I'm shattered

[TroyNJ]

I have been married to my wife for 15 years, we have one 13 year old daughter together. I haven't been the best husband, 4 years ago I had a EA and it really shook my wife, at the time I felt unloved (no excuse)and made a very bad choice.

 

After the EA my wife & I started to move forward the EA would come up alot and I understood why, I became a open book to her because I wanted to help her to try and get over it. For the most part things were normal, I work and she stays at home I earn a good living even with this aconomy.

 

In July of 09 I lost my Job due to cutbacks at work, I live in southern NJ. I tried to find a job in my field local but alas I couldn't. A good opportunity came up in Georgia (where I am now), we decided I would come here and work and her and my daughter would come down in June of this year when my daughter got out of school. I left in November of last year and came to Georgia, I immediately had a very hard time being away from them but I knew I had to do it. I would cry myself to sleep most nights and my wife did try to help me reassuring me that it would be ok. I was able to get home at least twice a month for 2 or 3 days at a time. The time home was great we made love spent family time etc.

 

I went home last weekend and we had our normal great time I had to leave on tuesday to get back in Georgia. She TEXTS me on Web. that she isn't happy and wants a divorce????? I was like wtf, she says she can't let go what I did 4 years ago. Why didn't she tell me when I was home, I'm not a violent person? I;m completely devestated and crushed, I can't eat my mind is mush and to make matters worse I have no support system here, I'm alone. She has turned so cold, I know what I need to do (180 etc) but my God I don't know what to do.

 

I'm down here 800 miles from home working for our family and she does this to me, I need some support and fast! Do I not call her at all? I can't think straight and don't want to push her further away. I have checked cell, e-mail no sign of affair but who knows??? Help me please.

[LivingInMomsBasement]

I am sorry you are in this predicament. I have had long distance relationships....and I have had an EA. I never told my husband about it because I knew it would be a never ending discussion. Can you get some counseling or find a support group where you are at? My affair was a symptom of something being wrong... I did eventually leave my husband and it's been a tough road dealing with my guilt, etc. I would give her space but still talk to her, etc. Think about the conversations you want to have before talking to her so that you have a chance at an actual conversation....not just an emotional break down. What does she need? What will it take for her to forgive? Is she willing to go to counseling? Would it be different if you moved back? As a woman, I have had a hard time dealing with stories about ex-girlfriends that were before I was in the picture...I can't imagine how I would deal with knowing all the details of an EA. Women tend to play this stuff over and over in their heads. Hang in there....keep your cool....and let her know you love her and are willing to do whatever it takes. She has to tell you what it will take.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Too late at least right now, when a woman says she's unhappy and wants out,she has already left emotionally, I'm not trying to be harsh but it's reality..she never got past the EA and the time away made for a lot of thinking alone, whether or not a spouse tells the other of an EA/PA, the affect it has on the spouse not in the affair is devastating..during that time the spouse in the affair is basically putting their spouse on the back burner, I never told my wife about my 20 mo PA but it didn't matter, she sensed it and it snowballed to where she had decided she lost interest also, we stayed together another 2 yrs but the damage was done and I was married 17 yrs and 2 kids..IMO being apart for any length with unsolved issues is only going to destroy the marriage..remember, by the time a spouse builds up the nerve to let the other know they want out..they have clearly decided well before telling...good luck..we reap what we sow is so true.

[habs53]

I agree staying apart with unsolved issues is bad. How to get the other side to talk about it is another story. I find personally, when i am nice to my ex she is nice back and listens. When i am negative in anyway, she jumps right to there is no hope. Its a very sensative line.

Anyways have hope and be very positve with her. Give her some space and dont smother her. But do let her know how you feel about her evey once in a while. Not to often because it wont mean anything. This is the advice i got form two women that both left there husbands with i dont love you anymore routine. They have both returned and they are very happy. Its not always bad news as many on here think it is.

Edited June 20, 2010 by habs53

[wrencn]

I am so sorry for you. I actually did this to my husband back in 2001- I had to move for a military obligation and once I was on my own I started to doubt my marriage. We lived apart for about 8 months, but we eventually reconciled- so please don't give up hope!

 

I hate to do this to another SAHM but my advice to you is to pull back completely, tell her you will give her a divorce. Tell her she needs to start looking for a job now. Tell her to figure out what she wants in the divorce. Get really tough with her, she needs to be slapped back into reality.

 

I posted an ad on craigslist when my husband told me he wanted a divorce (two weeks ago) under 'strictly platonic' asking if others were going through a divorce. I have made some friends and had people to talk to me who know what I'm going through and they also gave me great advice.

