....

 

"Confusedkink" has given her wisdom and insight into your situation....she herself have not told her H complete truth....if he knows probably he wouldn't be there...of course she wouldn't have written same thing if her H had divorced her....so think with your mind....

 

are you really sure her A would have ended if her OM found hive -ve.... if you are making decisions based on her words then you must be the dumbest...naive could be the right word....did you get the post-nupital yet....at least make sure you are financially stable by the end of this.......

Edited July 23, 2010 by U2RockZz

[confusedinkansas]

Wow - & see here I thought "We're All Human - We All Make Mistakes" is a pretty factual statement....Not a meaningless quote.

 

Kaysun - I'm just giving you the opinion of someone that's been in your wife's shoes. That's all. Others can post what they want about my specific situation but I think that's called Thread Jacking.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope nothing but the best for you & your family.

[kaysun]

The kids being so young, if your wife is on the whole a good mom, it probably makes sense to try to work on your marriage for a while, for their sake, if you can.

 

My wife is a good mother. I have zero doubts about that. I'm really struggling with making this work though, kids or not. I don't believe I can, for me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow - & see here I thought "We're All Human - We All Make Mistakes" is a pretty factual statement....Not a meaningless quote.

 

its an attempt to minimize the hurt and pain a cheater has caused.

 

and cheating isn't a mistake. its a conscious choice to gratify one's self with someone other than their committed partner.

 

 

Kaysun - I'm just giving you the opinion of someone that's been in your wife's shoes.

 

then maybe you can also explain to kaysun that you, as someone in his wife's shoes, were neither remorseful about the affair and told this forum you do not regret your affair.

 

so of course you are going to go to bat for his wife.

[jnj express]

Kaysun----what makes you think she still won't cheat on you again

 

1st she said that's something I would never do

 

2nd--Now it's something I will never do "again"

 

What if the same circumstances come up down the line after you maybe R., she will remember how you handled this incident, and if she thinks she can do it again, and you will still take her back---she will do it again WHY NOT???????

 

If you eventually do decide to stay---make her sign a Post--Nup. stating that if she does cheat, in any way, shape , or form, or even become overly friendly with the opposite sex, that she will only be allowed to take 20% of the marital assets should there be a divorce.

 

That may not keep her from cheating, but it will give her something to think about.

[kaysun]

Kaysun----what makes you think she still won't cheat on you again

 

1st she said that's something I would never do

 

2nd--Now it's something I will never do "again"

 

What if the same circumstances come up down the line after you maybe R., she will remember how you handled this incident, and if she thinks she can do it again, and you will still take her back---she will do it again WHY NOT???????

 

If you eventually do decide to stay---make her sign a Post--Nup. stating that if she does cheat, in any way, shape , or form, or even become overly friendly with the opposite sex, that she will only be allowed to take 20% of the marital assets should there be a divorce.

 

That may not keep her from cheating, but it will give her something to think about.

 

I don't know. I've asked that question to her and myself a hundred times over. I find myself wanting to believe her but, right now, I can't.

 

The thing with this affair was it was easy for them. They didn't have to really work to see each other, they just waited until the next show. I take care of the finances in my house and there's no money missing that can't be accounted for. I believe her when she says that she only spent money on a tank of gas. The ease of it scares the daylights out of me.

 

On the other hand, I do see my wife is hurt by what she did. I do think reality hit her hard. I just don't know if that is enough the next time someone whispers sweet nothings in her ear.

 

Why is walking away so hard?

[jnj express]

cuz walking away demands---a huge change in your life---

 

you also fear about how your family will be affected

 

Believe me if you do become a divorced/single---life will be fine----all the doubt, and triggers will be gone

 

Out of sight, out of mind will come into play, and with time you will be better off--

 

If you stay can you you see yourself ever trusting her, do you really wanna touch her knowing that a stranger has gone where only you were allowed to go, by sacred vows----can you say you won't always look over your shoulder, whenever she is out of touch with you

 

Boils down to what is best for you

[Binster]

Just wonderd if you'v had any legal advice yet.

[kaysun]

Just wonderd if you'v had any legal advice yet.

