Husband is rude and has no manners, what can I do?

[aloe]

I've only been married for 2.5 years and already I feel like I'm heading for a loveless marriage. I should still be in the passionate stage but unfortunately that's not the case.

 

I love my husband very much, we dated for 2 years before getting married and he would always be polite, caring, loving, generous, etc. on our dates. We always got along very well except for a few arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary.

 

As we settled in the first year of marriage, his "true" personality came out, he would still be very loving, except that I noticed that he would be rude to me! For example, he never "asks" for something, like "honey, can you bring me the milk please?" it will be more like yelling "hey, bring me the milk ok!" When I call him, he doesn't say "what honey" or something like that, but more like "WHAAAAAAAAATT!" which annoys me to no end. When I clean his laundry or find something that he was really looking for for example, he never says thank you, more like "whatever". He doesn't say good morning or good night, thank you or please, or I'm sorry, etc. He doesn't see anything wrong with farting in front of me or making disgusting jokes. If his feet smell for example, instead of being shy about it, he'll make a joke about it and flaunt it. He has no manners whatsoever, and to me, manners are very important, that's the way I was brought up. I feel like I'm living with Tarzan!

 

I've tried telling him many times that his attitude is annoying and bothers me, that he should be more respectful and considerate. He just says that I'm too picky and delicate. And he continues because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I've stopped telling him since there's no use, so I tried teaching by example, like right after I say thank you or please, I say "see, I do appreciate what you did for me so I say thank you". It works for a while, but he returns to his old habits again. I've tried being very very loving and patient, it doesn't work.

 

I ran out of patience, so I used his attitude just so he sees how he treats me and see if he likes it! He yells, I yell, he doesn't say thank you, I don't either, he says a rude comment, I do too, etc. Well, I thought he would be bothered by it, but to my big disappointment, he doesn't see anything wrong with that! OMG I guess he expects to be mistreated or thinks that's the way a couple "bonds"?

 

So all of this has made me lose respect and love for him. We are growing apart and I don't know what to do anymore. If it wasn't for his rude manners, I would still be very much in love with him. Anyone has a good, efficient method for teaching him good manners or is it too late? Like "can't teach an old dog a new trick" type of thing? We're both 32. Hope there's a solution I haven't thought of!

Edited June 19, 2010 by aloe

[What_Next]

Aloe, do yourself and your marriage a favor. Tell him your feelings, and suggest a MC.

 

Even though it's hard for me to admit (trust me VERY hard) I was that guy for years in my own marriage. I was rude, disrespectful and short with my wife. I was emotionally detached. You might think he is doing it with mal-intent, but he likely isn't. There may be deep seeded reasons behind it. For me there were.

 

My marriage is on the brink of D right now. It took life changing events for me to realize not only WHAT I was doing, but more importantly WHY. Be prepared though if you do go down this road to have a look inward at yourself.

 

If you are willing to work at your marriage you might succeed. Don't let this continue, make it clear to your H that it needs to be addressed.

 

Good luck.

[aloe]

Hi What_Next, thank you for the reply. I'm sorry you are on the brink of divorce.

 

Can you tell me WHY you were behaving like that with your wife? Did she let you know it bothered her and what did you do about it?

 

I just don't get how my husband can think it's ok to act like Tarzan and still have some sort of decent husband/wife relationship.

 

I am sick of it and what keeps me going is my love for him. But I'm very discouraged. I hope he will change before it's too late.

[What_Next]

Aloe, while is it hard to get into it in a public forum I can say that years of not communicating coupled with a EA that we never dealt with was the start. It went downhill from there into an almost spiral. The more my wife closed herself off to me, the worse our communication became. The worse our communication became the more I acted out.

 

She did mention things to me from time to time, but I am a bad listener and never heard her. I also mentioned things to her that I would like changed and she never did anything one way or the other. In retrospect we were both too stupid to see what was sitting right in front of us.

 

You have to find some way to get it across to him how badly broken your marriage is. If you continue down this path it will eventually lead to an unhappy ending.

 

If he doesn't respond to MC you might want to consider leaving for a while.

[whichwayisup]

I love my husband very much, we dated for 2 years before getting married and he would always be polite, caring, loving, generous, etc. on our dates.

 

Ask him what happened this guy?

 

Also, ask him how HE would feel if you stopped trying. You put on tons of weight, stopped shaving your legs, let yourself go, stopped having sex with him, and stopped cooking meals. Ask him honestly how happy HE would be if that had happened.

 

Tell him you're 'this close' to leaving and divorcing him if he doesn't start wooing you again, treating you with respect and overall not being such a pig.

 

Also, mention that this is making you resent him, feel less love and respect for him too. He needs a kick in the butt.

[aloe]

What is a EA?

 

Thank you for the help, but talking with him this issue is a dead-end situation.

To give him a kick in the butt like you said, I have told him harsh stuff like "you are SUCH a pig, please stop, you are disgusting, that is NOT how I thought you'd be, etc", and he laughs it off, doesn't take me seriously.

