should i tell her husband

[Exgirlfriend]

I just recently found out that my boyfriend is seeing a married woman. We have separated because of this. I have enough info that I could easily reveal this info to this woman's husband about what is going on behind his back. I'm so angry about this and can't think clearly and just want to seek revenge because I've been lied to for a long time.

 

I need responses on why I should or should not do it. Please help me to decide if I would be right or wrong in doing this.

 

Thanks!

[Kat]

I would, but I am sure a lot of people would say not too.

 

 

I believe that 'what you donm't know can't hurt you' is a load of rubbish.

 

If I was him, I would want to know. if you were him would you?

[Nameless]

Although i think telling him would all be for the wwrong reason, but he does have the right to know. So just tell him and dont get involved in anything else.

[Exgirlfriend]

Thanks you two for responding.

 

Yes Kat I would want to know, definitely!!!!

 

Nameless, I agree it would be for the wrong reasons which is why I'm having such a hard time deciding.

 

Thanks again!

[SoleMate]

I would be OH SO TEMPTED and yet I would refrain, because in my mind, there's no way to tell tales like that, even if they're 100% true, without feeling like I'm a slimewad...

 

Also, I would be afraid of the blowback. You could have it coming at you from three different directions. They'll ALL blame you. The husband may call you a liar, the wife will want to scratch your eyes out, and your ex-bf will lose all guilt feelings because you got down in the gutter with him.

 

Fantasize about sweet revenge, but take the high road. That's my advice.

[midori]

I don't think that holding your tongue in this case constitutes taking the high road. We often read posts from Other Women who, upon realizing that their married lovers are never leaving their wives/primary girlfriends, consider revealing their affair to the wives/girlfriends. That, in my view, is lashing out and unethical, because the affair was all right with the OW until they discovered they weren't going to get what they wanted. Then, suddenly, they think the wife/girlfriend has a right to know. Yeah, right.

 

But in your case, you were deceived by your boyfriend, and his affair ultimately ended your relationship with him. You were never a knowing participant in the husband's deception -- you weren't a participant at all. Telling him in this case would be akin to letting someone else who's being suckered by a scam know about the money you lost because you were suckered by it too.

 

Revenge might well be part of your motive, but I think you are within your rights to expose what has been going on. Don't be invested in getting the husband to believe you -- he will or he won't, that's up to him. In fact I'd advise against having much interaction with the husband, you don't really want to get caught up in their mess.

 

Sorry this has happened to you. I hope you'll soon find someone much better than your ex-boyfriend.

[jester]

I would want to know if there any children involved. If so, I would probably hold back. You certainly may tell your ex-bf that he's a complete and total a**hole, and maybe even tell mutual friends.

 

If kids are involved, I'd probably show some restraint--more than the mother/wife is showing.

 

If no children are involved, go for it.

[midori]

I think one of the weird things about modern society is how detached people are from each other. I'm glad we don't live in communities where everyone is constantly monitoring other people's activities (well I don't anyway!) but there is something to be said for the power of shame. I'm certainly not advocating a vendetta, in which she sets out to "make him pay" for what he did, but why shouldn't she tell her friends what's been going on -- including friends she shared with him? Why should he be sheltered from others' bad opinions -- he's the one who's doing something he knows is wrong. He's relying on the embarrassment and misplaced discretion of the woman he cheated on to keep things quiet.

 

I think affairs would be much less likely to carry on long-term if the cheated-upon partners didn't bite their tongues. Why should Exgirlfriend have to dissemble and avoid talking about why she & her boyfriend broke up? She's got nothing to be ashamed of -- he does. And she owes him not one bit of loyalty or discretion. Personally I think that includes telling the husband, but of course that's up to her.