 

Yes, I talked to my lawyer weeks ago.

[michelangelo]

One more follow- up question for you Kaysun. Your wife engaged in a very long 14 month sexual affair behind your back with no intention of ever telling you the truth. Do you feel that one of the reasons for the length of the affair was her belief that if she did get caught, she knew that you would never divorce her so she really had nothing to lose. Is it possible that she knew your love for the kids would never allow you to divorce her so she could therefore engage in this long term humiliating to you affair without any fear of serious consequences from you?

 

I am just wondering if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her if she ever engaged in cheating, do you think she would have gone through with this sexual affair? My guess is that you are a really nice guy and she knew how to manipulate you if she ever got caught. In short, she never worried about the consequences of her actions because down deep she knew that there would not be any. Do you think if the roles had been reversed she would have been so accepting as you have been? She is irritated at you for the constant questioning? You have got to be kidding.

 

This describes the toxic way of my own wife to a T.

 

And my way of being as well.

 

She cheated for 8 years before she ended it, lied another 8 about the length of it.

 

Some women just do not care what they do to their husbands. If they can get away with it, they'll cheat and sleep like a baby. No shame.

[0hpenelope]

 

then maybe you can also explain to kaysun that you, as someone in his wife's shoes, were neither remorseful about the affair and told this forum you do not regret your affair.

 

so of course you are going to go to bat for his wife.

 

Sir, that is the most effective shutdown I have ever seen in the 2 short years I've been on these boards. Masterful.

 

kaysun, I am an outsider looking in, but my heart goes out to you and your children. I pity your wife. Good luck with everything and I'm sorry for the slight threadjack.

[turnera]

The bottom line is, there are Givers, and there are Takers. You married a Taker and nothing will make her become a Giver. Or even meet you halfway.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This seems like throwing good money after bad & EXTREMELY unnecessary. Unless of course you are sure you want a divorce.

Playing russian roulette with life is a scary game.

 

It would be terribly difficult to implement... and I couldn't see her going for it anyway.

 

Why is everyone so positive she's lying. Is it because she lied about the affair......Well DUH! But sounds to me like she's pulled herself up by her big girl panties & is taking responsibility for what happened. We're all human. We all have made mistakes. Many of us have lost our way in life.

Kayson - the bottom line is that you need to decide what's best for you.

Not what posters here tell you is going on or what you MUST DO!!

 

"Mistakes... lost our way...???" I think this goes way beyond that.

 

Sorry but this a very high level of emotional abuse. In my opinion it would be similar to her hiring someone to beat him into a coma.

 

Either way... whatever you call it... nobody should get a free pass. There should be consequences.

 

Your right... Kayson will make his own choices in this.... and he will have to live by the results as well. So he should weigh his options carefully.

 

Please don't stay JUST for the sake of your children. Every marriage that I know where the couples stayed together for their kids - ended up in divorce court when the graduation ceremonies were over.

FYI - It is no easier telling a child that is 18 or 25 that you're splitting up. They may understand a little more than a 6 year old - but it's NOT easier.

 

100% agree!

 

Decide if you love your wife - First & foremost. Do you want to give her the benefit of the doubt right now & decide maybe she is telling the truth.....Maybe this really could work. (Yes, maybies - but right now that's about all you can go on - it's all too new) If you choose to give it time & then it doesn't work - well, at least you tried. Personally I'm not one that gives up on anything unless I've tried my best - That's all we can do.

 

It could take up to 2 years to figure out if he still loves her... and he shouldn't be the one putting in effort here.

 

I suggest that if he is committed to fixing it, let his wife fix it. She caused the problem 100%... she should be putting in the effort to fix it. Asking him to do it is asinine. He doesn't have to decide anything for some time.

 

It sounds to me like she's doing everything you're asking. NO It's NOT just Damage Control. How about this spin on things....SHE MEANS EVERY WORD & IS PLANNING TO FOLLOW THRU.....(I'm a 100% Never Again Gal myself!!!!) Posters here that only pick out one sentance & decide she's being selfish

That to me is not a selfish statement. It's killing her that she hurt you. She's hurt - You're hurt.