 

So pull back now, no matter how much you hurt, act mysterious, start hitting the weights, start reading, make yourself look as good as possible- this will help no matter the outcome.

 

If it is any help, a few days ago I thought I wasn't going to make it, I was ready to give up on life... hang in there and take it one day at a time. When people told me it would get better I didn't believe them and I know things are going to get worse before they are better but know what you feel isn't permanent.

[seibert253]

Sorry for the pickle you now find yourself in.

I'm gonna ask you one question no one else has; has another man entered the picture in your absence?

 

Before you say your W would never do that, look up all of us chaps who thought the same. Many of us are admitted fools for thinking that.

 

You need to investigate and do your homework to see what enemy you're facing, before taking action.

[SummerLady]

I have been married to my wife for 15 years, we have one 13 year old daughter together. I haven't been the best husband, 4 years ago I had a EA and it really shook my wife, at the time I felt unloved (no excuse)and made a very bad choice.

 

After the EA my wife & I started to move forward the EA would come up alot and I understood why, I became a open book to her because I wanted to help her to try and get over it. For the most part things were normal, I work and she stays at home I earn a good living even with this aconomy.

 

In July of 09 I lost my Job due to cutbacks at work, I live in southern NJ. I tried to find a job in my field local but alas I couldn't. A good opportunity came up in Georgia (where I am now), we decided I would come here and work and her and my daughter would come down in June of this year when my daughter got out of school. I left in November of last year and came to Georgia, I immediately had a very hard time being away from them but I knew I had to do it. I would cry myself to sleep most nights and my wife did try to help me reassuring me that it would be ok. I was able to get home at least twice a month for 2 or 3 days at a time. The time home was great we made love spent family time etc.

 

I went home last weekend and we had our normal great time I had to leave on tuesday to get back in Georgia. She TEXTS me on Web. that she isn't happy and wants a divorce????? I was like wtf, she says she can't let go what I did 4 years ago. Why didn't she tell me when I was home, I'm not a violent person? I;m completely devestated and crushed, I can't eat my mind is mush and to make matters worse I have no support system here, I'm alone. She has turned so cold, I know what I need to do (180 etc) but my God I don't know what to do.

 

I'm down here 800 miles from home working for our family and she does this to me, I need some support and fast! Do I not call her at all? I can't think straight and don't want to push her further away. I have checked cell, e-mail no sign of affair but who knows??? Help me please.

 

The other posts are right on, she sounds like she made up her mind. Try to get back to Jersey so you are close to your daughter and support system, you want to live near your daughter, at least within 2 hours, this will be brought up in court. Start looking for a job now and have one by the time the first court apperance is. The reality is she has moved on in her head, so be prepared for it to end. If you are prepared you will not be as grieve stricken when it actually ends, if that is the case. This will not happen over night. get counseling there for now or someone you can talk to. You should not deal with this alone. Divorce is hard even if its for the best, there is no way to make it sound pretty its not.. Even the easiest of divorces are downers. BUT you will come out smarter and stronger. It all takes time..

[TroyNJ]

Thanks for all the replies guys, I'm still having wild emotional swings. I have completed my first full day of not texting or calling here and it wasn't easy:lmao:. I think she is a "walk away wife" but I'm no expert.

 

You guys gave me some solid advice, unfortunately I broke almost every rule such as crying to her, I didn't beg but still looked weak:mad: which actually pisses me off now. I will give her space and just try to work on myself.

 

When I came down here to work she reassured me things were ok, I had NO reason to believe my marriage was in trouble. Now that im threw the "shock & awe" I just have to take it one day at a time. I'm going black as I feel for now it's my only option. I will keep u all updated & thanks for the support.

[TroyNJ]

I am so sorry for you. I actually did this to my husband back in 2001- I had to move for a military obligation and once I was on my own I started to doubt my marriage. We lived apart for about 8 months, but we eventually reconciled- so please don't give up hope!

 

I hate to do this to another SAHM but my advice to you is to pull back completely, tell her you will give her a divorce. Tell her she needs to start looking for a job now. Tell her to figure out what she wants in the divorce. Get really tough with her, she needs to be slapped back into reality.

 

I posted an ad on craigslist when my husband told me he wanted a divorce (two weeks ago) under 'strictly platonic' asking if others were going through a divorce. I have made some friends and had people to talk to me who know what I'm going through and they also gave me great advice.

 

So pull back now, no matter how much you hurt, act mysterious, start hitting the weights, start reading, make yourself look as good as possible- this will help no matter the outcome.