 

I don't know that it matters whether or not they have children. The affair was enough to break up one relationship, and while granted, a marriage with children is more substantial than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, the affair could break up the marriage too. The husband has a right to know, to prepare himself. Whether or not the children find out will be up to their parents. Obviously Exgirlfriend's goal in telling the husband should not be to break up the marriage or harm the family, but simply to expose their harmful behavior to the light of day. In keeping quiet, Exgirlfriend is complicit in the husband's duping, although I would find it hard to blame her if in the end she chose not to say anything. It's a tricky situation, but I do think in this case that telling is better than not telling. Maybe telling will serve as a wake-up call to the wife, get her to realize all that she's jeopardizing. As long as it's kept a secret, the wife doesn't have to worry.

 

"Ignorance is bliss" ... it's possible, but unlikely I think. Are partners really better off not knowing? I made the decision to not tell a friend of mine that her husband was having multiple affairs (how I came to discover this is a long story, but I'm quite sure of my info). I agonized over it for a while though. I decided not to in the end because I was pretty sure that she already knew. Given that, I figured it wasn't up to me to bring it up, embarrass her, or make her feel that she needed to take action she wasn't prepared to take.

 

Given the choice between knowing and not knowing, I'd take knowing every time. I think everyone deserves to have that chance. How they handle the news is entirely up to them. Unlike a 3rd-person observer (as I was when I made the unfortunate discovery about my friend's husband), Exgirlfriend was directly affected by the affair. She knows it's happening for a fact, there's no speculation involved. She has been pained by it, and in keeping it secret from the husband she is allowing a situation to continue that will cause more pain for the husband the longer it goes on. I think that gives her the right to speak up, whether or not the married couple have children. If there are children, the wife failed to take them into consideration when she started the affair; being exposed to her husband is a foreseeable consequence of her actions.

[jester]

midori, you have made compelling arguments in favor of disclosure. In the context of this Thread, however, I must disagree.

 

Exgirlfriend tells us that she wants revenge. No noble motives are driving her to tattle on the cheating wife.

 

I believe just cause exists to inform on the cheating spouse when no minor children are involved. Where I have a problem is Exgirlfriend dropping a thermonuclear bomb on a family with minor children because she wants vengeance.I don't believe the abstract interests you invoke, midori, however noble in other contexts, justifies turning this family into Ground Zero. And yes, I'm aware that the cheating wife assumed this risk when she strayed. Nevertheless, this is not a risk the children assumed--or should have to bear.

 

So, Exgirlfriend, my advice is to think long and hard before you inform if kids are involved. Because if you do, you would have lost a boyfriend but those children may lose a mother or father. Is the compounding of such wrenching emotional loss worth the taste of revenge?

 

Think about it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My friend is cheating on her husband. Do I tell?

 

No.

 

My friend’s husband is cheating on her. Do I tell?

 

Yes.… but ONLY if I don’t consider both parties mutual friends. If my loyalties are divided, I’d keep my mouth shut and look the other way.

 

I am the other woman, do I tell his wife?

 

No. Not if I was already aware that he was married. My decision, my consequence. But if he lied to me about being involved, then YES!

 

My husband cheated on me with another married woman. Do I tell her husband?

 

H*LL YES!!

[reservoirdog1]

Even if there are children involved... simply telling the OW's H won't wreck the marriage. OW has already wrecked her own marriage, only her husband doesn't know it yet. Exgirlfriend can't wreck what's already broken.

 

I have been in the exact position of the H. Two of my friends sat TBXW down two summers ago and told her that they knew she'd screwed around on me. Told her to break it off or they'd tell me. She'd supposedly already broken off the sexual relationship, though the emotional one continued for some time after that. She confessed everything this past August. I can't blame them for having not told me, because I have no idea what I'd do in their sh*tty situation. But, I don't believe in blissful ignorance. I deserved to have all the information.

 

The point being, in this case I'm not sure that Exgirlfriend's motives are that relevant. Her ex-boyfriend is being a scumbag. OW is being a scumbag. I think the relevant question is, what is objectively the right thing to do? In my view, OW's H should know. He has a right to be able to make a decision about whether or not he wants to stay with a cheating wife. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Exgirlfriend has a duty to tell OW's H, but I think she can safely tell OW's H without feeling guilty about the consequences. Those consequences are totally the fault of OW and her selfish and thoughtless actions.