 

Basically I have given up, I just don't tell him anything anymore and let him act out. I have become immune to his behavior. So we don't communicate anymore, or very little, because I resent him and I'm hurt by his primitive manners. He doesn't seem to mind that I'm not as loving or expressive as before! Which brings me to wonder if he still loves me but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

I really thought that me acting exactly like he does would make him "wake up". How can he accept or think it's normal that you yell at each other, don't say thank you or please, or don't say sorry when you've hurt the other person?? To me that's basic behavior, and it should come out naturally even more so in a relationship! I don't expect him to know all the social etiquettes of the world but at least the basic ones!

 

I guess when we dated he would put his best front but you only really get to know someone when you live with them.

[aloe]

You have to find some way to get it across to him how badly broken your marriage is. If you continue down this path it will eventually lead to an unhappy ending.

I know I know I know....I am desperately looking for a solution (beside MC)....this is so sad.

[whichwayisup]

Which brings me to wonder if he still loves me but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

Ask him outright. "DO you still love me? I wonder alot of the time because of the way you treat me. Before we were married, you told me, showed me and we had fun together, laughed and were connected. What happened? Why did things change? Are you unhappy? Do you want to separate or get divorced? Because the way things are going now, I'm unhappy and thoughts of separation or divorce is on my mind.. I DO love you but if things don't change with us soon, for the better, we're going to end up hating eachother."

 

Something like THAT will wake him up. Be honest, speak from your heart.

[giotto]

can I just say that I find incredible that you are putting up with such disgraceful behaviour? He is not an animal... I agree with whichwayisup... he needs a litlte waking-up call...

[Shakz]

I know I know I know....I am desperately looking for a solution (beside MC)....this is so sad.

 

Well I don't know that you have any other options short of separation. This is something that has to be negotiated. If he won't address the issue it's probably because he doesn't believe there is one. He's fine disrespecting you, treating you worse than a perfect stranger, and it's certainly not your doing. He took a vow to love, honor, and respect you. Does he care nothing for his own word? Ultimatums will only be sneered at, and attempts to give him a taste of his own medicine have backfired. All that's left is negotiation, or temporary separation,if your marriage can be saved.

Edited June 20, 2010 by Shakz

[GreenBamboo]

Maybe he thinks since you two are married then you are 'his'.

 

Can you think another way: how is his other actions? Because action is more important than words.

 

If you think manners are part of the required 'action' and can not change how that makes you feel, then tell him 'Honey although we are married but I am still a separated individual and I am not yours. I like your manner when we dated. If you can't treat me respectively then let's go back to dating. In order to prove I am not yours I am also dating other people who respect me and with better manner. Your rudeness is killing my love to you anyway so let's both go back to the healthy way'.

[Jilly Bean]

He sounds unbearable, OP, and I fear if you stay with him, you will continue to BECOME him, as it seems right now you are trying to fight fire with fire, and sinking to his level.

 

I think WWIU gave you great advice - ask him what happened to the sweet, romantic, kind and thoughtful man you married.

[What_Next]

Aloe, an EA is an emotional affair, usually through text/phone/Internet.

 

 

You can see what the LS community is telling you. You have said that you are looking for options besides MC, well I'm here to tell you that if there is any hope of recovering MC will BE part of that.

 

You are likely going to need to seperate to shock his system. He has NO right to treat you like this. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. I had NO right to be disrespectful and rude to my wife. I don't think I was as bad as your H is but the behavior had deep seeded causes in my case and the first step to correcting them is often a shock.

 

In my case it was a cathartic event that was closely followed by my wife deciding to end our marriage. It did fundamentally change me, it CAN happen.

 

I don't know what to say beyond the fact that you are here seems to indicate you are looking for options. Well you've been given some.

[GreenBamboo]

I ran out of patience, so I used his attitude just so he sees how he treats me and see if he likes it! He yells, I yell, he doesn't say thank you, I don't either, he says a rude comment, I do too, etc. Well, I thought he would be bothered by it, but to my big disappointment, he doesn't see anything wrong with that! OMG I guess he expects to be mistreated or thinks that's the way a couple "bonds"?

 

Some people think a couple don't need the 'please, thank you, sorry'. My bother is that way to her wife, and her wife just laughs it off when he is rude, or yells back and let it pass. On the other hand, my brother is a good provider, responsible inside the house, and a good father. Never cheat or has other major problems (drinking or violent). My brother is polite to other people except the wife. And the wife is ok because she knows he is good-hearted and doesn't see her as somebody else. I think the wife is looking for other things (security etc.) other than the manner.

 

I said above just want you to see things in another way. But your H must be different than my brother since no two people are the same. And even if your H is better, still I can not change how you feel except yourself - you feel what you feel.

Edited June 21, 2010 by GreenBamboo

[D-Lish]

Farting and smelly feet aren't deal breakers. You can't expect to marry someone and not think you'll have to deal with the worst part of them.

 

The other disrespectful behaviour I understand and def see as a problem.

Getting upset about farting or smelly feet is an uptight response.

 

My ex H used to fart in his sleep when we were dating. It used to wake me up at night. He farted by accident on the second date- Farting isn't reason for divorce.