 

If it is any help, a few days ago I thought I wasn't going to make it, I was ready to give up on life... hang in there and take it one day at a time. When people told me it would get better I didn't believe them and I know things are going to get worse before they are better but know what you feel isn't permanent.

 

This is almost exactly my plan, thanks for sharing!

[TroyNJ]

After much sould searching last night I have come to the conclusion that there has to me a OM, it's the only logical explaination. No way for me to find out for sure because I'm 800 miles from home working. I'm getting stronger every day but I still hurt beyond words. I mean how could she do this?

[romango]

I mean how could she do this?

 

 

The same way you had an affair.

[TroyNJ]

The same way you had an affair.

 

 

Damn, good point! ugh

[Jilly Bean]

Gosh, I hate to say it, but I think karma has swung back on your heinie.

 

I agree with the others - she sounds done. I'm sure the distance showed her she could do fine without you. Being apart was similar to being divorced, so she got to try it on for size, and realized she was good with it.

 

I'm not sure if she has an OM. Though I suppose it's irrelevant at this point.

 

Horrible to think this was festering for her for 4 years, but from what I understand, most marriages don't recover from affairs.

 

Do you have friends and family to talk to, Troy?

[TroyNJ]

Gosh, I hate to say it, but I think karma has swung back on your heinie.

 

I agree with the others - she sounds done. I'm sure the distance showed her she could do fine without you. Being apart was similar to being divorced, so she got to try it on for size, and realized she was good with it.

 

I'm not sure if she has an OM. Though I suppose it's irrelevant at this point.

 

Horrible to think this was festering for her for 4 years, but from what I understand, most marriages don't recover from affairs.

 

Do you have friends and family to talk to, Troy?

 

 

I just can't find any evidence of a OM, if she's doing it it's super stealth. My feelings for her are now pure hate (that will likely change I know) I have apologized a million times for what I did, been a open book, we even went away on a second honeymoon after renewing our wedding vowels. I admitted all my short comings (selfish being the biggest). She admitted the changes even thanked me for them, I let her know she didn't have to thank me because this is what I wanted to do and I meant it.

 

She acted strange this time last year it was early summer, she told me she was a bit unhappy but we worked that out, it seems like every spring/early summer she flips for whatever reason. Her side of the family are basically a mess and does cause her stress, now I think she's blaming me for all her unhappyness??

 

I have absolutely nobody to talk to down here, I do talk to my mom everyday but thats by phone, she is 80 years old and really doesn't deserve to hear me dump on her. I have just basically given up and feel this is what I deserve for what I did 4 years ago. I make good money and she will get all she can, she told me as much. I'm searching for some peace but haven't found any yet, I guess this is Gods way of making me a better person. I still really cant eat, I've lost 14 pounds in 12 days and my stomach feels like a blender. I have so much hate in me right now and I know it's not a good thing but I also know this is a normal emotion to go through.

[wrencn]

I am very sorry for you Troy- yes you made a big mistake but if she forgave you for it in the past then it doesn't give her an excuse to treat you like this now. People are going to screw up. It isn't like you are a serial cheater.

 

Yes your feelings are normal. I went from hating my husband and wishing death on him, to placing him on a pedestal and feeling that this is all my fault and that he is the perfect man Today- I still feel a lot of guilt and remorse, but who knows what tomorrow will be like.

 

I'm not trying to be a pill pusher, but you should see someone to help get your anxiety under control. It will help you make better decisions. I've been taking meds for about 3 weeks now and it has made a world of difference, I'm still sad/upset, but I no longer think that it is the end of the world- I am able to function.

 

I hope there isn't an OM, that will only make things more complicated- don't give up hope!!!!!

[TroyNJ]

I am very sorry for you Troy- yes you made a big mistake but if she forgave you for it in the past then it doesn't give her an excuse to treat you like this now. People are going to screw up. It isn't like you are a serial cheater.

 

Yes your feelings are normal. I went from hating my husband and wishing death on him, to placing him on a pedestal and feeling that this is all my fault and that he is the perfect man Today- I still feel a lot of guilt and remorse, but who knows what tomorrow will be like.

 

I'm not trying to be a pill pusher, but you should see someone to help get your anxiety under control. It will help you make better decisions. I've been taking meds for about 3 weeks now and it has made a world of difference, I'm still sad/upset, but I no longer think that it is the end of the world- I am able to function.

 

I hope there isn't an OM, that will only make things more complicated- don't give up hope!!!!!