 

You have what.... 1.5 yrs under your belt for that? I've gone 7... and some relationships make it harder than others. Come back and tell me your 100% in 8 more years.

 

Let me ask you this.... if it's killing her that she hurt Kayson... why did she do it in the firstplace. She potentially risked his life with HIV!!! That's messed up beyond words. It is impossible.... I'm going to repeat that... impossible to love someone and do that to them.

[Untouchable_Fire]

On the other hand, I do see my wife is hurt by what she did. I do think reality hit her hard. I just don't know if that is enough the next time someone whispers sweet nothings in her ear.

Why is walking away so hard?

 

Guy... it's not just about this not happening again. It DID happen... and you need to deal with that first.

 

You know... walking away was insanely hard for me. I had no kids, was young... unhappy as hell... and it was crazy hard. For you I cannot even imagine.

 

All I can say is... take your time. You can walk away whenever.

 

Has her employer been notified of this conduct?

[kaysun]

Guy... it's not just about this not happening again. It DID happen... and you need to deal with that first.

 

You know... walking away was insanely hard for me. I had no kids, was young... unhappy as hell... and it was crazy hard. For you I cannot even imagine.

 

All I can say is... take your time. You can walk away whenever.

 

Has her employer been notified of this conduct?

 

No, not yet. She's scared to notify them. She has 15 years in and knows she'll lose her job. The OM will also lose his job. The OM's W is a SAHM so they'll really take a hit.

 

I've threatened to send emails to all her co-workers outlining what happened but I'm concerned of the consequences of that action. I'm concerned it will come back on me in a bad way thru the courts.

[confusedinkansas]

then maybe you can also explain to kaysun that you, as someone in his wife's shoes, were neither remorseful about the affair and told this forum you do not regret your affair.

 

Sure - No problem..Be glad to.

I am not remorseful because (as I have explained many times) of what was going on in my marriage at the time & several years before & for a while after. I am not remorseful because my husband was into his own world as I was into mine. But that does not mean that I am going to go out & do it again. No Way! Never!

 

You have what.... 1.5 yrs under your belt for that? I've gone 7... and some relationships make it harder than others. Come back and tell me your 100% in 8 more years.

It'll be 3 years in September.

 

so of course you are going to go to bat for his wife

It's not sticking up FOR her. It's just making the point that it can be done. People have changed & have made decisions to Never Again be in a situation like that. I know that after such an "event" in one's marriage - after the devistation & the dust has settled........She can (just like me) say NEVER AGAIN & mean it & stick to it.

 

He can either give her the benefit of the doubt & see if the marriage works. Or he can chuck the whole thing & be gone! 2 choices. The same 2 choices everyone has when this happens.

 

Has her employer been notified of this conduct?

I will never understand why an affair (or the aftermath) has to be as drama filled as this. Tell everybody that will listen........For what purpose?

 

Anyway, it sounds as if you've already made your mind up. Guess that beats sitting on the fence.

[turnera]

kaysun, what exactly is your status? Has she stopped the affair? Are you divorcing? What's going on?

[kaysun]

kaysun, what exactly is your status? Has she stopped the affair? Are you divorcing? What's going on?

 

The affair ended in Jan. I haven't started divorce proceedings yet. We're all still at home, under the same roof, taking it day by day.

[turnera]

They still work together?

[kaysun]

They still work together?

 

They never worked together in the sense that they are under the same building working for the same company. The OM works for a vendor of my wife's company. All correspondence has been shifted over to another person within the company.

[U2RockZz]

"But that does not mean that I am going to go out & do it again. No Way! Never!"

 

ya...you did that twice with the same man now you say never.....i guess, 3 is your lucky number

 

"I will never understand why an affair (or the aftermath) has to be as drama filled as this. Tell everybody that will listen........For what purpose? :confused:"

 

ya..."thrill is yours bill is mine"

 

you wrote 500 pages novel about your whirlwind romance with OM...now you do not want to publicize it....you created the drama now you do not want to take the credit for it.....

 

what if OP got HIV out of it....