[midori]

Originally posted by jester

Exgirlfriend tells us that she wants revenge. No noble motives are driving her to tattle on the cheating wife.

 

I believe just cause exists to inform on the cheating spouse when no minor children are involved. Where I have a problem is Exgirlfriend dropping a thermonuclear bomb on a family with minor children because she wants vengeance.I don't believe the abstract interests you invoke, midori, however noble in other contexts, justifies turning this family into Ground Zero. And yes, I'm aware that the cheating wife assumed this risk when she strayed. Nevertheless, this is not a risk the children assumed--or should have to bear.

 

I maintain that Exgirlfriend's motives are beside the point. She is uniquely positioned, both in terms of access to information and direct experience of the pain associated with that information, to share it with the deceived husband. If it gives her some satisfaction in doing so, what's the problem?

 

The kids are already involved, whether the wife intended them to be or not. Exgirlfriend is not sparing them by holding her tongue. Rather, she is allowing the very situation that threatens their family's stability to continue unchecked if she keeps silent. Explain, why should she be their secret keeper? Why should she be an unwilling party to an illicit relationship conducted by a grown woman who has obligations to children and a husband? The longer the affair goes on, the greater the threat it will pose to the marriage. How much can the husband forgive (who knows, we can't, but I'd be willing to bet that it would be easier to get over a spouse's relatively brief fling than a long-standing affair)? How long will it go on before Mommy Dearest decides that she wants out of the marriage altogether so that she can be with her lover full-time?

 

Jester, I think your argument is based on the idea that if the husband remains ignorant of the affair, the family will remain stable and intact. I think that's too much to assume. And I think it's ridiculous to ask Exgirlfriend to hold her tongue out of consideration for the children, when a) there's no evidence that doing so is in their best interest, and b) their own mother doesn't seem to feel the need to consider how her actions will affect them. Is it better for kids to live in a house of deception, with long-simmering resentment, lack of honesty, and one parent whose energies are devoted elsewhere? Does anyone think that the husband will be in the dark about this forever?

 

How about this as a compromise: Exgirlfriend gets in touch with "Loving Wife," and tells her that in one week's time she will be revealing the affair to LW's husband -- so LW can break off the affair, permanently, or be exposed as a cheating spouse. Then the decision about whether or not to impact her children will be placed squarely on the shoulders of LW, and Exgirlfriend can take comfort in knowing that she acted in the best interests of her fellow-dupee, the poor benighted husband.

 

Frankly I think Exgirlfriend would still be better off telling the husband directly. She shouldn't make choices for him, as to what he should and shouldn't know. His Dear Wife has been doing that for a while now.

 

I know there are lots of complicated things tied up in affairs. I know that children can get caught in the middle and get hurt. Unfortunately, in this situation, the children are already set up to get hurt. One of the main players has made her choices, and her choices are not in her children's best interests. It's too late for anyone but her -- the wife -- to avert the consequences of those choices.

 

PS: if we put the children's supposed "happiness" above the husband's right to know that his marriage is in dire trouble, where does that leave us? Assuming that the husband never finds out, and the wife doesn't leave the marriage for her lover, we still end up with children growing up in a household where one parent is living in ignorance of how the other really feels about him. They will be exposed to a marriage whose basic premise -- "we're a happy & devoted couple" -- is fraudulent. Even small kids pick up on insincerity and dishonesty.

 

And let's face it, the husband will find out. Sooner or later, he will find out. How much b.s. will the family have absorbed in the meantime? How many family photos will be unbearable for the husband to even look at because he'll know they were taken while his wife's affections were directed elsewhere, that the "happy family" depicted in the photos is a lie?

 

Lastly, even in the very unlikely event that no one ever finds out about the affair and the wife is a very good actress, how far are parents supposed to go to spare their children from a painful reality? Kids' "right" to live in ignorance of their mother's infidelity trumps their father's right to know about it? Huh? I don't think that's either logical or reasonable.