 

 

Thanks for your kind words I have no reason for hope in fact I really don't care what she does or doesnt do at this point, Ive been hurt so much and doubt if I could ever let her or anyone back in.

[Jilly Bean]

I just can't find any evidence of a OM, if she's doing it it's super stealth. My feelings for her are now pure hate (that will likely change I know) I have apologized a million times for what I did, been a open book, we even went away on a second honeymoon after renewing our wedding vowels. I admitted all my short comings (selfish being the biggest). She admitted the changes even thanked me for them, I let her know she didn't have to thank me because this is what I wanted to do and I meant it.

 

She acted strange this time last year it was early summer, she told me she was a bit unhappy but we worked that out, it seems like every spring/early summer she flips for whatever reason. Her side of the family are basically a mess and does cause her stress, now I think she's blaming me for all her unhappyness??

 

I have absolutely nobody to talk to down here, I do talk to my mom everyday but thats by phone, she is 80 years old and really doesn't deserve to hear me dump on her. I have just basically given up and feel this is what I deserve for what I did 4 years ago. I make good money and she will get all she can, she told me as much. I'm searching for some peace but haven't found any yet, I guess this is Gods way of making me a better person. I still really cant eat, I've lost 14 pounds in 12 days and my stomach feels like a blender. I have so much hate in me right now and I know it's not a good thing but I also know this is a normal emotion to go through.

 

Thing is, quite often when there is infidelity, no amount of apologizing or changing can take away the sting of the betrayal. I suspect this is what happened to your wife. She gave it a shot, agreed to stay together, but I sense no matter what you did afterwards, the pain never abated, and just festered. This isn't uncommon.

 

But, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Understand you made a mistake, you tried to remedy it, and your wife wasn't open to total forgiveness. No one is really to blame. Things happen, and either you can move beyond them as a couple, or not. Though I do understand you being full of anger - totally fair.

 

I encourage you to seek a private therapist, or, mens (divorce) support group. You also mentioned God - so, are you religious? You might find some good support from your church or synagogue - either from a priest, rabbi, or a support group within the church.

 

And you need to force yourself to eat, hon. I know you have no appetite whatsoever, but you can't allow yourself to suffer physically, because of the emotional pain. Try to eat whatever will tempt you - even if it's a small amount, and even if it's not the healthiest option. Right now, you need the calories, nutritional concerns can come later.

 

Do you exercise at all? I also encourage you to stick with that, or, now would be a great time to join a gym.

[TroyNJ]

Well I finally caught a major break, I landed a very good job back in my home town. I actually cried with joy, this is a magor step in the right direction. I haven't told my wife yet but either way this is huge IM GOIN HOME!

[wrencn]

Well I finally caught a major break, I landed a very good job back in my home town. I actually cried with joy, this is a magor step in the right direction. I haven't told my wife yet but either way this is huge IM GOIN HOME!

 

I'm doing the happy dance for you Troy! Wow you make finding jobs look easy, maybe something is wrong with me lol

[What_Next]

Wow, congrats! That is great news.

[TroyNJ]

I'm doing the happy dance for you Troy! Wow you make finding jobs look easy, maybe something is wrong with me lol

 

 

Not easy at all trust me, I applied several months ago and even got a interview in April but didn't hear anything. HR told me today they had to wait due some accounting issue?? But alas I did it!

 

I work in Oil Refining, I have 20 years experience but the economy was so bad, I had trouble finding work near home. Well this is 2 minutes from my House UM that is if I still can get in my house? I have to play my cards exactly right, help me out people. Should I just stay NC or what? She will speak to me but I don't want to screw this up!

[wrencn]

Well before we can make a game plan, what do you want? Earlier you said you were done with her, has this job made you change your mind? I would stay NC for the time being.

[hurt and devastated]

That's good news indeed! I'm really glad to hear that, Troy. Just being with your family again is gonna help a lot.

[TroyNJ]

Well before we can make a game plan, what do you want? Earlier you said you were done with her, has this job made you change your mind? I would stay NC for the time being.

 

 

I'm not exactly sure but I don't want to rule out trying, it's been less than two weeks since she broke the news. I sense she is giving me a chance just by little comments but I could be reading them wrong. Bottom line is I want to cotinue as if I want to try. Should I just go completely NC or just text her once a day to let her know I care?

 

I didn't think there was any hope until I got the news today, I could not manage or even come up with a plan being 800 miles away, so yeah this changes things.

[hopesndreams]

Troy, you need to get your butt home. Is there any way you can get some time off from your job?